Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Cheeky]

Hi Rosetta,

I have just read your thread and think you are one tough lady to have gone through Ct of antidepressants and being a mother the same time.

You always seem to give great advice to people on this site and I commend you on that. 

How do you do it !!!!

Your comments on other people have helped me alot, even though you dont know it.

stay strong your amazing

[Kristine]

Hey Lovely Rosetta,  I have just read your inspiring post to WR (hi WR!)...you are so inspiring, thoughtful and wise.  Your words make so much sense and it was just the boost I needed today. Thank you  K xo

[Rosetta]

Hard day, but it could have been worse like it was when I had Akathisia and constant anxiety.  My feelings are the worst part.  When I recount the day, it seems silly to have been so miserable all day.  Obviously a neuro emotional day.

 

Day 14 of my cycle.

 

My gastro system has stopped working again.  No discomfort, but no action either.  

Dystonia/muscle tension off and on -- upon awakening and coinciding with reading.

Cortisol very early this morning -- I moved from the bed I share with my daughter to her bedroom at this point, put on a sleep mask and eventually --after a lot of cortisol misery-- went back to sleep.  She kicks me too much for me to stay asleep in the bed with her after about 4:30 or 5 a.m.  If I stay Illhave 3 or 4 cortisol awakenings in one morning! It's very encouraging that I got back to sleep.  Maybe my solution is to move every night the first time I wake up.

It was dress like an animal day at school.  So, my daughter had ears on her headband, and I drew a little, black, kitty nose and whiskers on her face.  I'm glad I could rally to do that for her.

 

I volunteered in my daughter's classroom, and I was very irritated in general.  Nothing was really wrong, just me.

 

Depression? Anhedonia? A little of both?  -- all day.  This feels like what Downbutnotout describes.  I'm getting up, going out, getting sunshine, walking, eating, etc. -- all the things necessary to combat depression -- but I feel very depressed and I can't enjoy anything very much.  It must be a neurotransmitter problem.  This is all I did today:

 

I got my daughter ready for school and took her to school.

I volunteered in her class, and I walked home.

I went to lunch at an Irish pub and enjoyed the corned beef boxty quite a bit.  So, food tastes good today.  I had water only.

I had a mag bath last night; I had magnesium 2x today.

I walked to the school to pick up my daughter and walked her home.

I walked in the park alone, and I was very unhappy the whole time, but I did notice the beauty of the green grass and oak lined paths, and the creek and the sycamores with their white trunks and dead, brown leaves.  I'm still sad about the dead, white egret I found two days ago, but at least the body was gone today.  Yesterday, it was still there.  I had been enjoying seeing that egret for the last few months, and looked forward to my walks because I might see it.  I was pretty crushed to find it on the bank on Tuesday afternoon.

I did not go to gymnastics: I rested, but I read too much causing muscle tension.  I think my right eye is a real mess when I'm in a wave.  It's best if I don't use it or I get aches and tingles all up and down my right side in the same places as dystonia.

 

Headache tonight centered on my right eye -- took 2 ibuprophen.

 

I have to hope that doing all the right things will pay off soon.  I'm very, very tired.

 

 

[DrugfreeProf]

Rosetta, very sorry to hear about your continued suffering. Ditto, you are indeed very tough, and clearly, very smart!  Your posts are so eloquent--your brain sure does seem to be working well!  Thank you for all of the support you show to others in the midst of being in so much distress. 

[Dalalea]

41 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

all the things necessary to combat depression -- but I feel very depressed and I can't enjoy anything very much

This is what I'm experiencing right now, too. It just comes and goes randomly. I'm working my plan but it's discouraging. I'm hoping it starts lifting for you!

[Rosetta]

@DaveB @Kristine @DaveB @Cheeky @Dalalea @wantrelief

 

Thsnk you you for all your words of encouragement.  They are helping me get through.  I'll check in on you when I can.  Trying to avoid reading right now to keep the neck muscles softened.

[Downbutnotout]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hard day, but it could have been worse like it was when I had Akathisia and constant anxiety.  My feelings are the worst part.  When I recount the day, it seems silly to have been so miserable all day.  Obviously a neuro emotional day.

 

Day 14 of my cycle.

 

My gastro system has stopped working again.  No discomfort, but no action either.  

Dystonia/muscle tension off and on -- upon awakening and coinciding with reading.

