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☼ Thelongestroadhome: long road back with Lexapro

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Thelongestroadhome

I celebrate my second anniversary of being drug free this week. It’s rather strange really because I find myself writing this whilst struggling with ongoing anxiety. 
 

I want to let people know that there isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! Not that being drug free isn’t a wonderful achievement but it doesn’t mean that life will be full of bells and whistles, rainbows and unicorns 🦄 

 

life is full of ups and downs. There is no escape from that. We would all love to live a life without suffering but I’m afraid that only happens in fairytales. In many ways I am thankful for the dark times because they remind me that there is a higher power, greater than myself and it is in these dark times that I call upon that power for help. I’m embarrassed to admit that often, when times are good, I forget about that higher power as I relish in my life of uncomplicated bliss. Yet how welcoming that power is, how loving, forgiving  and accepting of this mortal soul who comes and goes as she pleases. 
 

My current state of anxiety isn’t a wave, it is Life. I am struggling to deal with a sick parent whilst attempting to be the best wife and mother to my own immediate family. And in amongst all that trying desperately to take care of ME. 
 

I have to work extra hard and use my tool box through this time. It’s daily maintenance. Taking time to read my daily scripture, to say my prayers, to meditate, to feed myself nourishing food, to go for a walk. Eckhart Tolle, Bless his soul, is still my go to teacher and as I sit and breathe in his words there is peace that no medicine ever prescribed could give me. I am reminded of how difficult it was to even take in teaching or read a book whilst on lexapro. At least now That my brain is free of mind altering drugs I can meditate on the teaching and absorb the goodness. And Byron Katie.... such simple truths on re thinking our thoughts. How blessed I am to have discovered these wisdom teachers. 
 

I just realised that if I went to the Doctors today with symptoms of stress related anxiety she would probably diagnose me with ‘A chemical imbalance’ that thought makes me 😂 nope.... just Life Doc 🤣


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

There has been a major conflict this week within my family. Without going in the too much detail it was an unnecessary fallout due to built up resentment. 
 

I have tried to act as the intermediary between the two parties, both people whom I love dearly. Not an easy task! But a valuable lesson for me on how important it is to forgive and move on. Right now it does not appear that any of the parties involved wants to forgive and in all honesty it is probably too early to try to resolve this hurt. Words were spoken and feelings hurt. Sometimes that takes time. 
 

I spoke at length over the past two days with one of those involved. All they wanted to do was tell their story. The more we spoke the longer the story got! It went back years, digging up all the hurt from previous occasions and adding them to this event. Eckhart Tolle calls these stories The Pain Body. Stories that we tell ourselves, growing in length and drama each and every year.  Past hurts, self pity and past drama all rolled up to form our story. 
 

You know those people who have large pain bodies, you see them in the supermarket and you desperately try to avoid eye contact in case they see you and start to tell their story. You’ve heard it before of course but it’s been about six weeks since you saw them so they have some additional material to add to the repertoire. It’s sad really because who are they without their story? It is almost like it has become their identity and they don’t even know themselves without it. 
 

My relative has a very large pain body. It goes back to childhood, or so she tells me. If only people could understand how difficult her life has been they wouldn’t criticise her for her behaviour in this situation. I spend hours trying to get her to look at this from the other person’s perspective. Yes.... But.... is her cry. 
 

I tried using the thought reversal technique that I wrote extensively about in previous post. We couldn’t get past the ‘turnaround’ without her re telling me her story! She just couldn’t let it go. It’s sad because she is in such turmoil and is struggling with this event quite badly. All she wants is for the other person to admit they are wrong so she can be justified. I can’t see that happening. Not yet. 
 

Forgiveness isn’t easy but it is necessary. Without it you simply can’t move on. It becomes another chapter in your story, The pain body. Forgiveness is healing for you more than anything else. 
 

looking at the story from someone else’s perspective is healing. That is where the four questions, or ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie is useful. Turning our thoughts around and questioning them. But as I saw with my relative, it is not easy for everyone. Perhaps let some time pass for the initial hurt to lessen before attempting it. 
 

