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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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DMV64
On 8/6/2019 at 1:23 PM, Rosetta said:

hanks for the advice on packing.  It's particulary challenging for me.  There's something about all the different issues I have in WD that causes several different tendencies to form the perfect storm - disorganization to begin with.

Rosetta-I cannot believe how much I related to what you have shared in this paragraph. I have a terrible time with disorganization. Also traveling AND fear of spending money.

I cannot go into department stores really at all. I become afraid and overwhelmed. thank you for sharing this.

-D

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Rosetta

I survived.  It wasn't pretty.  Thanks for all your kind notes that I read while I was gone.  I have a head cold now, but I'm back home.

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wantrelief

You did it, Rosetta!  It sounds like it was rough but you made it.  I am sorry about the head cold....that is hard to cope with on top of withdrawal.  You are so very strong.  Thinking about you - WR.

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Rabe

Just thinking about you Rosetta and hoping you are still doing ok!!  When do you leave?  Love and hugs to you my friend!!  💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

Thank you for your kind messages.  I hope things continuing on a bit of an improvement curve for you.

 

Warmest wishes

 

Neroli 💜

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Rosetta

Thanks, everyone.  I'll recover eventually.

 

Right now the prolonged WD symptoms are not too bad during the day except for constant anxiety.  After a few hours of sleep they are worse.  My first night back, I had very strong and painful muscle contractions in my face and neck.  I couldn't breathe due to congestion from my cold, and that was probably causing some of the muscle issues, but it felt like dystonia.  I continue to awaken in a panic during the night every night.  Some nights it's stronger than others.  One night it was accompanied by nausea.  

 

It's been difficult since I returned. I'm in a state of PTSD, I believe.  It's fading slowly.  The feeling that everything is wrong is strong.  Perhaps it's mild derealization.  There no organization in my head.  

 

I'm having a hard time getting ready to leave, of course.  I did sort my daughter's clothes, and I bought a few new ones for her.  I'm lucky I was able to do that.  Getting the house ready for someone to stay here is very challenging.  I'm in a constant state of anxiety over that.  I'm desperate to clear out space and clean, but I can't throw things away.  I see things I want to throw away, but then I see things next to them that I want to keep and organize, and I feel overwhelmed by the task.  I'm afraid I'll throw away something my daughter loves -- that is a huge part of the problem.  I'm also afraid I'll throw away something I will regret tossing.  I really need to pack everything up and deal with it later, but I try and I feel uncomfortable with putting it all in one bin -- with mixing it all together into a more chaotic mess.  I think I'm not sufficiently healed to do anything.  Of course, being through the trauma of seeing my mother didn't help.

 

While I was away I had the same problem with panicky wake ups, but it was mildler.  I had only one night of bad insomnia while I was away.  I have been back for 5 nights now.  The emotional issues continue to strong during the night, too.  Seeing my mother and dealing with her extreme eccentricities was very hard.  She's an odd germaphobe who has lived alone for over 30 years.  Many of her attempts to avoid germs actually create more opportunities for germs to proliferate.  After 5 days with her while trying to care for my daughter there I was very overwrought.  

 

She doesn't have a trash can not even in the bathroom.  She hangs a large, 30 gallon trash bag off of the front of the stove in the kitchen.  I have to touch it to open it in order to put trash in it.  After I left, I realized that she doesn't use the sink in the bathroom at all.  She uses the kitchen sink for everything, and she never cooks.  She doesn't have hand towels or kitchen towels -- only paper towels and no dispenser at all anywhere.  She thinks towels carry germs, but I needed two hands to get a paper towel.  So I'm constantly touching the top of the paper towels.  These sorts of things really wear on me after a few days.   My mind isn't good at finding solutions right now, and I couldn't work around her odd situation.  I simply suffered it.  Her overuse of plastic -- throwing out one or two 30 gallon plastic bags with a few paper towels at the bottom of each every single day -- makes my skin crawl, but it's a germaphobe issue for her.   It's the sort of thing I could have handled years ago.  She should live however she's comfortable, but now I feel threatened by these matters.  

