Kristine: not alone

[ChessieCat]

 

[Kristine]

23 minutes ago, Carmie said:

I hope the situational stressors have subsided a bit. I’m just curious too if you ever decided to use your weighted blanket again, or  is it still making you feel claustrophobic.

Hi Carmie, No the situational stressors are still ongoing but I’ve just had to make some changes to be able to cope in a more constructive manner. Also, no I haven’t used the weighted blanket again. I also have burning skin 24/7 so I feel a heavy blanket would exacerbated this symptom. K xo

[Kristine]

Thank you so much @ChessieCat! K xo

[Carmie]

15 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hi Carmie, No the situational stressors are still ongoing but I’ve just had to make some changes to be able to cope in a more constructive manner. Also, no I haven’t used the weighted blanket again. I also have burning skin 24/7 so I feel a heavy blanket would exacerbated this symptom. K xo

 

I’m sorry to hear this Kristine, 

 

I’ve got situational stressors as well. It certainly can ramp up the withdrawals. Yes, I can imagine the blanket would be too much on your burning skin. I just ordered one, but I don’t have burning skin like you. I’m sooo very sorry you have this symptom. Have you ever tried going on a low histamine diet to see if that makes any difference? 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rabe]

Thank you Kristine for what you shared...it makes sense to me as far as friends and family, sad as it is.  Please take care!!💜

[Kristine]

21 hours ago, Carmie said:

Yes, I can imagine the blanket would be too much on your burning skin. I just ordered one, but I don’t have burning skin like you.

Dear Carmie, Thank you for your message. I read about your stressful time on your thread, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hopefully your weighted blanket will arrive soon and provide you with some comfort. K xo

[Rosetta]

💜

[Rabe]

Hugs and love to you Kristine!!💜

[Kristine]

Thank you Rosetta and Rabe 💖

Update: I’m going to attempt an update. Situational stressors continues and it mainly revolves around my MIL who has now been living with us for over 7months. I have been trying to care for her the best that I can but part of the problem is she is incapable of understanding what I am going through. It comes across as apathy and I feel very hurt. It has resulted in me isolating myself even further in my own home. All these stressors are amplified by the absence of my husband atm due to a prolonged work trip. It’s much more complicated but that’s the general gist. 

 

It has become obvious with the increased stress my symptoms are amplified. I’ve noticed that tremors in my hands have returned when I am very stressed. I’m trying to stay calm but there have been some events which have almost pushed me over the edge. For example, Tasmanian bush fires (all turned out ok in my area but was scary with thick smoke and flying ash), trip to the ER via ambulance at 4am for my MIL and I didn’t sleep for 48 hours. And on and on it goes. I have reached out to extended family and told them I need help because I’m not coping. 

 

Anyway, I am now falling asleep ok but I tend to always wake at 5:30am and generally get 6-7 hours sleep. Then I will have another nap during the day. This is wonderful considering there have been extended periods of time over the past 3+ years where I was suffering from ongoing insomnia and an inability to nap at all. The following is a list of ongoing daily symptoms: Nausea has thankfully stayed away  

• Brain fog/sludge
• dull ache behind my eyes
• very dark black mood
• DP and DR
• feel like I don’t know who I am anymore
• nightmares
• clawing anxiety...mainly located in chest.
• negative thoughts
• Impaired cognitive function (eg. difficult formulating sentences whilst talking)
• memory loss
• debilitating fatigue
• muscular pain
• headaches (migraines about 2-3 times per week - always right sided) 
• weakness 
• bouts of vertigo (much better than it used to be)
• short spells of tinnitus
• Sensitivities to stimuli...most problematic is noise and bright light. 
• crying spells
• sweating hands and feet (nighttime drenched sweating has resolved)
• joint pain 
• burning skin (particularly on arms)
• flu like pain
• electrical currents running through brain and body. 

much love and hugs to you all. K xo

[Rachellynn]

Sending you so much love! Sometimes i wish we could all just cuddle and be waited on and massaged all day😂❤️ 

[wantrelief]

My dear friend - I am so sorry you are having to contend with such stress and that it has ramped up your symptoms. It must be hard enough to care for your MIL but doubly hard if she is not outwardly caring towards you. I so hope the stress levels you are experiencing decrease as you hopefully get more help from extended family. I was happy to read that you are now getting sleep and that the nausea has abated. Oh my friend, you are so very courageous and brave. I am thinking about you, as always, and sending you lots of love and hugs - WR.

