Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Sheera]

Rosetta—you are strong and you will make it through this. The fact that you can write gratefuls down and are trying to picture yourself free are all good signs. Keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the best you can. I’m praying for your sleep tonight. 

 

Hugs—Sheera

[Rosetta]

 @Rabe @Sheera @neroli @wantrelief I am grateful for all of you, too!

 

It was a hard day, but I got through it.  My neck and jaw are tight and my teeth ache.  I'm irritable.  

 

My daughter got her reading done, and her writing that was left over from last week.  I took her to the park to play with a friend.  We went out for pizza afterward.  Hoping to go to bed early tonight.  I volunteer tomorrow in the class.  Then Friday is art class.  I hope I sleep well tonight.

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...I like  your gratefulness list so so much!!!  Juset the fact that you are able to turn your mind to that so extensively I think is wonderful!  I am glad you were able to get out with your daughter inspite of you muscles and teeth...you are there for her!  Will be thinking about you tomorrow, hoping it goes well.  Hope you get some sleep tonight as well!!!💜

[mirage]

Hi @Rosetta. Just read you post and wondering if your cortisol spikes aren't actually night sweats and or, hot flashes? Throwing it out there because what you described happened to me for about a year when I started venturing into menopause and, for me, it was way before withdrawal so I know it was hormonally induced. Stay strong friend.

 

Sending hugs and prayers

[India]

Rosetta, I suffer from OCD . I feel it's rooted in shame and the need to create a "beautiful" environment in order to ease the stress of my traumatic memories. Obviously it's very complex. I have found at times when I look into the roots of why I need to control my environment ( when my internal environment is so wildly out of control). When it comes to your daughter , who sounds very creative, are you able to give her a space in the house  just to be free and "messy". That way you can keep the rest of the house clean and tidy. I think OCD can be very symbolic- I can cope with "natural" dirt very well and have no problems swimming and touching plants  . It's sanitary dirt or other people's dirt I find very testing . I do work at trying to desensitise myself as I know that I would be more liberated if I could do this. I think for me, at times, I associate the sense of my fingers touching things with fear of feeling stemming from trauma. My issues with meds have fuelled what they call pure OCD . I find that if I try to normalise it then I am less inclined to feel the fear about the fear.

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Rabe. Yesterday was fine.  That was surprising because the night before was very hard.  I didn't count how many times I woke up.  Over and over again.  I was overheated again and again.  The Santa Ana wind was howling at the window all night.  I worried about fire a lot.  I did remember that I was grateful that I had no dystonia.  The day wasn't bad.  I had my walk after volunteering.  I developed a headache.  Some people here say they have head pressure.  Maybe that's what it was.  I picked up my daughter, but I could not go to her music lesson.  Thankfully, the headache eventually went away.

 

Last night, the dystonia came back.  It's not terrible, but my eye was twitching in the night.  I woke up about 2:00, and from then on I woke up over and over.  I think I had two hot flashes.  Finally, at about 6:00 am I was up for good.  

 

I felt very sad when I woke up, and I had that feeling that my life has been wasted.  I know, intellectually, that I'll get better and have a life again, but, today, I "feel" that my life is over.  I "feel" right now that there is no point to anything.  I pour all my energy into my daughter.  I pour energy into making her life good for the long term.  I don't get any satisfaction out of that.  She resists when I try to help her learn to take care of herself and her things.  She lives in the moment.  She is happy most of the time, and she seems to know she's loved.  Why isn't that making me feel satisfied?  I "feel" that I'm failing at being a mother.  It's the only job I have.  I know this is universal.  We get very little instant gratification from being parents.  There are no benchmarks.  We never know when we have succeeded.  She did say to me, last night, spontaneously, that she loves me.  My brain couldn't let me feel the joy in that, but I knew that it was a special moment, intellectually.  Someday, I hope, I will be able to have normal feelings again.  I remember when she was little and she learned to hug how unbelievably good that felt!  I miss that feeling.  Will I ever feel that again?  At least I have the memory.

 

I'm upset because I can't feel my emotions and yet tears are running down my face.  It's bizarre.  Someday I'll feel good emotions again, I hope.

 

I wonder if dystonia and these numb emotions go together?  Sometimes, I think that those two symptoms are usually present together.  I may know someday if and when I have the energy to go through my thread. Feeling overwhelmed by the chaos around me might go with dystonia, too.

