Jump to content
Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

Recommended Posts

Rosetta
50 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

If I were you, I’d feel really encouraged. 

Thanks, D.  Maybe I should.  I do not like feeling so out of control.  Feeling angry is particularly scary for me.  But, I am getting a break from the misery, and I am going to take the risk of doing something outside today.  I always feel the sword of Dabocles there.

Share this post


Link to post
Downbutnotout
7 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, D.  Maybe I should.  I do not like feeling so out of control.  Feeling angry is particularly scary for me.  But, I am getting a break from the misery, and I am going to take the risk of doing something outside today.  I always feel the sword of Dabocles there.

You’re lucky you’re getting a break from your misery.

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine
6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Yesterday I had normal emotions all day, then anger at bedtime, then I awoke with abject fear in the dead of night.  It was as if I were having cortisol awakening in the dark.  I was so anxious I went to my husband for comfort.  Then, after I fell asleep next to him, I had the normal emotions (with a pounding heart) when my daughter's crying woke me up later.  I woke up in the morning feeling normal with no cortisol, no anxiety, no depression, and -- for the first time -- no bruxism nor dystonia.

 

I wish I could find a topic about this matter of emotions very rapidly changing over the course of less than a day.  I want to believe it means something good, but it feels quite scary.

Hey Rosetta,  I just wish I could give you a big hug.  When you feel angry is it linked to thoughts that make you feel angry? Or is it mainly that chemical rage feeling that builds up? I only ask because I suffer from both and find the two very distinct from each other. Since decreasing the Prozac I'm finding many memories are surfacing..stuff that I thought was long buried..stuff that makes me feel very angry.  On the other hand I get this irritability which builds inside me which shifts to angers/rage but it isn't attached to a negative experience or memory..it feels purely chemical.  It is scary.  Being on an emotional roller coaster everyday is scary.  I think what you are experiencing is healing. You are experiencing many purely positive symptom changes as well.  You are going to be okay my friend. Much Love K xo

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
7 minutes ago, Kristine said:

 I think what you are experiencing is healing. You are experiencing many purely positive symptom changes as well.  You are going to be okay my friend. Much Love K xo

 

Oh, I hope so!  I think so, too, but I lose faith when I have intense anxiety.   That optimism I felt a few weeks ago has faded for some reason.  I do hope I can get it back.  I'm looking into changing my diet.  It's difficult to find the energy and the focus when I'm having erratic moods, but I think it would help.  I don't think my blood sugar is well regulated.  I'm worried that the meds damaged some part of that system.

 

I threw the cat out in the rain last night, poor thing.  I would not have done that before WD.  She makes my nights miserable.  She claws at the carpet under my door if she's not outside.  If she's in the room, she does not give up until she's under the covers right next to my body heating my world like a little furnace.  Last night, she was making biscuits on my leg and purring loudly.  All things I would have found endearing before the switch to Zoloft.  I wanted to scream.  I think about taking her to a no-kill shelter often.  She's been with over 5 years. This isn't me.  This is the opposite of who I was about 7 years ago.  I am so desperate to be myself again.

 

You are so kind.  With all you are going through my problems are child's play.  Thank you for being supportive.  Your ability to do that is amazing.

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
15 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

Oh, I hope so!  I think so, too, but I lose faith when I have intense anxiety.   That optimism I felt a few weeks ago has faded for some reason.  I do hope I can get it back.  I'm looking into changing my diet.  It's difficult to find the energy and the focus when I'm having erratic moods, but I think it would help.  I don't think my blood sugar is well regulated.  I'm worried that the meds damaged some part of that system.

 

I threw the cat out in the rain last night, poor thing.  I would not have done that before WD.  She makes my nights miserable.  She claws at the carpet under my door if she's not outside.  If she's in the room, she does not give up until she's under the covers right next to my body heating my world like a little furnace.  Last night, she was making biscuits on my leg and purring loudly.  All things I would have found endearing before the switch to Zoloft.  I wanted to scream.  I think about taking her to a no-kill shelter often.  She's been with over 5 years. This isn't me.  This is the opposite of who I was about 7 years ago.  I am so desperate to be myself again.

 

You are so kind.  With all you are going through my problems are child's play.  Thank you for being supportive.  Your ability to do that is amazing.

