Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Elyssa143 Elyssa. You will heal.  It’s a long journey to endure for some of us.  I really appreciate your note to me.  Tons of love and light to you, too! -Rosetta

 

@almuPA @gentlehermione @PhoenixmamaThanks for your posts, all of you.  I feel so lonely at times, and I love to see just a sentence or a couple of emojis.  I have very, very few friends, and those I have must be struggling because unless I reach out, I hear nothing.  I didn’t even get a birthday call last year, but I never make those calls either, so it’s no surprise.  I’m still putting one foot in front of the other many days.  Unless my child is involved, I never see anyone.  I never expected to live this way.  I had plans fora full life, but I need to want what I have, and I know I’m very lucky to have had support through these 5 years of incapacity.  
 

@Lilabella Nice to meet you.  Thank you for your post.  I hope you can get through this a little better because of SA.  I’m so grateful that Altostrata created this site and does the hard, hard work of managing it with the help of the Mods.

[gentlehermione]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I feel so lonely at times, and I love to see just a sentence or a couple of emojis.

 

@Rosetta I think feeling so lonely is part of WD. Also the lack of normal social contact due to the pandemic has just exacerbated an already difficult experience 😒

 

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I’m still putting one foot in front of the other many days.

 

Me, too. We just have to keep on plodding along with hope in our hearts.

 

Here's a quote from Oliver Sacks, an eminent neurologist, naturalist and writer. It inspires me to count my blessings.

 

"My predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved. I have been given much and I have given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure."

 

Warmest wishes, GH 🥰

[gentlehermione]

9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I’m so grateful that Altostrata created this site and does the hard, hard work of managing it with the help of the Mods.

 

Indeed!! Where would we be without their help, guidance and reassurance? 💖

[LizzieTish]

Hi @Rosetta. I hope you're feeling better soon. You are loved! Sending you hugs and prayers from New Hampshire, USA. 💗😇🤗

[Mimi79]

Hi @Rosetta,

Sorry for your last difficult days, but in the other hand, congratulations for your five years accomplishment. You are a real inspiration for me, a guide in this tough part of my life. 
Thank you for being there for all of us.

Have a nice week.

 

Marie 

[Mimi79]

Hi dear Rosetta,

I was searching some information about Dimenhydrinate and I read something you wrote last year about the effect of Benadryl. Benadryl and Gravol are a bit similar, so maybe you can enlighten me.

I took last night half a pill of Dimenhydrinate and today, I feel so awful, I cannot describe it. It is like mixture of anxiety, nervousness, some mild agitation. I just feel pretty bad in my head, almost if I have a pressure on my head. 
Do you think it can be caused by this tiny pill of Gravol? I didn’t have any issue with that before. 
Thank you so much!!

[Rosetta]

@Mimi79 It could be, but it could be coincidence, as well.  I think that depending on the particular configuration of the brain at any moment, almost any drug can cause an adverse reaction.  Even our bodies’ reactions to natural processes can be problematic — allergies, menses, changing of the seasons.  The hormones and various chemical reactions that go on in our bodies are very complex, intersecting, and ethereal.  Prior to WD, we experienced differences in how we felt that were not very troubling often, and we thought nothing of it.  Now, if the result feels negative in any way, we are fearful.  How long will it last?  How intense will it get?  What caused this?  How can I avoid it?  I ask myself those questions a lot.

 

Anything we do to our nervous systems can result in a push back.  The rebound effect.  Over correction on the part of the body in response to a drug.

 

I had dystonia a few days ago. I had it again last night after getting some upsetting news.  Yet, I doubt the two are linked. It was less string through the night,  Today I have dystonia, strongly, all up and down my right side.  I have been feeling fearful, waiting for the other shoe to drop for days now.  Did I do anything to cause this?   I don’t know.  I’ve had hot flashes in the night and during the day.  I’ve had a few fearful wake ups.  Yesterday, I had the feeling that I was living in a war zone.  I know this will go away.  I just have to wait.  It’s going to be ok.

[Sheera]

Thinking of you. ❤️ Look how far you’ve come…❤️❤️

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

So sorry to hear you have dystonia at the moment, sending hugs your way🤗

[Kara2302]

Hello Rosetta 🙂, 

 

I was Reading, That you also react to Pollen since WD? 
 

