Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Kostas]

Be well and happy Rosetta! 

And keep the cat 🙀 at safe distance! 

[Rosetta]

Last night was not horrendous, but not good, either.  Eventually, I had to heat my shoulder wrap.  I have not had a bad dream in a long time, but I had an awful dream at about 5:00 am.  I never went back to sleep. I don't believe so anyway.  

 

Cortisol spike when I woke up. Felt extreme fear and sadness (about missing my daughter's life) for a few minutes.  Very strong emotion.  Her front teeth are ready to fall out.  I can't get it together to get some pictures of her before that happens.  

 

Today was a much better day than I have had since the wave reached its peak.  Had my walk.  Walked to the school and back.  Visited with a friend up the street while our kids played.  

 

Very nervous about starting to volunteer at the school -- mostly about getting ready in the mornings.  Anticipation anxiety is a major part of WD for me.  Trying to find clothes and be places on time.  Missing things that are not in their proper places, getting the kid going, whether I have clean clothes, how I look, etc.. Maintenance.  It was never my strongest skill, but I did fine before ADs.  I guess it's about the anxiety caused by ADs and WD.  So debilitating.

[wantrelief]

Hey Rosetta - Thanks for your message on my thread. I am so glad you had a better day today!  I related to what you wrote about anticipatory anxiety - I get that these days whenever I have to leave my house....I so look forward to the day when everything is just easy again, not so much thinking and worrying about everything.  I hope everything goes well with volunteering at your daughter's school.  I remember your writing about some good experiences you had volunteering last school year.  💗

[Rosetta]

Thank you @wantrelief

[Rosetta]

Awake in the night as usual.  Worried.  So tired of being in that state of mind every night -- it's so emotionally dark.  Today started rough and got better.  I was awake at 5:00 with a cortisol spike.  Lay there trying to sleep again for an hour and a half.  Finally got up around 6:30.  I was so anxious that I didn't go to drop off.  I tried to distract by reading. 

 

Poor appetite this morning.   Anxiety eased around 11:00.  Went to gymnastics and dinner with no problem.  Was excited and happy that my gray hair cover worked!!  Time for bed.  Crossing my fingers that I won't wake up tonight!

[newbeginnings]

On 12/31/2017 at 10:46 AM, Rosetta said:

Hello to all. I cannot write much or often due to tardive dyskinesia (or dystonia?) of my right eye, arm, neck, tongue and face.  Reading, writing and using my phone, tablet and desktop exacerbate this condition.  

 

However, I would like to add my voice here and say two things that I feel are important:

1. You will in all likelihood get better - much better, and

2. If a moderator suggests that you reinstate, please read the horror stories of those of us who did not have that chance before you decide that you "do not want to go "backwards."" 

 

I believe I developed serious side effects in 2005 or 2006 including dyskinesia, but I did not know that the drugs could cause that. Before that, I developed anxiety in 2002 or earlier which I did not have to any appreciable degree before taking Celexa. I sit here now in disbelief that I suffered from increasing anxiety for 9 years on Celexa (and 5 years on Zoloft), and the doctors simply raised the dose, not by a little, but by 50 percent each time for Celexa.  I also realize now that I developed dystonia in my feet and toes and my chest and neck, but I had no idea what it was, and doctors' appointments resulted in no doctor suggesting the medication could be the culprit.  I didn't even know the terms dyskinesia or dystonia.  No one mentioned them either.

 

In 2011 I gave birth to a girl.  That very night, the OB at the hospital switched me from Celexa 150 mg to Zoloft 10 mg with no cross taper, no advice and no warning of the Hell I was about to endure.  After many nights with no sleep due to this switch I finally started to sleep again.  

 

Then, over the next 6 years the doctors kept raising the dose by large amounts despite increasing anxiety and what I now know to be akathesia, dyskinesia, and various other side effects including cognitive decline, increasing OCD, and inability to see reality.  I threw more and more amazing parties, and I became a hoarder.  Buying things on eBay became my job it seemed.  I became obsessed with organizing my home, but it was impossible without a professional to help, and I could not see that.  Until my child was about 4 I was functioning, but I thought I was a bad organizer, a bad mother, and a terrible wife.  After having had horrendously stressful jobs that I managed pretty well, I could not understand why I was so bad at being a wife and mother with a much less stressful job.

