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Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017


Rosetta

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Great news! Hope it keeps right on going! xoxox

2001- Klonopin 0.125 mg.  2011- increase to 1 mg.  2018- increase to 1.5 mg 

2010- Trials of SSRI's, several.

2011- Saphris 5 mg. CT. 6/2017- retry Saphris 5 mg sublingual, begin taper August 2020 10% taper with scale, and final taper liquid sublingual, August 2019- taper complete!

2011- Geodon 20 mg. Begin taper Sept 2019. 10% liquid taper. 2020: December-5 mg. 2021: Jan-4.5mg. (held Feb.for vacation). March-4mg. Apr-3.6mg. May-3.2mg. June-2.8mg. (Held July for vacation). Aug-2.4mg. Sept.- 2.2mg. Oct. 2mg. Dec 2022 - Taper complete!

2011- Gabapentin 300 mg to present- 2020. Increase 2023 to 400mg.

2014- Vyvanse 20 mg, 2020- Vyvanse 5 mg. Increase August 2022 20mg

2016- Lithium 300 mg, June 2016 - FT.

2017- Cogentin 0.5 mg. June-August 2019- off Cogentin.

2021 - Hydroxyzine 30mg. Holding.

Omeprazole 20 mg and holding, Omega 3's/fish oil, Magnesium

 

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Hi Rosetta  I'm glad you're doing better today I was hoping for that. I'm always thinking about you down in Southern California . that used to be my home also for 22 years. Always visualize you at the beach in the future with no symptoms and your kind of laughing to yourself about W/D being in the past. someday that'll be true. That makes me feel better knowing that you feel better today thanks for stopping in with your support.

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

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Oh Rosetta I am so so relieved for you!  Such a lovely post that was to read...happiness is! 

I love the name Emma!!!  Beautiful!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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I am so glad today was a better day, Rosetta - yay!  I love the name Emma as well. 🙂

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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Glad you had a better day.  May there be more.  You are a trojan.

 

Neroli 💜

2006 Citalopram 20mg on and off to 2013.  April 2013 - July 2014  Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Fluoxetine, Mirtazapine v. bad reactions. July 2014 - CT Mirtazapine.  July 2014 - February 2016 Medication free, long term w/d.  February - July 2016 Fluoxetine.  Medication free, long term w/d syndrome.  2017 Jan physical breakdown.

2017 February - March Escitalopram, Nortriptyline instated.  Lorazepam, Zopiclone PRN.  April 2017 Lithium Carbonate 250mg 1 wk. 14 August 2017 finish cross to Diazepam 22.5mg daily, stop Zopiclone

Tapers:

Diazepam 

2017 21 August - 30 Dec 21.25mg to 14.5mg 2018 6 Jan - 11 May to 12mg.  2 June updose to 12.25mg - hold. 2019 (0.5mg cuts) 12 Jan - 28 Dec 12mg to 10mg 2020 (0.25mg cuts) - 25 Jan - 29 Dec 9.75mg to 6.25mg 2021 *May have bungled dose and accidentally took 1mg more for about a month (7.25mg), so 4 Jan started again at 6.5mg; 19 Jan 6.25mg; 1 Feb 6.0mg; 23 Feb 5.75mg; 9 Mar 5.5mg; 23 Mar 5.25mg; 9 Apr 5.0mg; 6 May 4.75mg; 13 May 4.5mg; 6 Jun 4mg; 12 July 3.5mg; 2 sep 3.0mg; 15 Sep 2.5mg; 1 Nov 2mg; 15 Nov 1.5mg; 16 Dec 1mg; 26 Dec 0.5mg; 2022 1 Jan - OFF

Escitalopram - 2022 1 Mar to 9mg; 29 Mar 8mg; 24 May 7mg; 21 Jun 5mg; 19 Jul 4mg; 1 Sep 3mg; 23 Sep 2.5mg; 31 Oct 1.5mg; 22 Nov 0.5mg; 2023 1 Jan 0.25mg; 1 Mar OFF

Nortriptyline  2018 90mg to 2020 1 Dec down to 72.5mg; 2021 20 May 70mg; 8 Jun 67.5mg; 24 Jun 65mg; 31 July 60mg; 12 Oct 55mg; 23 Oct 50mg; 2022 13 Jan 40mg; 22 Jan 30mg; 29 Mar 20mg; 26 Apr 10mg; 3 Aug 5mg; 23 Sep 2.5mg; 2023 1 Jan - OFF

 

1 March 2023 - off all drugs - 6-year taper off three drugs.

 

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Thanks, everyone.  

 

I felt quite good yesterday. Yesterday afternoon, I went for a walk and a swim in the ocean.  The swim felt really good.  It's amazing to actually enjoy an activity!! Then, I washed my hair.  Then, I shopped for some things the teacher asked us to donate.  We got dinner out.

 

Today isn't as good as yesterday, but I'm doing ok.  

 

For the first time in ages, I don't think I woke up in the middle of the night and stayed awake.  At least I only remember waking up and staying awake after first light,  I woke up feeling very sad.  I cried.  I was feeling sad about how my mother ignored me and my needs and how awful my life was in high school because she didn't care about me.  It seems ridiculous that I can't get over that, but maybe I won't. 

 

I hoped I could go back to sleep, but didn't before I had to get up.  I got my daughter to school just as the bell rang, and she was a bit late.  I had my walk and felt better.  My sad thoughts went away.  I went shopping for dry goods with my husband.

 

I've had some of the tension or Akathisia feeling in my arms and jaw today, but after I picked up my daughter I took her to buy flower bulbs, and then I went grocery shopping WITH her.  This is a very big deal!  I was able to think clearly enough to shop and buy things that go together!! with my daughter whining or distracting me every 5 seconds!  I didn't even get flustered, and I was able to drive home without any trouble or stress!  Another very big deal.  I didn't get overwhelmed or meltdown or nearly have a fender bender.  It's truly amazing.  Then, I made dinner!! It was a frozen pizza, and I sliced up peaches, and boiled water for corn on the cob, but it was dinner!!!

 

I judge how I'm doing by how much I can do and whether I break down in the midst of doing it.  So, I would say this was a very good day even if I didn't feel as well as I did yesterday.  

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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That's really great Rosetta.I'm happy for ya having better days.I think about how I was raised sometimes too.I moved home to have peace with my parents.It didn't work out how i planned.I've learned though you can't make everyone happy.We have to make peace with the past.I'm hoping you keep having good days.Sleep good. Talk soon Rus

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

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@Rosetta Hi friend. So happy to hear all of this! You are making huge strides in your healing journey. I am so very excited for you!!!! Looks like you are living pretty close to a normal life again. 

 

Try not to be sad about your mom. You can't go back and undo or redo, you can only go forward. You have a wonderful opportunity to be an amazing mother to your daughter and you have learned a lot from your mom, on what not to do. Perhaps that is a gift that was given to you? I know the pain, I had a very bad dad but I truly believe that what I went through in my childhood, gave me great tools for me to use with my parenting. I am very proud to say, I have raised 4 truly wonderful kids. Not sure that could have turned out the same if my childhood were different? 

 

Sounds like you are a good mom. You have been given a gift, to raise your daughter in the most loving way. 

