Jump to content
Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

Recommended Posts

Downbutnotout
On 2/11/2018 at 2:46 PM, Rosetta said:

Today is a "feeling normal" day.  What a relief.

 

Icebat's recommendations for digestive health:

 

  • I count calories to make sure I am eating enough (others might need to make sure they are not eating too much)
  • I hydrate mostly between meals, and don't drink more than a little water/drink with my meals
  • If I am not hungry but I need to get more calories, I drink fresh ginger tea, which tends to stimulate my hunger a little bit and makes it easier to eat.
  • I take apple cider vinegar (diluted) and digestive bitters before I eat meat (I am not super good about this but I do seem to make a small improvement when I do)
  • I track my bathroom trips and stool consistency to notice any patterns that could signal that I need to change up my diet/lifestyle
  • I eat fruit separate from every other type of food, which is an Ayurvedic technique to avoid reducing digestive power. According to Ayurveda, fruit digests quickly and should be eaten at least 20min before a meal, or a few hours after a meal when the meal is done digesting (though with my sluggish digestion it feels like sometimes the food never fully stops digesting!)
  • Lately if my digestion gets really bad for a few days straight, I do a Khichdi (rice and mung bean) monodiet for a few days which is very easy for me to digest.

it sounds like you are perfect for this website, and are doing the right things. 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Hello.  Third day in a row of "feeling norma!."  All these "feeling normal" days feel precarious.  There's a manageable cortisol response upon awakening that dissipates pretty quickly.  There is less anxiety in the late morning.  Early morning is a rush on school days.  There are moments of throughout the day,, moments of sadness, moments of fear.  It's not "being back to the way I was before meds," but it's not a feeling of distress every moment either.  It's a break, but not enough of one to make up for lost time in housework.  More about that below.

 

So, overall this is a window that's been going for 2 1/2 days.  The nights aren't very good.  I don't want to go to bed because I have anxious dreams, and I wake up in the dark with scary thoughts.  It's like going to a stressful, but pretty stupid, horror movie every night. Not terrifying, but not pleasant.  A B horror movie.

 

The dystonia is very slight.  It's intensity fluctuates during the day, and it's exacerbated by reading and writing on this iPad, but it's much, much less intense.  That gives me a lot of hope that it will someday disappear altogether!

 

My digestive system is still not working. It seems that it's moving very, very slowly.  I think that what I eat is processed over a period of 4-5 days instead of 24 hours.  This can't be good for most people, but it's a change, and in WD change is good.  There must be some healing going on in the gut.

 

My most troubling thoughts are pretty ordinary even if the thought processes behind those thoughts -- the reasons I have those thoughts -- are not ordinary. "I'm not doing any of the things I feel I should be doing: laundry, cleaning, cooking, organizing, keeping house."  This thought troubles me constantly.  It's true, too.  I'm afraid to do those things, and I'm afraid not to, but I do have moments of thinking about doing those things, and while I'm thinking about them I'm not feeling anxious.  This is relatively new, and this is a big deal for me.  It didn't happen in many bugs earlier Windows. I can imagine myself keeping house without setting off an emotional spiral.  I can make plans to do those things without feeling anxious.  I even brought sheets down the stairs today.  When the time comes to put the sheets in the laundry I'm afraid to go into the laundry room.  This is because I would see all the stuff that has accumulated in the garage. At least I think that's the fear.  It's not very rational.  I keep hoping that as my brain heals more I will get to the point that I will have low enough anxiety and high enough cog function to start pushing past those sorts of feelings.

 

This is all so different from when I didn't do laundry because I was depressed.  I remember the house I lived in when I started meds.  Then, before meds, I didn't care.  Then, when things got critical, I hauled myself up and forced myself to do the minimum.  I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did that.  There was a sort of natural rhythm -- 1. apathy, 2. procrastinate, 3. let things get to the brink of being a problem, 4. do what has to be done, 5. feel good and relaxed, 6. then start over with apathy -- not caring.  Now, the function of my brain is very, very different.  It's really all about fear (except that the reward emotion is lacking, too, and that complicates things, I believe.). Instead of a fear of what might happen if I don't do the minimum it's a fear of what will happen inside my head if I see the mess that has been created by my WD state over the past 6 1/2 years.  I suppose I'm blaming myself for the mess I've made.  And as long as I have no hope of fixing that mess without risking a severe psychological pain -- a wave -- I face an intense inner conflict when I have to see the mess to get the the laundry machine? Am I punishing myself for my failure to keep the house for the last 6 years?  Am I protecting myself from facing the physical results of being in WD?  Is my OCD caused by the meds and by WD, too, a factor in this pain/fear/pain dance?  I am certain that my poor cog function -- inability to sort, organize, prioritize -- is a big factor.  I do not like to be reminded that my brain can't do those things well.

 

I might be starting to get back the reward emotion?  I enjoy food now sometimes, but not always in a window!! It's odd.  Some emotions are only accessible during a wave.  I used to think that only bad emotions came during a wave, but now, I am starting to think that my reward emotion is dulled during a window!  Is that possible? 

