Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

It’s been a hard day.  Emotionally.  Physically less difficult.  I notice that it’s often either or.

[Sheera]

@Rosetta I haven’t been on much but noticed you were back. I also noticed you are healing—slowly but surely. We are getting closer. You should be so proud of yourself in this journey. Look at all the things you’ve done—for yourself, your family, and so many visitors on this site. Slowly but surely your mind will be what it used to be. Physical ailments I can handle, my mind helps me deal with those. I need my mind 100% and you do too and it will happen!!  I’ve seen SO MUCH improvement in the last 6 weeks. Of course I’m waiting for the next wave to hit but I know I will get through it. I always have even though it’s been challenging. You are a warrior, Rosetta. Slow and steady—oh so slow. Hugs to you my friend. 
 

❤️❤️

[Giulietta]

Hello Rosetta,

 

What good news to learn of your improvements over the past few months. The light at the end of the tunnel is not that of an oncoming train!

 

I hope you are adjusting to the routines here and don't miss t he classes and trips so much. Maybe you can take a  class here.

 

I am very sorry about your kitty. I know you must miss her terribly. Maybe you can give another kitty a loving home. I have a sweet little dog - he is 14. He can be a nuisance - but I couldn't imagine not having him. Sending positive thoughts to you and your kitty.

 

You are quite a good writer as @Icip said - I've mentioned long ago too - and so perceptive about this rotten situation. Research should have been happening for the past 30 years into this. 

 

Glad you are back and doing well.

 

Giulietta 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m so very happy that you’re seeing some improvements, that’s wonderful news. 
 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

@Sheera @Guilietta  @Carmie  Thanks for your posts.  It’s nice to see the messages.

 

This month I will post a “three years off the drugs” update!!!!  Here’s a preview.  In just a week it will be 3 years since I finished a “taper” (what I THought was a taper!).  It was a CT, of course.  I tried to properly taper 150 mg of Zoloft from December of 2015 through February of 2016.  (Oh, how wrong I was about tapering this trash.)  I also quit occasional use of Xanax (as needed) all of which resulted in a prescription for Trazodone that I took for several weeks before my husband discovered it was an antidepressant.  I quit Trazodone CT, too.

 

At the moment, I’m still feeling down a fair amount, but I am not prevented from doing what I need to do day to day very often.  That’s amazing.   I don’t post much  because I don’t feel that I have much that is positive to say, and that’s simply not true.  There is some anhedonia, and there are depressive symptoms still hanging around. Honestly, it’s not terrible.  It’s really not.  There is no SI.  The anxiety is manageable.  I have to remind myself how much I have healed because I want to be living life at 100 mph, and I can’t.  I want to clear out the clutter and invite people over, but I can’t just yet.  So, I think I’m feeling some sadness over that.

 

I take for granted that I am “saved” sometimes.  I am saved — my life has been saved by this website.  Knowing that the constant anxiety — that the akathisia — would someday disappear saved my life!!  Thank you, Altostrata, Jan Carol, Gridley, and so many other moderators who sheparded me through the last 2 1/2 years.  You save lives everyday.  THANK YOU!!

 

The last 2 days I had muscle tension in my LEFT shoulder and neck.  It came and went.  It’s worse near bedtime.  I used ibuprofen and heat.  My right leg is still cramping some — my toes — my calf.  Off and on dystonia.  It tracks with ovulation and menses.  It’s lovely to be allergic to one’s own hormones, isn’t it?  I’m still having issue with my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth while I sleep. I’m using a CPAP machine.  I wake up with a headache if I don’t.

 

Hang in there, everyone.  You will get your life back even if you CT’d, but DON’T CT whatever you do if you are still on the drugs.  Waaay too risky.

 

[Gridley]

17 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

THANK YOU!!

Thank YOU for this great update, Rosetta.  You have truly turned the corner.  I am thrilled for you.  I know you still have some issues, but, really, you sound like a new person.

[Carmie]

What a fabulous update Rosetta🧡

[Frogie]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

@Sheera @Guilietta  @Carmie  Thanks for your posts.  It’s nice to see the messages.

