Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...I can remember forever keeping my house clean and tidy and staying up late at night to do so.  The last thing I would do everyday is vacuum...there was something about being able to see the carpet all even .... it was as if visually what I saw looked in order then I was in order...my mind was in order....I realize now, since my safe place is gone, that much of what I did there was secondary to my fear, my need to control, my need to keep super busy all the time to keep myself out of my head, and so much more.  It got better after I was on my own and I got 'better'.  Now, I do very little tidying or cleaning or even caring to do so.  Its as if my life has lined up with my mind.  Not the person I knew at all.  I realize the cleaning helped in the short term...but not in the long.  

 

I so believe you are doing so well.  As you said just the deSIRE to fill a bin or sort through something is huge....I can remember posts where those steps were not a part.  You are healing and you are making so much progress, and you have so much insight into what is going on and why...there is no way you are stuck or stagnant though it may feel that way. I mean just think of the days you feel better and what you do through out them.....you do the things that you feel are most important I think? ... getting ready for art class, having time with your daughter, helping her with homework and reading, doing laundry, cooking, getting out together or alone.  Your priorities have not been lost in the midst of all this chaos in your brain...they are well intact and I hope you can hang on to that and be even prouder than ever!  You are amazing and far from useless though I so understand your feeling that way as you are not where you want to be.  

I say buy more bins...the thought of washing bins and/or unsticking them would be too much when doing well perhaps?  It takes a number of steps out of the process which always helps...the fewer steps, the less to ruminate about.  

And I had to look entropy up!!!  🤪Your mind is waaaay there...you put things so clearly and succinctly...you must have been very good at what you did...and still are!  

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I don't want my daughter to experience the meltdowns, and they often happen when I'm trying to do something for her.  So, the impact of them on her worries me so much.  I'm just not sure which is worse . . . 

    I know this is always in the back of your mind...you love her so dearly.  Could you do a bin on a day she is not there?  I got lost....my mind!!   they often happen when I'm trying to do something for her.

Is the decluttering for you both?  I focused so much on my children because I loved them but also because I felt guilty about so so much...and still do.  Hope you will not let that guilt and shame get in the way of doing something for you.  Much love and many hugs!!!💜

[Rabe]

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm just not sure which is worse . . . 

You have an innate wisdom...I believe that you will know as the healing continues...💜

[neroli]

21 hours ago, Rabe said:

Hi Rosetta...I can remember forever keeping my house clean and tidy and staying up late at night to do so.  The last thing I would do everyday is vacuum...there was something about being able to see the carpet all even .... it was as if visually what I saw looked in order then I was in order...my mind was in order....I realize now, since my safe place is gone, that much of what I did there was secondary to my fear, my need to control, my need to keep super busy all the time to keep myself out of my head, and so much more.  It got better after I was on my own and I got 'better'.  Now, I do very little tidying or cleaning or even caring to do so.  Its as if my life has lined up with my mind.  Not the person I knew at all.  I realize the cleaning helped in the short term...but not in the long.  

 

I so believe you are doing so well.  As you said just the deSIRE to fill a bin or sort through something is huge....I can remember posts where those steps were not a part.  You are healing and you are making so much progress, and you have so much insight into what is going on and why...there is no way you are stuck or stagnant though it may feel that way. I mean just think of the days you feel better and what you do through out them.....you do the things that you feel are most important I think? ... getting ready for art class, having time with your daughter, helping her with homework and reading, doing laundry, cooking, getting out together or alone.  Your priorities have not been lost in the midst of all this chaos in your brain...they are well intact and I hope you can hang on to that and be even prouder than ever!  You are amazing and far from useless though I so understand your feeling that way as you are not where you want to be.  

I say buy more bins...the thought of washing bins and/or unsticking them would be too much when doing well perhaps?  It takes a number of steps out of the process which always helps...the fewer steps, the less to ruminate about.  

And I had to look entropy up!!!  🤪Your mind is waaaay there...you put things so clearly and succinctly...you must have been very good at what you did...and still are!  

Hello Rosetta

 

I wanted to write something just like Rabe has above - and she has done it for me!  I second her sentiments in so many ways.  And I'm with her about you doing things that are important to you, like being with your daughter and doing the art class.

