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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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Rosetta

@Rabe

It was very hard to get myself together to go yesterday.  I find it so difficult to pull together all the things we will need.  This is some kind of issue with the way my brain (doesn't) work in WD.  What should be simple and uneventful becomes overwhelming.  It was about 2:00 before we left to go, but we did it.  And I was able to sit on the beach and watch my husband and daughter play.  Then I built a sand castle with my daughter.  We walked up the beach to meet my husband later and went to my MILs for a while.  This morning, I am again struggling to get going.  With my daughter being home this week I'm trying to take her places so we don't stay in my cluttered house that makes me feel so confused and upset.

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Rosetta

Thanks Carmie and Mirage for your sweet notes.

 

Last night's sleep was not good.  My daughter was very active in her sleep.  With the heat, I don't have a good solution for this matter of sleeping in her bed with her.  Not one that I have the energy to implement.  However, I did sleep past my normal 1:30-2:00 am wake up.  It was after 3:00 when my daughter started thrashing about.  I was awake for about 2 hours constantly trying to fight off spiraling thoughts.  I woke up around 9 or so with her thrashing about again.  I suppose over all I slept enough, but it was an unpleasant experience.  

 

I woke up with anxiety, and then after I got up I felt OK, but while I was using SA my husband was waiting for me to eat the breakfast he made for me.  That caused me anxiety.  Then, he got irritated that my daughter wouldn't eat a sausage patty because it was too chewy compared to a sausage link!  That caused me anxiety.  My husband started helping me figure out what time we need to leave the house today in order to take him to the beach before we go to a water park, and I got completely overwhelmed.   So, this morning I had a mini-melt down.

 

I'm trying to avoid the news.  I never feel better after reading it, only worse.  There's nothing I can do about anything right now and it does me no good to know about all the issues.  The way the headlines and the news are written is designed to cause anxiety.  I don't need any more of that!!  It is very hard to avoid looking at the news websites.  I feel disconnected from the world, but I know it's better for me.  I decided that when I saw that those Thai kids were out of that cave I would stop reading the news.  They are out, and today is my first day of cold turkey!!  I'm determined to see if I can feel better by avoiding the news!

 

So, now I need to get all the stuff together to go out today.

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Carmie

I totally agree with you Rosetta, 

 

Stay away from the news. I’m not a tv watcher so I never know what’s happening unless I’m at someone’s place and they have the tv on. I watch DVDs and Netflix. Why would you want to wTch all the stress that’s happening around the world. We’ve got enough to deal with.

 

Sorry you had an overwhelming day, hope the next day is better💚💚

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Rosetta

I woke up from a bad dream and a strong cortisol spike at 7:30 this morning.  My dream had horrible elements -- abandonment, betrayal, SI, self-harm, having to move my home, being alone emotionally, and some other negatives that I can't articulate.  I woke feeling like a terrified little child who had lost her parents and her best friend was leaving her.  I've been crying since I woke up.  It's not a hard cry.  It's just tears.  That's an improvement.  The cortisol is slowly wearing off.  It's sunny outside.

 

I have that feeling of being emotionally disconnected from my husband.  I miss him terribly, and he's right here everyday.  In my dream he had found someone else.  I was devastated.  The years of me being confused and anxious had taken a toll, and he fell in love with another woman.  I wanted to die.  It was so real.  I'm not worried I'll lose him that way in real life, but I am constantly worried he will have an accident.  

 

There was a lot of abandonment and betrayal in my life as a child.  I really thought I could grow up and run away from all that.  I thought I could make my own life, and I have.  Yet, the fear remains.  I often wonder if I would feel it this strongly if not for the WD.  I suppose not.  These are neuro-emotions.  

 

I've been a perfectionist because of all the chaos of my childhood.  It's made it hard for me to feel that I've done enough.  This overwhelming feeling that something terrible will happen because I can't keep my house in order is back and it's pretty strong.  I keep using CBT.  Everything is ok.  It's not ideal.  It's not comfortable, but it's ok.  It will get better.  