 

This month I will post a “three years off the drugs” update!!!!  Here’s a preview.  In just a week it will be 3 years since I finished a “taper” (what I THought was a taper!).  It was a CT, of course.  I tried to properly taper 150 mg of Zoloft from December of 2015 through February of 2016.  (Oh, how wrong I was about tapering this trash.)  I also quit occasional use of Xanax (as needed) all of which resulted in a prescription for Trazodone that I took for several weeks before my husband discovered it was an antidepressant.  I quit Trazodone CT, too.

 

At the moment, I’m still feeling down a fair amount, but I am not prevented from doing what I need to do day to day very often.  That’s amazing.   I don’t post much  because I don’t feel that I have much that is positive to say, and that’s simply not true.  There is some anhedonia, and there are depressive symptoms still hanging around. Honestly, it’s not terrible.  It’s really not.  There is no SI.  The anxiety is manageable.  I have to remind myself how much I have healed because I want to be living life at 100 mph, and I can’t.  I want to clear out the clutter and invite people over, but I can’t just yet.  So, I think I’m feeling some sadness over that.

 

I take for granted that I am “saved” sometimes.  I am saved — my life has been saved by this website.  Knowing that the constant anxiety — that the akathisia — would someday disappear saved my life!!  Thank you, Altostrata, Jan Carol, Gridley, and so many other moderators who sheparded me through the last 2 1/2 years.  You save lives everyday.  THANK YOU!!

 

The last 2 days I had muscle tension in my LEFT shoulder and neck.  It came and went.  It’s worse near bedtime.  I used ibuprofen and heat.  My right leg is still cramping some — my toes — my calf.  Off and on dystonia.  It tracks with ovulation and menses.  It’s lovely to be allergic to one’s own hormones, isn’t it?  I’m still having issue with my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth while I sleep. I’m using a CPAP machine.  I wake up with a headache if I don’t.

 

Hang in there, everyone.  You will get your life back even if you CT’d, but DON’T CT whatever you do if you are still on the drugs.  Waaay too risky.

 

That’s  a wonderful update Rosetta.

 

 I’m very happy you are healing and moving on in the world. It was nice reading about you adventure to a foreign country while in WD also. You did an amazing job there😊

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Giulietta]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

You will get your life back

 

Hello Rosetta,

 

Thank you for your everpresent encouragement - directly - and indirectly with your accounts of how you are coming along.  I am glad to see a summary of your journey. That you were able to live abroad - with family or alone - is a feat.

 

So pleased you have turned a corner even though you have some bugaboos handing around.

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta

What a wonderful update and so well written! I am so glad to see you have turned a corner! I understand you still struggle a bit but im sure the next year will bring tons more healing youve come so far. I am "healing" and its not hell everyday like it was before. But i still struggle very much. May i ask what the si is for you? I get the awful intrusive thoughts (suicidal) but then i also get this feeling of life not being worth the struggle and "wanting to die" (chemical) it still scares me. But of course living like this even much more functional is quite a struggle still. I see u say your still down but its not horrible did your akasthsia go away? I really just hope the suicidal thoughts and feelings go away here soon ill be 2 years next month and of course my brain has always tortured me of never making it or being the one person who never gets better or that something else is going on. Looking forward to heariing back! I sure hope your still doijg well. 

[Rosetta]

@Elyssa143  I know it’s really awful.  I saw that you posted something about mental akathisia.  Yep.  That seems like an appropriate name for it.  If doctors think aka has to be physical and a person has to be walking up and down the room constantly they are mistaken.  It has a very strong mental component I think.  Or if someone wants to come up with a new name for the mental part, fine.  The name mental aka works for me.  It’s Hell.  

 

The SI is the worst part.  Mine was just like yours.  Intrusive.  My brain tried to make sense of it — to come up with reasons for why I felt it.  If a feeling is that strong it must have a reason, right?  Wrong.  Now that I have perspective I think of it like a hallucination.  There’s no reason for it.  The brain is thinking on its own.  Just as the eyes don’t see apparitions and the ears don’t hear voices there is no reason for your SI except for the fact that the brain is malfunctioning.  Yes, of course, you feel terrible, your brain is torturing you in other ways, and maybe, most likely, you have physical issues from WD, too, but would they be, on their own, enough for SI? Probably not.  At least not as often.  Thank god it WILL go away!!!

