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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I hope today is better for you! I had about 5 good days and yesterday went back into a wave. Today I'm ok so far, just trying to keep busy. 

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RusTW

Hi Rosetta- how was your day?

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Rosetta

Thanks, Rus.  I hope you can nap soon!

FGW, thanks so much.  Yes, it is a victory.

Rabe, I think you might be RIGHT!!!  A cortisol spike . . . Let me think about how to describe it well.  My battery is dying right now.

Elyssa, I hope you sleep well.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Today, I woke up ok.  It's possible there was no cortisol spike.  At about 2:00, I had a time that I couldn't sleep, but the worry was a little less difficult.  I heated my wrap, but not because the dystonia was present.  I hope the warmth would help me fall back asleep.

 

I was calm and only slightly nervous until I had a cafe mocha in a coffee shop at about 9:30.  I ordered decaf, but the barista must have used regular.  I was so wired until about 2:00 p.m.  I took a walk, and some of it wore off.  Wow.  I haven't had that effect from coffee in ages and ages.  It was really strong.  I have thought I had accidentally had caffeine before, but it wasn't that intense.  Maybe she put 2 shots in.  I had never tried that place before.  I still feel it and it's 7:00 p.m.   I'm hoping that I don't have a wave because of it.  I'm pretty nervous about that, but I think it will wear off and be ok.  Shoot.  I wanted to take the risk of dying my hair this weekend.  Now, I'm afraid to try it because of this other mistake with the caffeine.  

 

Otherwise, my day was fine.  Only the slightest dystonia and a cramped toe in each foot at different times.  Right now I feel tension in my arms and face, but it's probably because I'm reading and writing here.  

 

I forgot to write that I had diarrhea this morning before the coffee.  Then, I had more diarrhea afterward.  I think I'm ovulating. If so, it's been going on for about 4 days.  I'm still taking magnesium every night.  

 

My husband says that my gait has changed back to its normal way and that Im holding my shoulders and upper body normally again.  The plethora of ways those drugs and WD aff CTs our bodies seems to be never ending.  He tried to show me how I used to walk and I could barely look at him.  It was very disturbing to see it.  I'm constantly surprised by how many changes I see in my body and how I realize new ways this ordeal has affected me as the body starts to go back to normal.  It's quite outrageous that doctors don't see these odd changes and wonder what is happening to their patients.

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RusTW
6 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks, Rus.  I hope you can nap soon!

FGW, thanks so much.  Yes, it is a victory.

Rabe, I think you might be RIGHT!!!  A cortisol spike . . . Let me think about how to describe it well.  My battery is dying right now.

Elyssa, I hope you sleep well.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Today, I woke up ok.  It's possible there was no cortisol spike.  At about 2:00, I had a time that I couldn't sleep, but the worry was a little less difficult.  I heated my wrap, but not because the dystonia was present.  I hope the warmth would help me fall back asleep.

 

I was calm and only slightly nervous until I had a cafe mocha in a coffee shop at about 9:30.  I ordered decaf, but the barista must have used regular.  I was so wired until about 2:00 p.m.  I took a walk, and some of it wore off.  Wow.  I haven't had that effect from coffee in ages and ages.  It was really strong.  I have thought I had accidentally had caffeine before, but it wasn't that intense.  Maybe she put 2 shots in.  I had never tried that place before.  I still feel it and it's 7:00 p.m.   I'm hoping that I don't have a wave because of it.  I'm pretty nervous about that, but I think it will wear off and be ok.  Shoot.  I wanted to take the risk of dying my hair this weekend.  Now, I'm afraid to try it because of this other mistake with the caffeine.  

 

Otherwise, my day was fine.  Only the slightest dystonia and a cramped toe in each foot at different times.  Right now I feel tension in my arms and face, but it's probably because I'm reading and writing here.  

 

I forgot to write that I had diarrhea this morning before the coffee.  Then, I had more diarrhea afterward.  I think I'm ovulating. If so, it's been going on for about 4 days.  I'm still taking magnesium every night.  