Cortisol very early this morning -- I moved from the bed I share with my daughter to her bedroom at this point, put on a sleep mask and eventually --after a lot of cortisol misery-- went back to sleep.  She kicks me too much for me to stay asleep in the bed with her after about 4:30 or 5 a.m.  If I stay Illhave 3 or 4 cortisol awakenings in one morning! It's very encouraging that I got back to sleep.  Maybe my solution is to move every night the first time I wake up.

It was dress like an animal day at school.  So, my daughter had ears on her headband, and I drew a little, black, kitty nose and whiskers on her face.  I'm glad I could rally to do that for her.

 

I volunteered in my daughter's classroom, and I was very irritated in general.  Nothing was really wrong, just me.

 

Depression? Anhedonia? A little of both?  -- all day.  This feels like what Downbutnotout describes.  I'm getting up, going out, getting sunshine, walking, eating, etc. -- all the things necessary to combat depression -- but I feel very depressed and I can't enjoy anything very much.  It must be a neurotransmitter problem.  This is all I did today:

 

I got my daughter ready for school and took her to school.

I volunteered in her class, and I walked home.

I went to lunch at an Irish pub and enjoyed the corned beef boxty quite a bit.  So, food tastes good today.  I had water only.

I had a mag bath last night; I had magnesium 2x today.

I walked to the school to pick up my daughter and walked her home.

I walked in the park alone, and I was very unhappy the whole time, but I did notice the beauty of the green grass and oak lined paths, and the creek and the sycamores with their white trunks and dead, brown leaves.  I'm still sad about the dead, white egret I found two days ago, but at least the body was gone today.  Yesterday, it was still there.  I had been enjoying seeing that egret for the last few months, and looked forward to my walks because I might see it.  I was pretty crushed to find it on the bank on Tuesday afternoon.

I did not go to gymnastics: I rested, but I read too much causing muscle tension.  I think my right eye is a real mess when I'm in a wave.  It's best if I don't use it or I get aches and tingles all up and down my right side in the same places as dystonia.

 

Headache tonight centered on my right eye -- took 2 ibuprophen.

 

I have to hope that doing all the right things will pay off soon.  I'm very, very tired.

 

 

Yes, that’s what I feel 24/7. I’m glad you get breaks from it.   You’re doing so good. Probably because you tapered down correctly and didn’t ct. I think you have a really good chance at recovery. I think a lot of your motivation is that little girl you love so much. 

[Rosetta]

No @Downbutnotout, I didn't taper.  My "taper" was essentially a CT.  You are right, my child is a big part of this determination as I know yours is.  

 

Journal:

 

Today is much better.  

There is still a fair amount of anxiety, but it's manageable.  The anxiety started when my husband left at noon.

Yesterday I had a haf- caf coffee, and I had the same today.

Crying was due to a show I watched.  Probably not the best choice, but it gave a nice release of hormones for a bit.

Less muscle tension or dystonia -- reading less

Less depression

Gastrointestinal issues are still there.  This time it's diarrhea.

I had magnesium before bed last night.  So, I had it 3x yesterday.  That may be too much

No magnesium this morning.

No cortisol -- I switched beds in the night before 3 a.m. And my dsughter woke up and began to cry.  So, both my husband and I crawled into bed with her.  I slept ok after that with my eye pillow, and I woke up Without cortisol.

I didn't take my daughter to school in an effort to stay calm.

Now I have to go to pick her up.

 

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

3 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

No @Downbutnotout, I didn't taper.  My "taper" was essentially a CT.  You are right, my child is a big part of this determination as I know yours is.  

 

Journal:

 

Today is much better.  

There is still a fair amount of anxiety, but it's manageable.  The anxiety started when my husband left at noon.

Yesterday I had a haf- caf coffee, and I had the same today.

Crying was due to a show I watched.  Probably not the best choice, but it gave a nice release of hormones for a bit.

Less muscle tension or dystonia -- reading less

Less depression

Gastrointestinal issues are still there.  This time it's diarrhea.

I had magnesium before bed last night.  So, I had it 3x yesterday.  That may be too much

No magnesium this morning.

No cortisol -- I switched beds in the night before 3 a.m. And my dsughter woke up and began to cry.  So, both my husband and I crawled into bed with her.  I slept ok after that with my eye pillow, and I woke up Without cortisol.