[Kristine]

Thank you so much @Rachellynn and @wantrelief for your kind and encouraging messages. I’m trying to slowly work through these challenges the best that I can. I’ve been listening to Tara Brach Podcasts everynight at bedtime. I have found these helpful especially a few about fear. However, last night I was listening to one about depression and she used the term “chemical imbalance”.....helpful? Not so much 😕

Much Love. K xo

[Rachellynn]

I swear...if Dr’s tested nutritional deficiencies before putting us all on these drugs. How’s your sleep? Did you have insomnia ever? I am struggling with sleep like CRAZY. I pray it comes soon, don’t trust myself with desperation. Sending love❤️

[Kristine]

Hi @Rachellynn, I’m sorry you are suffering from insomnia. Unfortunately, it is a very common withdrawal symtom and yes I have struggled terribly with insomnia.  I found it is best to try not to fight it. Acceptance is key. Tossing and turning in bed is pointless.  I used to get up and make a pot of peppermint tea and try and enjoy the peace and quiet that comes when most of the world is asleep. I also have an essential oil diffuser and use lavender oil at night time. Also (even though it is tempting) try to stay off any electronic devices. Listen to podcasts or read a book. If you type “insomnia” into the search bar you will find many other experiencing this debilitating symptoms. Even though it may not feel like it now...it will get better. Much Love. K xo

[Rosetta]

(((Kristine))) Thinking of you.  This is such a challenge, but you are so wise.  Thank you for all your concern and care for others. - Rosetta

[Kristine]

Thank you dear ((((Rosetta)))) you are so kind xo 💖

 

Also just for the record another symptom which I forgot to mention....when I recommenced the clonazapam taper back in June 2018, I came out in a red rash all over my arms with little pin prick red marks. It got worse when I did the crossover to Valium. It is only just starting to improve. It was so bad that people would comment “that’s a bad sunburn you have”...it defiantly wasn’t sunburn but did seem to be a physical manifestation of my burning acid dipped skin feeling. Weird.

[FarmGirlWorks]

I am going back thru my thread pulling out quotes for a project and came across this lovely bit you posted for me. I thought I'd shoot it back as I love it so much. NTMF!

 

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.” 
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

[Kristine]

19 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I am going back thru my thread pulling out quotes for a project and came across this lovely bit you posted for me. I thought I'd shoot it back as I love it so much. NTMF!

Dearest FGWs, Thank you for shooting the Jenny Lawson quote back to me! I definitely feel stuck in the foxhole at the moment so thank you so much for the reminder that one day my scars will heal and I will remember what the sun looks like. Thinking of you and sending you gentle hugs. K xo

[Rabe]

Please take care Kristine.  You are such a gentle kind soul with so much to give.  Think about you daily!💜

[Rabe]

And I so hope you can change the home situation.  You cannot take care of others when barely able to care for yourself!!  That is unbelievable!!!  I am hoping your husband or someone will step in and take over so that you can get back to getting well!!!!!  Makes me so angry that you are even in that position!  Take care!!!

