Jump to content
Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

Recommended Posts

Rosetta

Thanks Neroli.  I hope you are ok.

 

Journal: 

 

I have been coping pretty well since Friday afternoon except for extreme frustration and anger today from about 12-2:00.   I went shopping on Friday night for my daughter's birthday party.  Usually, that is impossibly frustrating as I can't think straight through anxiety.   I was able to get packed up and ready to head out to my mother in law's by the time I went to bed.  Also, I had very strong tension in my muscles Friday.  Falling asleep was difficult.  I had no idea how I would feel the next morning.  

 

Saturday morning went fine.  Low anxiety.  What luck. The party on Saturday was exhausting, but my brain worked, and I handled the stress well.  There were no disasters the way there were when we hosted the two preschool friends last weekend.  There were 10 kids this time instead of 4.  I had 8 parents to host, but the moms helped me.  Yet, it was easier than last weekend. That's the difference between a good day and a bad day with this syndrome.  I never know what kind of day it will be.

 

On Sunday, I was wiped out, but I went to the store and bought materials to decorate my daughter's teacher's classroom door and another mom helped me make the banner.  I found it out this this was a "thing" on Saturday at the party.  Sure enough, almost all the doors were decorated today.  Those that were not stood out.  This new "Pinterest" culture gets crazy, but I didn't want the teacher's feelings hurt.  There is another mom who is helping me this week at least.

 

My appetite has been poor.  Even so, I ate a full breakfast this morning.  Today, I was trying to send out emails to the classroom's parents for teacher appreciation week.  Sometimes the software helps me by populating the email address after a few letters and sometimes it doesn't.  I ended up typing them all in over and over, 24 email addresses, and getting the emails wrong so they were rejected.  I kept getting very confused and frustrated.  The software changes so fast that I can't keep up.  My iPad will not even allow me to use email now.  I can't see my desktop screen.  My bifocals don't allow me to see it.  So, I'm doing all of this on my phone.  I had a near--meltdown.  Im glad that my daughter was at school.

 

I have had the Akathisia feeling in my legs -- kind of a RLS feeling --- since last night at bedtime.  My ability to ignore frustration is so compromised when I have that nervous vibration in my muscles.  Today, my face is tight and painful.  I'm clumsy.  

 

It's very clear that there is a strong connection between intense symptoms and the hormonal cycle.

 

Right now I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to fall asleep.  I hate to leave my daughter watching tv.  I don't know whether I should stay up with her or try to nap.  I'd like to go for a walk in the sun, but I don't have the energy.  

 

Share this post


Link to post
wantrelief
4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The party on Saturday was exhausting, but my brain worked, and I handled the stress well.

I am so happy for you that your brain was working well and you handled all of that stress so well...what a relief!   It sounds like there are still challenges but overall it really sounds like things are moving in the right direction. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
DMV64
12 hours ago, Rosetta said:

as I can't think straight through anxiety.

Hello...

Oh boy can I relate to this. I cannot put two thoughts together in anxiety. I hate it.

Been thinking of you as I am healing slowly. Hope today is a good day.

Share this post


Link to post
Rabe

Hi Rosetta,  I am so happy to hear the birthday went well...that is a blessing and a testament to your perseverance.  Also glad you decorated the doors...good grief!  Seems so ridiculous given what you deal with daily...but in the everyday world that is important, mostly to your daughter so Im so happy that went ok as well.  

16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

t's very clear that there is a strong connection between intense symptoms and the hormonal cycle.

I think this is so true...but also think there is a strong connection between symptoms and stress...and you have had a lot of that lately!!!  Hope you have time to take care of you for a bit!  Love and hugs Rosetta!!!💜

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

@wantrelief @DMV64 @Rabe  Thanks, you three.  Yes, it was a relief that all went well.  The yo-yo string is sometimes threatening to break and send me flying off into the upper atmosphere, but it hasn't yet!!

 

Yesterday, I did fall asleep sitting up again.  I wondered if that might happen.  It's so odd.  It's was as if I took cold medicine, but I hadn't. My brain is not regulating anything properly.  How we live through this I'm not sure.  

