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Kristine
1 hour ago, Rabe said:

Im so sad for that Kristine...perhaps there is something good in having those emotions rise to the surface....to be soothed by the water you have found to soothe your soul.  I hope so.  Your strength continues to touch me in so many ways!!  Much love and hugs to you!  💜

Hey Dearest Rabe, Thank you for you beautifully kind words. I don’t feel very strong at all but thank you for saying so. I think you are right about emotions rising to the surface is a good thing. And the more we decrease these medications the more we will feel. The good and the bad. I’ve been trying to read your thread and you are dealing with so very much! I have such terrible cognitive issues that I was finding it difficult to decipher...that’s why I left such a simple message on you thread! Much Love and (((hugs))) K 💖 xox

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Carmie

Just wanted to say good night Kristine, and I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

Sending hugs🤗💚

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FarmGirlWorks
11 hours ago, Kristine said:

I actually said out loud “f*** you withdrawal I’m going to the beach!” So I got that vagus nerve stimulated.

Hahaha! I love that attitude and love that you were able to make it to the beach and befriend a bird.

 

There was a jogger here who was attacked at a beach bathhouse when she stopped in to go to the bathroom. She fought off the attacker and yelled, "Not Today, Mother F***er!" Which became the battle cry acronym "NTMF!" I sometimes say that to WD and the dark depression it engenders. The depression doesn't go away but I feel a little empowered.

 

Hugs!

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Kristine

Thank you for your messages Carmie, I don’t think I could get into a cold bath but I do have cold showers. Bathing in the ocean is so calming not just because of the cold water. Of course, it’s the salt water (many natural minerals including magnesium), wildlife, ocean sounds, fresh air, movement of the water current around my body and I get a sense I freedom and safety. 

 

I was so so sad to read about your experiences with ECT. It’s is barbaric and medieval. The last time I had ECT I was also suffering from akathisia and WD but didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. I also think it’s criminal you were put on 300mg of Seroquel when you already had an exsisting condition of CFS. Maybe you should consider a letter of complaint. 

12 hours ago, Carmie said:

What helped was fasterEFT. I still remember what happened but there is no longer an emotional connection to hospitals. Some people use the normal EFT but I like the FasterEft as it’s much easier n extremely effective. There are I think there are a few thousand videos on YouTube now. 

I have done this in the past. I think for me, at the moment at least, I need to focus on very basic self care techniques. Very basic breathing meditation, aromatherapy, loving kindness etc...then later on when I’m a little further through this WD journey I can start to tackle all the loss, grief and anger feelings. Right now (as I said on my benzo thread ) I just need to give these feelings space and move on to productive self care. I can revisit, for example, CBT and EFT in the future. I just can’t think properly at the moment. Even the thought of trying to focus on repetitive tapping is just too much. 

 

Much Love and (((hugs))) K xo

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Rosetta

I'm so happy to read that you can sleep!!  That is wonderful.  I'm glad that you can walk and get to the beach, too.  Improvements!  They will keep coming.  Love, Rosetta

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Kristine

Oh dearest FGW, LOL!!! 

1 hour ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Not Today, Mother F***er!" Which became the battle cry acronym "NTMF!"

this is going to become my morning mantra...I’ve already said it three times!

 

1 hour ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I sometimes say that to WD and the dark depression it engenders. The depression doesn't go away but I feel a little empowered.

....I’m so glad you feel a little empowered after saying it. I can relate so much to this dark depression...I’m so sorry it keeps sticking to you. Often I feel like it’s like a giant mass of Heavy hot tar which is poured all over my body and oozing through my veins and filling my brain. Making every task and movement mammoth and seemingly impossible effort. Grrrr. 

 

Much love and of course Hugs!!! K xo

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Kristine
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I'm so happy to read that you can sleep!!  That is wonderful.  I'm glad that you can walk and get to the beach, too.  Improvements!  They will keep coming.  Love, Rosetta

Oh dearest Rosetta, Sleep has been such a blissful escape and I am so grateful. I’m trying so hard to focus on the improvements rather than the ongoing withdrawal difficulties. This is such a tiring and seemingly relentless journey. Thinking of you often my dear friend. We will get there eventually. Much Love and (((hugs))) K xo

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Kristine

I wrote this about a year ago.....

