Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

Thanks everyone for your support.  I'm still suffering.  This is so crazy.  Thursday morning I had no cortisol misery.  I had eaten salami and drank milk in the middle of the night prior.  I hoped this was a solution and that blood sugar issues were responsible for my through the roof anxiety Thursday morning. 

 

On Thursday night, I did the same thing -- salami and milk in the night, but, alas, I woke up with severe anxiety Friday morning.  I had taken an ibuprophen tab the night before for my headache/muscle tension .  My period had stopped on Wednesday and came back Thursday night.  

 

I was able to calm down and lead the art class Friday morning.  Friday afternoon, I fell asleep after I brought my daughter home from school.  Today, Saturday, I woke up without anxiety, but I had such a bad headache and neck tension that I could not go for an outing with a friend of mine who was visiting from out of state.  She came to see me this evening.  After she left I risked taking an acetaminophen tablet.  It helped my headache a lot.

 

I think that all these problems are caused mostly by hormone changes during my period and the ibuprophen didn't affect me much.  I doubt the protein in the middle of the night hurt me, but it couldn't counteract the hormone fluctuations.  Maybe the ibuprophen intensified the anxiety, maybe not.

 

The positives:

I haven't melted down recently

I'm regulating my emotions better recently

My hair is not falling out as quickly as it used to

I've been able to do the dishes several times this past week

No or very mild Akathisia 

Adequate sleep 

No diarrhea (strange because that has been a part of my period for ages)

 

Negatives:

Im still having a lot of emotional problems in the middle of the night and when I wake up -- extreme sadness and fear.

The physical pain has been a lot worse this past week.  

Intermittent intense anxiety.

 

[neroli]

It's not fair, Rosetta.

 

All best wishes to you.  You are holding in there really well- though it is exhausting, I know.

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta....Im sorry you are having that anxiety.  But sounds like things are so headed in a good direction overall?  Guess I keep hoping that!  Just want it so badly for you and everyone here!  

Im going to throw this out there for what it is worth.  Salami is aged so has lots of histamine and I am finding that to not be a good thing.  Foods with it go ok for a day or so but If I repeat them then it seems to backfire and I have to back off.   You could try a hard boiled organic egg or some fresh meat of some kind?  As I said...just a thought.

Take care my dear friend.  Thank you for stopping by...as always means so much.  I feel pretty lost between the meds, food and electrolytes...but am SO grateful for my friends here!!  Love and hugs to you!  💜

[RusTW]

Hi Rosetta wishing you a good day.Hope ya get a nice long window. 

Russ

[Rosetta]

Journal:

 

Today is Tuesday.

 

The pain finally eased on Monday!!  Saturday and Sunday were very tough.  It was hard to distract from the pain of the tense muscles in my chest, upper back, shoulders, neck and the back of my head as well as my jaw and even teeth.  It was equally distributed on both side.  Finally mid-morning on Monday it eased and today I have felt much better.  On Tuesday in the middle of night the dystonia came back and it has been off agsin on again today, but it's pretty mild.

 

I am still waking in the night with fear although it's mild and much sadness.  It's cortisol surging.  There is a mild hot flash after I wake up.  Mornings have been cortisol free for the last three maybe four days - Sat. Sun.Mon and Tues.

 

No meltdowns!!  No aka.  

 

I took a walk Monday and today.  I went to gymnastics today BUT in the car on the way there I fell asleep.  I had to stay in the car and sleep through her class.  I was out!!  This was clearly not normal.  

[Dejavu]

Yay for you! I hope this wave was your very last! Sending healing energy your way!!

[Rosetta]

@RusTW @Rabe @neroli @Dejavu  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks @Rabe for pointing out the histamine issue with salami.  That might be the problem.

 

I slept plenty of hours last night.  I was in bed by 8:30 and probably asleep by 9 or 9:30.  I get up at 6:45.  I did not have an insomnia stint last night.  I did not need to heat my shoulder wrap.  I probably slept for at least 8-9 hours.

