Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

Thank you @neroli

 

Hi, @FarmGirlWorks.  Glad you are seeing improvement, too.

 

Sleep was fine last night.  Woke up about 12:00 midnight, and went back to sleep more quickly than usual.  Woke up again about 5:30 am.  

 

I didn't have have a cortisol spike this morning, but I started feeling anxious not long after I woke up.  Today, I'm irritable and uncomfortable.  I feel very annoyed by everything. I hope this isn't the beginning of another wave.  Maybe it's just PMS type symptoms.  That sometimes happens in the middle of the period these days.  Ugh!!

 

I had a short walk today.  I saw a friend for about 3 hours.  I haven't eaten much.  Nothing sounds good, but I'm hungry.  I've had an egg, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, half a peach, and some crackers and blue cheese.  

[Rosetta]

Yesterday, I thought I was going into a wave, but today was fine.  My daughter and I made muffins yesterday.  She didn't feel well enough to go to gymnastics.

 

Sleep was quite good last night.  I was probably asleep by 8.  I woke up at about 12:30 from a deep sleep because my daughter had to go to the bathroom.  After that I couldn't go back to sleep.  I read for about 3 hours and fell asleep again around 3:30.  I awoke from a solid sleep at about 6:45 am.  Almost 8 hours.  

 

I was calm this morning.  I had no cortisol spike and not much anxiety.  I helped teach art.  I thought I was going to have to teach, but when I got there the teacher had something prepared and the aunt of one of the girls was there.  So, I prepared for nothing.  I wasn't as upset about this as I would have expected.  I guess that's a sign of healing.  Then, the aunt and I divided the Fridays in October between us.  One will lead and one will assist.  I was a bit disappointed that I won't be deciding the curriculum.  I had many plans, but this is probably going to be easier on me given that I will have more waves.

 

Being at home is easier this week, and being with my daughter is easier.

 

I haven't noticed any ill affect from the 1/2 dose of Unisom (Benadryl) that I took recently -- last weekend maybe?  So, I'm happy that I can use that when I feel very agitated at night.

 

I'm still able to do dishes and laundry.  I made muffins twice this week and dinner once.

 

Overall, I seem to be getting a nice window break.  Even the dystonia has been very mild for the last 24 hours when I'm reading.

[wantrelief]

52 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Overall, I seem to be getting a nice window break.  Even the dystonia has been very mild for the last 24 hours when I'm reading.

Great news, Rosetta!

[Rabe]

Oh Rosetta!!!  SO happy to read your post!!!  Healing healing healing!!!💜 

[neroli]

Great news, Rosetta.  Here's to the window!

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you all!  This is a good window.

 

I slept fine again.  I was awake for a couple of hours reading, but then I slept until about 7.  I think I was asleep by 9.  So, I had about 8 hours.  No ruminating.  No cortisol spikes.  No dystonia.  

 

Today, I went through the kitchen cabinets throwing things away, trying to find all my Tupperware, etc.. What a mess.  I felt some anxiety, but it wasn't intense.  Throwing things away is not as hard for me as it used to be.  That "symptom" has improved so much.  I put as much as I could in recycling, but some things I had to toss, and I don't feel guilty about it.  There is a lot more to do, but I feel good about getting some of it done.  I kept my head throught the whole process!!! So unusual..  

 

No one came to clean.  The house is dirty, but I feel much more calm without that stress.  I'll have to clean some this week if I can stay in this window.  There's a wedding that my daughter is going to be in in early October.  I have to buy dresses for us both.  Then there is so much to do before Halloween -- prepare a Halloween craft/party for the kids at the school and get a costume for my daughter (she wants something I can't buy -- we will see).  That's about all I can hope to accomplish in one month considering the fact that I'll have at least 2 waves due to hormone disruptions before the 25th.

 

My digestion and food processing is quite a mess right now.  I'm not having much luck getting the magnesium dose right.  I think I'm dealing with a moving target.  I forgot to take magnesium for a couple of days -- probably Thurs and Friday -- resulting in a traffic jam.  The roadblock came down today, but I have no idea why or how.  I have gas and mild cramps.  If this were the worst symptom of WD, I'm sure I would hate it, but I'm so grateful that it's all I'm dealing with today.