 

Today, I went for a walk, but I didn't feel like it.  It was a short walk.  I feel so tired.  I feel that I need a vacation, and yet I know that a vacation would do nothing to relax me.  I have been trying to use Brassmonkey's silver suit meditation.  I skipped gymnastics today.  I wanted to stay home and just watch TV.  That was all I felt I could do.  Tonight I'm wiped out.  It's 7:45, and I can't wait to go to bed.

 

This week is busy.  There is a field trip tomorrow, talent show rehearsal after school, art on Friday morning and talent show on Friday night.  I hope I get some energy.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

I skipped gymnastics on Tuesday afternoon.

 

I went on the field trip on Wednesday morning.

 

My husband went to the talent show rehearsal Wednesday afternoon, but my daughter woke up sick this morning.  I haven't been able to put enough effort into helping my daughter with her act, and the rehearsal went very poorly.  Her throat is sore now after a cough that has been going on since Sunday.  So, she missed school today which means she missed the school hours performance.  She doesn't want to perform tomorrow night.  I'm sad, but this is how it goes sometimes.  I would rather she miss it than be embarrassed due to the lack of time I had these past couples of weeks to help her practice.

 

I suppose I'll teach art tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to it, but it will probably be ok.  

 

Today, I had a hard time waking up, and I felt so desperately lethargic and sleepy that I wanted to go back to bed after trying to get my daughter ready for school.  But my daughter couldn't go back to sleep, and my friend, whom I haven't seen for many weeks, came over.  

 

My friend usually visits me on Thursdays.  Lately, I have been so anxious on Thursday mornings that I forget she's coming, and I go with my husband because I don't want to be alone.  Today, I barely remembered.   I took her to have tea, and we had a good talk.  She was telling me about her comically frustrating last few weeks during which all sorts of unfortunate, but minor in the grand scheme of things, accidents have happened to her and her family.  She's very good at weathering stressful situations and laughing at her own misfortune.  I always feel better after I see her.

 

The fatigue I had earlier today lifted.  I have to admit that getting a reprieve from the stress of seeing my daughter try to deal with the talent show has made me feel . . . Well ... Extremely Relieved.  This is a very familiar feeling from the time when I was on Celexa and Zoloft.  If anything was cancelled or rescheduled, no matter whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, I felt great relief -- almost joy.  Anticipatory anxiety/stress has been a part of my life for nearly 18 years.  I recall being in a group therapy where all the people talked about having anxiety, and I didn't.  I felt so bad for them.  We were all on some sort of AD, but I hadn't been on mine very long.  I look back and realize that this constant anticipatory anxiety was never a part of my life prior to ADs.  I used to feel excitement and stress if I had a test or a paper due, but I never considered it to be an overwhelming anxiety that would make me want to avoid the situation at all cost -- including foregoing the potential reward from facing the situation and succeeding.  

 

Today, I feel that same near joy -- situation avoided -- without the extreme fear that avoiding the situation will result in a permanent disadvantage to the rest of my life.  That extreme fear has accompanied almost every missed opportunity brought about by my anticipatory anxiety for a couple of years now.  I'm sad, of course.  I'm worried that my daughter will try to avoid performing after this "bad experience," but I feel that is something both she and I are capable of working out later.  It's rare that I feel ok about missing out on an opportunity for my daughter to achieve something that enhances her self confidence.   This time I felt that the harm from pushing her to perform when she's sick and unprepared would outweigh any benefit.  

 

Maybe this is proof of an increased ability to weigh pros and cons and make decisions without crippling anxiety short circuiting my executive function.  I know it's simply lucky that I have this functionality on a day that I need it and that the non-linear nature of neuroplastic healing means I'll be a quivering stress case again someday under similar circumstances, but I'm glad I'm coping right now.  Hopefully, all the inconsistencies in my moods and behavior will not permanently damage my daughter's development if I can keep experiencing improvements.  I'm worried that it has all ready done so.  I'm wondering if we can reverse that damage instead of feeling certain that she's irretrievably broken.  That's a good sign of neuro-emotion symptom improvement.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rabe

Im so glad you are coping well right now Rosetta....but I feel you always cope well given what you are dealing with at any given time.  Always incredible to me.  