On 12/10/2017 at 1:01 PM, Kristine said:

Strangley, I have completely lost my ability to be creative (particularly over the past 3 months), could this be the Fluoxitine? I used to draw, paint and cook as a creative and calming outlet.  It is like feeling dead inside but hypervigilent at the same time.  I'm in a constant state of fight or flight.  Over the years so much has changed.  I know I will get through this, but I have come to accept that this will take many years. And that's ok, cause it has to be.

Since staring my trips to the beach I was inspired by all the drift wood on the beach and have been collecting a few pieces every day. I intend to make a drift wood sculpture of a fish and hang it on the wall in the lounge room. Currently it’s just a pile of drift wood on my dining room table....but the important thing is I’m beginning to conceptualise the end product in my mind. I havent been able to do anything like this for so long...and a glimpse that My creativity is returning...even just a little bit is very encouraging. It feels like a tiny piece of the REAL ME is returning. Healing. K xo

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Gridley

Kristine,

 

That is fantastic and a great sign of healing.  I'm a writer but WD has pretty much killed the creative spark.  But your post is a great encouragement.

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, Kristine said:

My creativity is returning...even just a little bit is very encouraging. It feels like a tiny piece of the REAL ME is returning. Healing

Oh wow!  This is huge, Kristine....how wonderful to have a creative spark and to feel a bit of yourself returning.  I have always been attracted to pieces of driftwood so your concept for a sculpture sounds cool....and so appropriate given your proximity to the beach!  

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Marmot

The driftwood art idea is brilliant! So happy to hear that your creativity is returning 😀

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Kristine

Thank you so much @Gridley, @wantrelief And @Marmot for your kind and encouraging messages.

 

update: I hit a colossal wave a few days ago. All my “normal” symtoms went into overdrive and to be honest I just wanted to die. That’s all I could think about. To be more accurate I think I just wanted my suffering to stop. I rang lifeline three times. Today has improved significantly. Just resting in bed, distracting myself with iPhone games. 

Love to you all. This suxs. K xo 

 

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Marmot

That's so hard Kristine. The pain won't last forever, you'll get through this. Were the lifeline people helpful? Glad to hear today is a little better. What games are you playing? Xoxo 

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Rabe

Im sorry Kristine.  I so hope you feel better soon!  Hugs and love!💜

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Rosetta

Hugs, Kristine.  I'm so sad for you.  I'm glad it has passed.  Love, R

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Kristine
1 hour ago, Marmot said:

That's so hard Kristine. The pain won't last forever, you'll get through this. Were the lifeline people helpful? Glad to hear today is a little better. What games are you playing? Xoxo 

Thank you Marmot, The lifeline people were helpful. Just to have someone listen who was non judgmental. It was strangely comforting speaking to strangers. I felt calmer afterwards....more focused. At the moment I’m playing ‘farm heroes’ on my iPhone....riveting 🙄 much Love and hugs K xo

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Kristine
1 hour ago, Rabe said:

 

Im sorry Kristine.  I so hope you feel better soon!  Hugs and love!💜

 

Thank you Rabe, I’m much better today...it was just a very bad wave. Much Love and hugs K xo

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Kristine
51 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Hugs, Kristine.  I'm so sad for you.  I'm glad it has passed.  Love, R

Thank you Rosetta...I’m so glad it has passed as well...at the time it didn’t feel that way. Much Love and hugs K xo

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wantrelief

Oh Kristine, I am so sorry you went through such an awful wave.  I am very relieved to hear it passed and you are feeling much better today.  Lots of love - WR. 💖

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Kristine
36 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Oh Kristine, I am so sorry you went through such an awful wave.  I am very relieved to hear it passed and you are feeling much better today.  Lots of love - WR. 💖

Thank you my friend, feel like being put into a medically induced coma until it’s all over! Much Love and hugs K xo

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FarmGirlWorks
53 minutes ago, Kristine said:

feel like being put into a medically induced coma until it’s all over!

Seconded! It does suck. Glad you said NTMF and are pushing on. Much heart and respect.

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Kristine
16 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Seconded! It does suck. Glad you said NTMF and are pushing on. Much heart and respect.

Thank you FGW, I’ve been saying our battle cry ‘NTMF’ rather frequently! Hugs and much love K xox

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Carmie

Hi Kristine, 

 

Just checking in to see how you’re doing. I’ve been in a massive wave myself, definitely not fun. 