 

My husband says that my gait has changed back to its normal way and that Im holding my shoulders and upper body normally again.  The plethora of ways those drugs and WD aff CTs our bodies seems to be never ending.  He tried to show me how I used to walk and I could barely look at him.  It was very disturbing to see it.  I'm constantly surprised by how many changes I see in my body and how I realize new ways this ordeal has affected me as the body starts to go back to normal.  It's quite outrageous that doctors don't see these odd changes and wonder what is happening to their patients.

Rosseta dilute it with drinking 2 bottles of water.Everyday I have to do this.it takes the effect away.food does also help.good luck.hope ya get some good sleep tonight.lol thanks I almost fell asleep again today.so close.   Rus

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Rabe

Another good day filled with positive signs...exciting!!  Sorry bout the caffeine.  It has always sent me over the top...hope it eases soon!!!💜

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Rosetta

I let my friend with 3 kids come over so that my daughter could play, but they wore me out.  I really can't handle all the activity and all the little voices yelling and arguing.  She's so understanding of my limitations though.  A good friend.  My daughter used up a lot of energy, and now we can just watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  I wish I could nap.  Someday!!

 

had no walk today.  That worries me, but it's impossible to do it every day.  It's still 87 degrees here at 5:00.  I couldn't go to he coast today.  

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Rabe

Personally I think that is too hot Rosetta.  You have had difficulties with that in the past and I just wouldn't push it...it just messes up a lot when the electrolytes are off.  Plus you are tired anyway...take a break from it and plow out another 6 miles another day. 😳That really is something!!!  You go girl!!!😀👍

And you are having more windows and getting better right along...soon 6 miles will be short! In the mean time rest aka nap and hope you have a good evening with your wee one watching TV together!!!💜

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RusTW
1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

I let my friend with 3 kids come over so that my daughter could play, but they wore me out.  I really can't handle all the activity and all the little voices yelling and arguing.  She's so understanding of my limitations though.  A good friend.  My daughter used up a lot of energy, and now we can just watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  I wish I could nap.  Someday!!

 

had no walk today.  That worries me, but it's impossible to do it every day.  It's still 87 degrees here at 5:00.  I couldn't go to he coast today.  

Hi Rosetta- a good day to take it easy.Its hot here too 90s.Maybee tomarow you can walk.I almost took a nap again.this time I jolted as soon as I started to doze.Someday .Have a nice evening.   Rus

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Elyssa143

@Rosetta I'm so glad your having a good day it's so nice to read especially after having such rough times. I'm in a wave again it's very hard to remember the good times in a wave. :( I'm constantly getting hit with thoughts I wont nake it. The depression is horrible it's so hard to not be able to enjoy anything or be happy. :(

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Rosetta

I had an ok night.  As usual, I woke at 2:00 and couldn't sleep.  I used the shoulder wrap to fall asleep again, and I woke up at 6:45.  Early, but not terrible.  I couldn't doze after that.  Without a bad night, it's hard to understand how the day went so wrong.

 

I awakened very sad about all the years that have gone by with me being in WD.  I was actually crying about my little girl being older.  We had such fun when she was a baby -- all three of us.  We even had fun when I was "crazy" from the Zoloft after I was cold switched at my daughter's birth and the dose increased for 3-4 years. Until my daughter was about 3, we were happy.  It got strange and confusing when she was 4, but she didn't notice.

 

I miss her when she was 3 and 4, and I feel as if she died.  That's the degree of grief I feel over her not being 3 any longer.  It's not just that she's growing up now, but I grieve for that time when we had fun.  Everything I showed to her she loved.  Every activity we did she loved.  It's as if she died and was replaced.   I know this is partly because of WD.  It's the difficulty of living life in WD that has made me feel that she died.  I died.  That's what happened.  My brain died -- the one I had when she was born.  As the dose went up past the point my body could deal with it, parts of me died.

 

This state of mind is how I woke up.  So, of course, I was feeling all emotional when I got up.

 

I miss her so much.  I'm so lonely without her.  Now, it's all so hard.  She has opinions and preferences.  I feel I can't relate to her.  She would rather play with her daddy.  I'm the dull one; and my suggestions are not interesting.  I have anxious mornings trying to get her ready to go, and daddy's relaxed and fun and creative.  I'm the bore, the rule enforcer, the one who says no sugar.  It's exhausting, and I know every mother goes through this.  It's not unusual, but it's extraordinary to go through it with neuro-emotions.