 

I am over the moon happy to have read your post and I can hear your joy in your writing. Looking forward to you sharing more as the days get better for you. 

 

Hugs and prayers friend. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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@Rosetta Just a quick question. You said you are able to do more than one thing at a time now. Like taking your daughter to the grocery store with you. 

 

My brain can't do more than one thing. For instance, I can't be on my computer and pet one of my dogs with the other hand or watch tv while doing something else. Even typing on my computer can cause some complications. Every time I do, I get dizzier. It is like my brain only has the ability to process one thing at a time. Also, this is most pronounced in the morning hours. Did you experience this? 

 

I understand what you are saying about sleep. I was getting about 5 hours straight and then would wake up at the 4am cortisol hour and toss and turn from there. Never really falling back to sleep. I also wake up in the middle of odd dreams. Recently, my sleep pattern changed and now I only get about 3 hours straight before I wake up. However, if I get up and take a half of Benadryl, I can fall back asleep again and sleep pretty sound for about 4 more hours. Wondering if your sleep pattern started changing? 

 

Hope i'm not hitting you with too much. I know you are about 4 months ahead of me in this journey so im curious with your progress timeline. Thank you friend. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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12 hours ago, Rosetta said:

So, I would say this was a very good day even if I didn't feel as well as I did yesterday.  

 Rosetta!!!!  I would just like to say when I read your post that felt like a fabulous day!!!! :)

That so touched my heart....such hope, happiness, self confidence, acceptance, joy...like a bubbler of sparkly, glittering, beautifully colored waters with the sun making it even more so!!!

SO happy that you had such lovely days!!!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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  • Mentor
15 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I judge how I'm doing by how much I can do and whether I break down in the midst of doing it.  So, I would say this was a very good day even if I didn't feel as well as I did yesterday.

@Rosetta: that is awesome news about shopping and making dinner. I love measuring where you are at by seeing how much you can do. And swimming in the ocean sounds divine -- truly my favorite place to swim. I had a panic attack last week while in the chaos of downtown Seattle (smoke, jackhammers and homelessness) and going to the lake for a swim definitely helped soothe and calm me down.

  • Prozac | late 2004-mid-2005 | CT WD in a couple months, mostly emotional
  • Sertraline 50-100mg | 11/2011-3/2014, 10/2014-3/2017
  • Sertraline fast taper March 2017, 4 weeks, OFF sertraline April 1, 2017
  • Quit alcohol May 20, 2017
  • Lifestyle changes: AA, kundalini yoga

 

"If you've seen a monster, even if it's horrible, that's evidence of divinity." – Damien Echols

 

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Rosetta checking in to see how you're doing

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

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Hi Rosetta, hoping today was a repeat of yesterday!!! 💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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Thanks, Rus, Mirage, FGW, Neroli, Wantrelief, DMV Carmie and Rabe.  I'll write on your threads when I can.

 

I'm very tired today, and the dystonia is back.  I need to document yesterday and today quickly and get off the iPad.

 

Yesterday:

I woke in the night, and had trouble going back to sleep.  Woke up too early, and I became more anxious the longer I lay there hoping to fall back asleep.  

Took kid to school. Had my walk -- about 4 miles is what I am walking now.  

Tried to take a nap, and I did actually fall asleep, but I woke up with fear - a mild cortisol spike.  I may have slept for 5-10 minutes. Felt so groggy after the "nap."  

Picked up daughter, helped her do homework.  

Worked outside the house to try to clear away some of the stuff that had piled up -- threw away sandbox toys and various stuff that sat out too long.  Neighbor girl helped me -- she tore down the catio for me, helped me pick up stuff that had become trash.  The dystonia started to bother me last night.  I took an Epsom salt bath. At bedtime I couldn't read to my daughter as I was worried the dystonia would become a headache.  

 

Today:

In the night, I woke up feeling sad and found it very hard to go back to sleep. Finally, I did, and I had a pleasant dream.  

Took kid to school, had breakfast, shopped for socks, walked (4 miles), (I was famished after the walk), got lunch, started feeling very tired and sleepy, picked up daughter, sat down at home and still felt very sleepy, but I decided not to try to nap.  Dystonia keeps bothering me and getting worse as I read and write.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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Hi Rosetta. Thinking about you and sending prayers and hugs. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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Hi Rosetta I was thinking about you and just wanted to stop by and say hi I hope everything is going good for you hope you have a good rest tonight

March-2017-Dec-2017 ativanCT /reinstated ativan 1mg tapered 2 months/June 2017-April 2018 zyprexa 10mg switched to seroquel 200-300mg in april 2018/dec-2017-present zoloft 100mg/ quit seroquel 200-300mg cold turkey May 6 2018 reinstated seroquel 100mg around May 25 2018 since then tapered to 50mg zoloft and 50 mg of seroquel presently other medications Testosterone cypionate 2oomg every 4 days

UPDATE -August 20 2018--october 20 2018 tapered off Testosterone/Nov 7 2018 --Dec 20 2018 Lamictal micro dose 2.50mg 1 1/2 weeks then reduced to 1.25 then fast tapered as it became paridoxial.nausea- racing thoughts- agitation and insomnia.

August 28 2018 to Present Cannabis indica micro dose PM bedtime only.

Presently Seroquel 37.5 mg bedtime /Zoloft 47mg morning

May 2018-Present Multivitamin/ Bcomplex/Vit C 1000MG/B12 1000MCG/Fish oils 2grams/

Jan 2019-Trace mineral liquid low dose

Update dec 2019 -29mg of zoloft tapering/Seroquel 37.5 holding/1 or 2  ativan 1mg a month as needed if that.

Black seed oil-caprylic acid-/b complex/b12/multi/D/E/melatonin

Link to comment

I'm back to feeling very inadequate as a mother because my house is cluttered.  With school starting, my daughter wants play dates again.  This recurring issue is something I hope I can address soon.  I hope my brain can allow me.  Right now, I'm horribly anxious about the issue.  

 

I have had lots of hormonal upheaval this past week.  I'm having menses now for the second month in a row since the 3 month break.  Today is Saturday.  It started Monday, I think.  Maybe it was Sunday, and looking back Sunday was a good day, but the Saturday before I had a complete meltdown.  That must have been PMS.  

 

I have been busy the last 3 days trying to keep up with getting my daughter to and from school and my walking, and I have been having bad nights.  Last night was better than the night before. 

 

I have been walking almost everyday since Monday, but not 4 miles every day. Thursday, I walked only an hour, and I got overheated because I walked in the park next to my house.  Directly after that I picked my daughter up from school, and we had to walk out to the playground to find her snack box.  I was in the heat for about an hour total.  I felt pretty bad for a few hours.  Then, I felt better after cooling off.  The evening was cool.  I went to a presentation by my daughter's teacher Thursday night.  I walked there and back.  So, my total time walking on Thursday was one hour.  

 

was up the night before (Wed night/Thurs morning) a long time, I think.  I was having thoughts about how miserable it was to live with my mother, and how she bullied me.  It has been that way the last three nights.  Last night was a little better.  I believe this is happening because my hormones are having an affect on my sleep and also affecting WD giving me the "time travel" effect that a lot of people get during WD.  I'm re-living that trauma.  Every time my mother calls or writes me note, it is dredged up again.  She called earlier this week and wrote a note.  It makes me angry every time she tries to get my attention.

