success ☼ EthanC: Was on Lexapro for 10 years, been off it for 7 months

[EthanC]

Hi Everyone,

 

I want to start off saying by what an incredibly tough journey we're all going through... and I'm sorry for all of us here...

These drugs were advertised to help our mental health; when in fact it damages our brain, especially when used for long periods.

 

I don't even know what to see, other than the fact I feel pretty hopeless after reading so many articles about brain damage that these drugs did to us (mainly SSRIs).

 

I tried stopped this medication in my mid-20s but eventually relapsed due to the terrible withdrawal symptoms. This time around in May 2017, after reading and acknowledging what these drugs do to us, seeing my drive and passions slowly fade away since I started, I decided it was time to stop poisoning myself.

Currently, I feel these effects every day:
1) cognitive problems involving memory , learning, and focus

2) apathy, and lack of anyenjoyment for life

3) deterioration of emotional wellness, and unable to handle stress

 

I am currently 30 years old, but feel my brain has rotted immensely. I truly was a talented individual growing up, was always quick witted, fast, and excelled highly in my activities and passions. Now I feel like I have cognitive function of a mentally disabled person.

I feel so hurt, and angry and hopeless about what has happened... that I allowed myself to take this poison for ~10 years, listening to doctors that didn't really have an IDEA about the damage that these drugs could pose in the long-run.

We are the guinea pigs that have to suffer, and there does not seem to be an end in sight.

 

This makes me wonder if I have to start my medication again eventually to not feel like walking death every day I wake up.

I'm trying to fight this... but there is just more and more recent data about what these drugs do to us long-term and I believe it has caused me brain atrophy...

 

Please, I would love to hear some feedback and Idk, can we start fighting these Big Pharmas or are we just a big experiment for them to profit from?

 

Regards,

Ethan

 

(PS: If there is any other info you guys which me to provide, I can do so gladly.)

[Gridley]

Hello, EthanC, and welome to SA.

 

There are conflicting arguments about the permanence of damage from ADs.  I choose believe that the damage is not permanent and that the brain can heal. I understand your despair.  These links may be helpful:

 

Brain Remodelling

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Your brain has not rotted.  It just needs to heal.  You will get better.  It will take some time.  AD withdrawal is the school of patience and discipline.  

Could you please create a drug signature?  This will enable the moderators to give informed advice.  Please follow this format:

Summarize your history in a signature - ALL drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months.  Please be sure to put the start date, dosage and end date for each drug.

• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 

• Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.
• Link to Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

[Madeleine]

You are still a talented individual. Time heals. 

 

Best wishes, 

 

m

[Kristine]

Welcome EthanC,  you have found a soft space to land.  I only joined a few days ago, so am still finding my feet. K

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Ethan.

 

Many people feel emotional anesthesia and a feeling of not being "all there" when they go off antidepressants. This very gradually fades, be patient and take care of your health as much as you can. Your brain is in your body, after all, getting as healthy as possible (without overdoing it!) will help your nervous system heal itself.

 

Are you getting regular sleep and eating fresh foods? Do you get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, every day?

 

Many people do better with fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

A lot of people find them helpful. Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

 

[Happy2Heal]

Hi Ethan and welcome!
thank you for your post on my thread, I responded over there ; I will copy and paste it here so you don't have to go looking for it  :-)

 

what is not in my signature but what you may find helpful to know, is that I have been on various psych meds since I was just 18 yrs old. I will be 62 in Feb!!

I was on lexapro at very high doses, and up and down in the dose, with several cold turkey or rapid tapers off the drug. In other words, my drug history is really bad. If anyone was going to be permanently damaged, it would be me. and I am NOT.

I repeat, I am NOT permanently damaged. Healing is not only possible it is the expected outcome. It is what your body and brain wants and works towards.
The uncomfortable and scary symptoms are the signs that your brain is working to put itself back to where it was before you took the drug, it feels awful but it actually is good news. It means your brain IS HEALING. It's not pleasant but it's good to remember that it's what is supposed to happen. 

You will recover. You DO NOT need to restart the poison/'medication',  you just need to give your brain time to heal. You can help it along by taking very good care of yourself

In fact, that should be your primary focus, taking care of yourself and nurturing yourself as you heal. You are young, you will most definitely heal!!  When it happens, you will wonder why you were so worried!

 

remember that feelings are NOT facts. Feeling like you are damaged does NOT mean that you are, it's just you feeling/thinking in a depressed or pessimistic way. It's not reality. It's a feeling telling you something that is not true. 

Your feelings are temporary, as you've noticed yourself: mornings are tough, nights are good. Each day, you will see that your mornings get easier and easier, and your nights even better than before.

There may be some set backs, some "waves" of feeling a bit worse sometimes, but overall, the trend will be to feel better and better.
LOOK CAREFULLY for the signs of getting better. They are there, you just need to look for them. Write them down on and post them on your fridge, all the ways that you are better each day, to remind yourself, when you feel badly, that healing is definitely HAPPENING!