 

In the afternoon, we went to my MIL's.  I chatted with her while my husband and daughter went for a swim.  Then, we had dinner there, and came home. Time for bed.  So strange to have a "normal" day on the weekend

[Rabe]

SO wonderful to read, Rosetta!!!!💜

[wantrelief]

How lovely to have a normal day....wonderful news, Rosetta!  

[neroli]

Yay! Normal feeling AND clearing cupboards. 

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'll have to clean some this week if I can stay in this window.  There's a wedding that my daughter is going to be in in early October.  I have to buy dresses for us both.  Then there is so much to do before Halloween -- prepare a Halloween craft/party for the kids at the school and get a costume for my daughter (she wants something I can't buy -- we will see).  That's about all I can hope to accomplish in one month considering the fact that I'll have at least 2 waves due to hormone disruptions before the 25th

errrr, that sounds like quite a lot to me.

 

💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, everyone.  

 

Sleep was fine last night.  Typical awakening around 12:30.  I had finished my book.  So, I spent a long time on Kindke trying to get a new book.  Didn't find one before I decided to try to sleep again.  I saved the one I found for later.  I was awake for maybe 1 and 1/2 hours.  I woke up about 6:45 or 7.  

 

Very soon after I woke up I started feeling anxious -- mostly about my messy house.  I got up after my daughter woke up about 7:30.  She only had about 10 or 10 and 1/2 hours of sleep, but it was apparently enough.  I shouldn't have read the news.  

 

Then, I had a muffin and some milk, and I started to clean the floor in my kitchen/family room.  I hoped I would feel better if it was clean.  I had to move so much stuff just to get to the floor.  I moved the couches and swept under them.  Then, I mopped.  It was going well until . . . I accidentally knocked a martini glass into the floor, and then I had a meltdown.  The adrenaline after the scare was intense.  I didn't stop crying until I took a shower.  My husband finished the moping.  Now, about an hour later, I feel sick to my stomach.  

 

Something like that happens, and I start to think about how dissatisfied I am with my life.  I am so unhappy with where I am living.  I have almost no friends, and those I do have have very little in common with me.  They have kids my daughter's age.  That's almost all we share.  My politics and values are essentially the opposite of most of the people who live near me.  I think that's part of the reason why I'm so lonely. Everything in my life is about my daughter.  I feel that there is nothing for me, nothing that is about me or satisfying to me.  I suppose all parents feel this way after 7 1/2 years of having a small child.  Everything with my daughter is so intense and very up and down and anxiety producing.  All the ridiculous stuff going on in the news makes me worry for her future.  I have a very pessimistic outlook.  I guess I'm feeling depressed.

[Rosetta]

I felt depressed and hopeless all day yesterday.  Took my daughter to get a dress for the wedding she is in, but the dress wasn't there despite the web indicating it was.  Bought nothing. Walked up and down the mall a lot.  Got lost trying to find the car.  Good to get some exercise, but not a fun experience.

 

Still feeling hopeless in the middle of the night.  Was only awake for about 2 hours or less.  I tried to avoid reading because of the increase in muscle tension that it causes, but eventually I heated my shoulder wrap and read a bit.  I'm was grateful that I became sleepy quickly.  Then, I woke up at about 6:30.  Getting to bed was Hell.  My daughter was like a pogo stick.  We lay down at 7:45, and she was still bouncing around at 8:30.  I was very angry with her.  I felt terrible, and she wouldn't listen to me.  Being a parent is extremely depressing sometimes.  

 

I had dystonia or muscle tension developing on my right side last night.  It persisted through the night, and I woke up with a headache this morning.  My eye hurts, my neck hurts, my chest is tight, my temple hurts a bit, my toes are curled back and my hip and the front of my calf feel tight.

 

I have to remember that this will pass.

