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Thelongestroadhome

☼ Thelongestroadhome: long road back with Lexapro

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Kristine
1 hour ago, Longestroadhome said:

Thank you K for always being so supportive and sweet. I don’t really get any comments on my thread from other members so it is always nice to see you here. 

Oh LRH,  that is very kind of you to say.  You are as well. Thankyou for your comments and support on my thread, it is so reassuring.  Other member will come...I was looking when you joined...Boxing Day...it is very possible many members missed your original introduction and haven't got to know you yet...it will happen...you are one of those giving, selfless, beautiful people! Others will catch on soon....promise 😉 Just keep posting...it is so important as you said.

1 hour ago, Longestroadhome said:

I am travelling ok at at the moment. The anxiety has lessened but been replaced by a depressive state. I seem to struggle through most days with low energy and a general feeling of apathy. Happiness seems to be alluding me. Usually I am someone who always looks to the future with positivity but can’t seem to do that right now. There are a lot of real life situations which are difficult and probably contributing to how I am feeling. 

I'm so sorry...I know exactly that feeling.  I call it a balancing of the scales. The body is slowly healthy and continually striving for homeostasis.  I struggle with low energy as well. Actually no energy/fatigue is more accurate! All I can do it live in the moment. I try to get outside everyday...that means the back yard! There is a lovely garden at this house and I am so greatful...I just close my eyes and listen to the breeze through the leaves, the buzzing bees and inhale as deeply as I can.  Looking at a simple flower is also therapeutic...the closer I look the more I realise just how beautifully complex a simple flower can be.  This is coming from someone who used to be a workaholic.  This is how I dealt with life.  In the past I never stopped and took the time to smell the roses!!! Now I can't work but I do have time...🙂  The real life stuff is so difficult when in w/d...be kind to yourself..you are a doing a remarkable job! K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Thelongestroadhome
8 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

hi LRH, 

I am sorry I haven't come back to your thread til now

 

you are doing a fantastic job, assembling a toolkit to help you thru the symptoms and giving yourself positive self talk

 

also congratulations on your sobriety.

 

you are going to get thru this. It can be very lonely at times. I am glad you are continuing to write, it does help others who read it, I'm sure.

yes many who are going thru this don't have the energy to respond, it's the sad truth of how hard withdrawal/recovery can be.

 

I am one of those ppl who could not take fish oil, it made me extremely anxious. I do eat ground flax seed and during the past year, I've eaten fish but am now trying to go back to being vegan. I sadly found that I felt better when I added fish and eggs to my diet and at a few very bad spots, when I was losing so much weight, so fast, I needed to eat meat to slow down my digestion. I can't explain it any other way. Meat seems to sit in my intestines and muck everything up- it always has. I had terrible issues with constipation when I ate meat in the past. I am an ethical vegan and it was hard to eat meat, but I was so sick and had to do something to get thru it.

 

sorry this is kind of scattered... I will try to come back to your thread more often and keep you company ok?

 

Thank you for popping in to see me Happy2 Heal. I really do appreciate you taking the time. I tried the paleo diet for a while, based on a book that I read that indicated it was the best diet for depression. I stuck to it for six months but in all honesty found no benefit. I also suffered terribly with constipation during that time and because of that my doctor insisted on doing test to rule out bowel cancer. Oh my, it was a horrible period of life for me!! I am not one of those Bible Bashing Vegetarians who insist that everyone should eat the same as me. I very much respect everyone's choice in life. I call myself Vegetarian because I still eat honey from time to time but I do not eat dairy, eggs or meat. 

 

It is interesting that fish oil made you anxious. I have never tried it so can not comment on my own experience. I do eat a LOT of flax and if nothing else it keeps me regular!


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome
7 hours ago, Kristine said:

Oh LRH,  that is very kind of you to say.  You are as well. Thankyou for your comments and support on my thread, it is so reassuring.  Other member will come...I was looking when you joined...Boxing Day...it is very possible many members missed your original introduction and haven't got to know you yet...it will happen...you are one of those giving, selfless, beautiful people! Others will catch on soon....promise 😉 Just keep posting...it is so important as you said.

I'm so sorry...I know exactly that feeling.  I call it a balancing of the scales. The body is slowly healthy and continually striving for homeostasis.  I struggle with low energy as well. Actually no energy/fatigue is more accurate! All I can do it live in the moment. I try to get outside everyday...that means the back yard! There is a lovely garden at this house and I am so greatful...I just close my eyes and listen to the breeze through the leaves, the buzzing bees and inhale as deeply as I can.  Looking at a simple flower is also therapeutic...the closer I look the more I realise just how beautifully complex a simple flower can be.  This is coming from someone who used to be a workaholic.  This is how I dealt with life.  In the past I never stopped and took the time to smell the roses!!! Now I can't work but I do have time...🙂  The real life stuff is so difficult when in w/d...be kind to yourself..you are a doing a remarkable job! K xo

Thank You Dear K for keeping in contact with me here. I do understand that most people here are doing things a lot harder than myself. I would rather have nobody write on my thread than be suffering like some of the other members. I think doing it slow and steady has been my saving grace. So many people are in a hurry to get off the meds but for me it has been about quality of life. Thankfully that has been quite good for me and I credit that to a slow withdrawal. It has only been in the lower realms of withdrawal that things have become more difficult. Yes, I did join on Boxing day. Oh what a dreadful day that was and I was desperate for a human being to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be alright! But my thread was not approved for a few days and I think perhaps a few people were away for Christmas. Not to worry! They do say it is better to give than to receive and I do find writing on other people's threads very therapeutic. If one small word can give someone a little bit of hope then I am happy to do that. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Littlegrandma

Hi LRH

ive read your thread several times, but having a hard time finding my words right now to respond and say anything intelligent or comforting to you. 