I dont believe your daughter and irretrievably broken...I just dont.  There is too much goodness and love and concern from you as a mother for her not to feel that...you always give her 100+ percent....she wont forget that.  Love and hugs! 💜

 

Its interesting because I worry that my kids who are grown will forget all the good times we had together as they are up with me and the dogs.  It is hard at any age I think...

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thanks, Rabe. Your kids won't forget the good times.  I'm sure of that.

 

Journal:

 

Yesterday went ok.  Art went well, and my neuro-anger has been fading over the last week.  I was able to deal with the situation as if nothing had happened.  On Thursday morning, I went to give the teacher muffins for teacher appreciation week and the other art volunteer teacher was there for her classroom volunteer time.  She was preparing to hang up one of my art projects.  That was an olive branch.

 

Edit: I forgot to mention that after I picked up my daughter from school yesterday and had an early dinner I fell asleep on the couch!  We were watching TV cartoons, and I dozed.  Last night, the time I spent lying awake in the early hours was quite short comparatively.

 

In the night when I wake up I feel less anger.  The aches in my joints and the contraction of my muscles has been bothering me over the last few days.  Today, it's less intense than it has been in the past.  I suppose this is what people mean when they say they have flu-like symptoms.  In the past, I didn't understand the analogy as my muscle contractions were much more intense.  Maybe it's a matter of degree.  Just as not everyone developers WD syndrome not everyone feels it to the same degree across all symptoms.  As usual, reading and writing exacerbates the contraction of the muscles in my neck, face and temple, all on the right side, and in my leg and foot on the right side, too.  So strange that reading and writing should affect my leg and foot.

 

Otherwise, I'm grateful to be free of Akathisia and cog fog and anxiety today.  I was reading another person's thread, a person who joined this site in 2011.  The person described being unable to get jokes, inability to find the word he wanted to use, and taking others' statements literally when they used common euphemisms.  I recognize all of those as symptoms I don't have presently.  Such a relief, but I continue to feel awe at what that drug and the discontinuation of it did to my brain and my body.  It's terrifying.  It's hard for me to feel safe out in public knowing that almost anyone could be walking around or driving around with a severely compromised brain while their doctor is in denial.

 

I'm feeling a bit of welcome resignation and disinterest today.  I know it's not normal, but I'm just glad to have a feeling of "meh" to everything although, intellectually, I know that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  I'm just glad my brain is giving me a break even though my body hurts right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:


Otherwise, I'm grateful to be free of Akathisia and cog fog and anxiety today.  

 

Glad you're having a well-deserved break, Rosetta!

Share this post


Link to post
Rabe

I am feeling SO happy for you as read your post Rosetta!  Always grateful to see and hear the waves recede!  Hope you have a lovely Mothers Day!!!  Love and hugs to you my dear friend!!💜

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thank you, Gridley, and thank you, Rabe.  Yes, it's nice to get a break.  

 

I feel more or less ok, not much anxiety, but some Today I feel depression too, at 12 noon.  Depression doesn't scare me like anxiety.  It's a more comfortable feeling for me.  I'm a little nervous and unsettled.  Some intrusive thoughts.  Other people's reactions to me confuse me.  It's hard to remember that they are probably acting the way they are for reasons that have nothing to do with me.  Sometimes I feel that I've said the wrong thing, but I have no idea what was wrong with what I said.  So, I've been obsessing over someone's attitude toward me.  It's so uncomfortable.  With certain people this doesn't happen and with others it seems to be frequent.  

 

I try to tell myself that social awkwardness is common and normal.  It's unavoidable.  I think it bothers me more than it does some people because my mother was abusive.  I was always on high alert for signs of her mood in order to try to protect myself -- which was impossible.  I'm aware of other people's moods, and I always think their moods are caused by something I did.  I try to be aware of this and ignore my concerns.  It's hard to do.

 

Yesterday, I was very lethargic.  I fell asleep on the couch before bedtime, and when I woke up, I was very depressed.  More healing?

