Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Carmie]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, Carmie.

 

Tonight, I'm feeling ok.  Sad, but ok.

 

Glad your feeling okay today, 

 

Yes, this definitely is a sad journey. We can just take each moment as it comes. Sometimes we have to submerge like a submarine when the waves are too severe, but that submarine always rises back to the surface again at some stage. While submerged we just have to keep distracting ourselves. 

 

Just take each moment as it as it comes and try and get through it, that’s all we can do. 

 

Sending you massive big hugs🤗🤗🤗

[Songbird]

 

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Would taking Benadryl be an option or would that backfire?  I read that red wine helps some people with aka.  Is Benadryl a better option than trying wine? 

 

I know that diphenhydramine (the drug in Unisom and Benadryl) is sometimes used by doctors to treat akathisia.  I don't have experience with it but there's a bit more info here: antihistamines for withdrawal insomnia diphenhydramine doxylamine hydroxyzine

 

I do have some experience with alcohol - in withdrawal it triggers anxiety for me.

[DMV64]

13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Sad, but ok.

I have this feeling alot. A kind of quiet sadness. I think it is almost like I miss myself.

[Rosetta]

10 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

I have this feeling alot. A kind of quiet sadness. I think it is almost like I miss myself.

 

Yes, I miss myself, and I miss being able to share myself with others.   Someday . . .

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Songbird.  I read through that, too.  Maybe next time I'll try it.

 

Last night was ok -- typical insomnia for a short while in the night.  I had to turn on the air conditioning and warm my shoulder wrap twice.  Overall, I slept well.  I had no cortisol spikes and I woke up with less anxiety.

 

There is still no Mother Nature, but I wonder if that bout with aka was initiated by a hormone change too slight to start the process.  However, it's very strange how I could have such intense aka when the hormones are less effective.  

 

(Thanks, Carmie.  I'm still avoiding threads.)

 

Everyone, I'm thinking of each of you even if I can't read threads.  

[jonnypeters1234567]

Well done for getting so far Rosetta. Do you still suffer from emotional blunting?

[Rosetta]

(Jonny, I answered on your thread.)

 

I wrote this synopsis of the first year of withdrawal for me:

 

I quit in mid-February after a fast taper, and WD wasn't terrible until July.  So, about 4 months passed before I was desperately ill.  There were many signs of WD in those months, but I had no idea WD could happen with ADs.  So, I believed for a long while that I had delayed WD.  I'm not sure about that now.  However, the first month or so was better than being on the medication or at least it seemed that way.  Then, I started to get dystonia and worsening anxiety as well as problems with my digestion, appetite, chills, sweats, and a lot of other strange symptoms that paraded through.   Most of them are intermittent and have become less severe.

 

The 5th month, July, was when I realized I was in trouble.  My mental health became steadily worse in August, September, and October. I understand now that worsening Akathisia was a major part of this ordeal.  Insomnia did not seem to be a huge issue, but I suspect that I had very little quality sleep.  By October I was experiencing DP, DR, and SI essentially everyday.  I had found SA in July, but my cognition was very poor, and I understood only the basics: time will heal, do not reinstate late, you are not psychotic, you are not bi-polar, just hold on for dear life until you want to live again -- it will happen!  

 

I could not even join the site because I was terrified of the people here -- even the moderators.  I was terrified of almost everything in life.  I still have no idea how I survived, but I have a child who was 5 when I quit ADs.  So, I gave SAs theories a chance for her.  

 

November, month 9, was the worst, and then I had a window in early December.  I started to see improvement after that.   It would be snatched away periodically, of course, but then a window would arrive.  The waves became a bit shorter and the windows a bit longer.  In mid-February, the one year point, I was still struggling with pretty severe anxiety off and on.  Now, I have Akathisia and severe anxiety occasionally such as once a week for a day or so.  Sometimes it's particularly bad, but usually it's not panic inducing.  Lately, it has been panic inducing.  I hope that's about to stop.