 

Notice that I said my SI WAS.  It’s gone, and if it comes back I’ll stare it down again! I know it will go away.  I suppose you have heard of Stuart Dolin.  His wife is an activist now that he died because of akathisia.  Doctors die of it, too.  But remember you KNOW about it.  Those doctors didn’t!  Isn’t that shocking?!  They didn’t know it was medication induced.  They didn’t know it could continue after cessation of the medication nor that it will resolve.  That’s, in my opinion, what killed them.  They didn’t know that the nervous system must be treated very gently in order to recover and to avoid exacerbating the condition, either.  No new drugs.  They think they should try new drugs until one “works” (differential diagnosis such as on “House”).  That is exactly the wrong thing to use.  Differential diagnosis kills patients.  They don’t know that.  We do!!  We can protect ourselves now.

 

My experience was that knowing helped enormously.  SA tells us it will resolve.  Not when, of course.  No one can say.  The fact that you are seeing improvement means you are in the right course.  You will be very close to the last day of SI without having any idea that is true.  You will notice after several weeks that it has not occurred in a while.  Then it will come back and go away again.  Just like all WD symptoms.  One day, like me, you will say “Oh, it’s been a couple of months!  It’s true.  It’s going away!!”

 

I’m not saying it’s easy to live through but you can endure it, Elyssa.  It’s very hard.  No doubt.  My best advice: Distract yourself.  Watch tv or read or walk.  Walking is really the best.  Walking doesn’t only distract you.  It helps the nervous system heal.  If you have support, and you do, you are going to have an easier time.  A safe place to live, food, clothing, warmth . . . that’s all you need along with the knowledge to avoid increasing the disruption to your nervous system.  

 

We are the lucky ones because we found this website — because someone made this website and maintains it.  You will heal.  You just have to distract yourself from the aka, take it day by day, hour by hour, if necessary, until it slowly lessens.  I rarely have it, and if I do it’s very manageable.  It doesn’t involve SI now. I’m prepared that that could come back, but I know it will go away again.  That will be true for you someday.

 

The people who try a lot different things - supplements, new meds, changing dosages, missing doses, doubling up doses, that sort of thing — they don’t seem to do well.  You can’t miss a dose because you don’t take meds.   That’s cold comfort for a person who CT’d but still — it’s one less thing to try to manage in our state of being.  

 

Hang in there!! - 💖Rosetta

[Rosetta]

I’m feeling sad.  I just lost my girl cat last month.  She disappeared while we were out of town.  The house sitter wasn’t her fav person, but I think she died.  It’s really hard, and my daughter is struggling with it.  I lost my 16 year old cat about a year before this cat showed up in my doorstep.  Eight months of diabetes treatment followed by pancreatic cancer.  He was my child.  I still long for him.  I miss this girl a lot, too.  It’s different, but still painful.  Not knowing is hard, but she couldn’t live inside.  Now I wish I had made her live inside, but she wouldn’t use a litter box.  She used clothes or blankets.  I couldn’t deal with that in WD.  I’m feeling really guilty, but I know I did the best I could.  I miss her.

[Gridley]

1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

 I miss her.

My heart goes out to you, Rosetta.  It is very hard.  You fought and fought for your little boy, and I know he was aware of it and was grateful.  It's hard not knowing with your little girl.  You literally did the best you could being in terrible WD.  I remember your condition at the time.  Please forgive yourself.  She would want you to.

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Gridley.  I was very sick, but it’s hard.  Thanks for the kind words.

[Rosetta]

Well, I had a terrible day.  I had no appetite to the point that food seemed disgusting.  So, more than no appetite.  Some kind of very intense anxiety about food.  The usual family dynamic that is quite dysfunctional in my husband’s family reared it’s ugly head, I handled it poorly and now I feel that life itself is completely and utterly worthless.  So much for no SI.  

