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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I hope today is better for you! I had about 5 good days and yesterday went back into a wave. Today I'm ok so far, just trying to keep busy. 

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RusTW

Hi Rosetta- how was your day?

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Rosetta

Thanks, Rus.  I hope you can nap soon!

FGW, thanks so much.  Yes, it is a victory.

Rabe, I think you might be RIGHT!!!  A cortisol spike . . . Let me think about how to describe it well.  My battery is dying right now.

Elyssa, I hope you sleep well.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Today, I woke up ok.  It's possible there was no cortisol spike.  At about 2:00, I had a time that I couldn't sleep, but the worry was a little less difficult.  I heated my wrap, but not because the dystonia was present.  I hope the warmth would help me fall back asleep.

 

I was calm and only slightly nervous until I had a cafe mocha in a coffee shop at about 9:30.  I ordered decaf, but the barista must have used regular.  I was so wired until about 2:00 p.m.  I took a walk, and some of it wore off.  Wow.  I haven't had that effect from coffee in ages and ages.  It was really strong.  I have thought I had accidentally had caffeine before, but it wasn't that intense.  Maybe she put 2 shots in.  I had never tried that place before.  I still feel it and it's 7:00 p.m.   I'm hoping that I don't have a wave because of it.  I'm pretty nervous about that, but I think it will wear off and be ok.  Shoot.  I wanted to take the risk of dying my hair this weekend.  Now, I'm afraid to try it because of this other mistake with the caffeine.  

 

Otherwise, my day was fine.  Only the slightest dystonia and a cramped toe in each foot at different times.  Right now I feel tension in my arms and face, but it's probably because I'm reading and writing here.  

 

I forgot to write that I had diarrhea this morning before the coffee.  Then, I had more diarrhea afterward.  I think I'm ovulating. If so, it's been going on for about 4 days.  I'm still taking magnesium every night.  

 

My husband says that my gait has changed back to its normal way and that Im holding my shoulders and upper body normally again.  The plethora of ways those drugs and WD aff CTs our bodies seems to be never ending.  He tried to show me how I used to walk and I could barely look at him.  It was very disturbing to see it.  I'm constantly surprised by how many changes I see in my body and how I realize new ways this ordeal has affected me as the body starts to go back to normal.  It's quite outrageous that doctors don't see these odd changes and wonder what is happening to their patients.

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RusTW
6 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, Rus.  I hope you can nap soon!

FGW, thanks so much.  Yes, it is a victory.

Rabe, I think you might be RIGHT!!!  A cortisol spike . . . Let me think about how to describe it well.  My battery is dying right now.

Elyssa, I hope you sleep well.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Today, I woke up ok.  It's possible there was no cortisol spike.  At about 2:00, I had a time that I couldn't sleep, but the worry was a little less difficult.  I heated my wrap, but not because the dystonia was present.  I hope the warmth would help me fall back asleep.

 

I was calm and only slightly nervous until I had a cafe mocha in a coffee shop at about 9:30.  I ordered decaf, but the barista must have used regular.  I was so wired until about 2:00 p.m.  I took a walk, and some of it wore off.  Wow.  I haven't had that effect from coffee in ages and ages.  It was really strong.  I have thought I had accidentally had caffeine before, but it wasn't that intense.  Maybe she put 2 shots in.  I had never tried that place before.  I still feel it and it's 7:00 p.m.   I'm hoping that I don't have a wave because of it.  I'm pretty nervous about that, but I think it will wear off and be ok.  Shoot.  I wanted to take the risk of dying my hair this weekend.  Now, I'm afraid to try it because of this other mistake with the caffeine.  

 

Otherwise, my day was fine.  Only the slightest dystonia and a cramped toe in each foot at different times.  Right now I feel tension in my arms and face, but it's probably because I'm reading and writing here.  

 

I forgot to write that I had diarrhea this morning before the coffee.  Then, I had more diarrhea afterward.  I think I'm ovulating. If so, it's been going on for about 4 days.  I'm still taking magnesium every night.  

