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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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DMV64
On 8/6/2019 at 1:23 PM, Rosetta said:

hanks for the advice on packing.  It's particulary challenging for me.  There's something about all the different issues I have in WD that causes several different tendencies to form the perfect storm - disorganization to begin with.

Rosetta-I cannot believe how much I related to what you have shared in this paragraph. I have a terrible time with disorganization. Also traveling AND fear of spending money.

I cannot go into department stores really at all. I become afraid and overwhelmed. thank you for sharing this.

-D

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Rosetta

I survived.  It wasn't pretty.  Thanks for all your kind notes that I read while I was gone.  I have a head cold now, but I'm back home.

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wantrelief

You did it, Rosetta!  It sounds like it was rough but you made it.  I am sorry about the head cold....that is hard to cope with on top of withdrawal.  You are so very strong.  Thinking about you - WR.

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Rabe

Just thinking about you Rosetta and hoping you are still doing ok!!  When do you leave?  Love and hugs to you my friend!!  💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

Thank you for your kind messages.  I hope things continuing on a bit of an improvement curve for you.

 

Warmest wishes

 

Neroli 💜

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Rosetta

Thanks, everyone.  I'll recover eventually.

 

Right now the prolonged WD symptoms are not too bad during the day except for constant anxiety.  After a few hours of sleep they are worse.  My first night back, I had very strong and painful muscle contractions in my face and neck.  I couldn't breathe due to congestion from my cold, and that was probably causing some of the muscle issues, but it felt like dystonia.  I continue to awaken in a panic during the night every night.  Some nights it's stronger than others.  One night it was accompanied by nausea.  

 

It's been difficult since I returned. I'm in a state of PTSD, I believe.  It's fading slowly.  The feeling that everything is wrong is strong.  Perhaps it's mild derealization.  There no organization in my head.  

 

I'm having a hard time getting ready to leave, of course.  I did sort my daughter's clothes, and I bought a few new ones for her.  I'm lucky I was able to do that.  Getting the house ready for someone to stay here is very challenging.  I'm in a constant state of anxiety over that.  I'm desperate to clear out space and clean, but I can't throw things away.  I see things I want to throw away, but then I see things next to them that I want to keep and organize, and I feel overwhelmed by the task.  I'm afraid I'll throw away something my daughter loves -- that is a huge part of the problem.  I'm also afraid I'll throw away something I will regret tossing.  I really need to pack everything up and deal with it later, but I try and I feel uncomfortable with putting it all in one bin -- with mixing it all together into a more chaotic mess.  I think I'm not sufficiently healed to do anything.  Of course, being through the trauma of seeing my mother didn't help.

 

While I was away I had the same problem with panicky wake ups, but it was mildler.  I had only one night of bad insomnia while I was away.  I have been back for 5 nights now.  The emotional issues continue to strong during the night, too.  Seeing my mother and dealing with her extreme eccentricities was very hard.  She's an odd germaphobe who has lived alone for over 30 years.  Many of her attempts to avoid germs actually create more opportunities for germs to proliferate.  After 5 days with her while trying to care for my daughter there I was very overwrought.  

 

She doesn't have a trash can not even in the bathroom.  She hangs a large, 30 gallon trash bag off of the front of the stove in the kitchen.  I have to touch it to open it in order to put trash in it.  After I left, I realized that she doesn't use the sink in the bathroom at all.  She uses the kitchen sink for everything, and she never cooks.  She doesn't have hand towels or kitchen towels -- only paper towels and no dispenser at all anywhere.  She thinks towels carry germs, but I needed two hands to get a paper towel.  So I'm constantly touching the top of the paper towels.  These sorts of things really wear on me after a few days.   My mind isn't good at finding solutions right now, and I couldn't work around her odd situation.  I simply suffered it.  Her overuse of plastic -- throwing out one or two 30 gallon plastic bags with a few paper towels at the bottom of each every single day -- makes my skin crawl, but it's a germaphobe issue for her.   It's the sort of thing I could have handled years ago.  She should live however she's comfortable, but now I feel threatened by these matters.  

 

She doesn't even have salt or sugar or oil.  She has no frying pan.  She drinks three or four cups of coffee starting at about 5:00 am, and she goes out for fast food around noon.  She doesn't eat again until 24 hours later.  How can a germaphobe eat fast food?  One meal a day is all she has.  She couldn't eat with us, and we found it difficult to eat there anyway.  I boiled eggs, and we had cereal and yogurt.  That's all we could do.  Even that was hard.  Besides her china coffee cups, she has real, antique china plates only, a few extremely cheap plastic bowls that can't be used in the microwave, and a few water glasses.  That's it.  I think the plastic bowls were for us and she never actually uses the china plates or water glasses. The last day I found some stoneware plates wrapped in newspapers.  One morning I was trying to prepare coffee when I found that she had put the china coffee cups in the upper cupboard full of soap and water.  My husband tried to go grocery shopping, but he returned to find there was no salt and no oil.  So we went grocery shopping again.  Then we came back and realized there was no frying pan.  We gave up the idea of eating there which meant we ate very poorly.  Finally we bought some frozen dinners for that last day.

 

She doesn't bathe very often, and she smells.  She smells of perfume and a strange body odor that I can't describe.  It's so strong it lingers in the bathroom after she "bathes," which I think consists of using baby wipes somehow.  She doesn't shower; she never has.  She only bathes, but sitting in soapy water can cause infections.  So, she doesn't do that now.  She has bubble bath, but she says she doesn't sit in the bath with bubbles.  I have no idea what she does.  She worried that the residue of the bubble bath in the tub would hurt my daughter when she took a bath.   I guess she's afraid of soap, and she's afraid of germs.  It worries me that she's not clean.  She does laundry everyday at least.  It's a lot of water and energy to use, but considering the lack of bathing  . . .

 

She thinks she has dry skin so she puts some expensive lotion on her face in a very thick layer that actually drips down her cheeks.  She expects me to talk to her and look at her while this is happening.  She did that again on the day before I left, and I completely lost my temper.  It was the final straw.  She said she did it so that she could go outside with us!!  As if the lotion was for sunscreen, I suppose.  It isn't sunscreen.  The humidity there was high, and the temp was in the 80s.  She said she lets the lotion "evaporate" off of her face.  She says the doctor told her to do this.  The germaphobia is strangely mixed with some phobia about her skin condition which is undoubtedly exacerbated by her attempts to remedy it.  The odd lotion use seems like a sure fire way to get a skin infection.  She leaves the bottles of it sitting open all the time.  I expected the long term use of Prozac to affect her, and the skin issue is relatively new.  The phobia is getting worse.  I didn't take any pictures of her with my daughter because she looks so strange with white patches of dried, gloopy lotion on her cheeks.

 

We were there too long.  Between the direct flights being expensive and spaced out and my need for two banking days in case something went wrong the first day we were there too many days.

 

I have so much anger toward her for the fact that she ignored me in favor of a revolving door of boyfriends from the time I was 12 and failing to even leave food in the house for me, never attending my after school events, driving away my friends, etc.. To see her becoming even more eccentric is extremely threatening.  I have no siblings that are related to her.  Her paperwork is in shambles.  She expects me to help her, but it's so hard to see her.  

 

She let me flail about as a pre-teen and teenager completely oblivious to my basic needs.  I am so scarred by that.  Sometimes it's the world I live in during the night.  When I wake up from a cortisol spike at 12:30, I feel that I'm re-living my teens when nothing made sense, and I was helpless.

 

When I finally lost my cool over the face lotion issue I got the whole guilt trip, shaming, "everyone feels you are an ungrateful brat" treatment from her.  She said, "Everyone told me to just stay calm."  "This is ridiculous."  "This shouldn't bother you."  "We're family; whatever happened in the past, we have to just go on and love each other."  "The doctor told me to do this."  I hear all of this and it's reminiscent of the gas lighting and invalidation that she had thrown at me as a teenager.  

 

It's 10:30.  I need to get up, eat, and try to get something accomplished today.

 

 

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DMV64

Oh wow Rosetta! This sounds so hard and so so triggering. I really feel for you, and little you growing up. It is amazing the person you are, the person you have become growing up through all that. Much love to you.

XO 

DMV

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Rosetta

TWO and a HALF years since rapid taper off all drugs.

 

Thank you, DMV.  The last two nights have been better.  Still waking up and staying awake too long, but there has been less rumination.  Maybe I'm seeing some overall calming of my system.  I hope so.  This is such a slow, slow process.  I am better than 6 months ago.  I'm still having a lot problems with muscle tension.  Jaw clenching in my sleep is pretty bad.  My arms ache much of the time.  My joints ache especially my knees and elbows.  Anxiety is still very frequent and is usually less intense in the evenings.  If I don't get to bed early enough anxiety ramps up again.  My overall physical condition is poor.  I feel weak in terms of my muscles in my legs.  I'm fatigued often.  During the last stretch of wave I gained weight.  I think I lose weight during window-ish periods and gain weight during wave-ish periods.  My appetite is poor, but I get very hungry if I don't eat.  Nothing seems appetizing if I try to think of what I want, but if food is put in front of me I eat it.  I think this is part of a problem with my imagination that comes and goes.  

 

Yesterday was a day I could not help but take a nap.  I was at my MIL's when the excessive sleepiness hit.  It was a fitful sleep with a lot of noise around me, and it was too hot to sleep.  I kept falling asleep and hearing noises in a half awake state.  The noises did not ramp up my system the way having my daughter wake me again and again might even though she was making the noise.  She was being cared for by her grandmother, and I was getting a break.  I think that helped.  Finally, my phone rang and a friend was calling. That woke me up.  I went for a walk for an hour and a half after that.  This morning I woke up with severe tension in my jaw, temples, neck and chest from clenching my jaw in my sleep.  

 

My daughter has camp this week.  So, it's back to the grind of driving her back and forth again 30-45 minutes each way.  At least she'll get activity and be more tired at night.  

 

I have 14 days to be ready to fly.  

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Rosetta

About dystonia:

 

As for dystonia, it's slowly resolving.  I think Celexa caused it.  I know when it started -- not long after I started Celexa over 18 years ago in 2000 or 2001. My toes started cramping severely within a short time.  I had "sleep apnea," and it was finally diagnosed in 2003.  That was only a few years after starting Celexa. Now that I'm healing from the rapid taper, I don't think I have trouble breathing at night, but I still have jaw clenching and muscle contractions in my neck while I sleep.  I think that I had sleep apnea because of dystonia or muscle tension at night caused by Celexa or possibly inconsistent dosing of Celexa.  

 

If I had been warned about dystonia and monitored for that I probably would have quit Celexa.  But there was no real medical oversight or even interest in monitoring side effects, of course.  I only know in hind sight what the symptoms meant.  I wasn't aware of the word "dystonia" until after I found SA about 35 months ago.  

 

Dystonia worsened over the years I took Celexa.  I was falling down stairs in 2006.  I became more and more clumsy overtime especially during my period.  Now, I can see that all my "withdrawal" symptoms are worse during my period.  That explains my clumsiness.  I was in and out of dysautonomia (protracted withdrawal) from the time I started taking Celexa.  I had no idea that consistent dosing was so important.  

 

It's possible my dystonia was worsened by Xanax in 2016 or Trazodone in 2017 or simply quitting Zoloft in February of 2017.  It became very strong after I quit all drugs.  It's slowly fading, but even now I'm uncoordinated whether I feel the muscle contraction or not.

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Rosetta

I'm having less rumination in the night.  I continue to have surges of cortisol with fearful wake ups.  I'm awake too long afterward, but there are no waking nightmares going on.  

 

Mornings are quite anxious.  Today I stayed home in the morning.  I went to lunch with a friend at 12:30.  By then I was calm enough to go.  It was hard to drive -- I was jittery.  

 

I'm anxious before bed, too, but the anxiety is in my limbs.  

 

I had tummy troubles today.  This sems to be the 4th month with no period, but I'm having all sorts of indications that my hormones are operating at a lower level.  Tenderness, anxiety.

 

My elbows are very sore.

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to pop by and see how you’re doing. I can’t read a lot due to severe brain fog but it’s nice to read that you’re having less rumination at night. I’m sorry you’re still having trouble with cortisol surges, I don’t have too much problem with that at the moment, but I have had problems with that in the past. I seem to wake up some mornings with my body buzzing. All the weird symptoms we get, hey.

 

Sending hugs🤗

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Rabe

Oh Rosetta I am sad for your difficult visit with your mother.  I give you much much credit for going...but know it was very hard.  Sometimes seeing the reality now that we couldn't see as a child can be helpful over time.  I hope this for you as you move forward through it all.

So happy to hear about your walk, preparations for your trip, and the symptoms that seem to continue to improve over all?  I hope that is true.  

I am happy that your daughter is going to camp and that the trips seem to be easier to think about than last year.

Hope I am reading your posts ok.  Little foggy.

When do you leave?  It will be such a nice trip for all of you I think.  Sometimes getting away is a good thing...I hope this for you and your family!!

Think of you daily and love you my friend!!  Love and hugs Rosetta! 💜

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neroli

Hi Rosetta

 

Popping in to say all the best for your trip.  Not long now.

 

You are doing so well and coping admirably - you do need to give yourself credit for that.  Even 100% well, all the activities and sorting out for travel can be taxing, so you are being super-human!

 

Wishing you the best and sending love

 

Neroli 💜💜💜

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Heal95

Hello Rosetta. I have been reading up on your thread regularly. You are very brave and strong. Wishing you lots of healing 💙

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I hope you’re coping as best you can. I hope you have a lovely time on your trip, sending hugs🤗

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Rosetta

Thank you @Rabe My dear, dear friend.  You are there for me, and I am very grateful.  I'm hoping that the neuro emotions are causing the extreme feelings.  Perhaps I'll be at peace with the past someday.  I try to focus on making my daughter feel loved and wanted -- if I can do that maybe the child I was will feel that way, too.  I can only hope.  Thank you for all your warm wishes.  

 

We leave one week from today.  It's ok.  What will be will be.  I can adjust.  I do feel some happiness and excitement about going.  For a very long time that feeling has been almost non-existent for me about almost everything no matter how simple.  Usually, I dread having to do anything at all.  I want to hide, but that doesn't take away the feeling of everything being wrong.

 

Thanks for your note, @Carmie.  I'm glad your cortisol issues are absent.  You are a very kind and giving soul.  Thanks for all your support to me and everyone else.

 

@DMV64 @wantrelief @neroli @FarmGirlWorksWhat would I do without you all by my side?  Thank you!

 

The last THREE nights were more peaceful than most.  Still some fear in the darkness.  Anxiety in the morning, of course.  Not always upon awakening, but usually.  If not upon awakening, later whilst trying to get my daughter to camp.  Having breakfast helps.  It's hard to get enough to eat.  I have lack of appetite so often.  A long walk is both good and bad.  I went on Friday. (Today is Sunday).  I get tired from it, but not relaxed.  

 

@Heal95 Nice to meet you.  Thank you for the compliments.  I suppose I am, but only because I have to be for someone else.  But you are right.  I am powering through this one way or another.  It is my only option, and I won't give up.  So few people will ever know how hard this is to survive.  I hope you have a much more mild version than I do, Heal.

 

I got new contacts!!  My first in about 2 years.  I had given up on them in the midst of my very severe dysautonomia.  I need bifocals, and I can't use bifocal contacts because of a strange issue with one eye.  My new contacts are hard to get used to.  If I wear bifocals I don't feel sick to my stomach and dizzy, but with the contacts I do.  I can't see anything up close.  When I get the right reading glasses perhaps it will be better.  Right now I feel dizzy a lot.  Often I am well hydrated but feeling as if I am not and well fed but feeling as if my blood sugar is low.  I'm wondering if my vision is involved in those sensations.  I'm going to have to learn to ignore my visual input except when I look across the room unless I have my reading glasses on.  There is an in between point that can't be corrected.  I suppose people get used to this.  I'm not sure if it will get better as I heal from protracted WD or not.  I have a strong sense that dysautonomia (protracted WD) has affected the ability of my eyes to focus.  

 

Today is a better day.  I slept better than I have in many weeks.  The period of lying awake was short.  

 

 

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Carmie

So glad to hear that you’re having a better day and that you got a good sleep Rosetta.💚

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Rosetta

Thank yoh, Carmie. 

 

Last night, I had tummy troubles that I usually have during my period.  I slept ok waking up twice, but I wasn't awake a long time.  I woke up this morning in a panic.  I have been anxious all day, and around noon I was so sleepy that I had to go home.  I fell asleep sitting up for a while..  When I woke up I couldn't sleep again.  My nervousness has continued through to now -- about 8:30 pm.  

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thelegend

Wow you are quite the survivor, looks like you have been going through the ringer for quite some time. Do you feel any better than when it first started? I am pulling for you!

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Rabe
On 8/25/2019 at 11:18 AM, Rosetta said:

try to focus on making my daughter feel loved and wanted -- if I can do that maybe the child I was will feel that way, too.

 

I did the same most of my life...taking care of others and pets and kids and home...I have come to understand that is quite common with trauma and abuse.

I am grateful that I did what I could for my kids along the way...I felt I could make it all better.  The reality is I could not.  They each have their own issues which is harder now as I feel I cannot help at all or minimally...but perhaps in some ways that is ok.  Ultimately we are adults now and have to figure out our lives...but that child within still has so many facets and issues...that is where my focus has to be now.

Your daughter is so blessed to have you Rosetta.  You have been through much in life and understand so much that will help her greatly along the way....and through her I believe you will perhaps find the healing of some of your own child within.  Love you so much dear friend!!  Hope the packing and all continues to go ok!!💜

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Rosetta

Thank you, Rabe.  You are so wise.

 

Journal:

 

This is 30 months (2 and 1\2 years) after a fast taper that might as well have been a CT.  I'm suffering emotionally, having nightly periods of insomnia, and dystonia like reactions to reading and typing on an iPad.  I have little motivation, and I'm fatigued.  My appetite is poor.  Food tastes better than it used to when I do eat.  I have a lot of trouble with my imagination.  I struggle to plan, to organize, to prepare for anything.  I have Windows of time when I can do such things.  My memory is poor.  I have cortisol wake ups and anxious mornings.  These are my main complaints.

 

Overall, everything is improving very slowly and with periods of regression (waves) that are very frustrating.  Symptoms I no longer have very often: POTS, hair falling out, DP, DR, SI, severe dystonia, headaches, crying, severe akathisia (and the attendant screaming that was so disturbing to me and my family), phantom smells, extreme sensitivity to light, and feeling very cold.

 

My period arrived yesterday for the first time in 3 months.  I have been feeling very sleepy in the after noon for several days in a row.  Muscle tension and headaches came back.  No headache this afternoon.  I'm confused, and I can't pack for my trip.  the good news is that I have been able to run errands and go for walks and eat reasonably well this week.  I have been anxious in the afternoons the last few days.  

 

I may not post here much for a while after Saturday the 31st.  I think it's going to be hard to get online for a few days after we fly.  I will be thinking of you all.

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta, I know you leave tomorrow!  Just wanted you to know that I am and will be thinking of you and your family so so much!!!  How long will you be gone?  I hope this will be a lovely journey in many ways.  Hoping the packing and all has come together and that you are pretty much ready to go.  Juset cant tell you how much my heart is with you on this!!  Take care my dear friend and enjoy!!!  Love and hugs to you dear Rosetta!!!💜

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brassmonkey

I hope you have a great trip.  Update us when you can, but take time to enjoy the trip and not worry about us.

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Guilietta
On 8/25/2019 at 12:18 PM, Rosetta said:

Right now I feel dizzy a lot.  Often I am well hydrated but feeling as if I am not and well fed but feeling as if my blood sugar is low.  I'm wondering if my vision is involved in those sensations.  I'm going to have to learn to ignore my visual input except when I look across the room unless I have my reading glasses on.  There is an in between point that can't be corrected.  I suppose people get used to this.  I'm not sure if it will get better as I heal from protracted WD or not.  I have a strong sense that dysautonomia (protracted WD) has affected the ability of my eyes to focus.  

 

Hello Rosetta,

 

I hope you have a wonderful to Spain. I am glad you are able to travel.

 

Does your dizziness last for long and does it prevent you from standing? I found that mine often does. It usually lasts for 2.5 hours in the morning.  It generally starts around 7.30 or 8 and mostly ends around 10.30.  Often at this time my vision is most blurry! Reading anything - particularly ont he computer - is close to impossible. My vision is often blurry b/c of my meds (general MD consensus) - but it is far worse now.

 

Enjoy your trip.

 

 

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Gridley

Hasta luego, dear friend.  

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Rosetta

Hola de Espana!  This is an enormous challenge.  The jet lag alone is difficult.  We landed at 3 pm local time and stayed awake until 11 pm, but that didn't save me from waking up at 1 am and staying awake until 5 am.  That is what happens to me on a bad night at home.  Fortunately, my worries were not intense at that time.  So, overall, insomnia wasn't a problem.  I crashed again after lunch and slept from about 3-6 pm.  It's 9 pm now.  I have not had cortisol spikes yet.  So, that's a major plus.  Two nights with no spikes is wonderful even if one was spent on a plane with only 4 hours of broken sleep!  I had hoped for this effect from the jet lag, and it's happened.  I hope it lasts a while. 

 

There are a lot of annoying, inconvenient things about being here.  I'm trying to roll with it.  My daughter won't eat anything in the restaurants but bread.  I have not found fresh milk yet, and we have no toaster.  Etc, etc.  I have no dryer and no clothes pins.  Minor problems on top of minor problems.  I have to breathe and remind myself that I'm healed enough to handle this.  It is truly AMAZING that I have not had a major meltdown over this trip.  Some bumps, I've raised my voice, I've been extremely frustrated a few times, but I've had no crying spells or breakdowns!!! Shocking.

 

@Rabe Thank you, dear.  We will be here 4 months.  Thank you for caring.

 

@brassmonkey @Gridley Thank you!!  I'm going to try to focus on life instead The brain injury!

 

The elevator is the width of an inquisition torture cage, literally!  It's 2 feet by 2.5 feet, and I'm not kidding in the least.  Well, at least we can stand up, but I think if we were all trapped in there for any length of time . . . I shudder to think.  Only two adults fit and if there were three they had better all three be married to each other!!  Haha.  The counter weights are right outside my kitchen window.  It will be fun show my daughter how counter weights operate.

 

@Guilietta more later -- my battery is dead. Sorry.

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Guilietta
56 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

It will be fun show my daughter how counter weights operate.

 

Maybe you can tell us what they are and how they operate too 😁 I have never heard of them.

 

What an adventure it sounds like and you are taking the difficulties in stride. I remind myself to stop and take deep breaths when things get overwhelming.

 

Look forward to getting an update from your time in Spain! How nice you can visit.

 

Guilietta

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wantrelief

I am so impressed with how you are dealing with all of this change and for even having the courage to go to Spain in the first place.....you are amazing, Rosetta!

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta,

I am SO happy to hear the joy in your voice!  I dont think I have ever read a 'haha' from you until now!  SOOOO grateful to hear you have been able to go with the flow.  I truly felt this could happen for you ... leaving the past here and going through the looking glass a bit.  I am SO happy for and proud of you!!  Such a huge step and 4 MONTHS!!! WOW!  I missed that somewhere along the way.

Hmmm....your daughter eats only the bread.  Got any PB and J over there?  I hope things continue to flow well.  Please keep us posted when you can!  Have fun, take lots of pics and videos.  Love and hugs to you dear friend!!💜

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, sending you big hugs🤗🤗

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Rosetta

I'm doing better than this time last week.  It's been quite difficult to adjust.  My body did not want to accept the time change.  I think that it was about 10 days before I started to fall asleep at a proper time.

 

I am now back to falling asleep at about 8:30 or 9 and waking in the night feeling very worried and staying awake for a while.  Sometimes it's too long.  The good news is that my mind is wandering off and thinking about things that are NOT worrisome or scary at times!!!  This is new.  In the past, being awake in the night was always a negative or very negative experience.  I'm still waking up with a degree of fear, but the fear wears off before I fall asleep again. 