 

Every milestone is so difficult these days. School starts in 3 days, I found out who her teacher is, I texted with her friend's mom and found out that the girls have different teachers this year.  That's sad.  I didn't click with the mothers of any other kids -- only her.  I'm so lonely as it is, and now it's going to be more difficult to casually chat with this mom?  I'll have to try harder.  It could be better, of course.  I may meet another mom who has a lot in common with me, and I will still have this other friend, too.  I'm so tired, and I don't need change right now.  I need consistency.

 

Bad morning.  I had a misunderstanding with my husband over nothing.  Literally nothing.  Crying, despair, SI, of course.  Every time things don't go well with my husband I have SI.  I become completely overwhelmed.  It is so threatening to me when he is angry with me for being emotional.  That's how I perceive it -- that he is angry at me for feelings over which I have no control.  

 

My daughter heard me crying and heard us arguing about whether I yelled at him first or he yelled first.   I hate that.  I feel so guilty.  So, I've been feeling terrible all day.  It's 4:30, and I've been crying all day.

 

We were never like this years ago.  I never dreamed we would yell at each other at all let alone over such minor things.  The stress of me being in WD is hard on him, but I still don't understand what happened this morning between my husband and me.  I suppose that happens sometimes -- misunderstandings, but I'm devastated by them.  Utterly devastated.  I just break down in tears and slide to the floor.  That seems to make him even more angry.  That's when I fall apart during these "arguments."  I don't feel SI when I first start to cry.  It happens when he gets angrier.  He says he gets angry at first because he thinks I'm blaming him.  I cry, and he gets angrier.  I don't know how to avoid him perceiving that I'm blaming him.  This happens over and over.  Neither one of us knows how to stop it.  He thinks I can use different words that don't appear to blame him.  I'm sure I could if this anxiety would stop, and I could think straight.  But this morning, I didn't do what he thought I did.  So, that would not have helped.  Meanwhile, I feel such guilt as my daughter always comes running if I cry.

 

What happened?  Nothing.  He tried to talk to me while I was using the kitchen sink, but I couldn't hear him because of the water.  I responded so that he would say it again, but he thought I yelled at him.  So, he got mad.  He yelled at me.  I didn't yell at him.  I can't understand why he thought I did.  There must be more to it, but that's how it blew up.  I don't understand why it escalated so fast.  I was in a bad mood this morning.  I'm sure he felt that.  He saw that.  He was stressed by it.  I can't be fake all the time.  I can't smile constantly when I feel the opposite.  I can't avoid him seeing me have a bad day.  Even when I try, it doesn't help.  He notices and gets stressed.  I would just isolate, but I don't because of my daughter.  I wish I could.

 

Sigh . . . This is not the home I want my little girl to experience . . . In so many different ways.  I'm just so tired.  

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

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Rosetta

I'm going to bed.  Time to close down this crummy day.  Goodnight.

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Happy2Heal

{{{{{{{{{{{{Rosetta}}}}}}}}}}}

 

what you are describing is a day than ANY family could have, and does have, regardless of you going thru WD/recovery or any other major stress.

 

I'm sure  it feels so much worse to you because of WD and because this has been such a long process. 

 

today will be better. each day is a new start.

 

I'm sorry I've not kept up with your thread (or anyone else's to be honest) I am so grateful that you've stopped by my thread to help me out and feel bad that  I've not stopped over to see how you are til now.

 

Funny, but not funny, if you know what I mean- I've been feeling the same kind of deep sadness and grief over the times that are gone, lost to the past, when my daughter was young, and even say, 5 yrs ago when I still got to see her sometimes. now she's married, lives out of the area and all those things are in the past. I miss them and it feels like such a huge loss. While I was medicated, time sort of seemed to stand still- I don't know how to explain it. I was never aware of the passing of time, of the subtle changes I guess...? I don't know.

but I have a very similar feeling of grief for the good times that are in the past.

 

it must be WD and will go away as we recover. 

we can get thru this. 