 

As to fake anxiety

 

In the past, I did so many things that other people were amazed by.  I was fearless.  I had normal anxiety that spurred me to make changes and get off my tail when I needed to.  This is fake anxiety.  However, our brains try to make sense of it.  So, we are constantly seeing danger everywhere.  Nothing is comfortable.  Even little things are upsetting and confusing.  It's fake, but that's very hard to internalize.  I read somewhere that the body reacts to danger before the mind and it sends the signal to the mind to react.  That makes sense.  We hear a sound or smell something without even realizing it.  But the information goes to the brain, and it reacts quickly to get us up, at attention and moving automatically.  That's what's happening -- at random -- for no reason -- over and over again.  It's exhausting.

I want to care for my husband better.  I'm worried about his health.  I'm worried that all this clutter is harming him.  He's stressed.  I want to make things better for him.   Someday I'll be able to do that.  I hope it's not too late.

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FarmGirlWorks
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I woke up from a bad dream and a strong cortisol spike at 7:30 this morning.  My dream had horrible elements -- abandonment, betrayal, SI, self-harm, having to move my home, being alone emotionally, and some other negatives that I can't articulate.

((((((((((((((( Rosetta ))))))))))))))

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Rosetta

Thanks @FarmGirlWorks. I really appreciate that.  Constantly trying to forget about it and redirect.

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FarmGirlWorks

Good strategy, Rosetta. Redirecting definitely helps. I've been reading Success Stories more than usual recently as they help me stay on this path. Got a response today from pug who I find inspiring as he did a CT from sertraline and recovered.

 

 

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Rosetta

It's almost 2:00 pm, and I still have tension in my face, jaw and arms.  This happened yesterday, too, but it went away in the late afternoon.

 

Still able to avoid the news!! Yea!

 

(Thank you so much @FarmGirlWorks. I wrote on your thread.)

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Rabe

@RosettaIm sorry you struggled last night, this morning and during the day, Rosetta. 

I am seeing that the traumas and feelings/emotions/physical symptoms of them have been there for years really but I didnt realize it.  I too was a perfectionist(now I cant do anything seems)...vacuuming was my thing...so long as things looked tidy and neat around me, because I am very visual, it made me feel tidy and neat and ok inside as well.  I ran on cortisol much of my life.

I wake nearly every morning thinking about home and how alone and lost and abandoned I feel....and some of that is real...and the tears start...again.  

 

I wonder if you have lost people in your life that have been like parents, if your fear of losing your best friend is linked to your husband and those thoughts?

 

I did run away from it all for years..he but was like being on a treadmill...just running endnote getting very far.  I think the emotions of the traumas and all are very real and are connected to physical symptoms as well.  I think the emotions are much stronger now because I am not fearlessly rushing through life to cover up my fear...which is what I did.  When all this forced me to stop, the fear Ive had all along and took pills for was still there.  

 

That little girl lives on inside of me... and reminds me of her feelings through dreams and physical and emotional feelings etc.  Im not sure when or how that will ever get better, especially now.  But I believe that healing will come....for you, for me, for others....its never too late..

 

You are so so special...and these feelings, I think, are coming up for a reason now...think it all happens when its right.

 

Thinking about you!💜

 

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Rosetta

@Rabe. You always know the right thing to say.  I wrote out a timeline of all the places I've lived and all the stressors I've had over the years.  Wow!  It's been a really awful ride.  I am in a much better place today even if I feel "off" and uncomfortable most of the time in my own home.  I'm glad I've been in the same place for almost 8 years.  Maybe I can make this feel like a home.  I'm sure that in 6 months everything will look brighter for both of us.

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Carmie
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

@Rabe. You always know the right thing to say.  I wrote out a timeline of all the places I've lived and all the stressors I've had over the years.  Wow!  It's been a really awful ride.  I am in a much better place today even if I feel "off" and uncomfortable most of the time in my own home.  I'm glad I've been in the same place for almost 8 years.  Maybe I can make this feel like a home.  I'm sure that in 6 months everything will look brighter for both of us.

 

I totally agree with you there Rosetta, 

 

@Rabe certainly knows the right thing to say. She’s always so encouraging. 

 

I hope that you’re able to make your house a home in time too. 