 

I am also tapering lexapro. I’m down to 4.6 mg. from 10. Been doing this for 8 mo. Went too fast in the beginning but even a 4% taper gives me terrible side effects.  Your symptoms posted on Jan 27 are everyday norm for me. 

 

I just wanted to say to say hi and let you know I’m thinking of you. 

I still like your attitude. In spite of everything, you seem upbeat and positive. I’m finding this the hardest thing right now. The whole process consumes me. The only time I can distract from it is when I watch my grandkids or take on other responsibilities, so I try to keep busy and make commitments I can’t back out of. 

 

I hope today finds you peaceful  Lg


Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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Thelongestroadhome
On ‎2‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 9:30 PM, Littlegrandma said:

Hi LRH

ive read your thread several times, but having a hard time finding my words right now to respond and say anything intelligent or comforting to you. 

 

I am also tapering lexapro. I’m down to 4.6 mg. from 10. Been doing this for 8 mo. Went too fast in the beginning but even a 4% taper gives me terrible side effects.  Your symptoms posted on Jan 27 are everyday norm for me. 

 

I just wanted to say to say hi and let you know I’m thinking of you. 

I still like your attitude. In spite of everything, you seem upbeat and positive. I’m finding this the hardest thing right now. The whole process consumes me. The only time I can distract from it is when I watch my grandkids or take on other responsibilities, so I try to keep busy and make commitments I can’t back out of. 

 

I hope today finds you peaceful  Lg

Hello Littlegrandma, Thank You for taking the time to visit my thread, it means a lot to me. I completely understand you when you say that the process is consuming. I also try to keep busy as it is when I am inactive that my withdrawal symptoms seem worse. I am not always positive, I tend to only write on 'better' days for fear of sparking fear or anxiety in others who may read my negativity! Thankfully the past two days have been good and I am feeling a bit more positive about this journey again. I will pop over to your thread soon.


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

I had a terrible week last week with a whole new demon to conquer............depression.  Depression has not been something that I have had to deal with too much. Initially I was diagnosed with Depression after the birth of my child but then anxiety came along and has been a regular (unwelcome) visitor. So when I woke up last week in a deep depressive state I was taken quite unaware. Then on Thursday I realised that my bottle of liquid Lexapro was empty. It was so empty that it dawned on me that I had probably not been taking the full 2mg amount for a couple of days. When I went to the pharmacy to get another script I read on the bottle that the medicine should be discarded after 60 days once opened. Doing my mental arithmetic I realised that a bottle last me about 90 days. So basically I have 30 days where the medicine is deemed out of date. Interesting. I wonder if that has anything to do with my mood dip. Friday morning I woke and it was as though a weight had been lifted from me. It was the difference between night and day. All weekend I have continued to be in a positive and happy mood. Sometimes I think I analyse too much but in this case I think there is definitely a connection between my mood dip and the out of date medication. 

 

Every time I pick up a new script the pharmacist always walks over to speak to me. They always question the 'low' dose that I am taking. When I explain that I am withdrawing they seem very interested and most encouraging. Perhaps they get tired of seeing so many people on the constant hamster wheel of mediation. Perhaps those trying to get off medication are a rare breed!!


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Kristine
1 hour ago, Longestroadhome said:

I had a terrible week last week with a whole new demon to conquer............depression.  Depression has not been something that I have had to deal with too much. Initially I was diagnosed with Depression after the birth of my child but then anxiety came along and has been a regular (unwelcome) visitor. So when I woke up last week in a deep depressive state I was taken quite unaware. Then on Thursday I realised that my bottle of liquid Lexapro was empty. It was so empty that it dawned on me that I had probably not been taking the full 2mg amount for a couple of days. When I went to the pharmacy to get another script I read on the bottle that the medicine should be discarded after 60 days once opened. Doing my mental arithmetic I realised that a bottle last me about 90 days. So basically I have 30 days where the medicine is deemed out of date. Interesting. I wonder if that has anything to do with my mood dip. Friday morning I woke and it was as though a weight had been lifted from me. It was the difference between night and day. All weekend I have continued to be in a positive and happy mood. Sometimes I think I analyse too much but in this case I think there is definitely a connection between my mood dip and the out of date medication. 

 

Every time I pick up a new script the pharmacist always walks over to speak to me. They always question the 'low' dose that I am taking. When I explain that I am withdrawing they seem very interested and most encouraging. Perhaps they get tired of seeing so many people on the constant hamster wheel of mediation. Perhaps those trying to get off medication are a rare breed!!

Hey LRH,  I'm please to hear you have bounced back from your mood dip (but not that it happened)...interesting observations regarding the expiration of liquid Lexapro...I've never used a liquid (not yet anyway!).  I think the pharmacists are more keyed into this problem than any other medical profession.  It made me feel very encouraged to read of your experiences with the pharmacists.  They might just be a group of experts who could help with the reform of this diabolical situation.  Love K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Thelongestroadhome
12 hours ago, Kristine said:

Hey LRH,  I'm please to hear you have bounced back from your mood dip (but not that it happened)...interesting observations regarding the expiration of liquid Lexapro...I've never used a liquid (not yet anyway!).  I think the pharmacists are more keyed into this problem than any other medical profession.  It made me feel very encouraged to read of your experiences with the pharmacists.  They might just be a group of experts who could help with the reform of this diabolical situation.  Love K xo

Yes, I have always found the pharmacist very helpful. Even though their business is dispensing drugs they seem to be excited by my decision to quit!


