Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

I'm ok right now.  Last night was quite awful.  Thanks for asking DMV.

 

Thanks Rabe and Carmie.  I needed to hear that.

 

Journal:

 

Cortisol spike at 12:15 am.  Anxiety relaxed, and I went back to sleep, but constantly awakened by my daughter flailing about the bed.  Spike after spike,  and I was up crying hard for a very long time.  My husband tried to comfort me.  I feel asleep in his bed, but was awakened by my dsughter crying out for me when she woke up alone.  That caused another terrible spike.  I lay down with her and felt as if I had had a heart attack for a long while.  When I fell asleep again I had another spike after being awakened by my daughter's body moving about.  Early this morning, I had another spike but I finally feel asleep and rested until 8:25 when I woke up without a spike.

 

There was a lot of SI in the night.  I'm trying to forget about it.  

 

Moderators, I'm losing my mind.   I expected to sleep well after having a very hard cry in the night.  

 

Do I tough this out or think about lamictal?  

 

I suppose this could be hormonal.  No cycle has occurred in many, many weeks, but I'm sure there are still hormones occurring at lower levels that could be causing these symptoms.  I'm very tempted to use Unisom, but I have avoided it for 5 1/2 months.  I'm afraid to take it for fear it might make things worse.  

 

I haven't been been for a walk in many days.  

 

I have been taking mag, and I just opened a new bottle of magnesium (Calm).  It seemed to be stronger than the old bottle based on my reaction yesterday morning. (Potty issue).  Maybe it loses potency after its opened?  Perhaps I wasn't getting much of it last week?

 

I'm trying to get through this and not spiral.  

[wantrelief]

I am so sorry you had such a difficult night, Rosetta.  Hang on to the better moments you have had as they will come again. I am thinking about you and sending lots of hugs - WR.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Oh Rosetta: so sorry to hear about the tsunami of symptoms. I hear you. It is impossible to tease apart what is WD-related, what is situational, what is hormonal (my cycle came at 3 weeks instead of the usual 4 and threw me into black days)... I am curious to what mods will advise. Thinking of you much ((((((( 💙 ))))))))

[Hazel]

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time Rosetta.  I am not doing well either and have even been thinking about calling my doctor.  I just so badly need relief from this anxiety.    I broke down crying in front of my girls today and felt so bad about it after.  It can just get so hard to put on a happy face and pretend everything is just fine.  I just wanted to let you know I am here for you and wishing you well.  This is just so incredibly unfair that we have to suffer for so long.  

[Rabe]

Rosetta...I don't know what to say...your rollercoaster becomes one in my heart.  I was so hopeful and happy reading your recent posts... that you were getting out, sleeping better, feeling better.  I too hope the moderators have some suggestions that will help...if I can help in any way please let me know.

 

In reading your past texts there seems to be a relation to your spikes and what follows with the interruption of your sleep?  Would your daughter sleep with her dad or no?  Is there some way you could have a twin bed next to yours so that she is there but not waking you with her little legs?  Maybe this is all nonsensical...if so sorry...mind is more than a tad off today. But just seems that something happens after you are awakened like that...

 

Hugs...and prayers for better sleep tonight...please take care Rosetta!!! 💜 

   

[LexAnger]

Oh, I'm so sorry for such a difficult night! You must feel very exhausted both physically and mentally.

I know how much you want to be there for Your daughter. But from my recent hard lesson trying to go beyond of what I should and could do for my son (helping him lifting a electric fireplace weighting 60 pounds to to his 2nd floor apartment that started my downhill from the back injury, mri shock, then reactions to food additives all together almost took my life), i know learned the best way I can be there for him is to take good care of my self first. 

 

It's hard to do so though when it's in conflict, but will be best in a longer term. I hope you can work out some plans to ensure a night sleep without much disturbance. Your health for the time being is more critical giving how each of the little thing can impact your general wellness and recovery.

 

Make sure at the least you get a good night sleep!