 

Sending hugs💚💚

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Rosetta

Journal:

 

Yesterday, the day got better.  By evening I felt ok.  We got some sushi, and I bought 3 outfits for school at a sale.  That's an improvement.  I found shopping for school very hard last year.  Quite a bit of what I bought online was too big so I had to go to the stores.  This year we will need less because I kept the stuff that didn't work last year.  

 

Sleep last night was ok.  The usual wake up at about 2:00 was probably accompanied by a cortisol spike.  I felt very anxious for quite a while about failing as a mother, the state of my house, being unable to have people over (except one friend who understands.)  I'm worried about my daughter having friends outside of school time, etc.. Feeling very inadequate.  I heated the shoulder wrap twice and finally feel back asleep.  

 

The anxiety was less this morning.  Laundry has piled up.  Nothing to wear.  Don't want to face finding clothes so that we can go out.  

 

I did feel motivation, earlier this morning before my daughter got up, to tackle the mess.  That's a good sign.  I didn't do it because  I was afraid of getting upset and having everyone wake up to me being in a bad mood.  But it's a good sign that I felt the motivation and the clear head to do something!  As soon as my daughter was up I felt overwhelmed as she started pulling things out to draw on, etc..

 

This is a frequent feeling -- her activity in pulling things out from where ever they are stuffed causes me a lot of anxiety.  I can't get ahead because it's not just me here.  I really don't like myself when I start telling her to stop and just leave things where they are.  I feel that's not fair to her, but there is no organization.  Well, not much.  So, I feel I can't expect her to put things back when she's done  I do, but it feels unfair and who knows where she puts them?  Then, I start to worry that I'm ruining her by not teaching her to take care of her things.  I feel so very guilty about that.  Sigh.  Someday my brain will work properly for more than just a few minutes or hours!!!

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Rosetta

A new phase of withdrawal for me?

 

When a wave comes it seems to erase all memory of having had a window!  You know you had one like you know what you read in a history textbook, but as far as you are aware the window never happened -- on an emotional level.  It's very discouraging.  I feel depressed when I feel myself going back into a wave.  Just remember that you will feel better and better as you go lower on the Wellbutrin.  There will come a day when a wave doesn't feel so bad.  It's just a blip.  I felt so upset when felt a wave coming on a few days ago, but it didn't get deep!!  I was so surprised.  It hasn't been bad yet.  I simply fluctuate throughout the day and feel pretty crummy in the middle of the night.  This is brand new!

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wantrelief
23 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I felt so upset when felt a wave coming on a few days ago, but it didn't get deep!!

This sounds like you are making great strides in your recovery with the waves getting lighter.....someday there will be no more waves, just a wide open window.  Thinking about you - WR.

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RusTW
On 1/15/2018 at 10:42 AM, Rosetta said:

Hi Kesh,

 

Its so nice that you visited my thread.  Thank you.

 

Did the cortisol spike CAUSE the Akathisia -- set it in motion?  It certainly could.  For us in WD it seems that any release of a hormone or a neurotransmitter can result in a sequence of signals and the eventual improper release of cortisol or adrenaline or glutamate.  Theoretically, in "virgin" brains, anxiety and Akathisia may be caused by different mechanisms or neurotransmitters or hormones but for us, we are dealing with brains and CN systems that don't operate properly.  As I understand it, GABA is supposed to be managing the results of adrenaline spikes and cortisol releases, but in our systems there isn't a balance that keeps us level.  There isn't enough GABA or there isn't an ability to process the GABA.  Without GABA's calming effect neither the effects of cortisol or adrenaline or glutamate are being smoothed out.  So, anxiety and physical Akathisia and "Akathisia of the mind" -- whatever that is; it's certainly different and more horrible than even "intense" anxiety, imo -- are running unchecked and rampant.  

 

My cortisol spikes were awful, awful, awful!  I would wake up with a huge shot of adrenaline to my heart.  I suspect yours are different?  Instead of head zaps I had these shots of adrenaline.  It wasn't an electrical zap.  However, it was physical almost as if I was on a movie set in an ER after having a heart attack.  You know in the movies when the doctor uses a syringe of adrenaline as a last resort to start the heart?  Just like that.  At some point, I read about hypnic jerks when falling asleep.  Perhaps this was something like those, but I don't recall what I read causes the hypnic jerks.  Whatever it was, I came to the point that I dreaded nightfall although at nightfall I felt less anxious.  I dreaded it because of the fact that morning would come with cortisol spikes.

