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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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mirage

@Rosetta Take the time you need when you need it and know that you will be able to do more soon. 

 

Sending hugs, prayers and good wishes for you. 

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Rosetta

Thanks @wantrelief. I will read Pug's update.  

 

I took one ibuprophen tab to see if that will help me sleep tonight.

 

Last night, sleep was ok.  I heated my shoulder wrap once but had no problem going back to sleep.  

 

However, I woke up at 6:00 -- a new wave must have started then.  I'm not sure I slept again after that.  I lay there and worried.  All day I had akathisia.  

 

My friend brought her two boys over to visit.  They irritated me - they are 4 and 6.  They aren't nice to each other.  They touch everything; they break things, it's very hard to have them here, but I cancelled on her last week, and she's the most loyal friend I have.  She's so kind to me.  I don't want to neglect her just because her kids are annoying.  However, I found it very difficult to have them here -- even outside.  

 

The aka is in my arms, legs and my jaw and neck.  Ringing in my ears.  My mind is racing.

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Rosetta

Aka hasn't let up.  It's been at least 24 hours with no break.  I'm having a hard time avoiding panic.  I had a break in the evening two evenings ago.

 

Sleep last night wasn't great, but I didn't have strong cortisol spikes.  The feeling of fear and intense anxiety never stopped and yet I slept.  I heated my shoulder wrap once.  

 

I'm trying to remember that this will stop at some point.  I'm trying not to spiral.  It's very difficult.  I want to die and yet, of course, I don't want that at all.  I want this feeling to stop.  That's what I want.  I can't believe there is nothing I can take.  

 

The last bout of aka and this one are the most intense I have had since November, I think.  

 

Moderators  Would taking Benadryl be an option or would that backfire?  I read that red wine helps some people with aka.  Is Benadryl a better option than trying wine?  I'm not sure how much more I can handle if I don't get relief today.

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brassmonkey

Hi Rosetta--  I'm so sorry that you're having so much trouble right now. You've said yourself that it will get better, and it will, it's just a real trial getting through it.  Do what you can to try and relax, every little bit helps.

 

I would avoid the wine, alcohol is so unpredictable when one is in a bad wave.  The first time it may help calm things but the second could easily go the other way and make things a lot worse.

 

Your signature says you  occasionally took Unisom last year, how did it affect you when you did?  Unisom is just benadryl in a different package.  Other members have had a full range of responses to benadryl so it's really hard to give an exact answer.  You might try a site search to get some more information.  But I'd be careful with it also.

 

Brass

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FarmGirlWorks

Hey @Rosetta, so so sorry to hear you are in the roughness with this crap. I have to keep reminding myself that I felt better last week (or sometime) and that I will again. From your thread, that seems true as well as there have been times when you've improved so much. One step forward, two back, and so on and so on. * As per Benadryl (did not know that Unisom was essentially that), I did use it this winter *occasionally* in the morning if my hands were shaking and sometimes to get to sleep. Was wary of it though as this site is against its use and it messes with histamines; stopped as soon as possible (a few months ago). If Unisom worked for you then maybe... gut feeling is to stay away from the alcohol. * Hope you feel better soon, so much.

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Rosetta

Thank you, Brassmonkey.  It has been since before the New Year that I took Unisom.  It helped me sleep, and I had no anxiety upon awakening.  Instead, I felt groggy.  don't know if using Unisom had negative effects last year or not because I was such a mess back then!!  I was having terrible, terrible aka until about the second week of December.  I honestly don't remember when I stopped using Unisom.  When I did use it, I took it once every two or three days.  What scares me is that using it will set my progress back or cause even a temporary bad experience.

 

Right now, I seem to be sleeping ok despite the aka.  Maybe I'm sleeping due to exhaustion.  Once the sun is down I am toast.  This morning, I was intensely anxious.  After I wrote the post I got my child ready for camp and went in the car with her.  We dropped her off and tried to get coffee, but the new coffee place was awful.  They roast their own beans, and they didn't roast these long enough.