 

Eventually, I showed some signs of serotonin syndrome and mania, but I was probably spellbound by the medication (as Breggin suggests can occur.) I believed I was normal, right about everything, etc., and my husband could not convince me otherwise.  I enjoyed all the energy I had and could not understand why almost everything I tried to do did not work.  All my projects caused a lot of anxiety for me and my husband, it was nearly impossible to complete any of them, and I would often start a new one whilst struggling to complete a previous project.  I could not believe what my husband was saying -- that a professional carpenter, bricklayer, party planner, etcetera would be needed.  I began to cut corners or abandon plans in order to complete a project or be ready for a party.

 

I had a great deal of trouble leaving the house by 2015.  I could not be prepared for all of the possible disasters while I was out.  I had to cancel or be late to many activities.  I couldn't keep the house, cook or do laundry or organize clothing, toys, kitchen supplies, etc.  I count NOT THINK straight at all.  I became unable to socialize well by mid 2015.  I stopped working in early 2016. I was not willing to cut corners for work so I stopped altogether intending to start again very soon.  I could never do that.  I continued to develop dystonia of my foot and toes and my neck and chest on my right side and slightly of my left toes, but, again, I didn't know these terms, I never connected this to Zoloft or Celexa, and I thought I was just not stretching or exercising enough.

 

In late 2016 I decided to stop taking Zoloft.  Using Xanax had worked for a few hours for anxiety, but I knew it was addictive.  So, I used it only once every 3 days until I realized that after it wore off I became very angry.  My child was 5, and I could not bear it if I yelled at her.  I decided that discontinuing Zoloft was my only hope.  If I micromanaged my child and taught her to feel anxiety over every mistake, I would not be able to live with that.  I knew which behaviors were harmful to her even though my personality was utterly changed since I began medication.  I could not, however, see how harmful my behavior was to my husband.  He had begged me to stop with the projects and the hoarding, but I could not, and I could not see how it harmed him.  I did recognize that I was not perceiving reality, and that I needed Xanax to get through all activities that were ordinary or not.  I marveled at how other mothers with 2 or 3 children managed so much better than I did, and it worried me that I could not work.  Something was very, very wrong and it was very likely to be the Zoloft.

 

I looked up how to stop Zoloft on webmd or maybe a different site, and I checked many others to verify the information on other "reputable sites."  All I found were instructions that parroted the quick taper that the pharm cies and doctors knew.  I never saw anything about this site or Breggin or any other doctor who was aware of tardive withdrawal, PAWS, etc with regard to SSRIs.  So, I made the worst mistake of my life - I "tapered" 150 mg in about 6-8 weeks.  

 

I found SA after it was too late to reinstate.  I am a person who doesn't trust the pharm cies.  I don't feel comfortable with the high number of vaccines for babies and young children.  I'm suspicious of the flu vaccine, statins, and, of course, benzos.  I try to eat organic food and even if I don't I make sure my child has organic eggs and milk.  Despite that predisposed mistrust of pharmacology, I never thought to question a quick taper of Zoloft because I believed it was not "addictive!"  I had a honeymoon period for about 5-6 months until August or Sept 2017.

 

I am now medication free for 10 months.  It has been HELL a hundred times over.  I am still experiencing waves.  It's been a few weeks, 2 or 3, since I wanted to die, and all my symptoms are less intense and less frequent except right side bruxism and dyskinesia/dystonia of my face, neck, jaw, chest and eye plus numbness on my right side in my arm, hand, face, nose, eye, jaw, hip, leg, foot and toes.  I am no longer living in terror and fear and wishing an accident would take me from this world.  I still have cortisol mornings in a wave, and I need to keep my mind occupied at all times, but I am not exhausted and weak all the time.  The insomnia I had in Sept and October is gone seemingly for good.  There are many other mental and physical symptoms that are gone or are less intense.