 

I took effect a huge chance and went to see a movie on Sunday.  Inwas in a window as far as anxiety and pain/dystonia were concerned, but I didn't feel much during the Star Wars movie. (It didn't overstimulate me either, and that was very, very surprising.). It was all explosions and tension and death. I felt very few emotions.  Maybe that's why it didn't overstimulated me.  I felt some emotions, but it was easy to think, "this isn't real; no one died."  Maybe it wasn't a very good movie?  It was quite thin with regard to plot.  

 

As far as reward is concerned, maybe I will start to feel some sense of satisfaction from doing housework, but I'm not sure when.  I do imagine myself feeling a sense of satisfaction.  That's a good sign, I hope.  I do think, "I can put these sheets in the washer," and then instead of immediately feeling fear my mind jumps to the reward -- clean sheets!  That's a change in the brain function. Maybe, if I can hang on to this reward emotion during a window, I can use this carrot of imagining the reward to counteract the fear response that is there with regard to my disasterous house even throughout a window.  It's difficult because these new emotions disappear in a wave and the laundry never does; the disorganization never does; it's always leaning toward chaos.  The housework just accumulates while the wave is here and while I have no reward emotion. The fear reigns supreme, of course. Then, when I "come out" the task is so enormous and overwhelming I can't even begin.  I feel depression at the thought of even trying. Catch 22.

 

Slight dystonia

Poor digestion

Constipation

Poor sleep -- waking up too much and having to really try hard to push the scary thoughts away

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
16 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

it sounds like you are perfect for this website, and are doing the right things. 

 

Hi, D.  IceBat is, not me.  I'm hoping to save her recommendations here so that I can find them again when I can implement them.  I hope you are doing better, Downbutnotout. -- Rosetta

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley

Just a thought about the constipation: I don't know if you're taking magnesium, which of course is one of SA's recommended supplements, but it has a laxative effect.  You'd have to calculate just how much to take but you could end up getting a double benefit from it.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
8 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Just a thought about the constipation: I don't know if you're taking magnesium, which of course is one of SA's recommended supplements, but it has a laxative effect.  You'd have to calculate just how much to take but you could end up getting a double benefit from it.

 

Yes, I know!  Double benefit, indeed.  TMI, but it no longer causes diarrhea every time.  Only during a window!  Uh  . . . Who hoo!  Or Uh oh! Not sure which at this point.  Lol

Share this post


Link to post
samanthaelizabeth

Rosetta, your are so brave!  I hope I can follow your lead and eventually getting of of zoloft without destroying my life!

 

Hugs-Sam

Share this post


Link to post
samanthaelizabeth

Do you still take Unisom for sleep?

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
3 minutes ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

Do you still take Unisom for sleep?

 

No. I have been tempted occasionally, but I'm always afraid it will cause a reaction.  I haven't taken it for at least a month and a half.  When I did take it, I woke up groggy with no cortisol awakening.  That was a nice relief from daily cortisol mornings when I woke up with a pounding heart and in sheer terror.  I tried to avoid taking it more than once every three nights.  I was feeling very, very bad during that time, and I have no way of knowing if Uisom contributed to the issues.  When I started sleeping almost every night I quit using it.  

 

I'm not brave at all.  I had to make it through for my little girl.  I had no choice.  However, having come through that horrible time, I am very glad I did not just for her but for me, too.  As of today, I'm looking forward to life!

Share this post


Link to post
samanthaelizabeth
1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

 

No. I have been tempted occasionally, but I'm always afraid it will cause a reaction.  I haven't taken it for at least a month and a half.  When I did take it, I woke up groggy with no cortisol awakening.  That was a nice relief from daily cortisol mornings when I woke up with a pounding heart and in sheer terror.  I tried to avoid taking it more than once every three nights.  I was feeling very, very bad during that time, and I have no way of knowing if Uisom contributed to the issues.  When I started sleeping almost every night I quit using it.  

 

I'm not brave at all.  I had to make it through for my little girl.  I had no choice.  However, having come through that horrible time, I am very glad I did not just for her but for me, too.  As of today, I'm looking forward to life!

You are brave.  Your really seem like you are doing well.  I'm still trying to get everything set up for my taper.  I have to speak with my husband about it, he does not understand AD's at all, in fact it makes him angry.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Longestroadhome

It sounds like a positive update R. I sat through Star Wars and found that it didn’t hold my attention and my obsessive thoughts were running rampant. Some would call this blasphemy!!

Share this post


Link to post
RealMe
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:


No. I have been tempted occasionally, but I'm always afraid it will cause a reaction.  I haven't taken it for at least a month and a half.  When I did take it, I woke up groggy with no cortisol awakening

.  

.  That was a nice relief from daily cortisol mornings when I woke up with a pounding heart and in sheer terror.  I tried to avoid taking it more than once every three nights.  I was feeling very, very bad during that time, and I have no way of knowing if Uisom contributed to the issues.  When I started sleeping almost every night I quit using it

I'm not brave at all.  I had to make it through for my little girl.  I had no choice.  However, having come through that horrible time, I am very glad I did not just for her but for me, too.  As of today, I'm looking forward to life!

