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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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Rosetta

I’m feeling manic or something.  My heart is pounding; I feel a bit of stomach upset.  It’s a different feeling from a cortisol spike feeling.  My mind is racing, and I feel that I want to do something that’s important or special.  I’m having memories and f time when I was especially astute.  This happens every so often.  It happened Sunday evening for a short while.  It doesn’t upset me the way it used to because it doesn’t last.  I don’t have time to do anything silly, but it is very unnerving.  
 

This feeling is making me worry that I’m going into a wave.  I am sure I am, but I still have hope it’s not a deep one.  I’ve been up since about 4:45 am, and it’s almost 6:00 now.  That’s better than being up from 3:00 to 5:00 or midnight to 6:00.

 

Thanks for stopping by, @Erelland @Gridley

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Rosetta

Night before last, sleep was very difficult with multiple cortisol spikes before 4:00 am.  I finally gave up trying to sleep.  I fell asleep again and slept until 9:30 am. The day after was not very good.  I felt off, irritable, and quite unhappy.  My husband was in a terrible mood most of the day.  My daughter was very emotional, too.  I got no exercise.  I didn’t even walk,
 

This past night, sleep was better.  I got to bed very late: 11:00 pm.  It is now 5:30 am, and I have slept about 6 hours straight with no cortisol spike.  I’m awake quite early, but it’s nice to have no spike.

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I’m sorry your slee is still tough. But the fact that you slept 6 hours and no cortisol spoke is quite an improvement. How are you feeling overall? And when your in a terrible mood is more so life moods up and down or still chemical?  At  about 28 months off we’re you still in pretty rough shape? And what you wrote about SI is me exactly 100% it was so nice to see someone else understand and put it in words as I feel all alone in that symptom. When did that really start to go for u and not be an everyday thing? For me it’s still pretty much everyday my symptoms are to one point or another I’m never symptom free. Did you still have dread in your stomach then or do u now? I still have pretty negative brain chatter daily but again to one point or another. It’s just tiring and of course I’m still scared I’m looking to get to a point where I’m confident in recovery and things aren’t so bad. Are you homeschooling your daughter? Or sending her to school? I’m going to homeschool so that’s a whole other stress. I do hope today is a decent day for u. I am trailing right behind you. You’ve been a guiding light for me and I cannot wait to read your success story! Hugs to you Rosetta

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Rosetta

Elyssa, I just wrote a long, long, long answer to you, and it disappeared.   I can’t get it back.  Undo doesn’t work.  I’m sorry you are feeling so bad.  My timeline won’t be yours, but I was at 28 months around June/July of 2019.  I started feeling much better in September, then got worse, then better, then worse.  Now I’m better.  I know you are so tired.  It will get better.  That I know.  @Elyssa143

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Rosetta

Today is Monday.  My last post was on Saturday.  I just spent four hours over two days combing dread locks out of my daughter’s hair.  When I gave up on it last night, I felt pretty distraught. I had only cleared about 1/3 of the tangles.  It’s very tedious work.  I don’t see well.  Normally, I keep her hair braided.  I’m trying to be grateful I was able to get the tangles out.
 

Trying to teach a child to be independent while fluctuating between windows and waves and cortisol spikes and trips on the emotional rollercoaster is not for the faint of heart.  I can’t stay on top of things.  I can’t nag her to comb her hair.  I can’t keep the laundry done either.  I can’t set a good example.  I do make her brush her teeth.  That failure can’t be fixed so easily.  I have to choose the lesser evils.
 

I’m feel that I’m wading through a mire, endlessly, while beating back the crocodiles as they surface, and never making much progress toward firm ground.  Much of the time I’m sitting on the couch resting after exhausting myself mentally by trying to do just about anything.  It’s not the same physical exhaustion I used to feel.   That was worse indeed.  It’s much more a mental exhaustion.  I feel physically exhausted after about 8/9 pm.
 