[Rosetta]

Made it through the day.  I went for a walk.  I felt better after that.  I was feeling very sad and discouraged at about 9:00 am when I wrote the post directly above.  I went for a walk at about 1:00.  Then, I picked up my daughter.  After that, we went for an early dinner.  I had no lunch.  I was able to enjoy the food. I haven't felt like doing anything productive today.  

 

My husband has been in a bad mood for a few days.  That always affects me so much, and my mood affects him.  

 

I've been reading a lot today to distract, and the dystonia has been troubling.  

 

Now its almost 7, and I'm very irritable.

[neroli]

On 9/24/2018 at 7:23 AM, Rosetta said:

The adrenaline after the scare was intense.  I didn't stop crying until I took a shower.  My husband finished the moping.  Now, about an hour later, I feel sick to my stomach.  

 

Something like that happens, and I start to think about how dissatisfied I am with my life.

So sorry it was a tough day, Rosetta, it is things like that that can throw us off.  I am the same - if a tiny part of my schedule is thrown off, so am I.  My latest concern is ants - now that summer is coming they are on the march again and are coming into the house - I get tense and anxious because I don't know if I can even make the extra trip to the store to get ant powder and then I worry that they will get everywhere and blow out my electric sockets, like they have done to the neighbour down the street.  if it wasn't so distressing it would be hilariously funny being on ant-watch!

 

I do hope you get another day soon, like the ones you've just had where your body let you relax a bit.

 

Thoughts are with you

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @neroli. We have ants, too.  Zip lock bags for everything!!  At a certain of year they come for wate, and then nothing stood them, but a poisonous spray around the outside perimeter of the house.very frustrating.  I've never heard of them ruining electrical systems!

 

Journal:

Irritability at bedtime was pretty high.  Awake for hours in the night.  Woke up to a cortisol spike.  Felt a lot of muscle tension and electricity in my arms at first.  No walk today.  I had to go with my husband in the carpool lane so that he could get a building permit.  The anxiety wore off around 9:00 or so. At least I got several hours of sunlight.  I was so sleepy around 1:30, but I walked back and forth to the school this afternoon.  Now I'm home, and I wish I could nap.  I'm grateful that I haven't felt too sad or unhappy today.  

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to pop by to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’m sorry you’re still going through so many symptoms but I’m glad that you had a day where you weren’t feeling too sad. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Carmie

 

Slept ok last night -- same wake up, but went back to sleep faster.

 

Not much of a cortisol spike this morning.  Worried that I'm getting no exercise because my daughter had to stay home to rest.  My husbamd is out all day.  So, I'm stuck.  She's not sleeping either.  That means I get very little down time.  

 

It's almost 12:00 noon, and I'm feeling sleepy.  Maybe that's a good thing.  I may have less anxiety today.

[Rabe]

Hope things continue on a good road today Rosetta...thinking about you as always.💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rabe.

 

I just took a real nap!! I even dreamed!  It was kind of a bad dream, but it didn't upset me much.  It was almost as if I knew it was a dream.  When I woke up , NO cortisol spike!!! Amazing!

 

 

[neroli]

Bliss, Rosetta!  Being able to take a real nap is just so wonderful!  Those little things make all the difference and are sorely missed when the 

'waves' don't permit it.  Pleased for you - and a tad green with envy!  

 

May they happen more often.

 

Neroli

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @neroli

 

Yesterday, I was very anxious when I woke up.  I had a cortisol spike.  I had slept all right -- typical pattern.  After my daughter went to school I went for a walk.  I had dystonia most of the day yesterday.  I was reading too much.  I went to the gymnastics class although I didn't want to.  I felt crummy yesterday.  I could attribute that to the news, but I think it was equally WD crumminess.  

 

Sleep last night wasn't bad either.  Not good, but not bad.  Another cortisol spike this morning.  I think most of the problem is that I feel so depressed in the middle of the night.  I wish I could sleep through and avoid being conscious.  I wish I could sleep late, too.  I suppose I wish I could sleep anytime I feel anxious or sad.  Before I took ADs I could.  Depression is definitely better than WD.  So much better for me.