I am reminded of my journey with depression and antidepressant withdrawal. How easy it could become my story! I could use it as an excuse for poor behaviour, relationship breakdowns, my inability to lose weight... heck I could use it for just about anything!! I could be that person in the supermarket that everyone wants to avoid! I’ll spot a familiar face and cry out ‘ hey.... haven’t seen you in a while.... do you want to hear my story?’ 
 

Yes, I have a story but that isn’t my identity. I am so much more than a woman who suffered depression and spent eleven years coming off medication. If you want to know more and you ask I’ll share it but it isn’t who I am. I hope that it has made me a stronger and better person and if you see anything then I hope you see that. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.alwayswellwithin.com/blog/2017/10/14/byron-katie-quotes%3fformat=amp


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

https://youtu.be/E5tSCwQnfiI

 

sometimes a beautiful song breaks through the darkness


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

https://youtu.be/j91ST2gtR44

 

Are you struggling? This will help 😘


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Kingfisher86

I just watched it and it did help,

especially sentance where he talks about why children scream

and the unconscious belief we have that things are going to change if I am really unhappy.🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Thanks🐳


July 19th 2017—July 2018: 10 mg Escitalopram

August 2018— June 2020: 5 mg Escitalopram

 

Tapering started:

June 2020—1st of August.

Lowest dose was 5 mg (5 mg every second day for a couple of weeks, then 5 mg twice a week for a couple of weeks, and lastly 5 mg once a week until I stopped)

 

Drug free: August 1st, 2020

 

I was on 500mg Metformin for PCOS for the last two years. Stopped on 7th of August 2020.

 

Supplements:  Magnesium citrate—400mg; Omega 3—2000-3000 mg; Zinc (slow release)

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Thelongestroadhome
On 10/15/2020 at 6:22 PM, Kingfisher86 said:

I just watched it and it did help,

especially sentance where he talks about why children scream

and the unconscious belief we have that things are going to change if I am really unhappy.🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Thanks🐳

I’m glad it helped 🙏 such wisdom in these short videos! 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Thelongestroadhome

I think that when I am fully recovered you will not see me on this site very much! The better I feel the less inclined I am to pop in 😜 but as you can see I am here and that probably means that I am struggling. 
 

I have been in a wave since around May this year. Umm what was going on around then 🤔 My dad went in to care the same time Covid was beginning to wreak havoc on the world. I coped well for a long time before it really started to get to me. I also changed my diet from a pescatarian plant based to a purely vegan plant based. I’ve been all over the place with diets from keto to raw vegan but my general preferences is always more plant based. Vegan dieticians recommend a number of supplements including B12, K2, Algae based omega 3, none of which I am currently taking 🤦‍♀️ I also stopped taking magnesium. So my first job is to correct this and start supplements. I also need to re start my iron supplement as I have low iron regardless of how I eat. Even on a meat heavy keto diet my iron ran low. I think it is importance to remember that anxiety and depression can often be a symptom of any of these deficiencies ( Thank you Dr Kelly Brogan!)

 

I am tending to wake earlier with higher anxiety which gradually reduces over the course of the day. I am trying to keep busy, acknowledge the feelings but carry on regardless. 
 

Exercise definitely helps and I try to get out on my bike most days. 
 

I do think that the circumstances which led me to this place ( Dad, covid, family fallouts) could have been better managed. I didn’t take care of ME nearly as much as I should  have. I stopped meditating, spent way too much time on social  media and didn’t focus on present moment life. 
 

I will start my new supplement regime today and update on how I go after a few weeks or so. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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ChessieCat
51 minutes ago, Thelongestroadhome said:

I will start my new supplement regime today

 

It might be worth starting to introduce them one at a time.


REMINDER TO SELF:

I don't need the drug now, but my still brain does.

ADs:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (caused muscle weakness), Zoloft/sertraline; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after)

Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (mild Serotonin Toxicity)

Began tapering Oct 2015  Current from 17 Oct 2020:  Pristiq 0.56 mg (compounded + liquid)

My tapering program

My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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Thelongestroadhome
10 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

It might be worth starting to introduce them one at a time.