 

My right eye, neck, chest and jaw are tight and my eye and tongue are numb and tingly.  I skipped going with my daughter for drop off to avoid stress this morning.  Just getting her ready was all I could do.  I'm overwhelmed by my house today.  Someone is coming to inspect the work outside on the solar panels.  I'm so embarrassed by my house.

 

@mirage Maybe so.  How awful to have WD and menopause at the same time.  I despair at how long this will take if menopause is a long journey for me.  I don't want to be alive through this, but I have to.

 

@India Thank you for dropping by and trying to help.  Your suggestion is excellent.  I would love to have one room for her.  I dream of that day.  

 

The hole is too deep at the moment.  I can't dig out.  Nearly every room has toys in it.  Nearly every room has boxes and containers I bought to organize and clean up.  There are 7 years of clothes, toys and arts, crafts, supplies, decorations randomly scattered about.  Now they are all mixed in with my life before she was born.  They are all mixed in with my grandparent's things.  We moved here in 2010, my daughter was born in 2011 and my grandfather died 3 months later.  My WD started about the same time.  I think I feel an enormous sense of loss and that makes it hard to part with things.  I have a strong aversion to throwing away anything that is still useful, but getting it to the thirft store is beyond me.  

 

Since my daughter turned 4 or 5 she's been spelunking and any organization I had created has been destroyed.  It's an enormous job to get to that point you suggest.  Each time my brain allows me to use it I do a little organizing, but I only get halfway.  Then, my daughter finds something, repurposes it for a new game she makes up, and scatters it.  I'm terrified of finding something that triggers a bad memory and ruins my day.  I'm afraid that I'll be an emotional mess when my daughter is done with school.  I'm terrified, also, of scarring my daughter by throwing away her things.  My only hope is that she's proving to be very creative.  Maybe that is because of this mess.  She has a lot with which to work.

 

I'm going to stop reading now with the hope I can avoid stronger muscle tension and eye pain.  I'm sorry that I can't visit threads.  I wish I could.

[FarmGirlWorks]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Some people here say they have head pressure.

Hi @Rosetta: for the record, in August when the fires/smoke hit Seattle and it became national news, people definitely complained of head pressure and headaches. Of course it affected those of us in withdrawal. I just came back from LA and it totally had that singed smell like walking into a grill plus ash falling from the sky that Seattle had this summer. Smoke-wise it was not nearly as intense as what was up here but we just got the smoke not the fires burning houses. So horrible.

[FarmGirlWorks]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I had that feeling that my life has been wasted.  I know, intellectually, that I'll get better and have a life again, but, today, I "feel" that my life is over.  I "feel" right now that there is no point to anything.  

Oh and yes, yes, yes. I totally relate. I've been in a big wave for a while and just read my journal from this time last year. Doesn't seem a whole lot different but I actually care less than I did then. Battle fatigue, I guess.

[Rabe]

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I think I feel an enormous sense of loss and that makes it hard to part with things.

You actually felt that loss once....of having to part with something special...

 

 

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I'm terrified, also, of scarring my daughter by throwing away her things.  

I feel your feelings from the past of losing that something(s) are underneath much of this...?  

What would have helped perhaps is if someone went through the things with you...so that you could keep what you treasured and needed emotionally and let go of what you did not...

Love you Rosetta...prayers that you will be able to continue to sort things out in you mind...I believe the rest will follow even though I know it doesnt feel that way.  💜

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and wanted to send big hugs. I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much and that you get eye pain when you read.

 

Take care💚

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Rabe.  I know that's true.  There's been a lot of loss in my life.  I haven't felt safe for a very long time.  

 

@Carmie Thanks.  You are so kind.  The dystonia went away.

 

This morning was very hard.  My daughter woke up at about 5:30.  I was severely overstimulated by the time I was trying to get her ready for school.  She squirmed and fidgeted and talked for over an hour.  She tried to go to play, but she got cold and came back.  Every time I fell back asleep she woke me up.  

 

I think that I shouldn't lay in bed with her when she wakes up early, but I was waiting for the house to warm up.  By the time I took her to school I felt like I had Akathisia.  Maybe it can't occur that way.  I don't know.

 

I lost my control over my emotions, and I told her that I just can't do everything for both of us.  I need her to make the effort to get ready.  If I don't tell her to do something she plays instead.  I have to tell her to take EVERY step and I have to say it 2 or 3 times.  She does nothing of her own volition.  I guess this is normal for a 7 year old.  I'm barking at her for 45 minutes every morning.  I simply cannot do this every day.  Some days I can guide her through it all without getting too upset, but not after being awakened at 5:30 and re-awakened over and over for an hour.  I started to cry before we left the house.  