 

I did nothing all day but lie around, watch tv and wish I had the energy to drag my kid out into the sunshine.  She resists that so much that it feels like too much effort to get myself out there if I have to take her with me.  We both need it, but she never wants to go.  I don't know exactly why.  If we do go, she enjoys it and sometimes tells me she's glad I made her go.  But it's a lot of effort.  I don't have the energy sometimes.  My husband thinks she resists because as far back as she can remember the act of trying get out of the house has meant extreme anxiety on my part and often resulted in a meltdown.  It's the anticipatory anxiety issue again.

 

When I went to bed I cried.  I miss my grandmother.  I miss my home where I lived with her.  She developed dementia when I was about 15.  She lived until I was 28.   That was a very long time.  The last 4 years she was in a nursing home.  I wonder if that issue had a lot to do with my depression.  I coped all right -- enough to get by and do well in school, but just 2 months after she died my grandfather had a girlfriend.  She was very possessive of him.  She refused to let me have any time alone with him.  I mean zilch even though I only visited twice before they married.  I lived 1500 miles away.  They married only 7 months after my grandmother died.  He became very cruel to me and very hateful about the fact that I was still grieving.  I still despise him for that.  He actually called my grandmother "water under the bridge" when I went to a room alone and cried because he was getting married.  He was very angry about that even though I tried to do it private.  I was not allowed to grieve.  So, I left and I didn't see him again for 6 years.  Eventually, he saw her for what she was, and we reconciled, but I never got over the way he had acted.  She was 20 years younger than him, but she died about a year or so after I reconciled with him.  That was a huge relief to me.  He never apologized, of course.

 

Last night at bedtime, I felt that feeling that my life is wasted and worthless.  Maybe Mother's Day caused these emotions, but they were so intense that I think WD had something to do with them.  Having to call my mother on Mothers Day makes so very, very angry.  I am so sick of having to go through the motions when I feel that her abuse is the reason I am in this predicament. 

 

When I woke up this morning I had a cortisol awakening.  I had no jolt to my heart, but I woke up feeling fear and impending doom.  It wore off after about an hour.  I'm getting in the shower so that we can go to my MIL's.  

 

My daughter gave me a card she made for me at school.  It was a little book.  She had colored in the pre-printed pictures and finished pre-printed sentences.  She also made little magnets out of glass tiles.  She drew pictures and glued them to the bottom of the tiles and then glued magnets on.  That cheered me up a bit.  

Share this post


Link to post
neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

I'm so grateful for your kind message on my thread.  You are still pushing through but it seems that some things get a little better and you are having some relief.

 

12 hours ago, Rosetta said:

My daughter gave me a card she made for me at school.  It was a little book.  She had colored in the pre-printed pictures and finished pre-printed sentences.  She also made little magnets out of glass tiles.  She drew pictures and glued them to the bottom of the tiles and then glued magnets on.  That cheered me up a bit.

 

Fabulous - I bet she really enjoyed making it for you.  

 

love

 

Neroli 

Share this post


Link to post
DMV64

Rosetta,

I am really amazed at your ability to write so clearly your feelings and what is happening with you. To me it shows your brain is healing. Thank you for writing. It helps me to feel not so alone.

xo

D

 

Share this post


Link to post
DMV64
17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

ut I woke up feeling fear and impending doom.

Me every morning. So horrible.

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Thinking of you💚

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thanks, Carmie.  

 

Wantrelief, it is so exhausting isn't it.  I can honestly say I would rather have died because I never took ADs than to have suffered through this.  There is no comparison between this and good old fashioned depression no matter how deep.

 

In the night, I woke up feeling very depressed.  Fortunately, I wasn't awake very long.

 

I had another cortisol awakening this morning just after it was light.  Fear and all.  I felt very hot and then I had a chill when the hot feeling wore off.  Today, I went for a walk in the morning.  I came home and developed a pretty bad tension headache all over my head, jaw and neck not only on the right side.  I still have it.  I just took an ibuprophen pill.

 

When I picked up my daughter I realized that I had forgotten about the volunteer appreciation event at the school today.  I was sad to have missed that.  I was looking forward to it.  It's very hard for me to remember anything when I feel bad.

 

Onward . . .

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

I fell asleep on the couch for a little while, and I woke up feeling very depressed.  I guess this is the new "toxic nap."  I wake up with depression instead of fear.  It's really intense depression.  