 

here is what I wrote to you and to Alto in reply:
"

Hi Ethan, I am sorry you are still struggling. I do believe wholeheartedly that we DO heal. Our entire body is set up to be a self-healing "machine". It's always working towards health and healing. We need to work with it, not against it, I think. 
Feeling good at night and bad in the morning is just an exaggeration of our body's normal rhythm of increasing hormones that help wake us up and get ready for the day, and then help us get sleepy at night. 

Just remember that as hard as the mornings can be, they DO get better, and each day brings you back to a calm place as the day wears on. Keep that in your mind when you wake up feeling bad, remember "It's ONLY TEMPORARY" and the bad feelings fade and you wonder what you were so worried about.

 

Thanks Alto, I didn't really think the sleeplessness was dire, I just wondered if it was a continuation of withdrawal/recovery symptoms. I don't want to mislead anyone by saying that my symptoms are totally gone if they are not. IF these are symptoms, they are certainly mild and short lived.

 

I had some other stressors with a rescued foster cat and other relationship things going on, and that all snowballed, I think. I have re-committed to taking care of myself FIRST (something that does not come easily for me, I am always putting other's needs before my own)

but since taking better care of myself, I'm now sleeping well (even had a dream!) and feeling less wary of the future.

Trying to remember to live in the present and accept things as they come, and not try so hard to control things that are, and have always been, beyond my control.

 

I think I have a bit of a PTSD like reaction to making decisions: the  decisions I made, the impulses I gave in to, in the way I handled going off the lexapro, had dire consequences- it threw me into acute ADWD recovery and there was no turning back,  I could not undo what had been done. 

It's probably the first time in my life that a decision I made turned out so horribly. So now, I am much more careful and a LOT more anxious about making decisions, even ones that I once didn't give much thought to (but probably should have)

 

It's a process.

I am in much better shape than I'd ever hoped or imagined I could be, and I am exceedingly grateful for that.

I wish I knew what the secret was to my recovery, I am sure there are people who will want to know, what did I do, but as so many others who have gone thru this and come out the other side have said- it really seems like time, and ACCEPTANCE, are they key to recovery. And a positive outlook. If you think that things are going to go badly, if you believe that you can't recover, then, well.... you may not even notice all the signs that you ARE indeed recovering. You need to look for the GOOD, I don't think I could stress that enough. We are designed by nature to pay more attention to threats, it helped us survive way back in the beginning of time, but now, it's counter productive. We need to make a conscious deliberate effort to find good things, every day. 

There's a couple of books on this topic, I can't recall the names of them now but I've recommended them before and still do. They will give you a lot of hope. 

 

the tools and skills that you learn to help you thru withdrawal are great for dealing with the feelings and issues that may have led you to be on the drugs in the first place.

If you come thru this expecting that your life will suddenly be wonderful with no pain or stress or anxiety or grief or any of the other  stuff that's a normal part of living, you're going to be very disappointed. I think that's why so many go back on the meds. They forget that they can handle these things, or they get tired and give up and want the quick fix.

I admit to having times when I wish I could go back and choose what seemed like the "easy way" again. Then I remember, that I took these drugs for temporary emotional states that I didn't know how to deal with at the time, and had long term terrible side effects to try to treat a TEMPORARY and often relatively minor, problem.

I had more faith in the drugs than in myself.

 

Now I see how strong I am, and probably always was, and I know I can handle anything that comes my way.
Doesn't mean I want to, mind you, I'd like things to be all warm and fuzzy and wonderful all the time, just like anyone else, but I know I can face whatever life brings my way.

 

and that's a good feeling. I just need to be reminded sometimes, to re connect with that.

I did that yesterday, I saw a beloved relative, and I soaked in the feelings of connectedness, relished the bond we share and the love we have for each other and let it renew my spirit.

 

sometimes, for me at least, it's just about letting it in.

if you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you can have a problem letting love in and getting strength and courage from that.

 

I've learned a lot in the last year or so. 

 

anyway, sorry for going on like this!

I hope that everyone can try to find the good in even the hardest day, that *does* seem to make a difference.

I know it turned around some bad days for me."

 

Edited February 17, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EthanC]

Wow.. the feedback and care from you guys are truly heart-warming... thanks for being such a supportive group of people.

[Jony]

What a feedback we have here! I started right now this long journey...

 

These words are very encouraging.

[Blondiee1915]

Hi EthanC, 

 

I am another lexapro user. We have some similar history -  I was on lexapro at max dose on and off for almost 10 years .  I am also in my early 30s and can't believe what has happened to me and blame the meds for that .

 

I essentially quit it CT summer of 2016 and after 3 months off had to reinstate bc I started getting this intense fear,  agoraphobia, detached feelings and could not go to work. 