 

After I dropped her off I cried and cried and cried.  I wanted to die.  This is completely wrong.  I shouldn't feel SI just because I'm trying to care for my child.  I know this is neuro-emotions and overstimulation of my severely compromised CNS.  I KNOW that, but the feelings are so intense!  

 

I had a cup of warm milk.  Then I took a bath and then a shower.  I feel better now.  I'm going to have my magnesium and eat something.  Somehow, some way I'll get through this.

[Sheera]

Rosetta—those neuroemotions are so so strong. I know I have yelled at my youngest child numerous times because of the feeling I have when I am upset with him. I am thankful he is resilient as is your daughter. He has learned to give grace because of my situation—at least that is the positive way I try to spin it in my mind. If I don’t spin it that way it is easy to convince myself that he is forever scarred because of this. Logically I know I am just what he needs in this moment but WD does not have logic.  

 

I have discovered that lying in bed half awake does not help me either. I’m not saying I get up every time—I plan to—but the times I do seem like they go better. Someday I will feel rested and want to get out of bed. 

 

This will pass, Rosetta, and there will be a wonderful window waiting for you. Hang in there. 

 

Hugs—Sheera 

[DaveB]

Rosetta, you are seriously so strong! You have made it through so much, keep up the good work!

[Rabe]

Im sorry Rosetta...there are so many feelings tied to how you feel you are mothering her.  It is hard to see the good until down the road.

Yes, at that age they cant seem to focus on much as get drawn off by so so many things.  I can remember saying all morning to my kids as I tried to get them all ready and out the door to daycare and school and me to work...come on, hurry up, eat your cereal, get your backpack, where IS your homework??? And on it went .  It is exhausting at best....hope you will give yourself credit for all that you do inspite of these challenging times that you are going through.  You are truly incredible...and melt downs are a much deserved and needed release I think.  

11 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I shouldn't feel SI just because I'm trying to care for my child.

Perhaps the SI is because you feel you re not caring for your child...but I say that you are...in a most remarkable way given everything you are dealing with! Thinking about you!!  Love and hugs!!!💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

You’re so brave to continue fighting on despite how you’re feeling. You have a lot of people here on SA that care about you.

 

I can’t even imagine what it’s like bringing up a child when going through withdrawals. I’ve never had children. You are doing amazing! Those neuro-emotions are bad though, I’ve been feeling immense sadness for most of the day. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. We will eventually get there.

 

Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen, especially when neuro-emotions have a hold on us, but there are so many success stories around. It’s a shame that a lot of people don’t come back to SA though when they’ve recovered n share their stories but I’m sure there are so many, many more out there. I guess some people no longer want to focus on what it was like going through withdrawals. I don’t blame them really, but isn’t it nice when they do write down their success stories?

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

I never know how a day will go at this stage.  My period never came.  I have been doing relatively ok since about 1:00 Thursday afternoon except for some short periods of misery here and there.

 

Thursday morning, I was so worried and upset, but my daughter had a good day despite the anxious morning I had.  I couldn't eat that morning because I was so upset.  My husband and I took my daughter to school.  Then, I had steamed milk instead of

coffee.  No food.  I bought hair dye, went home, ate something and dyed my hair.  I took a bath while the dye was on, and then I had a shower.  Later, I had a mag bath.  I'm not sure whether I had a walk that day.  I don't think so.

 

My daughter's second grade musical was that night.  She had to go to gymnastics after school because she was being assessed for possible promotion to the next level.  Otherwise, we would have skipped the class.  So, we ate something and drove 45 minutes to the class, but traffic was light.  We had time to watch dolphins before the class.  I felt normal and happy!!!  Then, we had to race back on the 45 minute drive to her school, and get her dressed in her costume.  We arrived only 5 minutes late to her classroom.  Despite the awful morning, I went to the gymnastics class AND the musical.  We had terrible seats because we were not early, but she was amazing.  She was happy and sang her little heart out.  We had refreshments in the classroom afterward.  Everyone commented on her voice and her enthusiasm.  She was punchy from lack of sleep and dropped off early enough to get almost 11 hours that night.

 

Thursday night was hard on me -- hot flashes over and over after about 2:00.  In the middle of the night I worried.  I wasn't sure I could teach art the next day.  Things change on a dime with this crazy syndrome.  