 

What is happening to me and what isn't happening?

 

I'm feeling I'm being run ragged by anxiety and Akathisia and between those drains on my energy and trying to exercise and do things for my daughter that I don't have the time or energy to sort through the clutter in my house, but the truth is that I can't sort very often.  It's not a lack of time, and it's only partially a lack of energy.  It's most anxiety and brain fog and just plain fear of finding something in a pile that trigger a thought of being between the ages of 10 and 18. 

 

I believe that we each have weak points in our "psyches" that are "exploited" by WD.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm afraid to throw things away, that I feel afraid in my messy home, or that I'm worried about how the state of my home will affect my daughters ability to have security and friends.  

 

I'm hoping that as I get well I will be able to heal from all of that and that it won't bother me.  I'm worried that I won't, but I'm sure that's just WD brain telling me I'm doomed.  I thought I was over all of that until my grandfather got dementia, and I had to fight my uncle in court to get care for him.  My mother did nothing to help even though she lived 3 hours from him by car, and I lived 1500 miles away. Then, while I had a newborn, I had to fight my uncle to get proper medical care for my grandfather as he was dying.  I had to fight to avoid a feeding tube. He had dementia, he was 99, and he had an advance directive, but I had to fight my uncle in front of a hospital ethics board while I had a two month old baby.  Again, no help from my mother.  None.  She didn't even show up.  Finally, when my daughter was 2 and 3, I had to fight to get the money my uncle stole subtracted from his inheritance.  My mother didn't help me do any of that, and now she is in contact with my uncle again.  She claims he cares about me!!  (He once threatened one of my grandfather's caregivers that he would have me killed.). I feel betrayed --again.

 

I feel that all that stress with my family had an enormous impact on the destabilization of my nervous system.  I feel that my Zoloft dose was raised because of that stress and that my protracted WD has been so much worse because of that stress.  So, I feel betrayed by my mother, and I blame her for how sick I have been.  The family dynamic is such a horrible mess.  I want to just stay away from her and this sick relationship we have with each other, but she keeps trying to contact me.  She keeps sending my daughter cards and books.  I really wish I had never let my daughter have contact with my mother.  I feel such anger and fear when my daughter mentions my mother.

 

I needed to write this out to process it.  I feel that therapy is of no use right now because my system is so erratic, but writing this out might help.  There is no reason for anyone to read it, but it's a part of this protracted WD mess, and I want it kept together with the matter of having "waking nightmares" while I am unable to sleep in the middle of the night.  I want a record of what I'm experiencing as my reality while I'm awake at night.  I've talked about this phenomenon before on my thread -- that I feel that WD is putting me through an emotional abuse that is very much like the abuse my mother put me through.  I have no control over my brain or my emotions in the night or very little.  I feel like a scared child who doesn't feel safe and doesn't know what is going to happen next.

 

There must be some way to avoid this.  I don't want to get up and turn on the light.  I don't want to watch TV or read because I won't get enough sleep.  I always fall back asleep, and usually, I wake up WITHOUT the feeling that I'm back there in my mother's house.  But I sometimes wake up to this WD nightmare --cortisol spikes --and sometimes I don't.  I never know.  I do wake up to my disaster of a house and an enormous feeling of guilt for that disaster -- every single day.

 

I'm doing the best I can, and I know that, but I can't forgive myself for having this chaos in my house.  I know I created this mess while I was destabilized by repeated increases in my Zoloft dose, and the hoarding was caused by that destabilization.  I know I'm not "responsible" for that, but I still have to be the one to fix it.   That I continue to be afraid to fix it is also a consequence of my brain being scrambled by WD, and I may not be able to fix it right now.  I wish I could fix it.  I feel so guilty that my daughter can't have her friends over.  I am too embarrassed for anyone to see my house.  My husband hired a woman to clean, and I'm sick with anxiety and fear almost every day she is supposed to show up.  I sick with anxiety the night before she's scheduled.  I have to cancel sometimes just so that I can go to sleep because I can't handle the anxiety of knowing she's going to arrive in the morning.  I power through most of the time so that my kitchen, bathrooms and floors are clean.

 

If not for protracted WD, I would wonder if I am somehow replacing the emotional chaos of living in my mother's house with the chaos of clutter in my own house.  Clutter is safer -- so much safer for me, but it's still not safe.  I feel it's not safe for my little girl to be here in this clutter.  Everything is clean, but it's an overwhelming mess of things we don't need, don't want, and can't keep organized.  It doesn't look clean because it's not neat.  

 

There was not much clutter in my mother's house, but it wasn't clean.  She had 8 cats when I was a teenager.  They peed on the wood floor and carpet.  Our house smelled like cat urine all the time, and the bathroom and kitchen were usually dirty.  We had roaches in the garage (because of the cat food) and mice in the kitchen.  My mother didn't clean much, but about once a week she would blow up at me, and force me to clean the house as if it was my fault alone that it was dirty.   She never cooked, and she didn't use the kitchen.  She ate every meal out -- without me.

 

I feel that I am failing my little girl.  She can't invite her friends over, and that's becoming a real problem the older she gets.  yet, I'm terrified to get rid of something my daughter wants to keep.  I'm afraid I will harm her by doing that.

STOP here if you need to especially if you were abused as a child.  It gets ugly.  DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE FRAGILE right now or affected too much by child abuse:  You have read far enough to get the point of this post. The rest is detail for me, mostly.

 

It's a long story, but my mother was like a Jekyll and Hyde or ugly stepsister.  We lived with my grandparents until I was 4.  I think my grandmother did just about everything.  My mother was like another kid in the house even though she was 30 when I was 4.  Then, when I was still 4, my mom got married, and her husband tried to shoot our dog right in front of me.  I thought he was going to shoot us, too.  I said so.  Then, I went back to live with my grandparents.  My mom divorced and went to college an hour away.  I stayed with my grandparents until I was 8.  Then, my mom took me to live with her.  She had no idea how to be a mother, but I think she tried until I was about 10.  She dropped me off at my grandparents every weekend and every school break, and she left.  She didn't stay there with us.  She was dating, I assume.  I loved being with my grandparents, but a couple of years later my mother got married again.  

 

My mother married a guy who was an alcoholic when I was 10.  She let him make up all the house rules.  He had never had kids.  He grounded me, he forced me to eat foods I hated, he made me go to bed without dinner.  These were things my mother had never done, and my grandparents had never done.  It was very confusing to me.  I always thought I was a good kid, but I got in trouble constantly.  My mother would sneak food to me when I had had no dinner.  She didn't agree with my stepfather, but she didn't say so.  This told me that she had no control over my life.  I was scared.  