 

 

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Rosetta

Thanks @Happy2Heal. That's very kind of you.  

 

Do not feel bad about living a happy life away from SA when you can.  This forum can really get one down.  It's better to enjoy your life until you have a wave.  It's so short.  You come back more often than most people, and you have given a lot of hope to me.  Of course, you are having a wave, but it's not a negative thing.  I know it's not fun, but you will feel very good when it's gone.  You probably had no idea there was more healing to be done!

 

I was filling out my calendar today with all the days off school and thinking "How will I get through these long weekends?"  I was feeling so good when I was walking every day, and now it's been 2 days with no walk.  I'm a wreck. Yet putting the birthday party for next Sat in the calendar made me feel anxious.  I thought,"Will I be able to handle that?"  Yes, I will.  I'm getting better, of course, but it's such a delicate balance.  I long for the day when I can just live and something as simple as a day off from school or a birthday party won't cause me anxiety.  I used to love an excuse to go to a party or spend a day with my daughter!  It was a treat.  I'm feeling really angry that that has been taken away from me because I fell for the scam of ADs.  They are such an enormous scam.  I wish they were a benign scam.  If they didn't appear to work, but didn't harm, I wouldn't have taken them so long.

 

Oh, well.  Time to count my blessings.  I sleep.  I can function at a level that allows me to walk and eat and go places.  That's a lot better than this time last year.  The worst had not happened yet this time last year.  How far I have come!!  I look normal on the outside.  I'm not afraid to drive.  I do enjoy my days out at least.  The dystonia is much, much better.  Sometimes, I forget about it entirely.  

 

Some day I will be able to enjoy relaxing again.  For now, I have to stay on the treadmill trying to keep the anxiety low.

 

Symptoms today:

Cortisol awakening about 6:45 or 7:00 (perfect wake up time for late August)

Anxiety 6/10

Sadness

Cog fog

Anxiety about organizing, clothing, toys, art supplies, laundry

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SkyBlue
24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

How far I have come!!  

 

Rosetta, what a wonderful attitude. It is amazing how even though you are still going through so much that you are able to have a perspective that you're healing.

 

I so understand that "delicate balance" you talked about. Maybe like having a foothold after falling off a cliff. Not immediately falling thousands of feet, thankfully, but in no way on solid ground yet (although I know that will come for you). 

 

My heart goes out to you for all you are going through. I know that it will continue to get better. ❤️

 

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Rosetta

Thank you, SkyBlue.  Acceptance is the word for today.

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RusTW

 Rosetta you're such a thoughtful understanding person. I'm sorry your times are so emotional right now with frustration. Having responsibilities for a family has to be very tough right now. You're doing all that you can. I hope today goes better for you I hope your day goes better for you. Rus

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RusTW

 Rosetta you're such a thoughtful understanding person. I'm sorry your times are so emotional right now with frustration. Having responsibilities for a family has to be very tough right now.

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RusTW

I'm going into a wave😰

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Rabe

Oh Rosetta, Im sorry you had such a difficult day yesterday.  As a mom who loves her family so, I think it would be unusual if you didnt feel as you are feeling.  Of course you miss her being 3 and 4 because those were happy times, 'normal' times, times free of the chaos WD has brought in your mind, body and life.  It is hard to feel you are not a part, that life is going on around you but seemingly not with you.  

From my own experience this is a time when a daughter becomes closer to her dad...and I recall ages 7 and 8ish being 'interesting' years for all my children.  They transitioned in and out of times I treasured and others not so much.  3 and 4ish were wonderful times for just the reasons you said...they just love you...and want to be with you...it is lovely.  I remember my oldest saying he was never going to leave home...cant remember his exact words, but in essence he wanted to stay with me and read books and play forever. 😂 It was lovely...I told hi something like I loved him and would still love him when he didnt do that. 

Your daughter adores you...this is where she is...she will be 'back', and I believe the timing will be right cause you will be in a better place...you think?  