 

My husband says that my gait has changed back to its normal way and that Im holding my shoulders and upper body normally again.  The plethora of ways those drugs and WD aff CTs our bodies seems to be never ending.  He tried to show me how I used to walk and I could barely look at him.  It was very disturbing to see it.  I'm constantly surprised by how many changes I see in my body and how I realize new ways this ordeal has affected me as the body starts to go back to normal.  It's quite outrageous that doctors don't see these odd changes and wonder what is happening to their patients.

Rosseta dilute it with drinking 2 bottles of water.Everyday I have to do this.it takes the effect away.food does also help.good luck.hope ya get some good sleep tonight.lol thanks I almost fell asleep again today.so close.   Rus

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Rabe

Another good day filled with positive signs...exciting!!  Sorry bout the caffeine.  It has always sent me over the top...hope it eases soon!!!💜

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Rosetta

I let my friend with 3 kids come over so that my daughter could play, but they wore me out.  I really can't handle all the activity and all the little voices yelling and arguing.  She's so understanding of my limitations though.  A good friend.  My daughter used up a lot of energy, and now we can just watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  I wish I could nap.  Someday!!

 

had no walk today.  That worries me, but it's impossible to do it every day.  It's still 87 degrees here at 5:00.  I couldn't go to he coast today.  

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Rabe

Personally I think that is too hot Rosetta.  You have had difficulties with that in the past and I just wouldn't push it...it just messes up a lot when the electrolytes are off.  Plus you are tired anyway...take a break from it and plow out another 6 miles another day. 😳That really is something!!!  You go girl!!!😀👍

And you are having more windows and getting better right along...soon 6 miles will be short! In the mean time rest aka nap and hope you have a good evening with your wee one watching TV together!!!💜

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RusTW
1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

I let my friend with 3 kids come over so that my daughter could play, but they wore me out.  I really can't handle all the activity and all the little voices yelling and arguing.  She's so understanding of my limitations though.  A good friend.  My daughter used up a lot of energy, and now we can just watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  I wish I could nap.  Someday!!

 

had no walk today.  That worries me, but it's impossible to do it every day.  It's still 87 degrees here at 5:00.  I couldn't go to he coast today.  

Hi Rosetta- a good day to take it easy.Its hot here too 90s.Maybee tomarow you can walk.I almost took a nap again.this time I jolted as soon as I started to doze.Someday .Have a nice evening.   Rus

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I'm so glad your having a good day it's so nice to read especially after having such rough times. I'm in a wave again it's very hard to remember the good times in a wave. :( I'm constantly getting hit with thoughts I wont nake it. The depression is horrible it's so hard to not be able to enjoy anything or be happy. :(

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Rosetta

I had an ok night.  As usual, I woke at 2:00 and couldn't sleep.  I used the shoulder wrap to fall asleep again, and I woke up at 6:45.  Early, but not terrible.  I couldn't doze after that.  Without a bad night, it's hard to understand how the day went so wrong.

 

I awakened very sad about all the years that have gone by with me being in WD.  I was actually crying about my little girl being older.  We had such fun when she was a baby -- all three of us.  We even had fun when I was "crazy" from the Zoloft after I was cold switched at my daughter's birth and the dose increased for 3-4 years. Until my daughter was about 3, we were happy.  It got strange and confusing when she was 4, but she didn't notice.

 

I miss her when she was 3 and 4, and I feel as if she died.  That's the degree of grief I feel over her not being 3 any longer.  It's not just that she's growing up now, but I grieve for that time when we had fun.  Everything I showed to her she loved.  Every activity we did she loved.  It's as if she died and was replaced.   I know this is partly because of WD.  It's the difficulty of living life in WD that has made me feel that she died.  I died.  That's what happened.  My brain died -- the one I had when she was born.  As the dose went up past the point my body could deal with it, parts of me died.