Hi Rosetta,

I'm afraid of taking anything, including meds, food, drink or supplements.  Glad your sleeping has improved!  

I think you are a brave and loving mom.  Lovely thought:  "looking forward to life!"  So glad for you!

xo RM

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

I've gone into a wave as of the middle of last night.  I had a cortisol morning wake up and after I dropped my child off at school, I was anxious and crying this morning.  Last night my digestive problems resolved - temporarily (if you know what I mean.). The dystonia is back today in my neck.  So frustrating.  I'm developing a headache. The right side of my face, my throat and my tongue are numb and tingling.  I have tingling in my right eye.  My right forearm and my temple ache.  I have sensations in my right leg, foot and toes and my hip.

 

Another member's post reminded me today of all the symptoms I have had and how much better I feel than I used to.  I am so glad to be past some of the symptoms and to be experiencing much less intense versions of others.

 

The feeling of emotions being out of control --as if I was a child -- was very, very unsettling.  I worried that I would be that way forever. I'm no longer feeling that symptom.  I had almost forgotten it.  I felt like I was a 4 or 5 year old child.  I didn't have the good feelings of a child; only the feelings of fear, intense grief; and anxiety.  I don't remember what it was like to be a frightened child, but if I ever felt that frightened I'm surprised I don't remember it.  Perhaps there is a protective amnesia that occurs.  I don't have this feeling any longer, but I do still have some very anxious periods when I cry.  Today is one of those times.

 

My cognitive functioning has returned and doesn't become nearly as impaired during my current waves.  I used to have a lot of trouble finding words. (Many members reports this symptom.). Now, I'm reminded that that rarely happens these days.  

 

Anger/shame/regret -- I still have these, but they are less intense.  I try to push them away.  There will be plenty of time for that sort of introspection when I am healed.  

 

Trauma/obsessive thoughts about the way people have treated me -- much less frequent and less intense.  Again, I push them away.  

 

Discouragement -- fear that I won't recover -- this comes back again and again, but I do believe I will recover.  

 

Clumsiness -- always in a wave, not entirely gone in a window.  

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
44 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I've gone into a wave as of the middle of last night.  I had a cortisol morning wake up and after I dropped my child off at school, I was anxious and crying this morning.  Last night my digestive problems resolved - temporarily (if you know what I mean.). The dystonia is back today in my neck.  So frustrating.  I'm developing a headache. The right side of my face, my throat and my tongue are numb and tingling.  I have tingling in my right eye.  My right forearm and my temple ache.  I have sensations in my right leg, foot and toes and my hip.

 

Another member's post reminded me today of all the symptoms I have had and how much better I feel than I used to.  I am so glad to be past some of the symptoms and to be experiencing much less intense versions of others.

 

The feeling of emotions being out of control --as if I was a child -- was very, very unsettling.  I worried that I would be that way forever. I'm no longer feeling that symptom.  I had almost forgotten it.  I felt like I was a 4 or 5 year old child.  I didn't have the good feelings of a child; only the feelings of fear, intense grief; and anxiety.  I don't remember what it was like to be a frightened child, but if I ever felt that frightened I'm surprised I don't remember it.  Perhaps there is a protective amnesia that occurs.  I don't have this feeling any longer, but I do still have some very anxious periods when I cry.  Today is one of those times.

 

My cognitive functioning has returned and doesn't become nearly as impaired during my current waves.  I used to have a lot of trouble finding words. (Many members reports this symptom.). Now, I'm reminded that that rarely happens these days.  

 

Anger/shame/regret -- I still have these, but they are less intense.  I try to push them away.  There will be plenty of time for that sort of introspection when I am healed.  

 

Trauma/obsessive thoughts about the way people have treated me -- much less frequent and less intense.  Again, I push them away.  

 

Discouragement -- fear that I won't recover -- this comes back again and again, but I do believe I will recover.  

 

Clumsiness -- always in a wave, not entirely gone in a window.  

 

 

 

Sorry you are back in a wave, I so enjoyed reading your "normal days" updates. Good to note your improvements, even in bad times. I am trying to do the same!

Share this post


Link to post
Downbutnotout
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I've gone into a wave as of the middle of last night.  I had a cortisol morning wake up and after I dropped my child off at school, I was anxious and crying this morning.  Last night my digestive problems resolved - temporarily (if you know what I mean.). The dystonia is back today in my neck.  So frustrating.  I'm developing a headache. The right side of my face, my throat and my tongue are numb and tingling.  I have tingling in my right eye.  My right forearm and my temple ache.  I have sensations in my right leg, foot and toes and my hip.

 

Another member's post reminded me today of all the symptoms I have had and how much better I feel than I used to.  I am so glad to be past some of the symptoms and to be experiencing much less intense versions of others.