 

I made a mistake: I started jogging in the morning to reduce the anxiety caused by the cortisol "spike," I got relief from the cortisol - temporarily.  Akathisia would come on after the initial relief from the the morning cortisol spike WITHOUT that feeling of a shot to the heart.  Therefore, Akathisia and cortisol spikes were separate occurrences for me until I stopped jogging.  Then, the cortisol spike was being followed by the Akathisia.  Ultimately, I read that intense exercise raises cortisol and the light went on.  I suspect that I got endorphins or endocanabinoids from jogging, and those calmed me until the increase in cortisol set off the cascade that led to Akathisia.  Cortisol set off the system that uses glutamate or maybe the altering system that uses adrenaline.  Where is the line between anxiety and Akathisia of the mind?  I don't know.  It seems to me to be a continuum at least for those of us in WD.

 

My best,

Rosetta

 I just recently I just recently had a window that ended with a lot of exercise and drinking caffeine and started the wave so I think that this theory about too much exercise is right it causes withdrawals to start happening again

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RusTW

 I think I think that too much exercise and caffeine I'm mixed with exercise cause me to go back into a wave in my withdrawal process so I think that there is a limit of how much you can do physically and different types of allergies to food or caffeine

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Songbird
6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

When a wave comes it seems to erase all memory of having had a window!  You know you had one like you know what you read in a history textbook, but as far as you are aware the window never happened -- on an emotional level.  It's very discouraging.  

 

This is because the brain doesn't understand anything but the present.  Whatever it is feeling right now feels permanent.  Sometimes it helps to remind myself of that - it's a quirk of the brain.

 

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

This is a frequent feeling -- her activity in pulling things out from where ever they are stuffed causes me a lot of anxiety.  I can't get ahead because it's not just me here.  I really don't like myself when I start telling her to stop and just leave things where they are.  I feel that's not fair to her, but there is no organization.  Well, not much.  So, I feel I can't expect her to put things back when she's done  I do, but it feels unfair and who knows where she puts them?  Then, I start to worry that I'm ruining her by not teaching her to take care of her things.  I feel so very guilty about that.  

 

Rosetta, I've been reading a great book called "A Perfect Mess" by Eric Abrahamson and David H Freedman: "The hidden benefits of disorder - how crammed closets, cluttered offices, and on-the-fly planning make the world a better place".  Excerpt from the back cover: "Do you shun disorder?  Or feel guilty about your own messiness?  Don't!  Whether it's your company's management plan or your hallway closet that bedevils you, this book will show you why you should say yes to mess".  From page 5: "When people are anxious about their messy homes and offices or their disorganized schedules, it's often not because the messiness and disorder are causing problems, but because people simply assume they should be neater and more organized and feel bad that they aren't". 

 

Reading this book has made me feel so much better about all the mess and disorder at my place.  We need to let go of all the guilt and worry.  I'm sure you are not ruining your daughter.  Maybe it's okay to let her be a happy, messy kid.  ( My kids are messy too - I think it's normal).

 

 

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Rosetta

Thank you, Songbird, for your sweet comment.  I've heard that theory, too.  I'm not sure what I think, but I know what I feel, and I feel better when things are only slightly messy.  So does my husband, but as to whether it matters for my daughter, I hope you are right.  It's important that I feel better.  So, I'm glad I'm having a lot of healing!!!  Maybe I'll find a balance of messy/organized one day soon!!!

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Songbird
16 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I feel better when things are only slightly messy.  So does my husband, but as to whether it matters for my daughter, I hope you are right.  It's important that I feel better.  So, I'm glad I'm having a lot of healing!!!  Maybe I'll find a balance of messy/organized one day soon!!!

 

I feel better when things are reasonably tidy, too.  I guess the point is to not beat ourselves up or feel guilty or anxious when things do get a bit too messy for us.  Let it all be okay.