My WD got worse in Spring everythime - its pollen season in germany. I dont have an allergy 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dont get allergy Symptoms, but my anxitiy and other Symptoms became sooo much worse  oh and diarrea… 

 

I am so fearfull about that … does this got better for you ? 

Are you already healed From WD?

 

Thank you❤️‍🩹 

 

Love, 

kara 

[Erell]

Hello Rosetta, 
How are you doing these days ?
Thinking of you !

[Believer]

Hi Rosetta,

Thinking about you. I hope you are doing well.

Believer

[Ariel]

Hello @Rosetta

I'm new here and have been reading through your thread. I am sorry for the adversity and pain you have suffered.

You do such a great job of conveying the complexity of the withdrawal and psych drug experience. Thank you for your invaluable contributions. It's very helpful to read about your journey, not least your descriptions of how the drugs affected you while you were on them. I certainly relate to how one's thinking and behaviors can change beyond recognition. 

Thank you for your generosity, honesty, courage, wisdom, kindness. You are a source of inspiration and light. You are so strong!

With my respect and gratitude,

A.

[Rosetta]

Anhedonia
 

I wrote this to someone about anhedonia:

 

I remember well anhedonia.  One would not think that “not caring” could be so distressing!  But, of course, “not caring” is a gross over-simplification of the state of anhedonia.  It is truly miserable, and I want you to know that it will end.  None of these states last.  They morph and change and become something else.  

 

The balance will be found, eventually.  Please have faith in that — except that being anhedonic is often felt as faithlessness, and therein lies the rub, doesn’t it?  The light is very hard to see from that state, but please believe me that it is there!  Rely on the faith of others when yours is obscured.  Try to remember, this is temporary.  Ignore the thought that it is not and focus on anything else that you can.  

 

I found that having a physical experience helped with anhedonia.  Heating pads — I’m always on about the heating pads, aren’t I?  A hot shower, a hot drink, a cold drink, Icy Hot or Tiger Balm, yoga, stretching, etc.  You won’t want to do anything, you won’t believe anything will help, but just do something!  Then, do something else.  Try to stimulate your physical senses when your brain feels dull.  Don’t expect too much, but keep trying.

Rosetta

[Rosetta]

I have a had a wave. It was mild compared to before.  I’ve been struggling to do what I need to do for a week or so now.  There’s been some dystonia, and I’ve been anxious a bit (nothing like before).  The anxiety last hours, not days.  I have awakened with cortisol spikes, feeling scared, and feeling as if the world is closing in on me.  This happens right after I fall asleep, in the middle of the night or in the early morning — just as it used to.  

In the day, I feel ok, but I’m not motivated to do much of anything.  Then, I may have a creative thought or I want to go for a walk.  So, I did one day.  I took my daughter to the beach one day with the dog.  I took the dog and my daughter to ride her bike at the lake another day.  I was so depleted of energy after that outing that I had to sit down.  I couldn’t get dinner made, but that’s what cereal is for, right?
 

My husband and daughter have noticed this wave, and I noticed, too.  I have not been irrational angry much.   I have had a lot of hot flashes this week — night and day.  Then, last night, I had insomnia for a while, but few hot flashes.  I think I fell asleep around 1:00 a.m. perhaps, and I was awake at about 6.  This was particularly troubling: my mind was racing last night, I was remembering things from my past, and I was wound up.  That used to mean I was in fir a long night and rough day the next day.    It did not turn out that way.  
 

Oh, and I had some thoughts that maybe I would like to have a sex life, lol.  That’s pretty rare!  I think menopause is intersecting with residual WD healing.  My

life is so boring! But that’s ok; it’s not wracked with acute PAWS every day all day.  It’s not anhedonia style boring.

I’m fine.  I know this is temporary, mild, and I have no fears of going into a deep wave.

 

Thank you to those who have repiten on my thread.  I’m sorry I may not have responded either on your threads or here.  I’m trying to be more present in my family members lives.  But thanks @Ariel @Believer @Kara2302 @Carmie @Sheera  So nice to hear from you!

 

My daughter is doing well, and being asked to participate in various activities at school, excelling in her sport, and getting good grades.  Despite the rocky last 5 years, she’s ok 11 years after my OB switched my AD and destroyed my brain and nervous system.  I’m frequently sad to have not experienced those years as I would have wished, and I desperately want my toddler back sometimes, but I’m glad my little girl is more or less ok.

