Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta did you have windows in the beginning? I do have times where rhings aren't so severe and it seems to be gradually slowly gettinf better im greatful for that. Yes remembering a window in a wave is the hardest too do im glad your able to im praying that starts to come for me. I wasnt on meds long at all and at the lowest dose so im hoping that helps too? Who knows. 

[Rosetta]

I don't really know what happened in the beginning as I was unaware of this WD syndrome at the time.  I quit the AD in mid-Feb 2017, and I discovered that WD existed in July or August.  So, for 5-6 months I didn't know what was happening.  I was having horrible cortisol spikes at 5:00 or 5:30 am and I could not sleep again afterward.  I didn't really sleep deeply either for months.  My arm and face started tingling and going numb.  I lost the ability to concentrate, to think, to plan.  I got much worse through Sept, Oct and Nov.. When the cooler months came around I had started jogging every morning to relieve the anxiety without knowing that if one has a morning cortisol issue vigorous exercise can exacerbate the problem.  My theory is that that is why I got so much worse.  Eventually I read on SA about the need for gentle exercise like walking but to avoid vigorous effort.  After I quit jogging, I started getting better.  My symptoms got better in December, and I felt emotionally strong enough to join SA at the end of the month.  I don't know when my first window was, but it might be in my thread.  It's possible I didn't even recognize it as a window at the time.  

 

I'm sorry that your doctors switched you cold from sertraline to Zyprexa.  What a mistake.  You needed to have sertraline again.  I wonder if that will ever be understood by the medical community.  You might get well quick.  People do.  (It's very irritating to me that some people never get WD or get well quickly because that seems to be part of the reason doctors are not coming to realize the danger of these drugs, but I do hope you have a shorter WD, of course.)

[RusTW]

 Hi Rosetta sorry you had such a bad night last night. I hope you feel better today.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta thats what happens with most, they do fine for the first few months and then it hits out of no where, I know many people like that. Mine didnt, mine started the moment i took the last little bit of the zoloft. I then reinstated and got worse. I ended up in the pysch ward and thats where they ct me and put me on zyprexa but i was only on 10days before i tapered for 5 weeks. Im really praying things continue to gradually get better im glad to see that your symptoms got better as time went on as well. 

[Rosetta]

I think that if people knew what to look for they would see that symptoms come on earlier than they thought they had.  I think that I didn't know WD was causing a lot of different symptoms -- all symptoms of a destabilized nervous system.  The most obvious symptom was anxiety.  That kept increasing, and I kept attributing it to circumstances in my life.  I really believed that things other people were doing were irritating me.  They were, of course, but not to the extent they should have.  I became extremely sensitive.  When things people did started to scare me I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  

 

Of course, every time I took Xanax my condition got worse.  Then, Trazodone helped me sleep but further injured my system.  This is an incredibly insidious syndrome.  

 

Everyone here is lucky to have discovered that what we are feeling and thinking can't be attributed to the real world, at least not to the extent that we experience the effects.  I still marvel sometimes at the fact that I am here, alive.  I read here about DP and DR and SI before those feelings happened to me.  I wish I had understood about the vigorous exercise issue and avoided a lot of those experiences all together, of course!!  It's absurd isn't it?  I drug that is suppose to help one's mental health that instead makes exercise such a dangerous thing that it causes SI?  It's unbelievably Frankenstein-ish.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta i totally agree.  There isnt enough information out and so many people are suffering :(. These medications are so dangerous I will never touch another ever again. The SI is absolutely horrible the depression is extremely scary and the akasthsia I had? With urges to kill myself has been horrific. Im so greatful that atleast I know whats going on you know? I cant imagine how many people dont know and end up not being here anymore :(. HHow long after your CT did you take xanax and trazadone? Are u on anything still? Ugh im sorry your going through this too. 

[BAT]

How long did you take xanax and at what mg?