 

The feeling of emotions being out of control --as if I was a child -- was very, very unsettling.  I worried that I would be that way forever. I'm no longer feeling that symptom.  I had almost forgotten it.  I felt like I was a 4 or 5 year old child.  I didn't have the good feelings of a child; only the feelings of fear, intense grief; and anxiety.  I don't remember what it was like to be a frightened child, but if I ever felt that frightened I'm surprised I don't remember it.  Perhaps there is a protective amnesia that occurs.  I don't have this feeling any longer, but I do still have some very anxious periods when I cry.  Today is one of those times.

 

My cognitive functioning has returned and doesn't become nearly as impaired during my current waves.  I used to have a lot of trouble finding words. (Many members reports this symptom.). Now, I'm reminded that that rarely happens these days.  

 

Anger/shame/regret -- I still have these, but they are less intense.  I try to push them away.  There will be plenty of time for that sort of introspection when I am healed.  

 

Trauma/obsessive thoughts about the way people have treated me -- much less frequent and less intense.  Again, I push them away.  

 

Discouragement -- fear that I won't recover -- this comes back again and again, but I do believe I will recover.  

 

Clumsiness -- always in a wave, not entirely gone in a window.  

 

 

It sounds like you’re following the wave and windows sequence. At least you get a break from it. I’m glad you have hope. That’s really important. Good for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
samanthaelizabeth

Hi Rosetta, I hope you are having a good day.  I am using a tens unit on my shoulders/back right now and thought about you.  Have you tried one of these for your dystonia?  It helps me with spasms.  I hope its okay that I post this since I'm not a Mod...

 

https://dystoniaandme.com/tag/tens-machine/

 

Sam

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
10 hours ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

Hi Rosetta, I hope you are having a good day.  I am using a tens unit on my shoulders/back right now and thought about you.  Have you tried one of these for your dystonia?  It helps me with spasms.  I hope its okay that I post this since I'm not a Mod...

 

https://dystoniaandme.com/tag/tens-machine/

 

Sam

I've thought about that.  Thanks for the link!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Well, today was odd.  I had anxiety in the night again and didn't sleep well.  Mother Nature came 5 days early.  This morning I didn't have a cortisol awakening.  Instead, I had a stressful situation at the school.  

 

Skip this if it doesn't interest you, but this is the stressful situation:

(It's a long story, but a private fundraising company was hired by the public school.  All week my daughter felt pressure to solicit our friends and our family for donations to her school.  It was relentless.  Last Friday she got a crown to wear home with all the info on it about putting her name on the private company's website, how to use Facebook to advertise to everyone, how to make a video of herself and how to solicit our friends.  

 

She's 6!  We don't put pictures and videos of her on the Internet.  We don't give private companies her name, her school's name, and her location.  We don't have many friends, and we are happy to donate money directly to the school, but we resent our child being pressured to raise money when 35% of it will go to a private company.  This week, every single day, she was reminded to get pledges for the "FunRun."  She was reminded that she would be letting her class down if they didn't win a prize for the most donations and that she wouldn't have music or art if they didn't raise enough money.  They handed out stupid little plastic toys to kids during the week if they got a certain number of pledges on the website by that date.  My daughter was sad she wouldn't get one.  I told her I would give her a prize for the laps she ran, of course.  Then, they put a different sticker on her hand before school let out every day Mon, Tues and Wed!  We became more and more furious as the week went on, and today was the "FunRun."  

 

This morning, she didn't want to go to school, she didn't want to run, she didn't even want to put on the FunRun t-shirt when we got to the school because we, her parents, didn't give a private company her photo, her name, and her location every weekday!!!  So that the private company could take 35% of the donations!!?!!  I don't think so.  And all of this is during school hours -- she had no math or reading instruction today.)

 

Conclusion:

I made it through the morning, and so did my daughter.  She wore the t-shirt, she ran in the FunRun, she was happy and got over her embarrassment.  Of course, I told her again that I would give her a prize for the laps she ran.  But when I got home at 10:15, I was horribly anxious.  There was a lot of adrenaline I had produced.  The whole thing reminded me of the way the pharmaceutical companies used me.  Now, the school pressures my child with shame in order to get to me so that a private company can take 35% of the donations?!!  I have to deal with my kid feeling so ashamed she doesn't want to go to school?!  My husband was very, very angry about the whole issue, and I feel very stressed if he's not relaxed and happy.  So, I cried hard all morning.  He was so depressed by my condition that he went back to bed.  He's so tired.  Sometimes it seems that WD is contagious to our caregivers.

 

Increased dystonia -- headache increasing through the day (instead of on awakening)

Insomnia -  anxious thoughts in the night

Anxiety

Crying

Sadness

Frustration

Depression

Constipation

Lack of appetite

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine

Hey Rosetta, I am absolutely outraged and shocked that your daughters school would allow this to happen. I am fairly certain that you and your husband are not the only parents to be angered by this fiasco. What ever happened to the good old bake sale fundraiser?!?  I think the whole world has gone mad sometimes.  Time to move away from capitalism thinking and not force this way of thinking on our children. I am so sorry your family has been subjected to such immoral behaviour by your daughters school.  This is the last thing you need at the moment. I hope you, your husband and your beautiful daughter can find some peace. Thinking of you as always my friend. Love K xo

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thank you, Kristine.  Sometimes it seems everyone's insane in the U. S.