When I look at what I can’t do I realize how much more I can do than I could do before.  I am so much better than I was two summers ago.  I’m not sure I’m a lot better than last Summer in terms of what I can do physically, but I am much better cognitively.  I don’t think I could have taught my daughter last Summer.
 

Most days all I can do is:   
 

schoolwork,

cook, 

clean up after a meal, 

walk
 

Some days I can’t even do that.  The schoolwork is very taxing.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted by that.  Some days that’s just about all I do besides make lunch.  

 

I wash my hair about once a week.  I can’t strip the bed every week.  I can’t do any other housework.  I might do laundry once every 2-3 weeks, and if so, it’s one to two loads.  My husband has to do most of the housework, poor guy.  A lot just doesn’t get done.  This is not how I want to live, but for now it’s the best I can do.
 

Getting to the clutter is nearly impossible.  I make little dents here and there, but they don’t last.
 

I thought I was doing pretty well the last week, but when I discover that I have let something go — like keeping my daughter’s hair combed and braided — I realize that I was not doing so well.  My husband has been saying that he sees me slipping into a wave again.  He says that when I get clumsy he knows I’m slipping into a wave.  He says the anger comes after that.

 

I’ve been rather clumsy lately.  I burned my arm on the oven quite badly about 5 days ago.  There’s a spot about the size of a pea that is a second degree burn.  The rest of it that is the size of two nickels is first degree.  I haven’t gone to the doctor because it seems to be healing.  I accidentally ripped the scab off the middle,  which is the second degree part, last night.  I haven’t fallen.  I’ve come close.  I keep knocking things over and dropping things.
 

My daughter and I have been getting along well, and I was able to play with her yesterday.  That is so rare.  I wish I could play with her every day.  She is 9 now.  She was 5 Years 9 Months when I quit Zoloft, Xanax and Trazodone.  It will have been 3 1/2 years next months.

 

We have been trying to get through her English Language Arts school work.  I have her caught up with what she missed last Fall, and now we are trying to complete what she should have learned after the March closure due to Covid.   We did almost everything the school sent us to do, but there was a lot her teacher did not send us.  There was no grammar, no phonics/spelling, no guidance at all regarding the point of each reading passage or writing assignment.  Now that I have taught her with an understanding of the curriculum and with a teacher’s guide, the reading and writing assignments make more sense.  We have about three weeks of work left to do.  
 

I’m glad that we worked on the ELA this Summer because I feel much less stressed about the Fall schoolwork.  I think she’s going to be more comfortable with it, too.  It’s still boring sometimes and tedious, but we have developed a relationship as teacher-student that will help us get through the Fall.  It was miserable to get to this point, believe me, but being past it, I think the teaching and learning experience will be better and easier.


I may not try to complete the 3rd grade math.  I’m afraid the school will start that on subject where her class left off in March.
 

I want to do crafts and science with her.  I keep hoping I can find the energy.  I want to build a slip n slide for her.  I want to build a treehouse.  I want to take her camping, to see the Sequoias, to see the stars and to see the comet.  I want to teach her to build a fire.  There’s so much I want to do with her before it’s too late.

 

I suppose I should be grateful that I have all these desires.  I could be anhedonic instead.

 

Night before last I was awake for a long while in the night, and then last night, I slept well until 5:30 am with only a couple of wake ups.  I had a strong cortisol spike at 5:30 that caused me to wake in a panic. I was able to go back to sleep after that.  