[wantrelief]

44 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

It's unbelievably Frankenstein-ish

So true, Rosetta.  I feel like I now know what it feels like to be "mentally ill" as I've experienced things now and through the years I never did prior to taking medications.

[RusTW]

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I think that if people knew what to look for they would see that symptoms come on earlier than they thought they had.  I think that I didn't know WD was causing a lot of different symptoms -- all symptoms of a destabilized nervous system.  The most obvious symptom was anxiety.  That kept increasing, and I kept attributing it to circumstances in my life.  I really believed that things other people were doing were irritating me.  They were, of course, but not to the extent they should have.  I became extremely sensitive.  When things people did started to scare me I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  

 

Of course, every time I took Xanax my condition got worse.  Then, Trazodone helped me sleep but further injured my system.  This is an incredibly insidious syndrome.  

 

Everyone here is lucky to have discovered that what we are feeling and thinking can't be attributed to the real world, at least not to the extent that we experience the effects.  I still marvel sometimes at the fact that I am here, alive.  I read here about DP and DR and SI before those feelings happened to me.  I wish I had understood about the vigorous exercise issue and avoided a lot of those experiences all together, of course!!  It's absurd isn't it?  I drug that is suppose to help one's mental health that instead makes exercise such a dangerous thing that it causes SI?  It's unbelievably Frankenstein-ish.

I agree with too much exercise as far as worsoning symptoms.Less is better.If you do too much one day and don't sleep well that night you set yourself up for the next day to be out of it with withdrawals.You have to monitor your physical output closely.

[direstraits]

15 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 This is an incredibly insidious syndrome

yes,this is a very insightful observation,Rosetta.

 

Ilook back now and realize I was probably suffering WD symptoms but attributed it to something wrong with me and that I needed to be on meds,going on and off til finally being hit with severe symptoms and thanks to this site finally realized what was happening to me.

 

I think you're doing a wonderful job with your daughter,try not to beat yourself up ...I can't imagine dealing with a young child while going through this,it's hard enough dealing with my 6 year old grandson at times!

 

sending you strength and healing vibes.

 

hugs,ds

[RusTW]

Hi Rosetta how are you feeling today

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta hope your having a better day. 

[Rabe]

@Rosetta I wish I had understood about the vigorous exercise issue and avoided a lot of those experiences all together, of course!!  It's absurd isn't it?  I drug that is suppose to help one's mental health that instead makes exercise such a dangerous thing that it causes SI?  It's unbelievably Frankenstein-ish.

 

Can you explain that Rosetta?  I am realizing that I feel awful and have a good day and get out and lift weights and walk and run bunch errands etc etc and then next day I feel horrible again..or a couple days later.  

 

I have been thinking about you lots and hoping last night and today have been better for you in so many ways!! 💜

[Rosetta]

There is only time for a quick journal entry.

 

The Akathisia that was building yesterday lessened after I went for a walk on the beach.  Sleep last night was a bit better.  I got up on time and got my daughter to the pick up location on time.  Then I walked on the beach where I dropped by husband phone in the surf without realizing it for 10 minutes.  It's gone.  That's been very, very upsetting, of course, but it was old and needed to be replaced.  I'm glad it wasn't a new phone!

 

Its been a busy day, and I'm ready to be asleep, but my body isn't.  I had to wash my daughter's hair, and I'll have to every night this week. She's playing in the ocean each day which is absolutely full of seaweed that was kicked up by a storm.  I hope I sleep well and wake feeling somewhat well. 

[RusTW]

 hi Rosetta I was just checking in with you to see how you were today. Looks like you had a busy day yesterday.

[Rosetta]

Hi, Rus, Rabe, Elyssa, Direstraits, BAT,

 

Thank you for your posts.

 

I'm still in a wave.  My husband keeps reminding me that as anxious as I feel, I am definitely doing better than in the recent past.  It's been a hard day.  Anxiety did not release me until after 6:30 pm.  It was another bath night for the kiddo.  She had a white mask all along her hairline made of sunscreen and sand.