 

The intense anxiety is just crazy isn't it. It sucks the hope right ou of you and makes everything turn negative. It is SO hard, but it has improved a lot for you in the last few months correct? I feel like mine is finally improving as well. 

Share this post


Link to post
RachelSusan

Dave,

 

It's great to hear that you are seeing some improvement.  I think you were suffering the most back in December and perhaps at the beginning of January?  How are you over all compared to that time period?

 

I'm doing ok.  Like I said, it is sort of running in the background of my life, not in the forefront.  I'll be doing a small taper sometime this week. I'll see how that goes.

 

We can do this!!!

 

RS

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
19 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

Dave,

 

It's great to hear that you are seeing some improvement.  I think you were suffering the most back in December and perhaps at the beginning of January?  How are you over all compared to that time period?

 

I'm doing ok.  Like I said, it is sort of running in the background of my life, not in the forefront.  I'll be doing a small taper sometime this week. I'll see how that goes.

 

We can do this!!!

 

RS

 

 

 

I am much better than I was at that time period. When the anxiety hits I find myself doubting the improvement, but it is there and undeniable. I think I may even be slightly better than I was in early to mid December before I mixed up my Paxil with Klonopin and threw this whole thing off. Where you are at is where I am hoping to get, maybe not perfect, but good enough that I can go about my life with this tapering business running in the background. Problem is I would like to taper the Zyprexa 1st, and that looks like a tricky one to taper, but I will figure something out. Don't think I will be looking to taper for another few months at least. 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
22 hours ago, Kristine said:

 When you feel angry is it linked to thoughts that make you feel angry? Or is it mainly that chemical rage feeling that builds up? I only ask because I suffer from both and find the two very distinct from each other. Since decreasing the Prozac I'm finding many memories are surfacing..stuff that I thought was long buried..stuff that makes me feel very angry.  On the other hand I get this irritability which builds inside me which shifts to angers/rage but it isn't attached to a negative experience or memory..it feels purely chemical.  It is scary. 

 

I think it's the chemical rage that builds up, but it's usually triggered by something - overstimulation mainly or being unable to find something or making a mistake.  It's very upsetting because my daughter does what 6 year olds do -- overstimulates me.  I feel terrible when I get angry, and I direct it away from her, but she knows her behavior preceded it.  

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
6 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

I'm doing ok.  Like I said, it is sort of running in the background of my life, not in the forefront.  I'll be doing a small taper sometime this week. I'll see how that goes.

 

So amazing.  I hope to feel ok someday.  

 

6 hours ago, DaveB said:

I am much better than I was at that time period. When the anxiety hits I find myself doubting the improvement, but it is there and undeniable.

 

Wonderful!

Share this post


Link to post
RealMe
22 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I don't think my blood sugar is well regulated.  I'm worried that the meds damaged some part of that system.

Hi Rosetta,

Thank you for your hopeful and positive comment on my thread!  How do you know if your blood sugar is well regulated?  Lately I've been eating a little undisciplined.  I haven't done this for over three years, and I think it is prompted by anxiety.  It feels like hunger but it's more like craving.   I think it's more like I was before AD.  If this erratic or compulsive eating was controlled by the ADs, I am going to have to figure out how to deal with this.

xo RM

Share this post


Link to post
RachelSusan

Rosetta,

 

First please accept my apologies for posting to Dave on your page.  My apologies. I got confused as to what site I was on. Now that we have that out of the way, I want to say hello to you.  Hi.

 

I am in a good place taper wise, however it is not perfect. It just doesn't have me laying on the bathroom floor sweating for hours at a time, I can indeed function. Yes, I do hope you get there, as well as everybody else on this site. I get nervous every time I taper because I never know what will happen. Please keep your fingers crossed for me because I'm doing a taper this week.

 

Rachel

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Today has been very hard.  I'm sure that WD makes pain more intense.  I have a cold, I think.   My headache returned last night, and I slept very poorly.  It's a sinus type headache behind and around the eyes and cheeks with pain in the neck and shoulders.  It's spread evenly, symmetrically instead of focused on the right side.  I was somewhat naseous this morning.  I have no fever.  

 

The kiddo went to school late today.  Oh, well.  I couldn't do anything but lie there, and my husband decided not to rush her.  She was an hour late.  

 

I did have a good day yesterday.  I felt normal although fatigued, as usual.  We went to the zoo, and I enjoyed it.  It was almost like having no WD.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
12 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

Please keep your fingers crossed for me because I'm doing a taper this week.

