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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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neroli
14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Oh, it's actually Spain.  Much longer trip, and the flight will be hard, I'm sure.  Less stress while we are there though, I hope.

 

oops, sorry didnt'read your thread right.  Hoping there is less stress while you are there, time to recover some more.

 

Neroli 💜

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Miko789

Hi Rosetta,

 

u  are  healing, 

hope you have have les stress while thete,

 

 

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DMV64
On 6/12/2019 at 12:25 AM, Rosetta said:

I always hope I have had my last wave.  Silly, but I do

I am totally with you on this wish. Thinking of you and sending a hug!

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Rabe

Hoping today was a good on, Rosetta!  💜

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Rosetta

This morning I had a strong cortisol awakening.  I woke up afraid and then felt naseous.  There was no jolt to my heart.  So, it wasn't as strong as it could have been.  Afterward, I felt very depressed.  I missed my grandmother.  I felt abandoned and unloved.  There was a bit of impending doom, too.  It was hard to fallback asleep, but I did.  I found it difficult to get going to leave the house.  I left very late, but it was the best I could do.

 

Circumstances today were rough.  Stress. Getting lost again.  I started to melt down at one point.  I started crying.  The gps sent me the wrong way.  Before I made a turn it gave me the next turn.  I couldn't see that.  I ended up in a gas station.  I was very disoriented.  We made it, eventually, to where we needed to be, but I was frazzled.

 

My daughter has been fussy the last few days.  Being out of school is hard for her, and she had a tooth that wouldn't fall out.  It was hanging on by a thread for two days, and bleeding.  It hurt her to eat.  She couldn't even eat yogurt this morning so she was very fussy, and everything was a tragedy.  She was crying while I was in bad traffic on the way to another place.  While we were there waiting for someone I became overly hungry, too.  We drove to a restaurant in heavy traffic, but my friend was late, and she couldn't sit down to eat.  My kid had no shoes to go inside anyway.  I got take -out and tried to go home.  I made a wrong turn and ended up going the wrong way on the freeway which put me behind rush hour traffic.  I had to go all the way back to my starting point just to get on the carpool lane, and I had to sit there and take a time out at the transit station before I could start out again.  

 

It was one of those days when I should have stayed home.  Looking back, I see that I didn't have the presence of mind today to be out and about. The positive thing is that my system calms down more quickly right now.  I was able to drive home after resting at the transit center.  I think that if there was no separate, isolated carpool lane I could not have driven some.  The exit is on the left.  I'm not sure that I could have made it through all that traffic if the exit was on the right.  My daughter was calm after she had ice cream, and the drive home was quiet.  Her tooth came out during dinner.  I hope tomorrow will be better for her.

 

I'm having tummy troubles tonight.  My neck muscles are twisting to one side.  My period should be this weekend.  It kind of feels like I'm going to be held against my will and there's nothing I can do about it.

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Rosetta

Last night, my daughter had a headache.  She had a very hard time going to sleep.  In the middle of the night, she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, but her headache was gone.  I'm not sure that she ever slept again.  It was before first light.  Of course, she kept me awake.  Off and on I would fall back asleep.  Finally, when it was light out she felt safe enough to go to play by herself, but she got cold and woke me again.  I went to the couch so that she would not be alone, and she kept me awake there, too.  I slept for about 2 hours after that because she watched tv while I slept in the bed.  I'm not sure whether I slept more than about 5 hours.

 

Before my daughter woke up, I had one or two cortisol spikes.  This morning I woke up terrified.  It's worn off now, but I wish there were a way to stop these fearful wake ups.  They are traumatizing me.  Something goes wrong in my brain during the night. 

 

Other than having fear accompanied by  or due to sleep paralysis after I stopped using fiorinal for headaches, I have not had night terrors prior to stopping Zoloft.  I'm not having sleep paralysis now.  (A university doctor gave me fiorinal for about 18 months for headaches, and I quit them after I graduated.  The sleep paralysis happened after that in the mid to late 90s.  It might have been after I tried Paxil and had a bad reaction.  I had insomnia back then, too.  I had Ambien a few times then, but I was afraid of it.  I can't believe all the drugs I've been given and how easy it is to see in hindsight that they all had harmful side effects.

 

I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about my house again.  My husband is feeling bad, too.  He is quite grumpy and that affects me.  Hopefully, when my daughter's day camp starts we will have a routine again and that will help.  It's only 3 weeks, but it's something.

 

At least I woke up without dystonia today.  It was strong in the middle of the night.

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DMV64
On 5/29/2019 at 2:26 PM, Rosetta said:

Someone asked me what happened when I was at my worst in all of this nightmare.

Wow. I am just reading this now Rosetta. Thank you so much for posting this in such detail. I am so sorry how hard it has been. But I am so happy you are healing. Your story makes me feel not so alone, when I feel my life is worthless and I can't tackle the simplest of tasks, I must remember I am healing.

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DMV64
8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I had one or two cortisol spikes.  This morning I woke up terrified. 

This happens to me all the time. It is so hard. I am using cold therapy now to help. It does really help. I ice my face. I hold my breath for 30 seconds while I am doing it. Maybe it will help you?

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Sorry you’re still struggling so much. It’s party time when we all eventually heal from these meds.💃🎉🎉🎉 You’re such a warrior! 💚

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta...I am thinking about you and hoping you can get through this month with symptoms not worsening for you.  Sending hugs and love my dear friend!  💜

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Rosetta

Thanks everyone.

 

Very little sleep last night.  Maybe 4 hours.  I woke up as usual, but I couldn't go back to sleep until 7:00 am.  Then I slept about an hour and a 1/2.  I don't know for sure why this is happening, but it must have to do with my period.  On top of so little sleep the night before I'm exhausted now, but I wasn't during the day.  I would find that strange, but considering the last 2 years of oddness, I'm not surprised by anything.

 

I made it through the day without crying or having a meltdown, no problem.  That's odd, too.  I didn't have to go anywhere.  I spent the day with my daughter studying Spanish and building a Lego set.  I wasn't particulary fatigued.  I wasn't anxious.  

 

In the night there was some anxiety, but it wasn't crazy, off the charts, anxiety.  A lot of sadness.  Thought about how my family was.  How I wasn't very important to them.  I'm sure my grandparents wouldn't have realized it seemed that way.  I was probably raised the way they were.  But their presence wasn't great during my teen years when my mother neglected me.  They had no idea what was happening.  I didn't tell them.  I wish I had known what mother was doing was so wrong.  Now, having a child, I'm appalled.  It's such a deep sadness.  It's something I had expected to disappear someday, but instead having a child seems to make it more present.  Of course, it could be all the neuroplasticity dredging up memories.   I practically live in that time period during the night.  It's bizarre.

 

No dystonia today.  My tummy problems cleared up late last night.  My chest isn't tender now.  No headache today.  So, I'm wondering what's up.  Those things should be staying the same or getting worse right now.  Ah, well, bonus!!  I should be so tired I will sleep tonight, but there's no telling what might happen with this syndrome or my cycle.  It's late, 10:00 pm.  I should have been in bed 2 hours ago.

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Rosetta

Last night I slept!  I did wake at about 5:00 am.  I had the hot feeling that goes with cortisol spikes usually, but I didnt feel too bad.  A little fear at first that dissipated after I got some cold water and turned the AC down a couple of degrees.  Then slept until 9 and woke up feeling ok.  I probably got 9 or 10 hours.  

 

Today, I'm making a cake for Father's Day, but no icing!  I don't need that hassle.  I'm making Grand Marnier cherry pie filling to go inside the cake.  My husband wants chocolate ganache on top.  I think he will make that.  We are, of course, going to his mother's house.  

 

Emotionally, I'm doing ok today more or less.  I made the cake and filling without having any issues.  In terms of being able to get through the day, I think I'm ok.  It's seems so strange.  My daughter has been home for 12 days and it hasn't been nearly as difficult as I expected.  I think I've turned a corner at least a little one.  

 

My period was supposed to have started day before yesterday.

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wantrelief
5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I think I've turned a corner at least a little one.  

I think you've turned quite a few corners, Rosetta, and I am so pleased for you.  🙂

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RusTW

Rosetta so glad to see ya getting  Better.Way to hold it down.You inspire me .Well done.

  Russ   

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Rosetta

I'm doing ok.  I have been mildly anxious the last three days.  Today I felt a milder version of impending doom for most of the day.  I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was happening, but I did not feel terrified or panicked.

 

For the last three days I have had painful muscle tension in my head, neck, shoulders, chest.  I'm clenching my jaw and waking up with quite a lot of pain, too, through the night and at 7:00 am.  Monday and Tuesday I took ibuprophen.  Today the pain during the day was milder, and I skipped the ibuprophen.  For the last two days I have had mild aching in my hips and thighs.

 

I walked Monday and today (Wednesday).

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DMV64
15 hours ago, Rosetta said:

have had mild aching in my hips and thighs.

Me too! I am with you. How are you doing now??

xo

DMV

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Rabe

I wanted to say as well that you have turned so many corners it could be blocks and blocks long!  Your postings have a very different ring to them...things are there but seem softer/less intense and overwhelming.  I am so happy to hear about the cake! YAY! And the house...feeling more comfortable is such a huge step for you!  Hoping today has been kind to you Rosetta.  Love and hugs to you my friend!💜

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Rosetta
8 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Me too! I am with you. How are you doing now??

xo

DMV

 

Still no Mother Nature, but joint aches, head, neck tension that extends to the  muscles in my chest.  After ibuprophen and milk that went away and I had a GD headache on the right side.  Another ibuprophen and a heating pad on my arm took care of that.  

 

I took a long walk through a wooded valley today.  The stream is still running swiftly.    I think I got dehydrated.  The last part of the walk I developed the tension pain.

 

All in all a pretty good day.  Amazing to say that.

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Carmie

So glad to hear you had a pretty good day Rosetta, yay!🎉

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Rosetta

Thank you, @Rabe.  This morning I had that same feeling that something bad was going to happen.  Really, it was more as if something bad WAS happening.  It's such a strong feeling.  I'm not having the intense anxiety at the same time.  I know it's not a reason to be concerned, but I can't shake it until it goes away on its own.  In the past, I had the feeling of intense fear and impending doom.  I had to act on it. I spent countless hours trying to plan for disaster and protect myself and my family.  Now, I can see that all of that was due to the drugs and withdrawal and dysautonomia.  The dissipation of this milder form of the symptom helps to make that clear as a bell.  It's the strangest relevation.  Then I forget about the relevation, and the next time the symptom dissipates, I am struck by that relevation again.  I'm not sure what is more disconcerting - that the symptom keeps returning or that I forget about the relevation during the occurrence of the symptom.  I don't know if that makes any sense, but I seem to be so overwhelmed by the feeling that something terrible is happening that I can't remember what it is like for that feeling to be absent.  When it's gone, I feel the enormity of what it means to be unable to shake the feeling. At least I'm not running around desperately trying to prepare for disaster.  That drove my poor husband pretty nuts.  

 

Very odd, Rabe.  I hope that impending doom isn't a part of your experience of this horrible syndrome.

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Rosetta

Thanks, Carmie.  Maybe this is what stablization is like.  @Carmie

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Rosetta

I felt crummy yesterday -- pain from muscle tension mostly, but also low mood.  I didn't walk.  I did very little.  Watched tv mostly.  I went out twice in the car.  

 

Today was a lot better.  I'm still having ugly cortisol spikes in morning and very sad, disturbed feelings about life after the spikes, but today at least the bad feelings dissipated after I got up.  That feeling something bad would happen was not occurring today!  I had muscle tension only in the night and upon awakening -- maybe from clenching my jaw.  It did not last all day.  What a relief that was for those two quite troubling symptoms to be absent.  I felt more or less NORMAL!  It was so nice.

 

We went to a natural history museum here in town.  It's a very cool, small one, but it's closing at the end of the month.  We also had dinner out.  We studied Spanish for a while.  Getting to bed very late 11:30.  Maybe I'm a tiny bit manic-ish.  I should be tired, but I'm not.

 

Still no mother nature!