 

This morning, early, I had a cortisol awakening with fear, anxiety and sadness.  That feeling that my life is worthless.  When it was time to get up at 6:45 I was dead asleep and couldn't wake up.  I fell back into a deep sleep and dreamt.  I dreamt I was with friends on a vacation at a ski resort in a place with an ocean view.  We were having fun.  Eventually, I got out of bed and got my daughter down the stairs with fresh clothes.  I had to go back to bed.  I couldn't stay up.  My husband took over from there, and I had a hard time getting back to sleep due to anxiety that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do.  

 

I did fall asleep, but it was punctuated with cortisol awakenings for 2 hours.  Quite miserable.  I kept trying to meditate, avoid looking at the news, put aside all the things that worry me, accept that I'm still having too many problems to tackle my messy house.  I consider it a win that I went back to sleep although I feel the need to is a hormone imbalance caused by WD and healing of my brain.  That's ok.  It's healing.

 

I do wish for life to be easier, to have more energy and focus.  I want to have friends.  I'm very lonely and bored.  My life is pretty worthless, but I can't change that right now.  I try to be grateful that I have this time with my child instead of needing to work even though I don't feel that I'm able to connect with her the way I would like.  The end of the school year is next Tuesday.  It makes me sad.  We will have 12 days together before day camp starts.  I hope to be well enough to enjoy that time.

 

 

[Rosetta]

Someone asked me what happened when I was at my worst in all of this nightmare.  It was a time when I truly "went crazy" from AD withdrawal that became protracted.  I have reposted my response here with more detail about what that experience was and how devastating it was to my family.  

 

I'm healing now.   That's clear.  It's not very comfortable.  Most of my problems seem to be intertwined with my menstrual cycle.  Physical pain, deep sadness, intermittent anxiety.  Every so often symptoms that have been gone for a while come back such as anger, milder Akathisia, severe fatigue, and crying.  This is such a slow, frustrating process.

 

I "went crazy" before I joined SA.  That was in the Fall of 2017. None of that time is documented in real time on my thread.  I was at my worst point about two months after I found SA and was reading here.  It lasted from about September to mid-December 2017.  My daughter was 6.

 

I was probably "crazy" before, but I didn't understand what was happening to me.  I couldn't understand.  My brain was too scrambled.  It took me a long, long time to understand what SA was saying about WD.  Part of that was the format.  I had to piece it all together to get a clear picture.  The idea that all my symptoms, both physical and emotional, could be caused by quitting Zoloft was too foreign a concept.

 

My husband says I was very ill for 10 years before I quit Zoloft.  He thinks the switch to Zoloft in 2011 when my child was born made everything worse, but that being on Celexa made me very sick, too.  He feels that I was much better when I was pregnant.

 

My husband tried to care for me and my child during that Fall.  He thought this was permanent.  The doctor who prescribed Trazodone to me in the Spring had told us that my state at that time was permanent.  After that, I did not go to the hospital or the doctor.  I knew the medicine had done this to me, but I didn't understand how.  I finally figured out that ADWD means "dysautonomia," and I felt that I could trust the advice from SA to stay off medication.  Having had the experience of the Trazodone making my condition worse probably helped me to believe that SA had the right advice.  I often wonder if that Fall of 2017 would have been much better if not for the Trazodone.  I believe it kindled me.

 

The fear I have for others is that taking new medication or raising doses by too much or too fast will cause Akathisia.  If my story can help anyone avoid that I want it told.

 

What happened was that I had insomnia, Akathisia, DP, DR and severe anxiety all at the same time.  I would sit on the floor and scream when I felt a wave coming on.  I would cry a lot, and sometimes I  threw things.  My brain was in utter turmoil.  The intense guilt I felt after these episodes was soul crushing.  

 

The very worst - a continuous period of varying degrees of Akathisia -- lasted about 4 months, from September to December, but the Akathisia-guilt-Akathisia incidences continued to happen less frequently - with severe Akathisia returning at least once a month -- for at least another year or longer after December 2017.  