 

Thank you for reading and I look forward to meeting each of you.  I hope you all recover quickly and take some solace in seeing the progress I have made.

 

Peace, Rosetta

Hi Rosetta i saw this post and just wanted to mention i was on citalopram for about 4 years i C/T in 2007 i never really thought about tapering or got any advice about it. Not long after coming off citalopram i started to get tremors and pulling and pain in my neck and shoulders. I was eventually diagnosed with dystonia which was obviously caused by the medication though im surprised it didnt show till after the C/T. At the time i was having a lot of gut issues and didnt realize any it was related to the C/T i was young and didnt put two and two together and neither did the Drs.  Anyway im still managing my dystonia and im recovered from the antids but now tapering off benzos prescribed for my dystonia! Just wanted to share my story about the dystonia with you.

 

All the best with your recovery

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @newbeginnings. I wish you hadn't been prescribed benzos!

 

We got to bed later last night than I intended.  I had some tea at dinner.  I was almost asleep when my daughter woke me up.

 

Then, I was in the bathroom for quite a while.  The magnesium.  I have been taking mag only every other day or every three days.  It's not working out. I don't go to the bathroom except on the days I take mag.  Really not working out.  I don't have diarrhea every day now, but I have terrible cramps and pain after I take mag.  I guess it's better to take it every day.

 

After that I ended up reading until late.  I didn't stay wake in the night as I usually do.  I only woke up if my daughter kicked me or yelled in her sleep, and fell back asleep each time.  When I woke up at 6:45 -- not 5:00 -- I was quite pleased.  

 

Today, I felt pretty good.  Very low anxiety in the morning!!!  I helped with art in my daughter's class.  Then, after about 1:00 I was very, very sleepy.  After I picked her up at school, I was unable to do much of anything.  The opposite of anxious.  However, I was irritable that I had to try to manage the rest of the day, and I couldn't just isolate.

 

Its 8:00.  Bedtime.

[Rabe]

So glad you were able to help with art in your daughters class!!  That is WONderful!  HUGE!  Yay for those special moments, Rosetta!  SO happy to hear!

 

Wanted to say I am not able to take supplements per se, though may try fish oil...but getting magnesium through food seems to help.  There are many foods and drinks high in magnesium.  For some reason it is less harsh on my system if taken in food form than in supplement form.  Just a thought.  Coconut water has a fair amount and greens and nuts and seeds etc...take care!💜

[Rosetta]

Last night, I woke up at about 1:45.  I read instead of lying there worrying.  That was somewhat better.  I felt "dark" and sad and worried as I always do in the night, but the reading was a distraction.  When I woke up this morning, I read for a while again to avoid worrying.  It seems to work.  Maybe this is a solution.  

 

Today, I'm rather calm.  It's hard to stay calm with other people asking me for things and to go out.  I want to go out, but getting ready is difficult.  My daughter keeps "spelunking" through the house pulling things out.  That increases my anxiety.  She wants me to pay constant attention to her.  That's difficult as she is doing something different every 10 minutes.  My brain can't take that in stride.  It's very jarring.  Yet if I agree to watch her she does the same activity 30 times in a row, and I can't stay concentrated on the activity.  Typical issues for parents, I know, but for me my anxiety level is always being ramped up by the constant changing subjects or the attempts to get my attention.  I need to pull things together and leave the house.  It's always better when she and I can focus on the same things outside the house.  Things that don't remind me of my house full of things I need to cull.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

So good to hear you’re having some calm moments. Great that reading helped as well, you sound like you have a good plan there. Reading helps me to zone out, especially novels. I can’t always read though due to severe brain fog but when I can I find reading novels really get me into flow n I can chill. I haven read one for a while. Maybe another thing I need to incorporate again. 

 

Have fun reading. 

 

Sending hugs🤗🤗

 

 

[Rabe]

Thinking of you Rosetta!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Rabe.  I'm thinking of everyone, but I can't read threads.  Sorry.  I am trying to stay away from reading about WD.  It causes me to become anxious.  I'm going through another sort of ping ponging stretch, I believe.  It's a little less pronounced than before.