 

This ordeal with WD has taken its toll on my relationship with my husband.  It is clear that he is very resentful and angry.  He said something very hurtful today.   I’m not even sure what to think.  I’m doing the best I can which isn’t very well.  I should have stayed home today.

 

I really can’t brush off an argument the way people who had real siblings and real parents can.  I don’t think my husband can understand this fully.  Maybe he simply can’t get it.  

 

He thinks I should be able to accept that he will make these mistakes under intense pressure.  He says he’s human.  Why do I hurt from his words forever?  I guess he really does recover more quickly.  He recovers.  I don’t.  I can’t handle these experiences.  They stay with me a very long time.  They really never go away.  I feel under threat.  I fear abandonment.  That makes him angry.   He takes it personally that I have abandonment issues.  He says that after 24 years he’s proved himself to me.  

 

Today as was a simple misunderstanding.  — cascade of misunderstandings and odd coincidences.  I got very angry and assumed people knew things they didn’t.  But the end result was out of proportion as usual.  The years and years of anxiety induced anger on my part has made it such that our arguments get very heated.  He says things that he doesn’t mean.  Then he’s shocked that I take it so hard because he says I have said horrible things to him and he forgives me.  The difference is that he is more secure than I am, and he’s not alone in the world without me.  Having a mother who has loved him unconditionally makes a big difference. 

 

I feel very alone.

[Giulietta]

Dear Rosetta

 

I am heartbroken about the miserable day you had today and your feelings of being alone. I will write a thoughtful message shortly but saw  your message and wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and know exactly how you feel.

 

I have to handle a dysfunctional dynamic at home now before it becomes an issue - it's often like walking on eggshells here.

 

Big hug.

 

Giulietta

 

 

[Giulietta]

Hi Rosetta

 

I have the same feelings about handling (or not) the types of situations you experience as well. It is painful. I am sorry you had a lousy day. I tried to put some thoughts down below after giving this a lot of thought and time. [I'm a slow thinker! 😉 ]

 

13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Why do I hurt from his words forever?  I guess he really does recover more quickly.  He recovers.  I don’t.  I can’t handle these experiences.  They stay with me a very long time.  They really never go away.  I

 

This is a good question and one I would like an answer to as well.  These issues are everpresent in my life. I am not married -  I stopped dating because I could not handle the experiences you mention. I am now in my 50s.

 

I don't know why you (and I an do thers)  can't let go of the hurt (suffering?) and what to do about it.   I feel misunderstood and wronged by  remarks of people whose love and approval I need - a pattern since childhood. They  don't know that things are hard for me (then and now) even though as you said  I am doing my best to do the right thing  in a difficult situation - and that I only mean well.  It is frustrating and I end up thinking badly of myself - even though I should be kind and compassionate and loving to myself.   I hope you can be. 😉

 

Learning self-love and self-compassion as an adult is difficult when you didn't  feel loved - at least in a way you wanted or could understand - as a child. I know this to be true.

 

Big hug. I hope you have a happier day tomorrow, Rosetta.

 

G.

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @Guilietta  That was very kind.

[Snorky]

On 2/13/2020 at 5:38 PM, Rosetta said:

@Elyssa143  I know it’s really awful.  I saw that you posted something about mental akathisia.  Yep.  That seems like an appropriate name for it.  If doctors think aka has to be physical and a person has to be walking up and down the room constantly they are mistaken.  It has a very strong mental component I think.  Or if someone wants to come up with a new name for the mental part, fine.  The name mental aka works for me.  It’s Hell.  

 

The SI is the worst part.  Mine was just like yours.  Intrusive.  My brain tried to make sense of it — to come up with reasons for why I felt it.  If a feeling is that strong it must have a reason, right?  Wrong.  Now that I have perspective I think of it like a hallucination.  There’s no reason for it.  The brain is thinking on its own.  Just as the eyes don’t see apparitions and the ears don’t hear voices there is no reason for your SI except for the fact that the brain is malfunctioning.  Yes, of course, you feel terrible, your brain is torturing you in other ways, and maybe, most likely, you have physical issues from WD, too, but would they be, on their own, enough for SI? Probably not.  At least not as often.  Thank god it WILL go away!!!