 

For me, I find with all this WD stuff everything is different...cause of my emotions and mind and body...IDK...whole package.  I am not me, often am not really in the here and now though I physically am. That affects me and also has affected those I am interacting with.  I think it is in part because I am different right now and particularly those very close to me are angry about that, they want 'me' back as well, they feel helpless, sad, lost, lonely and scared...just like I do...nothing is the same and they dont know what to do.  I was the one who solved problems not create them. But there are moments...when we do connect...and it is SO SO special.  Then, when things change again I think it makes it all the more difficult for them because, just as we do in a window, they believe this is it..things are ok now...I'm back to who I was.  IDK if this is any of what is going on with your husband..can only share what my family has shared and what i have observed and felt. Perhaps he feels responsible in some way and blames himself and those feelings pop up as anger?  And then when it affects you so those feelings grow?  

 

People who love each other FEEL so much....when one stops feeling...stops caring...that's different.  He feels everything because he loves his family and he too misses those years that have 'died' in a way as you described.  All you can do is be as honest as you can with where you are on any given day/part of day.  You can not help this!!!

 

In the midst of all this you are healing.  Please continue to know what a kind, loving, giving person you are...still creating moments, though it may not feel as such.

 

Hugs and love!  💜

 

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Rabe

Im sorry...I thought that was today!  SOOOO happy things are better!!!  💜

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neroli

Hello Rosetta

 

I understand everything you are going through - the grief, loneliness, SI, tiredness,  wishing for a moment away from the anxiety to be able to sit and enjoy just sitting and being comfortable with all that is around you.  It's tough and you are doing the best that you can.

 

Sometimes I wish there was a partner in my life who could help me to get through all of this - but I know that in real life, it is hard to be the person you want to be even with a great partner (from what I hear from other people) and there is fear of that person being  disenfranchised.  I am feeling that with my friends at the moment.  They have been such a great support - emotionally and practically.  Yet I feel as though I am drifting away from them, having paranoid feelings that they have run out of compassion steam because I'm not getting much better.  I feel like such a bore - life is work (as much as I can), eating and looking after myself the best that I can, very early bedtime and Netflix.  I see others doing everyday things and bigger projects, the likes of which are unavailable to me at the moment and I'm bereft at the loss.  I don't have those "normal" things to contribute to conversation and I'm usually so on edge that I can't relax into going with the flow.

 

You have my heartfelt wishes for your continued progress and more times when you can take stock and realise that things have improved from where they were a year, month, week or day ago.

 

Others have said it, you give so much and are a thoughtful understanding person.  That's no mean feat in the waves of WD.  So generous.

 

Inch by inch you take each day - and then the next, you are courageous and strong.

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

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FarmGirlWorks
14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I sleep.  I can function at a level that allows me to walk and eat and go places.  That's a lot better than this time last year.  The worst had not happened yet this time last year.  How far I have come!!  I look normal on the outside.  I'm not afraid to drive.  I do enjoy my days out at least.

That's brilliant, @Rosetta: "the worst had not happened yet this time last year." Thanks for the perspective of the distance covered. What a crazy ride we've been on this year!

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RusTW

 Rosetta  just checking in to see how you're doing

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Rabe

You are healing ... that has been evident from the moment I came on SA...and you have just continued to move onward and upward!  SO happy for you Rosetta!!!  Hope your day was a good one!! Think of you daily my friend!💜

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Rosetta

Hi Rus, Thank you for asking.  Yesterday was rough, and so is today, but it's a small wave.  It's mostly physical.  I'm very uncomfortable, angry, and my head, neck and shoulder muscles are so horribly tight.  I had 2 strong cortisol spikes ester day morning,  Maybe 3.  Bedtime last night was physically uncomfortable, too.  It's a very mild Akathisia, I think.  There is the perception of a vibration in my arms and my face, but no tremors.

 

Rabe and Neroli, Thank you for the pep talk.  I really appreciate it.  It's nice to have people who understand, but I certainly wish you weren't suffering, too.  