 

Journal:

Today was mostly a window.  Not much dystonia/ muscle tension at all in my neck.  

Early in the morning I woke up with anxiety.  Anxiety is causing depression it seems.  I have both at the same time.  The anxiety eased and then increased again.  I cancelled plans to go to a park at 11 to wait for tummy issues to ease.  I had magnesium and extra coffee, and everything worked out with no cramps thank goodness.

 

Once the morning anxiety wore off, I played trains with my daughter.  I wish I could say it was fun, but at least I was able to do it.  We built a roller coaster fun park.  I had some anxiety in the mid afternoon that made me sad.  Maybe because of the extra coffee?  Then, we went to a park, and I walked a bit and visited with a friend whose daughter is a friend of my daughter's.  We talked about the Florida school shooting.  That made me anxious a bit, but I was ok to drive home and -- this is very unusual -- I was able to go to the grocery store.  That's very hard for me usually.  My poor cog function makes it very hard to shop for groceries.  I had no problem today, but I did have a list from my husband.  I still forgot the butter!

 

The last few days I've had periods of being very cold and times when I was extremely hungry.  These are recurring symptoms that I've had at other times recently.  They aren't troubling, but are simply odd.  There are a lot of changes going on, for sure, with my digestion, temp regulation, and appetite.  I hope rapid cycling is good news!

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley

What your school is doing is horrible.

 

I'm glad you were able to get to the grocery and out and about with your daughter and to play trains.  As they say, fake it until you make it.

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you, Kristine.  Sometimes it seems everyone's insane in the U. S.

 

Journal:

Today was mostly a window.  Not much dystonia/ muscle tension at all in my neck.  

Early in the morning I woke up with anxiety.  Anxiety is causing depression it seems.  I have both at the same time.  The anxiety eased and then increased again.  I cancelled plans to go to a park at 11 to wait for tummy issues to ease.  I had magnesium and extra coffee, and everything worked out with no cramps thank goodness.

 

Once the morning anxiety wore off, I played trains with my daughter.  I wish I could say it was fun, but at least I was able to do it.  We built a roller coaster fun park.  I had some anxiety in the mid afternoon that made me sad.  Maybe because of the extra coffee?  Then, we went to a park, and I walked a bit and visited with a friend whose daughter is a friend of my daughter's.  We talked about the Florida school shooting.  That made me anxious a bit, but I was ok to drive home and -- this is very unusual -- I was able to go to the grocery store.  That's very hard for me usually.  My poor cog function makes it very hard to shop for groceries.  I had no problem today, but I did have a list from my husband.  I still forgot the butter!

 

The last few days I've had periods of being very cold and times when I was extremely hungry.  These are recurring symptoms that I've had at other times recently.  They aren't troubling, but are simply odd.  There are a lot of changes going on, for sure, with my digestion, temp regulation, and appetite.  I hope rapid cycling is good news!

 

So glad your windows are coming much more frequently and seem to last a little longer. You are healing, no question and totally off drugs. You should be feeling very good about yourself and excited for your future. The anxiety and depression will lift, I saw you say you want to clean up your diet, that can only help your recovery. You are doing so well, congrats!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thank you, Dave.  You are stabilizing!  I'm so glad.

 

Journal:

I slept better last night, but I had

a lot of muscle tension in my neck and temple in the night.

No cortisol awakening.

Too anxious this morning to get ready to go the beach.

Made lunch for everyone.

Went for a walk in the park.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Today is pretty bad.  The anxiety from yesterday has intensified.  I woke up anxious and have been crying.  

 

The dystonia is back.  

 

There is a hormonal component. I think that is what is causing me to have these rapid fluctuations from wave to window to wave.  I'm very tired and somewhat scared.  Still, this all so much better than November!! I do have to be thankful of that.

 

I hope tomorrow will be better.  We are gong to celebrate my husband's birthday tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Downbutnotout
6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today is pretty bad.  The anxiety from yesterday has intensified.  I woke up anxious and have been crying.  

 

The dystonia is back.  

 

There is a hormonal component. I think that is what is causing me to have these rapid fluctuations from wave to window to wave.  I'm very tired and somewhat scared.  Still, this all so much better than November!! I do have to be thankful of that.

 

I hope tomorrow will be better.  We are gong to celebrate my husband's birthday tomorrow.

Sorry you had a bad day. I’m sure tomorrow will be better for you. You’re doing well. 

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine

Thinking of you Rosetta. I'm praying this increase in anxiety gives you some peace soon. K xo 

Share this post


Link to post
wantrelief
9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today is pretty bad.  The anxiety from yesterday has intensified.  I woke up anxious and have been crying.  

 

The dystonia is back.  

 

There is a hormonal component. I think that is what is causing me to have these rapid fluctuations from wave to window to wave.  I'm very tired and somewhat scared.  Still, this all so much better than November!! I do have to be thankful of that.