[persistente]

Great to read you are doing so much better!

[persistente]

On 4/21/2022 at 7:05 PM, Ariel said:

Hello @Rosetta

I'm new here and have been reading through your thread. I am sorry for the adversity and pain you have suffered.

You do such a great job of conveying the complexity of the withdrawal and psych drug experience. Thank you for your invaluable contributions. It's very helpful to read about your journey, not least your descriptions of how the drugs affected you while you were on them. I certainly relate to how one's thinking and behaviors can change beyond recognition. 

Thank you for your generosity, honesty, courage, wisdom, kindness. You are a source of inspiration and light. You are so strong!

With my respect and gratitude,

A.

I can only say the same.

[Ariel]

Hi @Rosetta

Good to read your update. I'm sorry to hear the seas have been wavy of late. 

 

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I couldn’t get dinner made, but that’s what cereal is for, right?

 

This made me smile. You got it. Every chance to take the pressure off ourselves. 

 

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I’m fine.  I know this is temporary, mild, and I have no fears of going into a deep wave.

 

Hear, hear. When I'm feeling shaky I will borrow this to say to myself. Like today. 

 

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Oh, and I had some thoughts that maybe I would like to have a sex life, lol.  That’s pretty rare!

 

The past month I've been watching a tv series and a few times have found myself feeling attracted to some of the actors. It's the closest I've felt to anything resembling desire in years. It surprised me and kinda made me giggle. There's something funny about lusting for a movie star, made me feel young again. I welcome any experience that reminds me I'm alive, be it feeling sad or frisky. It is springtime after all. 

 

Thank you for posting and sharing. 

A.

 

 

 

[Phoenixmama]

💜

[gentlehermione]

@Rosetta glad to hear you're hanging in there. It really is a waiting game, isn't it?

 

Onwards and upwards 😉🥰

[Rosetta]

Putting this here to save it for myself:

 

To UC Irvine researchers:

 

I would like to see research into two very troubling aspects of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome: 1) adverse reactions after reinstating an AD at the original dose and 2) adverse reactions upon increasing or decreasing the dose (which frequently occurs after reaching tolerance on the previous dose.)  I believe that these reactions are very common causes of SUICIDE with or without resulting akathisia.  
 

I fear that you are chasing your own tails with the research you are currently conducting.  Perhaps it is a first step you must take, but I would not expect too much in the way of finding solutions.  If you do not delve deeply into these matters of stopping, starting, decreasing, increasing and switching ADs, you will not see any solutions.  
 

Simple AD withdrawal wherein a person quits an AD and never goes back is much less common than withdrawal followed by reinstatement and the patient can end up in a state that is very similar, if not identical, to withdrawal syndrome nonetheless.  This is because of faulty, dangerous, and ill-advised reinstatements — overdoses —overseen by MDs.  That is the key to this scourge.
 

First time CTs or fast tapers can, at times, do far less harm than repeated stops and starts, excessive increases in dose and reinstatements conducted with essentially zero research-backed procedures for safe reinstatement.
 

You are all aware of the need to carefully monitor a person who has just started an AD.  You have known this for many, many years.  In the late 90’s, my friend’s mother hung herself within in the first six (6) weeks of taking an AD.  I remember how shocked and angry he was that “patient confidentiality” prevented him from being aware that he needed to save her although he knew she was in treatment and taking ADs.  Neither he nor his father were ever told that the first few months were a dangerous time.  They found out afterward because the doctors knew, had known, and failed to warn her family.

The same goes for any change in dose — up, down, reinstatement.  In fact, reinstatement of an AD is as dangerous as reinstatement of heroin.  While death is not as immediate nor as likely, the resulting disability and increased likelihood of eventual, untimely, self-inflicted death can be very much the same (and is wholly unnecessary! A doctor is involved and prescribing the dose, for Heaven’s sake, but that is of no use to far too many patients.)
 

How many die from reinstating an AD at the original dose after cessation for a period of weeks?  How many lose their jobs, get divorced, lose their children, become homeless?  How many lose everything they have to live for because of this ignorance on the part of doctors and PCs?  They are handing out a drug that causes dependence, abstinence syndrome and long term post-acute withdrawal syndrome, but they know nothing of overdose dangers.  Nothing.

