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wantrelief

Kristine!  So so good to hear from you.  I am really sorry to hear how awful (I know that word doesn't do it justice) things are.  

 

1 hour ago, Kristine said:

One day I’ll feel a little better. One day....

This is true, my lovely friend....one day.

 

Hang in there, Kristine....better days are ahead.

 

Much much love to you. 

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neroli

Hello Kristine

 

Thank you for your message.  I was thinking of you yesterday and the day before, thought it was about time I sent some good wishes but then didn't know if it annoyed the heck out of you to keep getting them.

 

Anyway, it's good to hear from you.

It's such a mess (understatement), all this withdrawal/medical. injury stuff and you have been going through the worst of times.  You are still hanging in, though, and you will recover and heal.

Your signature says it all,

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

 

and you are doing it, just keeping on and facing the ravages with indomitable inner strength.

 

much love to you

 

Neroli 💜

 

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)

@Kristine...so damn glad to hear from you. I was worried.

WD is such a mean, nasty thing and you have been sucker punched so hard by it.

And you are swimming through it and I know that one day you'll take a deep sigh and not even be able to remember the hell endured.

 

sending good vibes and hugs,

FGW

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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Kristine
On 6/25/2020 at 12:33 AM, wantrelief said:

Hang in there, Kristine....better days are ahead.

Thank you dear WR, hope is all I have at the moment, insomnia and akathisia have broken me this time round. Love to you, we will get there in the end. Much love, K xo

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Kristine
On 6/25/2020 at 6:07 AM, neroli said:

Thank you for your message.  I was thinking of you yesterday and the day before, thought it was about time I sent some good wishes but then didn't know if it annoyed the heck out of you to keep getting them.

Thank you dear Neroli, you are so kind and I appreciate your messages so much. I’m not annoyed at all!!! Only disappointed and frustrated with myself for not being able to respond sooner. Thank you for reminding me of the quote from my signature...I needed to read this again. I’ve been thinking of you as well. Love K xo

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Kristine
On 6/25/2020 at 1:56 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

WD is such a mean, nasty thing and you have been sucker punched so hard by it.

Thank you for your messages FGW, I’m just so over it. Everyday is just so putrid. So soul destroying. I feel utterly traumatised. Broken. I have nothing left. Love to you, K xo

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Kristine

 
 

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wantrelief
39 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Thank you dear WR, hope is all I have at the moment, insomnia and akathisia have broken me this time round. Love to you, we will get there in the end. Much love, K xo

I am so so sorry things are really hard (once again an understatement) right now, Kristine - you must be utterly exhausted.  You still have hope though which is huge!  We will indeed get there in the end.  I have missed you and want you to know you are in my heart and thoughts.  Much much love, WR. 💖

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Altostrata

Kristine, what drugs are you taking now?

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neroli
5 hours ago, Kristine said:

Only disappointed and frustrated with myself for not being able to respond sooner.

 

No. please don't be - I know how impossible it is to do anything at times.

 

You're one hell of a woman, Kristine.  

 

The song you posted is so poignant and relevant - tears streaming down my face.  Thank you for that.

 

Love is coming you way across the ditch.

 

Neroli 💜

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neroli

Thank you, Kristine, for introducing me to Sara Bareilles - phenomenal voice and talent.

 

Neroli 💜

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Kristine
On 6/25/2020 at 12:33 AM, wantrelief said:

Hang in there, Kristine....better days are ahead.

 

Much much love to you. 

Thank you my dear friend, and much love to you as well. I think of you often. I’ve been feeling very disconnected, like I’ve shut down. And as a result haven’t been able to communicate much. 💜 K xo

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Kristine
On 6/28/2020 at 4:53 PM, neroli said:

No. please don't be - I know how impossible it is to do anything at times.

 

You're one hell of a woman, Kristine.  

 

The song you posted is so poignant and relevant - tears streaming down my face.  Thank you for that.

 

Love is coming you way across the ditch.

Thank you dear Neroli, this song could have been written about WD and the institution of psychiatry (I believe it was written about refugees). It makes me Cry as well. Love to you dear one. K xo

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Kristine
On 6/28/2020 at 1:43 PM, Altostrata said:

Kristine, what drugs are you taking now?

Hi Alto, I’m taking 7.5mg of fluoxetine. The last drug. I commenced tapering the fluoxetine after a 6 month break of all tapering. The previous taper was the diazepam last year which rendered me bed bound. The PAWS has taken its toll and out of frustration I halved the fluoxetine from 20mg to 10mg then slow tapered from there (see sig). The past two months has been particularly horrific. The chronic insomnia has disabled me. I did go to my GP and she gave me zolpidem 10mg (I only took 7 tablets over 8 weeks) spread out. She also prescribed melatonin ‘Circadin’ 2mg. Took for one month. Not effective, but I think it made me worse. Last tablet about 2 weeks ago. The past two days have been a little better. 2-4 hours sleep instead of 0-1 hour sleep. I am holding the 7.5 mg dose as of the 27th May. K xo.

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, Kristine said:

I’ve been feeling very disconnected, like I’ve shut down. And as a result haven’t been able to communicate much.