 

No worries about the posting.  Happy to have you visit.  I'll keep everything crossed for you!

 

@RealMe. My appetite is very low frequently and other times I feel extremely hungry.  I have to force myself to eat sometimes.  Of course, I have no energy for preparing food.  Thanks for dropping by.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today has been very hard.  I'm sure that WD makes pain more intense.  I have a cold, I think.   My headache returned last night, and I slept very poorly.  It's a sinus type headache behind and around the eyes and cheeks with pain in the neck and shoulders.  It's spread evenly, symmetrically instead of focused on the right side.  I was somewhat naseous this morning.  I have no fever.  

 

The kiddo went to school late today.  Oh, well.  I couldn't do anything but lie there, and my husband decided not to rush her.  She was an hour late.  

 

I did have a good day yesterday.  I felt normal although fatigued, as usual.  We went to the zoo, and I enjoyed it.  It was almost like having no WD.

 

A few more notes about today.

 

I forgot to have tea.  I had a cup at about 6:30p.m.  It helped the headache only a little bit.  Overall, I am in quite a bit less pain now than when I woke up this morning.  The headache has moved to the right side again.  My neck muscle was not the focus of the muscle tension until about 7:30 p.m.  Now, the neck muscle tension is more obvious.  

 

There has been very little anxiety today.  I have not felt depression either although I am sad that I can't live a full life.  I have done next to nothing today but feel pain and watch TV.  My daughter played by herself after school and went to gymnastics at 5:00.  She then went to the grocery store with her father.  It's time for bed.  

 

May tomorrow be a better day.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

This is from Gia K:

 

my page on rethinking depression cut and pasted below...it doesn't deny the feelings that get called that at all...but it demythologizes the rush to pathologize

there is no such thing as a monolithic state called depression
 

People often want to believe that depression has some distinct pathology. It does not. Clinical depression is very much a garbage pail term for feeling sh*tty and that may manifest in a large number of ways and have many different combinations of etiologies.

it

Depression is always a mixture of many things…there is no such thing as a monolithic state called depression…the fact that people imagine that is the case, is a problem.

The biggest reason it’s a problem is because psychiatry did a criminal disservice when it created the myth of the chemical imbalance. At best the chemical imbalance theory is a gross reductionism. At worst, people, having been misguided to take drugs that do nothing towards healing their body/minds. While on occasion some people do find some relief the fact remains that these medications can instead gravely harm people and often do. This fact is largely denied by established psychiatry even though there is a lot of documentation now that establishes it as fact. See: What your MD should tell you about SSRI antidepressants
 

Depression also often contains many different feelings. Using a term like “clinical depression” obfuscates the reality. It can be: despair, loneliness, helplessness, melancholy, pain, anguish, discouragement, misery, sorrow, wretchedness, shame…
 

It can also be experienced as complete and total numbness. No conscious sense of any feeling at all. An internal deadness. The term depression obfuscates and distances in this way.

Call depression what it really is: Despair, loneliness, helplessness, melancholy, pain, anguish, discouragement, misery, sorrow, wretchedness, shame…

The term depression obfuscates and distances…it’s meaningless

William Styron also speculates in that piece that his depression was made far more virulent by the psychiatric drugs he was prescribed for sleep. Benzodiazepines are, indeed, notorious for creating dark hell zones.
 

To actually use descriptive terms makes it real. It makes it human. Depression is a clinical term that does nothing but distance us from the pain of others.
 

Here is a list of a few articles and posts on Beyond Meds that might help one consider what is called depression in different ways, because it is not just one thing. It’s always a combination of many things in the life of every individual who gets the label. This is true of all psych diagnosis, actually.

newer first:

And new posts that have been added:

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Why to use magnesium chloride instead of (or in addition to) mag citrate?

See JanCarol's post in this thread:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Well, today was another physically painful day, but less painful than yesterday.  When the pain subsided I felt anxiety.  I'm still feeling it.  I'm attaching it to my daughter and how this WD mess is impacting her.  

 

My daughter's report card came out, and she doing fine, but not excelling at anything.  She's a little behind -- below expectations -- in writing -- "using grammar, punctuation, spelling and using adjectives."  She is 6.  She will be 7 soon.  This is first grade.  So, I think my most appropriate emotion should be anger.  Anger that a first grader has a place on her report card for such activities.  Am I becoming anxious to avoid anger, an emotion that I fear?