 

I spent a fair amount of time worrying night before last because our cat at home has not been willing to let our housesitter feed her.  If she doesn't eat her food quickly the neighbor's cat will eat it.  So, we need her to trust our housesitter.   I'm not sure what the solution might be.  Still thinking about it.

 

The first week was very, very hard.  My daughter was up until 1:00 am Tuesday night and 3:00 am Wednesday night with her first day of school on Thursday.  She could not go to school until lunch time.  There was too much risk she would have a meltdown and be living that down for a month. 

 

I was calm Tuesday night.  She was so homesick and nervous about a new school.  She didn't sleep until 1:00 am, and I didn't sleep until about 6:00 am.  She had 12 hours of sleep.  I slept very late and had about 5-6 hours until about noon or 1:00 pm. Then, I slept more Wednesday afternoon.  My daughter didn't.  We had made a trip to the visit the school (before classes started Thursday) which took about 4 hours.  My daughter barely ate all day.   Wednesday night, I was a wreck over lost sleep and her distress.  She had had little physical activity since Sunday because we were so jet lagged.  She was grumpy and wired.  I fell asleep early Wednesday night while my husband stayed up with my daughter.  Nevertheless, she woke me up over and over.  That causes such severe agitation for me.  At about 1:00 am I fed her eggs.  She finally passed out at 3:00 am.  We woke up at about 8:30 am on Thursday and decided that my daughter simply had to have more sleep for the first day of school. So, we took her to school for only the last half of the day.  That worked out well.

 

There is no benadryl in Spain.  None.  Not even for adults!  I'm not sure what people do for allergies, but it seems to be safe for one night of sleep.  Not an option here.  I don't feel comfortable taking anything else.

 

Living in such close proximity to other people is stressful.  We don't live in a city at home.  It's so noisy at night.  I am awakened by people washing dishes at 11:00 pm or midnight.  

 

My daughter's first day at school went well.  She fell asleep at about 8:30.  Thank goodness.  However, I was up from about 2:00 am to 6:00 am that night.  I slept from about 9 pm to 2 am.  Five hours.  My mood was very bad on Friday, of course.

 

On Sunday, we went to a friend's mother's house.  My daughter had 3 kids to play with in the garden.  Everyone was out of sorts because 2 of the kids had been in Mexico for the last week.  They were adjusting to the time, too!  Overall, it was ok, but bumpy.

 

On Monday, I started school.  I am there from 1:00 pm to 5:00, and most of the restaurants are closed until 8:00 pm.  So, I'm trying to find all the food I need and feed us at 6:00 pm in a kitchen that isn't very well appointed.  It's has been frustrating.

 

Ultimately, I'm shocked at how well I'm dealing with all of this.  I'm hoping that my next period doesn't throw me for a loop, but I have had only 1 crying spell since we arrived.  I had some excessive anger during the time I was getting too little sleep, and crying happened at the tail end of that phase.  I have been able to walk, and shop, and prepare simple food, and keep the laundry done.  I believe that part of my success is because I'm away from all the clutter.  My brain can focus and process better here.

 

@wantrelief @Gridley @Rabe @Carmie @Guilietta @brassmonkey  Thanks for stopping by!

 

Last weekend my body started to adjust to the time change, but on Wednesday of this second week here I was still struggling, and I took my daughter to school late that morning.  Her teacher said she had a better day that day.  She's been homesick.

 

We have to be up at 7:30 on school days.  I'm walking almost every day.

 

 

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Longestroadhome

Rosetta, thank you for stopping by on my thread. I find your thread very interesting, specifically the anxiety part. It makes me realise that I am in withdrawal ( duh!) and that my journey is far from over. For some strange reason I thought once I came off lexapro the healing would begin 😂😂 Anxiety has been an almost constant companion since jumping off twelve months ago, sometimes just an irritating background noise and other times overwhelming. Lately I have wondered if it isn’t just ‘me’ but after reading through your thread I realise a lot of it has been withdrawal symptoms. 