 

What more can I say, except that my thoughts are with you, I understand the "shame" (I feel shame that I don't do my own cleaning or keep up with the small garden I've got without help), I'm having to accept, though, that I'm saving my energy for what is important to me.  I can't do half what I want to do, what I was able to do as the "old me", and it takes some time to come to terms with that.  I try to keep in mind what I can still do (and that was prompted by you writing your gratitude list).  Feeling shame, on top of the difficulty of the withdrawal, is like piling on more of a burden - I'm no expert in this but there might be a way that we can approach our thoughts of shame with more kindliness and compassion (so that we aren't being harsh with ourselves and feeling doubly "bad").

 

Thoughts for more healing for you in this coming year.

 

Neroli. 💜

[Rosetta]

@Rabe and @neroli You are both gifts to me.  Thank you!!  It's true.  I do what is most important.  I need more self compassion, and yet Rabe's observation -- that keeping her house in order helped to keep her mind in order -- was spot on.  I used to feel soooo good lying down at night if my affairs were in order, and I would wake up feeling ready to start the day.  When things were piling up and various tasks were behind schedule, I didn't feel that good feeling, but I didn't feel awful the way I do now.  

 

So, yesterday I cleaned two bins and about 8 lids for bins.  That was a feat considering how I felt.  My husband cleaned two bins.  I never showered, and I never left the house.  Today, despite having four clean bins I managed to do nothing with them, but I did shower despite anxiety, and I took my kid to a play date even though I didn't want to.  Then, I had dinner at my MIL's.  I'm doing so little and yet for me it's a lot.  Losing the first half of each day to anxiety is just the way it is.  Acceptance.  Not easy.

 

Happy New Year.  It's 9:00.  I hope I'll be out by the time the clock strikes 12.

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Rosetta it's New Years on the east coast so that is good enough. Hope you see even more gains in 2019... it's happening.

[neroli]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Happy New Year.  It's 9:00.  I hope I'll be out by the time the clock strikes 12.

HNY to you, too, Rosetta.  I was definitely out by 12.00 - I had been woken to go to the toilet at 11.30 and there were fireworks outside.  Fortunately I got back to sleep, so  missed any whizz bangs that happened on the hour.  Yay!

 

Wishing you a decent sleep.  And, crikey, you cleaned the bins despite feeling sh*tty - that's grit.

 

Bestest

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Today, despite having four clean bins I managed to do nothing with them,

You cleaned them... is a huge step.  WOWWOWWOWWOWWOWWOWWOWWOWWOWWOW!!  And you two did it together!  I am so excited for you!

You did nothing with them after cleaning...but you DID: shower tho you didnt want to, took your daughter to a play date and ate at your MIL's.  Thats not nothing...again, you do what is most important at the time.  Im so excited for you Rosetta.  Hope you give yourself credit for today...you did so much...and took a huge step with the bins because the clutter, I believe, is much more than just clutter. Love and hugs!!💜

[neroli]

Happy New Year to you, Rosetta.

 

I hope you have a good day.

 

May 2019 bring more healing.

 

love

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, FarmGirlWorks.  It is happening.  Thanks, Rabe and Neroli.  It was a good sign that I cleaned the bins.  

 

I'm still sleeping pretty well especially compared to the way it was when I took magnesium before bed.  I'm not having strong cortisol or adrenaline spikes at all.  Not waking up with my heart pounding, having hot flashes, and feeling nauseous.  Could it be coincidence?  It's hard to imagine that magnesium caused that, but I'm relieved to be sleeping without all of that.  I'm still having anxiety in the mornings very early and feeling worried.  There's been no SI in a while.  In fact, I've been feeling glad that I've survived at some points.  I'm noticing positive thoughts here and there and moments of feeling grateful without trying.  

 

Last night before bed the dystonia came back, it was there most of the night, and it's still here this morning.  I have a lot less anxiety this morning.  Sometimes I think the lack of anxiety goes hand in hand with dystonia.  Not sure.  I'm going to avoid reading today as that makes dystonia worse.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're doing a little better, Rosetta. About dystonia -- do you get it in your legs and feet? Stretching might help, especially calf and foot stretches.

[wantrelief]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I'm not having strong cortisol or adrenaline spikes at all.  Not waking up with my heart pounding, having hot flashes, and feeling nauseous

This is great, Rosetta!  It must be such a relief to not have the awful cortisol/adrenaline spikes.  Thank you for your sweet message.  I am thinking about you too and know 2019 is going to be a year of further healing for you!