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta

hello my sweet friend. I know your not feeling the best and I know you can’t keep up with everything you want to keep up with but you are noting that you are much better. I can relate and I can relate to the stuff with your daughter as I have two kids and feel like an awful mother. My house is not as clean as I would like either. Physically it’s a lot to keep up with. I also have my dogs and raising puppies so I’m literally always busy and it’s saving my life. Right now I can’t keep up with everything in the house I try to be gentle on myself with that, easier said than done. Honestly I find myself saying, Atleast I’m alive. The other stuff is just stuff as annoying and irritating it is to not be super clean an organized I do my best everyday. The mental stuff for me is still a daily struggle so I note that as well. You are healing and I think maybe I’m wrong but I think your in a place where your doing more normal life and normal things are becoming more frustrating and that’s a huge stage of healing! Like now your upset you can’t finish your daughters hair or make a dent in organizing you know? Before it was just getting through the day. It’s hard to see I understand 100% but your healing. And this time next year you’ll be able to do so much more. I’m so glad to hear you got to play with your daughter. My fiancé wrote me this morning and said it was so nice to see me laugh last night. I think part of this journey is learning how to take the teeny tiny accomplishments and be “proud” of even the little things! I’m no where near where you are. Mentally it’s still very hard, I’m looking forward to the day that I’m confident in my healing & the suicidal and akasthia stuff is gone completely. Hugs to you

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta!  I have SO missed you!  I am working on a new computer.  In the mean time someone nearby in this building has allowed me to use hers now and then which is so kind!!  Im so grateful!!

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

 I’m trying to be grateful I was able to get the tangles out.

I was wondering if you have ever used a detangler on your daughters hair?  I didnt even know there was one.  My daughter uses it on Evie's hair and it is unbelievable how well it works!  I was amazed!!  I dont know the name of it but I can sure get it for you if you'd like.  😀

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

I make little dents here and there, but they don’t last.  

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

I can’t keep the laundry done either.

 

I can remember when just the thought of trying to declutter or do the laundry was too over whelming, much less making a dent.  Do you remember?  Im so excited about your dents and your laundry!!

 

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

 I burned my arm on the oven quite badly about 5 days ago.  

Im so sorry Rosetta!!  I burn myself in this oven nearly every week! I know they hurt! I did finally get one of those mitts.  

You dont want it to get infected though.  I use Emu Oil on my burns and just about everything that is sore.  It is a miracle oil truly and has been used on burn patients.  I get it from Olivu online.  I healed a cellulitis in my big toe after bumping it badly with the oil.  The doctor couldn't believe it.  She had wanted me to take antibiotics.  Do you  think the clumsiness could be a later part of the healing?  Because I dont remember you mentioning it in r/t waves before? 

 

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

My daughter and I have been getting along well, and I was able to play with her yesterday.  That is so rare.  I wish I could play with her every day.

This makes my heart sing!!!   💞

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

There was no grammar, no phonics/spelling, no guidance at all regarding the point of each reading passage or writing assignment.  Now that I have taught her with an understanding of the curriculum and with a teacher’s guide, the reading and writing assignments make more sense.  We have about three weeks of work left to do.  

Most parents wouldn't recognize this much less figure out what to do to correct it!  I think that is so so wonderful Rosetta....you are truly amazing!!  That whole thought was so clear and strong and positive.  Seems when you are teaching/working in that part of your mind you sound so confidant and strong.

 

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

I suppose I should be grateful that I have all these desires.

Yes!!  I was thinking the same thing...how wonderful it was that you were WANTing to do so many things!!  I hope I get to that point!!

 

On 7/20/2020 at 7:35 PM, Rosetta said:

This is not how I want to live, but for now it’s the best I can do.

From what I have read along the way you have ALWAYS done your best and far far more, Rosetta.  And I have always thought you to be such a loving mom, wife, friend ....and a most special person!  Blessings and love to you!!  Hope you sleep well!💜

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Rosetta

They multiple, nightly cortisol jolts continue over and over.  During the day, I am ok, usually.  I had a day with high anxiety recently, but the last few have been better.  
 

Life isn’t bad except in the night and right after wake up in the morning.  It’s hard to get going in the morning.  I often think that if I got up instead of falling asleep again, and having another cortisol spike, I would feel better over all.  I don’t do that.  I try to get more sleep and my sleep is so broken. After a spike, I have a hot flash, and then I get very cold, it’s hard to fall asleep again, and the cycle repeats.  At least my days are ok.  I’m not anxious this morning, for instance.

 

I have not been having much dystonia lately.  I’m not depressed.  I’m not anhedonic.  
 

I am, however, lonely, but it’s circumstantial.  I don’t feel lonely-depressed.  No one ever calls me.  I have no friends.  That is probably the worse part of the pandemic for me.  The friends I did have are gone.  They are living their lives, ignoring the pandemic, and never make any effort to say hello.  I try to message them every so often, but because it’s always me making the effort, I get discouraged.  They respond, but then the silence begins again.    That’s the way it is when I live in a place I don’t belong where the people don’t share my values, I suppose.  They weren’t really friends.  That realization makes me sad.

 

I have a couple of people who could become friends.  I’m working on those relationships, and I know that if I keep trying there’s a chance there will be a friendship there.  They are both so afraid of catching Covid that it’s hard to get together, but we do sometimes.  Their kids are friends with my daughter.  That’s what’s important - that she has friends.

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Rosetta

So, here’s the positive part:  I flew a kite yesterday.  I got it aloft, and then I gave it to my daughter.  That was the first time she flew a kite.  She loved it.  We were at the beach.  She had been swimming with her father.  I wish I had pictures.  

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Rosetta

@Rabe I’m so happy to hear from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You sound as if you are better.  That is wonderful.  Everything about your writing indicates you are healing.  I’m so happy to see that. I can’t wait to see more of your posts.  I hope you can get the computer soon.  I use a smart phone for most of my posts.  Maybe you could check that out.  
 

@Elyssa143  Aww, thanks for your encouraging words.  I really need those sometimes.  I DO have friends!  They are here.
 

 

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Rosetta

Having fairly intense cortisol awakenings.  Last night, I was up for quite a while Until about 5:30 am after several nights of sleeping until 5:30 am with only short periods of wakefulness.  A cortisol  awakening happened again at around 8:00 am.  Then I was quite anxious for hours.  it was around 1:00 pm before it stopped.

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta

im very sorry your having such a hard time with the cortisol mornings :(. Sounds like your adrenals are really trying to adjust? Do you take any vitamins or supplements? I’m having a really hard time with the akasthia :( 29 months this week, really praying that lessens for me and the suicidal goes soon. Hugs to you-

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Rosetta

Up again for the second night in a row.  I think I woke up at about 3:00.  Yesterday, it was similar and I was up until 5:30 or 6.

 

I have dystonia from using my hand too much to order Legos.  


Today was much less anxious.  It’s remarkable how calm I felt today compared to the other day when I had a surge of anxiety.
 

I worry a lot when I’m awake in the night.

 

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Rosetta

It’s 4:30 a.m.  I’ve been up since about 2:00 maybe.  I have mild akathisia.  I had it when I went to bed, too.  When I woke up, I was afraid, but I know this is just a dysfunction of the cortisol or adrenaline release.  So tiring.  I’ll fall asleep again, eventually.

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Rosetta

Now, it’s almost 6.  Every time I fall asleep, I wake up to a cortisol spike and a hot flash.

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wantrelief

Oh Rosetta, I am really sorry you are going through this.....it sounds so challenging to deal with not only not sleeping but then when you do, the cortisol spikes as well. It will straighten itself out but in the meantime, you are being your usual brave and courageous self to get through it.  I hope things settle soon.  Thinking of you, WR.

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Erell

 ❤ Sending you lot of love Rosetta  ❤

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Rosetta

Thank you, Errell and Wantrelief.  I know you are both dealing with your own issues.

 

Yesterday morning, I finally took some Benadryl.  I slept from about 6:30 am until 10, and I was groggy for much of the day.  
 

I went to bed at about 9:30.  I just woke up to a cortisol spike at 12:45 am.

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Rosetta

Another spike at 2:50 am

Hot flash

Then, by 3:00, I’m cold

Not feeling as sick to my stomach as usual

Some akathisia feeling in my limbs and chest.
I’m very tired

 

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Rosetta

I woke up at 7 without a strong spike.  I was cold instead of hot.  Not sweaty.  Perhaps there was no hot flash.  I had been clenching my jaw.  Back to sleep.  I awakened with a stronger spike at 7:20.  Hot flash.  I’m still so tired.  I want to sleep again, but I don’t want to experience another spike.

 

I have been having cramps in my calves the last few nights.  This happened during my last wave.  Potassium deficiency perhaps?

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Rosetta

Four wake ups so far.  The first was around 12:30 am, I don’t know the time of the second, and the third was just before 5:00.  That one was the strongest.  The fourth was at 5:45.  That one was not as bad, but I am so, so tired of this.  The third made me sick to my stomach, and so did the fourth one.  The third made my heart ache like it would after I was frightened suddenly.  Exhausting.

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Erell

Oh dear, these cortisol spikes can really exhaust us !

I'm thinking of you, remember that we are here to support you ❤

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Frogie
23 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Four wake ups so far.  The first was around 12:30 am, I don’t know the time of the second, and the third was just before 5:00.  That one was the strongest.  The fourth was at 5:45.  That one was not as bad, but I am so, so tired of this.  The third made me sick to my stomach, and so did the fourth one.  The third made my heart ache like it would after I was frightened suddenly.  Exhausting.

Rosetta:

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Like Erell said, they are exhausting!

 

I hope you find some relief soon.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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Rosetta

Thanks @Frogie @Erell @Elyssa143 @Rabe

You are all so kind to write to me here.  I’m very lonely most of the time.

 

I did have two play dates the last week, and it was nice to talk to another adult besides my husband.  It was exhausting, and I had had little sleep, but it was still nice.  Reminding the kids to stay away from each other is a never ending issue.  It’s like having a toddler again who might hurt a baby if we are not constantly vigilant!  It really is.

 

Last night, I didn’t fall asleep.  Really amazing given his little sleep I have had.  Finally, at 2:00 am, I went to sleep after taking Benadryl, and I didn’t wake up in a cortisol spike.  At one point, I went to the bathroom, but I went right back to sleep.  At about 7:30 a.m, I awakened and anxiety began to build from there.  It was mild, and I have been able to have a normal day thus far.

 

I haven’t been taking supplements, but I’m think about trying magnesium or fish oil.

 

Yes, homeschooling it is for the next month and a half at least.  We have been working on English Language Arts all Sunner to catch up with what we missed last Fall.  We did some writing and research.  (It’s amazing, but kids are taught research in Third Grade.  They aren’t expected to learn it; it’s covered to expose them to the concept.  At this time, I am trying to get through what she missed after the school closed — grammar, phonics, spelling, Latin roots, suffixes, and prefixes.  Very little of that was covered in the “distance learning.”  
 

We have been ignoring math for a couple of months, and getting back to it is painful.    I’m trying to make it fun, but failing, I’m afraid.
 

School starts at the end of August, but we will all be at home until the end of September.  After that, the idea is that half of the kids will go to school for 1/2 of the day, and the other half will go in the afternoon.  I’m trying to “cross that bridge” when I come to it, but I’m sick with fear, frequently, that we will get sick or die if she goes back to school.  I’m not sure what I’ll do if the day comes whf. She’s suppose to go there.  We have the option of staying home, but the school forced us to choose one of the two plans about two weeks ago.  We didn’t want to choose full distance learning for the next 4 months without knowing what the situation might be in late August.  I hope we will stay home until January.
 

 

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta

i understand completely! I’m sorry your having to deal with the school situation as well. We’re doing online too Atleast for the first nine weeks. That’s stressful on top of how I feel already. The inner akasthia has been pretty relentless lately. I do have much better hours and some really good times but then back down again. The suicidal stuff is still here and makes things extremely hard :( I’m scared I won’t make it. The feeling of dread and inner akasthia in my chest is so hard too. I’m sure u can relate. 29 months, really holding onto that 3 year marks as this stuff will improve I pray. I can’t live forever like this. Hugs to u sweet lady, I’m always here to talk!!! I am glad u didn’t have the cortisol morning that’s huge!!!

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