 

My husband took me to breakfast somewhere else, and I broke down in tears in the place.  That fear and feeling of missing my child's life -- that feeling that I was in imminent danger of losing her became extremely intense.  I call that aka for lack of a better word -- it's accompanied by a physical feeling of electric vibration in my arms and legs and muscle tension in my neck and shoulders.  The riskRx website calls that aka, but I'm sure there should be a new name for it because most people would not find that definition.  As bad as I felt this morning, while in this restaurant it became its most intense.  It is perhaps a severe lack of GABA?  An extreme level of glutamate?  It would seem that Benadryl is the best antidote (besides time.)

 

After I cried I didn't feel better immediately.  It was about 20 minutes later that I felt somewhat better and about 2 hours or so when the aka calmed enough that I felt I could endure it.  

 

Thank you, too, @FarmGirlWorks. Yes, you are probably right.  

 

Now I feel back to WD normal.  I hope it lasts a while.

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Im so sorry you have been going through such a hard time. Akathisia really is the worst withdrawal symptom ever. When it’s bad you just can’t settle. I crochet all day long just to get me through the day when it’s bad so that I don’t go nuts. I also watch one tv series after another. It takes me no time to get through a whole series. 

 

It must be hard having a young child and feeling like you’re missing out on her life. Sometimes we do need a good cry.  Im glad you found a nice friend, sorry the kids annoyed you though. 

 

I hope your WD normal lasts for a while too and you get a bit of reprieve.

 

Sending hugs🤗💚

 

 

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Rosetta

Thanks, Carmie.

 

Tonight, I'm feeling ok.  Sad, but ok.

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Carmie
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, Carmie.

 

Tonight, I'm feeling ok.  Sad, but ok.

 

Glad your feeling okay today, 

 

Yes, this definitely is a sad journey. We can just take each moment as it comes. Sometimes we have to submerge like a submarine when the waves are too severe, but that submarine always rises back to the surface again at some stage. While submerged we just have to keep distracting ourselves. 

 

Just take each moment as it as it comes and try and get through it, that’s all we can do. 

 

Sending you massive big hugs🤗🤗🤗

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Songbird

 

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Would taking Benadryl be an option or would that backfire?  I read that red wine helps some people with aka.  Is Benadryl a better option than trying wine? 

 

I know that diphenhydramine (the drug in Unisom and Benadryl) is sometimes used by doctors to treat akathisia.  I don't have experience with it but there's a bit more info here: antihistamines for withdrawal insomnia diphenhydramine doxylamine hydroxyzine

 

I do have some experience with alcohol - in withdrawal it triggers anxiety for me.

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DMV64
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Sad, but ok.

I have this feeling alot. A kind of quiet sadness. I think it is almost like I miss myself.

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Rosetta
10 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

I have this feeling alot. A kind of quiet sadness. I think it is almost like I miss myself.

 

Yes, I miss myself, and I miss being able to share myself with others.   Someday . . .

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Rosetta

Thank you, Songbird.  I read through that, too.  Maybe next time I'll try it.

 

Last night was ok -- typical insomnia for a short while in the night.  I had to turn on the air conditioning and warm my shoulder wrap twice.  Overall, I slept well.  I had no cortisol spikes and I woke up with less anxiety.

 

There is still no Mother Nature, but I wonder if that bout with aka was initiated by a hormone change too slight to start the process.  However, it's very strange how I could have such intense aka when the hormones are less effective.  

 

(Thanks, Carmie.  I'm still avoiding threads.)

 

Everyone, I'm thinking of each of you even if I can't read threads.  

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jonnypeters1234567

Well done for getting so far Rosetta. Do you still suffer from emotional blunting?

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Rosetta

(Jonny, I answered on your thread.)

 

I wrote this synopsis of the first year of withdrawal for me:

 

I quit in mid-February after a fast taper, and WD wasn't terrible until July.  So, about 4 months passed before I was desperately ill.  There were many signs of WD in those months, but I had no idea WD could happen with ADs.  So, I believed for a long while that I had delayed WD.  I'm not sure about that now.  However, the first month or so was better than being on the medication or at least it seemed that way.  Then, I started to get dystonia and worsening anxiety as well as problems with my digestion, appetite, chills, sweats, and a lot of other strange symptoms that paraded through.   Most of them are intermittent and have become less severe.