 

We never visited my grandparents because my stepfather was not allowed to drink at their house.  Eventually, my mother stopped taking me to spend the weekend with them, too.  My stepfather drank more and more over the year he was there.  Things became chaotic at my home.  They would fight.  The police would come in the night and take him to a hotel.   There was a male teacher at school who babysat me before my mother married.  He was really nice.  He would play Laurel and Hardy movies for me on an old fashioned projector and make popcorn for me.  My stepfather didn't like him because he was jealous that my mother was friends with a male teacher.  I wasn't allowed to see him anymore.  The teacher had given me a special comic book worth a little money.   At one point, because I didn't clean my room, my stepfather put everything I had in a plastic bag in the garage.  He said that if I didn't sort through it by a certain date he would throw it away.  I was very, very anxious about this.  I couldn't sort through it.  He threw it away without telling me.  I realized that one of the things in the bag was that comic book.  I was so upset.  I told the teacher, and he was very upset, too.  I felt very angry and confused and afraid.  Just like I feel now in the middle of the night when I am awake and can't go back to sleep.

 

That may have sounded unfortunate, but it got worse.  My mother divorced my stepfather when I was 11, and nothing returned to "normal."  It just got worse.  She had asked me to agree that she should divorce him, and then when he was gone she simply stopped being my mother.  She had let him make all the decisions about raising me during that year.  When he left, she started ignoring me.  I lost my closest friends because she wasn't married any longer.  Everyone treated me differently.  She didn't cook, she didn't spend time with me, she was always gone, and I was alone.  I got depressed, and I stopped going to school.  Eventually, I finished 6th grade, and I switched schools to be closer to my house for junior high.  My mother wouldn't let me do activities at the school where she taught second grade because it was 1/2 an hour away.  I thought I could do activities if I went to the school that was closer, but as it turned out my mother wouldn't cooperate.  By the next year, 8th grade, I had some friends, and I managed to get rides from a friend's mother in order to participate, but that felt wrong somehow.  My mother never attended any games.

 

My grandfather cut my mother off financially when I was about 14.  My mother started starving me then.  She gave me too little money for lunch.  All I could buy were candy bars and bags of chips.  I didn't have enough for meat sandwiches or burgers.  Then, she would eat at a restaurant after work and bring nothing home for me.  She didn't keep much food in the house.  Usually, I had to hope for invites to my friends' houses to eat dinner.  (I think this is why I was so depressed and suicidal when I was 15-18.).  

 

I was so skinny.  I was still only 14 when my mother decided to tell my grandfather that I was spending my lunch money on drugs.  I got only $10 a week!!  It wasn't enough for food!  I had straight As, and I never got in trouble at school.  I had no allowance for anything.  She didn't even buy me deorderant.  I think my mother told my grandfather that because she didn't want me to have any credibility with him.  So, I felt I couldn't ask him for lunch money.   My grandfather never, ever came to my house.  He never checked to see what was happening there as far as I know.  This went on until I went to college.  If not for school, I don't know how I would have survived to that point.

 

My mother tried to drive away any of my friends who cared about me.  She left me alone a lot.  I sat at home and watched TV unless I had a date which was rare.  Boys always made me uncomfortable.  If there was a nice one who didn't, my mother drove him off by being rude and sometimes hateful to him.  She drove off any adults who showed any concern for me.  She hated my friends' mothers who invited me for dinner.  So, they didn't do that often.  She even called my best friend's mother and told her to stay away from me.  That mother was not deterred, but she was the only one.  

 

When I was in high school, my grandfather gave me what little money I had, and my mother was terribly jealous of my relationship with my grandfather.  He gave me a little money for clothes, and he paid for my school activities, but my mother refused to pick me up from the activities.  

 

My mother spent the rest of my teens cycling through different men over and over.  She let these men tell her how to raise me.  Each one would change the rules on me.  This happened every few months.  It was chaos.  Some ignored me.  Some made me very uncomfortable by how interested they were in me.  My mother didn't buy much food for the house.  She went out to dinner with her dates and didn't bring anything to me.  Sometimes, she didn't come back until morning.  When I was 16, one man -- who lived next door to us -- had a friend who tried to have sex with me.  My mother went into the bedroom with her boyfriend and left me alone with this 30 something year old guy.  I realized later how unbelievably wrong that was.  At first, I didn't expect this person to even talk to me!  I didn't know what to do when he came on to me, but I wriggled out of his embrace as soon as I could and went home.  There I was alone again.  I couldn't even sit and watch TV with my own mother.  I didn't understand why that had happened.  My mother didn't believe me when I told her.  She said that that guy told her that I came on to him!!  I didn't even want to be over there, but I didn't want to be at home all alone.

 

Then, some time after that, the same boyfriend told my mother that he was attracted to me, and she was angry.  She came storming over to our house and told me this!  I was shocked.  I was still 16 years old. This person lived right next door to us!!  He was in his 30s or 40s.  She told me this and then stomped back over to his house and told him that she had told me what he had said.  He came over to my house alone.  He was embarrassed.  He told me that he would never act on that feeling.  I was disgusted.   After that my mother continued to date him!!!  She even made me go to "meet her" at his office once claiming she would be there, but when I arrived she wasn't there!!!  He was a chiropractor.  He offered to give me an adjustment!!  I said no.  Then they took me out to dinner and told me they had done that on purpose to show me that I could trust him!!!  As if everything was now ok?  I was horrified. She lied to me and set me up to be alone with someone who made me extremely uncomfortable.  Add to that the fact that my mother was insanely jealous of me for all sorts of reasons.  Another unbelievable betrayal.  Nothing was going to interrupt what my mother wanted.  I didn't matter to her.  Finally, that man moved away.

 

My mother became very jealous of me after that.  She was jealous of anyone who was kind to me.  If a normal man she dated was kind to me, she dumped him quickly.  The creepy ones she eventually dumped, too, but not because they were creepy toward me.  She was angry with me that they liked me.  I felt so betrayed, and I felt frightened that they acted interested in me more because of what my mother would do than because any of them ever actually touched me.  I decided I didn't want to be invited to go to dinner with them or for anything else for that matter.  

 

My mother occasionally got so angry with me that she slapped me and pulled my hair.  She called me names.  She chased me through the house until I locked myself in my room.  I was happier when she wasn't at home even if I was alone.  Just me and the cats with the TV.

 

It was all so awful, and I was so afraid that I would be ripped away from all my friends at school and my activities if I told anyone about these things.  Even worse, I was afraid that no one would believe me.  

 

My grandfather didn't know any of this, and he didn't buy me a car or give me money for food or any allowance.  I don't know why I didn't tell him except that I wanted to stay near my friends and not switch schools.  The 7th grade school switch had been very traumatic.  I think I didn't really trust him to help me, and I couldn't bear telling him and seeing no action on his part.  I felt that I couldn't ask him for money.  He made it very clear how he felt about my mother asking for money.  I was so afraid of losing the only person who acted like a parent to me.  (My grandmother's health was poor, and she developed dementia when I was 15 or 16.  I noticed it when I was 16.  I'm sure this had something to do with why my grandfather didn't notice that things were so bad for me.).

 

When I went to college my grandfather gave me plenty of money for everything.  I thought I had escaped from Hell, but I don't think I did.  Hell followed me.  

 

The general feeling of being back there in that situation is what comes into my mind when I'm awake in the night.  I feel that I'm doomed because all of that happened.  It's not that I am thinking about the individual events.  It's more that I feel that I am there living in that time, that world, that ugliness, and I'm afraid, I'm angry, and I feel betrayed by everyone including most of my friends' mothers who just stood by and did nothing.  If anyone told my grandfather then he did nothing.  I feel that I'm stuck there in that mindset, and if this happens a couple of nights in a row, I get to the point that I don't want to go to sleep at night.  