 

Symptoms:

very poor sleep last night -- pain

no depression during insomnia

no anxiety during insomnia

Woke up in pain - symmetrical pain, no dystonia

 

Did not take daughter to school or pick her up

Rested all day

Lack of appetite

Forced myself to eat

Anxiety in afternoon

Went for walk at about 5:00

 

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

Hey Rosetta!

 

On 2/10/2018 at 9:50 AM, Rosetta said:

There are a lot of hormonal issues going on with me, I think.  It's hard to imagine this going on for years because I am "of that age."  That worries me.

 

Healthy fats - Omega3's, Medium Chain Triglycerides, are the building blocks of hormones.  Love your nuts, avocados, coconut oils and even healthy meats, and it may help smooth your transitions.

 

On 2/17/2018 at 4:52 PM, Rosetta said:

Sometimes it seems everyone's insane in the U. S.

 

And those of us who don't agree are the ones who are shamed and diagnosed and drugged....1984 and Brave New World had nothing on this!

Even back in the 60's, RD Laing called "mental illness" a healthy reaction to an unhealthy society.

It's really hard to see a way through.

 

I just took a trip to Tasmania, the ends of the ends of the earth.  While I was there, I smelled fresh eucalyptus in the sea breezes, and pine in the deep forest.  Apples were growing by the side of the road, and the roads were lined with blackberry thickets (blackberries are a rarity in Australia, costing $8 for a tiny punnet).  When we got out of the car - "Listen!" - it was silence and birdsong.  Even better was time spent among the trees or by the ocean.

Now that I'm home, I hear the constant hum of electricity, roar of traffic, barking of obnoxious neighbour dogs and the trains rattle through my nervous system like a storm.  Home smells of asphalt and carbon monoxide.  And I live in a green part of Brisbane.  In some ways, I was better off not knowing how noisy and stinky my home is (thanks Tasmania!).

On the plus side - I remember the silence of the birds in Indiana, and the birds here are rowdy, boisterous and quite expressive.  I try to focus on that instead of the dull roar of the "city."  (it's really quite sad, as this city is a small one by American standards, but outdoes itself in traffic and pollution).  And I live in a "village" (suburb, really) North of the City.

Speaking of birds - we recently saw a great film called "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill" about a flock of South and Central American parrots who escaped the pet trade and established a colony in San Francisco!  And about the gentle man who spent a few years getting to know the birds.  It's a True Love Story, and I recommend it to anyone who will listen!

 

* * *

I won't quote it here - the whole piece is so eloquent - but your story of your Daughter's birthday at MIL's house, here is such an in depth, clear thinking, expression of what it is like to experience what you experience.  Thank you so much for letting us in to share this with you.  It is your skill and eloquence in speaking, in communicating, in choosing when and what to communicate - that makes me believe you will be better than ever before when you get through this.

You are already doing this instinctively, but there is a method for improving communications called NVC - Non Violent Communication - which you may like to learn more about.  I only have one link in my toolkit, I hope it's a good one:  http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations  

 

I think the bilingual thing would be confusing, too.  I'm in Australia, and even though they're speaking English, sometimes it feels like a foreign language to me.  Having it be an actual foreign language would be challenging - feeling a bit left out, and not knowing what you are meant to hear and what you are to be responsible for. 

 

I used to have dogs - and they are so eager, so present, so in your face.  I used to tease them, anthropomorphising that they were asking, "Is it the Puppy part yet?"  "NOW? Is it the Puppy part yet?"

When you have the bilingual thing going on, you would either have the stress of asking, "Is it the Rosetta part yet?" constantly - or - let it go.  It's a tough one!

* * *
I'm glad you found all the Claire Weekes resources.  What she did best for me was to separate the physical symptoms that we associate with "anxiety" or "nerves" (as she calls them) from the actual fear and emotion.  I often found that my body "fired" for very little good reason, and I might be able to trace it to a trigger - but that I didn't need to get involved emotionally when my body fired - it was just my body firing.  I, as a rational adult, could observe and see that there was no threat, and then float through the wave of the adrenaline burst.

I hope you see the sun today!  (I'm still not caught up to current!  I told you I was s-l-o-w!)

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Feeling better today.  It feels like a window.