[Sheera]

Rosetta—so glad you are getting those small feelings of being grateful. Those are the best!  Also the sleep—it makes everything better knowing the mind is getting rest. I am glad you got the bins cleaned. They will be waiting for you to fill them when you were ready. 

 

Happy New Year!

 

Sheera

[Rosetta]

Altostrata, thanks for stopping by.  Slowly, very slowly, but surely this is resolving.  The dystonia is all up and down my right side.  Stretching doesn't seem to change it immediately, but perhaps there is some effect later.  It's in my toes, foot, front of calf, hip, chest, neck, arm and fingers, jaw, temple, and eye.  It's most intense in the chest, jaw and eye.  The good news is that it doesn't progress to numbness and tingling very often these days.  What helps is heat, and, strangely, heat on my forearm (while avoiding reading) seems to help the most.  Yes, regular stretching might help to avoid it or lessen it.  I think it will go away slowly like all the other symptoms.

 

Thanks for your well wishes and encouragement, Sheera and Wantrelief.  I'll get out of this someday!

[Altostrata]

Rosetta, does this occur on your mousing side? If so, you might be putting stress on your arm, neck, and back muscles on that side, plus need some leg stretching.

 

Physical therapy, chiropractic, and acupuncture might help.

[Rosetta]

I don't use a mouse, but yes, my dominant side.  I use an iPad.  I henpeck type with both hands, and I click with my right hand most often, but not always.  The tension happens randomly.  

 

As I was standing around watching the kids play yesterday I felt this coming on.  I could feel my neck pulling to the right, and I kept unconsciously rubbing my neck and jaw.  After it starts various activities make it worse.  Sometimes, even if I simply read a conventional book it gets worse.  

 

There are times when I can read all day, surf the web, write, type, do anything, and I feel no dystonia at all.  It's as if there has been a small TBI, and the brain is re-wiring around the injury, but every so often the new pathway is ignored and the old pathway is used again.  It appears to me -- feels like -- it's the same sort of malfunction that used to cause me to grind my teeth in the night.  I don't seem to grind any longer, but I wake up feeling the pulling to the right and the tension and discomfort of the contracted muscles all up and down the right side.  

 

I do want to try physical therapy and acupuncture someday when I feel I can make it to appointments.  

[Rabe]

SO happy to hear consistent good things Rosetta...it is an amazing thing and offers much hope to all!!!!💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to pop by and say you are such a bright light despite what you’re going through✨✨✨. 

 

You do amazingly well despite your pain. 

 

Sending much love💚💚

[Rabe]

Hoping the dystonia gets better soon as well Rosetta.  Grateful for you that the heat is still of help.  💜

[Rosetta]

Slept ok last night.  Some wake ups, some fear, some worries, but fell back asleep with my shoulder wrap and some soothing music.  Had to get the munchkin to camp, but I was able to take her late as it was that kind of camp -- day care really.  Tomorrow she has to be on time because it's a trip to the zoo day.  Very nervous about letting someone else supervise her in a place she could be taken, but I'm trying to remember she's 7.  I can't be that overprotective forever.  I'll be nervous all day tomorrow.

 

Had a headache this morning again and dystonia like tension.  Then I remembered that I didn't have decaf yesterday.  I had some caffeine and it went away.  I simply cannot remember that caffeine WD causes me to feel the pulling muscle tension that feels like dystonia.  Dystonia happens on days I have decaf, too, but sometimes it's worse if I miss my cup of "coffee."

[Rabe]

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I can't be that overprotective forever. 

Welllll.....I finally decided it was part of my job to worry because I did it so very very well...better than anyone else.☺️ I think it had some to do with my past but mostly just being a single mom.  I still worry...and mine are grown!  

So I think you have the right...she is still little...Im sure she will babe a wonderful day and come home with all sorts of stories to share!  

Hope your sleep continues free of major interruptions, and that the headaches are quelled by the bits of coffee....it must feel good to have had some easy fixes...with the magnesium and the caffeine...nice to do something and get a good result.  Yay!!  Take care of you Rosetta.  Blessings and love!💜

[Rosetta]

Rabe, yes, it's part of our jobs to worry.  The neuro emotions that make it hard to sleep over everyday life sorts of things -- ugh, I'll be glad when they lessen.  