 

Love and hugs,

Lex

 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

So sorry you’re struggling so much. You have lots of love here on your thread. A lot of people are concerned about you. I’m sure the moderators will get to you soon. Sending much love too💚

[Songbird]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Moderators, I'm losing my mind.   I expected to sleep well after having a very hard cry in the night.  

 

Do I tough this out or think about lamictal?  

 

I suppose this could be hormonal.  No cycle has occurred in many, many weeks, but I'm sure there are still hormones occurring at lower levels that could be causing these symptoms.  I'm very tempted to use Unisom, but I have avoided it for 5 1/2 months.  I'm afraid to take it for fear it might make things worse.  

 

I haven't been been for a walk in many days.  

 

I have been taking mag, and I just opened a new bottle of magnesium (Calm).  It seemed to be stronger than the old bottle based on my reaction yesterday morning. (Potty issue).  Maybe it loses potency after its opened?  Perhaps I wasn't getting much of it last week?

 

I'm trying to get through this and not spiral.  

 

Hi Rosetta,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now.  Withdrawal can make us feel like we are losing our minds, but it isn't true.  Even when you are struggling, I see your posts here to others that contain huge amounts of wisdom and common sense, so your mind is still able to write beautifully.  I've personally found hormonal stuff really messes me up so it is quite possible this may be a factor for you too.  I think you have good coping skills and will find ways to "not spiral" as you put it.  Looking back through your posts it looks like you've had some better days recently, and I'm sure once this horrible wave passes, you'll have some more better days soon.

[SkyBlue]

Rosetta, sending you love and solidarity. You are loved and valued.

One of the mods w more knowledge will come by and make a recommendation. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. 

[Altostrata]

On 6/17/2018 at 9:24 AM, Rosetta said:

Anxiety relaxed, and I went back to sleep, but constantly awakened by my daughter flailing about the bed.

 

Are you co-sleeping with your daughter? This seems to disrupt your sleep. Is there a way you can work around this?

 

It sounds like you need to protect your sleep, when you don't have enough, it affects everything.

[Rosetta]

Bizzarro World reigns!  Today was the most "normal" day I have had in a long while.  Perhaps this is due, in part, to the fact that last night's sleep was much better.  Perhaps the reason is that I'm coming out of a wave.  It's probably both.  I had one strong cortisol surge at about 12:30, and one very mild one in the early morning -- my incredibly annoying cat stood on the roof directly outside the window and meowed loudly right in my ear.  No surge upon awakening.  (Those have a very strong effect on my day.)

 

Alto, yes.  My little one is still afraid of the dark and can't fall asleep without me. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place with regard to this issue.  I find it difficult to endure her distress in general, but when her cries wake me in another room the adrenaline surge is intense -- so much more intense than the average surge when her squirming wakes me.  So, I choose the lesser harm -- until, of course, a particularly difficult series of nights each have multiple cortisol surges.  Add to that my fear of her feeling rejected any more than she does as a result of my anhedonic moods and anxiety ridden states.  

 

Thanks, Alto, I was looking at this problem as a wave in which the primary symptom was cortisol spikes instead of seeing the more likely cause being lack of sleep.  Perhaps the lack of sleep is contributing to the multiple incidences of cortisol spikes!   However, last night was much better.  So, the jury's out, but it couldn't hurt to have my own bed and better sleep, could it? 

 

The option of two beds in a room might be possible.  How effective that would be in the short term I'm not sure, but perhaps once we both became used to the arrangement . . . (Thanks, @Rabe.). 

[wantrelief]

I am so glad you had a much better day today, Rosetta!  

 

[Altostrata]

How about a big body pillow you can put between you, or a big stuffed animal she can hug?