How hard would it be to study and prove via peer reviewed journal publications that the dose matters greatly when reinstating after a period of abstinence?  How many more people, both average and celebrity types, have to die from “mental illness,” “depression,” and “anxiety,” from which they “have suffered for much their lives.”  They died from malpractice, not depression.  They died from a drug overdose.

 

I am speaking from personal experience.  I had a baby, and the very next day my citalopram was discontinued and replaced with 10 mg of Sertraline.  The response to my adverse reaction was more sertraline - for 5 years — over and over again ver again — up to 150 mg.  The fact that I am alive today is astounding.  
 

I have no doubt that adverse reactions to medications are frequently the cause of “surprise suicides.”  Over and over, I see people claim that a loved one was holding on, perhaps getting better, and the person’s medication was being “adjusted.”  “Out of the blue” the person committed suicide, and it was a surprise to everyone, including the doctor, therapist, etc.  Having been through literally 30 years of medical malpractice via antidepressants, I have been suddenly overcome with the need to suicide many, many times.  From the very first AD in 1990, my suicidal tendencies increased in frequency and intensity.  I thought it was my brain, my body, my “chemistry” that was driving these episodes, thoughts, needs, and fears. I thought that these intense, sudden, terrifying urges to suicide were because of a “relapse,” “the original condition” and a “chemical imbalance” — all hogwash that the pharmaceutical companies feed to gullible doctors who have every reason to know better.  There was certainly a chemical imbalance - caused by the AD.
 

Now that I have been off of ADs (and all the other prescriptions given to treat what I now know were adverse effects of ADs) for five (5) years, I no longer have the need to die.  I do not think that fact is a coincidence.

 

It is very frustrating to see you tell us that you are incapable of fashioning a survey that covers all aspects of antidepressant withdrawal so this was the best that you could do.  I suspect very strongly that your current research project is unlikely to give you the answers you seek.  You include many different drugs in your list as if they are all the same.  Simply changing the dose is a risk; changing the drug is often devastating.  You are comparing apples to oranges to bananas and then to things that are not even fruits.  
 

I encourage you to look into research on heroin withdrawal and subsequent overdose.  Try to understand how and why the health of heroin addicts who repeatedly relapse while attempting to recover parallels the trajectory of the descent into disability experienced by long term patients on anti-depressants who have quit ADs, reinstated, been deprescribed one drug and prescribed another, had their doses raised and lowered — essentially prescribed into PAWS, akathisia, disability, and death.
 

****You cannot take a group of people who took dependency-forming drugs called ADs and consider them a homogenous group when the number of times a particular patient started and stopped the drug was a KEY factor in whether or not they developed withdrawal symptoms.****  You cannot consider them a homogenous group when the number of times a particular patient started and stopped the drug was a KEY factor in how SEVERE their PAWS would be.  You cannot ignore the people who reinstated a different AD because the various ADs do not cover for each other, but more importantly, you cannot consider this a homogenous group when whether each of them were overdosed upon reinstatement was a KEY factor in how severe their case of PAWS would be.  
 

You must look at what happens to people after the first CT or fast taper.  What did the doctor prescribe then?  How long did the patient abstain? What was the reinstatement dose? What was the result of that? Does the fact that there are there so few possible doses available in pill format affect the outcome of reinstatement to such a degree that most, if not all, reinstatements result in overdoses? How does the fact that many doctors ignore the usefulness of liquid medications for reinstatement after abstinence affect the usefulness of reinstatement?

 

This syndrome is complicated and yet it is also very simple: heroin users get sicker each time they relapse because they do not have a competent doctor helping them choose a dose for reinstatement when they decide that more heroin or suicide are the only two options.  People suffering from AD withdrawal who are diagnosed with relapse of “depression or anxiety” do not have a COMPETENT doctor helping them choose a dose for reinstatement.  Chills, the inability to regulate body temperature, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, and several other symptoms of autonomic nervous system disorder such as loss of appetite and exercise intolerance are signs of street drug withdrawal, AD withdrawal AND adverse reactions to overdoses on reinstatement of ADs.  That — prescribed overdose of ADs after abstinence is your blockbuster research project, if you dare.

[Ariel]

@Rosetta

 

Thank you so much for sharing your fierce letter. 

 

Your words blaze with righteous anger; reading them feels like being purified by fire. Kali energy! Burn it to the ground, baby

 

This is such powerful work. Wow!