 

Last night I had a small cortisol spike that woke me up feeling very scared.  I felt a hot flash, but I didn't have to throw off the covers.  There was no nausea.  There was an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.  I worried, and I had to resolve to NOT take my daughter to camp in order to fall asleep again.  I didn't need my shoulder wrap to go back to sleep.  Soothing music was enough.  Then, I got up and took my daughter to camp.  Not without anxiety, but I felt better about taking her when I dropped her off than I did in the middle of the night.  She's probably still at the zoo right now.  I pick her up in 2 and 1/2 hours.  

 

I did not keep myself well hydrated yesterday.  I went for a walk yesterday, and I felt good enough anxiety-wise, in the evening, to do a craft with my daughter.  

 

This morning after dropping her off I had breakfast with decaf and went for a walk on the beach.  I'm at home now, and I feel sleepy.  I always see feeling sleepy in the day as a good sign --- a sign that the cortisol clearing process is starting to normalize.  It never lasts, but I know that someday it will.  This is interesting because everyone complains about the mid afternoon slump.  It's a normal part of being human.  I cherish it now.

[Sheera]

Rosetta—it’s so interesting how you had to tell yourself that your daughter wasn’t going to camp and then you took her anyway. That’s a pretty good coping skill, and I might have to try it when I get the same kind of fears. I’m glad it worked so you could get back to sleep. My fears are the worst at night as well. 

 

I’m jealous of your beach time—how lucky to be able to enjoy that in December.  

You sound less stressed in your posts the past few days. That is a positive sign. 

 

Take care—Sheera

[Rabe]

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I always see feeling sleepy in the day as a good sign --- a sign that the cortisol clearing process is starting to normalize.  It never lasts, but I know that someday it will.  This is interesting because everyone complains about the mid afternoon slump.  It's a normal part of being human.  I cherish it now.

 

Gosh it is heart warming to keep reading your posts....if ever I doubt there can be healing I'll keep rereading them! 

And I always learn something!  For years I had elevated cortisol and neither I nor the doctor had any clue as to why.  So that is part of withdrawal as well?  Or the changes the drugs make?  It is hopeful to know that this can correct as well.   Have a good evening and sleep Rosetta!  Bless you!!💜

[Rosetta]

Ahhh . . . Anxious today.  Last night, I had more cortisol spikes -- about three of them including the morning one.  Felt slightly naseous.  Maybe the magnesium wasn't the culprit.  I don't know.  I'm tired of being like this.  I have no choice.  Finally, after the second spike -- waking up in fear --  I lay there and worried and worried and worried.  I had to read something as sleep wasn't coming back.  Eventually, I went back to sleep.  After the early morning spike, I heated my shoulder wrap, put on soothing music and fell asleep again.  

 

I woke up anxious.  I read to my daughter a bit before getting out of bed.  I hoped that would calm me.  It was a good distraction.  I'm going to eat now and wait for the anxiety to fade. 

 

In in the evening last night I had some restlessness in my legs.  I still think hormones are a big part of this.  It's been 83 days since my last period.

 

My plan is to take my daughter ice skating today at 3:00.  I need to prepare for that -- clothes, socks, make sure we eat lunch first.  I always forget to make lunch when I'm anxious.  I know where my skates are.  At least I have that.

 

I need my brain back so that I can organize this place.  My brain feels scrambled, confused, and that makes me afraid.  I know the anxiety contributes to that feeling.  Then, the confusion contributes to anxiety.  It's a loop.  The clutter is driving me crazy.  I have to get out somewhere else where there is order.  I do so much better outside this house.

[Rabe]

 

Im so sorry Rosetta...about the cortisol spikes, anxiety, about it all.  I am grateful the wrap and music helped you and you were able to sleep more.

You had a long stretch of good days.  As discouraging as this must be what I do know for certain is that you are healing!  I dont remember feeling as excited and happy

about your posts as this last stretch of them.  I also know nothing takes away what is going on now.  I do think the hormones are a part...your are always able to make that connection and I believe your innate wisdom that has come from all of this is likely spot on.  

Take good care of yourself today.  Wanted you to know I am thinking about you and hoping things get better as the day goes on. Love and hugs to you!💜 

[Rabe]

I have been thinking about you so much Rosetta and wanted you to know....hoping your sleep was better and that you are feeling some relief today compared to yesterday.  