 

The 5th month, July, was when I realized I was in trouble.  My mental health became steadily worse in August, September, and October. I understand now that worsening Akathisia was a major part of this ordeal.  Insomnia did not seem to be a huge issue, but I suspect that I had very little quality sleep.  By October I was experiencing DP, DR, and SI essentially everyday.  I had found SA in July, but my cognition was very poor, and I understood only the basics: time will heal, do not reinstate late, you are not psychotic, you are not bi-polar, just hold on for dear life until you want to live again -- it will happen!  

 

I could not even join the site because I was terrified of the people here -- even the moderators.  I was terrified of almost everything in life.  I still have no idea how I survived, but I have a child who was 5 when I quit ADs.  So, I gave SAs theories a chance for her.  

 

November, month 9, was the worst, and then I had a window in early December.  I started to see improvement after that.   It would be snatched away periodically, of course, but then a window would arrive.  The waves became a bit shorter and the windows a bit longer.  In mid-February, the one year point, I was still struggling with pretty severe anxiety off and on.  Now, I have Akathisia and severe anxiety occasionally such as once a week for a day or so.  Sometimes it's particularly bad, but usually it's not panic inducing.  Lately, it has been panic inducing.  I hope that's about to stop.

 

The dystonia continues to improve more and more with the end of every wave.  That's the symptom that consistently reminds me that I'm improving steadily.  The continuing resolution of dystonia gives me hope that all the other symptoms will resolve soon too.

 

Based on the rate of progress from December to February I'm surprised at how much trouble I'm having now.  But, this is not linear and the rate of change is not steady.

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Hazel
5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

Yes, I miss myself, and I miss being able to share myself with others.   Someday . . .

I can totally relate to this Rosetta.  I really miss the easy way I could relate to others and really enjoy my time with them.

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Rabe

I feel you share yourself far more than you feel you do Rosetta...you write beautiful, insightful, honest posts of your feelings and thoughts and hopes and fears.  I kind of feel this is like the runway for an airplane...we can share here because we are sharing with others who understand/  Once we get up to speed again we will fly and share ourselves more freely again....

You are most special!  Continue to take care of you...💜

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Rosetta

Thank you, Hazel.  @Hazel I'm sorry you feel that.  It's very sad.  Someday we will feel completely normal. 

 

Rabe, thanks for always having something kind to say.  It is so important that we have others who understand.  I could not go through this without that.  I feel so odd and uncomfortable as it is, and to know this is common for others and will pass is keeping me going.

 

Journal: 

Yesterday, I was quite anxious until about 1:00.  I took a shower at 12:30, and that relaxed me some.  We went to my mother in laws.  It was cold there because of a storm off the coast.  So, I was inside all day.  At my house it was a beautiful sunny day, but oh well.  I had dinner with my mother in law while my husband went to play music with some friends and then my daughter and drove home alone.  

 

My sleep last night was ok.  Typical wake up at about 12:30.  I had a slight spike because I had not heard my husband come home, but once I found he was there the anxiety dissipated, and I fell asleep again.  I heated my wrap only twice.  I was enjoying the breeze coming through the window and the sounds of the night so I didn't close the window or draw the blind.  I woke up with tension in my right shoulder and neck due to the light and the crows' incessant cawing.  Yet, I had no cortisol spike.  

 

Today, I feel anxious, sad, etc., etc.. Same old same old.  Trying to ignore it.  House a mess.  Afraid to try to fix it, blah, blah, blah.  I keep thinking: I'm just going to tackle a corner, throw some things away, pack things up for Goodwill, etc.. Someday, I will.  Eventually, I will be able to make a difference here.  

 

I guess I'm in the trough of depression that seems to arrive after a bad anxiety/aka wave.

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