 

How do you feel?  

 

Thank you for the healing dragon breath. I warm myself by its heat and am energized by its light. 

 

Rage on <3

[Faure]

What a passionate letter. I hope you get an appropriate response, or failing that it plants a seed. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 5/8/2022 at 10:21 AM, Rosetta said:

The fact that I am alive today is astounding.

Yes and yes: me too. Great letter, @Rosetta.

[Phoenixmama]

🙌🙌🙌

[Fightinghard]

Hey Rosetta-  I just caught up on your progress. Looks like you’re moving along and doing well!  Great to see!   I’m happy for you.  By the way,  What a great letter. 
 

I’ve been quite lately here as I’ve slowly been making progress.  I think my aka is calming down with the usually windows and waves.  Truly I’m not sure I would even call it aka anymore as my need to move and the restlessness have reduced a lot. I’m still easily stimulated and this can be uncomfortable.   I wanted to get your opinion based on your recovery.  Did you find that after you did something stimulating like for example go to a birthday party with your daughter, that you may end up with increased symptoms?  But then things seemed to improve?  So the next party was easier?   I think I’m experiencing this?  Things like driving and walking are usually easy.  Tv is better. It’s strange because I’ll do things, feel worse but then next time I do them is a little bit easier.  I’ve been trying to just live normally within reason.  Going to my kids events and games, etc. I think it helps?  I’d be curious to see what you experienced.  To be clear though, I’m not saying go to a concert and expect to be better in a week. Thanks!  Best to you!

[Rosetta]

Update:

 

I’m going out and doing things pretty regularly now.  Sometimes I hide for day or two.  I don’t want to miss my daughter’s activities.  It’s important to make memories with her.
 

There was a time when I pushed myself too much, I’m sure, but my daughter remembers me being there.  I remember some of those days, too.  I’m still struggling with becoming overwhelmed when I’m out.  It happens less often than before, but I rarely see it coming, and I can’t prepare for it very well.  It’s a flash anger kind of thing, and it dissipates much more quickly than before.   So, I just go as often as I can, and I rarely regret it.  
 

This weekend, Saturday was a big day.  My daughter had two events, and I was pretty stressed driving in traffic between the two.  She was nervous about the second event, and the GPS was acting up.  Someone in the parking lot was impatient.  I kinda ranted for a bit, and feel bad about it.  She needed my support, but I was distracted and irritated.  I suppose providing emotional support while driving in Saturday traffic is a tall order for most people.  
 

She rocked both events winning top awards at both!  One was a routine type of thing, a sport, and she’s been to several of the meets.  However, on Saturday, she finally won a first place medal.  The other event, in the afternoon, was much more special.  It was for a creative pursuit, and she won an award for making an animation.  I guess I have given her enough, despite my limitations over the last 5-6 years, that she could succeed that day.  I could not have done that without my husband, of course, but it’s really great to see that we helped her grow to this point even though I was so severely compromised for so many of her formative years.

[Carmie]

On 6/7/2022 at 4:03 PM, Rosetta said:

Update:

 

I’m going out and doing things pretty regularly now.  Sometimes I hide for day or two.  I don’t want to miss my daughter’s activities.  It’s important to make memories with her.
 

There was a time when I pushed myself too much, I’m sure, but my daughter remembers me being there.  I remember some of those days, too.  I’m still struggling with becoming overwhelmed when I’m out.  It happens less often than before, but I rarely see it coming, and I can’t prepare for it very well.  It’s a flash anger kind of thing, and it dissipates much more quickly than before.   So, I just go as often as I can, and I rarely regret it.  
 

This weekend, Saturday was a big day.  My daughter had two events, and I was pretty stressed driving in traffic between the two.  She was nervous about the second event, and the GPS was acting up.  Someone in the parking lot was impatient.  I kinda ranted for a bit, and feel bad about it.  She needed my support, but I was distracted and irritated.  I suppose providing emotional support while driving in Saturday traffic is a tall order for most people.  
 

She rocked both events winning top awards at both!  One was a routine type of thing, a sport, and she’s been to several of the meets.  However, on Saturday, she finally won a first place medal.  The other event, in the afternoon, was much more special.  It was for a creative pursuit, and she won an award for making an animation.  I guess I have given her enough, despite my limitations over the last 5-6 years, that she could succeed that day.  I could not have done that without my husband, of course, but it’s really great to see that we helped her grow to this point even though I was so severely compromised for so many of her formative years.