Oh I am really sorry you are feeling this way and that this is such a difficult time in general.  I understand your not communicating much.  I just want you to know that you are always in my thoughts. I am so heartened to hear that your sleep has been a little better recently.  You are so very brave, my lovely friend. 💖WR

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DataGuy

Hi @Kristine,

 

Sorry you are suffering so much. What symptoms did you have that made you think you were suffering from serotonin toxicity? Can you let us know what your sleep and symptoms were like around the time when you cut the fluoxetine in half and how the symptoms have progressed since then with each cut? 

 

I think you are doing the right thing by holding right now. It can take a long time to recover from a benzo taper, which is why they are often left until the end. It can easily take 1 or more years for some people. It is possible to react badly to melatonin if your nervous system is sensitized from withdrawal. 

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Altostrata

Good to hear you're hanging in, Kristine. You're only on one drug now, a real achievement. You can give yourself a break from tapering, let your sleep come back, there's no rush.

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Kristine
On 7/5/2020 at 12:27 PM, wantrelief said:

Oh I am really sorry you are feeling this way and that this is such a difficult time in general.  I understand your not communicating much.  I just want you to know that you are always in my thoughts. I am so heartened to hear that your sleep has been a little better recently.  You are so very brave, my lovely friend. 💖WR

Thank you dearest WR, it is so challenging. Sick of living in survival mode year after year 😕 yesterday I went to my GP for a new script etc...explained to her my WD symptoms and how I’ll be switching to a micro taper. Met with a puzzled look. No empathy. Then she said “it is unfortunate”, I said “No, it is not unfortunate. It was avoidable. It was unnecessary and therefore it is unethical “ ...think I need a new GP. Sigh 😔. Much love to you, K xo

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Altostrata

Kristine, if this last drug is not causing adverse effects, strongly recommend you take a break from tapering for a bit.

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Kristine

Hi @DataGuy

On 7/5/2020 at 11:02 PM, DataGuy said:

What symptoms did you have that made you think you were suffering from serotonin toxicity?

This is a post from Feb 2018...

“I know that many of the symptoms of w/d overlap with serotonin toxicy.  Not to mention various other conditions.  However, my coordination/muscle spasms/muscle rigidity/gait/hypereflexia have progressively been worsening and are now much longer in duration..I don't think I explained it well on my thread.  I'll try my best.....

  • best time is when I first wake in the morning.  As the day progresses my movements get worse
  • muscles will seize up...for example. My neck muscles seize/spasm and then my head will jolt backwards. My hands will shake and lock in a 90 degree angle to my wrist. It is all painful.
  • My shoulders jolt up and down.  Same with my arms. Jerking motions. Horrible.
  • I walk with jolting movements.  If I get a fright/shock...eg loud noise....every muscle in my body goes in to spasm.  I have to use all my mental energy to will my muscles to walk to bed.  Then it's the usual tremors, shaking and muscle convulsions.  My head will violent jolt backwards...over and over again.  This usually leads to muscle rigidity. It is like my whole body is frozen....the pain in my muscles is extreme. 
  • I am often in pools of sweat. Sweat literally drips off my hands and feet.
  • coordinating and dexterity is also bad....if I am drinking from a glass the tremor is so bad I will often spill the drink”

More importantly, when I halved the fluoxetine and rapid tapered the dexamphetamine,  the jolting, locking muscle symptoms disappeared. 
 

On 7/5/2020 at 11:02 PM, DataGuy said:

Can you let us know what your sleep and symptoms were like around the time when you cut the fluoxetine in half and how the symptoms have progressed since then with each cut? 

I didn’t keep a journal this time round. I’ll do my best. After the initial cut, I had a few days of feeling better, almost a euphoric feeling. I’ve heard that can happen. Then insomnia set in and got worse and worse (insomnia has been an ongoing issue). If I did sleep at all I’d be tormented by horrific nightmares. Bad akathisia set in about a month later but I wasn’t pacing this time. Screaming on the inside, agitated, irritable, hostile, feeling of rage, skin crawling, sandpaper eroding my insides, nerves and skin on fire, suicidal. I just wanted to die. Pure terror. The head pressure and pain got worse. It has eased a little now but I’m left with what I can only describe as a bruised, raw, inflamed brain. Thankfully the nausea or vertigo has not returned at this stage. 
 

 

On 7/5/2020 at 11:02 PM, DataGuy said:

I think you are doing the right thing by holding right now. It can take a long time to recover from a benzo taper, which is why they are often left until the end. It can easily take 1 or more years for some people. It is possible to react badly to melatonin if your nervous system is sensitized from withdrawal. 

Thank you, The benzo taper last year was brutal. I know I’m kindled And suffering PAWS from the multitude of drugs I’ve come off. K 🌸🙏

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Kristine
6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Kristine, if this last drug is not causing adverse effects, strongly recommend you take a break from tapering for a bit.

Thank you dear Alto, yes, I’m taking a break from tapering. I pushed myself too hard. Much love K xo

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Rosetta

Kristine,

 

So glad to see you are able to post.  I think of you often.   Yes.  It was unethical to put it very mildly.
 