 

Neroli, I think that we all go through that, periodically, when we are in WD -- the feeling of being unable to relate to other humans, that perception that our worlds are shrinking, and the fear that it will never expand again.  I also think there's a time when that feeling goes on for weeks, and we feel worried about how it is affecting our friendships.  Some people say, "I found out who my friends were," but when one has so few to begin with even the fair weather ones give us some feeling of connection to the outside world, and we don't want to lose that.  I don't have any friends who I feel I could ask to help me through this.  There aren't any that would understand why I can't do the minimum to live.  That makes me realize how isolated I was before I CT/fast tapered.  I've moved too many times, and I've been sick for too long.  Sometimes I think about getting a therapist just to have someone who would meet me once a week consistently!!  Sad, I know.  

 

Yes, FGW, it is possible to look back and feel some sense of progress.  It's mindboggling that it's taken 18 months, but it's so wonderful that the body can heal itself from such a debilitating and terrifying condition.  A crazy ride for sure!

 

Journal

 

I walked Sunday, Monday yesterday and today.  I took my daughter to an amusement park Tues, and I didn't feel very good, but I went on an easy ride with her and watched her drive a little car for a while.  There was a lot of walking, and that's why I chose to go although it wasn't exactly where I wanted to be.  Lots of distractions!!  That helped.  We also picked up her reward for keeping up with her math skills this Summer, and we got to bed a little late.  It was the first day of school Wednesday (yesterday).

 

Yesterday morning, I had 2 strong cortisol spikes.  Maybe 3.  One before first light, one in the midst of a scary dream, and either the second never wore off or I had a third upon awakening.  I felt awful when I got up, and it didn't clear out.  That was probably because of the first day of school.  I had nausea and an Akathisia type feeling in my jaw and my arms until around 12:00 or so.  I was able to deal with the "get to school" routine all right.  Then, I had breakfast and went for a long walk at the zoo.  I only had about an hour left before school let out by the time I got home.  

 

My daughter did not have a single friend from last year assigned to her class this year.  I was so sad and worried for her when I left the school.  Indeed, she spent recess alone.  With over 350 kids on the playground finding a friend from last year was impossible.  I was relieved to hear that she ate lunch with 3 girls from last year's class.  I was pretty angry last night, but she seems to be resigned to the situation.  I'm sure it will be good for her to make new friends.  (There are a lot of reasons I'm irritated that I won't go into here.)

 

Today, I'm in a foul mood.  I'm wondering if it's PMS.  That would make sense.  I think the tension in my face, jaw, neck and shoulders and the Akathisia feeling is exacerbated by PMS.  

 

 

 

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Rosetta

Ladies, read this essay and tell me if you think this woman is in WD.  She says she has taken citalopram and sertraline and neither helped her peri-menopause.  She doesn't say whether she took those drugs prior to becoming perimenopausal, but I would love to know.  She has endometriosis and has never had children.  She is now taking estrogen and progesterone, and she's still reporting symptoms of AD withdrawal, but she believes she has a terrible cause of "the change."

 

 

 

What is the relationship between these conditions, perimenopause and WD?  Does WD mimic perimenopause?  Maybe even in men?!  And young women?  Do some people get dysautonomia (the technical term for the destabilization of the nervous system that causes many WD symptoms) from perimenopause?  Is perimenopause worse in people who take antidepressants?  

 

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/aug/16/it-feels-impossible-to-beat-how-i-was-floored-by-menopause#img-3

 

I would love to see someone write a book about this coincidence or connection.

 

What is the relationship between these conditions, perimenopause and WD?  Does WD mimic perimenopause?  Maybe even in men?!  And young women?  Do some people get dysautonomia (the technical term for the destabilization of the nervous system that causes many WD symptoms) from perimenopause?  Is perimenopause worse in people who take antidepressants?  

 

I would love to see someone write a book about this coincidence or connection.

 

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Rabe

Im sorry for your wave, Rosetta.  Also grateful you and your daughter got to the amusement park...special time together!  

I remember my kids and their friends always comparing what rooms they were in and what teacher(s) they had so as to see if they would be together.

Often that was not the case and it was always a difficult start to the school year when someone was now feeling out of the gang.  Nice thing is they did make new friends and still remained a part of their 'home group'.  It took time, sadness, tears, etc to adjust...but they did...I hope this is the case for your daughter as well.  I always thought starting a new year is hard enough....they seemed to do better than I did! 