 

Not much dystonia in the night

No headache in the night

Not much anxiety during the insomnia time

No depression during the insomnia time

Slept better

No cortisol awakening

Very little anxiety today

No depression

Very little dystonia/muscle tension

Went to pick up my daughter

Appetite is back

Gastrointenstinal issues resolved

 

Thank you, JanCarol.  I did not expect you to read my whole thread!!!  

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine
7 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Feeling better today.  It feels like a window.

:) I'm coming over to your place to wedge that window, so it stays open! Wonderful news Rosetta :wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
1 hour ago, Kristine said:

:) I'm coming over to your place to wedge that window, so it stays open! Wonderful news Rosetta :wub:

 Please do.  I'm sure it's about the slam shut right on my fingers!!  Just kidding, but they do seem to close pretty hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Dalalea
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Feeling better today.  It feels like a window.

Yea! Sure sounds like a window to me!

 

Share this post


Link to post
wantrelief

This is wonderful news, Rosetta!!

Share this post


Link to post
Longestroadhome

Hi R, hope you are continuing to feel better. Sinus headaches are just awful. I had to have a brain scan last year (rule out a stroke which was probably just withdrawal dizziness) and apparently all my sinuses were badly blocked. Funny cause I never suffered with any symptoms until they told me!!!

 

Anxiety is just awful. It’s living hell. I don’t even drink any more so often feel at a loss as to how to cope! But drinking was bad.... made it worse. 

 

I hate school reports. Six years old and already saying she is below expectations? That’s why I love Steiner education, especially in lower grades. Children are forced to grow up too soon and are mostly over educated at that age 😢

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 Please do.  I'm sure it's about the slam shut right on my fingers!!  Just kidding, but they do seem to close pretty hard.

 

So glad you have found yourself in a window, I REALLY hope it is the long lasting one you deserve. 

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie

I was reading your signature and noticed you did a really fast taper.

 

How long did you taper? And are you feeling better?

 

I've taken it slow, for the most part. I've made some mistakes.

 

I hope you continue to heal.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
pinkfairy

Just stopping by to say hello...

 

you are doing very well & I hope your window continues xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

I think most of my window happened while I was suffering from headaches from a head cold earlier this week.  Last night, I was very irritable around 7:30.  I had taken my daughter to play at the Y.  We got home and my husband was having a bad day.  So we had cereal and yogurt for dinner.  I went to bed and then woke up 3 or 4 times with cortisol/adrenaline spikes.  I did not have much dystonia in the night.

 

This morning's wake up was a cortisol spike, too.  I've been very anxious today.  I did not volunteer at the school.  I'm too anxious.  This is the first time since I began volunteering that I have missed my volunteer day.  

 

Cortisol in night

Very little dystonia in night 

Cortisol awakening

Intense anxiety

Toll on husband is a major stressor today

Exhausted

 

It's so very, very demoralizing to have a window and fall back again to this horrendous anxiety.  But we really have no choice, and we need to ignore it when our brains tell us this is demoralizing.  It need not be quite so demoralizing if we can reframe the signs as signs of hope.  But here's another thing: they are also signs of caution -- pain -- even emotional pain -- is the body's way of saying "slow down, rest, let me repair things, let me have a break from pushing forward because I need that energy for something else."  We can't slow down as much as we need to, but we can try to be choosy about what we do and what we think about, too.  I think it's good to have a security gate in our thought process -- if a thought is followed by a rise in anxiety then maybe that thought takes too much energy from the healing process?  Maybe that thought needs to be turned away at the gate?  

 

This idea is kind of the opposite of CBT -- CBT might ask "is that thought helpful or useful right now?  Is it harmful?" Then, the question CBT would ask is "Can we refute it?"  However, I'm thinking that while we are in WD it may be better to NOT go through the refutation process every time.  Maybe the refutation process is for when we are in a window and the stray anxious thought pops up.  When we are in a wave, at that time, maybe the best thing to do is distract -- change the channel -- because, for me, I can't even use the refutation process without an increase in anxiety.  Instead, I am thinking that I can calm the anxiety more reliably by stopping after the question "Is that thought harmful?"  If I turn it away at that point and focus on something else my body seems to start clearing out the adrenaline faster.  I still feel sick to my stomach, and I feel the adrenaline in my limbs, as you say you do, and I'm confused and disoriented, but I don't continue to build that anxiety up.  I stop trying to identify the threat.  If I think about the anxious thought And try to refute it then my mind is more than happy to provide reasons to justify my anxiety!  It might even give me more reasons to be anxious.  The reasons are not even good reasons, and they are often so far in the future that they may never come to pass. 