 

I'm also having an Akathisia type feeling in my arms and legs, but it's mild.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Whew.  Today was so much better.  The middle of the night wasn't fun -- bad feelings when I woke up -- but it wasn't horrible either.  I did feel a bit of fear and had thoughts of death.  However, the actual awakening in the morning was ok.  Some sadness that I was able to endure.  

 

I was able to volunteer today, have a nice lunch, and go to the gymnastics class and dinner.  Emotionally, today was pretty good, I had no headache or even muscle tension to speak of.  So odd how the muscle problems seem to turn off and on as if a switch were involved.  It's the same with the depression and anxiety.  One day is awful and the next pretty much ok.  It must be fluctuating hormones and neurotransmitters.  Re-balancing.  So bizarre and difficult to experience, but I'm grateful for the nice day today.

 

Many of my stmptoms are fading and haven't returned such as hair loss, pain in my right forearms that required heating pads, life-threatening, intense SI, Depersonalization, derealization -  the world "looked" 2 dimensional, but not really -- it's very hard to explain -- insomnia, hyper-vigilance, feeling that my brain was "on" all day, terrible daymares, etc.  I'm so glad I seem to be feeling that those symptoms are in the past or at least much more mild than before.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
MikeysMum

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this Rosetta. Your story gives me hope. Hope the good days continue xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Dejavu
30 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Depersonalization, derealization -  the world "looked" 2 dimensional, but not really -- it's very hard to explain -- i

Rosetta, this is the most frightening symptom for me. You're right, it is very hard to explain. Stuff just doesn't look "right," and for me, it brings on DP/DR. Mine too, seems to be lessening in severity.

 

I've followed your thread for a while, and since I was also suffering so much, I didn't feel I had anything positive to offer you. You have certainly been through so much pain. But I sm so happy to see you're having a good day and that you're gaving overall improvement. You're certainly on your way to healing. It is well-deserved. Hugs!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
wantrelief
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I'm so glad I seem to be feeling that those symptoms are in the past or at least much more mild than before.

This is so great to hear, Rosetta!  

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Today has been ok.  In the night I had some bad feelings, but I slept enough.  I woke up several times as usual, but there was no long period of sleeplessness.  The dystonia came back, and is very, very annoying.  It started sometime in the night.  My right jaw, cheek, temple, eye, neck, back, shoulder and chest are tight, and there is some twisting feeling in the neck.  My right toes, hip and thigh tingle and my calf is very tight in the front from the knee to the ankle.  That sounds terrible, but it's less bothersome than on some days.

 

Other than demotivation, dystonia is the only symptom that's very prominent.  Writing makes it worse.  I have low energy.  It's dreary outside, overcast and gloomy.  It's been a calm day.  

 

I went for a walk.  I took a shower this morning.  It's a lot easier to get in the shower than it used to be.  I don't feel as anxious about as I used to.   I took my daughter to school and picked her up.  I stayed home while she went to her music lesson.

 

Almost time for bed.  Grateful for the easy day.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Note:. My last two periods were March 14th and April 13th.  Symptoms were pretty bad around those times.  I was in a horrific wave on March 17th.  The April cycle was bad, but not as bad as March.  Today is May 15th, but I'm doing ok.  There are no signs that my period is coming unless dystonia is a sign.  It could be one.

Share this post


Link to post
Dejavu

Glad you had a calm day! 

Share this post


Link to post
neroli

Hi Rosetta

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Grateful for the easy day.

 

Good to hear you've had some ease from the symptoms.  Wishing you many more such days.

 

Neroli 💜

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thank you, Neroli.  Thank you, Dejavu.

 

This is partly something I wrote to another member. I have added a lot to it here, and I'm sure it's been said many times before, but it bears repeating:

 

How to avoid further harm at the hands of psychiatrists/doctors while in ADWD -- Avoid New Drugs

 

You are wise to avoid psychiatrists unless you could find one who understands how sensitive your system is and would fully understand that any new psychiatric drugs (and some antibiotics as well as adrenaline based numbing agents at the dentist's office) are completely out of the question for you.  That's the most important challenge in this thing we call ADWD -- the possibility that new drugs are more likely to do more harm than good (except for the very few that SA members have found to be worth the risk.  These will be recommended by moderators here.  Sometimes a member will find something that helps him or her, but I would be very cautious about trying anything other than fish oil and magnesium.).  