[Carmie]

Hi Kristine, 

 

How are you doing?💚

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you my dear friend.  I hope your husband is home, and you are doing ok. - R

[Kristine]

Thank you Rabe, Carmie and Rosetta for all your thoughts and lovely messages.

update:

I’m doing the best I can under extremely difficult circumstances. My husband isn’t home yet but hopefully some of this stress will dissipate when he returns. I’m just trying to hold on. Most of my pleas for help from extended family has fallen on deaf ears. What’s so ironic is I’m not asking for help for myself...it’s for their 91 year old mother. As a result I have been experiencing a wide range of horrible emotions. These range from anger, rage, self pity, resentment, panic, sadness and an internal deep painful ache which resonates from my experiences of not being validated. It has been difficult for me to opened up and asked for help from those in the real world. This has left me feeling even more vulnerable and exposed. Then I have feelings of guilt and shame for thinking and feeling such horrible thoughts about others and also for not being able to function (I know this is irrational).  Due to my current lack of resilience, many wd symptoms and deplorable cognitive function I’m finding it difficult to navigate my way through these challenges. I feel I need to talk to a therapist but my fatigue and many other symptoms would make this impossible at the moment. I’m limited to listening to various podcasts such as Tara Brach. 

 

Much love to you all. K xo

[wantrelief]

6 minutes ago, Kristine said:

I’m doing the best I can under extremely difficult circumstances.

Exactly, you really are doing the very best you can.  

 

8 minutes ago, Kristine said:

These range from anger, rage, self pity, resentment, panic, sadness and an internal deep painful ache which resonates from my experiences of not being validated. It has been difficult for me to opened up and asked for help from those in the real world. This has left me feeling even more vulnerable and exposed.

I am so sorry you have a history of not being validated and that you took the courageous step to reach out for help only to be ignored. I think it is completely understandable that you would be feeling the way you are.  I am just so sorry you are caught in this extremely frustrating and stressful situation. 

 

11 minutes ago, Kristine said:

I’m finding it difficult to navigate my way through these challenges.

I think you should give yourself so much credit for just getting through the day with all you are contending with, your own difficult withdrawal plus caring for your mother-in-law as best you can.  

 

Just keep holding on, Kristine...this is going to get better when your husband gets home (which will hopefully be soon!).  You are one amazing woman!

 

Much love,

WR. 💖

 

[Kristine]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart @wantrelief for your wise and comforting message. It has really helped. You are such a kind and inspiring person 💖 Much Love.K xo

[FarmGirlWorks]

2 hours ago, Kristine said:

These range from anger, rage, self pity, resentment, panic, sadness and an internal deep painful ache which resonates from my experiences of not being validated.

For saying your cognitive function is limited, this is a dead-on description of not being validated: an internal, deep painful ache. I know exactly what you mean. Of course, very different situation, but understand the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, not being supported or believed and the sharp pain that induces. You are amazing and strong, @Kristine. NTMF!

[Kristine]

On 2/24/2019 at 12:13 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

For saying your cognitive function is limited, this is a dead-on description of not being validated: an internal, deep painful ache. I know exactly what you mean. Of course, very different situation, but understand the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, not being supported or believed and the sharp pain that induces. You are amazing and strong, @Kristine. NTMF!

Thank you dear FGW, I’m so sorry you can also identify with my description of not being validated. The lack of support or belief is such a sharp pain as you say. What I find even more painful is the silence that comes from others when I try and share my story and the magnitude of this problem around the world. I can see the disbelief, suspicion and judgment in some people’s eyes and body language. These palpable silences are so emotionally painful . I find this terribly demoralising...I’d prefer they speak their truth to my face. You are so amazing and strong FGW 💖 NTMF! Much Love K xo

[FarmGirlWorks]

11 hours ago, Kristine said:

I can see the disbelief, suspicion and judgment in some people’s eyes and body language. These palpable silences are so emotionally painful . I find this terribly demoralising...I’d prefer they speak their truth to my face.

Me too, @Kristine! Face-to-face with a real discussion.  There is such fear and anger that one may disagree with sacrosanct doctors and big pharma and it is demoralizing; I feel like I am being judged as "crazy" for not "taking the meds." So demoralizing, indeed. I think an important strategy while we are healing is to keep getting support from others in the same boat.

 

Aside: I am going to get a tattoo to document this experience (phoenix rising) and have been going back and forth about having any text too. Not sure but if I did, it'd just be "NTMF". Keep on, keepin' on!!!