 

Yesterday, I ended up going to the beach and taking a 3 mile walk.  I felt pretty calm most of the time. I took a small amount of magnesium before going to bed.

 

Last night, sleep followed the usual pattern -- awake and anxious at about 1:30 or so.  I tried turning down the temperature, then using my shoulder wrap, but when I started to worry I decided to read a book.  I spent a long time trying to find a book on Kindle.    I'm probably awake longer if I read and maybe quite a bit longer.  I checked the time at about 3:00.  By the time I found a book I was tired.  I decided to try to sleep again.  I slept later than I expected, and I had no cortisol spike.  The same was true yesterday morning.. I think I woke up at about 7:00 or so.

 

I had diarrhea this morning.  I've been reading a little while my daughter plays.  It's almost noon.  As usual, I'm overwhelmed by my house, and my daughter has been spelunking.  I do feel calmer than usual on a weekend.  

 

Someday these waves will stop happening.  It's very hard to wait for that.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to get out from under this mountain of stuff.  When will my brain let me do that?!

[Rabe]

I so want those things for you as well Rosetta!  People who have a 'normal' life and complain about things have no idea how much they have!  Take care!

Grateful to hear your sleep was better...no spikes! 💜

[Rabe]

You will get that normal life, Rosetta.  You are already well on your way!!!💜

[Rosetta]

Monday: Read in night while unable to sleep.  Clenching jaw while sleeping.  Bad headache in the night.  Big cortisol spike in the morning after a very bad dream.  Bad headache upon waking. Awful feeling trying to get going in the morning.  Walked on beach, and felt better.  Able to prepare for teaching art on Friday.  Not sleepy in the day despite little sleep.  Went to library with daughter after school.  Helped her get reading done.  Diarrhea.

 

Tuesday:  Read in night while unable to sleep. Had had small dose magnesium before bed.  Bad headache from clenching jaw in sleep, again.  Woke up after cortisol spike in the middle of the night.  Up a long time reading.  May have slept a little while before wake up time, but likely had only sleep from 9:00 pm to about 2:30 am --  4 1/2 hours.  Period is due soon, and sleep is often disrupted at that time.  Felt so unable to cope with the morning that I took daughter to school late.  I let her sleep an extra 1/2 she needed instead of putting myself and her in an anxious situation.  Walked on beach.  Did not get sleepy in afternoon.  Went to library with daughter after school.  No diarrhea -- normal.

 

Wednesday (TODAY): Woke to cortisol spike about 2:30.  Headache from clenching jaw.    Had had small dose magnesium before bed.  Never went back to sleep.  Started to worry, so I got up to work on art project for Friday.  Feeling very creative.  Plenty of brain fog.  Takes a long time to figure out how to do what I want to do with creative thoughts.  Lay back down about 5:00 or 5:30, but could not sleep.  Had about 5 hours sleep.  My daughter didn't really fall back asleep after waking at about 5:30, either!  Took a walk by the creek.  Got overheated.  Picked daughter from school, and got overheated again.  None of my systems are working properly. Attribute this to period ring due soon.  Slight headache most of day.  So tired -- physically exhausted.  Anxious a bit -- mostly frustrated, worried for future.  

[Carmie]

 

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just want to let you know I’m thinking of you. This certainly is the hardest thing we are ever going to do in our lives. Imagine the day when we no longer have withdrawals. It will be amazing just to feel more like ourselves. 

 

The road is long n arduous but we will get to the end of it one day.

 

Wishing you all the best💚

[Rosetta]

Thank you @Carmie and @Rabe.

 

This is crazy.  I've been awake since 2:30.  A cortisol,spike woke me up.  It's 6:30 how.  I've been thinking about how to fold a circle into a pentagon and an equilateral triangle. (Has to do with an extension of the concept upon which the art project is based.  See Ed Emberley's art books.  The one called Picture Pie is the basis of the project.). I hope this insomnia goes away when my period arrives!!

[mirage]

@Rosetta Hang in there. You are doing a lot despite the symptoms. You are a strong person. 