 

The next day, I was less anxious in the morning.  I taught art just fine.  I even had to change my lesson plan at the last minute because the librarian was sick, and I couldn't get the book I needed to show the kids an example of Monet's water lilies.  So, I had them paint the blue background anyway.  It dried as I had them finish their "complementary colors" mirror images painting.  After that, we reviewed the color mixing we had done two weeks earlier.  Then, I said "Be creative!  Paint anything that might be in the sea on your blue background -- sea creatures or anything that might be in the ocean."  They did a beautiful job.  My daughter painted undersea volcanos spewing red lava.  I didn't remind her that lava instantly turns into black glass when erupting under water.  One kid painted a bloody shark and said "because he just ate."  

 

I was juggling so much Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, but I didn't feel jittery and frazzled!  It was amazing.  Friday afternoon I was nervous to pick up my daughter.  Sometimes she's a wreck at 2:30 on a Friday.  She was, but I was mostly calm.  I wasn't entirely relaxed, but it was better than usual on a Friday afternoon.

 

This morning, I woke up feeling fine.  The night was troubled by hot flashes, and at one point, I smelled smoke.  I got up to check the area to the east, but I saw nothing.  I checked the news.  Then, I feel back asleep.  Today, I sorted piles of mail.  I sorted papers and photos and things my daughter has made in school into containers.  I touched and sorted cards and letters my mother sent.  To have that ability is so rare.  I threw things away.  I prepared boxes and bags of donations - socks and shoes for kids up the street, and random things for good will.

 

We have been home all day.  I felt anxious and buzzy, feelings I associate with Akathisia, after a long phone call with my cousin.  Now, I feel ok again.  It's 6:45 pm.

 

In the phone call from my cousin, we talked a long time.  She said her father had taken Valium for about 35-40 years at the lowest dose.  When he was about 88 or so the VA decided to switch his medication.  He became very, very sick and was hospitalized.  His doctors were upset.  They said he should not be taken off Valium ever.  The VA wanted to change his med, but after he was back on it he got better.  She said it was truly awful.  He's fine now.  He's 98, and doing fine.  He lives alone with daytime caregivers.  He been on Valium for over 50 years!!

[wantrelief]

Hi Rosetta - It sounds like you are doing pretty well overall - yay! 

 

4 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

We had time to watch dolphins before the class.  I felt normal and happy!!!

That sounds amazing - so happy for you!!

 

 

[Rabe]

22 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 We had time to watch dolphins before the class.  I felt normal and happy!!!  

 

23 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

she was amazing.  She was happy and sang her little heart out.  We had refreshments in the classroom afterward.  Everyone commented on her voice and her enthusiasm.

 

24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 I taught art just fine.

 

24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I even had to change my lesson plan

 

25 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 Then, I said "Be creative!

 

25 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 They did a beautiful job.  

 

25 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

was juggling so much Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, but I didn't feel jittery and frazzled!  It was amazing.  

 

26 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

This morning, I woke up feeling fine.

 

26 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Today, I sorted piles of mail.  I sorted papers and photos and things my daughter has made in school into containers.  I touched and sorted cards and letters my mother sent.  To have that ability is so rare.  I threw things away.  I prepared boxes and bags of donations - socks and shoes for kids up the street, and random things for good will.

 

Dont think I have ever been so gleeful reading on this site!!!!  Im so so excited for you Rosetta!  You ARE healing, your daughter IS thriving, your life IS returning!  AND what you shared gives hope to us all!!!  Bless you!  Much love! 💜

[Sheera]

Rosetta—you are seeing glimpses. This makes my heart happy for you. As hard as it is, remember those moments when things are not so great. As I read somewhere on here before, “I knew if I felt it for a fleeting moment that it would eventually return long term.”  I am holding onto those moments of my own—especially the few weeks I had of amazing sleep. We can do this. 

 

Hugs—Sheera 

[Rosetta]

@FarmGirlWorks Thank you so much for your messages earlier this week.  I love it that I can share this share this progress with all of you.  Thanks, @DaveB. So nice that you are back, but I know it's bittersweet as you are struggling. Thanks @Sheera and @Carmie and @wantrelief and @Rabe.  Your support is so much appreciated.

 

I woke up feeling ok this morning and last night wasn't bad.  A hot flash or two.  I read some in the middle of the night to distract. My eye didn't seize up very much.

 

I have made a little progress on the house even this morning.  The enormity of it all hits me when I do that, of course.  I can't believe how much stuff I have accumulated.  I barely made a dent, but it's a dent.  All the craft and painting and drawing stuff was my focus today.  I don't know how long this ability will last.  