 

I'm 49 years old, and I'm still living that nightmare off and on for a couple of hours per night every few weeks.  This didn't happen to me before I took ADs.  Not this way.  I didn't have "waking nightmares" about all of that.  If I felt sad or depressed or afraid, I was focused on what was happening in real time more or less.  I knew that those experiences contributed to how I felt about the present, but I didn't feel that I was stuck in the past emotionally.  I thought that I was dealing with the present.  My present right now isn't that bad.  No one is trying to hurt me.  I can eat anything I want if I have an appetite.  I feel I'm not in control, but I know that I am almost all the time.  

 

Is the protracted WD doing this to me?  I guess so.  I guess memories of feelings are being dredged up in the middle of the night and the particular mix of neurotransmitters and hormones in my body from 12:30 to 3:30 a.m. are making me experience this feeling --this feeling of being trapped in that situation believing there is no one who can or will get me out of it without destroying my entire life and everything that is good about it.

 

I really want to cut my mother out of my life completely.  I don't want to see her caller ID, I don't want to see her messages, I don't want to get her letters.  I don't want packages to come in the mail from her for my daughter, I don't want my daughter to ask about her, I just don't want to be reminded of her at all.  How can I manage that?  I'm so afraid of what she would do if I cut her off, but I think I need some peace from being remind of my childhood.  Will that come when protracted WD is over?  I think it will.  How to manage in the meantime?

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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  • Mentor
5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I believe that we each have weak points in our "psyches" that are "exploited" by WD.

Very insightful, @Rosetta. My insecurities about deprivation/abandonment and fear of being a "b*&%h" like my mother are off the chart. That idea of having a weak area that is exploited by WD is something I am going to meditate on.

 

Thanks for writing down this part of your story. Incredibly traumatic... that you made it through all of that is a testament to how strong and smart you are.

  • Prozac | late 2004-mid-2005 | CT WD in a couple months, mostly emotional
  • Sertraline 50-100mg | 11/2011-3/2014, 10/2014-3/2017
  • Sertraline fast taper March 2017, 4 weeks, OFF sertraline April 1, 2017
  • Quit alcohol May 20, 2017
  • Lifestyle changes: AA, kundalini yoga

 

"If you've seen a monster, even if it's horrible, that's evidence of divinity." – Damien Echols

 

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Thanks, @FarmGirlWorks.  I wish I felt strong.  I used to, but that was long ago.  I used to feel that all that made me stronger.  Now I think it could have, but in the 30 years since I've been knocked down so many times.  This mess right now would have been the final straw if I wasn't married to someone who is very loyal.  The low points are so low.

 

Last night was not very good.  I woke up and I thought it was early morning.  The moon was out.  My blackout shades aren't very good.  They let light in on the sides and that light shines on the mirrored closets doors.  I was surprised to find that it was about 12:30.  The feeling of being in my bedroom at my mother's house wasn't very strong.  After lying there a while I heated my shoulder wrap.  At some point I feel back asleep.  

 

I had a cortisol spike at 4:30 and another at 6:00 am.  I feel pretty bad today.  It's a strong depression, hopelessness, some anhedonia, pointlessness, a feeling that life will always be full of danger and fear and sadness.  I don't feel safe.  I don't feel safe at home, I don't feel safe on SA, I don't feel that the world will let me keep my husband long enough to get well.  I feel like a bug on the sidewalk who could squashed at any time.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

Sending you hugs Rosetta....💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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@Rosetta I am sorry for all of this. You sound like a wonderful mother and a great wife and that is all that truly matters today. Just my opinion, but I see nothing wrong with you walking away from your mom. For some reason, we feel that because people are family, we have to accept them and love them and take care of them. No, No we don't! Relationships are formed, and they are formed by love, respect and the way you treat someone. If this person were not your mother, I suspect you would have no problem walking away and staying away? I think you would do that because this person is toxic and not the best for your well being, which, in turn, is not the best for your daughter. 

 

Some of what you went through has made you the loving, caring mom you are today. Seek out that good. Focus on the positives that you may have gained. So much of what you went through has given you the ability to not let that happen to your daughter.

 

 None of what happened was your fault and the relationship your mother built with you is poison. I see nothing wrong with you washing your hands of it and walking away. It is time for you to move on. Time for you to move forward. You are being given an opportunity now. A clean slate off the meds. A new beginning. Accept it. 

 

I won't go into details but I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was extremely abusive and there were many times we were so bruised and battered that my mother couldn't send us to school. Looking back, I suspect a lot of people around us knew what was going on. I had a lot of adults, neighbors, school teachers, friends parents, ect who would take me places and drive me to and from activities and I was always given "scholarships" for the activities because we had no money. My mother didn't drive and she worked nights to put food on the table. All of that said, I am the person I am today because of it. I have no anger or animosity. I have an amazing marriage of 33 years and I raised 4 incredible kids. I am strong and resilient. All because of my childhood. Who knows, had I not gone through all of that, I may not have been so blessed with the life I have today. 

 

You are blessed friend. Feel the blessings and focus on them. You are safe. There is no hold on you any longer. Unleash the shackles. You are strong. Look at what you are overcoming! It is AMAZING!

 

All of this is just my thoughts. I am writing it from a supportive shoulder. 

 

Sending BIG hugs and prayers to you. 




 















 

 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

Thank you @Rabe.  I needed that hug.

 

My God, Mirage.  @mirage. Thanks for your note.  I am so very sorry for all you suffered.  I'm so sorry your mother couldn't protect you.  I have no idea how you are able to move past that.  I don't think I'll be able to do that.  

 

Yes, I should cut ties, but somehow there is always someone else or something else to take her place.  WD has taken that place, I think.  Without WD maybe I could have been a good mother.  It was going to be hard, but my mood is so inconsistent I don't know how she's going to be ok.

 

I'm so unhappy with my relationship with my daughter.  I read to her every night, but otherwise I can't get her to do anything with me.  She doesn't want to be with me if her father is here.  If I take her somewhere special she will go, but otherwise she wants to be with him because he has the brainpower to play with and talk to her.  If he's not here, she goes off to play by herself.  She doesn't ask me any longer.  She is afraid that I will say no.  

 

I want to play with her, but I can't do it the way she wants me to.  We used to play before I quit Zoloft.  She was only 4.  Even then it was hard.  She's very particular.  I can't follow her plan.  We used to bake together, but I usually can't think clearly enough do that.  Brain fog causes me so much anxiety!!  We used to do crafts.  I can't do those very often either.  The very thought makes me anxious.

 

I can't lead her either.  I can't figure out how to lead her.  She rejects everything I suggest we do unless it's special.  She will go to the amusement park with me or the aquarium.  That's about it.  She's doesn't want to go to the beach or the zoo!  How is that possible?  She will go if it's a play date.  I have to force her to go with me to "boring" places, and then we have fun, but at home I can't get her attention.  She won't even go swimming with me in our pool or to the park or for a walk.  I can't take her somewhere special every weekend, and it's not appropriate anyway.  I don't want to create a monster.  I won't buy things for her all the time; that's harmful.  I guess I keep forcing her to go to boring places like the grocery store, etc, but it takes soooo much energy to overcome the resistance.  I probably give up too easily when I try to lead her, and it's encouraging her to resist me because it works!!  