You’re doing amazing Rosetta🧡

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Carmie

[Mimi79]

Hi Rosetta,

I am so happy to read your last post. It gives me hope that the last 3 years won’t have a too bad impact on my daughters life.

Thank you for reminding me.

Marie

[Carmie]

Just popping in to say hi Rosetta, 

 

Hope you’re having more lovely times with your daughter. 
 

Do you know what happened to Rabe? Do you know how she is? 
 

Sending big hugs🤗🧡

[Rosetta]

@Mimi79 My daughter is doing very well.  She had great year at school, and her Summer is going well.  You are going to be fine, and she will, too.  You love her, and you are being a good mom.  Whatever your difficulties, that’s what is most important.

 

So, in my opinion, we are doing better than my mother did.  Our children will be loved, and they will know they are loved.  We may have down days, we may be very cranky, we might say the wrong thing, but I always apologize, and I always tell her when I have not responded properly.  I explain that it’s not her fault, that my illness is not an excuse, and that I will try to do better.  I’m very clear about what I did wrong.  Fortunately, I don’thave to do that very often these days.

 

Some of the parents when I was growing up were very hands off including my biological mother.  She put herself first, every time, except when it was advantageous to pretend she cared - to put on a show.  I wasn’t the only kid to experience that, but it was pretty rough.  Other parents at least gave their kids food and spending money even if they were too interested in their own lives to pay much attention to their kids.
 

My mother was very manipulative, especially with my grandparents.  It seemed that they had no idea.  I think a lot of other people saw through her, but not them.  She dated men, and if they liked me, and wanted me around, she was jealous.  If one if them didn’t want me around, I was at home alone.  Some of them liked me a little too much.  
 

My grandfather cut my mom off, financially, when I was 14.  It was awful for me.  He gave me a little money, but it wasn’t enough.  I had to catch rides from other parents to activities.  I was left without a ride several times when she just didn’t pick me up.  That made the coaches angry.
 

If I asked for something, my grandfather would buy it for me, but I was afraid to ask for too much, and I had no idea where that line was.  He was always so angry at my mother for spending money she did not have.  I felt very confused and uncertain about what I should have.  The basic message, intentional or not, was that I should have nothing beyond the bare necessities, but I didn’t even have that.   He had struggled through the Great Depression.  His perspective was very skewed, and the inflation of the 70s did not help that much.  I didn’t have enough lunch money to have meat for lunch except one day a week.  There was no food at home to take to school.  I had to eat a bag of chips and a candy bar every other day of the week in order to save enough to have meat on Friday.  I don’t know why it did not occur to me to ask my grandfather for money for food, but I think he would have been willing to pay for me to eat in the cafeteria.  My best friend didn’t want to do that, and I really needed that time with her everyday.
 

Our phone was cut off, our electricity was cut off, over and over, and I was the problem kid in my school activities because I had no phone.  My mother blamed me for growing out of my clothes, for costing her money, for pretty much everything that went wrong in her life.

 

There were a couple of female teachers who were very ugly to me.  I didn’t know until I was a Senior in high school that the other teachers liked me.  They gave me an award.  Can you imagine how being told that they liked me would have changed everything for those 4 years?  What kind of self esteem would I have had if they had not waited until the last month of school?  I was so surprised to get the character award!
 

My mother was given lithium after I was born.  She was bulimic throughout the pregnancy.   I guess lithium was the solution to everything at that time.  I weighed 4 lbs. 8 oz. at birth.  I lived with my grandparents and her until I was 8.  Then they let her take me 30 minutes away to live with her.  After she married an alcoholic when I was 10, I didn’t get to see my grandparents very much.  After she divorced him a year later, she became a real nightmare.  I wasn’t taught anything that I did not learn in school.  I was alone a lot.  She tried to drive my friends away.  Very few boys ever tried to date me, but if one did, she drove him away.
 

My mother was anorexic and bulimic.  She didn’t feed me, and she barely bought food for the house.  She would eat at a restaurant without me everyday.  I didn’t learn to cook, of course, except from the back of the box of Mac n cheese.  Sometimes, I had to try to get invited to my friends houses for dinner.  One time, a friend’s mother told me that she didn’t have enough food for me to stay.  She had 4 kids, and not much money.  
 