 

What an interesting article!  And your thought right away of her being in AD WD is so amazing when no one she saw picked up on that at all!  How sad is that!  It would be interesting to be able to talk to her further.

 

I always felt WAAAAY better in every way when I was pregnant.  Have often thought of that.  Recently I looked up histamines (because of food issues and many high in potassium which are generally also high in histamine) and estrogen not only stimulates mast cells to make more histamine but also decreases DAO that breaks down histamine...so have more histamine in the body...and that prompts the ovaries to make more estrogen.  Vicious cycle of estrogen, histamine, estrogen, histamine.  When pregnant the placenta makes DAO in sufficient amounts to keep the histamine levels low. I dont know if this plays any part, but for me histamine, in hindsight, has been an issue and is worse now in WD. Do you have issues with high histamine foods?

 

I also have found that along the way in tapering I would be really anxious and after taking my Premarin it would usually help, rarely make things worse.  What?  I googled it and: there are interactions between sex hormones and the dominant neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, dopamine, GABA and glutamate. Also premarin and progesterone are on the list of things Dr Ashton says to stay away from in WD.  There's lots of reading on hormones and neurotransmitters.  There is a definite connection so I think WD would absolutely make a difference and vice versa.  Estrogen is also metabolized by same enzyme as Viibryd and Clonazepam which I think can contribute.

When I started the Viibryd one of the things I noticed and reported to the doctor (he didnt care) was bad breast tenderness...I now think that was cause they both affect serotonin maybe...but who knows.  I just know they all interact.

Yes would be so nice if someone could put it all together!!!  

 

Im sorry you are dealing with this in addition to everything else!  Seems everything is intertwined...UGH!  Take care Rosetta.  I hope you feel better soon!!!💜

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wantrelief

I am so sorry you've had a rough couple of days, Rosetta.  I will keep my fingers crossed tomorrow is a better one for you.  You are in my thoughts - WR.

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FarmGirlWorks
7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

I would love to see someone write a book about this coincidence or connection.

I second that -- find it impossible to tease out what is WD-related and what is perimenopause. It'd be interesting to have more info/data on it. Kinda upsetting though that depression happens in perimenopause; I am still regular so possibly just pre-menopausal. I don't want to think about the potential of more crazy depression coming down the line.

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RusTW

Hi Rosetta I hope your doing good today. I'll have the same question regarding hormones but male hormones my testosterone has always been low most of my life so I have to take it to replace it now where my question is that can you take it while you're going through withdrawals or does it make it worse. Every time I take them it's a mental thing I start to have fear about it affecting me in a bad way. I'm in a jam on this one because if I don't take it I get depression and anxiety and DP if I do take it it could make the withdrawals worse I've been watching it very closely and it's hard to tell with the windows and wave thing

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Rosetta

Last night, I woke up at about 12:30 and had trouble going back to sleep.  Then, I woke up about 4:30 with intrusive visions and thoughts.  I was pretty miserable.  I didn't get back to sleep for long when my daughter woke me up.  Finally, I was sound asleep when it was suddenly time to get up.

 

I got my daughter off to school, went for my walk -- a shorter one today.  Lots of driving unfortunately.  It's too hot here.  

 

I've been very irritable and angry at the world today.

 

I've been having dystonia since yesterday or the day before, but it's not too bad.   Most of it goes away when I move around enough.  

 

I wish I could take naps.  I'm so tired, but I can't relax during the daytime.  I'm watching my cat happily sleep, and I'm so jealous!

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Rosetta

Thanks, Rabe, @wantrelief @FarmGirlWorks and Rus.

 

I think WD makes everything worse.  I'm afraid to try anything, as well.  I felt great when I was pregnant although I was very tired.  Everything seemed normal for pregnancy.  Feeling exhausted and achy, but nothing miserable like WD.  I even felt pretty good for a few months after my baby was born, and I had the initial insomnia from the switch.  I wish I had known not to switch!!!!  Grit.  Why didn't that OB know? 

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Rabe

Hi Rosetta...thinking about you.  Hoping your day gets better....with the intrusive thoughts and what accompanies them...and your sleep.  Glad you have been able to walk. I dont blame you for the anger you feel...I go back to treatment a lot and ask myself why did I take that medication! 