 

Her father plays puppet games with her.  They have several.  They have made up all these personas and recurring conversations between the stuffed animals.  It's really cute, and she loves it!

 

He also plays Minecraft with her once a week.  He makes all the tools and armor and gives them to her, and she stays above ground and plants flowers and makes animals follow her around.  I guess that would be sort of like me taking her shopping for toys every weekend, but I'm morally opposed to that.  I hate to say Minecraft is off limits, but it's almost all she wants to do besides watch tv.  She doesn't want to ride in the car with me if we are caravaning.  She wants to be with him so they can talk about Minecraft.  I'm not sure it's good for her.  I can't talk to her very much when I drive.  Usually, I have to concentrate very hard on driving.  I try, but I get scared and stressed about dividing my attention.

 

I can't shake the strong feeling that I'm doing this wrong.  I'm not doing something I should be doing to lead her.  Except for reading to her it seems that all I do is enforce rules and make her do her homework.   Maybe that's all most mothers have time to do.  I have all the time in the world and no creative brain at all.  Maybe I'm doing fine, but I'm just lonely.  I have no life except for her.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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@mirage I wanted to say thank you for sharing...there is much more than the medications that many of us have in common.  I am sorry that you had to deal with all that you did growing up...but from the storm a most beautiful rainbow has emerged as it has with @Rosetta.  I feel so blessed to be able to have friends such as the two of you.  I do not feel alone...💜 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

@Rosetta You are a wonderful mother Rosetta and are doing the very best you can and always have it has seemed to me.  She wont forget what you have done for her...she truly won't.  💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

@Rosetta I am really sorry to hear this. Are there things you can do as a family with your husband? Also, keep in mind a mothers job is to parent and not to be a friend. That said, you are right to not take her out every weekend to buy toys. That would not be beneficial to her anyway. We aren't here to buy our childrens love. So, you are doing that right. 

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Try and find the good you do. I am hearing what you cant do. There is always another side to everything. Any time you can get with her is a bonus. Cherish it and build on it. 

 

I understand how hard this is but it wont be forever and you have seen healing. Do not give up on yourself. I have heard a lot of inspiration in some of your posts. There is much more to you than you acknowledge. Find it in yourself. 

 

I have a close friend who had a, not so good relationship, with her only child, daughter. It was so bad that her daughter would tell her how much she disliked her and how wonderful her dad was. She would say her mom was the wicked witch and her dad was prince charming. She continued to do what she could to support her daughter and to show her love, despite. Her daughter is now 14 and just entered high school. Well, low and behold, last year, in 8th grade, she realized she really needed her mom. Dad wasn't the one to go to when she became a women (aka our monthly visitor). Dad wasn't the one to go to when she wanted to start wearing make up or to shop for clothes or a dress for a special occasion. It was all mom that she needed and my friend was there, no questions asked, waiting in the wings and shadows. There relationship is getting closer and it is so awesome! Every time she tells me of something she gets to do for or with her daughter, it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

All of that said, do not make the decision, now, that you are not a good mom and that you are messing her up. Continue to tell her how much you love her and give her hugs and kisses. The bottom line is, that is truly what kids need and want. A loving parent. 

 

@Rabe Thank you for the support and kind words. It was a rough childhood in my house but I would not change it. Nor can you go back and, undo or redo. It is over. It is in the past. We learn from it and we grow from it. It is time to live in the now and to go forward. Honestly, a couple of my brothers and I actually can laugh about some of the horrors of our childhood. (and let me tell you, I mean horrors)! When we heard my dad pulling into the driveway, we scattered like mice because we knew he would be drunk and all hell was going to break loose. We had a crawl space under our staircase and it was a small closet with a door on it. We could get in there and burrow way back into the smallest area. My dad could not get in there. We would wait in there until it was quiet. We then knew he had either passed out or fell asleep. Then, it was safe to come out. My mom worked nights so we were on our own most of the time when my dad came home. We kept flashlights, snacks and board games in that crawl space because there would be times we would be in there for hours. But, the fun we had in there is priceless. We share a lot of laughter about it. 

 

My mom passed away 10 years ago and my dad is still here. He is very ill and for the past 10 years I took care of him. He has been on dialysis for the past 4 years and has been unable to drive for about 8 years. I drove him to and from dialysis 3 days a week, getting up at 5am to get him there. I drove him to all dr appts. Did his grocery shopping and laundry. When I became sick in June of 2017, I could no longer do it. I now pay someone to do all of the driving for him. I am in a position now, that I could go back to driving him. But, I don't want to. I am done. I have been a good and loyal daughter to him. I see him about once a month now and we talk via email. I don't even take his phone calls any longer. I feel totally good about it. I stopped being scared of the man in my high school years. Once I could drive and get a job and make my own money, I became completely independent and off I went. He did stop drinking and his recollection of our childhood is VERY different from mine. I laugh at that because I think he was so drunk most of the time that he couldn't possibly have known the truth. So his truth is what he thinks it is. I am okay with that. For it is not me who has to answer to God...it is him.

 

For me the med came into play about 8 years ago because I was having so many problems with PMS. My ob thought it would help. Not sure if it did or didn't. Fast forward to May of 2017, menopause complete. No need for the med, right? Off of it I went and boom, one month later here I am on this journey.

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@Rabe where is rus?!

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

@Rosetta I so agree with mirage and did share thoughts with you before...this is the age my children found their father to be wonderful...played monopoly all the time, golfed, took them to disney world...yup, all the fun things.  Long story about how their father really was, but I just got a note from my youngest thanking me for all I did for him...and it wasn't the golf etc.  

And, yes, my daughter loved being with her dad...until little older and then it was mom...for reasons mirage said...girl things, boyfriends, friend issues, self esteem issues, homeowork issues..etc etc.  

What you are doing is so good, though it may not seem like it when comparing to puppets and minecraft...you are both doing good things, they are just different things...she wont forget...promise.  As I said, I feel you will be better just in time for those growing up mother/daughter things to come.  

Kids will always be drawn to the non boring things...but to this day my oldest son reminds me of how much our reading books together meant to him...he went into English and creative writing and because a teacher.  I hope that you can be kind to yourself and know that you are doing all that you can...giving as much as you are able...right now.  She will better understand that as well in the years to come!!!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I never had children so I’m not one to give advice. I love what Mirage n Rabe wrote about when daughters become older they start needing their mothers more. I know that doesn’t take away the pain now but it’s nice when there are others that can relate to your situation.

 

As regards your mother, in the last year I’ve learnt about narcissistic abuse n your mum is definitely a narcissist. You may have already studied this but if you haven’t just google it or go to YouTube, there is tons of information there. It helps to clear things up in your mind.

 

I won’t go into any details but things in my life make a lot of sense now. I could never understand what was happening. Nothing made sense, you become so confused. You are gaslighted, narcissists change your reality. Everything ends up feeling confused, you don’t know what’s up or down. 