 

This state of mind is how I woke up.  So, of course, I was feeling all emotional when I got up.

 

I miss her so much.  I'm so lonely without her.  Now, it's all so hard.  She has opinions and preferences.  I feel I can't relate to her.  She would rather play with her daddy.  I'm the dull one; and my suggestions are not interesting.  I have anxious mornings trying to get her ready to go, and daddy's relaxed and fun and creative.  I'm the bore, the rule enforcer, the one who says no sugar.  It's exhausting, and I know every mother goes through this.  It's not unusual, but it's extraordinary to go through it with neuro-emotions.

 

Every milestone is so difficult these days. School starts in 3 days, I found out who her teacher is, I texted with her friend's mom and found out that the girls have different teachers this year.  That's sad.  I didn't click with the mothers of any other kids -- only her.  I'm so lonely as it is, and now it's going to be more difficult to casually chat with this mom?  I'll have to try harder.  It could be better, of course.  I may meet another mom who has a lot in common with me, and I will still have this other friend, too.  I'm so tired, and I don't need change right now.  I need consistency.

 

Bad morning.  I had a misunderstanding with my husband over nothing.  Literally nothing.  Crying, despair, SI, of course.  Every time things don't go well with my husband I have SI.  I become completely overwhelmed.  It is so threatening to me when he is angry with me for being emotional.  That's how I perceive it -- that he is angry at me for feelings over which I have no control.  

 

My daughter heard me crying and heard us arguing about whether I yelled at him first or he yelled first.   I hate that.  I feel so guilty.  So, I've been feeling terrible all day.  It's 4:30, and I've been crying all day.

 

We were never like this years ago.  I never dreamed we would yell at each other at all let alone over such minor things.  The stress of me being in WD is hard on him, but I still don't understand what happened this morning between my husband and me.  I suppose that happens sometimes -- misunderstandings, but I'm devastated by them.  Utterly devastated.  I just break down in tears and slide to the floor.  That seems to make him even more angry.  That's when I fall apart during these "arguments."  I don't feel SI when I first start to cry.  It happens when he gets angrier.  He says he gets angry at first because he thinks I'm blaming him.  I cry, and he gets angrier.  I don't know how to avoid him perceiving that I'm blaming him.  This happens over and over.  Neither one of us knows how to stop it.  He thinks I can use different words that don't appear to blame him.  I'm sure I could if this anxiety would stop, and I could think straight.  But this morning, I didn't do what he thought I did.  So, that would not have helped.  Meanwhile, I feel such guilt as my daughter always comes running if I cry.

 

What happened?  Nothing.  He tried to talk to me while I was using the kitchen sink, but I couldn't hear him because of the water.  I responded so that he would say it again, but he thought I yelled at him.  So, he got mad.  He yelled at me.  I didn't yell at him.  I can't understand why he thought I did.  There must be more to it, but that's how it blew up.  I don't understand why it escalated so fast.  I was in a bad mood this morning.  I'm sure he felt that.  He saw that.  He was stressed by it.  I can't be fake all the time.  I can't smile constantly when I feel the opposite.  I can't avoid him seeing me have a bad day.  Even when I try, it doesn't help.  He notices and gets stressed.  I would just isolate, but I don't because of my daughter.  I wish I could.

 

Sigh . . . This is not the home I want my little girl to experience . . . In so many different ways.  I'm just so tired.  

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

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Rosetta

I'm going to bed.  Time to close down this crummy day.  Goodnight.

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Happy2Heal

{{{{{{{{{{{{Rosetta}}}}}}}}}}}

 

what you are describing is a day than ANY family could have, and does have, regardless of you going thru WD/recovery or any other major stress.

 

I'm sure  it feels so much worse to you because of WD and because this has been such a long process. 

 

today will be better. each day is a new start.

 

I'm sorry I've not kept up with your thread (or anyone else's to be honest) I am so grateful that you've stopped by my thread to help me out and feel bad that  I've not stopped over to see how you are til now.