You do seem to do better away from the clutter it seems...I know that mine adds to my feeling unsettled.  You will get to it when you can.  You made a dent or two not too long ago which was huge!!!  You will do it again when you can....I know you will.  Until then I hold you in my heart and hope you find some peace today with it all because it does not define who you are and how you are though I understand that feeling.  Take care of you Rosetta!  Love and hugs!💜

[Rabe]

Hoping you are doing ok....and that today may have been better in some way.  Also hope tonight holds better sleep for you.  Take care my friend!  Love and hugs!💜

[Rosetta]

Today I have terrible Akathisia.  My entire body is vibrating.  I'm afraid -- just afraid of everything.  My mind is trying over and over to find the cause.  This has been building.  Sleep last night was hard.  I kept waking up with fear and worry and intense sadness. I tried taking a hot bath and watching a movie this morning.  That was some distraction.  I'm supposed to go to my MIL's and see my husband's cousins today.  Today is one of those days when I wish there was a cure for Akathisia that was immediate.  I'm fantasizing about the way medicines used to wipe away my headaches and wishing that were possible for this.  I'm trying to accept and tell myself over and over "There is no danger.  There is nothing to be afraid of."  I'm trying to make myself use the washing machine, gather up clothes to wear, etc, but I'm afraid of the frustration boiling over if I can't find what I need.  Anticipatory anxiety is high.  I'm considering staying home, but that doesn't really help me.  I might feel better tonight if I get out.

[wantrelief]

Oh Rosetta I am so sorry this morning has been so challenging.  It sounds like you are doing really well coping to get through this.  I hope you feel better as the day progresses.  Perhaps going to your MILs will be a good distraction if you feel you can go.  Thinking about you - WR.

[Rosetta]

Thank you @wantrelief. It's hard to believe there will come a day when this doesn't happen to me any longer.

 

I have noticed more ability to endure.  Something difficult to define has improved.  I think.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm simply thinking more clearly, and I can "see" better.  I know no one is trying to hurt me.  It used to be that I didn't.  I felt very strongly that someone was trying to hurt me, and, of course, I wanted to figure out who it was.  Scary thought, really.  It's so clear now how Akathisia causes paranoia.  I am not only afraid, but I'm confused, and there is no correlation between what I do and how I feel.  There's no correlation between what other people do and how I feel either.  It used to be that I didn't know that!!  I used to feel certain that I could control this condition if I could only do the right thing or if other people would stop trying to agitate me.  At some point I started to realize this lack of correlation, but I couldn't internalize.  The fear was so powerful.  Admitting there was no control to be found was unacceptable.  Now, I feel quite despondent that there is nothing I can do but wait.  This despondency is better than paranoia.  It's still miserable.  I feel the need to cry, but I can't.  This feels like frustration.  It feel like anger, too.  It makes me feel nauseous.

 

The only thing I'm really afraid of -- that is a real threat -- is other people with Akathisia!  Them and bad luck, of course.  Accidents.  I don't want to leave the house.  I'm afraid of an accident because that's a rational fear, I suppose.  And I'm afraid of other people who are in WD, and don't know it.  I'm constantly afraid of them.  That never really goes away, but sometimes I forget about it.  I try to think about what a tiny, tiny percentage of people are actually dangerous.  So, so few.  And what are the chances I'll come into contact with them?  Slim.

 

Ugh.  Well, nothing is getting better while I'm sitting here doing nothing.  That's why I am so stuck.  The best part of my day energy-wise is used up in an anxious, confused state while I am afraid to do anything.  Sigh.  It just is.  Acceptance.  I'm in purgatory.  Biding my time.  I have never been that type of person.  I have always believed that doing something is better than doing nothing.  Now I am so afraid of a meltdown that I do nothing.  I'm very clumsy when I have Akathisia.  If I spill the laundry detergent I might become overwhelmed and start to cry or scream.  I don't want to do that in front of my daughter.  Even cooking is fraught with danger.  But I have to do some things despite the risks.  Otherwise, everything falls apart.

[Rabe]

Oh Rosetta...my heart aches that you are having such a rough day!  

Are you able to go and then come back if things get too intense there?  If your feelings get too overwhelming?  Can you leave?