I didn't take my daughter to school in an effort to stay calm.

Now I have to go to pick her up.

 

 

 

Oh I didn’t realize you ct. My children are quite grown. I’m pretty old. 67.5. I do have a grandson that I’m fond of who is 4. 

[Kristine]

Hey Lovely Rosetta,  I just read your update.  I'm pleased you are feeling a little better.  It is no wonder we refer to this as being on a roller coaster.  I just wish I could wrap you up in a w/d protection blanket.  How did the pick up go?  Do you have to mingle with other parents, talking small talk? Or are you able to avoid this? I think I'd have to hide behind a tree until the last minute!  Going through these battles whilst raising your six year old daughter is awe inspiring Rosetta  you are my hero! Love K xo

[Rosetta]

You could make a fortune with a w/d protection blanket, but then I'd have explain why I'm wearing a blanket in addition to my tin foil hat!!  Lol

 

Fortunately, pick up time is the best part of the day for me unless it's a really bad day.  I can fake it with the other moms, and most of them aren't very chatty anyway.  The majority of people drive through a pick up line.  Not too many park and get out to actually retrieve the kids.  There isn't enough parking for that.  Land is so outrageously expensive here that there is a lack of parking almost everywhere.  I have a friend who lives directly across the street from the school, and she lets me park on her land. I also walk through her property when we walk to school.  

 

This is is for the benefit of you "health professionals" out there who think you are "helping" women be better mothers by giving them these poisons:

 

Oh, yes a hero.  That's so,kind of you, Kristine.  I hope Inam.  I feel like a hero for raising my six year old through this Hell just about . . . Never.  It's incredibly hard, but it could be worse.  What if she were a tiny baby crying that desperate baby cry or the "colic" cry she had when she was about 1 month to 4 months old (her withdrawal).  I'm so grateful I didn't have severe symptoms then.  It's possible this is happening at the best time if there is ever a good time.  She old enough that I can explain it to her, and she kind of gets it.  It's still terrible and it causes me a lot of guilt and a sense of grieving for what these years at ages 4, 5 and 6 could have been.  I'm able to make the best of it for her with the help of my husband, but I'm not getting to enjoy much of it myself.  She can see that, too.  We can't hide our feelings from kids.  They can tell if we are faking it.  So, we try to be honest with her.  What's really sad is that I know her behavior as a result of my illness sometimes makes my symptoms worse.  That's incredibly difficult.  She picks up on it, too and she aploguzes!  That kills me.

 

So, for you "health professionals": I quite literally despise you for your deliberate ignorance, and I genuinely hope that you or someone you love gets hit with this so that you can feel the deep terror, intense sadness, outsized grief and overwhelming guilt that I feel.  And guess what: you are actually responsible for having helped do this to your loved one and any children s/he might have by being complicit in this whole greedy sham!  Aren't you proud?!

 

19 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hey Lovely Rosetta, 

 

[Kristine]

18 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

This is is for the benefit of you "health professionals" out there who think you are "helping" women be better mothers by giving them these poisons:

 

Oh, yes a hero.  That's so,kind of you, Kristine.  I hope Inam.  I feel like a hero for raising my six year old through this Hell just about . . . Never.  It's incredibly hard, but it could be worse.  What if she were a tiny baby crying that desperate baby cry or the "colic" cry she had when she was about 1 month to 4 months old (her withdrawal).  I'm so grateful I didn't have severe symptoms then.  It's possible this is happening at the best time if there is ever a good time.  She old enough that I can explain it to her, and she kind of gets it.  It's still terrible and it causes me a lot of guilt and a sense of grieving for what these years at ages 4, 5 and 6 could have been.  I'm able to make the best of it for her with the help of my husband, but I'm not getting to enjoy much of it myself.  She can see that, too.  We can't hide our feelings from kids.  They can tell if we are faking it.  So, we try to be honest with her.  What's really sad is that I know her behavior as a result of my illness sometimes makes my symptoms worse.  That's incredibly difficult.  She picks up on it, too and she aploguzes!  That kills me.

 

So, for you "health professionals": I quite literally despise you for your deliberate ignorance, and I genuinely hope that you or someone you love gets hit with this so that you can feel the deep terror, intense sadness, outsized grief and overwhelming guilt that I feel.  And guess what: you are actually responsible for having helped do this to your loved one and any children s/he might have by being complicit in this whole greedy sham!  Aren't you proud?!