The medical field is so specialized that each doctor has tunnel vision it seems...they only know/care about their own area and dont look beyond that unfortunately.  Back when there were just family practitioners it was better...some anyway...because they did everything...they dealt with everything, not just one small part of the body.  I worked for a number of those doctors and it was the best education ever and they knew so much more.  Sadly things have changed so so much. 

Take care of you!💜

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neroli
On 8/17/2018 at 11:04 AM, Rosetta said:

Neroli, I think that we all go through that, periodically, when we are in WD -- the feeling of being unable to relate to other humans, that perception that our worlds are shrinking, and the fear that it will never expand again.  I also think there's a time when that feeling goes on for weeks, and we feel worried about how it is affecting our friendships.  Some people say, "I found out who my friends were," but when one has so few to begin with even the fair weather ones give us some feeling of connection to the outside world, and we don't want to lose that.  I don't have any friends who I feel I could ask to help me through this.  There aren't any that would understand why I can't do the minimum to live.  That makes me realize how isolated I was before I CT/fast tapered.  I've moved too many times, and I've been sick for too long.  Sometimes I think about getting a therapist just to have someone who would meet me once a week consistently!!  Sad, I know.  

Thanks, Rosetta.  I understand you.  I'm in a relatively new community for me and I was making inroads to getting more connection before this s**t escalated.  I'm lucky that I have someone to walk with when I can.  I have a colleague at work who has been going through similar stuff and we have been support to each other - but I've gone up to a new level of incapacity and I think maybe there is a gap between us widening.

 

I'm sad that you don't have anyone to at least listen to you though this - as a friend - and I don't think seeking a potential therapist is sad.  I'm also looking into finding a counsellor or psychologist to go and offload some of this stuff - there's only so much that friends can take.

 

I wish us both (and everyone else) the best of best through this rough ride.

 

love

 

Neroli

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RusTW

Rosetta Im hoping you get some good rest.Its hard during this to have a full nights sleep.it helps when we are lucky enough to.Its strange my last Window came after not sleeping much.I know that feeling of watching pets sleep especially napping.I can't watch too long.I got a blind hound dog that's all he does is sleep and howl in the middle of the night poor guy.Well good rest to you .Better days ahead☺

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Rosetta

I'm feeling particularly bad today.  The hormone issue is still troubling me a lot..  I'm having Akathisia today.  It's still here at 5:20 p.m. I had a cortisol spike early this morning and woke from a terrible dream about spiders. I have felt "fried" ever since.  I had a complete meltdown this morning.  I cried, and cried and cried.  I just can't stand the chaos in my brain during Akathisia.  After breakfast, I went shopping and got some new Tupperware.  Then, I tried to track down and organize my old Tupperware, but it was so scattered across the kitchen and a mouse had been in the cupboard.  A pretty dumb reason to meltdown, but it is about the fact that I can't keep anything organized and under control.  Other people keep moving my things around and bringing things into my house, and just need the world to stop!!

 

I chatted with my daughter's teacher last night at the ice cream social, and I felt awkward and weird.  The principal and the librarian were there in the group, and I felt so socially awkward with all of them.  I was never like that before WD.  

 

My daughter was tested yesterday for reading.  She loves for me to read to her, but she told me yesterday that she hopes she is put in the lowest reading group so that she doesn't have to read chapter books.  Not something I want to hear!  I have not pushed her to read very much this Summer as she resisted so much.   I don't feel that arguing with her in my condition is very good for either of us.  I pushed the math, and I'm sure she will have retained the ground she had last year for that, but I'm extremely concerned that she is going to develop an anxiety disorder.  She described to me a panic attack the other day.  She pretended to hyperventilate which is something she does sometimes when I ask her to read or do math. She wasn't actually hyperventilating. Then, she said "When my heart beats really fast how do I make it stop?"  I said, "Is it doing that right now?"  She said, "Yes."  I didn't know what to say except, "Well, it should calm down.  Tell me if it doesn't."

 

We had a birthday party to go to.  I was so happy that Emma was invited, but for me, it was a bad day for it.  I did not get my walk in.  

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