 

Narcissistics are empty inside, they get their fuel from other people. It doesn’t matter who it is. They need narcissistic supply n they get this by people’s adulation or by abusing people. They love to abuse people, they need to control people. They love seeing people hurt n upset, it gives them great pleasure. 

 

They have no conscience n they have no empathy. Everything is a game to them n they need to win. They are masters at manipulation and people are no different to them than an appliance, something to play with. You can’t win against a narcissist. The best thing is to go no contact and if that’s not possible, limit contact as much as possible n use the gray rock technique. 

 

Be as bland as possible around them, don’t react, don’t give them any fuel, don’t let them know they’ve upset you. They thrive on your pain n we have to learn to not react. The more they can get us to react the more they will manipulate us. It’s a painful experience. Our cortisol levels are constantly haywire because of the abuse n you end up getting sick. 

 

It makes you ill. I ended up getting CFS because of narcissistic abuse. 

 

I’m so sorry you are going through so much. Going through withdrawals certainly makes us even more vulnerable as our emotions are all over the place. 

 

Sending you the biggest hug ever🤗😘

 

@mirage

Hi Mirage, 

 

Im sorry about what you went through as a child. It looks like you’ve done really well processing your feelings. I don’t feel anger towards anyone either. You can’t change abusers, you just have to work on yourself. That’s not to say you aren’t affected by it, you still carry pain. You have to keep working on the pain inside of you. 

 

A lot of damage is caused to so many people. You sound like you’ve gone through narcissistic abuse as well. It’s an interesting subject to study. It’s not just that your dad was an alcoholic that caused the abuse. Many alcoholics aren’t violent or abusive. There is definitely more to it than that. 

 

These people have absolutely no empathy towards anyone, they love hurting people to get narcissistic supply. They can’t live without it. It’s like oxygen to them. When they do kind things it’s also just a game, they use it for some kind of leverage or to get something they want. They abuse, then they love bomb you so you forgive them, then the cycle starts all over again. It’s a big game n they are always the winner until you decide to go no contact or you set boundaries n no longer react to their games.

 

When you stop reacting to the abuse they get angry too, they get narcissistic rage, you have injured them as you no longer give them their supply. 

 

It’s sooooo sad what these people do. 

 

Im really sorry what you went through too, Sending you a big hug as well🤗

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

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@Carmie Thank you. You hit the nail on the head about narcissist. My dad is just that.

 

I hold no anger or hatred. My father was a product of his parents. My grandparents were bad news. However, my dad could have changed his ways and he could have not gone on the same path as his father did, but, he did. It is all water under the bridge for me. I gained great things from my childhood and I am thankful for that. It gave me wonderful tools that I have been able to use in life. So many lessons of what I didn't want to do. God is good and I know he was with me the entire time through all of the tragedy I experienced. He was holding my hand and keeping me safe and he showed me the way. I am so very blessed! Also, I have a really close and great relationship with my brothers. We can all laugh at a lot of our childhood. 

 

How are you doing Carmie? Hoping you are seeing improvement?

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

Link to comment

It is hard for me to say...there is SO much pain here that I have found myself teary and upset much of the day.  I was abused as a child, my father was alcoholic and abusive, and my husband was alcoholic and abusive, as was my son, the treatment facility doctor and staff, and others.  But I felt grateful that my son was able to feel safe enough with me to drop his displaced anger here.  He is better but still struggles with that anger that flares.  

My father was a good person with a bad disease.  I believe he was abused as a child...I know my ex was.  Im not saying it makes it right to then hurt others...but what I know is it wasnt about me or others...it was about pain and anger they didnt know existed, born of their abuses and fueled by so many things...who knows what specifically reminded them of those times...they didnt....I dont.  I dont even know myself...I have been afraid my whole life and I cannot control the fear...Im grateful its not overt anger...but there is anger.  It, especially now, has affected my family as I am out of my safe zone. I went into treatment at age 29 for alcoholism....drank once in high school a little in college...but when I did I blacked out both times and when I continued in my marriage it was a very short time before my liver was affected and I could not understand what was happening...I had no control...sometimes I was ok drinking and other times I was a mess.  My body doesnt handle it like others....doesnt handle the drugs either seems and lots of other things. 

 

Anyway, my father was a good man/bad ugly illness....but I am so grateful he lived long enough that we were able to have some truly wonderful moments together when he was not well.  His 2nd wife was abusive to him (he relapsed while married to her and then stopped again but she took it personally and never let it go)...and he was blind....she brought him back to our home town and left him essentially after he fell and broke a hip. I always loved him and wanted to know he loved me...in the 3 months we had there was a healing that was Gods gift.  There were miracles...like when my daughter came to visit and she put her face very close to his and there was a glow around the two of them and he said that he could see her beautiful hair and eyes!  It was incredible and my daughter and I cried.  There were other wonderful moments and some very sad ones....like when the doctor and his wife and my brother who hated my father decided that he had severe dementia and therefore they were going to put him in hospice.  I worked with dementia patients...if he had any it was very mild dementia and related to his blindness...but dementia patients do not do crossword puzzles and do not say to me what is that noise, because they cannot see, so I look around trying to find what it might be in the restaurant....the ice maker being filled?  he nods yes.  They dont listen to a poem that was written and correct a grammatical error!  But ... that was it....when they gave up on him he gave up.  

I saw my ex here in the spring ... he was here for Evies birthday with his wife.  He looked old and lost and sad...as I looked at him I heard a voice saying to forgive him.....I never said anything to him, but in my heart I did...as much as I am capable of right now.  

I would never have thought these things possible...they were not scripted by me.  There will always be scars....from so so many things.  I pray for all of us that we make it through this journey together and I bless you for sharing your stories...it has helped me so much!

 

I share the above because we need to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves..whatever that may be.....but having said that, one never knows where we will be led.

Blessings and love to you all!!! 💜

 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

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@Rosetta @mirage @Carmie I love you all!!! forgot to tag my post...

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

I'm awake.  I've been awake since 12:15, and it's 5:30. 

 

I'm sorry, @mirage. That's all I can do -- say I'm sorry.  I thought I was doing a good thing.  I'm very sorry.

 

Thank you for sharing, all of you.  I have no idea how any of you can hold no anger.  That makes no sense to me at all.  Maybe it helps that they are dead?  Does that help?

 

Journal:

 

I really have to figure out where I'm going.  I have no idea what to do.  This isn't working.

 

Today was pretty rough.  Tonight has been the worst I have had in months.  I don't know how I will deal with the daytime.  I'm afraid to take Unisom.  

 

Today my body acted as if I was beginning my period although it started a week ago.  All the cramps in my gut, a lot of time in the bathroom, the despair in my head, the fatigue, the lack of appetite, the confusion, the irritation, the anxiety.  I have backed off on the magnesium because I was so tired of having diarrhea every single day.  I'm afraid of Akathisia coming back, but it happened even if I took magnesium.  I'm worried that it will be worse Akathisia without the magnesium.  So, I'm taking just a little.  Today, I forgot.  

 

I went for my 4 mile walk today.  I ate plenty.  We got home very late from my MIL's.  It was 8:30 when we got home.  I spent more time in the bathroom and I fell asleep about 9:30.  So, I've had 3 hours of sleep.  I have to get up in 1 hour.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment

@Rabe Good to hear your story and God Bless you. Look how far you have come! Wonderful! 