 

The dystonia continues to improve more and more with the end of every wave.  That's the symptom that consistently reminds me that I'm improving steadily.  The continuing resolution of dystonia gives me hope that all the other symptoms will resolve soon too.

 

Based on the rate of progress from December to February I'm surprised at how much trouble I'm having now.  But, this is not linear and the rate of change is not steady.

[Hazel]

5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

Yes, I miss myself, and I miss being able to share myself with others.   Someday . . .

I can totally relate to this Rosetta.  I really miss the easy way I could relate to others and really enjoy my time with them.

[Rabe]

I feel you share yourself far more than you feel you do Rosetta...you write beautiful, insightful, honest posts of your feelings and thoughts and hopes and fears.  I kind of feel this is like the runway for an airplane...we can share here because we are sharing with others who understand/  Once we get up to speed again we will fly and share ourselves more freely again....

You are most special!  Continue to take care of you...💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Hazel.  @Hazel I'm sorry you feel that.  It's very sad.  Someday we will feel completely normal. 

 

Rabe, thanks for always having something kind to say.  It is so important that we have others who understand.  I could not go through this without that.  I feel so odd and uncomfortable as it is, and to know this is common for others and will pass is keeping me going.

 

Journal: 

Yesterday, I was quite anxious until about 1:00.  I took a shower at 12:30, and that relaxed me some.  We went to my mother in laws.  It was cold there because of a storm off the coast.  So, I was inside all day.  At my house it was a beautiful sunny day, but oh well.  I had dinner with my mother in law while my husband went to play music with some friends and then my daughter and drove home alone.  

 

My sleep last night was ok.  Typical wake up at about 12:30.  I had a slight spike because I had not heard my husband come home, but once I found he was there the anxiety dissipated, and I fell asleep again.  I heated my wrap only twice.  I was enjoying the breeze coming through the window and the sounds of the night so I didn't close the window or draw the blind.  I woke up with tension in my right shoulder and neck due to the light and the crows' incessant cawing.  Yet, I had no cortisol spike.  

 

Today, I feel anxious, sad, etc., etc.. Same old same old.  Trying to ignore it.  House a mess.  Afraid to try to fix it, blah, blah, blah.  I keep thinking: I'm just going to tackle a corner, throw some things away, pack things up for Goodwill, etc.. Someday, I will.  Eventually, I will be able to make a difference here.  

 

I guess I'm in the trough of depression that seems to arrive after a bad anxiety/aka wave.

[Songbird]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I keep thinking: I'm just going to tackle a corner, throw some things away, pack things up for Goodwill, etc.. Someday, I will.  Eventually, I will be able to make a difference here.  

 

 

This is so me!  My bedroom was starting to look like an episode of "Hoarders".  The other day I spent a small fortune on baskets so I could make it at least look tidy.  I haven't actually dealt with most of the stuff, just stuffed it into baskets, but at least the room looks a bit better.  On days when I have more energy I sometimes manage to work on a small corner.  Eventually you will too.  I've found it best to just listen to my body and what it wants to do.  If it wants to rest, I rest.  If I have energy and motivation I try to get a bit of something done.

[Rabe]

Thinking bout you Rosetta! 💜

[Rabe]

I need to get better at that Songbird...listening to my body....resting when need to and doing more when can.  What I am realizing is that I crash and wonder why...but if I look back it was coming and I was ignoring it.  Thanks for those thoughts!

[Rabe]

@Songbird

I need to get better at that Songbird...listening to my body....resting when need to and doing more when can.  What I am realizing is that I crash and wonder why...but if I look back it was coming and I was ignoring it.  Thanks for those thoughts!

[jonnypeters1234567]

On 24 June 2018 at 7:57 PM, Rosetta said:

Thank you, Hazel.  @Hazel I'm sorry you feel that.  It's very sad.  Someday we will feel completely normal. 

 

Rabe, thanks for always having something kind to say.  It is so important that we have others who understand.  I could not go through this without that.  I feel so odd and uncomfortable as it is, and to know this is common for others and will pass is keeping me going.

 

Journal: 

Yesterday, I was quite anxious until about 1:00.  I took a shower at 12:30, and that relaxed me some.  We went to my mother in laws.  It was cold there because of a storm off the coast.  So, I was inside all day.  At my house it was a beautiful sunny day, but oh well.  I had dinner with my mother in law while my husband went to play music with some friends and then my daughter and drove home alone.  

 

My sleep last night was ok.  Typical wake up at about 12:30.  I had a slight spike because I had not heard my husband come home, but once I found he was there the anxiety dissipated, and I fell asleep again.  I heated my wrap only twice.  I was enjoying the breeze coming through the window and the sounds of the night so I didn't close the window or draw the blind.  I woke up with tension in my right shoulder and neck due to the light and the crows' incessant cawing.  Yet, I had no cortisol spike.  

 

Today, I feel anxious, sad, etc., etc.. Same old same old.  Trying to ignore it.  House a mess.  Afraid to try to fix it, blah, blah, blah.  I keep thinking: I'm just going to tackle a corner, throw some things away, pack things up for Goodwill, etc.. Someday, I will.  Eventually, I will be able to make a difference here.  

 

I guess I'm in the trough of depression that seems to arrive after a bad anxiety/aka wave.

Keep moving forward Rosetta, you are doing fantastic

 

 

[LexAnger]

Dear rosseta, 

 

Thinking of you!

 

When I'm in depth of not able to do what I want to, I try to think of a saying from one of our members here after full recovery  (DLB is the username I think, who recovered fully round 1-2 yrs after a slow taper), "if you can allow yourself be in a mess for a while". 

 

I know it's hard for the while being so long, but one day after another, you are making it closer. 

 

Much love,lots hugs,

Lex 

[Rosetta]

I have time to journal only, but I'm thinking of you all, and I appreciate your words of encouragement so very much.

 

Journal:

 

Today was ok.  It was not miserable at all.  I woke up feeling relatively normal.  I went to drop off my child, for breakfast and for a long walk on the beach.  In the afternoon I was sleepy.  I did almost nothing productive today except allow myself to be "in a mess for a while."  I had what I would call a normal level of anxiety today considering the state of my life.  That's a good thing, I think.  I felt many instances of sadness and depression which were also at a normal level for the circumstances.  

 

I feel quite a bit of fear tonight as I know these lulls in the storm mean things will get worse, but I'm going to try to have hope that "worse" won't be as bad as Friday!  (Today is Monday).

[RealMe]

On 6/24/2018 at 12:57 PM, Rosetta said:

I'm just going to tackle a corner, throw some things away, pack things up for Goodwill, etc.. Someday, I will.

Hi Rosetta,

I think I may have been in a spot similar to what you are talking about.  I would try to go through just a few things but would end up going down memory lane.  It was as if I threw something away, I would be throwing away an important memory or part of myself forever.  Eventually, somehow I did manage to tell myself, just give away one thing, just one thing.  At first I couldn't even do that, but I kept trying until I finally did it.  It was an old, broken Christmas ornament!  And it was hard to do it.  When my first child was little, I spent hours picking up little toy pieces and putting them in their boxes as if they were worth thousands of dollars.  I could waste money and time,

but not memories.  She was all grown up with children of her own before I could get rid of her stuffed animals.  Even the poor boxes said, "no stuffed animals please."  I believe it when you say "Someday, I will." I don't think I can do certain things until I'm ready.

 

I'm glad you took a nice walk on the beach.  Some days I consider it an accomplishment if I just make my bed and take a shower.  Some days, I just make the bed, and that has to be enough.

 

Healing thoughts and hugs,

xo RM

 

[jonnypeters1234567]

Don't put too much pressure on yourself Rosetta. Patience is key

 

Can anyone relate to feeling in limbo, like half in reallity and half not?

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thank you @RealMe Thank you @jonnypeters1234567

 

Journal:

 

I was ok again today.  So that's three days of the symptoms being somewhat bearable.  I can feel my jaw tightening.  That makes me scared that the aka will come back.  Other than that today has been ok.  I'm uncomfortable, frequently anxious, nervous, sad.  

 

Sleep last night was all right until 5:30 am.  I dozed only after that and not much.  Another thing that makes me nervous about having another bad experience.  I'm trying to keep the magnesium doses consistent even though they cause me problems in the bathroom.  It's a trade off perhaps.  I'm wondering if each time that side effect annoys me and I miss a dose of magnesium I'm risky a bad stint with aka?

 

For those of you who watch Netflix, I have been enjoying the 3rd season of the Great British Baking Show.  (It's called the Great British Bake Off in the U.K.). It's a really a nice show.  There is no ugliness as there is in many reality shows.  No drama, no personal problems, no cruel judges.  They just bake, and judges are respectful and kind.  The male judge is clearly an arrogant jerk, but he keeps that flaw out of the mix for the most part.  Seasons 1-6 have the original cast, and I think I'll watch as many as I can.  One through four are on Netflix right now.  

[Songbird]

I've seen the Great British Bake Off a few times.  I love nice TV shows.

[Rabe]

3 days in a row!!!  You're on a roll...it's a trend...its wonderful to hear!!  💜

[LexAnger]

Very happy for the well deserved break, even it's partial! 

 

Sign of true healing is so encouraging. It promotes more positivity for even more speedy healing! 

 

Being able to enjoy the show is a great distraction from worries about wd and waves. Hope the rest seasons catch up before you are done watching the 4th season. 

 

I will check it out too see it can occupy my very obsessive mind on the back damage.

 

Wishing you a even better day, rosseta! You are an inspiration!

 

Love and hugs!

Lex

 

[Rosetta]

@Rabe @LexAnger Thank you for stopping by.  The downside to the show is that it makes one crave sweets something terrible!

 

Today was a window.  I'm very conflicted about that.  I used to be happy about Windows and they gave me hope, but now I'm afraid of having them as I'm afraid of the inevitable wave being a bad one.

 

I went for a walk by a stream that I didn't know existed.  It was very nice.  So few canyons are left around here, but this one has a shocking amount of water flowing in it.  Much more than in the creek near my house.  A lot of the trail was shaded, too.  Really amazing.

 

I had a hot dog with my dinner in the hope that I can avoid any problems from low blood sugar tonight.

 

Sleep last night was fine.  I didn't need to heat my shoulder wrap in order to go back to sleep, and I had no cortisol spikes.

 

Now to take magnesium and go to bed.  I will have to try to control fear of fear as I'm unable to stop thinking of a window as a harbinger of bad waves.

 

(I must find a way to stop reading the news.  It's terrible for me, and there's no hope that it will get better.  I need AA for news addicts, and that's no joke.  Justice Kennedy announced his retirement today after concurring in a series of decisions that will drive the U.S. deeper into a state that is not good for those who need medical doctors with independence and heart.)

[Carmie]

I’m glad you had a window Rosetta, 

 

I hope it doesn’t close too soon, but when it does remember there’s always another one around the corner. 

 

Im so glad you came across a stream, there’s nothing better in nature than the sound of water. On Monday I went to a parkland and a Botanic garden. The sounds of waterfalls is so beautiful and there was a lake and a river as well. My favourite place is anywhere near water. I would be in my element if I lived near the beach, I’d be down there all the time. 

 

Yep, fear of fear is a horrible feeling, I’ve certainly been there. I’ve learnt to just stay in the minute I’m in otherwise it can get extremely overwhelming. I hope you settle and have a good night’s sleep. 

 

I don’t watch the news, I don’t actually watch tv, only DVDs and Netflix. I don’t think watching the news is good for us when we’re sick. I don’t know why but I find tv really annoying, I don’t know if it’s the commercial or what?? I prefer being in control of what I watch. 

 

On social media I just follow pages that tell me what concerts and fun things are happening near where I live, so even then I hardly get any news coming through. I love photography so I follow some photography pages, they give me ideas. I love Pinterest, also lots of fun ideas for crafts, get togethers etc. I try to keep everything positive that I watch. This withdrawal journey is hard enough, I can do without all the negativity around me. 

 

Take care💚💚💚

[LexAnger]

That was so beautiful the walk you took along the stream! 

 

It's your turning point and very likely a milestone, rossata! Believe it continues and will be followed by many more until.the final wide open land, free of pain and full of peace and happiness! 

 

Mind has a magical way to connect with the body. I am in the biggest time lately with negative thoughts.  Changing channels with minndfulness helped quite a bit.

 

More Healing is on your way!!!!!!!

Hold on to the good Windows!

 

Love

Lex

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

Hi Rosetta - I wanted to stop by to let you know I am thinking about you.  Lots of hugs - WR.

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Carmie @wantrelief And @LexAnger. Oh, I hope you are right, LexAnger.  I am so ready for a turning point!!  As I am sure you are, too, only moreso.

 

Today, I went back to the stream and hiked for 5 miles.  It was all flat. That's the longest walk I've taken since I quit Citalopram.  I got a lot of sun today.  I think I ate well. Plenty of protein.  

 

I'm still afraid to go to sleep.  I had a cortisol spike about 1:30 am and another at 4:00 am.  This morning, I had another mild one, and I was very anxious, but I went on with my day. I used EFT this morning to calm myself, and it worked!

 

Time for bed.

[Rabe]

SO glad to hear your still racking up the days in the window! 💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you @Rabe. You are always there for me.  I really look forward to seeing your symbol.

 

Last night there may have been a mild cortisol spike.  I'm not sure.  I had a cheese stick when I woke up in the night because I didn't have much protein for dinner.  The dystonia came back in the night and hasn't left yet.  It's not bad, but quite annoying -  eye, face, jaw, neck, hip, fingers, arm, toes and foot.   slept ok, and didn't have a lot of anxiety in the night, but I was very anxious this morning.  It was hard to get my daughter ready for camp.  I was irritable.  Now, I'm less anxious, but I'm off to pick her up -- alone.  I'm a bit sick to my stomachabout that.  I don't like driving.  

[Waterfall]

Thinking of you, Rosetta.  

[Rabe]

Im sorry Rosetta.  I dont like driving either...I hope it went ok!!!  And hope your muscles are better!  Take care!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Rabe @Waterfall  Nothing bad happened.

 

Last night's sleep was fine.  I heated the shoulder wrap once.  I had a very bad moment of abject despair, but I woke up ok.  There were probably 2-3 mild cortisol spikes.  Today, I woke up feeling normal.  I want to take my daughter to the fair.  It's our last chance this year.  So, I'm very stressed and crying.  Oh, joy.  This is so damn ridiculous!!

[Rabe]

Wow...if this is a window it is a very nice size one indeed!!!  Yay!!!  

 

Have fun at the fair!  I used to love that with my kids...well may be love is a bit exaggerated but

it was fun!  

 

"This is damn ridiculous!!!"...now that is NOT an exaggeration!!!  My sentiments exactly!!!  UGH!!!

But I laughed right out loud!!!  Thanks!!! Ill be anxious to hear how fair goes...

[wantrelief]

Damn ridiculous, indeed!  Waking up feeling normal sounds wonderful.  Thinking about you - WR.

[Waterfall]

I'm sorry that you were stressed and crying. 

I'm glad that nothing bad happened.  I hope something good did.  

I am also glad that you are in a window. 

Heating up your wrap only once is pretty good, from what I remember!

Waking up feeling normal must be a wonderful feeling too!

Despair, not so nice, though.  

 

Sometimes I am discouraged, knowing how far

ahead of me you are, and still struggling so much.  

Other times, I am encouraged, knowing how much

better than me, you are doing, and I look forward

to being at that point some day. 

I hope that in a while. we are all doing better still, 

and can be encouraged by all the progress we see. 

It's nice that when we can't see our own progress, 

that we can see the progress of others before us, 

like Pug.

He has seen the waterfall. You have seen a glimpse

of the stream below the waterfall.  I will trust you

both, and look forward to my glimpse of something

as well.