 

As for prescription drugs, for some reason that is very unfortunate, there are even fewer psychiatrists who understand that reinstating the drug that was removed is the only option that is in any way reasonably likely to help.  (Reinstatement is very tricky and must done with surprisingly small quantities.  Get advice from SA before you try it.  Often, it is not recommended.). Yet trying a new drug is precisely the advice that I see given to people time and time again by psychiatrists: "try something else."  Unless a Mod here suggests otherwise, avoid all new psychiatric drugs from this point forward if at all possible.  At times, some non-psychotropic drugs are necessary, but each one has the potential to further harm the sensitized system.  Most definitely avoid new psychiatric drugs!

 

You may be very tempted to try a new drug or a psychiatrst's help over the next few months.  I have had many bad waves during which I felt so awful that I questioned my resolve to stay drug free.  However, it is paying off now.  Please be aware that to many a psychiatrist who does not understand the particular iatrogenic harm we have suffered the only treatment is a new drug.  He believes that the old drug wasn't "working."  One doctor who IS aware says our syndrome is analogous to neurotoxin exposure.  Note it's "analogous" to that, not that we DID suffer neurotoxin exposure, but the idea of giving such a person a new AD drug is simply absurd except for very limited options.  (Those limited cases are identified by the moderators when they arise). The result of the harm that we have suffered is nearly identical to the syndrome cause by neurotoxins: a destabilized nervous system also known as a syndrome called "dysautonomia."  To risk further irritating that system with a New psychotropic substance is to misunderstand or even possibly be recklessly unaware of the possible harm and risk of severe consequences such a course of action would entail.  It seems unfathomable, but psychiatrists do this frequently.  

 

For me, once my system was destabilized severely by a cold drug switch, increasing the dosage of the new drug was the catalyst for further harm.  Increases were prescribed over and over again for literally 5 years.  The first harm to my system was from inconsistent dosing of the first AD.  I was never warned about inconsistent dosing, the danger of running out of the medication nor what symptoms to look for and seek help for should I miss doses.  Never.  Most likely my doctor had no earthly idea that this was an issue.  Eventually, that first AD, Celexa, was removed completely and suddenly and replaced by a second AD, Zoloft.  The dose of Zoloft was then raised time and again from 10 mg to 150 mg over the course of 5 years.  Finally, a benzo was added, Xanax.  That was the last straw for my nervous system.  It reacted poorly so much so that I identified the benzo as a factor.

 

It's hard for most people to imagine a doctor continually making the same mistake for 5 years while her patient became sicker and sicker and sicker, but that's precisely what happened.  In fact, there was never any attempt whatsoever to monitor me for side effects or adverse consequences.  I now have dystonia, but thankfully, it is resolving.  You can expect the treatment I received from any psychiatrst who might treat you now even though he may "know" you are showing signs of the very same harms detailed in the literature on adverse consequences for the drug in question.  

 

The doctor I saw prescribed the benzo, and luckily for me, I had a reaction to it.  Otherwise, I would be addicted to that.  Chances are that that benzo reaction sent me down the path to a my decision to rapidly taper Zoloft -- a removal no better than a CT.  That was the part that was really unfortunate about the benzo.  I had no idea that I needed to find a doctor who would recommend a very slow taper of Zoloft although SA existed at the time I quit Zoloft.  In fact, I saw a psychiatrst who prescribed a high dose of Trazodone!!!  It's unbelievable to me now, but this sort of malpractice is continuing to happen every single day even now.   My nervous system reacted accordingly to the Trazodone. It's a miracle I'm still alive.

 

Please, look for a psychiatrist who understand this syndrome when you are in a window.  Do not wait until your are in crisis to identify such a person.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley

Rosetta, you re such a wise and valuable person on this site.

 

Something you wrote, I think today, about hope I have saved and will use in my responses to members losing hope, if okay with you.

You are great!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

To the doctors:

 

It is my understanding that when people become suicidal that is when they are most vulnerable to the malpractice psychiatrists are committing everyday.  It's very important to refuse any and all new drugs if one is seeking help to keep one safe during such a time.  Psychiatrists inside inpatient facilities are apparently, in general, no more knowledgable than those outside.  This is your failing, doctors.  