What I know is that through all that is happening right now you will find your way....you aways have and you will today as well...whatever the path is it will be ok.  It is ok.

You are ok.  I wonder if your warm wrap would help...or make something cooler on your face...I know that helps me sometimes...the change in temperature.

Know that my heart and thoughts are SO with you!  Love and hugs!!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Rabe. Maybe the hot bath helped.  I had some cereal, too.  Maybe the adrenaline or cortisol wore off.  Had hot shower just now.  Maybe I can go.  No way to duck out once I'm there.  That would require my husband to leave, too.  Often, once I'm out of the house I can handle it.  It's getting dressed that is really hard.  Trying to find a matching outfit that is clean.  Sometimes I just don't match.  Oh, well.  I'm sure people notice that something is odd.  I'm odd.  Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't.  But it gets old.  I see these people once or twice a year.  Each year I think that the next year I'll be completely well.  Getting dressed won't be an ordeal.  Leaving the house won't be hard.  Being there won't feel bad.  I won't be irritated.  I won't want to isolate.  Etc, etc.. This is the Three Kings Day luncheon.  It used to be fun.  Lots of things used to be fun.

[Rosetta]

My day was awful.  We made it there 1 and 1/2 hours late, and I was in a pretty good mood considering the morning.  Then, my husband saw his brother there.  That was a surprise.  We have had a very difficult time with him and his wife.  We avoid them. They never come to this event.  

 

I tried to ignore them, but this was a very small gathering (10 adults), and they insisted on hugging me.  They always corner me like that and force me to either be rude or hug them.  The last time I avoided the hug it was big deal, and how could I, and my MIL got upset, etc etc.   So I hugged them.  After that my anger and resentment started to grow, the Akathisia came back, and I started to feel like crying.  Usually, my MIL warns us if his brother will be there.  She didn't this time.  We would have stayed home.  That's probably why she didn't warn us.  

 

Being in WD makes it very hard to deal with anger.  The only solution is to avoid people.  So, I had to leave.  I was becoming very, very angry and upset, and I knew all I could do was leave.  So, I went for a walk.  I felt worse, and I called my husband.  He brought my daughter out, and we left.  I'm sure everyone else will feel that was overkill, but not for me.  I cried all the way home.  I was really looking forward to spending time with these cousins the way we do every year.  It's usually so nice. My daughter cried because we made her leave, of course.  

[wantrelief]

I am so sorry the family event did not go as hoped, Rosetta.  It is really great, however, that you took care of yourself and got out of a situation that was causing distress and perhaps more distress if you had stayed.  I hope you are doing ok now that you are home.  Lots of hugs - WR.

[Rabe]

I dont think it was right for them to take over your personal space and put you on the spot like that.  I also dont think it was right of your MIL not to let you know they would be there....knowing problems exist in the relationships and knowing you are fragile as it is.  That would feel so bad Rosetta and I am so sorry.  That was kind of a no win situation under the circumstances and I dont understand people doing that...but I have witnessed an awful lot that I simply dont understand as to how people treat others...it just makes no sense to me.  I used to say I would rather be kind than right.  But seems there are an awful lot of people who feel whatever they do is right and ok...no matter what the consequence to others.  I am sorry you had to deal with that today.  I hope you will give yourself a ton of credit for being able to pull things together and go, for leaving and going for a walk, and then for leaving entirely.  You did the best you could today.  I for one am sure proud of all you did do...hope you will be too once everything settles and you can get a better perspective on things.  Sending love and hugs!!💜  

[jozeff]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I'm sorry your visit didn't go a planned and wasn't relaxed at all. You were brave to go there and just handle the situation but it was just to overwhelming how things turned out. 

 

These things you probably didn't even think about in the past can be very difficult at the moment.

 

Don't blame yourself for leaving, you chose to protect your feelings. Maybe they understand maybe they don't but that doesn't really matter because it's your body and your struggle and they are not going to solve your problems when you wake up anxious in the night.

 

My MIL was very upset when I didn't show up on her birthday once. My wife's explanation (WD) didn't help a bit. I just keep hearing that I wasn't there. She never even asked why and if I felt better now, she just kept being upset about the fact. They never ever ask me about my struggling. 

 

Focus on yourself, don't expect too much from others. Embrace the people who do understand you!

 

 

Good luck and hugs!

 

 

Jozeff