 

My daughter is busy upstairs doing who knows what.  We need to get out today!!

[Rabe]

Well wo Rosetta...you go girl!  You are on a roll!  I think it was the hair dye...seems after that things got better! 😀 Maybe we all ought to give that a whirl!!  Hoping today has continued to be good Rosetta.  So exciting that you have been able to tackle some of those items 2 days in a row.  Love and hugs to you!💜

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...thank you for stopping on my thread.  I did read that about your uncle...I wish I could go back on the med and be how I was before.  Thought about that a lot today....I wasnt having problems on it until it was updated to such a high level and then the tapering... 

Hope your day continues to go well.  Hugs and love!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you dear @Rabe.  I never intended to dye my hair, but I'm not yet 50, and it really upsets me when my daughter's friends or store clerks, etc think I'm her grandmother.  That doesn't happen anymore, but it's only been about 2 months.  I was afraid to dye it for fear of that making WD worse.  Then I had that terrible wave.  It wasn't in close proximity to the dying, and I hope it doesn't happen this time.

 

I had to call my cousin to tell him I was sorry his mother died.  That upset me.  

 

I did go out yesterday.  We took my daughter to my MILs and then walked on the beach.  We had dinner there, too.

 

On the way to my MILs we saw an accident at 70 mph.  Two cars were bouncing between a tractor trailer and the concrete median.  I don't believe I had ever seen anything other than a fender bender before.  It really shook me up.  One person came to rest in one of the fast lanes facing the wrong way.  I don't think anyone was seriously hurt.  It took quite a while for my system to calm down.  

 

Last night, I slept very poorly.   In the middle of the night, I had a cortisol spike followed by a hot flash and a cold spell.  After that I kept waking up thinking about the way I feel overwhelmed by my house and the fear of dying.  I was clenching my jaw in my sleep and getting a headache which is still there.  I have to stop reading now with the hope that my head and neck ache will stop.

[Hibari]

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you dear @Rabe.  I never intended to dye my hair, but I'm not yet 50, and it really upsets me when my daughter's friends or store clerks, etc think I'm her grandmother.  That doesn't happen anymore, but it's only been about 2 months.  I was afraid to dye it for fear of that making WD worse.  Then I had that terrible wave.  It wasn't in close proximity to the dying, and I hope it doesn't happen this time.

 

I had to call my cousin to tell him I was sorry his mother died.  That upset me.  

 

I did go out yesterday.  We took my daughter to my MILs and then walked on the beach.  We had dinner there, too.

 

On the way to my MILs we saw an accident at 70 mph.  Two cars were bouncing between a tractor trailer and the concrete median.  I don't believe I had ever seen anything other than a fender bender before.  It really shook me up.  One person came to rest in one of the fast lanes facing the wrong way.  I don't think anyone was seriously hurt.  It took quite a while for my system to calm down.  

 

Last night, I slept very poorly.   In the middle of the night, I had a cortisol spike followed by a hot flash and a cold spell.  After that I kept waking up thinking about the way I feel overwhelmed by my house and the fear of dying.  I was clenching my jaw in my sleep and getting a headache which is still there.  I have to stop reading now with the hope that my head and neck ache will stop.

Hi Rosetta,

 

Though I am older than you and going gray, my hair is seriously looking bad.  I bought a home hair dye kit to take care of the roots at least for a bit.  I have not been able to handle going to my usual person as I have been sick so this will have to do.   I also am due for a hair cut but the salon I go to is on the busy side and I can't handle it yet.

 

I relate so much to the hold flash and cold spell.  I think I shared with you that even though I am through menopause, I have been having hot flashers and night sweats alot during wd.

 I responded to Alto on my thread that I have been drenched in sweat lately both at night and this morning I was soaked.   I do think it's wd related but I also think there is a hormonal component in there.  Meds affect every system in the body.   

 

I also have teeth and jaw pain, which I think happens during times of akathesia for me.  I'm so tense that my muscles ache from it.

 

Sorry you witnessed that accident.  With our sensitive systems, everything that is harsh or overstimulating is too much. 

 

Take good care.

 

 

[Rabe]

Im sorry you had some stressful events today and then a difficult night...I think calling your cousin and seeing the accident would upset the system.  I remember when I was driving behind my daughter and she drove off the highway at 70mph...the doctor I worked with on the psych/dementia unit said do not underestimate the effect of that.  I thought...its over and she is ok...but he was so right.  Seeing those kinds of things are shocking.  We read about them but seeing them is very different.  Take care of yourself!  Hope things settle.  Do you have a bite plate for night? Love and hugs!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks Rabe and Hibari for your kind thoughts.