 

You are the reason people do not want "help."  You chase symptoms that are in fact side effects or signs of iatrogenic harm caused by prior use of psychotropic drugs by prescribing new psychotropics drugs.  You ignore Akathisia.  Most of you have no idea that reintroduction of a tiny amount of the drug that was removed could be useful.  It is necessary to refuse for all but the tiniest dose of the drug removed prior.  However, such a dose will be mislabeled by you, the doctors, as "not a therapeutic dose."  

 

You ignore clear signs of tardive dystonia.  You ignore clear signs of tardive dyskinesia.  "Therapeutic dose" has nothing to do with treating a patient suffering from tardive Akathisia.  

 

There are far too many misinformed psychiatrists who cannot distinguish between dysautonomia, iatrogenic harm and the worsening of the patient's "original condition."  It appears that many psychiatrists are completely unaware of dysautonomia as an adverse consequence and are in denial that these drugs cause iatrogenic harm. 

 

You are completely aware that the pharmaceutical companies are doing the only research and that they have a financial conflict of interest, but you rely on their "research" findings regardless.  You never believe the patient.  You never even give the patient the benefit of the doubt.  I, as a person, in the midst of months of recurring akathisia have been able to find the answers, but you, by and large, have not even tried to share what you know with other doctors.  (A tiny fraction of you have, and I thank you.)

 

What are you, doctors, doing to fix this problem?  I am out of the danger zone now, but for those who have yet to travel my path, what are you doing to correct the disasterous malpractice that is profession wide?  That is killing people?

 

I am not recommending this to other patients, but I suffered through my suicidal episodes without the help of any doctor because I had a husband who understood that it was simply too dangerous for me to consult a psychiatrist.  I was never able to safely admit suicidal ideation to ANY doctor.  Not once was I ever able to get the help my husband and I needed.  This is the real failure of psychiatry: there are not many psychiatrists who understand enough to avoid almost daily life-threatening malpractice.  They are very likely to increase the risk of suicide via their misinformed prescribing practices.  I couldn't take the chance that forced "treatment" would increase the severity of my Akathisia and result in my death.   My husband couldn't take the risk that you, doctors, would increase the risk my child would lose her mother.

 

I felt that I had to resolve to not get help from doctors for myself and be willing to live with the consequences because the possibility I would survive on my own was infinitely greater than the near certainty you would cause further damage to my nervous system.  It was an enormous risk for me, but then again it was no risk AT ALL because the possibility that you would care for me without forcing a new medication into my body was nearly nil.  The possibility that you would increase the severity of my Akathisia was too great.  

 

I was lucky to have someone by my side helping me survive.  You, doctors, gave me no other choice.  You left me out in the cold after your colleagues destroyed my nervous system.  

 

We all need that person in our lives who understands and will sit with us until the wave passes.  Most of us are not that lucky.  For most of us, all we have are doctors and their ignorance that may kill us.  What are you doctors going to do about it?  Are you going to spread the word?  Are you going to encourage and try to fund independent research?  Or do you have another round of golf to play instead?  Here's an idea: spread the word while you play golf!!  When you are facing the end of your life I hope you remember me -- the person who has faced the end of hers without appropriate care or hope far too many times because you were silent.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Of course, @Gridley. Please do.

Share this post


Link to post
Dejavu
4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

To the doctors:

Bravo! Perfectly, painfully, truthfully stated.

 

You are amazing!!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thanks @Dejavu. I wasn't having neuro anger yesterday either.  That was pure me.

 

Journal:

 

Today has been ok.  No anxiety!  So rare to feel no anxiety.  Quite low energy, but I went for a walk anyway.  Volunteered for art and had lunch with my daughter.  I was at the school for 3 hours.  Then, I went to the library after school to get weekend books.  Another hour at the school.  Afterward, I had to go to the store for cat food and toilet paper.  My husband had asked me to, and I decided I could do it.  I took my daughter, stayed out way too long and became very, very fatigued.  Still no anxiety.  Home now resting.  This fatigue is so strong.  Its clearly a result of a malfunction in my body.  Once again, I'm just glad I'm not anxious.