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine

Well, now I'm coming over and welding that stupid window open!  I'm so sorry my friend...I wish I could give you a ((((hug)))) K xo

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

I would like to see that -- Kristine with fire tools!  The day got better after pretty unpleasant tummy troubles.  I picked up my daughter from school and went on the weekly gymnastics class odyssey.  We had dinner with my MIL.  So, no need to feel too bad for me.  I survived the day without too much discomfort.  Now, I'm afraid to go to sleep, but I must.  

 

Thank you you for stopping by @Kristine @Frogie @DaveB @Longestroadhome @wantrelief @Dalalea  What wonderful people!  I really appreciate your kindness and support!!  Thank you!

 

Additional symptoms:

 

Crying

Fear

Diarrhea

Slight dystonia when reading

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Journal:

 

Yesterday, Friday, was overall ok.  I woke up with cortisol over and over again from very early in the morning. It did not help that my daughter kept kicking me.  I had hoped to go back to bed once she was at school, but I couldn't.  The anxiety eased by afternoon, and I was able to pick her up from the school and go to the park for sunshine.  I didn't have much "depression" or despair yesterday.  I felt that I was having a window.  I was tired.  I didn't want to do anything, but there was very little dystonia.   That seems to be easing slowly over time.

 

Friday:

Very little dystonia in night

No despair in night

No anxiety in night

Good dreams of having a normal life

Cortisol awakening 2-3-4 times

Anxiety

Lack of appetite

Tiredness

Rested most of day

Mind was always busy; I read and that barely affected the muscle tension/dystonia

 

Saturday (Today):

 

Today is bad.  I don't know why it's bad exactly, but I'm trying to figure out a cause.  I woke up feeling quite good after sleeping in.  I had cortisol spikes several times early this morning.  My daughter was kicking me in her sleep.  I was afraid to switch to a different bed in case she woke up alone, and she cried out.  The physical effort of going back to her after a cortisol spike almost ensures that I will be awake for the rest of the day.  The cortisol spike her cries cause is very hard to reverse if I have to get up and walk to another room.  

 

My daughter woke up for good at about 6:30, but she let me sleep after about 6:45.  I actually calmed down and woke up with a cortisol spike at 8:45, but I was feeling good a few minutes later at about 9:00.  Then, I didn't eat breakfast right away after I woke up.  It seems that if I sleep in and miss my breakfast time, I am risking a bad day?  If I don't eat right after I get up, sometimes that creates a problem possibly?  It's the only thing that seems to make sense today.  It's tough when I have no appetite.  I started getting over stimulated.  So, I had raspberries and yogurt.  That didn't help.  My daughter had a friend over to play.  The noise may have bothered me, but then someone opened some bleach.  In a few minutes I was in tears.  I am very sensitive to bleach since WD became intense last Fall.  Even from yards away it burns my eyes and nose and sends me into a tailspin.  I was crying and angry and panicked until I left the house.  I didn't want to leave.  I wanted to find a safe hole to crawl into, but I had to leave.  I cried in the car for 15 minutes or so.  My shoulders were aching and stiff.  My husband gave me a decaf cafe mocha.  Now, I feel worn out.  

 

Today:

Very little dystonia in night

No despair in night

No anxiety in night

Good dreams of having a normal life

Cortisol awakening 3-4 times

Was able to sleep in

Felt good upon getting up

Lack of appetite -- did not eat quickly enough upon awakening at 8:45?

Anxiety began after people came over; a child came to play and Intensified severely after someone open a bleach product

Crying, panic, anger

Tiredness; exhaustion; despair

 

Its a day when when I question how much more I can take

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Some thoughts on hope and pushing through the waves when one feels no hope:

 

One member stated that hope is a choice.  I agree that hope is a choice when in a window and sometimes in a wave.  Depending on how deep a wave might be I don't always feel that I have a choice to hope.  I often feel that I lose the ability to hope utterly and completely, and I'm just staying alive for my little girl.  I suppose you could say that I must be hopeful that I'll get better, but it's often more accurate to say that I'm trying to not destroy her life just yet -- just in case there is hope that I can't feel.