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RichT
46 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I felt crummy yesterday -- pain from muscle tension mostly, but also low mood.  I didn't walk.  I did very little.  Watched tv mostly.  I went out twice in the car.  

 

Today was a lot better.  I'm still having ugly cortisol spikes in morning and very sad, disturbed feelings about life after the spikes, but today at least the bad feelings dissipated after I got up.  That feeling something bad would happen was not occurring today!  I had muscle tension only in the night and upon awakening -- maybe from clenching my jaw.  It did not last all day.  What a relief that was for those two quite troubling symptoms to be absent.  I felt more or less NORMAL!  It was so nice.

 

We went to a natural history museum here in town.  It's a very cool, small one, but it's closing at the end of the month.  We also had dinner out.  We studied Spanish for a while.  Getting to bed very late 11:30.  Maybe I'm a tiny bit manic-ish.  I should be tired, but I'm not.

 

Still no mother nature!

 

That’s great to hear Rosetta, I hope you have many more days like that.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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neroli
On 6/23/2019 at 6:34 PM, Rosetta said:

I felt more or less NORMAL!  It was so nice.

 

How lovely, Rosetta.

 

Wishing you many more of those moments.

 

love and best wishes

 

Neroli 💜

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Rosetta

Thank you Rich and Neroli.

 

The dystonia came back before I went to bed last night.  Really tough to sleep through.  I clench my jaw and end up waking up in pain.  Today, I went for a long walk in a wooded valley.  So beautiful.  I saw a raptor who was making a fuss.  Not sure why.  After I went home I took some ibuprophen.

 

I'm still very apathetic.  I always hope I'll get some organizing done, but I never do.  At least I cooked for my daughter and washed the dishes and took out the recycling today.  That's more than I do most days.  When I'm at home I feel very "lazy."  I think my ability to organize is usually there, but the thought of even trying makes me feel overwhelmed.  I can't start.  

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Dejavu
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The dystonia came back before I went to bed last night.  Really tough to sleep through.  I clench my jaw and end up waking up in pain.  

Booo!!! So sorry. I'm sure it will pass soon. Sending you good vibes!

 

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

When I'm at home I feel very "lazy."  I think my ability to organize is usually there, but the thought of even trying makes me feel overwhelmed.  I can't start.  

Yes. This is me. Every. Single. Day. Maybe we should make a Productivity Pact...lol!!

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Rabe
On 6/20/2019 at 11:46 PM, Rosetta said:

I had the feeling of intense fear and impending doom.

 

On 6/24/2019 at 11:41 PM, Rosetta said:

I'm still very apathetic.

 

Hi Rosetta...Im sorry some of those old feelings and symptoms are returning...but SO much improved its amazing..though Im sure it doesnt feel that way.

I have much fear and feelings that something bad is going to happen and thoughts about what it will be...pretty much everyday.  And the apathy is there...I WANT to do things but most everything just seems to be too much.  Thing is you DO do so much!  Do you keep a journal of all you do?  Cause its a lot!

 

Hope mother nature comes soon cause always seems to help.  Love and hug to you Rosetta!💜

 

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Rosetta

Thanks Deja vu.  Thanks, Rabe, you are right.  Much has improved. 

 

I'm noting the ups and downs here to keep a record of the healung.  It might help someone someday to see that it's not linear, and doctors are putting people back on drugs for the wrong reasons.  The "conditions" are not coming back.  This oscillating is the process of reorganizing the brain.  I think it might parallel the process after any brain injury whether caused by trauma or a stroke.  I would like doctors to recognize that these drugs cause Adverse conditions in the brain and that 1. Recovery is possible and 2. Adding more drugs is very likely to harm the patient.  That's something never mentioned in news articles about antidepressant withdrawal.  I believe Xanax harmed me due to my body being very sensitive after the increases in does it Zoloft over and over.  Trazodone harmed me further.  It's all so tragic that this is happening to others every day.  It's hard for me to come to SA now.  I just can't see it very often.

 

I'm going to get through this, and so are you.  It takes a long time, but you will be ok.

 

Journal:

 Cortisol Spikes this morning since before dark.  Sick feeling afterward.  Depression.  A bit overwhelmed.  I'm expecting these feelings to dissipate as they usually do.