 

My period is coming.  I'm very concerned that it will be awful,.  I'm afraid of getting akathisia or having meltdowns, but I can't do anything about that.  This is normal, rational concern, not out of this world chrmical anxiety.  So, that's a good sign. I'm trying to enjoy the moment eventhough my muscles are stiff.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

So much muscle tension pain today.  It makes me wish I could take my head off -- as if that might release the pressure.  The tension is in my chest, neck, shoulders, all around the back of the head, jaw, cheeks, temples.  I awoke in the night with this tension being very strong and the feeling was also in my legs and arms.  My joints are being pulled at by the muscles such that they ache and my knees feel unsteady as I use the stairs.  Again, I think this must be the flu-like symptoms that people report. 

 

I spent about two hours in a hot bath this morning.  It's the only thing that helps.  

 

 

My period started yesterday.  I never had this much muscle tension before during my period although I did have terrible headaches and cramps back then.

Share this post


Link to post
RichT
5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

So much muscle tension pain today.  It makes me wish I could take my head off -- as if that might release the pressure.  The tension is in my chest, neck, shoulders, all around the back of the head, jaw, cheeks, temples.  I awoke in the night with this tension being very strong and the feeling was also in my legs and arms.  My joints are being pulled at by the muscles such that they ache and my knees feel unsteady as I use the stairs.  Again, I think this must be the flu-like symptoms that people report. 

 

I spent about two hours in a hot bath this morning.  It's the only thing that helps.  

 

 

My period started yesterday.  I never had this much muscle tension before during my period although I did have terrible headaches and cramps back then.

 

Hi Rosetta,

 

i’ve experienced Similar symptoms - I felt like the muscles were hurting the bones! I hope you feel better soon. Hot baths are a great idea.

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thanks @RichT

 

Journal: 

 

Today has been somewhat better than yesterday.  The night was tough.  The usual waking up in fear in the dark and in pain from intense muscle tension.  When morning came, I was in a lot of muscle pain, and I was irritable.  I hurt from my temples to my toes as if I had been poisoned.

 

I read something about histamines being a cause of PMS.  I'm skeptical that an anti-histamine diet would help, but it's worth a shot.  February and March are the rainy months here, and I'm wondering if PMS is worse then because of the flowers causing a stronger histamine reaction?  However, it's been raining all of April and May, too, this year (very unusual) yet this PMS isn't as bad as March and April.  Maybe the extra month of rain doesn't matter because many plants flower only once.  The heaviest pollen was in March and April as usual possibly.

 

Will the histamine issues ever resolve, I wonder.

 

No motivation today.  I did almost nothing but rest.  I watched TV,  The pain finally eased around 2:00 or 3:00 pm.  It's very exhausting.  I didn't take any ibuprophen.  I read that there is a chemical in all those medications that can cause problems.

 

I'm trying to feel grateful that pain was the worst symptom today.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
neroli

Hi Rosetta

 

You keep going despite your pains and other symptoms.

 

You are strong and generous with your support for other people.

 

Warmest wishes

 

Neroli 💜

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Aww, thank you, @neroli

 

The last two days have involved very anxious wake ups in the night with a feeling of being overheated.  I throw off the covers.  After that, as my body cools, I get very cold. I heat my shoulder wrap and clear my back in bed.  At wake up time in the morning (6:45) I begin to get quite anxious.  It builds and builds.  This morning it was hard for me to do much besides get my daughter dressed.  After that I had to just sit and read until some of the anxiety wore off.  In the afternoons I'm fatigued, and in the evenings I feel mostly "normal" and relaxed.  Close to bedtime, which is 8:00 for me, I'm exhausted.

 

I had no exercise for three days - Sat, Sun and Monday, but today I went for a long walk.  We had another "very important toy lost at school" incident today.  It's very hard for me to see my daughter so upset.  I was ok for a while, but as we walked around looking for this stuffy, I began to feel quite worn and emotionally spent.  We never found it.  

 

After we got home, we went to my daughter's gymnastics class and dinner.  I feel ok now, but I'm not looking forward to another night full of neuro fear and neuro sadness.  I'm hoping it won't happen tonight.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...