 

Hugs and prayers

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...for not sleeping you are amazing!  I looked up the book and its all about cutting circles in to fractions?  So amazing and such fun while learning!  So happy that you are able to be doing these things with and for the art class....so much progress!  I am so happy for you!!!  Take care.  Hope sleep is better tonight!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @mirage.  Thanks, Rabe.

 

Today turned out well.  How incredibly bizarre.  More on that tomorrow.  It's bedtime.

[wantrelief]

So glad to hear your day went well, Rosetta!  :)

[Rosetta]

19 months post rapid taper from 150 mg Zoloft

 

Thursday, Friday and Saturday went well.  Today was a day involving an enormous meltdown.  

 

Thursday morning I awoke at 4:30, and didn't go back to sleep, Friday was the same, and Saturday I awoke at about 5:00.  This morning (Sunday) it was 5:30 that I woke up, but I dozed a bit after that until about 7:00.  I had about 8 hours of sleep last night for the first time in about a week.  I saw this as a good sign.

 

Thursday, Sept 11th, was a good day, but I don't think I walked.  I can't remember why.  I felt anxious in the morning as always, but more normal than I have in quite a while.  I knew I should be walking because Friday I might not and then weekends are usually bad for me -- too much stimulation.  I also felt a bit manic.  The lack of sleep probably caused that as well as hormones.  (Still no Mother Nature.)

 

Friday went well, too.  The art class was fine, all told, for a first time attempt.  It was a surprise to me how slow the kids were.  We couldn't finish the part of the project I devoted the class to complete.  They were very slow to wash their hands.  I didn't factor in 10 minutes for that!!  Overall, it went ok, but it was very unsatisfying for me.  I gave them a choice of animals to make -- a fox or a dog.  I thought the animals were similar enough to keep everyone's attention, but they weren't.  It would have been better to plan for one or the other with 7 year olds.  They need to be constantly occupied, apparently, and having to explain a part of the fox that didn't apply to the dog and vice versa allowed time for them to get antsy, I suppose.  Getting their attention back was difficult.  I'm not sure, but something about the whole thing felt messy.  I don't think it was just me.  Then, we ran over 10 minutes because of the hand washing for 23 kids at one sink.  I'll pass out wet wipes next time.

 

Saturday went very well, and I thought that maybe I was going into  a long window.  I was very excited to have 3 good days in a row without enough sleep.  I was leery, too, but I was hoping for the best.  My daughter and I stayed home together while my husband went out for the afternoon and evening.  We made muffins in the morning, read a book, and did an art project in the afternoon.  I was able to do a lot of dishes, put a lot of dishes away, and I did a load of laundry and worked on some stains.  I even lay down to read and accidentally had a tiny nap.  I did not have cortisol spikes, but I wasn't able to sleep for more than a few minutes to about 15 or 20 minutes at a time.  I kept waking up and falling back asleep.  I felt worried about what might happen if I feel asleep.

 

This morning started off well.  It's Sunday.  I woke about 5:30 and went to get water.  Then, I went back to bed and lay there a while.  I dozed until about 7:00.  I felt good when I got up.  I got out ingredients for pancakes that my husband makes on Sundays.  I rounded up some books to have for my daughter and checked their reading levels online.  I sorted them to keep those in her reading level together, and put them on a shelf.  I looked up a science project for her to show her class.  (Yep, every second grader presents a little science project.). I helped her with the oil and milk and water and milk experiment, and I wrote out the reasons that milk sinks in each and why it forms spheres in oil, but not in milk.

 

All the underlined parts above are things I normally can't do because of brain fog and anxiety.  Sorting and gathering things up and finding places for then to "live"  cause me a lot of anxiety when I have brain fog.  Planning and preparing ahead for her science project is a big, big deal.  Normally, I can't plan.  Unloading the dishwashing is usually impossible because I can't think clearly enough to put them all away.  I get very upset about the fact that my brain won't work.

 

That at nap was the first one without a cortisol spike, I think, in years!!!!!