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

All hell has blown up within my family. Two of my daughters are angry with me and apparently one has long term unresolved issues that she needs to bring up. I have been wracking my brain all day trying to think what the heck I have done. Of course my brain is working overtime and replaying things from years ago that may have caused upset. One daughter got her husband to answer my call and he told me that they don’t want to talk about it and are moving on with their life. I am too scared to even talk to the other daughter for fear of what she might say. I am far from perfect but love my kids to death and have honestly no idea of my supposed wrongdoings. My anxiety is through the roof and I feel nauseous and weak. 

 

Being a a parent is the most rewarding but difficult job on the planet. I am beating myself up. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Kristine
On 05/02/2018 at 10:21 AM, Longestroadhome said:

Yes, I have always found the pharmacist very helpful. Even though their business is dispensing drugs they seem to be excited by my decision to quit!

Hey LRH,  I think they see how much the prescriptions for these drugs have increased over the years.  Also how the drugs are prescribed Inappropriately.  For example, Seroquel for insomnia! Love K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Kristine

....oh lord LRH, I pressed "submit" and then read your last message....just give me a mo...it will be okay xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Kristine
33 minutes ago, Longestroadhome said:

All hell has blown up within my family. Two of my daughters are angry with me and apparently one has long term unresolved issues that she needs to bring up. I have been wracking my brain all day trying to think what the heck I have done. Of course my brain is working overtime and replaying things from years ago that may have caused upset. One daughter got her husband to answer my call and he told me that they don’t want to talk about it and are moving on with their life. I am too scared to even talk to the other daughter for fear of what she might say. I am far from perfect but love my kids to death and have honestly no idea of my supposed wrongdoings. My anxiety is through the roof and I feel nauseous and weak. 

 

Being a a parent is the most rewarding but difficult job on the planet. I am beating myself up. 

Oh dear LRH,  I am so so sorry.  I'm not surprised your anxious...and nauseous and weak :( your daughter has put you in a very difficult position.  You shouldn't have to guess what she is upset about.  Maybe it is time for you to open your toolbox and use everything and anything!  Let the dust settle for a bit...calm yourself...breathe...perhaps write down your thoughts, so they stop racing around your head....sending you the biggest of hugs my friend. K xo

PS. Your right,  parenting is the most difficult job on the planet! Xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Thelongestroadhome
On 07/02/2018 at 4:40 PM, Kristine said:

Oh dear LRH,  I am so so sorry.  I'm not surprised your anxious...and nauseous and weak :( your daughter has put you in a very difficult position.  You shouldn't have to guess what she is upset about.  Maybe it is time for you to open your toolbox and use everything and anything!  Let the dust settle for a bit...calm yourself...breathe...perhaps write down your thoughts, so they stop racing around your head....sending you the biggest of hugs my friend. K xo

PS. Your right,  parenting is the most difficult job on the planet! Xo

Thanks K for being there for me. I honestly don’t know why I even bother writing, my thread is devoid of visitors! Not feeling sorry for myself just stating the obvious 🤪 

 

My daughter apparently has been seeing a psychologist for anxiety which I only just found out. Apparently he has forced her to go back to childhood in order to analyse her anxiety and the root cause. That’s where I come in apparently. Appears it’s my fault. I yelled too much, or so my other daughter told me that’s what was said. I could bash myself up over it but at the end of the day I did the best I could at the time. No physical or mental abuse. Bloody psychology. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Littlegrandma

Hi LRH

thinking if you! Sorry about the family drama. Bloody psychology is right. We all have to stop beating ourselves up for what was said or done in the past. Can’t change it. Talk about it. Deal with it and move on. 

In the past I’ve made an amends list. The 12 step way of apologizing for things I have said and done to people that I ruminate about. Far from completed. I will return to it when the fog clears.

My husband just tells me to get thicker skinned. What’s done is done. Can’t change the past. 

 

I have ave an alcoholic nephew who blames everything on his childhood and his parents. His mother walked out on him when he was 2 and his brother was just a few months old. My brother raised them as a single parent. He did the best he could. There was no abuse. My nephew still craves a stable family life. He’s 34. Still wants his mommy. But his brother raised side by side with him is thriving. 

 

sorry this has caused your symptoms to ramp up. Don’t beat yourself up. Your daughter should be talking to you and not a stranger. Together you could talk about it and resolve the issues. I don’t trust psychologists. I think they put  exaggerated thoughts in your head. Bloody psychology!!

 

Sorry if this is rambling and unclear. I’m shaking right now. I guess you touched a sore spot with me. In wd my life has been flashing before my eyes. The coulda, woulda and shouldas weighing heavy on me right now. 

 

Hugs Lg


Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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Kristine
10 hours ago, Longestroadhome said:

My daughter apparently has been seeing a psychologist for anxiety which I only just found out. Apparently he has forced her to go back to childhood in order to analyse her anxiety and the root cause. That’s where I come in apparently. Appears it’s my fault. I yelled too much, or so my other daughter told me that’s what was said. I could bash myself up over it but at the end of the day I did the best I could at the time. No physical or mental abuse. Bloody psychology. 

My heart aches for you LRH 😞 No parent is perfect.  I have yelled at my child/teenager...burn me at the stake.  I think LG summed it up well....

 

8 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

We all have to stop beating ourselves up for what was said or done in the past. Can’t change it. Talk about it. Deal with it and move on. 

Wise lady 🙂

 

Sending you strength.  Love K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Thelongestroadhome
9 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

Hi LRH

thinking if you! Sorry about the family drama. Bloody psychology is right. We all have to stop beating ourselves up for what was said or done in the past. Can’t change it. Talk about it. Deal with it and move on. 

In the past I’ve made an amends list. The 12 step way of apologizing for things I have said and done to people that I ruminate about. Far from completed. I will return to it when the fog clears.

My husband just tells me to get thicker skinned. What’s done is done. Can’t change the past. 

 

I have ave an alcoholic nephew who blames everything on his childhood and his parents. His mother walked out on him when he was 2 and his brother was just a few months old. My brother raised them as a single parent. He did the best he could. There was no abuse. My nephew still craves a stable family life. He’s 34. Still wants his mommy. But his brother raised side by side with him is thriving. 

 

sorry this has caused your symptoms to ramp up. Don’t beat yourself up. Your daughter should be talking to you and not a stranger. Together you could talk about it and resolve the issues. I don’t trust psychologists. I think they put  exaggerated thoughts in your head. Bloody psychology!!

 

Sorry if this is rambling and unclear. I’m shaking right now. I guess you touched a sore spot with me. In wd my life has been flashing before my eyes. The coulda, woulda and shouldas weighing heavy on me right now. 

 

Hugs Lg

Thank you LG for your kind words. It was a horrible couple of days and I did a lot of self loathing. But yesterday I decided to snap out of it. I did the best I could, it wasn’t perfect but it was my best at the time. I do think the psychologist has stirred up a lot of things that were unnecessary. My own experience with psychology was similar, hence why I dropped out early on. 

 

I like your your stand on the 12 steps. As a recovering alcoholic ( I started drinking ten years ago to help with anxiety..... it didn’t help!) I relate very well to that. I have read a lot on the 12 steps and it has been very beneficial. Such wisdom!

 

My husband says I need to grow thicker skin too. I am super sensitive, even more so in withdrawal. 

 

I hope you you are doing ok today 😘😘


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome
1 hour ago, Kristine said:

My heart aches for you LRH 😞 No parent is perfect.  I have yelled at my child/teenager...burn me at the stake.  I think LG summed it up well....

 

Wise lady 🙂

 

Sending you strength.  Love K xo

Thank you K. I am moving forward today. Can’t change the past but I can live better and wiser by learning from it. Hope you are doing ok 😘


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Littlegrandma

So glad you snapped out of it. After all, who’s perfect? It’s us sensitive ones who scrutinize ourselves and second guess. I’m sure you were a good mama. Otherwise you wouldnt even let this bother you. Your daughter will come around. Hopefully you can sit face to face, just the 2 of you. 

 

Congratulations on your sobriety. I’ve been self medicating my whole life. Though I never drank a drop raising my kids. I’m not a one and done drinker. I didn’t want to be a hungover mom and miss anything from their childhood. I took Zoloft a lot of that time though. Didn’t even know it was an antidepressant when I first started taking it. Dr told me to take it for insomnia. Worked like a charm. 

 

Wish I could say the same for lexapro. Yuck. Having a rough day. New symptoms popping up all the time. Keep telling my husband I can’t do this anymore. But I’m still here and fighting. Looking forward to better days. 

 

Have a good night. Hugs

 

 

 

 


Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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Thelongestroadhome
4 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

So glad you snapped out of it. After all, who’s perfect? It’s us sensitive ones who scrutinize ourselves and second guess. I’m sure you were a good mama. Otherwise you wouldnt even let this bother you. Your daughter will come around. Hopefully you can sit face to face, just the 2 of you. 

 

Congratulations on your sobriety. I’ve been self medicating my whole life. Though I never drank a drop raising my kids. I’m not a one and done drinker. I didn’t want to be a hungover mom and miss anything from their childhood. I took Zoloft a lot of that time though. Didn’t even know it was an antidepressant when I first started taking it. Dr told me to take it for insomnia. Worked like a charm. 

 

Wish I could say the same for lexapro. Yuck. Having a rough day. New symptoms popping up all the time. Keep telling my husband I can’t do this anymore. But I’m still here and fighting. Looking forward to better days. 

 

Have a good night. Hugs

 

 

 

 

I was what some refer to as 'a high functioning alcoholic' it is a polite way of saying that I only started drinking once the kids went to sleep and by the time they woke up in the morning I was up and functioning as normal as anyone can with a hangover. I believe it made the anxiety worse. It affected my ability to sleep and lack of sleep is a terrible thing. 

 

I am sorry that you are having a rough day. We do seem to have the ability to keep fighting, even when we think we can't fight a minute longer. In mindfulness they say to concentrate on the NOW which is fine except if NOW happens to be blinking awful. I prefer to daydream about a future that hopefully looks brighter. So I think I fail at mindfulness. 

 

I wonder what would happen if everyone could suddenly hear the thoughts aloud of people around them. Today I walked around the supermarket and it went something like this............."Fuc.....ing  get lost...........I hate this............Piss off............." I was of course talking to the anxiety flooding my brain. All the while smiling politely at other shoppers walking past. Probably not a good idea if people could hear my thoughts because someone would call the men in white coats and take me in to the psych ward. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Kristine

Now I'm flying past on my broom!

On 09/02/2018 at 10:19 AM, Longestroadhome said:

Thank you K. I am moving forward today. Can’t change the past but I can live better and wiser by learning from it. Hope you are doing ok 😘

Good for you! You are a wise woman.  Your daughter will come around.  It will be ok. Love K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Rosetta
On January 23, 2018 at 5:53 AM, Longestroadhome said:

Thank God for windows. Friday was dreadful, by far the worst day I have had in a long time. Literally thought I was going to break down with the debilitating anxiety. Saturday morning I woke and the heavy weight had lifted. I felt happy with an inner sense of peace. How can you go from feeling so bad to feeling normal in the space of 24hrs? 


https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Rosetta

Hi LRH,  Thank you for posting on my thread.  That was very kind.  I see you have had the rapid change in mood that I am experiencing these days.  Just when you think the worst is over . . .  I hope you are doing well today.

 

**The program wouldn't let me type anything in the box under the quote above and wouldn't let me delete the quote!  This happens every so often.  It's probably my old iPad's fault. 


https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Thelongestroadhome
On ‎11‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 6:55 AM, Rosetta said:

Hi LRH,  Thank you for posting on my thread.  That was very kind.  I see you have had the rapid change in mood that I am experiencing these days.  Just when you think the worst is over . . .  I hope you are doing well today.

 

**The program wouldn't let me type anything in the box under the quote above and wouldn't let me delete the quote!  This happens every so often.  It's probably my old iPad's fault. 

Thank you for visiting me! Yes, I am all over the place with my mood. Never know what to expect from one day to the next...........


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

I have been doing a lot of reflection recently. Trying to remember a time in my life when I felt 'normal'. I have to go back a long way to find that person. For at least eight years prior to my diagnosis of post natal depression I was suffering with anxiety and depression. I pinpointed the time it began  to the death of my father in law from Cancer back in 2000. I didn't grieve him at the time because I was concerned about being the strong one for my husband and children. I buried the grief deep down inside.  I should have sought help back then. But I didn't really understand what was going on. I was ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I spent hours on the internet googling symptoms, obsessed with my children potentially getting sick. I allowed that to fester and grow. By the time my official diagnosis was made I had been unwell for quite some time. I guess the body can only handle that kind of stress for so long. 

 

Lexapro did help in a way. It wasn't overnight but slowly the obsessive thoughts lessened and I began to live free of fear. It was at a cost though. I became lethargic, unmotivated, uncaring about ANYTHING. I gained a lot of weight and was scared to leave the home so spent countless hours staring at a computer screen, ignoring the housework and seldom preparing a decent meal for my family. My husband drifted away from me because the woman I had become was unrecognisable to him. We are still together but there was a time when our marriage was hanging on by a thread. 

 

As I come down in my dose of Antidepressants there are days when I am fearful of living a life similar to the one that started back in 2000. I have seen some rapid improvements in myself. I am down by about 25lbs in weight from my highest on medication. My marriage is doing well. I have a lot more energy and try to exercise regularly. I love cooking again. My house is neat and tidy. I go out with friends, walk around the shops or just in nature to escape the home from time to time. 

 

I have a toolbox of things that help me deal with my symptoms. They don't always work as well as I would like but they are there when I need them. Right now I have been sitting on 2mg of Lexapro for almost five months. There are days when I wonder if I will ever stabilise. The anxiety is hard to deal with and I never know when to expect it. I am getting more and more windows so my hope is that these will increase and I will be able to withdraw more in the not too distant future.  I think anxiety will always be part of 'Me'. I know that I can't take a pill to make it go away. I have to learn to live with it the best way I can. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Kristine

You are so insightful LRH.  I'm sure many of us including myself can relate to so many of your reflections.  What you wrote shows a great deal of courage and wisdom. I am so pleased to have met you!

1 hour ago, Longestroadhome said:

As I come down in my dose of Antidepressants there are days when I am fearful of living a life similar to the one that started back in 2000. I have seen some rapid improvements in myself. I am down by about 25lbs in weight from my highest on medication. My marriage is doing well. I have a lot more energy and try to exercise regularly. I love cooking again. My house is neat and tidy. I go out with friends, walk around the shops or just in nature to escape the home from time to time. 

This is wonderful LRH and gives me a great deal of hope.  Thank you.  I also gained a great deal of weight on these drugs.  Then lost 15kg due to dexamphetamine and bowel issues. My weight has been up and down like a yo yo for years. And you love cooking again!!!! Cooking has been a life long passion for me but nada at the moment. Not for over two years.

 

Anxiety is a horrible beast. It can just creep up at times.  JanCarol wrote a lovely zen story on my thread about demons (that didn't sound so lovely) anyway, I relate it to my anxiety demons.  I found it very helpful. 

 

Hugs. K xo


  • Citalopram 20mg - 40mg ~ approx 2010 - October 2015 (stopped over one week)
  • Parnate  20mg - 50mg and olazapine 5mg ~ Jan 2016 - May 2016 (ceased over 2 days) 
  • Lithium 450mg-900 mg and Thyroxin ~May 2016 - May 2017
  • Diazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ 2015 - 2017
  • Oxazepam various doses (including PRN) ~ May 2016 - June 2016
  • Lurasidone 20mg ~Mid May 2016 - Mid June 2016
  • Vortioxetine 10mg - 20mg ~ 6th June 2016 - 20th July 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Amitriptyline 200mg ~July 2016 - September 2016 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Nortriptyline  (dose ?) ~October 2016 ~ November 2016 (abruptly ceased)
  • Seroquel XR 100mg - 300mg ~ May 2016 - August 2017 (ceased over 3 weeks)
  • Escitalopram 10mg - 30mg ~ August 2016 - March 2017 (ceased over 2 weeks)
  • Bupropion 300mg ~ December 2016 - May 2017 (ceased over 1 week)
  • Clonazepam 1.5mg daily ~ July 2016 (started tapering May 2017 - September 2017 currently on 0.375mg..ie 0.125mg TDS) 27th May 2018 5% 0.357mg (possible paradoxical reaction - see benzo thread)  28th June 5% 0.337mg, 28th July 10% 0.303mg, 12th September10% 0.272mg, 18th September reinstated 10% due to intolerable WD 0.303mg, 1st October-11th Oct 10% (1% reduction over 10 days) 0.272mg, 22nd October clonazepam ceased crossed over 10mg diazepam
  •  Dexamphatamine 20mg ~ December 2016 (started tapering October 2017 - tapered 1.25mg 4th Dec 2017, 1.25mg 19th Dec 2017 6.25mg, Speed up decrease due to major interaction between Dex and fluoxetine- ref to thread 10% 17th Feb 2018 5.63mg, 10% 21st Feb 2018 5.1mg, 10% 26th Feb 2018 4.5mg 10% 28th Feb 4.1mg, 10% 1st March 3.7mg, 10% 5th March 3.3mg, 10% 8th March 3mg, 10% 10th March 2.7mg, 10% 12th March 2.4mg, 10% 14th March 2.16mg, 10% 16th March 1.94mg, 10% 18th March 1.74mg, 10% 20th March 1.57mg, 10% 21st March 1.41mg, 10% 22nd March 1.26mg, 10% 23rd March 1.13mg, 10% 24th March 1.01mg, 10% 25th March 0.9mg, 10% 27th March 0.81mg, 10% 29th March 0.73mg, 10% 31st March 0.66mg, 10% 2nd April 0.59mg , 10% 4th April 0.53mg, 10% 6th April 0.47mg, 10% 8th April 0.42mg, 10%10th April 0.37mg, 11th April 0.2mg, 12th April 0.1mg (last dose) OFF! 
  • Fluoxetine 40mg ~December 2016 -.31 Jan 2018 reduced to 20mg (probable serotonin toxicity) 10th March 2020 10mg, 7th April 9mg, 1st May 8.5mg, 15th May 8.0mg, 27th May 7.5mg, 8th Sept 7.2mg, 2nd Oct 7mg, 19th Oct 6.8mg, 28th Oct 6.6mg 
  • Diazepam 10mg ~ 22nd Oct 2018, 10th November 8mg, 14th Nov 7mg, 8th December 6mg, 30th December 5mg (Nocte), 7th March 2019 4.5mg,14th March 4mg, 5th April 3.5mg, 9th April 3mg, 18th April 2.5mg,1st May 2mg, 17th May 1.75mg, 25th May 1.6mg, 4th June 1.59mg, 5th June 1.58mg, 6th June 1.57mg, 7th June 1.56mg, 8th June 1.55mg, 22nd June 1.4mg, 4th July 1.2mg, 16th July 1mg, 30th July 0.8mg, 13th Aug 0.6mg, 28th Aug 0.4mg, 10th Sept 0.2mg, 23rd Sept Off! 
  • SR Circadin 2mg (melatonin) 25th May - 20th June 
  • Zolpidem 10mg 25th May (7 tablets)
  • Supplements: Magnesium glycinate (soluble - sip throughout the day) 

 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you can go,  just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome"    Unknown 

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Thelongestroadhome
16 hours ago, Kristine said:

You are so insightful LRH.  I'm sure many of us including myself can relate to so many of your reflections.  What you wrote shows a great deal of courage and wisdom. I am so pleased to have met you!

This is wonderful LRH and gives me a great deal of hope.  Thank you.  I also gained a great deal of weight on these drugs.  Then lost 15kg due to dexamphetamine and bowel issues. My weight has been up and down like a yo yo for years. And you love cooking again!!!! Cooking has been a life long passion for me but nada at the moment. Not for over two years.

 

Anxiety is a horrible beast. It can just creep up at times.  JanCarol wrote a lovely zen story on my thread about demons (that didn't sound so lovely) anyway, I relate it to my anxiety demons.  I found it very helpful. 

 

Hugs. K xo

I'm glad that my post gave you some hope. The cooking enthusiasm is a recent thing. Lexapro took so much away from me. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

This morning on social media someone posted about the suicide of a mother in her community who has left behind a husband and young children. She went on to say that she wished mental health was more accepted and talked about and if it were then perhaps this woman would not have taken her life.  

I don't know that I always believe that. I think people, especially those 'new' to depression and anxiety would reach out for help. In fact I wonder if the woman she spoke of was already on medication. That story seems more likely to me. The suicides that I have been made aware of in recent years were all linked to abrupt withdrawal from one drug in order to start another. Coincidence?  Well meaning people always plug the same line 'see your doctor, get help'. I read a few comments from people who used the 'chemical imbalance' line. Only the woman who decided to end her life knows the real story. The cynical side of me always tends to read in between the lines. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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wantrelief
26 minutes ago, Longestroadhome said:

This morning on social media someone posted about the suicide of a mother in her community who has left behind a husband and young children. She went on to say that she wished mental health was more accepted and talked about and if it were then perhaps this woman would not have taken her life.  

I don't know that I always believe that. I think people, especially those 'new' to depression and anxiety would reach out for help. In fact I wonder if the woman she spoke of was already on medication. That story seems more likely to me. The suicides that I have been made aware of in recent years were all linked to abrupt withdrawal from one drug in order to start another. Coincidence?  Well meaning people always plug the same line 'see your doctor, get help'. I read a few comments from people who used the 'chemical imbalance' line. Only the woman who decided to end her life knows the real story. The cynical side of me always tends to read in between the lines. 

I have had similar thoughts to you when reading these stories having now experienced SI whist on medication....I never had this prior to taking an AD.  I also question when people talk about mental health being more accepted, that that is the reason why these incidents occur.  I have tried to explain to friends what is going on with me, that I think medication is causing my problems and somehow the conversation will often still come back to me having a "mental health" problem.  I just don't think people can fathom that the treatment for "mental health" problems can often make things worse, they just see it as a mentally ill person who needs medication and if that was more widely accepted all would be fine when we know the problem is much more complicated than that.


-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper; withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin
-Tried several times to slowly taper Zoloft by 10%, then 5% every 4-6 weeks; could never get below approx. 40 mg - spring 2012 experienced major WD symptoms due to stress; tried to updose but no relief, back on Klonopin 1 mg.
-Switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to Citalopram. Finished Zoloft 1/13; Citalopram 35 mg and 1 mg Klonopin.
-8/13: 27 mg Citalopram; 1 mg Klonopin

-11/14: 12.6 Citalopram - began to have bad withdrawal symptoms; out of desperation increased to 1.25 mg Klonopin at the beginning of December.  12/13/14 16 mg Citalopram - going to stay here to try to stabilize; stabilized on 16 mg Citalopram after 4-5 months

-7/15 - 3/16: reduced to 15 mg; ~ 2 months later w/d hit hard (probably r/t stress); 6/16 updosed to 20 mg Citalopram and trying to stabilize. Updosed to 1.5 Klonopin as well. Stabilized on 20 mg Citalopram after 4-5 months

8/17-9/17: feeling withdrawal symptoms at 20 mg Citalopram (due to stress) - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium glycinate; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg

2020: 1/14/20: 10.89 mg (1.27% drop); 1/22/20: 10.75 mg (1.29% drop); 2/28/20 toe surgery; 4/26/20: 10.62 mg (1.21% drop); 5/3/20: 10.5 mg (1.22% drop); 5/10/20: 10.4 mg (1.24% drop); 5/17/20: 10.2 mg (1.25% drop); 6/7/20: 10.10 mg (1.27% drop); 6/14/20: 9.98 mg (1.19% drop); 6/21/20: 9.85 mg (1.30% drop); 6/28/20: 9.7 mg (1.22% drop); 7/12/20: 9.6 mg (1.23% drop); 7/19/20: 9.5 mg (1.25% drop); 7/26/20: 9.4 mg (1.26% drop); 8/2/20: 9.3 mg (1.28% drop); 8/17/20: 9.14 mg (1.19% drop); 8/31/20: 9.0 mg (1.31% drop); 9/6/20: 8.9 mg (1.22% drop); 9/27/20: 8.8 mg (1.23% drop); 10/4/20: 8.7 mg (1.25% drop); 10/11/20: 8.6 mg (1.27% drop); 10/18/20: 8.5 mg (1.28% drop)

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Thelongestroadhome
3 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I have had similar thoughts to you when reading these stories having now experienced SI whist on medication....I never had this prior to taking an AD.  I also question when people talk about mental health being more accepted, that that is the reason why these incidents occur.  I have tried to explain to friends what is going on with me, that I think medication is causing my problems and somehow the conversation will often still come back to me having a "mental health" problem.  I just don't think people can fathom that the treatment for "mental health" problems can often make things worse, they just see it as a mentally ill person who needs medication and if that was more widely accepted all would be fine when we know the problem is much more complicated than that.

Yes, I agree completely. Before finding this site I would have joined in with the conversation as someone who promoted medication. 

I am a bit of a curious sort of person and part of my ‘healing’ has come from researching stories of some well known celebrities who commuted suicide. I can say without prejudice that most of the stories I have read tell stories similar to what we read here on SA. Years of medication, switching from one drug to the other before finally succumbing to their ‘ mental illness’.  

For me it was necessary to confirm what I read here by researching outside the forum. Perhaps I was hoping it wasn’t true, that another medicine could ‘fix’ me. You know on those days when withdrawal is unbearable and you would do anything to feel better! But instead all I read was confirmation that the drugs were the problem. 

I guess the pharmaceutical industry don’t want the public to know the truth. They continue to plug the same old story about people not reaching out for help. And most people, unaware of the truth, believe it. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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powerback
On ‎09‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 7:05 AM, Longestroadhome said:

I am sorry that you are having a rough day. We do seem to have the ability to keep fighting, even when we think we can't fight a minute longer. In mindfulness they say to concentrate on the NOW which is fine except if NOW happens to be blinking awful. I prefer to daydream about a future that hopefully looks brighter. So I think I fail at mindfulness. 

I have to strongly disagree to this statement ,in no way are you failing .I watch a lot of Eckhart tolle and this comes up a lot in questions from audience members about living in the now ,you are correct to day dream or distract  when you are over whelmed .

We are writhing the handbook on living with withdrawal and adverse affects of meds .we all deserve a medal at least.

Take care . 


Alcohol free since February 2015 

1MG diazepam

4.5MG PROZAC.

 

 

 

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powerback
On ‎09‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 7:05 AM, Longestroadhome said:

I wonder what would happen if everyone could suddenly hear the thoughts aloud of people around them. Today I walked around the supermarket and it went something like this............."Fuc.....ing  get lost...........I hate this............Piss off............." I was of course talking to the anxiety flooding my brain. All the while smiling politely at other shoppers walking past. Probably not a good idea if people could hear my thoughts because someone would call the men in white coats and take me in to the psych ward. 

I think you would be surprised at the amount of people that have the same thoughts also ,so don't judge yourself to harshly .

I can relate to everything to write about the self talk .


Alcohol free since February 2015 

1MG diazepam

4.5MG PROZAC.

 

 

 

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Rosetta
On February 13, 2018 at 10:09 PM, Longestroadhome said:

Lexapro did help in a way. It wasn't overnight but slowly the obsessive thoughts lessened and I began to live free of fear. It was at a cost though. I became lethargic, unmotivated, uncaring about ANYTHING. I gained a lot of weight and was scared to leave the home so spent countless hours staring at a computer screen, ignoring the housework and seldom preparing a decent meal for my family. My husband drifted away from me because the woman I had become was unrecognisable to him. We are still together but there was a time when our marriage was hanging on by a thread. 

 

As I come down in my dose of Antidepressants there are days when I am fearful of living a life similar to the one that started back in 2000. I have seen some rapid improvements in myself. I am down by about 25lbs in weight from my highest on medication. My marriage is doing well. I have a lot more energy and try to exercise regularly. I love cooking again. My house is neat and tidy. I go out with friends, walk around the shops or just in nature to escape the home from time to time. 

 

I could have written something similar to your first paragraph.  I remember feeling good on Celexa in the early years, and I miss those days.  But, of course, taking Celexa was opening Pandora's box or making a wish with a genie that had unintended consequences.  The ADs don't "work" any better than opium it's just that opium has an immediate effect (or so I understand having never tried it.). There will always be a price to pay as the ADs change the brain and then poop out.  The dose will always go up.  They cannot be taken for years or for "life" unless that life is going to be one of ongoing iatrogenic illness.  That's my opinion from reading SA and the accounts of how stars have lost their minds and or lives.  Eventually, there will come a time when the drug must be tapered.  There will be pain and discomfort if not worse.  It's very likely to be worse than any original condition that caused one to try ADs in the first place. No one should be taking these drugs.  

 

As for your second paragraph quoted above, that is so good to hear.  I can't wait to enjoy cooking again and having a neat and tidy house!!  I can't wait to have friends again or connect better with those I have managed to keep.  Thanks for the encouraging words!

 

Rosetta


https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Thelongestroadhome
21 hours ago, powerback said:

I have to strongly disagree to this statement ,in no way are you failing .I watch a lot of Eckhart tolle and this comes up a lot in questions from audience members about living in the now ,you are correct to day dream or distract  when you are over whelmed .

We are writhing the handbook on living with withdrawal and adverse affects of meds .we all deserve a medal at least.

Take care . 

Thank You Powerback, I will take that medal!  I appreciate your comments and it has made me curious to go back and watch some more Eckhart to see what he says on that topic. I do love mindfulness but always struggle with self doubt!


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome
15 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

I could have written something similar to your first paragraph.  I remember feeling good on Celexa in the early years, and I miss those days.  But, of course, taking Celexa was opening Pandora's box or making a wish with a genie that had unintended consequences.  The ADs don't "work" any better than opium it's just that opium has an immediate effect (or so I understand having never tried it.). There will always be a price to pay as the ADs change the brain and then poop out.  The dose will always go up.  They cannot be taken for years or for "life" unless that life is going to be one of ongoing iatrogenic illness.  That's my opinion from reading SA and the accounts of how stars have lost their minds and or lives.  Eventually, there will come a time when the drug must be tapered.  There will be pain and discomfort if not worse.  It's very likely to be worse than any original condition that caused one to try ADs in the first place. No one should be taking these drugs.  

 

As for your second paragraph quoted above, that is so good to hear.  I can't wait to enjoy cooking again and having a neat and tidy house!!  I can't wait to have friends again or connect better with those I have managed to keep.  Thanks for the encouraging words!

 

Rosetta

Hi Rosetta, Yes I agree with what you said. The Lexapro pooped out on me a few years ago. I distinctly remember waking with a feeling of dread and anxiety and I knew something had changed. That is when I did some research and found out about this site. I was a secret reader for a while before joining. I thought I was doing well till I hit the 4mg mark!!

 

I do hope that you find a new passion for cooking and cleaning again! it was only after writing that down in the above post that I realized how far I had come in that regard. For many years I never did much housework at all. I honestly couldn't care less about how my home looked. And my poor kids lived on Chicken nuggets and chips for way too long. It is so good to be back in the kitchen.


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

I am in a wave so this post may reflect that. 

 

I am tired. Tired of living with anxiety. Tired of constantly analysing my mood. Tired of being fearful. Tired of waking each morning dreading the day ahead. 

 

My my eyes are blurry, especially in bright artificial light. I seem to be super sensitive to that kind of light. I had my eyes tested and they were  normal. 

 

I am health obsessed. I catastrophise every symptom ( or non symptom) Everything means death in my warped mind. 

 

I have let a lot of my ‘tool box’  helps Go. My main one was listening to  Audible self help books. I used to do it at night whilst my husband watched TV. Now I am back to watching TV with him. I am not listening to Eckhart Tolle any more either, I let that go too. Instead I waste hours scrolling social media. My ‘to do’ list has been buried somewhere which upsets me. The list contained things for ME such as Acupuncture, floatation tank sessions and reflexology. My self care is non existent. 

 

I know what I need to do. I have it written here to remind me. Instead of worrying about my future, stressing over things that haven’t happened and may never happen I need to focus on self care and preservation NOW. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Happy2Heal

I'm sorry you're in a wave, it will pass but it's crummy when you're in it.


I think some days we need a day off from it all, to just do nothing at all. Maybe today is your day.

 

I found that some of the selfcare stuff would start to actually trigger me, because it reminded me of withdrawal/recovery and the long hard road that it can be.  :/

 

so don't beat yourself up for letting things go, maybe that's just what you need to do for now.

 

the tools will still be there for you when you want to use them.

 

I hope things smooth out for you very quickly! 

 


  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictalBrief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 tapered down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again, too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
 

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