 

Your trip to Spain sound very intriguing. What a wonderful experience. I could barely manage to leave my home whilst on high doses of lexapro. Now I am much more adventurous. And here you are, living on the other side of the world! Yay you 👍🏻 You have come a long way 😘

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Guilietta

Hello Rosetta,

 

Thank you for the long post so we know how you are doing. I am so impressed that you are going through the taper and all that it involves - in a foreign land. Give yourself a big pat on the bag. How would you treat your best friend - or someone you cherished - when they were coping with this situation. When I become overwhelmed with things - if I can remember or am reminded - I ask myself this and it remindes me that I am being hard on myself and should love myself more. :)

 

I have a few comments- which I have responded to according to yours - and sorry about any redundancies.

 

On 9/14/2019 at 7:42 AM, Rosetta said:

I'm doing better than this time last week.  It's been quite difficult to adjust.  My body did not want to accept the time change.  I think that it was about 10 days before I started to fall asleep at a proper time.

 

I am now back to falling asleep at about 8:30 or 9 and waking in the night feeling very worried and staying awake for a while. 

 

It has taken me 10-12 days to adjust when traveling to Germany (another hour away I think?) - so I have to push myself to adjust. I compensated by taking an hour long nap in the early afternoon. Esp. important during the sensitzed nervous system I find.

 

Awaking feeling worries -yes - you and I are not alone - whether we are tapering or not. I find the high level of anxiety to be more troublesome. Try to think positive thoughts only 2-3 hours before bedtime - and maybe keep a worry book during the day - so you can say ' well, worry about x ' - you're here and when I can address you - I'll know where to find you.' This has helped me take something off my mind.

 

Another thing which I am learning through CBT - and that a friend has told me - is that I 'catastophrize' things. This is true - and is one of those cognitive distortions. There are so many things we cannot control - and learning not to is really hard.  One of these days I would like to share/post (maybe create a thread?) some of things I am learning about CBT. Not sure how to do this and the time - since writing is an ordeal for me and I am slow at it!

 

On 9/14/2019 at 7:42 AM, Rosetta said:

Living in such close proximity to other people is stressful.  We don't live in a city at home.  It's so noisy at night.  I am awakened by people washing dishes at 11:00 pm or midnight.  

 

Eke. Have you tried ear plugs or cotton balls? Or white noise that you like? I find this link (free) can be nice when I cannot quiet my mind:  Sometimes I use ear plugs and listen to relaxing classical music at low volume or guided meditation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ6xgDI7Whc

 

https://www.calmsound.com/

 

I'm envious of you traveling abroad. I don't think I'm stable enough to travel to Europe this October for a group trip I wanted to join. I'd be to be dizzy for 3 hours in the morning -

 

Have a great day. And with your walking, etc. - good job!

 

Guilietta

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Rosetta

@Heal95 @thelegend Thanks for stopping by.  Rough timing for me, but I will check your threads eventually.

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Heal95

@Rosetta there is no need to apologise at all! There are many people who comment on your thread. Don’t feel rushed to comment on everyone’s thread. The best thing we read from you is that you’re feeling better. I know too well that replying to a lot of things can be very trying at the best of times, especially with a compromised nervous system! Washing dishes sometimes sends me over the edge. 

 

I’m in complete awe that you managed undertake a move overseas. Kudos to you. You are very strong. I hope your daughter settles in and you and your family are able to enjoy to your fullest capacity. Enjoy your time in Spain. 

 

Lots of love and lots of healing your way

Heal95 

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Guilietta
52 minutes ago, Heal95 said:

there is no need to apologise at all! There are many people who comment on your thread. Don’t feel rushed to comment on everyone’s thread. The best thing we read from you is that you’re feeling better.

 

Well said Heal95! Whenever you or another can post an update - whether things are up are down - we like to know! No rush to respond to us. I don't like to leave someone waiting for a reply either - but it is stressful when there are other things going on and I am thinking about checking in.

56 minutes ago, Heal95 said:

Washing dishes sometimes sends me over the edge. 

 

I know that all too well. Last night I could get dirty plates in the dishwasher  - but had to postpone the pans. 😉

 

Hugs,

 

Guilietta

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