 

Granted, these time periods of feeling hopeless get shorter and shorter as I heal, but there must be a neurotransmitter issue occurring because I honestly feel absolutely no hope at all sometimes.  That happened today, in fact.  It's a feeling that is incredibly immature and shortsighted, and I liken it to the way a toddler or young child feels when she loses a toy -- the feeling that nothing will ever be all right again.  It's as if everything I have ever learned in my life about the transient nature of feelings and the ability to recover from grief goes right out the door.  I suspect that I am very much like a child at these times.  

 

Perhaps the brains of little children are in a similar degree of turmoil as they grow and change.  My daughter certainly sometimes acts as if she feels the same degree of anguish that I feel when I can't do something I want to do.  She recovers more quickly from it, and she has happy emotions.  The lack of happy emotions is probably a major reason WD is so unrelenting bleak compared to the way a child experiences the growth of her brain.

 

I suppose the key is to remember that emotions are fleeting.  They will change and even if we can't feel good emotions at a particular point in our recoveries, we do know that the bad feelings will go and anhedonia will take their places.  A moderator said to me that the bad emotions are the first to return.  Getting through this period of having bad or neutral feelings but no good feelings is tough, but it must be done in order to reach the times when good feelings return.  What a cruel, cruel syndrome!

Share this post


Link to post
Downbutnotout

You’re very fortunate that you feel like you’re healing, and are able to experience hope. You are pretty positive on all your posts. I agree not experiencing joy or happiness is the worst thing about this.

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

((((gente hugs)))))

 

your good feelings are going to come back.

 

it is a cruel journey but you have much to be proud of. 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Journal:

 

Working hard today to float, re-direct, distract, and accept.

 

Dystonia slight in night

Anxiety upon waking in night - medium-high

Despair upon waking in night -- medium

Cortisol spike this morning

 

Slept in late - to 8:30

Anxiety since waking (it is 2:30 p.m. Now)

Dystonia/muscle tension is slight today

Had two eggs and chai tea as soon as I could after waking

 

Feeling sick - husband said I was pale and my lips were blue

Took a hot bath (I have no Epsom salts)

Having chicken broth now

 

I can't quite understand what I'm feeling right now.  I don't know whether I'm having a physical illness or it's simply anxiety.  So, I'm trying to accept it, remind myself that it can't hurt me, and remember that I will have another window.  I'm not too concerned that it is something serious that I am ignoring.  I do wish I was having a good day with my daughter instead of trying to maintain calm with all my might.  I'm wondering if there is a low blood sugar issue going on.  I'm slightly nauseous, but that's common when I have all day anxiety.  I suppose this could be a new kind of baseline for a wave, and it simply feels strange because I'm not used to it?

 

PS Thanks @Happy2Heall and @Downbutnotout for stopping by!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Yesterday, I went for a walk in the park.  My anxiety calmed some after that but never went away completely.  

 

Today is a lot like yesterday -- a strange feeling that is most likely a form of anxiety -- I feel sick to my stomach, jittery, nervous.  Yes, that's what anxiety feels like for everyone, but this has a strange quality to it.  I know nothing is wrong physically as the strange feeling went away yesterday evening.  The anxiety never went away completely.  I woke up with a sore throat.  I'm thinking that perhaps my immune response to a virus is contributing to the way I feel.  I can't do much of anything but rest.  I'm frustrated quite a bit.  My neck has been tense since before I woke up.  After reading for a while, I have a very slight headache with numbness in my upper lip and nose and tingling in my eye and temple.  

 

Dystonia in the night -- slight 

Despair upon waking in the night - medium

Anxiety upon waking in the night med-high

Many muscle contractions -- flutters -- on my right side and a few on the left

Stayed in bed this morning hoping to get some extra rest that might help me heal

Woke up two or three times while daughter was getting ready for school -- much anxiety that I was not helping to get her ready

Slept late 9:30 -- slept well after daughter left at 7:35.

Anxiety is bad today -- worse since school let out -- I did not go to pick her up

Feeling sick to my stomach from anxiety, I think

Lack of appetite

Had two eggs and chai tea for breakfast

Bowl of cereal for lunch

Dystonia/muscle tension is worse after reading 

 

Still working on the motivation to change things.  Having protein first thing in the morning is not enough.  I should get more sun, I think.  

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy