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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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Rosetta

Thank you @wantrelief. It's hard to believe there will come a day when this doesn't happen to me any longer.

 

I have noticed more ability to endure.  Something difficult to define has improved.  I think.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm simply thinking more clearly, and I can "see" better.  I know no one is trying to hurt me.  It used to be that I didn't.  I felt very strongly that someone was trying to hurt me, and, of course, I wanted to figure out who it was.  Scary thought, really.  It's so clear now how Akathisia causes paranoia.  I am not only afraid, but I'm confused, and there is no correlation between what I do and how I feel.  There's no correlation between what other people do and how I feel either.  It used to be that I didn't know that!!  I used to feel certain that I could control this condition if I could only do the right thing or if other people would stop trying to agitate me.  At some point I started to realize this lack of correlation, but I couldn't internalize.  The fear was so powerful.  Admitting there was no control to be found was unacceptable.  Now, I feel quite despondent that there is nothing I can do but wait.  This despondency is better than paranoia.  It's still miserable.  I feel the need to cry, but I can't.  This feels like frustration.  It feel like anger, too.  It makes me feel nauseous.

 

The only thing I'm really afraid of -- that is a real threat -- is other people with Akathisia!  Them and bad luck, of course.  Accidents.  I don't want to leave the house.  I'm afraid of an accident because that's a rational fear, I suppose.  And I'm afraid of other people who are in WD, and don't know it.  I'm constantly afraid of them.  That never really goes away, but sometimes I forget about it.  I try to think about what a tiny, tiny percentage of people are actually dangerous.  So, so few.  And what are the chances I'll come into contact with them?  Slim.

 

Ugh.  Well, nothing is getting better while I'm sitting here doing nothing.  That's why I am so stuck.  The best part of my day energy-wise is used up in an anxious, confused state while I am afraid to do anything.  Sigh.  It just is.  Acceptance.  I'm in purgatory.  Biding my time.  I have never been that type of person.  I have always believed that doing something is better than doing nothing.  Now I am so afraid of a meltdown that I do nothing.  I'm very clumsy when I have Akathisia.  If I spill the laundry detergent I might become overwhelmed and start to cry or scream.  I don't want to do that in front of my daughter.  Even cooking is fraught with danger.  But I have to do some things despite the risks.  Otherwise, everything falls apart.

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Rabe

Oh Rosetta...my heart aches that you are having such a rough day!  

Are you able to go and then come back if things get too intense there?  If your feelings get too overwhelming?  Can you leave?

What I know is that through all that is happening right now you will find your way....you aways have and you will today as well...whatever the path is it will be ok.  It is ok.

You are ok.  I wonder if your warm wrap would help...or make something cooler on your face...I know that helps me sometimes...the change in temperature.

Know that my heart and thoughts are SO with you!  Love and hugs!!💜

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Rosetta

Thanks @Rabe. Maybe the hot bath helped.  I had some cereal, too.  Maybe the adrenaline or cortisol wore off.  Had hot shower just now.  Maybe I can go.  No way to duck out once I'm there.  That would require my husband to leave, too.  Often, once I'm out of the house I can handle it.  It's getting dressed that is really hard.  Trying to find a matching outfit that is clean.  Sometimes I just don't match.  Oh, well.  I'm sure people notice that something is odd.  I'm odd.  Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't.  But it gets old.  I see these people once or twice a year.  Each year I think that the next year I'll be completely well.  Getting dressed won't be an ordeal.  Leaving the house won't be hard.  Being there won't feel bad.  I won't be irritated.  I won't want to isolate.  Etc, etc.. This is the Three Kings Day luncheon.  It used to be fun.  Lots of things used to be fun.

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Rosetta

My day was awful.  We made it there 1 and 1/2 hours late, and I was in a pretty good mood considering the morning.  Then, my husband saw his brother there.  That was a surprise.  We have had a very difficult time with him and his wife.  We avoid them. They never come to this event.  

 

I tried to ignore them, but this was a very small gathering (10 adults), and they insisted on hugging me.  They always corner me like that and force me to either be rude or hug them.  The last time I avoided the hug it was big deal, and how could I, and my MIL got upset, etc etc.   So I hugged them.  After that my anger and resentment started to grow, the Akathisia came back, and I started to feel like crying.  Usually, my MIL warns us if his brother will be there.  She didn't this time.  We would have stayed home.  That's probably why she didn't warn us.  

 

Being in WD makes it very hard to deal with anger.  The only solution is to avoid people.  So, I had to leave.  I was becoming very, very angry and upset, and I knew all I could do was leave.  So, I went for a walk.  I felt worse, and I called my husband.  He brought my daughter out, and we left.  I'm sure everyone else will feel that was overkill, but not for me.  I cried all the way home.  I was really looking forward to spending time with these cousins the way we do every year.  It's usually so nice. My daughter cried because we made her leave, of course.  

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wantrelief

I am so sorry the family event did not go as hoped, Rosetta.  It is really great, however, that you took care of yourself and got out of a situation that was causing distress and perhaps more distress if you had stayed.  I hope you are doing ok now that you are home.  Lots of hugs - WR.

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Rabe

I dont think it was right for them to take over your personal space and put you on the spot like that.  I also dont think it was right of your MIL not to let you know they would be there....knowing problems exist in the relationships and knowing you are fragile as it is.  That would feel so bad Rosetta and I am so sorry.  That was kind of a no win situation under the circumstances and I dont understand people doing that...but I have witnessed an awful lot that I simply dont understand as to how people treat others...it just makes no sense to me.  I used to say I would rather be kind than right.  But seems there are an awful lot of people who feel whatever they do is right and ok...no matter what the consequence to others.  I am sorry you had to deal with that today.  I hope you will give yourself a ton of credit for being able to pull things together and go, for leaving and going for a walk, and then for leaving entirely.  You did the best you could today.  I for one am sure proud of all you did do...hope you will be too once everything settles and you can get a better perspective on things.  Sending love and hugs!!💜  

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jozeff

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I'm sorry your visit didn't go a planned and wasn't relaxed at all. You were brave to go there and just handle the situation but it was just to overwhelming how things turned out. 

 

These things you probably didn't even think about in the past can be very difficult at the moment.

 

Don't blame yourself for leaving, you chose to protect your feelings. Maybe they understand maybe they don't but that doesn't really matter because it's your body and your struggle and they are not going to solve your problems when you wake up anxious in the night.

 

My MIL was very upset when I didn't show up on her birthday once. My wife's explanation (WD) didn't help a bit. I just keep hearing that I wasn't there. She never even asked why and if I felt better now, she just kept being upset about the fact. They never ever ask me about my struggling. 

 

Focus on yourself, don't expect too much from others. Embrace the people who do understand you!

 

 

Good luck and hugs!

 

 

Jozeff

 

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

That was a tough day for you.  The more I read of your journals, the more I understand just what kind of situation you are in.  Very hard dealing with those symptoms, I do understand, I've been in that space too when I was drug-free and of course now I'm back on drugs and still facing similar stuff.

 

I think it was blooming' amazing that you managed to get there and not flip out over being late and feeling pretty good.  Then the awkward family relationships - yes, I understand how hard it is to cope with the anger when it comes up.  I find if I let anger take hold too much I get close to flipping out.  Good that you made choices to de-escalate that and get yourself out in time.

 

Hope you see some better times tomorrow.

 

Thinking of you

 

Neroli 💜

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BB1979

Hey Rosetta,

Just wanted to say hello and let you know I've been following you for months since I joined the site, even before as I would read without logging in.  You give me hope in that we have somewhat similar stories.  I, too, am a mom to a young girl.  She is 3 and this nightmare has been going on since she was 2.  I feel a little robbed in that I'm not able to enjoy her best younger years?  Anyway, thank you for your posts.  Totally relatable and it comforts me when you have windows, praying mine are coming soon!  I was on Zoloft for 20 years and CT due to adverse reaction but not before the doctors med hopped with my system.  Some days barely able to function, but I look for the positives that it's not as bad as April.  Yesterday was 9 months off Zoloft and January 30th will be 8 months off everything.  So fingers crossed.  Did you ever do a reinstatement?  I'm sure I'm too far out, but I just don't think I could ever force myself down that road again, as bad as I feel now.  The Band-Aid has been ripped off and now I'm just gonna have to trudge through.  No matter how long it takes.  Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and hope things are on the up and up for you now!!

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Sheera

@Rosetta I’m hoping your day is better than yesterday. What a tough one—but you made it!!!  You are strong and so good to do self-care and leave when you needed to. Even though it’s hard, self care is so important during this time and I know it will help even when we’re fully healed.  Having your daughter be upset about leaving must have been the hardest thing. Hopefully you have put it behind you now.  I really really hope your day is better today and you are finding some things to do that make you feel some peace and joy. ❤️

 

Hugs—Sheera

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that stress yesterday. You did the right thing leaving, you don’t need to stay in an abusive environment when you have the choice of leaving. Yay, for taking care of yourself. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

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Rosetta

Monday (yesterday) was hard.  Anxious essentially all day.  This morning (Tuesday) I had a terrible crying spell.  Sleep has been difficult the past two nights.  Only one or two cortisol wake ups.  Rarely are they causing nausea.  Sometimes they cause hot flashes that are relatively mild.  Mostly they cause a great deal of worry about the future and a feeling of no hope -- none at all, and SI.  Really strong SI last night and this morning.  Feeling very depressed, anxious and worthless.  So very, very worthless.  As if life isn't worth living.  Wishing I'd never been born -- that kind of thing.

 

So anxious this morning that I cried, but I went to volunteer with red eyes and all.  All I did was paperwork.  Nothing with the kids.  Picked my daughter up after school and went out to dinner.  Need to get her to bed now.  

 

Having no akathisia today.  At least not in my body. 

 

Today was my grandfather's birthday.  He passed away 7 1/2 years ago.  I was horribly anxious today, but numb to sadness.  My husband had CT scan today.  He's very anxious about that.  It was the first day back to school.  My daughter's pretty revved up.  I just feel irritated and hopeless.

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Rabe

Rosetta I am thinking about you so hard and am hoping that you will be able to get better sleep tonight and that your fears and worries will calm.  I empathize with your feelings.  It is so hard not to feel worthless when comparing ourselves to others living life not dealing with WD.


It is hard to see much good at these times...I wanted to say that although your sleep is interrupted it sounds better...the cortisol spikes and symptoms, from what you wrote, are better.  I do remember when the hormones are a factor things emotionally are more intense?  

 

Im also thinking that perhaps you are not numb to the sadness...but it is coming out in a different way.  I know how much your grandfather meant to you.  Plus your husbands CT...those alone could make one fearful, worried, sad, and anxious in the best of times.  

 

I know you feel worthless but the fact is you are not.  You do far more than you realize and give yourself credit for even in the midst of all you are dealing with.  I understand the feelings....I just dont believe they are true.  You help so many people!!

 

Last thing I wanted to say is that you seem to be having less of the physical symptoms and more neuro symptoms.  You know far more than I, but perhaps having more of those is actually a good sign...that things farther away from the brain are healing and now it is time for the brain to heal....so emotions and thoughts and all will rev up.

I dont know...I just know that I send you love and hugs my dearest friend and hold you tenderly in my heart in prayers!!💜

 

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Rosetta

Thank you, Rabe for putting a positive spin on it.  That helps.

 

Another hard night, but I did sleep.  I had a couple of cortisol spikes that were medium-mild.  In the morning, I woke up feeling that I wished it wasn't morning.   However, no crying today.  I felt somewhat ok for a few hours today.  I went for a walk this morning.

 

(I also went for a walk on Monday afternoon. I'm not sure anything really helps when the waves gets deep, but a walk does t seem to hurt.)

 

Now, the tension and vibrations are back in my legs.  I started feeling crummy on the way back from the 3:00 music class.  Feeling a bit of tension in my jaw, neck and eye.

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Rabe

   Hi Rosetta...Im so glad to read things are some better today....a walk is nice.  Take care!  Thinking of you!💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

it's been rough for you again, and again you are keeping on dealing with it and getting on with the things you can.  Tough woman, right there.

 

Let's hope you have a wee glimpse of a window soon - just to give you a boost again.

 

Thinking of you.

 

love and best wishes

 

Neroli 💜

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Carmie

I’m sooooo sorry you’re struggling so much Rosetta, 

 

You are such a beautiful person and it’s not fair that you are going through this. It’s not fair that any of us are going through this because of what doctors and pharmaceutical companies have done to us. It is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t gone through withdrawals what it’s like. You will get there in the end, I know it doesn’t feel like it, and no matter how many positive messages you get it still hurts to go through this. I’m really sorry. Sending you a big hug🤗

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FarmGirlWorks

All those things above, @Rosetta , are stressful especially when in the midst of dealing with WD. It's tough... keep on walking and just moving this as best as you can. Thinking of you.

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Rabe

Just thinking about you and hoping today offered some peace along the way...love and hugs Rosetta!💜

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Rosetta

Last night and today were better.  There was a fair amount of anxiety right before bed last night and after breakfast today. I woke up feeling very anxious this morning, and I had two or three wake ups in the night.  I have not have the terrible spikes that I had when I was taking magnesium, but I'm still not sure that abandoning the magnesium was necessary either.  I volunteered for art this morning. It's Friday and that makes life easier.  Ever since I stopping having my daughter's friend over on Saturday mornings my Friday nights are less stressful.  Yes, that's the sad truth.  The anticipatory anxiety of his grandmother coming over was very intense.

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

Thank you for your very supportive comments on my thread.

 

Sounds like you may be having it a bit easier at the moment - I hope so, some respite is so lovely.

 

Good that you've had some relief from the anxiety by arranging not to have your Saturday morning filled with activity.

 

Wishing you well

 

Neroli 💜

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta, so glad to read things are better.  It is hard to feel how you are is affecting your child/children, but ultimately what is best for you is best for them.  I can understand why you would feel anxious about having guests over...there is much you are worried about with the house I think and that would just uptick the emotions. And perhaps it is nice for you and your daughter to have some time on the weekends especially if you are feeling better.

How did the CT go?  I have been thinking about that a lot.  

I hope the sleep and all continue to go well today.  Love nd hugs Rosetta.  Thank you again for your thoughts and support.  I am SO very grateful!!💜 

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Rosetta

Today was ok.  I'm feeling less emotion over the past couple of days.  There are some flare ups of anxiety here and there at random moments.  Mostly, my emotions are blunted, and that's been very nice the last couple of days!! There's been some drama with my husband's family today.  So, I'm glad I'm not feeling neuro-emotion level anxiety about that.  

 

My husbands CT scan caused him to feel bad for a couple of days.  The iodine solution that is delivered via IV does that to some people, but he's better today.  Thanks for asking, Rabe.  We have no results yet.  

 

Off to bed.  I need the world to stop and let me take a break, but that's not going to happen.  I never expected 2nd grade to be a relentless grind.  I know it wasn't that way when I was a kid.  

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Rosetta

Today was all right.  Less anxiety upon waking up than I have had in ages.  Very little anxiety in the day -- so surprising.  This has probably been the best day I have had in a very long time.  My body seemed to be working well, too.  Gives me hope for healing.

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Carmie

That’s soooo great Rosetta, 

 

You’ve made my day hearing that too. Yes, you are healing, you will definitely get there one day💚

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Today was all right.  Less anxiety upon waking up than I have had in ages.  Very little anxiety in the day -- so surprising.  This has probably been the best day I have had in a very long time.  My body seemed to be working well, too.  Gives me hope for healing.

Wonderful news, Rosetta!  I am so glad you had such a good day!  :)

 

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Rabe
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today was all right.  Less anxiety upon waking up than I have had in ages.  Very little anxiety in the day -- so surprising.  This has probably been the best day I have had in a very long time.  My body seemed to be working well, too.  Gives me hope for healing.

Oh Rosetta....my heart sings reading this!  May many more follow!!!!  Love and hugs to you!!💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

From me, too, so good to hear you have had a good day.  It makes a difference - a well-deserved break and a dash of hope for continued stability.

 

Thank you for your comments on my thread, you always have something encouraging to say and practical suggestions.  I'd like to thank you, as well, for being around over the xmas/new year break - having you and Rabe and Wantrelief and Carmie to talk to really helped with the holiday period.

 

So, second week back at work and things seem to be settling a bit.  "The memo" is under construction, still but am getting more clarity and less anxious about looking like a gonzo by saying something "wrong".  At times I think to myself, "after all the s**t I"ve gone through with this drug damage, really, is there anything to worry about at the age of 61 if I send a memo that someone doesn't agree with"?  Kind of taking things more philosophically, turning round the habit of a lifetime of always thinking I'm going to be exposed as a no-hoper.  Isn't this time, this time of WD and coping with very trying circumstances, the best time to let all that rubbish go?

 

Anyway, wish you more good days - inching forwards always

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

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Rosetta

Thanks, Rabe, Neroli, Carmie and Wantrelief.  It's great to be able to share some good news with you!! I was a real downer there for a while.  Today has been pretty good, too.  It's been raining.  I walked some yesterday, but not today.  

 

Today, I had to help my daughter decorate a paper doll in the traditional costume of Spain.  That took most of my day, and I'm so glad I had the window open in order to get it done without a lot of frustration!!!  I had to cut out felt clothes and shoes, an apron and a headscarf.  Then she helped me glue them to the cardstock doll that her teacher sent home.   With this doll we are finished with the "ancestors" social studies project she has had as homework for the last month or so.  

 

I'm still having very anxious wake ups through the night and I feel terrible when it's time to get up.  But I'm trudging along until the anxiety dissipates each day.  

 

It has been 94 days since the last visit from Mother Nature.   

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta..

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

 It's great to be able to share some good news with you!! I was a real downer there for a while.  Today has been pretty good, too.

The good news is always so wonderful to hear but this has a definitive lighter spirit behind it it seems...as if you are really believing this may really be.  It is really lovely to hear this from you!  No you were not a downer!!!!  You were honestly sharing your experiences which helped and continues to help us all.  Bless you always for caring so much to be here though the good and the bad.  And so happy to hear today was another good day.  

The doll sounds wonderful...what a fun project for you two to be able to share together!  Happiness is these kinds of moments.  There will be many many more!

Hope your husband is doing well.  Take care Rosetta!💜 

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Rabe

Just thinking about you Rosetta.💜

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Rosetta

Thank you, Rabe.  I'm headed to bed early.  It's been a busy week, and I'm hoping the art class goes well tomorrow.  I'm doing fine.  I've been irritable today, but I had my walk and other than the early morning anxiety and waking with anxiety, I have felt OK.  Cog fog is there and some obsessing.  Overall, I'm still in a window.

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Rabe

WOW!  SO happy to hear, Rosetta!!  YAY!  Hope class goes really well tomorrow!  Sleep well!💜

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Rosetta

Class went well.  Thanks, Rabe.  I woke up very anxious, but I made my way through it to get to the school, prepare the materials and teach it.  The good news is that I had to improvise and use substitute materials, but I didn't get frustrated or fixated on everything being just so.  The paper I wanted to use didn't work out -- not enough of it, the crayon instead of oil pastel -- because the oil pastels are a mess and take too much time to sort . . . I wasn't fixated, I wasn't frustrated, I just worked through calmly.  This is really a big deal.  I'm making such progress.  

 

I can tell that I don't feel as well as I did yesterday -- that I'm sliding out of the window.  That makes me sad.  Yet I did fine for the class.  I took a walk today, too -- up a big hill to see a view of the mountains to the East.  I didn't want to, but I did it.  I had to retreat when we got home from school and be alone for a while.  I was ok with having to do that.  I didn't feel that the world would  spin out of control if I retreated.  So, a lot of the fear I used to feel about needing to take time for myself is in retreat.  I'm still very upset about the messy house.  I do have hope that will be something I can fix, but I'm also aware that it may be a few months before I can really make a difference on that.  That troubles me a lot.  I don't want to live in this mess one more day.  I have to.  I have to keep patching the dam, putting on the band aids, and working around the problems the mess causes.  It just is.  Sigh.  No way out but through.

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Rabe

Im happy to hear you had a good class Rosetta, and a nice view from the oil...and that you took care of yourself and was able to give yourself permission to retreat without feeling bad about it....that IS progress...well MORE progress!  You will have plenty of time to deal with the clutter...healing from the inside out.  You still manage to deal with the most important things...and that is incredible and always has been.  The rest can and will wait and be there later.  Take care my friend!  Love and hugs!💜

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DaveB
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Class went well.  Thanks, Rabe.  I woke up very anxious, but I made my way through it to get to the school, prepare the materials and teach it.  The good news is that I had to improvise and use substitute materials, but I didn't get frustrated or fixated on everything being just so.  The paper I wanted to use didn't work out -- not enough of it, the crayon instead of oil pastel -- because the oil pastels are a mess and take too much time to sort . . . I wasn't fixated, I wasn't frustrated, I just worked through calmly.  This is really a big deal.  I'm making such progress.  

 

I can tell that I don't feel as well as I did yesterday -- that I'm sliding out of the window.  That makes me sad.  Yet I did fine for the class.  I took a walk today, too -- up a big hill to see a view of the mountains to the East.  I didn't want to, but I did it.  I had to retreat when we got home from school and be alone for a while.  I was ok with having to do that.  I didn't feel that the world would  spin out of control if I retreated.  So, a lot of the fear I used to feel about needing to take time for myself is in retreat.  I'm still very upset about the messy house.  I do have hope that will be something I can fix, but I'm also aware that it may be a few months before I can really make a difference on that.  That troubles me a lot.  I don't want to live in this mess one more day.  I have to.  I have to keep patching the dam, putting on the band aids, and working around the problems the mess causes.  It just is.  Sigh.  No way out but through.

 

It seems like you are doing SO much better than before. I know obviously it is still a grind, but look at all you accomplish now. Great job!

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