 

I went for a walk this morning, and I went to the school to help with art at 10:30.  I'm irritable and sad.  I have felt this way since getting up.  I felt sad when I left the school.  It's a little better than it was last Spring.  As I left the school I felt angry and my face felt hot the way it might if I were embarrassed.  No real world reason for that.  It's just some imbalanced neurotransmitters.  Everything went fine at the school except that the materials for next week's art class are not available.  I don't really care.  I would rather plan something else, but this will no doubt be a problem all year.  Frustrating.

 

Right now it's almost 2:00.  It's time to pick up my daughter.  I am very sleepy, and I have nodded off a few times in the last 1/2 hour.  More dystonia today.  I keep reading to distract.  I can't find anything to watch on TV.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just wanted to let you Im thinking of you. It’s good you’re getting sleep. Terrible though how our emotions are all over the place. Sad one minute, numb the next, then frustration comes around etc etc. We don’t know where we are at half the time.

 

Glad you’ve found that reading is a good distraction for you. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rabe]

You're so creative I think it is kind of nice for the kids that you didnt get the materials...they'll love what you do!  

Grateful you are sleeping better over all.

The emotions, and sometimes lack of them, and the fact that they dont seem to match what is going on is difficult...I find a kind of DP with it ... like Im not really a part somehow.  

Grateful for your walks...I miss mine...hope to get back to some of that soon.  Take care Rosetta!💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Carmie and @Rabe

 

Still feeling crummy most of the time.  Sleep is more or less ok.  I was awake in the night for a while after a middle of the night cortisol spike last night and the night before.  Yesterday, I was not able to sleep late, but today I did fall back asleep for a bit.  I did not have a cortisol spike this morning. (I can't remember if I did yesterday morning, but probably so.) 

 

Today is pretty much the same as yesterday -- sad, depressed, unable to do much except that I fulfill my obligations just barely.  

 

I took my daughter to a birthday party yesterday.  We fed her first, but that didn't stop her from crying when things didn't go her way.  She didn't get much candy from the piñata, and that was a disaster!!!  She sat on a wall and pouted.  Eventually she got over it, and participated in the party again while the reptile show was going on.  She held a baby ball python, and that seemed to cheer her up.  

 

I was pretty bored.  There was no one there from my own culture except for one man who was extremely uncomfortable and didn't respond to my attempt to chat.  I used to enjoy those situations, but the older I get the more I simply want to feel comfortable and to not be ignored and avoided.  I think that if I had more opportunities for socialization I wouldn't mind the occasional awkward situation, but being in WD doesn't lend itself to having many opportunities.  Someday, I hope to have small gatherings at my house, too.  I think that day is a long way off.

 

Onward.

[Rabe]

Wanted you to know I have been thinking about you and hoping things have gotten better in past couple days, Rosetta.💜

[Rosetta]

Yesterday was Monday.  Went for a walk.  Sleep the night before was the same as usual - Waking in the night, but not having too much worry while I was awake.  Yesterday, I picked my daughter up from school.  We went to the library for her to log the books she has read and answer comprehension questions.  Then, we came home.  My husband was out. 

 

Last night's sleep was similar, but I woke up very anxious this morning.  

 

Today, I had to volunteer, and I felt overwhelmed by the kids.  They were practicing contractions.  I got confused, and found it hard to help them.

 

I didn't want to go for a walk, but I did.  Then, I picked up my daughter.  We went to the library again.  She isn't using the restroom at school, and it's becoming a problem.  She's afraid to ask permission to go.  She says her teacher doesn't want her to go during class.  I'm getting concerned that she will get another infection.  

 

I've been feeling very down and worried about the future.  The ugliness surrounding the Supreme Court nomination is very depressing -- on so many different levels.  It's been bothering me for many days, and I can't tell how much of my worry is neuro emotions and how much is "real."  My husband is feeling low, too.  He always takes the end of Summer very hard.  It's difficult for me to stay up when he's down.

[Rabe]

Im sorry Rosetta.  I talked to my therapist and she said the hearings have been triggering for many of her clients for many reasons.  I have tried to stop hearing it but its all that the news is it seems.  I think it very sad what is happening..very sad.