 

I know exactly the apathy and this depressed feeling you refer to and I do think it is due to lexapro.  My main issue prior to lexapro was panic attacks I was never a depressed person.  With lexapro I believe it eventually stopped working and I started feeling like this heavy apathy and indifference no energy to do anything and after CT this feeling of hopelessness,  feeling bad for myself,  emotional numbness it was aweful .  It did get better with time for me.  Just wanted to let you know that.  Try to remember that this will pass and will get better.  

 

I did switch to another ssri bc I felt that terrible apathy and lethargy on lexapro after reinstating and I just could not take it .  I am taking still that other ssri and tapering off that slowly .  In any case time truly does help and of course doing some self work as well (eating clean,  light exercise, hobbies anything to keep your mind off this WD thing ) .  

 

B 

 

[EthanC]

 

In late 2008, I was prescribed Cipralex for depression/anxiety issues.

Earlier that year, I was on Propecia (hairloss medication) and started developing pretty bad brain fog issues (was only 21 years old), that's when I resorted asking my doctor for antidepressants (because I thought they would magically fix things).

 

It's been since May 2017 since I stopped taking Cipralex completely, after taking it for 9+ years.

Oct 2017 is when I started to feel and see my brain slowly deteriorate at an abnormally fast rate (I'm currently 30 years old).

It is now Feb 2018 and I feel as though my withdrawal symptoms have been over since early January 2018, but I've just been feeling progressively worse.

My cognitive function has been severely hindered, I've been neglecting all friends and family, and I am currently living a life of a disabled person and don't see a resort other than going back on this medication + possibly something else.

It's a vicious cycle, I'm getting more depressed because of isolation, but I'm isolating myself being I'm "depressed".

 

I haven't seem a lot of people recovering from anti-depressants successfully, especially after using Cipralex/Lexapro/Escitalopram long-term... 

And I'm starting to believe there is no way recovering from this. Seriously considering starting at a low dose and possibly adding Wellbutrin to give me the energy to change what's going on in my life...

 

I really really don't want to take these medications, because I honestly believe Cipralex was one of the drugs that caused me to be this mentally handicapped, but I honestly don't see myself getting out of this hole without any meds...

Therapy has been only doing so much for me...

 

I'm scared guys; I don't think I'll ever do this, but suicide really does seem to be the only answer to all this.

I don't want to live a life thinking about what could of been if I never took these drugs.

[Gridley]

Google survivingantidepressants.org lexapro success stories

-- including Aeroman Haven't Logged in for awhile - I have recovered from ...

[Blondiee1915]

Hi Ethan, 

 

I am sorry you are struggling but it will get better.  Are you off completely all medication since may 2017? Did you do a long taper or CT? We have a similar history - I started lexapro in 2008 as well and after 9 years of use I am off it (but did start another antidepressant bc WD was too much).  I am also in my early 30s and I do understand the isolation and lack of participation. 

 

What are you biggesg symptoms right now? How are you eating ? Do you exercise ? I know this is very difficult feeling like crap every day upon waking up but little by little all these items do add up and help.  Are you taking any vitamins? Is there a family member or a friend (even one) that you can open up to and seek some support ? 

 

I do believe in power of healing and I do think that the first year is the hardest.  Plus it is winter and I know personally it is the hardest season for me.  WD seemed better with sunshine and warm whether.  Hang in there it will be okay.  

 

As as far as reinstating I completely understand and to be honest I am not sure if I would reinstate or not if I were you.  From reading people's stories is that the more time passes the less likely it is that reinstatement will work.  But again it could work and provide some relief if you feel like you need help.   Ultimately this is your decision and you have to weigh the benefits and the costs.  The moderators can advice on reinstatement strategy.   

 

I am here to say that you are not alone and that it will be okay.  People heal from comas and physical brain injuries this also had to get better.  

 

b 

[EthanC]

Wondering if there are dangers in taking Bupropion.

 

I know it affects more the norepinephrine/dopamine receptors but are there long-term damage along with this drug?

 

Been having brain fog and mood fluctuations now that I've been off Cipralex for ~10 months and wondering if I should take this drug that my GP prescribed me.

 

Any words of advice would be appreciated.

 

Best,

 

Ethan

[ChessieCat]

SA is a site for going off drugs, not for recommendations about what drug to try next.

 

Q:  Did you CT Cipralex?

 

Q:  If not, what was your tapering method?

 

If you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms from going off Cipralex too quickly then it may be that a very small amount of that drug would be a better option to try.  There are no guarantees that it would work.  You might find that a very tiny dose of 0.25mg may be all that your brain needs.

 

Please read Post #1 of this topic carefully:  About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Keep Notes on Paper

[jonnypeters1234567]

How are you now Ethan?

 

My story is very similar to yours. Are you getting some relief? 

[Altostrata]

Very happy to report Ethan has posted his Success Story here

 

Now, as is our custom, I will lock this thread, as Ethan has entered a new chapter. Please congratulate Ethan in his Success Story thread.