[Kristine]

Oh FGW, This is how I feel as well. I’m just so very tired of it all but so grateful to have the support and understanding from people like you  

On 2/26/2019 at 6:47 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Aside: I am going to get a tattoo to document this experience (phoenix rising) and have been going back and forth about having any text too. Not sure but if I did, it'd just be "NTMF". Keep on, keepin' on!!!

Ooohhh how exciting! I like the idea of a Phoenix rising  how appropriate, rising from the ashes to be born again? 

 

Much love and (((hugs))). K xo

[Kristine]

Hello dear fighters, 

Update:

For the past 5 days I’ve been hit again with with dreaded trio of nausea, vomiting/dry retching and vertigo. It also coincides with a hypersensitivity to smells and when I force myself to make meals for the family (I don’t have a choice) it is a struggle just to stay upright. I know situational stressors have been ramping up my symtoms and my ongoing bone aching fatigue is worse than it’s ever been. I’ve been holding since the 30th of December, I’ve made no changes. Insomnia is returning. I’m practicing good sleep hygiene but can only fall asleep if I listen to calming podcasts or meditation. I’ll usually fall asleep around midnight but will wake around 3-4am. When I do sleep, it is not a deep sleep. I always feel like I’m on the cusp of consciousness. All the other daily symtoms continue (as written in a recent post). I haven’t lost hope but I’m feeling lost, fragile and terribly sad. I feel I’ve lost my identity and the DP anhedonia make this worse. However, perhaps the latter is a protective mechanism for my survival. I don’t know. 

 

Much Love and hugs to you all. K xo

[Rosetta]

(((Kristine))). I'm sorry I have no words for you, only a big, virtual hug.  All my love, R

[wantrelief]

My dear friend - I am so sorry you are experiencing such horrible symptoms.  Oh how I wish I could make this stop for you.  

 

10 minutes ago, Kristine said:

I haven’t lost hope but I’m feeling lost, fragile and terribly sad

This is a true testament to your strength, Kristine, that you can feel these feelings but still have hope.  

 

I am really hoping that once your husband is home and stress is decreased, your symptoms will not be as intense.  

 

Hold on my brave friend, you are amazing.

 

Much love,

WR 💖

[Carmie]

I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much Kristine, 

 

Sending lots of hugs🤗🤗🤗🤗

[Kristine]

 

Thank you @Rosetta, @wantrelief And @Carmie for your messages of kindness and support. Thank you for the virtual hug Rosetta - I needed it. A big virtual hug straight back to you from me 💖

1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

This is a true testament to your strength, Kristine, that you can feel these feelings but still have hope.  

 

I am really hoping that once your husband is home and stress is decreased, your symptoms will not be as intense.  

 

Hold on my brave friend, you are amazing.

Thank you so much WR, you are so giving and kind as always. I feel so mentally and physically depleted at the moment, so I am grateful for you recognising positive qualities in me that I just can’t currently see. My husband is due back in a few days and I’m confident that his return will ease some stress.

 

I read the following quote the other day by Desmond Tutu: Seems appropriate for many reasons. 

 

“There comes a point that we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and figure out why they’re Falling in”

 

 

[Rosetta]

And who is pushing them in . . . Oh, wait, we know that.

You are truly amazing, Kristine.  That you can cook!  I have had the hypersensitivity/phantom smell issue, too.  Please never forget how strong and capable you are.

[Kristine]

4 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

And who is pushing them in . . . Oh, wait, we know that.

Yep, we know 

 

9 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

You are truly amazing, Kristine.  That you can cook!  I have had the hypersensitivity/phantom smell issue, too.  Please never forget how strong and capable you are.

Thank you So much Rosetta,  💖 Last night I made a curry with bottled sauce (in my previous life I’d make curry from scratch) Chopped up chicken threw in a whole bag of frozen green beans, stir, lid on, rice in rice cooker! All the while I’m clutching onto the kitchen bench for dear life and feeling like I’m going to puke and the floor is tilting and the room is spinning due to vertigo. I’ve been doing my groceries shopping online and having it delivered. Feel like I’m living in some weird surreal unpleasant space. Think of you every day Rosetta. Much Love K xo