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Rabe

 SO exciting Rosetta....the 'new' you are having is beautiful!!!  It seems many of your clearest windows have been in your memories and thoughts of all you are experiencing and feeling...its lovely!!  Happy for you!!! 💜

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Rosetta

Thank you everyone.  I wrote a long post with all of you tagged, but I lost it.  It wouldn't post and then disappeared.  That's been happening lately.

 

@Rabe @wantrelief @FarmGirlWorks @mirage @jonnypeters1234567  @neroli @EdinburghGuy @DMV64 @RealMe @LexAnger @Carmie @Waterfall @Hazel @Cheeky @DaveB

@Dalalea @Kristine

Songbird, Brassmonkey, Alto, JanCarol, SkyBlue, Bubbles

 

Last night, I laughed until I cried!!!!  This such HUGE, huge news!

 

I was reading a book to my daughter, and there was a part that was quite funny.  I started laughing and laughing and then tears came to my eyes.  It wasn't a weird, out of proportion, manic kind of event.  At least I don't think so.  The book was a chapter book for third graders, probably, and was written to make one laugh.  The part of the book keep building on itself.  It was sort of a suspenseful funny part.  A little girl who is a witch cannot control her magic.  She turned into a skunk in the cafeteria on her first day of school and she was trying to control her actions, but people kept doing more things to scare her and make her mad.  Then she became the size of an elephant, but she was still a skunk.  You know where this is going.

 

The amazing part is that I had a strong, POSITIVE emotion!!!  It might be the first time this has happened in over a year!!!

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FarmGirlWorks

This is such GREAT NEWS!!! Wow... congrats!

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neroli
5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The amazing part is that I had a strong, POSITIVE emotion!!!  It might be the first time this has happened in over a year!!!

Fantastic, Rosetta.  Great news for you and really uplifting for us.  Hoping you get more of these positive events .

 

neroli x

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mirage

@Rosetta This is fabulous! Your reaction of laughing until you cried is what I call, being tickled. For some reason there can be things that just get your laughing and the more you laugh, the funnier it all becomes. It is a great feeling. A very normal feeling. Not manic! Everybody has those moments and they are supposed to happen. Also, sounds like a really cute book. I remember reading to my kids. They are all grown now so it is heartfelt to hear this. 

 

How have you been feeling? I have been thinking about you lately. Keeping you in my prayers. 

 

Hugs

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brassmonkey

What's the name of the story, I would like to read it.

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Waterfall

Oh Rosetta! I'm so happy for you! That's just wonderful! 

Hopefully you get to see many more such moments!

 

 

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RusTW

It's  nice to know that other people are getting better also . I'm happy for you that you had that moment. It seems that our recovery shows itself in many different ways. I noticed that during my windows  I start thinking about all the things I haven't been doing or of missed out on which is I \can tell is my normal thinking.

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RusTW

That is a great moment when we're sharing it with our family. Sometimes it's frustrating to me because I want to go over and visit my family but I'm so self-absorbed in this I just stay focused on my routine. When I do see them I try to be in the moment

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bheb

So happy to see this Rosetta!! Hope many more laughs are around the corner 

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Rosetta

Journal:

 

Today is Wednesday, the 18th of July.  On Sunday, I was dehydrated and I got a bad headache on my right side -- the dystonia side.  My temple, eye, cheek, jaw, neck and shoulder hurt and felt very tense most of the day and all night long.  In the morning, Monday, there was still some discomfort.  It went away as the day progressed.  I went for a long walk that day. Monday night was the night I laughed with my daughter until I cried while we were reading a book.  That night, my nightly insomnia was slightly anxious.  

 

Tuesday, I went for another long walk.  My best friend from high school asked me to do something that would require traveling, seeing my mother, etc -- I had to leave a car at her house back when my grandfather's house was still under my power.  She needs me to move it, but there are things in it I want to keep.  So, last night, I was very anxious during the insomnia.  I'm going to talk to her now about how I can handle this problem.  I hope she can understand or that I can do what she needs me to do.  

 

Last night, I ordered some school clothes for my daughter online.  This morning, I organized some laundry, did an inventory of her school clothes and sorted out some of my daughter's old clothes.  THIS is quite an achievement.  Today, I took a walk that was a bit shorter.  The dystonia came back after the walk.  I can't write much right now.  It's still there.  It's not painful, but quite uncomfortable.  I have been sleepy today.  And sad and somewhat anxious. 