[Rosetta]

To be clear -- today was a window.  I had almost normal emotions -- a little blunted maybe, maybe not.  I connected with my husband nicely on an emotional level - so rare.  I heard music from when I was a young teenager -- a horrible time in my life -- but didn't get upset.  I enjoyed it as I would expect to with normal emotion.  I walked on the beach and enjoyed the feeling of the ocean washing over my feet instead feeling physically uncomfortable and cold!!!  I enjoyed the idea of reading about Granada, Spain in a book called A Pomegrante in the Hand of God.  (Could not read much of it due to increased dystonia caused by reading.)

 

All the same, I don't feel too excited about the window.  It's probably another tease, and it will be gone quickly.  Coming on the heels of a week or so of increasingly hellacious nights means it's part of a yo-yo pattern.  I doubt it's the beginning of a lasting window, but I took full advantage of it.  I had quality time with my husband at lunch and felt the ocean on my feet without discomfort -- both rare occurrences.  My daughter was at the first day of day camp.  So, not much time with her, but I helped her with her lanyard after camp, and I'll read to her tonight.

[Rosetta]

13 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

How about a big body pillow you can put between you, or a big stuffed animal she can hug?

 

Yes, good idea.  She will balk, but the end result will be more important.

[Rabe]

SO happy to hear you had a better night and day, Rosetta!  What a lovely day you described! ☺️

[Rosetta]

So . . . The night was hard, but easier than a few nights ago.  Cortisol spike at about 1:00 am or so - a milder one.  Heated my shoulder wrap a couple of times.  

 

I put pillows between myself and my daughter after she fell asleep.  It didn't help too much because instead of just squirming she cried out in anger.  She may have felt the pillows and been confused or it could have been a bad dream.  She cried out twice and the cat woke me from the window, too, but the spikes were mild or non-existent.  I lay awake a while after I shut the window thinking sad thoughts about the evil in the world.  I need to stop reading the news.  

 

I woke up up quite anxious, but I'm coping.  Onward.

[Songbird]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

So . . . The night was hard, but easier than a few nights ago.  

 

I'm glad it was a bit easier for you.  Your daughter might just need a little time to get used to the pillows.

 

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I need to stop reading the news.  

 

I gave up watching the news when in bad withdrawal.  I don't even watch it much now.  The negative stories have much more impact on us when our systems are so sensitive.

[Rosetta]

 

 

@Songbird So true, Songbird.  Thanks for your note.

 

Thanks to EVERYONE for looking in on me these past few days.

 

I did very little today but rest.  I did go with my husband to take my daughter to camp and pick her up.  I had breakfast out, but then just sat on the couch.  The anxiety eased at about 2:30.

 

I was able to help my daughter get started on a craft.

[Rosetta]

On June 18, 2018 at 8:24 AM, SkyBlue said:

Rosetta, sending you love and solidarity. You are loved and valued.

One of the mods w more knowledge will come by and make a recommendation. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. 

 

Thank you SkyBlue!!

[mirage]

@Rosetta I'm just now seeing all of this. I'm so sorry about the terribly rough time you have had, but am glad to see things have improved. Take it one day at a time. You are strong. 

 

Sending hugs!

[Rabe]

Thinking about you Rosetta.  Grateful to know your anxiety did ease in the afternoon...hoping calm sleep may be yours tonight and

that tomorrow is less anxious.  💜

[Rosetta]

17 hours ago, Rabe said:

Thinking about you Rosetta.  Grateful to know your anxiety did ease in the afternoon...hoping calm sleep may be yours tonight and

that tomorrow is less anxious.  💜

 

Thank you, Rabe.

 

Thank you @mirage

 

I'm sorry that I can't read your thread, mirage.  

 

I need to protect myself more than I have in the past.  This is all too much.  I live day and night in this world of WD.  It colors everything; it affects everyone I know; it feels as if there is nothing else.  I sometimes think everyone is either on ADs or benzos or Adderall or they are withdrawing or they have been switched or their doses cut too much.  I see the effects of these drugs in everything -- every person, every news article, everything.  It can't be true, but I must be making my own reality.  Could there be a barely perceptible tinge of DP or DR going on inside me?  This discomfort eases in the evenings, usually, and only then I realize that it was my constant companion.  Is it barely perceptible Akathisia?  Usually, the world looks so ugly and it FEELS so ugly.  Today it felt different than ugly.  It's not quite right, but it's not ugly.  I'm not sure it's normal.  What I don't know is whether I'm not sure because it isn't normal or because it's been too long since I felt normal.