 

Your idea of being put into an induced coma until withdrawals are over sounds like sounds like a plan!😁 

 

I hope you’re coping okay. I’ve founds new crafts to keep me distracted, even though I’m stuck in bed a lot. I’m in bed again today, but I’ve had a shower so I feel nice n fresh. I hope you are able to find some good distractions. I see you like iPhone games. The only games I’ve played are Words With Friends and Word Streak. I tend to like word games. I haven’t played them for ages though, I’ve found other things to distract me.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks

Hi Kristine... thinking of you. Hang in there... even if it sucks beyond belief.

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wantrelief

I've been thinking about you too, Kristine.  💖

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DMV64
On 11/26/2018 at 10:37 PM, Carmie said:

Your idea of being put into an induced coma until withdrawals are over sounds like sounds like a plan!😁 

 

OMG! I wish for this ALL THE TIME!

Kristine, I hope you are feeling some relief today. xoxo

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Rosetta

Hoping you are feeling better!  - R

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Kristine

Thank you every one for your lovely comments...

 

The following update could be distressing for some people, so I would recommend not reading it if you are feeling particually fragile...(I actually wrote this on a PM to a friend) I have copied and pasted it and added a few more points. 

 

I’m in a very bad place. It is beyond a wave. The insomnia has returned but my main problem is, constant fatigue, constant electrical currents running through my brain and body, head pressure and migraines, burning skin, intense neuroemotions and horrible SI that I can’t seem to shift. I feel ashamed for what I’m about to write.....Last week I overdosed on alprazolam. An old box I had in the back of my cupboard. I just wanted the pain to stop. It was impulsive. At the time I had become completely irrational, disassociated and lost. Wasn’t thinking about the consequences. I am so very angry with myself.  My husband found me unresponsive and called the ambulance. I don’t remember much,  just ended up in ED and they sent me home the next day. At least they didn’t send me to the psyc ward. So I feel like a complete failure, a horrible wife and mother and a failure through this process of removing all this toxic junk.  I haven’t even been able to care for my MIL. In hindsight I don’t think I should have started tapering the clonazapam when I did...or done the crossover to diazepam. But then again I wasn’t well back then either. I had overwhelming SI and the other symptoms before the crossover. I was getting worse back then as well.  My husband has hidden and either discarded (to the pharmacist) all medication. He is now personally giving me my daily dose of medication. 

 

Apologies for the crap update. 

 

Gentle hugs to all of you. K xo 

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks

No apologies, no embarrassment @Kristine. Just so glad your husband found you in time. You are such an inspiration here. It is REAL the completely surreal stuff you are going through. I just wish there was more I could do for you. I am glad your "voice" is still with us 💙

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Kristine
8 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

No apologies, no embarrassment @Kristine. Just so glad your husband found you in time. You are such an inspiration here. It is REAL the completely surreal stuff you are going through. I just wish there was more I could do for you. I am glad your "voice" is still with us 💙

Thank you dear FGW, your words mean so much to me. Much Love K xo 

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wantrelief

My dear friend - I am beyond grateful you are still here with us.  The drug companies are the ones who should be ashamed, not you.  I am so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through.  I think you are amazing and am just so relieved you are here with us.  Much love - WR.

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Benzhelp

Hi Kristine, 

 

I deeply sympathise for all the suffering you've been through. You are so courageous. I am happy you are finding things that help symptoms. Best of luck with your Tapering Journey. Wishing you Healing and speedy Recovery <3 Take good care of yourself <3 Love and Blessings <3 Safe gentle hugs (((((Kristine))))) <3

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Marmot

Kristine,

 

I'm so glad you're home now and okay. This withdrawal is some crazy s***, nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks for posting about it. 

 

Xoxo,

Marmot

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Altostrata

I'm so sorry, Kristine. You've been very brave and come through a lot. All we can do is encourage you to hang in there, it's all iatrogenic, you're going to get through this.

 

Benzo use, as you know, is a two-edged sword. One side effect of benzos is depression, another is spells of breakthrough anxiety. Please focus on getting to the right benzo dosage and timing, keep strong for a benzo taper. You'll come out on the other side, but it's going to be hard work.

 

Go easy on yourself, adding self-blame to this doesn't help one bit.

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Kristine
15 hours ago, wantrelief said:

My dear friend - I am beyond grateful you are still here with us.  The drug companies are the ones who should be ashamed, not you.  I am so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through.  I think you are amazing and am just so relieved you are here with us.  Much love - WR.

Thank you for your beautiful and supportive words my dear friend, thinking of you. Much Love and hugs. K xo 

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