 

We are going to the fair today.  My daughter is sick.  She missed camp yesterday.  I'm really mad at the camp for taking her swimming in 65 degree weather last week and not giving her a towel.  The rule is no towels, but The camp will provide them when necessary.  They dont.  I'm realizing that they don't own any!!  At all.  The email I received said they would provide them when necessary.  I took one for her on the second day, but the counselor forgot to take it to the pool.  Now she's missed a day of camp and she's coughing.  We are going to have to cut our day at the fair short.  At least she will have 2 days with no swimming.  It was quite cool yesterday, too.  I may not take her on Thursday or I may pick her up before they go to swim.  Very irritating.  

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Glad to hear much has improved. Yes, it’s good to document on here. One day when you’re much better you’ll look back and see what an amazing survivor and warrior you were. 

 

I’m sorry your daughter is sick, I hope she’s better soon.💚

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta...UGH on the camp situation.  That would be VERY irritating.  Who does not provide a towel when the kids get out in that cooler weather?  😡

Hope you had fun at the fair!  How is the Spanish coming?  Love and hugs to you my friend!💜

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Rosetta

Hi @Rabe. I wonder if it's some kind of health regulation issue, quite frankly.  It's curious because the YMCA allows towels owned by the kids.  The Y takes kids to the beach every day.  They don't wash the towels for us.  They are sent back home each day.   Usually, it's so dry and hot here that towels dry fast.  

 

Journal:

 

I have been in a wave for many days now.  It's awful, but not quite as awful as in the past.  I am getting weary.  I have headaches, muscle tension pain or dystonia almost every day.  I have cortisol spikes every morning - 2-3 at least -- that cause me to feel naseous, fearful, and deeply sad.  They wear off.  The rest of the day I am fatigued, apathetic, etc.. I push myself to walk, to take my daughter to camp, to pick her up instead of asking my husband to go alone.  I'm not getting much done.  Every few days I manage to do something besides prepare a Spanish lesson such as wash the dishes or do a load of laundry.  I skipped the trip to grandma's on Sunday.  I feel that I need rest, but no amount of rest helps.  

 

I know now this will come to an end, but it's tough to wait for it.  I'm so tired of feeling afraid every morning for no reason.  It's 7:40 am.  I'm shakey and naseous.  I have to get up and face another day.

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direstraits

I hear you,Rosetta..💙

it's so hard to keep living like this with no end in sight...it's torturous.

 

sending hugs,ds

🤗🤗🤗

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wantrelief

I completely empathize with you, Rosetta.  You are right, it will end but the waiting is really tough.  I am thinking about you, 💗WR.

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

I understand very well

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm so tired of feeling afraid every morning for no reason.  It's 7:40 am.  I'm shakey and naseous.  I have to get up and face another day.

 

You are on the mend but it does take time and patience and a lot of endurance.  Well done for getting to where you are at now, you've done a lot in the past few months despite feeling pretty under par.

 

I'm wishing some overall improvement for you, moving that trajectory up a little bit.

 

Neroli 💜

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Elyssa143

Hi Rosetta❤

Im so glad to see you are improving! I do know how frustrating it is when the symptoms come back. I too am improving, 16 months out. Definitely very much still in withdrawl and get scared that this will never end. But even in a wave usually its not as intense.  I will try to keep up more with you on here. Hugs❤

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Rabe

Oh Rosetta Im sorry.  It is so hard to feel better and normal and like you are living life instead of watching it.  

On 7/2/2019 at 9:42 AM, Rosetta said:

 I'm not getting much done.

 

You always get something done even in times like this....you walked and drove your daughter to and from camp.  Thats a lot when feeling so not well!  I am glad you did not go visit your MIL but opted to rest instead and take care of yourself.  The other things you mention can be done again when you feel up to it.  There will always be plenty of opportunity for that.  

I so hope your sleep improves...that would help perhaps.

It is so hard to get up and far another day feeling this way...yet you do.  You are incredible Rosetta!  Continue to take care of yourself!  And please give yourself all the credit you deserve for doing all that you do!  Love and hugs to you my dear friend!  💜

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