 

So, I'm sorry everyone, but I'm going to avoid other threads today and just live.  I'm going to try to live as if this isn't happening to me for a while -- I'm not sure how long -- hours, a day, two days?

 

Journal:

 

Sleep was much better last night.  I woke up once, only once, in the night without a cortisol spike and went back to sleep easily.  This morning, I had a spike, but my heart did not hurt physically hurt, the way it does when I have a bad one.  I was very anxious this morning.  However, I had breakfast and went for a long walk on the beach.  Now, I'm sleepy.  

 

I'm seeing a pattern: the intense waves of anxiety day after day, night after night, leave me depleted, tired and sad.  The days I have less anxiety I can't do much because of the toll the anxiety has taken.  I go back and forth between these two states of being with an odd interval between them.  That interval is short, and I was in it yesterday and maybe today.  I'm sleepy during the day when that interval exists, I think - I'm not sure.  I'm not sure of anything.  Someday, this surreal existence will stop.  Someday . . .

[mirage]

@Rosetta I'm including you in my prayers. Live, one day at a time and do what you can manage. Good things will come to you. I'm finding this journey is very, very slow and goes up and down and 1 step forward and 5 back. However, one day, we will all be living happy and healthy and we will have learned so much. 

 

God Bless you Rosetta.

[Rosetta]

Thanks, mirage.

 

Akathisia most of the day.  Very irritable.  Had to stay home.  

[Cheeky]

Rosetta,

Sending you my love and just want you to know, your going to be alright and one day you will look back at this and realize how amazingly strong you are.

This torture will end it just takes time.

 

Huggs to you xoxoxoxoxo

 

P.S sorry I don't write much on your thread  as I'm not the best in writing

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @Cheeky. I need to hear that over and over.  I hope ou are doing ok, honey. -R

[wantrelief]

Ugh, so sorry you had such a hard day, Rosetta.  I don't know if you read Pug's latest update in the Success Stories but it is inspiring.  You too will be writing your success story.....you are going to be ok.  Thinking about you - WR.

[mirage]

@Rosetta Take the time you need when you need it and know that you will be able to do more soon. 

 

Sending hugs, prayers and good wishes for you. 

[Rosetta]

Thanks @wantrelief. I will read Pug's update.  

 

I took one ibuprophen tab to see if that will help me sleep tonight.

 

Last night, sleep was ok.  I heated my shoulder wrap once but had no problem going back to sleep.  

 

However, I woke up at 6:00 -- a new wave must have started then.  I'm not sure I slept again after that.  I lay there and worried.  All day I had akathisia.  

 

My friend brought her two boys over to visit.  They irritated me - they are 4 and 6.  They aren't nice to each other.  They touch everything; they break things, it's very hard to have them here, but I cancelled on her last week, and she's the most loyal friend I have.  She's so kind to me.  I don't want to neglect her just because her kids are annoying.  However, I found it very difficult to have them here -- even outside.  

 

The aka is in my arms, legs and my jaw and neck.  Ringing in my ears.  My mind is racing.

[Rosetta]

Aka hasn't let up.  It's been at least 24 hours with no break.  I'm having a hard time avoiding panic.  I had a break in the evening two evenings ago.

 

Sleep last night wasn't great, but I didn't have strong cortisol spikes.  The feeling of fear and intense anxiety never stopped and yet I slept.  I heated my shoulder wrap once.  

 

I'm trying to remember that this will stop at some point.  I'm trying not to spiral.  It's very difficult.  I want to die and yet, of course, I don't want that at all.  I want this feeling to stop.  That's what I want.  I can't believe there is nothing I can take.  