 

This morning, my husband said he wanted to go to his mother's today. Trying to leave the house with my daughter to go to her grandmother's is very, very stressful for me.  I immediately became anxious when he said that.  My daughter has a urinary tract infection that I have been trying to manage.  She's not sleeping well, but last night she did.  I thought, "I don't need this.  I don't need a day out and preparing for a day out, and getting home late with school tomorrow, and trying to keep her hydrated.  I started to stress as soon as my husband mentioned it although we go almost every Sunday.   I thought I would be able to handle it nevertheless.

 

I ate breakfast, and my husband started bringing me sacks of clothes from the bedroom to ask me what they were and what to do with them.  I answered the questions while realizing that I had forgotten the clothes existed.  It upset me to be reminded that there are so many things in this house that I can't keep track of.  I told him they need to be washed, but I have no where to put them when they are clean.  I started to stress about where to put them.  Then, my husband went upstairs and started vacuuming.  My anxiety level started rising higher and higher the more I could hear that vibrating noise.  On Wednesday, we had cancelled the cleaner for Saturday because I wasn't sleeping well.  I thought I would get a break for the whole weekend from that vibrating noise that sets off my anxiety, but no.  He didn't think to warn me that he was going to do that or ask if I could handle it. 

 

The straw that broke the camel back: My daughter showered, and when she came to me to cuddle afterward I saw something was stuck in her hair.  Never mind what, but it's very hard to get this piece of a toy out of hair.  It takes at least 1/2 an hour with conditioner.  I completely lost my mind.  It was like a shock came over me.  I panicked.  These meltdowns always happen that way.  Things start happening -- I'm expected to go somewhere, and then someone brings up things I've left undone, then there's some  a leaf blower, or a vacuum cleaner, and finally some unexpected mess that I have to clean up or something else happens that would not be a tragedy for anyone else.  My body just reacts like it was the end of the world, and I start crying.  I asked my husband why he had to use the vacuum cleaner, and he got upset, and I got more upset.  I told him I had been doing well all day yesterday with my daughter alone, but it was too much.  I needed everything to stop, and everyone to let me have peace.  I just kept crying.  Then I felt SI.  When my husband gets angry, I always feel that.  

 

My husband told me later he would not have used the vacuum cleaner if he had realized what would happen.  He said he thought it was a day that was safe for that because I have been doing so well.  He said he didn't know how to shield me from the world any more than he already does.  He was gone all day for his friend's birthday yesterday.  He is rarely gone, but I never got a break yesterday from being "on."  When I was napping, I was afraid to let my self fall asleep because he wasn't here in case something happened -- if someone broke in, for instance.  If it were just me, maybe I wouldn't feel so worried, but I'm worried about being able to care for my daughter.  Silly, I know.  Of course, I would wake up.  I suppose that I'm hyper-vigilant even on a good day, and it's exhausting.  

 

I dont know.  I woke up so hopeful this morning that maybe I had come to a long window.  My period never arrived.  All those headaches, but nothing ever happened.  I guess this could be a hormone fluctuation irritating my nervous system today.  I feel so defeated.  

[Rabe]

Im sorry you are feeling defeated, Rosetta.  Just wanted to say good heavens!  Im really really excited to hear all that you DID do!  Holy cow!  Thats FABulous!!! 3 good days in a row!  AND overseeing 23 little ones in an art class and accepting all that went with that...amazing!  Staying home with your daughter AND the muffins, book, art project, dishes, and laundry..and no spike nap!  Today you got what was needed for pancakes, rounded up books, checked them, sorted them and put them on the shelf! You looked up a science project, helped her with it and wrote out the results!  

You dealt with one thing at a time and made it through all of them!

Today, it seems, too much came at you at once and your mind was not up to handling that.  I hope that you will be kind to yourself, not feel defeated by today after the 3 days prior.  You did SO much, as you said were 'on' all day yesterday,  and really handled things today until you just could not anymore.

I hear so many wonderful things in what you wrote...much to be proud of!  You are so strong, so persevering.  I hope that rather than focus on today you will be able to put it beside all that occurred the past days and know that you are truly amazing!!!💜 

 

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Rabe.  You are right about all that I accomplished.  I wish I could be sure that I would not meltdown in front of my daughter ever again, and if I could know that, I would trade all the other accomplishments.  I am so worried about how that affects her.  She feels that it's her fault because she got something in her hair.  I can't convince her otherwise. I tried.  Kids always think everything is their fault.  I used to think that I was made to feel everything was my fault as a kid BY my mother, but it seems that it's just something kids think.  I wish she would believe me that it isn't.