 

Funny, but not funny, if you know what I mean- I've been feeling the same kind of deep sadness and grief over the times that are gone, lost to the past, when my daughter was young, and even say, 5 yrs ago when I still got to see her sometimes. now she's married, lives out of the area and all those things are in the past. I miss them and it feels like such a huge loss. While I was medicated, time sort of seemed to stand still- I don't know how to explain it. I was never aware of the passing of time, of the subtle changes I guess...? I don't know.

but I have a very similar feeling of grief for the good times that are in the past.

 

it must be WD and will go away as we recover. 

we can get thru this. 

 

 

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Rosetta

Thanks @Happy2Heal. That's very kind of you.  

 

Do not feel bad about living a happy life away from SA when you can.  This forum can really get one down.  It's better to enjoy your life until you have a wave.  It's so short.  You come back more often than most people, and you have given a lot of hope to me.  Of course, you are having a wave, but it's not a negative thing.  I know it's not fun, but you will feel very good when it's gone.  You probably had no idea there was more healing to be done!

 

I was filling out my calendar today with all the days off school and thinking "How will I get through these long weekends?"  I was feeling so good when I was walking every day, and now it's been 2 days with no walk.  I'm a wreck. Yet putting the birthday party for next Sat in the calendar made me feel anxious.  I thought,"Will I be able to handle that?"  Yes, I will.  I'm getting better, of course, but it's such a delicate balance.  I long for the day when I can just live and something as simple as a day off from school or a birthday party won't cause me anxiety.  I used to love an excuse to go to a party or spend a day with my daughter!  It was a treat.  I'm feeling really angry that that has been taken away from me because I fell for the scam of ADs.  They are such an enormous scam.  I wish they were a benign scam.  If they didn't appear to work, but didn't harm, I wouldn't have taken them so long.

 

Oh, well.  Time to count my blessings.  I sleep.  I can function at a level that allows me to walk and eat and go places.  That's a lot better than this time last year.  The worst had not happened yet this time last year.  How far I have come!!  I look normal on the outside.  I'm not afraid to drive.  I do enjoy my days out at least.  The dystonia is much, much better.  Sometimes, I forget about it entirely.  

 

Some day I will be able to enjoy relaxing again.  For now, I have to stay on the treadmill trying to keep the anxiety low.

 

Symptoms today:

Cortisol awakening about 6:45 or 7:00 (perfect wake up time for late August)

Anxiety 6/10

Sadness

Cog fog

Anxiety about organizing, clothing, toys, art supplies, laundry

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SkyBlue
24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

How far I have come!!  

 

Rosetta, what a wonderful attitude. It is amazing how even though you are still going through so much that you are able to have a perspective that you're healing.

 

I so understand that "delicate balance" you talked about. Maybe like having a foothold after falling off a cliff. Not immediately falling thousands of feet, thankfully, but in no way on solid ground yet (although I know that will come for you). 

 

My heart goes out to you for all you are going through. I know that it will continue to get better. ❤️

 

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Rosetta

Thank you, SkyBlue.  Acceptance is the word for today.

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RusTW

 Rosetta you're such a thoughtful understanding person. I'm sorry your times are so emotional right now with frustration. Having responsibilities for a family has to be very tough right now. You're doing all that you can. I hope today goes better for you I hope your day goes better for you. Rus

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RusTW

 Rosetta you're such a thoughtful understanding person. I'm sorry your times are so emotional right now with frustration. Having responsibilities for a family has to be very tough right now.

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RusTW

I'm going into a wave😰

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Rabe

Oh Rosetta, Im sorry you had such a difficult day yesterday.  As a mom who loves her family so, I think it would be unusual if you didnt feel as you are feeling.  Of course you miss her being 3 and 4 because those were happy times, 'normal' times, times free of the chaos WD has brought in your mind, body and life.  It is hard to feel you are not a part, that life is going on around you but seemingly not with you.  