Well said Rosetta! I really hope at least one "health professional" reads your powerful words. Much Love and hugs. K xo

[Kristine]

20 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

You could make a fortune with a w/d protection blanket, but then I'd have explain why I'm wearing a blanket in addition to my tin foil hat!!  Lol

LOL! Nice to have a laugh! Thank you  xo

[RealMe]

6 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

Today is much better.  

There is still a fair amount of anxiety, but it's manageable.

Hi Rosetta,

So glad you had a better day with a little less anxiety!

As far as health professionals giving poisons, they are going to have to hear the tumultuous cries of the people who are suffering at some point.  What happened to, "First, do no harm?"

xo RM

[Rosetta]

15 hours ago, RealMe said:

What happened to, "First, do no harm?"

xo RM

Oh, that.  Well, if you hear something often enough then you know the opposite is true.  Doctors having been doing harm for centuries. 

[Rosetta]

I believe that my anxiety in the early part of the day is linked somehow to the depression being deeper in the afternoon.  That's because I notice that if I have low anxiety in the morning I don't have the deeper form of depression in the afternoon/evening.  I'm trying to use a eye pillow to reduce the anxiety in the morning with the hope that the deep afternoon depression will lessen.

 

Also, I sometimes wake up with depression -- just like before my first AD.  That's a bit new for me in terms of this WD journey.  It used to be anxiety that was there upon first waking up.  I really hate waking up with depression especially if it's still dark.  It takes a lot of self talk to avoid the spiral and get back to sleep.  I an see thu s as a sign of healing once it's subsided.  Something has changed!  That's good.

 

Journal:

Yesterday was ok in the afternoon.  My daughter and I went for a walk in the park.  We saw a couple of duck pairs who are no doubt going to have little ducklings before long.  

In the evening I felt better and went to bed a little late.  I slept ok, and then I woke up with depression at 2:00 am.  The cat was crowding me and making me too hot.  So I fed her and put her out.  If I shut my bedroom door she will claw at the carpet.  I had to toss her out in the rain, poor thing, but she's not a pleasant cat at night if she doesn't get her way.

 

I took magnesium before bed. 

I used an eye pillow, and I slept until about 7:30 a.m. with my daughter next to me.  

I woke up without cortisol.

I had some anxiety before I got out of bed. 

I had a half-caf coffee for breakfast, eggs and toast.

The dystonia/muscle tension was there in my neck when I woke up, but it subsided after I had coffee.  (LINK there maybe?)

 

Today is a WINDOW.  I feel normal with normal cog function.  There's still a bit of anxiety.  It's a Saturday so it's not a day of rest.  Too much to do with the kiddo home.  My husband will take her to the gym later this afternoon and let her stay in the daycare for an hour or so.

[wantrelief]

Great news, Rosetta!  

[doxxigirl]

Hi Rosetta, Thought I'd stop by your thread and offer support.  "What is the slope of the line?  "It's positive,' 'And what does that mean?  'It means we make progress everyday'

 

You are awesome and doing great! Love Doxx

[Rosetta]

Thank you @doxxigirl and @wantrelief. It's nice to just be.  I'm trying to enjoy the day without expecting very much of myself.

[Kristine]

Hey Rosetta,  I am so pleased to hear you are having a window today  Big hugs. K xo

[Rosetta]

12 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hey Rosetta,  I am so pleased to hear you are having a window today  Big hugs. K xo

Thank you!

[Rosetta]

At 12 months and 2 weeks post CT/rapid taper here is a synopsis of my journey to survive AD withdrawal:

 

I'm the perfect example for why CT or medical professionals' recommended "tapers" are so dangerous and cruel.  I had no earthly idea that quitting my AD would do anything like this to me.  I'm not sure I would be here on Earth if I had not found this website that told me about AD WD and the fact that it will get better.  I was feeling bad enough when I found this site, and it got much, much worse after that.  Every new symptom made me doubt that it was WD until I looked here.  When I found others here who had symptoms of psychosis and Akathisia, and then recovered from them I found the strength to go on a little longer.