 

Thanks for stopping by on Thursday, Wantrelief.

[Rabe]

I believe that if we show vulnerability and strength then our children feel it safe to do the same...you do that for her Rosetta.    

From my own experience,  she will grow beyond the feeling of things being her fault because she will learn that sometimes there is no fault...sometimes things just happen.  

Once when younger Nina turned on a bath and forgot about it and we all hopped in the car and ran a few errands.  Came back and the dining room ceiling had a waterfall coming through it!  I just stood there frozen...my oldest and his friend ran and turned off the bath and got towels.  She felt awful and pummeled herself and nothing I said could lessen that...but as she grew she could better understand we all learn from what we do and dont do.

You are devoted to her...she knows that.  💜 

[DMV64]

On 1/23/2018 at 2:38 PM, Rosetta said:

switching drugs can cause the same effect as WD,

Thanks so much for writing this. It was really helpful for me to read today. I am having a bit of an information overload from "all sides" docs, etc. And this gave me some perspective.

[mirage]

Hi friends. I want to share todays readings with you. Both are speaking to us.

 

You will not find My Peace by engaging in excessive planning, attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief. When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you. Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities something unexpected pops up and throw things into confusion. I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all of  your needs, your hopes and fears. Commit everything into My care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace. 

 

I hold a vision of goodness and create the life I want to live. As I reflect on the direction of my life, I consider the things I would like to experience. I picture the result I want. I think about how I will feel when this blessing comes to fruition. I take these thoughts and feelings into prayer and envision the goodness I desire. I hold a vision of peace, light, and love. My inspired vision sees beyond any appearance of chaos or limitation to the beauty and perfection that is inherent in all creation. I look past any seeming challenge to the completion of my inspiration. Fully connected to the creative power within, I hold a vision of overflowing goodness. I see life rich with joy, love, and peace. I know that all things are possible, and I am open to my good. 

 

Hugs to all 

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rabe.  That makes sense.  I don't like her to see me feeling afraid and distraut, and my husband's reaction to it almost always makes me feel those feelings more intensely.  He panics then, too.  That makes me panic more.  It's so much better if he isn't around when this happens.  I keep asking him to stop reacting with his own fear, but he can't.  He just can't.  

 

Mother Nature arrived this morning.  Do I feel better?  I think so this time.  Last night when I went to bed at about 7:45 or 8:00 I took half a Unisom.  Unisom has Benadryl in it.  I slept until about 12:30 a.m.  I was awake for about 1 and 1/2 or 2 hours -- reading -- I worried a little, too but then I slept until 6:30!!!  I had at least 8 hours of sleep.  I was not groggy when I woke up.  I didn't have a cortisol spike either.   It's now almost 1:00 p.m., and I just had lunch.  I'm feeling a bit sleepy.  

 

My daughter's UTI seemed worse last night.  She couldn't go to sleep until almost 9:00.  So, I let her sleep in until about 8:30, and I took her to the doctor.  She had at least 11 hours of sleep.  We were given some penicillin based antibiotics.  She was feeling better this morning and didn't have as much pain when peeing as last night.  She's had no fever at any time.  I took her to school at about 11:30.

 

Thanks, @mirage    You may have intended to post that on your own thread?

 

[Rosetta]

Slept until about 1:30 am.  Woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  So, I read for a while.  Reading aggravates the dystonia/muscle tension in my right eye, neck, shoulder and chest.  Otherwise, the dystonia doesn't bother me too much.  I probably fell asleep again at about 3:30, and I slept until 7:00.  Therefore, I had 8 hours.  

 

I was able to get up and volunteer in my daughter's classroom this morning.  Getting out of bed is a lot easier these days.  I had no cortisol spike.  I as t too anxious getting ready this morning although we were running late.  It's 10:15 now, and I need to go for a walk.  