I’m doing ok.  It’s not over, but I’m ok.
 

All my love and best wishes,

 

Rosetta

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DataGuy
Posted (edited)
On 7/8/2020 at 6:51 PM, Kristine said:

Hi @DataGuy

This is a post from Feb 2018...

“I know that many of the symptoms of w/d overlap with serotonin toxicy.  Not to mention various other conditions.  However, my coordination/muscle spasms/muscle rigidity/gait/hypereflexia have progressively been worsening and are now much longer in duration..I don't think I explained it well on my thread.  I'll try my best.....

  • best time is when I first wake in the morning.  As the day progresses my movements get worse
  • muscles will seize up...for example. My neck muscles seize/spasm and then my head will jolt backwards. My hands will shake and lock in a 90 degree angle to my wrist. It is all painful.
  • My shoulders jolt up and down.  Same with my arms. Jerking motions. Horrible.
  • I walk with jolting movements.  If I get a fright/shock...eg loud noise....every muscle in my body goes in to spasm.  I have to use all my mental energy to will my muscles to walk to bed.  Then it's the usual tremors, shaking and muscle convulsions.  My head will violent jolt backwards...over and over again.  This usually leads to muscle rigidity. It is like my whole body is frozen....the pain in my muscles is extreme. 
  • I am often in pools of sweat. Sweat literally drips off my hands and feet.
  • coordinating and dexterity is also bad....if I am drinking from a glass the tremor is so bad I will often spill the drink”

More importantly, when I halved the fluoxetine and rapid tapered the dexamphetamine,  the jolting, locking muscle symptoms disappeared. 
 

I didn’t keep a journal this time round. I’ll do my best. After the initial cut, I had a few days of feeling better, almost a euphoric feeling. I’ve heard that can happen. Then insomnia set in and got worse and worse (insomnia has been an ongoing issue). If I did sleep at all I’d be tormented by horrific nightmares. Bad akathisia set in about a month later but I wasn’t pacing this time. Screaming on the inside, agitated, irritable, hostile, feeling of rage, skin crawling, sandpaper eroding my insides, nerves and skin on fire, suicidal. I just wanted to die. Pure terror. The head pressure and pain got worse. It has eased a little now but I’m left with what I can only describe as a bruised, raw, inflamed brain. Thankfully the nausea or vertigo has not returned at this stage. 
 

 

Thank you, The benzo taper last year was brutal. I know I’m kindled And suffering PAWS from the multitude of drugs I’ve come off. K 🌸🙏

 

 

Hi Kristine, 

 

Sorry you've gone through such hell. Sometimes when people come off a benzo, they tend to have an increased rate of adverse reactions to other drugs, since the brake on their nervous system is gone. It may be that the jettisoning of the benzo resulted in the adverse reaction to fluoxetine and the serotonin syndrome-like symptoms. When I tapered, I got rid of the benzo first because I had somehow come to the conclusion that it was the biggest problem. I hadn't planned on getting rid of the other drugs right away, but I soon began having an adverse reaction to one, which I had to rapid taper, then the other (which I stupidly cold-turkeyed). Which left me in my current PAWS mess, although I've improved significantly. I didn't know much of anything.

 

I'm glad you are taking a break from tapering, you deserve it after getting down to one drug. I would just keep an eye on the Fluoxetine. I wouldn't expect any adverse reaction to it or anything, but it is a possibility. Any odd oscillations in your condition will hopefully just be transient, normal PAWS developments, and not anything inherently wrong with the current dose of Prozac. If something does happen, hopefully we can avoid the massive drop you had after the first adverse reaction. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and do the best you can with the coping techniques, and then we can start to think about getting you over the finish line after you have become much more stable. Congrats on escaping your polypharmacy : )

Edited by DataGuy

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FarmGirlWorks
Posted (edited)
On 7/8/2020 at 3:12 PM, Kristine said:

yesterday I went to my GP for a new script etc...explained to her my WD symptoms and how I’ll be switching to a micro taper. Met with a puzzled look. No empathy. Then she said “it is unfortunate”, I said “No, it is not unfortunate. It was avoidable. It was unnecessary and therefore it is unethical “ ...think I need a new GP. Sigh 😔

You are amazing, @Kristine. To be that succinct, honest, and straight-up  “ballsy” to a doctor is an inspiration and testament to your inner power and life force. I really do hope to meet you after all this crap is done. I like your spirit so much. 
 

I was traveling to visit bio-father until yesterday so just saw this now. Air travel in the time of Covid is no joke, stressful and tense; one guy was wearing a dry cleaner bag and had wrapped his hands in plastic. I am fatigued but — knock on wood — okay WD-wise. Tend to go down after a trip but so far, so good.

 

The song is beautiful and I teared up: thanks for introducing her. Yeah, a safe place to land definitely applies to WD. I know you’ll make it even though it is horridly terrible now. I see you, someday in the future, swimming in the ocean, cool water sliding by, and you smiling because the hell you endured is so far away in the past.

 

NTMF

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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