 

Doctors think Akathisia must include movement -- pacing or continuous movement.  For me it did not and does not.  I want to move very much, but I'm paralyzed with fear.   I have dystonia all down my right side.  It started while I was on Celexa and became worse and worse after I quit Zoloft and Trazodone.  I also had had severely cramped muscles in my arms and legs for years.  I noticed it while I was pregnant and on Celexa, but it had been happening since 2007.  I became inflexible about that time.  Yoga became very difficult, and my muscles became weak at the same time.  This continued and worsened while I was on high doses of Zoloft.  I believe I had a mild form of serotonin syndrome at times.  The tight, cramped muscles continued after I quit Zoloft.  Could that be why I didn't pace?  I definitely wanted to DO something, but I was afraid to move at all most of the time.  I felt impending doom at all times.  I though that if I moved something bad would happen.

 

During the worst aka, I would sit on the floor against the kitchen cabinets and cry and tell my husband -- if my daughter was not home -- "I don't want to die."  I had very intense SI, of course, but I did not want to die.  That combination -- suicidal aka and wanting to stay alive were incompatible.  My husband couldn't understand why I was so afraid of dying.  It made him very angry that I had SI.  That made me feel even more alone and hopeless.  "What happened" may not sound all that terrible, but it WAS because my child saw it over and over again.  I could not go anywhere.  I couldn't risk other people seeing me lose it.  I couldn't do anything at home because I couldn't think.  My mind was mush, and I was severely anxious.  I was afraid every minute I was awake.  I was angry most of the time.  I suppose being committed would have been worse, but something I have to live with is that my daughter saw me go insane over and over again for over a year at such a young age.  It scared her, and it scared my husband.  She could see that, too.   I have to hope that there is a silver lining -- that this experience will keep her safe from doctors' malpractice because I worry about how it will affect her long term.

[withhopeinmyheart]

Oh Rosetta, 

 

thank you for sharing this with us, your very worst time. 

 

It makes me feel less alone. I have that fear, too, this impending doom that doesn't let me move or do anything. 

 

Back in fall, this mixed with my SI and the feeling that I could act on it against my own will. So I froze, absolutely froze. Am frozen to this day. Not moving, not doing anything, means I cannot harm myself against my will... 

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I do wish for life to be easier, to have more energy and focus.  I want to have friends.  I'm very lonely and bored.  My life is pretty worthless, but I can't change that right now.

 

I'm sorry to hear this is how WD is making you feel and think.  You have disabused me of the notion that because I am doing this on my own (no family around) that is why I feel so lonely and bored and just want to be able to go out and meet people again and get on with the social activities I had.  And I've struggled with how much worth my life is (I had a bit of a struggle with this before ADs to be honest - couldn't fathom the answer to that question).  This damage and the symptoms it causes has had me peering very closely down the microscope of 'is it all worth it?' - what value does my life have if I am disabled now, with the other symptoms on top, what can I offer now that I am not my old self?  And the only rock-bottom answer I can come up with to why life (my life in particular) is of any worth is "because we are here, as humans, on this planet, in a weird inexplicable existence".  Not sure if that will make any sense to you.  And that baseline "philosophy" can easily get knocked off kilter for me if the symptoms are really difficult.

 

But, anyway, I would think these sorts of heightened feeling and thoughts are endemic to WD, PAWS, side effects and all the malaise that accompanies them.

 

You have wretched symptoms to deal with, yet you do care for your daughter, you teach art, you walk and go on outings with your daughter, you keep house as best you can, you support many people on this site.  Does it help to hear that these are valuable offerings to your family and the world?

 

I wish you had more energy, more sense of connection, too - we are in draining and isolating circumstances - but I do think you have "worth"

 

Best of wishes to you, Rosetta

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

I cried Rosetta....had to come back.  

 

Thank you for sharing that and for all that you share.  It is very hard to read not only because of what you have and are going through but it is a mirror as well.  It is so hard to read about so many many years of pain and suffering to someone so lovely that seemingly has no meaning/reason except that others thought they were doing a 'favor' (I was told) or what they thought was best etc etc.  And never do they see the results of what they have done, and I really think that is a large part of why things continue as they do...these doctors and companies dont  have to deal in any manner with the results of their actions.  

You help me give a name to my symptoms and help me understand them some better though the acceptance is still so very hard, and the desire to do this in the twilight of my life becomes less and less as time goes on and things get worse instead of better.  

I too struggle with the meaning and worth of my life now...though I do feel It did have much meaning and worth before.  What I have done in my life has been good...and I am proud of it all...but I am not proud of who or how I am now.