 

I have had poor sleep the last 3 nights.  I went for a long walk today.  I'm surprised how long the anxiety is hanging around today, but there's been a little stress.  There was a lot to do today, and my husband was stressed.  After a long day yesterday, today was too much.  We were out all day until 5:30.  Too long.

 

The cortisol spikes have been coming in the middle of the night 2-3 times for at least 3 nights now, and I wake up quite anxious.  I'm exhausted.  I worry so much in the night -- about wildfires, about my daughter, about being able to provide for her, about losing my husband, about getting cancer or having a terrible wreck.  It just goes on and on.  I'm awake, but it's like a very realistic dream.  I cry in the middle of the night and when I wake up.  The crying feels more natural than in the past.  I think it's because it's caused by Intense emotional symptoms instead of Akathisia.  I have had very little Akathisia the last few days.

 

Today, the worrying went on all day.  I'm so terrified I will end up losing my husband and be unable to work to care for my daughter.  I have cried twice today over that.  I would not have had a child if I had known I would be unable to work.  I really wouldn't have.  The reason I waited so long to have her was because I didn't want to be depending on someone else to bring in the income.

 

There is something very wrong with my neurotransmitters at night and even in the day  -- this intense anxiety is much, much different that the regular depression I had before meds.  I really feel that I'm living these tragedies.  At night, I want to turn on the light and have the "monsters" melt away.  Should I turn on the light?  Would that help snap me out of it?  It hurts my eyes a lot when I have to turn it on.  I'm so sensitive to light.  I don't want to be awake for hours.  So, I keep it off, but the darkness makes the waking nightmare seem all the more scary.

 

@BAT I took Xanax very intermittently for a few months at the end right before quitting Zoloft.  I was aware it was horribly addictive, so I spaced it out at least 3 days almost every time I used it.  It had a paradoxical effect in that as it wore off I became very irritable and angry.  So, I just quit using it.  Life was better with anxiety by itself rather than sleepiness followed by anger a few hours later.

 

@direstraits Thank you.  It is unbelievably hard to do this with a child.  Thanks for your compliment.  I have to hope I'm doing well enough that she'll be ok.  It's hard to know.  I'm sorry you were struggling for so long before you discovered the reason.  How many people are now or will be in that position??!!

 

 

[Rosetta]

@Rabe

 

Exercise increases cortisol.  So, when I woke up with a cortisol spike and jogged to get relief, I had relief for a while during the jog and a while after, but my cortisol would rise for hours afterward.  I had such intense anxiety I would literally scream and cry.  I wanted to tear my arms off.  I think Akathisia was the cause, and I really don't know if the exercise caused the symptoms to be so severe or whether the CT was the reason.  Maybe the Trazodone kindled me so much that I had these particularly episodes?  (I felt such guilt for scaring my daughter.  My husband would scoop her up and whisk her away.  I was utterly alone and that period of time is what Im referring to when I say that I really can't believe I have survived.  SI doesn't really describe the feeling I had.  It was some thing beyond SI.  I felt that I wanted the whole world to end as I had the conviction that no one in the world was safe from this horror.  I don't know if the exercise was the only cause of that Akathisia, but stopping the exercise was followed by the symptoms becoming bearable.  I have never tried to do more than walk again.  Can that experience tell you anything about your cause and effect, Rabe?  Maybe.  A lot of people think that having a busy day is a recipe for an increase in symptoms.  

[FarmGirlWorks]

((((((((( 💙 )))))))))

[jonnypeters1234567]

Hi Rosetta the only things that seems to stop the akathisia coming on full force for me is to rest, no physical exercise. Also vitamin b6 seems to help. I can normally feel the akathisia building the night before and then I wake with it. I hope you geyou t some relief soon.

 

Did you get you have bad symptons around the 12 month mark?

 

 

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...gosh I am so so sorry about the flood of emotions and thoughts that you are dealing with!  I just shake my head in sadness and disbelief over the results of these meds.  