I woke so anxious again .... dot know if is just that or if is cortisol ... dont know how to descern, not that makes difference I guess.  Sorry you are still dealing with that!

I can see where contractions would be confusing...especially when trying to help a number of wee ones.

Im sorry that the teacher seems to be sending a message of not using the bathroom during class.  Do you think it might help to talk to the teacher about your concerns?

Take care of you!💜

[wantrelief]

I have been thinking about you and wanted to pop by to say hello.  I hope you are doing ok.

[Rabe]

Thanks for stopping by Rosetta....been thinking bout you!!! 💜

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hey @Rosetta... how's it going? Thinking about you and wondering how you are.

[DMV64]

Hey Rosetta!

How is it going??

[Rosetta]

@wantrelief @Rabe @DMV64 @FarmGirlWorks

 

Thank you you all for stopping by.  That means a lot.

 

I feel the same as I did last Monday -  very down and depressed.  This morning I cried and cried almost immediately after getting out of bed.  I felt anxious and then my daughter said her socks were too small.  I find it so hard to go on day after day.  I am so tired.

 

I've been doing everything I'm supposed to do -- Tuesday, I volunteered at school, and that was hard as I felt confused.  I told a kid that the contraction for a verb was something no one has used for about 150 years.  He said it didn't look right.  I agreed, and said that no one uses that form these days.  It was as if I had been in a college class about grammar just the day before, but I could not, for the life of me, think clearly about the practical answer to this kid's question.  I was stuck in logic mode.

 

Tues, Wed and Thursday, I was irritable especially about the fact that my daughter was in a wedding for which she had to rehearse on Thursday night.  I was not looking forward to the wedding.  Too many hours with too many people I don't know while feeling pretty much nothing but pessimism about the human race -  yea, sounds fun!

 

Friday, I taught Art -- the concept of perspective using oil pastel crayons with a watercolor overlay.  It was messy, and I was anxious the whole time.  That evening there was a festival at the school.  We were there until about 7:30.

 

Saturday was the wedding.  It was exhausting, and I'm still angry that I got no cake because they didn't cut it until 7 1/2 hours after we arrived.   The food was served at 3:30, but the cake wasn't cut until 7:30.  Isn't that unreasonable?  The only thing that made it ok that I had to go to this wedding while feeling terrible was that I would get cake, but we couldn't stay that late.  I couldn't sit there for the last 3 hours.  I know it sounds ridiculous that I am still irritated, but that gives you an idea about how bad I feel.  I love wedding cake!! A stupid piece of cake was going to make it all right, but No!  There were 6 tiers sitting there staring me In the face for 3 hours, and I knew it was delicious because I recommended the bakery!!!  I gave up at 6 pm when my daughter asked about the cake, and someone said it would be one and a half hours more.

 

I've been trying to walk despite how I feel.  I think I walked about 4-5 times in the last week.  Over these last couple of days I walked by taking my daughter to the zoo on Sunday and an amusement park yesterday.  

 

My period started yesterday.  My muscles are very tense in my jaw, neck shoulders, arms and legs. I have very little appetite, but I'm hungry.  I have a slight feeling that is like Akathisia -- that vibrating feeling in my arms and legs.  My anxiety level isn't too high right now.  It's 4:45 pm.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Im sorry you’ve been so stressed n that you missed out on the wedding cake. Could you have asked someone to have kept you a piece? Maybe there is still some left?

 

Im sooooo sorry that  your depression is so bad at the moment too. 

 

Here’s wishing you better days💚

 

 

[Rabe]

19 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I've been doing everything I'm supposed to do

 

I think it speaks volumes Rosetta to your strength and determination that you are doing all that you need to do inspite of how you feel mentally and/or physically!  You are an inspiration though you may not feel like it.  Take care of you too!!!💜

[wantrelief]

I can't say it better than Rabe did - you are indeed an inspiration.  Sending lots of hugs - WR. 

[Rabe]

and I say if you know the bakery then order a small cake and have it how you want and when you want and as big a piece as you want!!🎂

[FarmGirlWorks]

For the record, that is ridiculous to make guests wait that long for cake. I would’ve been irritated too!