 

@Rosetta Please don't fret. You will get things figured out. My dad is still alive and lives 5 minutes from me. I have taken care of him for the past 10 years until I became ill from this withdrawal. I started paying someone to drive him to and from his dialysis appts. I am able to go back to doing it now, but I am choosing not too. The person I am paying is doing a great job and I don't need the extra stress. 

 

I am not quite sure how I came to the decision to forgive my dad. It just sort of happened with my strong faith. I am a true believer that there are no chance happenings and that things happen for a reason. I believe we learn and gain so much from each journey. I also think we can be taken down by each journey, but, we can't let that happen. There are always 2 ways to look at any situation. I have always chose the most positive one. Not saying that is easy to do, because many times it is not. The universe and the energy around us, brings us what we believe and how we react. I am not saying that everyone should be this way. I am just giving my view of how I got to where I am with forgiveness. Also, I believe you can forgive, however, you never forget. So forgiving does not necessarily mean you throw your arms around that person and slather on the kisses. It can just mean that you are ready to move on and you accept what has been and you move forward, never to let it control you. 

 

You are a wonderful person. Have faith and all will come to you when it is right for you. 

 

Hugs and blessings to you friend. 

Started Wellbutrin 300xl mid July, 2009. Stopped Wellbutrin 300xl cold turkey May 8, 2017

Started having symptoms started June 2, 2017. Started Wellbutrin 150xl July 7, 2017

Started Remeron 15mg August 15, 2017. Increased Remeron to 30mg October 4, 2017

Increased Wellbutrin to 300xl November 24, 2017. Lowered Wellbutrin 300xl back to 150xl January 8, 2018

Started weaning off of Remeron 30mg. Cut to 22.25mg January 11, 2018

Cut Remeron to 15mg January 18, 2018 Cut Remeron to 7.5mg January 25, 2018

Cut Remeron to 3.5mg January 30,2018. Stopped taking Remeron February 1, 2018

Currently taking: Fish Oil, Magnesium, Calcium, Vit D, Progesterone,

Hormone Replacement Pellets-Estrogen Testosterone 

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5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I thought I was doing a good thing.  I'm very sorry.

 

5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I really have to figure out where I'm going.  I have no idea what to do.  This isn't working.

 

What do yo mean Rosetta?

 I am going to trust for you that right now you are right where you are meant to be though it may not feel like it....

You are ok Rosetta and you will continue to be ok...I promise you that.  You will get through all of this...we all will...but I would never make it alone.  The past couple days have been difficult...lots of dredged up feelings and forgotten things...but that's ok too.  The light on them is helpful in many ways.

 

How great you got a 4 mile walk in!!!  And to your MIL's.  That is great! I need to but it is so hot and more storms on the way.  May head to the store and walk around there.

Im sorry about your sleep...I know that will get better in the days ahead as well...it always seems to for you.

 

Know that I have and will continue to hold you in my heart and send hugs!!!!💜 

 

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment

@mirage Thank you for sharing mirage....wonderful!💜

-Nardil 1976 < year, stopped. React to AD's. Klonopin .5BID 1990, 2.5mg til 2016

-Klonopin doubled Jan '16. Taper to 2.25mg May to Nov '16. Bad react to Lexapro, stop. React to Prevacid too, taper off. 

-November '16 Tapered .25mg Klonopin in hospital. Jan '17 started Viibryd, 20mg from Feb to June '17,     

-20mg to 10mg Viibryd from 3/25 to 6/10 2017, 12/15 10% Viibryd taper...back up next day

-Clonazepam 2mg to 1.85mg 4/14 '17 to end November; taper to 1mg Clonazepam in hospital 9/1 tp 9/14 '17

-Feb '18 Amiloride .25mg  5/18 off Amiloride d/t react. Clonaz compounded  

-4/27 '18 Viibryd 9.5mg, 6/11 9.0 mg, 1/27 '19 Viibryd 8.75mg, ; Clonazepam .2mg 530pm and .7mg 1130pm, Premarin .3mg 830PM CARAFATE QID 2/27/19 to 3/5/19

-July 6'19 1/2 10mg Claritin 230pm, stopped it about July 18, started Oct 11 '19, 

-7/27 Viibryd 8.5, 8/29 8.25, 10/24 8.0, 12/19 7.75, Feb '20 7.50, 3/20 7.25, 5/20 7.0, 6/20 6.75, 7/20 6.5, 8/20 6.25, 10/2 20 6.0, 11/25'20 5.75, 1/9/21 5.5, 2/23 5.25

-1015 AM Viibryd, vit D 4,000IU 130, 415 Clonazepam .2mg, 815 Premarin .3mg, 1015 Clonaz .7mg,

  1115 3t fish oil+D 1145 Castor Oil 650mg(4) 1230 Carafate 1/2GM,Methylated B Vit  1/week,Reacted Mag prn

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Rabe said:

What do yo mean Rosetta?

 

Maybe I should have said "I don't know what I'm going to do."  I don't know where my life is going.  Being in this holding pattern is very bad for me.

 

I am confused.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I want to plant flowers outside, but we can't waste money on water.  Still no movement on the well -- the water pollution lawyer won't sign off on our permit.  He just "can't get around to it." I could spend hours fixing the dead landscaping in the yard IF I had the water (AND the consistent brain power, that is.). I bought bulbs that will provide flowers in the Spring.  I'm waiting on a cooler day to plant them.  I feel that I'm wasting time.  That's a poor description, but it's the best I can do.  I have always had a goal to work toward.  Being on hold is very hard for me.  

 

I'm having a very difficult time being on SA right now.  It is making me very sad.

 

Am I bored?  I know I'm lonely.  Being with other people is very hard.  I get over stimulated.  It's as if their voices hurt me.  Reading something someone wrote doesn't do that.  I may have emotions come up when I read things, and that can change my mood but chit chat is very difficult for a different reason.  It feels like an assault.  I'm exhausted by it.  Maybe I feel that I'm multi-tasking.  My mind is doing its own thing and then someone interrupts me with a question.  Questions -- out loud -- really bother me.  Questions in writing do not.

 

My mind won't leave me alone.  I need to keep it occupied.  It's easier during the day, much easier, but the nights are awful.  There is so much disorder in my head.  I suppose there are intrusive thoughts that keep interrupting my thoughts.  They are about sad things.  It's relentless.  I cried for hours last night.

 

I fell asleep about 6:30 a.m. after being awake from 12:15 a.m. onward.  I didn't get up this morning except for about 15 minutes to braid my daughter's hair.  At 5:30 this morning she woke up alone.  I went to her, and she tossed and turned for an hour but didn't go back to sleep.  Finally she got up, and I slept for an hour until 7:30.  I slept 2 more hours from 8-11 with 3-4 cortisol spikes.  I suppose it's an improvement that I slept after 8:00 at all.  I'm surprised that was possible.  

 

Now, I need to get ready to pick her up.  She will have homework, and then we go to the zoo so that I can take a long walk.  There has been no time for that today.  I got up too late.  

 

 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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