I is hard to feel all the fears, especially that of abandonment and loss....the fear of doing this alone is overwhelming to me...but the thought of doing it alone with no support at all is beyond that.  I can understand how those kind of worries would cause such anxiety and agitation.  

Know I am thinking about you and hoping that soon this wave will also recede....hugs and prayers!!!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you @FarmGirlWorks.  You are so sweet and caring.

 

I am better today.  I've had 4 days of walking and being out in the sunlight.  It makes such a difference.  

 

Everything is still a mess, but I'm less bothered by it.  I didn't suffer through the night nearly as much as the night before. I didn't have dystonia either!!  I feel the dystonia coming back tonight.  I am wondering if it is an either/or type of thing -- dystonia or emotional upheaval and just a bit of relief from both in between.  Dystonia only happens on the right side and Akathisia is all across my neck and shoulders, but the right side is a bit worse.  The emotional stuff is different when Akathisia is present or maybe it's just more severe.  I have no Akathisia right now, and I don't think I have had it the past few days, but the emotional despair was there.  

 

Well, what difference does it make if I knew the pattern?  None.  I'm just glad to have had a break today.  I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I can do to make the Windows last longer, of course.  Being a CT I can't hold to make that happen.  So, maybe that's why I'm analyzing the different types of emotional despair and the relationship with dystonia and Akathisia.  Maybe what I eat has an impact?  It might make sense to keep a food diary again.

[wantrelief]

I am so glad you got a break today, Rosetta!

[Rosetta]

@jonnypeters1234567 I did get worse symptoms sometime between the 12 month mark and the 17 month mark.  I think that the wave started around month 13 or 14.  It's in my thread, and it lasted a long time with many one or two day Windows.  Then, I finally had my first longer window in month 15 or 16.  There was a bad wave during the 11th month, too.  That was horrid.  I think that was in January or February.  (Mid -February is my anniversary of CT.)

[Rosetta]

Thank you @wantrelief!!

 

Thank you @Rabe.  How awful are these drugs?!  I never, ever felt this bad before these drug.  I almost laugh when I think about the emotional turmoil that drove me to take these damn pills.  That was child's play!

[direstraits]

3 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

  I almost laugh when I think about the emotional turmoil that drove me to take these damn pills.  That was child's play!

AMEN!!

xx

[RusTW]

Rosetta. I just wanted to wish you a good day today I hope you're feeling okay.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta just checking in! Hope today is a better day💓

[Rosetta]

@RusTW @Elyssa143. Thank you.  It was a pretty good day.  

 

I woke up today as I did yesterday -- with a cortisol spike and the attendant anxiety.  This morning I felt stressed about my messy house.  I realized later in the day that it was the 7th anniversary of my grandfather's death last week.  I was thinking of him, and my grandmother who died 20 years ago, a lot last week, but I don't look at a calendar every day.  I really don't know what day it is other than Monday or so on.  Today's anxiety was more focused on the future than the past.

 

I had some dystonia in the night, but it wasn't too bad.  It didn't come back until I started to read here.

 

I went for a long walk today.  Then, I did something I haven't done in at least 2 years -- I swam in the ocean!!!  I have been too anxious to do that even once the last two summers!!!  It was amazing.  It could have been a disaster as I touched a jelly fish or some kind of transparent fish, but it happened to be the kind that doesn't sting. Whew!

 

We have decided that my daughter will go to camp next week.  I wanted her home with me for a week in between each camp, but every time we have one of those weeks my symptoms get worse.  That makes me so sad, but the time I spend with her is better when I have my exercise and she has her exercise and time with other kids.  I realize now that it's not how much time I spend with her, but the change in my sleep patterns and routine when we have "leisurely" mornings for a whole week. There's no such thing as leisurely for me right now.  I need to get up and move every morning in order to stay sane.  I need a strict routine, and I can't make myself follow one without an outside structure right now.  Getting my daughter to camp every morning gives me that structure. I'll have to take her out one day in order to spend time with her.