 

I hope tomorrow will be better.  We are gong to celebrate my husband's birthday tomorrow.

Hi Rosetta,

 

I have been following your journey and wanted to wish you well.  I am sorry you are experiencing an increase in anxiety.  I completely understand feeling scared.....hold on to that thought of how much better you feel than you did in November, how much progress you have made.  

 

I hope you feel better tomorrow and are able to celebrate your husband's birthday.

Share this post


Link to post
FarmGirlWorks

Hey Rosetta,

 

Your post resonated here... sometimes it seems like our WD journeys converge. I too got my period (I think that is what you're saying) a few days early; with perimenopause the hormones are so wacked. The week before when I start to get PMS which for me is crankiness, depression (I'd much rather have the physical symptoms like tender breasts or tummy) was a little bit better than last month. But I was triggered too by a cannabis convention I went to Thurs-Sat and was overstimulated and overwhelmed by all the information. I started to get anxious. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night and woke up at 5a and just lay in bed ruminating. Now I am depressed and slightly anxious.

 

Two steps forward, one (big) step back.

 

I understand how that horrible situation at your daughter's school triggered you. We are not totally resilient yet... and that is a situation that with a healthy nervous system would drive anyone to anger. Between perimenopause and WD, I can't say what is happening inside... obviously both are swirling around in there.  I hope you feel better soon. I hope we all do.

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB
22 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today is pretty bad.  The anxiety from yesterday has intensified.  I woke up anxious and have been crying.  

 

The dystonia is back.  

 

There is a hormonal component. I think that is what is causing me to have these rapid fluctuations from wave to window to wave.  I'm very tired and somewhat scared.  Still, this all so much better than November!! I do have to be thankful of that.

 

I hope tomorrow will be better.  We are gong to celebrate my husband's birthday tomorrow.

 

Hope you are doing better today. Yesterday was just a small speed bump on your highway to recovery!

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine

Hey Lovely Rosetta, Just dropping by to let you know I'm thinking of you.  Anxiety be gone! I do hope so...biggest of hugs and love. K xo:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley

Thanks, Rosetta!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Hello.

 

Thank you all for the support!  I saw your messages on Sunday @Gridley @FarmGirlWorks @DaveB @wantrelief @Downbutnotout @Kristine They were important to helping me get through the weekend.  You are so kind and thoughtful.  Thank you all.

 

This is a story only someone in AD WD would understand:

 

The wave continued through the weekend.  Sunday turned out to be tolerable after a lot of crying and the hormones released thereby.  I had a play date scheduled for my daughter, and I didn't want to cancel it for both of our sakes.  I managed to get enough relief from the anxiety to go.  

 

The play date was more than I expected -- 4 other kids were invited and one mother stayed to chat besides me.  So, I was very overstimulated by the time we left.  It's too much for me to talk to more than one person at a time.  Sometimes just talking to one other person is too much.  I never know what I can handle.  With the kids in the background, well . . . you all understand.  It took its toll.

 

Then my husband had wanted to go to his mother's house to stay the night that night.  I decided to do that so that I would have help in the morning entertaining my daughter as there was no school on Monday.  I was caught between a rock and a hard place.  I can't leave the house early (because of morning anxiety).  So, being there the night before seemed to be a harm reduction approach to getting through a 4 day weekend.  It wasn't to be.  There was a storm Sunday night that kept me awake and anxious (sleeping in a different bed) most of the night.  It was a strong wind storm, and I spent the night dreaming of danger all around me.  I kept waking up afraid and then realizing where I was.  There was nothing real to fear but WD anxiety.

 

This would be funny if not so horrible when in WD: the next day my MIL let my daughter have birthday cake for breakfast before we went out for pancakes.  I would have been the bad guy, as usual, if I said no.  The amount of sugar that my MIL feeds my child is really getting to me.  She never did that with her own kids.  Then, breakfast out was so important to my husband for some reason, but I expected that he would not order pancakes for my daughter.  He ordered pancakes for my daughter.  Again, I had to be the bad guy.  So, I didn't speak up.  I am so tired of being put in this position when we are with my MIL.  If I'm in a wave, I can't risk losing my temper.  If I open my mouth, years of frustration will spill out in the middle of a restaurant?  No, better to stay quiet.  My husband agrees with me on the sugar issue but can't keep control when the situation arises.  

 

After the pancakes and syrup, my daughter got a little crazy back at the house, and my husband was going to take her to the park.  My MIL and I had agreed earlier that it was too windy and cold for the park, but suddenly they were going.  Apparently, my daughter had asked to go outside my presence, but I didn't know this.  Normally, that would be fine, but when my daughter realized I wasn't going she began clinging to me and pouting.  That broke the camel's back.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt and fear.  The world outside was windy and loud, and I was hanging onto sanity by a thread just having endured the last 18 hours.  So, I informed everyone that my daughter didn't want to go which was what I believed based on her reaction.  This caused a negative reaction by my MIL.  I realized that I had to leave.  I left and had a classic spiral and meltdown.  