My mother asked me to co-sign for a car when I was 18.  I hadn’t graduated from high school yet.  I had no job, but my friend’s dad, who owned a dealership, thought that if I co-signed, my grandfather would pay off the car if my mother didn’t.  My grandfather did not do that.  My mother let the car run out of oil, and the engine was ruined.  My credit was ruined.  Then, my grandfather helped me build it up.  He sent me to college.  My mother refused to do her taxes early enough for me to get financial aid.  So, at 18, I finally could eat.  I could buy things I needed.  I could get haircuts.  I could go to the dentist. I bought my first wool coat that I ever had for the cold Midwest winters.  Did I mention that I walked about a mile and a 1/2 to junior high and high school?  My grandparents never tried to make sure I had the basic needs.  Every single molar I have is filled or capped.  
 

When I was 16, my grandmother had a stroke.  From that point on, my grandfather had even less attention for me.  He needed my help, but I felt very angry with him.  There was no way I was going to sacrifice my future to go back to his town after college.  I hated those people he lived near.  I hated everything about that part of the state.  The misogyny, the racism, the basic hatred for every bit of progress I have ever made . . .  I wasn’t even a minority, but the racism and the classism that goes with it affect everyone.  Granted, that sort of thing is everywhere.  I didn’t know then that I couldn’t run away from it.  
 

To be raised by that type of society with no protection from the people around one, no guidance, and not being told what was wrong and what was right — just learning from one’s own mistakes — is quite problematic.  I’m a perfectionist, a hoarder, and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Adding nortriptyline to the situation when I was 19 only caused more problems.  

 

However, I think that whatever this outrageous malpractice that has been perpetrated on 3 or 4 generations of people does to us, we can raise our children in a good way, a minimum degree of finances permitting.  We can love them, and make sure they know they are loved by the way we treat them, and pay attention to them, and are there for them.  We might even be better parents because we are stuck at home a lot.  
 

Don’t give up hope when a wave comes.  My daughter probably will never take drugs because I have been very clear with her about what happened to me.  She understands, as much as she can at her age, that drugs have unintended consequences and doctors cannot be trusted.  They don’t pay attention, they have no idea what they are doing, and they are really just licensed drug pushers — salespeople for the pharmaceutical companies.  Even the gold ones can’t escape the machine in which they work.

 

Hi, @Carmie  I don’t know what happened to @Rabe.  I’m very sad about that.  I hope you are well?  I should pop over to your thread.

 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Dear brilliant @Rosetta

I have just read your most recent post and feel deeply moved by what you have shared. 

My heart goes out to you and your inner child. I want to give you a big hug and hold you close and protect you. 

You have been through so much. I am bowled over by your courage, strength, intelligence, wisdom, and not least your fierce commitment to mothering your daughter with your whole heart and giving her the very best of you. I have complete confidence in you. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your pain. I appreciate your honesty and generosity in sharing your experience in the name of healing both individual and collective.

I hold space for your experience and extend my solidarity and support to you on your continuous healing journey. 

With love and gratitude, 

A. 

 

[Sheera]

@Rosetta

Thinking of you and your journey as a mom. I hope you are proud of the way you have been there for your daughter through WD and with your Traumatic history. So much courage I see in you!  Kudos to you for breaking the cycle. Much love and healing ❤️

[Rosetta]

Thank you @Ariel  I appreciate your thoughts very much.  That you took time to share them means so much to me.

 

@Sheera Thank you.  Seeing your message helps a lot with feelings that are, thankfully, not as sharp as they once were, but still there, nonetheless.

[Faure]

Dear @Rosetta, thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is heartbreaking and I am so sorry you were so unvalued, neglected and abused as a child. The stories people tell on here are enough to put together in a book that could make such a difference to so many people. Childhood experiences, abuse and neglect, experiences with anti depressants, withdrawal, illness and strength in coping with IT ALL.  Your daughter will never feel any of those things you felt, with such a strong loving mother in her life, even if you haven’t always been able to be exactly the mother you wanted to be, she knows she is loved, nurtured, supported and valued. And you have taught her so much about coping with life / feelings / emotions. You have done an amazing job of getting through the past 10 years (is it?) of PAWS.  I’m so happy for you that you are finally starting to enjoy life again ❤️