 

I am so much better!  It's been a terrifying experience, but the horror show has been over now for a couple of months.  I still have cortisol awakenings a little more than 50% of the time and anxiety on most days.  Occasionally, I feel fear and have crying spells due to the fear.  If that happens, I have a deep depression that sets in for many hours afterward.  There are many other less troubling symptoms.

 

I have a little girl.  She's 6.  I think I managed through the worst part because of her, mostly -- the fact that she needs her mother.  My husband helped me, believed in me, and believed SA, too.  That made my recovery thus far possible.  I think the other thing is that I have not touched another AD or benzo since last February, not one rescue dose.  I can't be the mother I want my daughter to have -- not yet -- but I'm doing ok now since the psychotic symptoms and Akathisia are gone.  Anhedonia and demotivation are a problem.

 

I have anhedonia, demotivation and a very uncomfortable muscle tension in the right side of my neck that is sometimes painful.  I think it's dystonia, and it's very slowly resolving.  It comes and goes, but it's usually present for part of every day.  It affects my arm, hand, fingers, hip, leg, foot and toes with a tingling feeling and slight muscle contraction or spasm.  I wake up with a short insomnia stint nearly every night.  Sometimes, I wake up in the night or in the morning with depression.  My gastrointestinal issues started since the DP and DR and akathisia ended.  These come and go.  Occasionally, I have a drop in blood pressure, and my vision blacks out when I stand up.  My appetite comes and goes.  I get very hungry occasionally.  I get very cold once in a while, but that's much more rare nowadays.  I don't have hot flashes any longer.  I have cog fog -- indecision, inability to sort or make order, difficulty thinking straight or understanding things.  My difficulty finding words is much better than it used to be.  I can watch TV or read a book without becoming afraid or having the overwhelming feeling that I am actually living what's happening to the characters.  I have a very low threshold for stress, I get easily overwhelmed, and I can be overstimulated easily by noise, touch, lights, conversation, wild weather or TV/movies.  In short, I'm ready for this WD to be over!!!

 

I found SA about 5-6 months after my "Taper" (of about 6 weeks.). Knowing that I had hope and that many people had experienced this syndrome helped me hold on especially when my condition continued to deteriorate.  Seeing that some of my most horrifying symptoms were WD and would not last changed everything for me.  I continued to develop or at least experience very scary new symptoms until the 9th or 10th month.  I had nothing and no one but this forum to tell me that I wasn't simply mad and always would be.

 

I still have moments of despair, but I'm working on "acceptance" and refusing to allow "second fear" to set in after I start to feel anxious or depressed. (Claire Weekes method of managing anxiety).  I use magnesium both orally and in a bath to try to manage anxiety, too.  I'm going through the "change," and I track my cycle in the hope that I can develop a schedule for my life that will help me go out more and maintain friendships.  Today is not a wide open window, but it's not the deep pit of a wave either.  It's very dissatisfying, but it's not a terror filled nightmare the way that Sept, Nov and Dec 2017 were.  For that I'm very grateful.

[Scorpio]

Hello rosetta

after your kind words to me I have just read your thread. It was enlightening and you are so eloquent in your description of this w/d nightmare. You have been so strong through this battle and it seems you get more and more better times. 

[Rosetta]

Today:

 

Slept in!! with my sleep mask

Cortisol upon awakening

Anxious but did a little housework

2 cups of tea with breakfast

magnesium 2x

Anxiety most of day

Went for walk

Alone time from 1:00-5:00

Muscle tensions in neck on and off

 

[Kristine]

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I still have moments of despair, but I'm working on "acceptance" and refusing to allow "second fear" to set in after I start to feel anxious or depressed. (Claire Weekes method of managing anxiety).  I use magnesium both orally and in a bath to try to manage anxiety, too.  I'm going through the "change," and I track my cycle in the hope that I can develop a schedule for my life that will help me go out more and maintain friendships.  Today is not a wide open window, but it's not the deep pit of a wave either.  It's very dissatisfying, but it's not a terror filled nightmare the way that Sept, Nov and Dec 2017 were.  For that I'm very grateful.

Thank you Rosetta for always describing your experiences through this hell with such accuracy and eloquence.  You help so many, including myself,  to navigate through this nightmarish labyrinth.  I feel blessed to have "met" you. Much Love K xo

[doxxigirl]

Amazing!  I'm soo happy for you, You give us all hope!

[Kristine]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Slept in!!

Yeah!!! Happy Dance  

[Rosetta]

Positive outcomes:

 

☼-rhiannons-intro-by-rhi

 

rhi-incremental-success

 

☼-alig-surviving

 

pug-my-story-including-ct-twice

 

pug-your-miracle-is-coming-hang-on

 

☼-hudgenss-story

 

hudgens-success-story

 

☼-happy2heal-hope-im-doing-this-right

[Gridley]

Good list, Rosetta.  I will copy and save.  Thanks.

[Rosetta]

2 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Good list, Rosetta.  I will copy and save.  Thanks.

ChessieCat's doing.  Thank you @ChessieCat

 

[Rosetta]

15 hours ago, Kristine said:

Thank you Rosetta for always describing your experiences through this hell with such accuracy and eloquence.  You help so many, including myself,  to navigate through this nightmarish labyrinth.  I feel blessed to have "met" you. Much Love K xo

 

21 hours ago, Scorpio said:

Hello rosetta

after your kind words to me I have just read your thread. It was enlightening and you are so eloquent in your description of this w/d nightmare. You have been so strong through this battle and it seems you get more and more better times. 

 

14 hours ago, doxxigirl said:

Amazing!  I'm soo happy for you, You give us all hope!

 

Thanks guys. It's nice to see that I give you hope.  There has been a lot of improvement.  To someone who is as unstable as I was  in November it must look like heaven.  I don't emphasize the extent of the emotional stuff much, but perhaps I should be more forthcoming.

[Rosetta]

The emotional stuff is extremely intense right now.  I don't know what to make of it.  I'm definitely having changes in my brain happening rapidly, but it's actually frightening.  It's very difficult to manage my response to these events.  At times, I just have to let it wash over me.  I feel more sensitive instead of less, actually, and more unpredictable, and more afraid of my own mind and what it's going to do.  I'm trying to withdraw more to protect myself.  So, I might be less active for a while.  

 

I'm struggling with the effect that the suffering of others has on me at time when my emotions are often very intense.  At other times they are nearly non-existent which is also quite distressing.  I'm feeling a lot of grief during the anhedonia and a very strong sense of  loss. I have good emotions so rarely, and they are short-lived.  I'm trying to think of or find ways to deal with this.

 

Maybe be this is PMS being intensified by WD?  Maybe it's just my version of the 12 month wave? 

 

I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to be allowed to rest, but that's impossible in my situation.  I'm pulling back as much as I dare from everything I can.  My husband can take my daughter to see her grandmother without me, but then I feel a deep sense of loss.  So, I'm trying to be ok with that and accept it in the hopes that if I rest my healing time will be shorter overall.  It's still painful.  

 

I'm trying to avoid going to the school in the morning, but it's a hard balance as I tend to isolate in the house more if I don't go in the morning.  I barely get my walk in by 5:30, and I don't shower as often.  Maybe I just need to push myself more in the afternoon when anxiety is less likely to get high.  That's a better time to push myself.

 

In the night, I woke up for my usual short insomnia jaunt, and I did not feel terribly depressed, but only a little.  My mother popped into my mind then.  How I hate her!  The damn computer turned itself on for an update again.  That's why I woke up.  I'm ready to unplug it. 

 

Today was a day with no cortisol wake up, and I slept later than 5:30 or 6.  I've been using the eye mask to avoid the light on my eyes, and it's working.  My daughter is sick so I let her sleep to 7:30 and go to school late.  I also slept to 7:30.  After she went to school I began crying.  I felt afraid again.  I had a hard cry and told my husband all my fears.  He tried to make me feel better.

 

I think I'm afraid of my own brain.  I feel it's a foreign thing that doesn't belong to me.  It has a mind of its own, and it's trying to hurt me.  It's like walking on eggshells in a house with an unpredictable and abusive parent.  I know all about that.  It might sound silly to feel this way about my own brain, but it's something I have to depend on, and it's unreliable and sometimes cruel -- just exactly like my mother.  That's probably what this all boils down to -- those horrible, greedy, ignorant and irresponsible doctors gave me a drug that has left me in the same place I was at 15.  It's beyond torture -- it's my worst nightmare -- being back in that position of being dependent on a self-centered, abusive and cruel thing from which I cannot get away.

 

i didn't write this post expecting to end up there.  Not at all, but unless I'm too enamoured with my own analysis I think that, at least for me, that's what WD is from an emotional standpoint -- living with an abuser and having, literally, no way out.  The trick must to find a way to placate the thing.  That's really all I can do.

[DaveB]

13 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

The emotional stuff is extremely intense right now.  I don't know what to make of it.  I'm definitely having changes in my brain happening rapidly, but it's actually frightening.  It's very difficult to manage my response to these events.  At times, I just have to let it wash over me.  I feel more sensitive instead of less, actually, and more unpredictable, and more afraid of my own mind and what it's going to do.  I'm trying to withdraw more to protect myself.  So, I might be less active for a while.  

 

I'm struggling with the effect that the suffering of others has on me at time when my emotions are often very intense.  At other times they are nearly non-existent which is also quite distressing.  I'm feeling a lot of grief during the anhedonia and a very strong sense of  loss. I have good emotions so rarely, and they are short-lived.  I'm trying to think of or find ways to deal with this.

 

Maybe be this is PMS being intensified by WD?  Maybe it's just my version of the 12 month wave? 

 

I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to be allowed to rest, but that's impossible in my situation.  I'm pulling back as much as I dare from everything I can.  My husband can take my daughter to see her grandmother without me, but then I feel a deep sense of loss.  So, I'm trying to be ok with that and accept it in the hopes that if I rest my healing time will be shorter overall.  It's still painful.  

 

I'm trying to avoid going to the school in the morning, but it's a hard balance as I tend to isolate in the house more if I don't go in the morning.  I barely get my walk in by 5:30, and I don't shower as often.  Maybe I just need to push myself more in the afternoon when anxiety is less likely to get high.  That's a better time to push myself.

 

In the night, I woke up for my usual short insomnia jaunt, and I did not feel terribly depressed, but only a little.  My mother popped into my mind then.  How I hate her!  The damn computer turned itself on for an update again.  That's why I woke up.  I'm ready to unplug it. 

 

Today was a day with no cortisol wake up, and I slept later than 5:30 or 6.  I've been using the eye mask to avoid the light on my eyes, and it's working.  My daughter is sick so I let her sleep to 7:30 and go to school late.  I also slept to 7:30.  After she went to school I began crying.  I felt afraid again.  I had a hard cry and told my husband all my fears.  He tried to make me feel better.

 

I think I'm afraid of my own brain.  I feel it's a foreign thing that doesn't belong to me.  It has a mind of its own, and it's trying to hurt me.  It's like walking on eggshells in a house with an unpredictable and abusive parent.  I know all about that.  It might sound silly to feel this way about my own brain, but it's something I have to depend on, and it's unreliable and sometimes cruel -- just exactly like my mother.  That's probably what this all boils down to -- those horrible, greedy, ignorant and irresponsible doctors gave me a drug that has left me in the same place I was at 15.  It's beyond torture -- it's my worst nightmare -- being back in that position of being dependent on a self-centered, abusive and cruel thing from which I cannot get away.

 

i didn't write this post expecting to end up there.  Not at all, but unless I'm too enamoured with my own analysis I think that, at least for me, that's what WD is from an emotional standpoint -- living with an abuser and having, literally, no way out.  The trick must to find a way to placate the thing.  That's really all I can do.

 

I am sorry for your struggles Rosetta, this place will be far less caring, warm, compassionate and uplifting if you are less active, but you need to do what is best for YOU!

[Rosetta]

I'm beginning to wonder if the longer days in Spring are messing with me.  I've been suffering WD for literally years since my switch to Zoloft in 2011, and my husband noticed many years ago that Spring is very difficult for me.  I thought it was hormonal, but now I'm thinking its WD being exacerbated by the lengthening days.  If so, it has settled out every year.  

 

Circadian rhythm is a big factor in mental health so it makes sense.  See the topic below, Healing's post on the first page for this idea, and Altostrat's comment below that.  It's quite probable Spring is making us worse as the pituitary is doing its thing and all the other responses are out of character for a normal person's CNS.  Maybe these glasses are a solution!

 

 

 

[Scorpio]

Hi rosetta

im so sorry you are going through this very hard time but like everything else in w/d it will pass. You are one strong lady that has already fought so much you will fight this period too. My thoughts are with you. 

[Cheeky]

Rosetta, my heart goes out to you . I know you will heal , lit just takes time. Please look after yourself xxxxx