Umm... that’s a good point. 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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Leila
8 hours ago, Thelongestroadhome said:

So my first job is to correct this and start supplements. I also need to re start my iron supplement as I have low iron regardless of how I eat. Even on a meat heavy keto diet my iron ran low. I think it is importance to remember that anxiety and depression can often be a symptom of any of these deficiencies ( Thank you Dr Kelly Brogan!)

Hi @Thelongestroadhome¡

I’m sorry some circumstances put you down but your last post of September is such an inspiration and I agree about the fact that we had to learn to accept ups and downs of life (anxiety included).

I also did a check up and I found iron and vit. D deficiency... I will try to introduce supplements one at time as @ChessieCat suggests... Give us an update about your status! Bye!


July 2015: start citalopram 20 mg for big stress

After two year I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I suppose in a wrong way. First down to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and jump

At the end of January 2020: off citalopram (last dosage 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crush. The beginning of the Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement: pill of saffron (30 mg) + 1 mg melatonin + vit. E,  EPA+DHA, magnesium bisglicinate, theanina.

Try to meditate/mindfulness, walk/run daily, CBT, acupuncture weekly (anxiety protocol) and massage.

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Thelongestroadhome

I want to reflect on my last post. In re reading it I have realised that one may assume that I am currently in a wave and have been that way since May of this year. Well, I did say that! 
 

I must admit that on the day of writing my spirit was utterly downcast ( health issues with my son) and I went against everything that I preach and allowed my thoughts to take me to a very dark place. I’m ok with that. We all have bad days and for me that was one of them. 
 

I apologise to anyone who read it and was left feeling deflated. I understand that in this journey the positive testimonies are few and far between. In my journey I searched hungrily for hope, for confirmation that I would come out of the darkness and find light again. 
 

My life HAS been difficult since May and there are many times that I feel completely overwhelmed with the anxiety of life. But am I in a wave 🤔 No.... I honestly don’t think that I am. I am struggling with issues and many days feel overwhelmed but it is not like how I was in the midst of my journey with post natal depression and withdrawal. In that journey there was NO rhyme nor reason for my anxiety! And although life is currently tough there are many many occasions where I feel joy, happiness and contentment. 
 

I still need to get testing for possible deficiencies but In my post I fell in to the trap of falling for  ‘supplements are the answer’ Heck! I can’t believe I did that 😜 Anyone who has read my thread will know that I spent thousands of dollars on every supplement credited to help with depression! Nothing worked yet here I am pinning my hopes on a new outcome 😂 Don’t get me wrong, I still believe things like B12 deficiency and low iron can contribute to mood but spending $$$$ on the latest super Berry in tablet form in the hope of being freed from stress causing anxiety is NOT my thing. 
 

I must read my own writing and preach to myself sometimes. Withdrawing from antidepressants doesn’t lead to utopia 🤓 life sucks sometimes and we have to put on our big girls blouse and suck it up ( Aussie slang 😂😂)  I wish it wasn’t like that but sadly it is. Withdrawal anxiety is awful! Life stress anxiety is awful too but I’d take the latter any day. 
 

One step forward.... keep 🚶‍♀️ 
 

 


Current...Drug free since September 2018

December 2007 30mg Lexapro and a benzodiazepine December 2008 25mg, December 2009 20mg, December 2010 15mg Lexapro, December 2011 10mg Lexapro. Long hold as I felt happy with the dose and saw no need at the time to reduce further. September 2015 dropped to 5mg. Terrible anxiety started two months later. June 2016 dropped to 3mg and terrible obsessive thoughts and anxiety so ten days later I reinstated back to 5mg. October 2016 dropped to 4mg. April 2017 dropped to 3mg. September 2017 dropped to 2mg. Terrible obsessive thoughts. Anxiety through the roof. OCD.  September 2018 quit cold turkey 2mg Lexapro. March 2019 feeling better than I have in years. 

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