 

I've been emotional these past three days.  It's a roller coaster, but a milder one than I used to have.  I have been avoiding the news as much as possible for 4 days.  I think that helps.  Today, I read some headlines.  They didn't upset me, but I tried to watch a show -- Sci-fI.  It upset me.  I guess I'm going to have to avoid the show.  I'm bored and that makes me anxious.  

 

I'm noticing a lot of physical issues that I have had for years are easing or resolving -- sensitivity to light, sensitivity to wind on my skin, and there is a general feeling of my body returning to a more normal state.  There are many of these Physical feelings that I thought were just me.  I didn't know the AD (or perhaps it was withdrawal for years) was causing me to be so sensitive to stimulus.  It very eye-opening. My husband is noticing, as well.

 

At the moment, I'm on the verge of tears.  I feel a sense of grief as if I lost someone.

 

Brassmonkey, the book is called Upside Down Magic.  It's a series.  We were reading the first book.  It has a picture of a kitten on the cover, and the kitten has bat wings.  It's $ 3.99 on Kindle or Amazon.  Not sure which.

 

Thanks for all your comments, everyone, @Waterfall @bheb @RusTW @mirage @neroli @FarmGirlWorks

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mirage

@Rosetta While you are having some trials and tribulations, it sounds like you are doing better and moving in the right direction. That is good news. 

 

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma with your girlfriend and very sorry you are feeling a sense of grief. I am here to support you and i'm sending big hugs to you. 

 

You are strong and you are healing. God bless you dear friend. 

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Rosetta

I spoke to her and she doesn't need me to do anything!! Whew!  She was just trying to help, and it can wait as long as I need.

 

However, her 12 year old son is on ADHD meds and Lexapro for anxiety that was probably caused by ADHD Concerta meds.  He's a highly functioning autistic kid.  I worry for his future and hers.

 

Thanks, @mirage.  I don't have to worry now that I have to travel!!!

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Rabe

So happy to hear about the car working our Rosetta, and about your sorting though things and doing laundry...tidying.  That IS a huge step for you!  Gosh I feel so happy for and proud of you..such a big step!!  Thinking the feelings are ok, given all the feelings you expressed when talking about what surrounded the inability to deal with the 'stuff'.  Better to have the feelings coming out than staying in there hiding but none the less affecting.  Take care!!  HUGS!!!💜 

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mirage

@Rosetta Glad it all worked out for you. It is hard dealing with the weird fake anxiety. I have never had it before this journey and now, even the simplest of things causes it to heighten. 

 

I can understand your worry about your friends son. Please don't take that worry on. He may do just great and it would be worry for nothing. Focus on your continued healing. 

 

I have a dental appt today. Before this journey I wouldn't have given a single thought to it. Today, I have that butterflies in your stomach feeling. However, that is not bad. About 6 months ago, my heart would be pounding out of my chest. This is the last appt on a long journey. Long story, short, I had a dentist break the drill off in my tooth while doing a root canal and she left it there and never told me. I was really sick for a while with a fever, nausea, sinus pain and swelling. I kept seeing me dr and was getting treated for a sinus infection that we thought wasn't clearing. My dentist finally called me and confessed. This was all before I stopped the med. Fast forward to December 2017. I had to have the tooth removed and a lot of bone grafting done because I had so much jaw deterioration from the infection. In May, 2018, I had the second surgery to put the post in for the implant. Today, is the final day. I get the tooth put on and I am done! Both surgeries were done during this battle of withdrawal. They both set me back hugely. The anesthetic they used to put me to sleep for both, were not good for the system not to mention having all of the work done in the jaw bone. Again, hard on the system. I didn't have a choice and had to have it done. I am ready for this to be behind me. I look back at those surgeries and I don't even know how I got through them, especially the Dec one. I was only 6 months into this med journey and I was SO sick! But, I made it! 

 

 I have to work after my dental appt today so I have a challenging day ahead of me. I've got this. I can do it. 

 

Prayers and hugs!

 

 

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mirage

@RabeHow are you doing? Praying you are making progress. 

 

Hugs!

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RusTW

Rosetta how goes it today?☺

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