 

Being at home is so toxic for me.  How sad.  I feel better when I'm out most of the day.  That has never been my personality.  I have always loved being at home and felt so relaxed there.  Now that I can't relax, I can't be at home.  Very frustrating.

 

 

 

 

[RusTW]

That's so great you went swimming.I'm happy for you.Its good your walking too.I am the same about staying away from the house.I always feel worse at home.During my windows later in the night I watch utube videos its the only time I'm comfortable at home.I miss that too being ok at home in the day.Someday☺we can.good hearing from ya.Hope ya sleep well.   Rus

[wantrelief]

That is so cool you swam in the ocean when you haven't been able to do that for the last two summers. What a great way to be able to see how you are healing! 

[Rabe]

Swimming in the ocean!!!  WOW Rosetta!  How fabulous is that???  I feel so proud for you for taking that risk....such a huge step!!  Water is so healing!

 

For me, I have found that my mind and my home were very connected.  My home was my safe place, my place to come and destress and feel protected.  It was always clean with everything in its place...unless I was in the midst of the holidays or a craft project or something.  I used to vacuum every night when my ex husband was still there...less so when he left...because just the lines of the vacuum I could look at made me feel calmer and safer.  It was like if what I was looking at was in order, then I was in order...my life was in order....but wasn't the case really.  Dont know if that helps you at all...but wanted to share. 

 

I think what you said about you, your daughter, and camp is true...and I think its great you made that decision that will be best for all of you, though perhaps difficult.  

 

Think about you so often!!  💜

[RusTW]

Hi Rosetta -how's it going.

[Rosetta]

Hi, Rus, I read your thread.  You have a good attitude for dealing with this mess.

 

Journal:

 

Last night I slept well.  No dystonia.  Not much worrying.  The period of time I was awake in the night was quite short.  It all felt so normal.  I had a dream about dinosaurs.  It was kind like Jurassic Park, but we were underground.  I was about to see a dinosaur when I woke up.  

 

I had no cortisol spike when I woke up.  The morning was hurried and frustrating.  We were late, and I kept forgetting things.  

 

Took a very long walk on the beach.  Got over tired and dehydrated.  I had plenty of water for a normal day, but my body needed more.  

 

When I picked up my daughter I was feeling bad.  Then I was irritated because she lost her shorts today.  I drank a lot of water and some milk.  When we got home, I lay down and fell asleep around 5:30 or 6:00.  I had cortisol spikes and bad dreams over and over for about 20 minutes.  Toxic nap!  After I woke up I was scared.  I was afraid a bad wave was coming on.  Now, I'm hoping it was just the nap, and that I'll be ok.

 

 

[Rabe]

How lovely, Rosetta, that you were with the water again today...must be soothing.  I dont walk at all in the heat anymore...The heat and sun make a huge difference since my rapid taper last Sept and I find trying to catch up with the fluids and all is a challenge...its like once things are thrown off it is difficult to quickly correct them. I just took a walk and it is dark and cooler...did sit outside today but in shade.  And I find when not well hydrated I get more irritable, more anxious, it affects my brain as well.  Just wanting to share cause wish for you to be careful in the heat as it has affected you before and it can cause all sorts of weird stuff.  Thinking about you Rosetta!  Hope you sleep well!💜

[RusTW]

Good to know last night was good for ya.It sounds like you got good rest. The toxic naps is what I'm trying to avoid I keep trying to take naps but I'm scared of exactly what you're talking about. I find myself drifting a little bit into sleep as I try to nap. fear keeps me awake because I don't want to wake up with bad wave hitting me unexpectedly or anxiety. Have a good rest tonight I hope you sleep well.

[Rosetta]

Thank you @Rabe I'm afraid of how I will wake up.  I need to get some dinner going.  I hope you sleep well, too.