 

Notice that I said my SI WAS.  It’s gone, and if it comes back I’ll stare it down again! I know it will go away.  I suppose you have heard of Stuart Dolin.  His wife is an activist now that he died because of akathisia.  Doctors die of it, too.  But remember you KNOW about it.  Those doctors didn’t!  Isn’t that shocking?!  They didn’t know it was medication induced.  They didn’t know it could continue after cessation of the medication nor that it will resolve.  That’s, in my opinion, what killed them.  They didn’t know that the nervous system must be treated very gently in order to recover and to avoid exacerbating the condition, either.  No new drugs.  They think they should try new drugs until one “works” (differential diagnosis such as on “House”).  That is exactly the wrong thing to use.  Differential diagnosis kills patients.  They don’t know that.  We do!!  We can protect ourselves now.

 

My experience was that knowing helped enormously.  SA tells us it will resolve.  Not when, of course.  No one can say.  The fact that you are seeing improvement means you are in the right course.  You will be very close to the last day of SI without having any idea that is true.  You will notice after several weeks that it has not occurred in a while.  Then it will come back and go away again.  Just like all WD symptoms.  One day, like me, you will say “Oh, it’s been a couple of months!  It’s true.  It’s going away!!”

 

I’m not saying it’s easy to live through but you can endure it, Elyssa.  It’s very hard.  No doubt.  My best advice: Distract yourself.  Watch tv or read or walk.  Walking is really the best.  Walking doesn’t only distract you.  It helps the nervous system heal.  If you have support, and you do, you are going to have an easier time.  A safe place to live, food, clothing, warmth . . . that’s all you need along with the knowledge to avoid increasing the disruption to your nervous system.  

 

We are the lucky ones because we found this website — because someone made this website and maintains it.  You will heal.  You just have to distract yourself from the aka, take it day by day, hour by hour, if necessary, until it slowly lessens.  I rarely have it, and if I do it’s very manageable.  It doesn’t involve SI now. I’m prepared that that could come back, but I know it will go away again.  That will be true for you someday.

 

The people who try a lot different things - supplements, new meds, changing dosages, missing doses, doubling up doses, that sort of thing — they don’t seem to do well.  You can’t miss a dose because you don’t take meds.   That’s cold comfort for a person who CT’d but still — it’s one less thing to try to manage in our state of being.  

 

Hang in there!! - 💖Rosetta

Hi R

 

Just looking st this post and an earlier one in this thread. You referred to some “depressive symptoms and anhedonia”. You also advocate activity and distractions. While I wholeheartedly agree with this (why I tried to go back to work , despite feeling crap), the depression and anhedonia sensations prevent any meaningful distraction.

 

Does that make sense?

 

God bless you and your family.

[Giulietta]

Hello Rosetta,

 

I have been thinking of you and hope you are feeling at least a bit better today.

 

 

1 hour ago, Snorky said:

Walking is really the best.  Walking doesn’t only distract you.  It helps the nervous system heal.

 

From your sage advice, dear Rosetta - walking or any physical action - using hands to do something - your brain has a much harder time to ruminate, etc.  on anything but the physical activity. When I make a concerted effort to focus on walking, coloring, whatever you do (or may learn to knit? )  I am better off. I can much more easily catch myself and bring myself back to my activity and not be thinky.

 

I found pushing myself to move as fast as I could from physical activity to activity like cleaning the bathroom, and other housework, yardwork, even if they didn't need doing - helped 'reset' until the worst passed.

 

Hugs and blessings

G.

 

 

 

[Rosetta]

@Snorky  Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense.  Anhedonia is quite a different beast than depression.  They share the ability to make us vegge. Although I’m sure I experienced it very mildly prior to the severe WD, the anhedonia I know exists now is truly horrific.  I agree that meaningful distraction isn’t likely during intense anhedonia.  

 

As time passed I came to appreciate having anhedonia as a welcome relief from severe anxiety and akathisia.  It was good to have a break from the fear, the racing thoughts and the constant processing of what could go wrong and how to prevent it.  At the same time I was mourning the loss of time with my daughter that anhedonia stole from me.  However, those breaks from unremitting fear were helpful.  There is only so much of that that one can take.  

 

I watched a lot of tv and read a lot of books about subjects that evoke emotion, and it was strange to not care about the characters, but those activities helped me pass the time.  I’m not sure I recommend those because when emotions suddenly return with ferocity having seen all of that does fuel the fear.  

 

I’m sorry you are suffering, Snorky.  Guilietta has a good idea - exercise.  Everything seems pointless, but exercise has both short term and long term benefits.  Keeping your body engaged when your mind is out to lunch might help.  I would understand if you couldn’t get up to do it.  I couldn’t for a very long time, but eventually I was walking every day.  

 

What a mess, huh?

 

[Snorky]

21 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

@Snorky  Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense.  Anhedonia is quite a different beast than depression.  They share the ability to make us vegge. Although I’m sure I experienced it very mildly prior to the severe WD, the anhedonia I know exists now is truly horrific.  I agree that meaningful distraction isn’t likely during intense anhedonia.  

 

As time passed I came to appreciate having anhedonia as a welcome relief from severe anxiety and akathisia.  It was good to have a break from the fear, the racing thoughts and the constant processing of what could go wrong and how to prevent it.  At the same time I was mourning the loss of time with my daughter that anhedonia stole from me.  However, those breaks from unremitting fear were helpful.  There is only so much of that that one can take.  

 

I watched a lot of tv and read a lot of books about subjects that evoke emotion, and it was strange to not care about the characters, but those activities helped me pass the time.  I’m not sure I recommend those because when emotions suddenly return with ferocity having seen all of that does fuel the fear.  

 

I’m sorry you are suffering, Snorky.  Guilietta has a good idea - exercise.  Everything seems pointless, but exercise has both short term and long term benefits.  Keeping your body engaged when your mind is out to lunch might help.  I would understand if you couldn’t get up to do it.  I couldn’t for a very long time, but eventually I was walking every day.  

 

What a mess, huh?

 

Hi R

 

Thanks for your insight. I think I’m experiencing elements of depression, anhedonia and restlessness. The first two are killing any efforts to distract myself. I’m actually forcing myself to go out on trips with family, which should be enjoyable and distracting, but not the case. We also have a park here with wildlife, which should tick lots of boxes. Have walked round quite a few times, but unable to draw any enjoyment from the experience. Desperate at the moment. The loneliness was easier to alleviate by engineering situations to be out. However, current symptoms seem to be overwhelming.

 

Thanks

[Rosetta]

Still having mood swings.  Felt absolutely awful night before last.  So depressed and hopeless.  Then I woke up yesterday feeling a lot better.  Today is fine, too, but the middle of last night was quite depressing when I woke up for an hour or so in the still of the night.

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Today is fine, too, but the middle of last night was quite depressing when I woke up for an hour or so in the still of the night.

 

I just wanted to note (as no doubt you're aware) that this mini-wave/window pattern is SO much better than pre-Spain.  Seems to me you are a textbook example of healing.  And, as he poet says, "The best is yet to be."

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Gridley.  You are right, of course.  Being here is very depressing compared to Spain.  That isn’t helping matters much.  I’m trying to busy myself, but I’m not doing enough of the things that keep me mentally healthy.  I will have to try harder.  

 

My husband is very depressed.  That is reinforcing my own sadness.  He’s angry, too.  It’s so sad. I don’t do well when he feels a lot of anger.  This whole country is so angry.  Spain didn’t have this vibe.  Our possibilities for socializing have been shrinking for many years, and now we are nearly completely isolated.  

 

I’m going to try to get the clutter cleared out so that maybe we can try to make some new friends.  I’m not sure I can do it.  

[Giulietta]

On 2/17/2020 at 10:53 AM, Rosetta said:

I’m trying to busy myself, but I’m not doing enough of the things that keep me mentally healthy.

 

Hello Rosetta

 

Can you "do more of what makes you happy"? I have this on my desk - next to a sticky that says 'positive expectations.' Every day I have trouble with the former. I am going to try this by setting a goal - a small one that I can be happy about at the end of the day.  When everything seems impossible,etc , - I look at the 'positive expectations' and tell myself it is going to work out! 

 

On 2/17/2020 at 10:53 AM, Rosetta said:

My husband is very depressed.  That is reinforcing my own sadness.  He’s angry, too.  It’s so sad. I don’t do well when he feels a lot of anger.

 

I and many others experience the same feelings - angry for example - or depressed or sad - it affects my mood tremendously.

 

On 2/17/2020 at 10:53 AM, Rosetta said:

Our possibilities for socializing have been shrinking for many years, and now we are nearly completely isolated.  

 

 

I posted a link below that has some decent ideas. One thing is to volunteer. Food banks are an option.

 

There are churches that have community suppers you can attend. You don't have to be a member to join the dinner.

 

On 2/17/2020 at 10:53 AM, Rosetta said:

I’m going to try to get the clutter cleared out so that maybe we can try to make some new friends.  I’m not sure I can do it.  

 

Yes you can do it. 🙂

 

https://www.regain.us/advice/how-to/the-loneliness-epidemic-causes-and-effects-and-how-to-deal-with-loneliness/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rozon1]

Hey @Rosetta! 
 

I just read your story and it’s inspiring! When did the Akathisia leave and the anxiety got better? I’m 3 months off. I have intense anxiety and this overwhelming feeling things won’t get better. Insomnia is also bad. Although I am able to fall asleep. I’m 2 1/2 months off medication. I’m thinking of reinstating for a slow taper but I just don’t want to prolong the process. When did you start to feel better from when you CTd?

 

also would you of reinstated if it was within 3 months? 

[Rosetta]

I’m doing ok this week.  There are emotional challenges, but I have been able to bake and make meringue buttercream frosting today.  The frosting takes quite a bit of focus and tolerance of frustration.   It has to be done just right or the whole bowl is ruined.  There were various mishaps.  I was able to stay calm and fix problems and mistakes.  This is a BIG, BIG deal for me.  I baked because of someone’s birthday.  So, this was something I needed to do at a specific time.  That fact used to cause me quite a bit of anxiety.   

 

The return of my cognitive ability and lack of much anxiety are making life so much easier.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta so glad to hear this! & to hear that life is becoming easier! I look forward to that day! How nice it is that your able to bake, can you enjoy it? When you say emotional challenges withdrawl related or normal life? Im very greatful for you always being so positive to me and reassuring! Youve been a guiding light of mine since my beginning! I look forward to reading your success story! I look forward to the day I am experiencing more positives like you💗

[Rosetta]

Hi @Guilietta  Thanks for the words of encouragement. @Elyssa143 Oh, there are definitely WD syndrome emotional challenges.  It’s also that my life shrunk so much during this ordeal instead of expanding or remaining full.  I still have physical pain from WD especially in the night.  My neck, shoulders, chest muscles and left elbow bother me a lot.  Last night I got up, took ibuprofen and heated my shoulder wrap.  Sometimes the pain is there in the morning, sometimes not.  Occasionally, it does not occur in the night.    

 

The cake is a chocolate cake made with butter instead of oil.  It has a chocolate ganache filling.  The frosting on the sides is Grand Mariner buttercream, and the top is chocolate ganache that drips down the sides.  Yes!! I enjoyed making it!

[thelegend]

Sounds like you are doing much better than at the start of your ordeal. How long before you started to feel better. I have been holding for almost 10 months...on two different drugs, and still nowhere near stable.

[Giulietta]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 It has a chocolate ganache filling.  The frosting on the sides is Grand Mariner buttercream, and the top is chocolate ganache that drips down the sides. 

 

Sounds like a dream...is there any left? 🙂

I really love ganache...and what an achievement to make such a complicated recipe even in the best of times...I can neither cook nor bake very well

 

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I still have physical pain from WD especially in the night

 

I am sorry you continue to have this. How often do you experience it and how long does it last - I think it is joint pain? 

 

 

 

[Mimi79]

I Rosetta

I'm new on this forum and I think you had some experiences that I'm living now. I'm beginning my Mirtazapine taper and, since 3-4 weeks, I have some OCD like thoughts. I'm 40 and I've never had any OCD. In your story, I read that you also had some OCD caused by the AD. Did it vanished when you withdrawed?

Thank you very much.

[Rosetta]

@Giulietta The chocolate cake lasted almost a week.  It was so rich that a thin slice was all one could eat, but I still made myself a bit sick a couple of times by having more! I almost always use a box cake mix even if I “hack” it with an extra egg, milk instead of water and extra vanilla extract.  This time it was Miss Jones Organic Chocolate Cake Mix.  No hacking needed except vanilla.  I got it at Sprouts, but some WalMarts have it.

 

I hacked a vanilla (white) cake mix a while ago to make a spice cake.  Before I added spices and molasses, I made plain vanilla cupcakes for my daughter.  They were really good.  Then, I added spices and molasses, and the spice cake was amazing, too.  Ignore the package instructions.  The sour cream is what makes this cake delicious.

 

To the box mix I added:

1 cup flour (all purpose) (121 grams)

1 cup sugar (100 grams)

1/2 teaspoon salt (3 g)

1 cup sour cream (125 mililiters/125 grams)

1/2 cup water (118 milliliters/118 grams)

3 (whole) large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla (2.5 milliliters/2.5 grams)

(No oil, no butter)

 

To make the spice cake add to all of the above:

2 tsp ground ginger (4 g)

3 tsp ground cinnamon (6 g)

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg (1 g)

1/2 cup molasses (162 grams)

(Some people will miss the cloves.  I do.  You can add 1/4 or 1/2 tsp ground cloves (one-half (1/2) gram to one (1) gram)

 

This will have a mild ginger taste.  You may want more ginger.  I will add more next time.

 

Giulietta, yes, muscle tension pain.

 

 

[Rosetta]

Three year update:

 

I haven’t felt like writing the 3 year update yet.  Three years off passed in mid- February.

 

I’ve been through a wave the past week or two.  I hope it has peaked.  The most troubling symptoms were muscle tension pain and sadness.  There was some waking up in mild fear.  The physical pain was quite bad this past week or so.  My jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, my forearms, too, and sometimes my temples and cheeks.  Some people complain of “head pressure,” and I think this is a stronger form of that.  My left elbow has hurt quite a bit.  It feels like arthritis, I suppose.  It’s better after I move it, but moving it causes pain.  I think the tendons are being pulled by the muscles contracting so strongly.

 

Night before last, (Thursday night, the 27th) I woke up around about 10 pm, maybe, feeling quite nauseous.  I had acid reflux, and I almost threw up several times.  I had eaten a fairly good dinner around 4:30, but it was as if my stomach was empty.  I never threw up.  Eventually, I felt it was safe to leave the bathroom and lie down again, and when I woke up later the feeling was gone.  In the morning, I woke up with no pain and no muscle tension.  I was still sore, but my elbow felt much better as did the rest of me.  I don’t know what that was all about.  WD syndrome?  My husband had eaten everything I had eaten.  It wasn’t food poisoning.  Maybe menopause with WD syndrome — double whammy.

 

Today, I woke up without muscle tension, just soreness, but it started again after I did some reading.  It’s not painful except that my left elbow hurts again.

 

All that pain made me reluctant to write about all the improvements in my condition since the 2.5 year update.  There have been many.  I’ll write about them someday.

[Giulietta]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

 I almost always use a box cake mix even if I “hack” it with an extra egg, milk instead of water and extra vanilla extract. 

 

Brilliant! You are so clever to think of this - and get a delicious result.

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

still made myself a bit sick a couple of times by having more

 

I once ate one pound of chocolates over about 3-4 hours. They were so delicious. Yes, I felt pretty bad for hours....it was 25 years ago but the memory has lasted 😉

 

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Giulietta, yes, muscle tension pain.

 

I see. Sorry about this is still hanging around. I have started experiencing more acute muscle tension pain and weakness this the past few weeks mostly in my limbs, jaw and sometimes neck.

 

I'm trying to do one thing I love this weekend but having trouble focusing...