 

She doesn't even have salt or sugar or oil.  She has no frying pan.  She drinks three or four cups of coffee starting at about 5:00 am, and she goes out for fast food around noon.  She doesn't eat again until 24 hours later.  How can a germaphobe eat fast food?  One meal a day is all she has.  She couldn't eat with us, and we found it difficult to eat there anyway.  I boiled eggs, and we had cereal and yogurt.  That's all we could do.  Even that was hard.  Besides her china coffee cups, she has real, antique china plates only, a few extremely cheap plastic bowls that can't be used in the microwave, and a few water glasses.  That's it.  I think the plastic bowls were for us and she never actually uses the china plates or water glasses. The last day I found some stoneware plates wrapped in newspapers.  One morning I was trying to prepare coffee when I found that she had put the china coffee cups in the upper cupboard full of soap and water.  My husband tried to go grocery shopping, but he returned to find there was no salt and no oil.  So we went grocery shopping again.  Then we came back and realized there was no frying pan.  We gave up the idea of eating there which meant we ate very poorly.  Finally we bought some frozen dinners for that last day.

 

She doesn't bathe very often, and she smells.  She smells of perfume and a strange body odor that I can't describe.  It's so strong it lingers in the bathroom after she "bathes," which I think consists of using baby wipes somehow.  She doesn't shower; she never has.  She only bathes, but sitting in soapy water can cause infections.  So, she doesn't do that now.  She has bubble bath, but she says she doesn't sit in the bath with bubbles.  I have no idea what she does.  She worried that the residue of the bubble bath in the tub would hurt my daughter when she took a bath.   I guess she's afraid of soap, and she's afraid of germs.  It worries me that she's not clean.  She does laundry everyday at least.  It's a lot of water and energy to use, but considering the lack of bathing  . . .

 

She thinks she has dry skin so she puts some expensive lotion on her face in a very thick layer that actually drips down her cheeks.  She expects me to talk to her and look at her while this is happening.  She did that again on the day before I left, and I completely lost my temper.  It was the final straw.  She said she did it so that she could go outside with us!!  As if the lotion was for sunscreen, I suppose.  It isn't sunscreen.  The humidity there was high, and the temp was in the 80s.  She said she lets the lotion "evaporate" off of her face.  She says the doctor told her to do this.  The germaphobia is strangely mixed with some phobia about her skin condition which is undoubtedly exacerbated by her attempts to remedy it.  The odd lotion use seems like a sure fire way to get a skin infection.  She leaves the bottles of it sitting open all the time.  I expected the long term use of Prozac to affect her, and the skin issue is relatively new.  The phobia is getting worse.  I didn't take any pictures of her with my daughter because she looks so strange with white patches of dried, gloopy lotion on her cheeks.

 

We were there too long.  Between the direct flights being expensive and spaced out and my need for two banking days in case something went wrong the first day we were there too many days.

 

I have so much anger toward her for the fact that she ignored me in favor of a revolving door of boyfriends from the time I was 12 and failing to even leave food in the house for me, never attending my after school events, driving away my friends, etc.. To see her becoming even more eccentric is extremely threatening.  I have no siblings that are related to her.  Her paperwork is in shambles.  She expects me to help her, but it's so hard to see her.  

 

She let me flail about as a pre-teen and teenager completely oblivious to my basic needs.  I am so scarred by that.  Sometimes it's the world I live in during the night.  When I wake up from a cortisol spike at 12:30, I feel that I'm re-living my teens when nothing made sense, and I was helpless.

 

When I finally lost my cool over the face lotion issue I got the whole guilt trip, shaming, "everyone feels you are an ungrateful brat" treatment from her.  She said, "Everyone told me to just stay calm."  "This is ridiculous."  "This shouldn't bother you."  "We're family; whatever happened in the past, we have to just go on and love each other."  "The doctor told me to do this."  I hear all of this and it's reminiscent of the gas lighting and invalidation that she had thrown at me as a teenager.  

 

It's 10:30.  I need to get up, eat, and try to get something accomplished today.

 

 

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DMV64

Oh wow Rosetta! This sounds so hard and so so triggering. I really feel for you, and little you growing up. It is amazing the person you are, the person you have become growing up through all that. Much love to you.

XO 

DMV

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