Thank you again Rosetta.  You soul is so courageous and beautiful...and the determination to get through this for your daughter and family is truly a love story  

that I hope someday gets written.  

There is none of you that I have found to be not valuable and exceptional and admirable.  You are a try inspiration my dear friend and I love you for all that you are.  You have helped me more that you can know along the way and I will always  always be grateful for you!  Love and hugs my dear friend.  You are a true blessing!!💜

 

[Rabe]

Just wanted you to know that I think about you every day and hope things are going ok for you?  Love and hugs to you my lovely friend.  Missing you!💜

[Rosetta]

I missed you, too, @Rabe 

 

I locked myself out of my account. 

 

Overall, I've been doing better lately.  I volunteered last Tuesday and taught art on Friday.  Without notes here for the last week the ups and downs haven't been recorded.  However, there is nothing negative that is major to report except that I feel more comfortable in social situations as evidenced by the Last Day of School party we went to on Tuesday. I am still having nightly cortisol in the middle of the night and sometimes in the morning.  I still have scary thoughts in the nighte, and occasionally, I have waking nightmares.  Dystonia comes and goes.  Deep sadness comes and goes.  Anxiety is rarely a problem after the morning anxiety wears off.

 

At this point in my cycle I think I am at AD normal.  When my hormones change I'm in Hell.  I despair at the thought that it could be this way for a long time.  

 

being at the calm part of my cycle, I have been functioning rather well for the last week or so except that I tried to cook on Tuesday (today is Friday), and I couldn't.  I tried to make meringue butter cream.  That's tricky enough, but the mistakes I was making were the type I make when my brain is scrambled.  I had to start over once, and when I finished it was all wrong.  I had to throw it away.  That meant I could not make the cake for a last day of school party that I wanted to.  I cried.  Then, I felt better.  That's how my brain is supposed to work.  I think my brain is getting it right more often these days.  I didn't melt down; I just cried, and then accepted that there would be no cake.  I think that's normal.  What was not normal was my incompetence.  There are times when things don't work out, especially with meringue butter cream, but I could tell as I was making it that my brain was confused and forgetful.  It wasn't right.  That fact upset me far more than the fact that there would be no cake.  I'm tired of this syndrome making me incompetent to do what I want or need to do.  At least it's getting better.  I'm capable more often than I used to be.

 

How things will go around June 15 will tell me how much progress I have made.  When the hormones go awry that is when my symptoms increase.  Last month, I had a lot of physical pain, fatigue and sadness.  Who knows what will happen next time.  

 

I have been pouring my energy into preparing materials to teach my daughter to read in Spanish this Summer.  I have to teach her Spanish at the same time.  We don't speak it at home, and I'm not fluent.  I've been finding a lot of amazing resources online to teach her phonetically.  We also need to learn to do math in Spanish.  It has been a good thing to have this project to distract me lately.

 

Today, we have a celebration of life to go to for a woman who was my MIL's friend and neighbor.  We knew her for over 20 years.  My daughter is friends with her grandson.  I have been very sad at times since she passed.  Today, I don't feel much of anything.  This does not feel normal.  So, I have to go now and get ready.  Getting ready causes much less anxiety -most of the time-consuming than it used to.  I have no idea what I'm going to wear, but I don't really care how that works out.  Now, if I can maintain that lack of care while I get dressed.

 

 

 

[Rabe]

I am so happy to read this, Rosetta!  You have been healing and it seems to be speeding up as time has gone on.  SO nice to read you are able to do the things you want and need to do even if not all the projects turn out as you'd like...just doing them is a wonderful thing!  Thank you for stopping and for your thoughts.  Just having a real long hard spell it seems with few breaks.  But your always give me hope...through all that you do and your journey.  I am grateful for you my dear friend!!  Hope the weekend is good with the Spanish and all.  Love and hugs to you Rosetta!💜

[Carmie]

Thinking of you Rosetta💚💚

[Rosetta]

Thsnks, Carmie, for your sweet note.  I visited your thread.

 

Journal:

 

Today is Sunday.

 

I forgot to note that a few nights ago -- I think it was 4 nights ago -- I had a SLEEPLESS NIGHT.  I think it was Wednesday night.  was awake until about 5:00 am.  The next day I woke up around 7 or 8, and the day wasn't too bad.  I never felt sleepy until night rolled around.  I

 

I have been walking most days.  One day we went to the park, one day we walked through the park and around the neighborhood, and Saturday we went to the lake where my daughter tried to learn to ride her bike.I

 

Yesterday, had soreness in my chest - the same as I usually have before my period, but that has not been happening much lately before my period.  I should be just post ovulation right now.

 

Also, I forgot to note that I had a very weak Margarita on Tuesday.  It did not seem to affect me negatively unless the sleeplessness on Wednesday night was a delayed effect.  I think that was caused by ovulation instead.

 

The celebration of life on Friday was ok -for a neighbor of my MIL's.  My daughter has played with her grandson many times.  I had normal emotions while I was there.  It was my daughter's first experience with the death of a person.  Her kitten died when she was 5.  It was a mess.  We had the kitten since its birth as a stray semi-feral had arrived at our house and was pregnant.  We gave away all but one kitten, and that kitten was about 11 months old when we had to put her to sleep because she had cancer.  She still mourns that kitten every so often.  We never explained about putting it to sleep.  We simply told her that it died at the vets office, but we did tell her ahead of time and she held it and said good-bye just in case the vet could not heal it.

 

My daughter saw her friend, who is 10, very upset at the memorial for his grandmother.  She was so innocent.  She made a card for him with a picture of him and his grandmother holding hands .  His grandmother had wings and a halo. I now wish I had taken a picture of it.  Her friend was so upset he could barely look at her.  He didn't want her to see him cry.  On the way there, she had said she hoped they could play together!  The innocence.  She had no idea before she saw him what it meant that he had lost his grandmother.  She had no idea what the mood would be at a memorial.  Then, after she gave him the card, she thought the card had made him feel worse because his reaction was not what she expected.  I suppose she thought he would smile.  I was 8 at my first funeral, too, but I was about 6 months older than she is.

 

 

 

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta,

I read that you are going to Mexico for months!  That is so exciting.  Would you ever have thought???  I mean that is really really wonderful!!  I am SO happy for you and your family.  So that is why you are teaching your daughter Spanish.  I was wondering.  What a lovely thing to look forward to...you so deserve a trip with your family to cherish!!  Things sound pretty stable..I am so grateful for you!  Take care dear friend!  💜

[Rosetta]

Oh, Rabe, I'm actually pretty scared.  I'm going to do it.  My husband thinks it will help us all.  I should be ok by then, I hope.  I suppose it doesn't matter where I am sick because I'm not taking any medication.  

 

I feel myself going down the rabbit hole again.  The last couple of days I had trouble finding words.  I've been irritable.  My muscles are seizing up again.  Yesterday, I stayed home while my husband and daughter went to hergrandmother's.  I didn't have the energy.  I felt myself slipping.  I m drilling holding on to hold that it won't be too bad this time.  Today, we are going to a playdate.

 

At least I feel that I can go on this playdate.  I feel ok about showering.  That used to be a problem.  I haven't done laundry, but I still have reasonably clean clothes hung on a chair.  My brain is organized enough to remember that.  I don't feel very anxious.  I don't think I had a cortisol spike this morning.  I might have had a very small one in the night but I fell back asleep quickly.  So, it had to be tiny.  I'm not in a panic, unable to think, afraid to shower, and despairing that I have no clean clothes.  This is manageable compared to the past.

 

I just woke up from a bad dream.  Lost, on a motorcycle, it's raining - a downpour, my GPS on my phone isn't working, and I'm trying to get my daughter back to a museum where her class is having a sleepover.  I had taken her away in the middle, I don't know why, and she's missing the activities.  I woke up unable to breathe because of the muscles that were tight in my neck. I was crying in my dream and in reality.  I've calmed down now that I have written this down.  That's an improvement.  The anxiety has not ramped up.I

 

I'm still worried about cancer.  I have a spot that I need to have checked.  I should make an appointment.  I'm still very apathetic about anything that takes me away from home.  I force myself out, but I feel less stressed if I can leave the house on my own timetable.   Having a specific place to be at a specific time is anxiety producing enough.  Seeing a doctor makes it worse.  I can't stop worrying about this, and it would be good to hear that it's not cancer.  It's probably another odd skin issue that means nothing.  I keep telling myself that it's important to have it checked sooner rather than later.

 

Well, I'm back to the point that reading and writing cause increased muscle tension.  Neck, shoulders, jaw.  It must be a combination of WD and hormone changes  So, I should stop now.

 

 

[Rosetta]

lToday was fine in the end.  My brain wasn't working very well.  I got lost twice.  Thank goodness for GPS.  The wonderful was that I did not have anxiety, and getting lost didn't upset me much at all.  No meltdown.

 

I'm having some mild dystonia and a bit of a nervous feeling in my legs very much like RLS.  My jaw is tight, the back of my neck is, too, and so is my right cheek and temple.  My right eye feels funny.  I'm going to stop writing as that makes it all more intense.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Rosetta, just read a few of your most recent entries. The rollercoaster is real -- one day feeling less anxious and the next day it is off the hook. Glad to see that, despite the WD rollercoaster, your trajectory is healing.

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Seems like you have ok days and not-so-ok days but glad to read:  

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I got lost twice.  Thank goodness for GPS.  The wonderful was that I did not have anxiety, and getting lost didn't upset me much at all.  No meltdown.

 

that in such a potentially anxiety-provoking you were free from anxiety and didn't get upset.

 

I hope you are getting more and more of times like this.

 

And all the best for the trip to Mexico, I can imagine it making you feel a bit anxious - even in my healthy days, going away for a weekend made me anxious being out of my own home and comfort routines.

 

(((Rosetts))) (I'm copying you)

 

Warmest wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Oh, it's actually Spain.  Much longer trip, and the flight will be hard, I'm sure.  Less stress while we are there though, I hope.  

 

Thank you, Neroli.

 

Journal:

Many cortisol spikes this morning.  Probably 4 starting before first light.  Another bad dream.  I'm ok now.  The anxiety did not increase after I woke up.

[thecowisback]

wow- exciting times ahead!

[Rabe]

Oh Rosetta you are getting better!!  That is a really small list of things and sounds milder (seemingly anyway the way you put it...but milder or not the symptoms are not fun no matter what) than in past.  I am so happy for you and grateful for you.  Thak you again for your thoughts and all.  Means so much to me.  I was so frightened there!  For them to call and all was startling. Bless you!!💜

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta..I had written that before your last post...and forgot to send.  Sorry.  And sorry you are feeling not as well...but things still sound so much better overall....that is so wonderful to hear!!  Much love to you!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rabe.  Yes, I'm documenting this.  It is much more mild.  This is ovulation time.  In 10-12 days it should be more challenging if history is any indication.  I hope not.  I always hope I have had my last wave.  Silly, but I do.  The little one keeps bugging me to write "the little one keeps bugging me.". Now she's satisfied.  Lol.

[neroli]

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Oh, it's actually Spain.  Much longer trip, and the flight will be hard, I'm sure.  Less stress while we are there though, I hope.

 

oops, sorry didnt'read your thread right.  Hoping there is less stress while you are there, time to recover some more.

 

Neroli 💜

[Miko789]

Hi Rosetta,

 

u  are  healing, 

hope you have have les stress while thete,

 

 

[DMV64]

On 6/12/2019 at 12:25 AM, Rosetta said:

I always hope I have had my last wave.  Silly, but I do

I am totally with you on this wish. Thinking of you and sending a hug!

[Rabe]

Hoping today was a good on, Rosetta!  💜

[Rosetta]

This morning I had a strong cortisol awakening.  I woke up afraid and then felt naseous.  There was no jolt to my heart.  So, it wasn't as strong as it could have been.  Afterward, I felt very depressed.  I missed my grandmother.  I felt abandoned and unloved.  There was a bit of impending doom, too.  It was hard to fallback asleep, but I did.  I found it difficult to get going to leave the house.  I left very late, but it was the best I could do.

 

Circumstances today were rough.  Stress. Getting lost again.  I started to melt down at one point.  I started crying.  The gps sent me the wrong way.  Before I made a turn it gave me the next turn.  I couldn't see that.  I ended up in a gas station.  I was very disoriented.  We made it, eventually, to where we needed to be, but I was frazzled.

 

My daughter has been fussy the last few days.  Being out of school is hard for her, and she had a tooth that wouldn't fall out.  It was hanging on by a thread for two days, and bleeding.  It hurt her to eat.  She couldn't even eat yogurt this morning so she was very fussy, and everything was a tragedy.  She was crying while I was in bad traffic on the way to another place.  While we were there waiting for someone I became overly hungry, too.  We drove to a restaurant in heavy traffic, but my friend was late, and she couldn't sit down to eat.  My kid had no shoes to go inside anyway.  I got take -out and tried to go home.  I made a wrong turn and ended up going the wrong way on the freeway which put me behind rush hour traffic.  I had to go all the way back to my starting point just to get on the carpool lane, and I had to sit there and take a time out at the transit station before I could start out again.  

 

It was one of those days when I should have stayed home.  Looking back, I see that I didn't have the presence of mind today to be out and about. The positive thing is that my system calms down more quickly right now.  I was able to drive home after resting at the transit center.  I think that if there was no separate, isolated carpool lane I could not have driven some.  The exit is on the left.  I'm not sure that I could have made it through all that traffic if the exit was on the right.  My daughter was calm after she had ice cream, and the drive home was quiet.  Her tooth came out during dinner.  I hope tomorrow will be better for her.

 

I'm having tummy troubles tonight.  My neck muscles are twisting to one side.  My period should be this weekend.  It kind of feels like I'm going to be held against my will and there's nothing I can do about it.

[Rosetta]

Last night, my daughter had a headache.  She had a very hard time going to sleep.  In the middle of the night, she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, but her headache was gone.  I'm not sure that she ever slept again.  It was before first light.  Of course, she kept me awake.  Off and on I would fall back asleep.  Finally, when it was light out she felt safe enough to go to play by herself, but she got cold and woke me again.  I went to the couch so that she would not be alone, and she kept me awake there, too.  I slept for about 2 hours after that because she watched tv while I slept in the bed.  I'm not sure whether I slept more than about 5 hours.

 

Before my daughter woke up, I had one or two cortisol spikes.  This morning I woke up terrified.  It's worn off now, but I wish there were a way to stop these fearful wake ups.  They are traumatizing me.  Something goes wrong in my brain during the night. 

 

Other than having fear accompanied by  or due to sleep paralysis after I stopped using fiorinal for headaches, I have not had night terrors prior to stopping Zoloft.  I'm not having sleep paralysis now.  (A university doctor gave me fiorinal for about 18 months for headaches, and I quit them after I graduated.  The sleep paralysis happened after that in the mid to late 90s.  It might have been after I tried Paxil and had a bad reaction.  I had insomnia back then, too.  I had Ambien a few times then, but I was afraid of it.  I can't believe all the drugs I've been given and how easy it is to see in hindsight that they all had harmful side effects.

 

I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about my house again.  My husband is feeling bad, too.  He is quite grumpy and that affects me.  Hopefully, when my daughter's day camp starts we will have a routine again and that will help.  It's only 3 weeks, but it's something.

 

At least I woke up without dystonia today.  It was strong in the middle of the night.

[DMV64]

On 5/29/2019 at 2:26 PM, Rosetta said:

Someone asked me what happened when I was at my worst in all of this nightmare.

Wow. I am just reading this now Rosetta. Thank you so much for posting this in such detail. I am so sorry how hard it has been. But I am so happy you are healing. Your story makes me feel not so alone, when I feel my life is worthless and I can't tackle the simplest of tasks, I must remember I am healing.

[DMV64]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I had one or two cortisol spikes.  This morning I woke up terrified. 

This happens to me all the time. It is so hard. I am using cold therapy now to help. It does really help. I ice my face. I hold my breath for 30 seconds while I am doing it. Maybe it will help you?

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Sorry you’re still struggling so much. It’s party time when we all eventually heal from these meds.💃🎉🎉🎉 You’re such a warrior! 💚

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...I am thinking about you and hoping you can get through this month with symptoms not worsening for you.  Sending hugs and love my dear friend!  💜