 

This issue of "my dysfunction" derailing a plan (that was devised by him and his mother and never discussed with me) has been a problem ever since 2015.  That was when when my WD from Celexa and the constant increases of Zoloft resulted in severe anxiety that prevented me from going places.  He says that I don't respond to attempts to discuss plans with them.  Perhaps that's been true in the past.  I don't hear them ask me anything.  They are usually speaking in another language I don't understand.  I tune them out, and I don't recognize when they switch to English and include me.  Now, they simply don't ask me my opinion if my husband knows I'm unable to participate.  It takes me by surprise that they are leaving.  I feel very irritated and disrespected when this happens.  The stress of having my daughter cling to me when she realizes I'm not going is very upsetting.

 

I needed my husband to help me through the anxiety, but he didn't understand that.  He thought I was going to yell at him like I used to before I understood WD.  So, he took that stance of defense, and I felt hurt and alone.  I forgot to ask him for help.  We ended up having a discussion about my frustration of the events on Monday -- the cake for breakfast, then pancakes, then all the rest.  It only made things worse.  

 

He's very tired and overwhelmed with the length of this debacle.  He's angry, of course.  It's been years and years since I have been his "partner."  He feels the stress of having been my caretaker since 2012 when the switch from Celexa to Zoloft really hit me, but neither of us knew what was happening.  He gets angry with me if I say that I need things to be different.  He doesn't believe that there is any correlation between my activity and my intense symptoms.  He thinks it's entirely random, and he thinks he needs to keep life "normal" for my daughter.  I try to tell him that it can't be "normal" and that by trying to force it to be "normal" there is a secondary dysfunctional pattern developing.  She's being catered to in a way that is not only harmful to her but the stress of it all is delaying my recovery and intensifying my symptoms.  He doesn't agree.  So, on Sunday, instead of him helping me stay calm and avoiding a spiral and feeling safe we had a heated discussion that left us both feeling hopeless.

 

I have no choice but to soldier on, but I do sometimes wish there was an end and I just barely care what kind of an end it is -- for a moment.  Then, I think of my beautiful child and the hope I have that this condition will resolve.  At that point I feel intense sadness.  I'm deeply depressed for days over these arguments with my husband.  I can't expect him to be a saint.  I woke up with less dystonia today which should mean this is a window, but I'm depressed at the situation.  My husband is depressed.  I feel very bad today, and I'm trying to shake it off.  I hate to wish my life away, but I wish it were 2019.  In another year I should be a lot better.  Today, it seems like a lifetime.

Share this post


Link to post
DaveB

I am sorry Rosetta, try to remember how far you have come. Today has been more of a struggle for me too, not sure why. Makes it so hard to see progress, even makes you doubt it entirely when you are back to struggling. Unfortunately this is the way our bodies heal from this it seems, add on life stresses (your marriage fight, my business struggling) and it only makes matters worse!

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Thank you, Dave.  I hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

Overall, today was ok.  I didn't have to do much.  I took my daughter to school, brought her home and her father took her to her music and to the gym childcare.  Now to put her to bed.  Whew.  A day to reset, rest, and recharge.

 

Some dystonia -- neck, jaw, eye, cheek, very slight in leg/foot

Digestion issues seems to have resolved over the past couple of days.  Maybe Kombucha helped?

Depression

Anxiety was not insignificant, but not too bad.

No cortisol awakening 

 

Put one load of laundry in machine

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Downbutnotout
16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hello.

 

Thank you all for the support!  I saw your messages on Sunday @Gridley @FarmGirlWorks @DaveB @wantrelief @Downbutnotout @Kristine They were important to helping me get through the weekend.  You are so kind and thoughtful.  Thank you all.

 

This is a story only someone in AD WD would understand:

 

The wave continued through the weekend.  Sunday turned out to be tolerable after a lot of crying and the hormones released thereby.  I had a play date scheduled for my daughter, and I didn't want to cancel it for both of our sakes.  I managed to get enough relief from the anxiety to go.  

 

The play date was more than I expected -- 4 other kids were invited and one mother stayed to chat besides me.  So, I was very overstimulated by the time we left.  It's too much for me to talk to more than one person at a time.  Sometimes just talking to one other person is too much.  I never know what I can handle.  With the kids in the background, well . . . you all understand.  It took its toll.

 

Then my husband had wanted to go to his mother's house to stay the night that night.  I decided to do that so that I would have help in the morning entertaining my daughter as there was no school on Monday.  I was caught between a rock and a hard place.  I can't leave the house early (because of morning anxiety).  So, being there the night before seemed to be a harm reduction approach to getting through a 4 day weekend.  It wasn't to be.  There was a storm Sunday night that kept me awake and anxious (sleeping in a different bed) most of the night.  It was a strong wind storm, and I spent the night dreaming of danger all around me.  I kept waking up afraid and then realizing where I was.  There was nothing real to fear but WD anxiety.