 

One thing that has changed is that I don't come home from volunteering feeling very sad the way I used to last year.  This was my first Tuesday to volunteer.  The other time I was there was last Friday to teach art and also the Friday before.  I used to think I felt sad when I came home from volunteering because I was lonely at home.  I'm still lonely at home.  My home is still a mess.  Something in my mind must have changed, however, because I don't feel as bad after being out and around all that activity.  The teacher did not ask me to sit with the kids who were writing today.  I found that very frustrating last year.  Instead, I was walking around the classroom helping the kids who were doing independent seat work.  The kids at the writing table were on their own, and the teacher was with the reading group.  What I was doing was far less frustrating than sitting at the writing table.  I'm wondering if being frustrated, and therefore anxious, last year was putting me into a depressed state after the "threat" was over.

[mirage]

Hi Rosetta. You sound like you are doing really well. I love hearing about your activities with your daughter. My kids are all grown so it is fun to read your post about it. 

 

Sending hugs and prayers to you

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to say it’s great to hear that’s it’s easier for you to get out of bed these days. 

 

Wishing you sunshine in your day☀️☀️☀️

[Hazel]

Sounds like you are making some good improvements Rosetta!

[Rosetta]

Hi @Carmie @mirage @Hazel  Thank you.

 

More normal sleep has returned.  I slept from about 8 to about 4 a.m.  That's 8 hours.  My daughter woke up to go to the bathroom, and after that I couldn't sleep for a while, but it did not last hours.  I woke up at about 6:45 the next time.  So, I probably had at least 10 hours.  Quite unusual.  I didn't have any cortisol spikes either.  So nice to wake up feeling normal.

 

I got anxious when someone called and upset my husband with stress over something that turned out to be no problem.  For about an hour I felt stressed.  Then, I walked on the beach.  About one mile into the walk I felt better.  I walked 4.4 miles.  I walked to picked up my daughter from school and went to the library with her.  We walked home.  That was 45 minutes more of sunlight. I put a load of laundry in.  

 

My daughter is coming home from her music lesson now.  We need to do homework now.  She is suppose to do 15-30 minutes of math and 20 minutes of reading a book every night.  This tends to take at least 45 minutes to an hour.  An hour of homework 4 nights a week for a 7 year old!! It's insane, but if we don't do it at least 2 nights a week, her teacher will make her stay in at recess to do it.  The private school are not any better.  If anything they are more insane.  So, I'm trying to act as if it's normal and help her focus.  As it is her teacher makes her stay in for recess at least once a week to do independent "seat work" that she can't finish during class.  I don't know how she will get enough sunlight this Winter.  At least she has PE 4 days per week.  Otherwise she gets only two 15 minute recesses.  So, she doesn't eat all of her lunch.  

 

I don't know what to do about any of this.  I'm hoping that if we do this work at night now she will be able to do it faster and the time will reduce to 1/2 hour per night.  That is what the teacher says this should require -- 20 minutes of reading plus the 1 and 1/2 to 2 pages of math.  

[Rosetta]

Someone just reminded me that I had a lot of allergies and congestion in the Spring of 2017.  I even had an inhaler prescribed.  I didn't have allergies this Spring, but we didn't get much rain either.  I hope I'm done with that.

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

How nice to wake up feeling normal - that must have been a moment worth a million $$$$.  Glad you had that and hope for more for you.  Sounds like other things are working better for you as well.  I"m very impressed that you did an art class with young children - that takes some doing.

 

I agree with you about the homework your daughter is supposed to do - seems like nowadays it's pressure from early childhood onwards.

 

Here's hoping you have some more good sleeps.....

 

Neroli

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 9/18/2018 at 10:26 AM, Rosetta said:

I was able to get up and volunteer in my daughter's classroom this morning.  Getting out of bed is a lot easier these days.  I had no cortisol spike...One thing that has changed is that I don't come home from volunteering feeling very sad the way I used to last year.

Both of those changes are great news, Rosetta. I notice subtle changes too from the way I felt last year and am glad to see that they are improving even if I still have symptoms still in play.