 

The last bout of aka and this one are the most intense I have had since November, I think.  

 

Moderators  Would taking Benadryl be an option or would that backfire?  I read that red wine helps some people with aka.  Is Benadryl a better option than trying wine?  I'm not sure how much more I can handle if I don't get relief today.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Rosetta--  I'm so sorry that you're having so much trouble right now. You've said yourself that it will get better, and it will, it's just a real trial getting through it.  Do what you can to try and relax, every little bit helps.

 

I would avoid the wine, alcohol is so unpredictable when one is in a bad wave.  The first time it may help calm things but the second could easily go the other way and make things a lot worse.

 

Your signature says you  occasionally took Unisom last year, how did it affect you when you did?  Unisom is just benadryl in a different package.  Other members have had a full range of responses to benadryl so it's really hard to give an exact answer.  You might try a site search to get some more information.  But I'd be careful with it also.

 

Brass

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hey @Rosetta, so so sorry to hear you are in the roughness with this crap. I have to keep reminding myself that I felt better last week (or sometime) and that I will again. From your thread, that seems true as well as there have been times when you've improved so much. One step forward, two back, and so on and so on. * As per Benadryl (did not know that Unisom was essentially that), I did use it this winter *occasionally* in the morning if my hands were shaking and sometimes to get to sleep. Was wary of it though as this site is against its use and it messes with histamines; stopped as soon as possible (a few months ago). If Unisom worked for you then maybe... gut feeling is to stay away from the alcohol. * Hope you feel better soon, so much.

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Brassmonkey.  It has been since before the New Year that I took Unisom.  It helped me sleep, and I had no anxiety upon awakening.  Instead, I felt groggy.  I don't know if using Unisom had negative effects last year or not because I was such a mess back then!!  I was having terrible, terrible aka until about the second week of December.  I honestly don't remember when I stopped using Unisom.  When I did use it, I took it once every two or three days.  What scares me is that using it will set my progress back or cause even a temporary bad experience.

 

Right now, I seem to be sleeping ok despite the aka.  Maybe I'm sleeping due to exhaustion.  Once the sun is down I am toast.  This morning, I was intensely anxious.  After I wrote the post I got my child ready for camp and went in the car with her.  We dropped her off and tried to get coffee, but the new coffee place was awful.  They roast their own beans, and they didn't roast these long enough.

 

My husband took me to breakfast somewhere else, and I broke down in tears in the place.  That fear and feeling of missing my child's life -- that feeling that I was in imminent danger of losing her became extremely intense.  I call that aka for lack of a better word -- it's accompanied by a physical feeling of electric vibration in my arms and legs and muscle tension in my neck and shoulders.  The riskRx website calls that aka, but I'm sure there should be a new name for it because most people would not find that definition.  As bad as I felt this morning, while in this restaurant it became its most intense.  It is perhaps a severe lack of GABA?  An extreme level of glutamate?  It would seem that Benadryl is the best antidote (besides time.)

 

After I cried I didn't feel better immediately.  It was about 20 minutes later that I felt somewhat better and about 2 hours or so when the aka calmed enough that I felt I could endure it.  

 

Thank you, too, @FarmGirlWorks. Yes, you are probably right.  

 

Now I feel back to WD normal.  I hope it lasts a while.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Im so sorry you have been going through such a hard time. Akathisia really is the worst withdrawal symptom ever. When it’s bad you just can’t settle. I crochet all day long just to get me through the day when it’s bad so that I don’t go nuts. I also watch one tv series after another. It takes me no time to get through a whole series. 

 

It must be hard having a young child and feeling like you’re missing out on her life. Sometimes we do need a good cry.  Im glad you found a nice friend, sorry the kids annoyed you though. 

 

I hope your WD normal lasts for a while too and you get a bit of reprieve.

 

Sending hugs🤗💚

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Carmie.

 

Tonight, I'm feeling ok.  Sad, but ok.