 

Yesterday, we stayed home.  We were supposed to go to friend's house so my daughter could play, but her son fell out of a tree and had to have stitches.  

 

I feel asleep yesterday!  I dozed for a while on the couch, and my daughter actually allowed me to doze.

 

After I woke up, I was able to do more organizing and I swept the kitchen floor.  

 

Last night I was awake for a long while, but I wasn't too unhappy during that time.  I had a couple of hot flashes.  I woke to a cortisol spike.  This morning I feel overwhelmed and anxious.  I'm going out anyway as soon as I can get ready.

[Rosetta]

I forgot to mention that my daughter and I made muffins yesterday morning.

 

Today has been really rough.  I left home so late and a lot of unfortunate things happened with parking and all.  We didn't make it to the beach until our friends were leaving.  Then we went to their house and I fell.  I don't know how bad it will be until I wake up in the night, but I am hurt.

[wantrelief]

Oh no....I am so sorry to hear about your rough day and fall.  I really hope you weren't hurt too badly.  I am thinking about you, Rosetta, and sending lots of hugs. 💖

[Rabe]

Rosetta I am sorry about your fall!  Please take care and let us know how you are!!!  Hugs and love! 💜

[Rosetta]

I'm not as badly hurt as I feared.   I was afraid I would wake up with a lot of pain.  I was carrying my daughter after she was hurt.  My friend's son was riding a skate board on his tummy through the living room.  Of course, a walked right into him, over I went and I dropped my daughter, too.  My neck and arms are sore, but not too much.  It's always a zoo at her house.  

 

I guess I should have stayed home.  The worst part was that my friend's daughter wasn't nice to my daughter.  They have been friends since they were 2 and 4, but now her daughter has an attitude because she is almost 9 and in 4th grade.  She's been really rude to my daughter the last few times we have seen them.  It was the last straw for my daughter yesterday.  She's decided to give up on this friendship, and I can't blame her.  

 

The mother is one of the few friends I have.  I had hoped my daughter could play with her kids yesterday, but her daughter's friends were with them.  Even after we went to their house and the friends were not there, her daughter was cold and unfriendly.  I can't think about it anymore.  I have to get pies made for tomorrow.

 

Last night I took half of a Unisom (Benadryl) before bed.  I slept well.  I was awake feeling that life wasn't worth living for only a short while in the early morning.  One or two hot flashes.  One small cortisol spike in the early morning.  I think it's the cortisol spikes and their aftermath that make me feel despair.

[Rosetta]

Gratitude list:

 

1. I handled everything yesterday in a calm manner, mostly.  My brain was working much better during that time of stress.

 

2.  I am able to get enough sleep.  Last night, I had more than usual.

 

3. I'm definitely healing.

 

4. My husband is being very helpful today and letting me rest for a while.

 

5. I have the time abd space to rest and heal.

[FarmGirlWorks]

That's a great list @Rosetta. Especially #3. I was listening to Tara Brach yesterday and she recommends gratitude lists to help change neuro-wiring, so we scan for "good" things as well as the bad things that we (me) are so accustomed to seeing.

[DMV64]

I love your list! i make one everyday on my facebook page!! It is so helpful to remember gratitudes

[Rabe]

Im so grateful you are ok Rosetta!!!  Have been thinking about you.

Im sorry about your daughters friends...girls especially can be so icky sometimes.  It is hard to watch...but it sounds as though your daughter is handling it well.  Wonder where she learned that!  👍 

Hope the pies are delicious and that you have a good holiday!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Rabe, Wantrelief. DMV and FGW.

 

Today has been a day of depression.  I can barely move.  No pies.  I'll try to make crumbles tomorrow, but I'm not sure I can.  I'm so tired of having a broken brain.

[Hibari]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, Rabe, Wantrelief. DMV and FGW.

 

Today has been a day of depression.  I can barely move.  No pies.  I'll try to make crumbles tomorrow, but I'm not sure I can.  I'm so tired of having a broken brain.

Hi Rosetta,

 

I empathize with feeling depressed.  I have been experiencing that myself.  Its hard when it happens and is an awful symptom of  withdrawal.  

 

I also feel for me that the holiday images ramp up my feelings of not feeling well when it "appears" like everyone else is together.  I know that's not true but its hard to filter at times. This is only my perception and maybe not what you feel.  

 

Thinking of you.  Be easy as you can with yourself.