From my own experience this is a time when a daughter becomes closer to her dad...and I recall ages 7 and 8ish being 'interesting' years for all my children.  They transitioned in and out of times I treasured and others not so much.  3 and 4ish were wonderful times for just the reasons you said...they just love you...and want to be with you...it is lovely.  I remember my oldest saying he was never going to leave home...cant remember his exact words, but in essence he wanted to stay with me and read books and play forever. 😂 It was lovely...I told hi something like I loved him and would still love him when he didnt do that. 

Your daughter adores you...this is where she is...she will be 'back', and I believe the timing will be right cause you will be in a better place...you think?  

 

For me, I find with all this WD stuff everything is different...cause of my emotions and mind and body...IDK...whole package.  I am not me, often am not really in the here and now though I physically am. That affects me and also has affected those I am interacting with.  I think it is in part because I am different right now and particularly those very close to me are angry about that, they want 'me' back as well, they feel helpless, sad, lost, lonely and scared...just like I do...nothing is the same and they dont know what to do.  I was the one who solved problems not create them. But there are moments...when we do connect...and it is SO SO special.  Then, when things change again I think it makes it all the more difficult for them because, just as we do in a window, they believe this is it..things are ok now...I'm back to who I was.  IDK if this is any of what is going on with your husband..can only share what my family has shared and what i have observed and felt. Perhaps he feels responsible in some way and blames himself and those feelings pop up as anger?  And then when it affects you so those feelings grow?  

 

People who love each other FEEL so much....when one stops feeling...stops caring...that's different.  He feels everything because he loves his family and he too misses those years that have 'died' in a way as you described.  All you can do is be as honest as you can with where you are on any given day/part of day.  You can not help this!!!

 

In the midst of all this you are healing.  Please continue to know what a kind, loving, giving person you are...still creating moments, though it may not feel as such.

 

Hugs and love!  💜

 

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Rabe

Im sorry...I thought that was today!  SOOOO happy things are better!!!  💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

I understand everything you are going through - the grief, loneliness, SI, tiredness,  wishing for a moment away from the anxiety to be able to sit and enjoy just sitting and being comfortable with all that is around you.  It's tough and you are doing the best that you can.

 

Sometimes I wish there was a partner in my life who could help me to get through all of this - but I know that in real life, it is hard to be the person you want to be even with a great partner (from what I hear from other people) and there is fear of that person being  disenfranchised.  I am feeling that with my friends at the moment.  They have been such a great support - emotionally and practically.  Yet I feel as though I am drifting away from them, having paranoid feelings that they have run out of compassion steam because I'm not getting much better.  I feel like such a bore - life is work (as much as I can), eating and looking after myself the best that I can, very early bedtime and Netflix.  I see others doing everyday things and bigger projects, the likes of which are unavailable to me at the moment and I'm bereft at the loss.  I don't have those "normal" things to contribute to conversation and I'm usually so on edge that I can't relax into going with the flow.

 

You have my heartfelt wishes for your continued progress and more times when you can take stock and realise that things have improved from where they were a year, month, week or day ago.

 

Others have said it, you give so much and are a thoughtful understanding person.  That's no mean feat in the waves of WD.  So generous.

 

Inch by inch you take each day - and then the next, you are courageous and strong.

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks
14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I sleep.  I can function at a level that allows me to walk and eat and go places.  That's a lot better than this time last year.  The worst had not happened yet this time last year.  How far I have come!!  I look normal on the outside.  I'm not afraid to drive.  I do enjoy my days out at least.

That's brilliant, @Rosetta: "the worst had not happened yet this time last year." Thanks for the perspective of the distance covered. What a crazy ride we've been on this year!

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RusTW

 Rosetta  just checking in to see how you're doing

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Rabe

You are healing ... that has been evident from the moment I came on SA...and you have just continued to move onward and upward!  SO happy for you Rosetta!!!  Hope your day was a good one!! Think of you daily my friend!💜

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