 

This would be funny if not so horrible when in WD: the next day my MIL let my daughter have birthday cake for breakfast before we went out for pancakes.  I would have been the bad guy, as usual, if I said no.  The amount of sugar that my MIL feeds my child is really getting to me.  She never did that with her own kids.  Then, breakfast out was so important to my husband for some reason, but I expected that he would not order pancakes for my daughter.  He ordered pancakes for my daughter.  Again, I had to be the bad guy.  So, I didn't speak up.  I am so tired of being put in this position when we are with my MIL.  If I'm in a wave, I can't risk losing my temper.  If I open my mouth, years of frustration will spill out in the middle of a restaurant?  No, better to stay quiet.  My husband agrees with me on the sugar issue but can't keep control when the situation arises.  

 

After the pancakes and syrup, my daughter got a little crazy back at the house, and my husband was going to take her to the park.  My MIL and I had agreed earlier that it was too windy and cold for the park, but suddenly they were going.  Apparently, my daughter had asked to go outside my presence, but I didn't know this.  Normally, that would be fine, but when my daughter realized I wasn't going she began clinging to me and pouting.  That broke the camel's back.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt and fear.  The world outside was windy and loud, and I was hanging onto sanity by a thread just having endured the last 18 hours.  So, I informed everyone that my daughter didn't want to go which was what I believed based on her reaction.  This caused a negative reaction by my MIL.  I realized that I had to leave.  I left and had a classic spiral and meltdown.  

 

This issue of "my dysfunction" derailing a plan (that was devised by him and his mother and never discussed with me) has been a problem ever since 2015.  That was when when my WD from Celexa and the constant increases of Zoloft resulted in severe anxiety that prevented me from going places.  He says that I don't respond to attempts to discuss plans with them.  Perhaps that's been true in the past.  I don't hear them ask me anything.  They are usually speaking in another language I don't understand.  I tune them out, and I don't recognize when they switch to English and include me.  Now, they simply don't ask me my opinion if my husband knows I'm unable to participate.  It takes me by surprise that they are leaving.  I feel very irritated and disrespected when this happens.  The stress of having my daughter cling to me when she realizes I'm not going is very upsetting.

 

I needed my husband to help me through the anxiety, but he didn't understand that.  He thought I was going to yell at him like I used to before I understood WD.  So, he took that stance of defense, and I felt hurt and alone.  I forgot to ask him for help.  We ended up having a discussion about my frustration of the events on Monday -- the cake for breakfast, then pancakes, then all the rest.  It only made things worse.  

 

He's very tired and overwhelmed with the length of this debacle.  He's angry, of course.  It's been years and years since I have been his "partner."  He feels the stress of having been my caretaker since 2012 when the switch from Celexa to Zoloft really hit me, but neither of us knew what was happening.  He gets angry with me if I say that I need things to be different.  He doesn't believe that there is any correlation between my activity and my intense symptoms.  He thinks it's entirely random, and he thinks he needs to keep life "normal" for my daughter.  I try to tell him that it can't be "normal" and that by trying to force it to be "normal" there is a secondary dysfunctional pattern developing.  She's being catered to in a way that is not only harmful to her but the stress of it all is delaying my recovery and intensifying my symptoms.  He doesn't agree.  So, on Sunday, instead of him helping me stay calm and avoiding a spiral and feeling safe we had a heated discussion that left us both feeling hopeless.

 

I have no choice but to soldier on, but I do sometimes wish there was an end and I just barely care what kind of an end it is -- for a moment.  Then, I think of my beautiful child and the hope I have that this condition will resolve.  At that point I feel intense sadness.  I'm deeply depressed for days over these arguments with my husband.  I can't expect him to be a saint.  I woke up with less dystonia today which should mean this is a window, but I'm depressed at the situation.  My husband is depressed.  I feel very bad today, and I'm trying to shake it off.  I hate to wish my life away, but I wish it were 2019.  In another year I should be a lot better.  Today, it seems like a lifetime.

That all sounds very stressful. It is very difficult on our partners. At least he is staying by your side. It’s hard to deal with mil’s. You sound pretty strong to deal with all this. 

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta
1 hour ago, Downbutnotout said:

That all sounds very stressful. It is very difficult on our partners. At least he is staying by your side. It’s hard to deal with mil’s. You sound pretty strong to deal with all this. 

 

Thank you, D, for the words of encouragement.  

 

I am lucky to have him, and my MIL isn't a bad one.  She's better than most.  She's nice to me, and none of the slights are intentional.  I'm sure that my troubles are very confusing to her.  She's happy that I don't mind if my husband visits her without me and that I don't mind that she's close with my daughter.  Her other daughter-in-law is very jealous and possessive of the other son.  The contact with him and his kids is very restricted.  I can't really understand why it's that way, but it makes me look like a sane person in comparison.  So, she likes me, and she's grateful I'm not jealous.  I wish she could spend more time with my daughter if she could avoid giving out sugar!

 

This illness makes everything harder, and she doesn't know what's wrong with me -- not that she would understand if it were explained to her.  She's seen my physical condition deteriorate.  I suppose she'll be surprised when I get well.  

 

I hope you you are doing ok, D.  I'm glad you have your husband, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Rosetta

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy