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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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FarmGirlWorks

Hey @Rosetta... how's it going? Thinking about you and wondering how you are.

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DMV64

Hey Rosetta!

How is it going??

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Rosetta

@wantrelief @Rabe @DMV64 @FarmGirlWorks

 

Thank you you all for stopping by.  That means a lot.

 

I feel the same as I did last Monday -  very down and depressed.  This morning I cried and cried almost immediately after getting out of bed.  I felt anxious and then my daughter said her socks were too small.  I find it so hard to go on day after day.  I am so tired.

 

I've been doing everything I'm supposed to do -- Tuesday, I volunteered at school, and that was hard as I felt confused.  I told a kid that the contraction for a verb was something no one has used for about 150 years.  He said it didn't look right.  I agreed, and said that no one uses that form these days.  It was as if I had been in a college class about grammar just the day before, but I could not, for the life of me, think clearly about the practical answer to this kid's question.  I was stuck in logic mode.

 

Tues, Wed and Thursday, I was irritable especially about the fact that my daughter was in a wedding for which she had to rehearse on Thursday night.  I was not looking forward to the wedding.  Too many hours with too many people I don't know while feeling pretty much nothing but pessimism about the human race -  yea, sounds fun!

 

Friday, I taught Art -- the concept of perspective using oil pastel crayons with a watercolor overlay.  It was messy, and I was anxious the whole time.  That evening there was a festival at the school.  We were there until about 7:30.

 

Saturday was the wedding.  It was exhausting, and I'm still angry that I got no cake because they didn't cut it until 7 1/2 hours after we arrived.   The food was served at 3:30, but the cake wasn't cut until 7:30.  Isn't that unreasonable?  The only thing that made it ok that I had to go to this wedding while feeling terrible was that I would get cake, but we couldn't stay that late.  I couldn't sit there for the last 3 hours.  I know it sounds ridiculous that I am still irritated, but that gives you an idea about how bad I feel.  I love wedding cake!! A stupid piece of cake was going to make it all right, but No!  There were 6 tiers sitting there staring me In the face for 3 hours, and I knew it was delicious because I recommended the bakery!!!  I gave up at 6 pm when my daughter asked about the cake, and someone said it would be one and a half hours more.

 

I've been trying to walk despite how I feel.  I think I walked about 4-5 times in the last week.  Over these last couple of days I walked by taking my daughter to the zoo on Sunday and an amusement park yesterday.  

 

My period started yesterday.  My muscles are very tense in my jaw, neck shoulders, arms and legs. I have very little appetite, but I'm hungry.  I have a slight feeling that is like Akathisia -- that vibrating feeling in my arms and legs.  My anxiety level isn't too high right now.  It's 4:45 pm.

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Carmie

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Im sorry you’ve been so stressed n that you missed out on the wedding cake. Could you have asked someone to have kept you a piece? Maybe there is still some left?

 

Im sooooo sorry that  your depression is so bad at the moment too. 

 

Here’s wishing you better days💚

 

 

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Rabe
19 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I've been doing everything I'm supposed to do

 

I think it speaks volumes Rosetta to your strength and determination that you are doing all that you need to do inspite of how you feel mentally and/or physically!  You are an inspiration though you may not feel like it.  Take care of you too!!!💜

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wantrelief

I can't say it better than Rabe did - you are indeed an inspiration.  Sending lots of hugs - WR. 

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Rabe

and I say if you know the bakery then order a small cake and have it how you want and when you want and as big a piece as you want!!🎂

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FarmGirlWorks

For the record, that is ridiculous to make guests wait that long for cake. I would’ve been irritated too!

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Rosetta

Good idea, Rabe.  I would like to not have that much cake in my house because I would eat all of it, but it's a good idea.

 

Today I woke up with another cortisol spike.  They are so much more frequent at this time of month.  I really believe they contribute to a feeling of depression!!  The cause and effect sequence is almost always present.  I stressed so much yesterday about getting my daughter to school and today I decided to let her sleep, go slow, and get there whenever.  She was over an hour late,. That made everything less stressful, and I didn't melt down.

 

Right now it's 4:30 and I feel my anxiety rising.  This is clearly hormonal because it is usually much lower at this time of day.

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Rabe

You sound better...so grateful to hear!!💜

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Rosetta

Today is Thursday.  On Tuesday, I cried and cried immediately after waking up.  Today was even worse.  I didn't know when I would stop crying.  I wanted to die so badly.  All the happened was that there was no toilet paper in one bathroom.  That's it.  That set me off.  On Tuesday it was because my daughter's socks were too small.  

 

I cried for what seems like an hour, all through my bath, and I missed out on taking my daughter to school.  

 

During the the night my muscles were very, very tense.  When I woke up, both in the night and in the morning, I was in pain.  It wasn't severe pain and no headache, but it's been unrelenting muscle tension for about 4 days -- only after sleeping is it painful.  It's something akin to grinding my teeth -- the same intense muscle contraction.  During the day, it subsides unless I read.  

 

I felt completely worn out and hopeless when I was crying.  Still, I went to the school to prepare for tomorrow's art lesson.  I saw my daughter, and I hugged her.  She must be so confused.  How my behavior affects her is always on my mind.  I used to be able to hold back my tears until she was at school.  Now, it comes over me suddenly and without warning.  I have no control over it, and it makes me so angry.  I'm so angry that this has happened to me.  

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Carmie

I’m so sorry Rosetta that you’re in so much emotional pain, 

 

I wish I could take it away. This is a horrible journey n we can feel so alone as we are the only ones in our body. No words can take away the pain. 

 

Sending you a massive big hug🤗🤗🤗

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Rabe

A hug is warm and speaks without words....Im grateful that you had that moment.  💜  

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wantrelief

Oh Rosetta, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment.  As uncomfortable as the crying can be, I hope it at least released some tension for you.

You are so amazing for still making it to the school to prepare for your art project with the kids - I hope it goes well today.  Big hugs - WR.

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Rabe

Thinking about you Rosetta!💜

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Rosetta

Thanks, everyone, for commenting.  It's nice that you understand.

 

I need to ask for reassurance from a Mod.  Anyone's reassurance would be welcome, in fact.  I'm scared.  Now, it has been 20 months since I finished a rapid taper from sertraline/Zoloft.  This last week has been very rough.  I guess this could be a wave?  The 2 year wave 4 months early? Or just a wave, a random wave.  The changing of the angle of the sunlight in Fall?

 

counted the days and realized that there were only 21 days between my September period and my October period which started on Sunday.  Maybe the hormones have been particularly disruptive to my CNS this time around?  I feel that with every period I'm going through something similar to when other people taper.  Is that apparent to anyone else reading my thread?  This one was worse than other recent periods.  Last month, I felt that the hormone disruption was getting better.

 

Tuesday, I had a terrible meltdown in the morning because my daughter's socks were too small.  I hadn't been keeping up with the laundry. Thursday I melted down -- again right after waking up -- because one bathroom was out of toilet pater.  When I melted down this week, I feel intense fear and anger over minor, minor things.  Then I feel such depression.  I feel so guilty about my poor daughter having to see that.  I have no control over it.  I hold back the reaction to the anxiety as long as I can, but normal, insignificant life annoyances -- without any warning -- cause me to lose my mind.  This must be so damaging to my daughter.  I apologize to her, and I hug her, and I try to remind her it's not her fault, but the truth is that most of my anxiety centers around her -- what I'm trying to do for her, and it's usually something she's involved with that tips the scales over to the meltdown stage.  She must feel the correlation.

 

Yesterday was Friday.  That morning, I woke up very anxious.  It felt like the anxiety I used to have about a year ago.  I felt naseous.  I think that instead of a cortisol spike I've been having more gradual increases in cortisol in the mornings.  The cortisol is probably going pretty high.  Thus, the nausea?  (I think the spikes have been coming in the middle of the night around 1:00 a.m. and waking me up.). Although I slept ok and didn't worry too much during the time in the night that I was awake, early in the morning I was worrying a lot about losing my daughter and my husband.  I was worrying about losing photographs of my daughter when she was little and about my house being so out of control.  

 

I keep telling myself those things can't really hurt me, but I can't convince myself of that.  I keep thinking about death and dying and the people I love dying.  I feel that I need to do something about it.  It's irrational but I feel that I'm not "living right," I'm not organized, I'm not ready for disaster, I'm not being a good parent -- something like that -- it's a very strong feeling.  That feeling of imminent doom, and being caught unprepared.

 

Unlike Thurs and Tuesday, on Friday, I was able to hold back crying until after I dropped my daughter off at school.  I took some magnesium Friday morning.  I've been forgetting to take that lately.  I wonder if it's a crucial part of managing anxiety or if this is simply my hormones causing havoc.  

 

I went for a walk and then I had to go to the school for art at 10:15.  I got through that ok.  It was easier than the Friday before.  I had prepared the materials on Thursday although that was the last thing I felt like doing that day.

 

Today is Saturday.  I didn't have the pain and muscle tension all night, thank God.  I woke up from a cortisol spike in the middle of the night -- about 12:30 -- and I worried a bit, but I wasn't awake too long.  After I woke up in the morning, I was ok -- not well, but ok -- until someone used a leaf blower.  Fortunately that stopped quickly. Then, I calmed down, but I felt depressed.

 

I have been terribly frightened this week that I am going back to how I used to be.  That something has reignited the intense destabilization, and that I'm going into a terrible wave.  However, things seem to be calming down.  I hope so.  I'm stressing about my house and all the stuff scattered everywhere, and I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

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Gridley

I am so sorry you've been feeling so bad.

 

House in chaos I can relate to.  What helps me is to let it go.  Like with you, the tiniest stress can set me off.  Right now the kitchen doesn't look too good.  I accept that.  

 

Yes, it's better to stay with the magnesium on a regular basis.  Dissolve in water and sip throughout the day.  This can be a marker of stability, just preparing your little glass and having it with you like a comfort blanket.

 

I have bad thoughts about mortality too (I am 70) especially in the morning.   A good thing to do is  "change channels."

 

You have a beautiful soul, Rosetta.  Well, we all do, but you are expressing it beautifully.

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Rosetta

Thank you, @Gridley.  Yours is beautiful, also.  I can't believe how damaging ADs can be.

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Rosetta

I have had three severe cortisol spikes since midnight.  Each one makes me nauseous.  The second one was after a terrible dream that someone was following me home and the pointed a gun at me, but then didn't shoot.  I woke up in a complete panic.  After I heated my shoulder wrap and put on my eye pillow to try to avoid another spike in the morning, I went back to sleep.  That was about 5:00 am.  At about 6:45 or 7 I had a huge spike, and about an hour later I'm still reeling.  In addition to nausea I feel slight pain in my gut.  My arms and neck and shoulders are very tense as is the back of my head.  

 

I'm still having my period.  I'm very tempted to take a Unisom, but I'm not sure that that is prudent.  It's probably ok.  I took 1/2 of one during my last period and didn't have problems.  However, I took 1/2 of one last Saturday, too, and here I am.  I've been eating a meatloaf that came from Trader Joe's.  I'm wondering if that has MSG in it.  All in all I think this is just a bad wave complicated by my period.  

 

I'm very afraid.  I can't talk myself out of the idea that something terrible is going to happen.

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wantrelief

Oh Rosetta, I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  I do wonder if your period is making you feel worse.....I know my symptoms do seem to be negatively impacted by hormonal changes.  I am hoping once your cycle passes you'll feel some relief.  I wish I could give you a big hug in person. 

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Rosetta

It's 9:15.  I'm crying because I'm afraid.  I'm trying to accept this.  It's a phase.  It's temporary.  I'm drawing a bath.  I have to hang on for my child.  Otherwise . . . I don't know if I could.  I never felt this fear before I took ADs.  I felt quite bad sometimes, but the intense fear wasn't there.  I know it's not real.  I keep telling myself it's not real, don't let your mind attach it to anything in your life, don't be tricked that way, you can't "fix" your life and stop this fear.  The only way to stop it is to relax and refute it.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  You are perfectly safe.  Nothing can hurt you.  You are at home.  It's safe here.  Oh, when will this end?

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Rosetta

Thanks, @wantrelief.  I wish I could get that hug.  Before I saw SA, I never heard of this happening to anyone who wasn't in WD.  I never dreamed this could happen to anyone.  It's so intense.  At least I know I can recover.  This is Hell.

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wantrelief
2 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

At least I know I can recover

Yes!  It is great you can express this even when you are feeling so miserable.  It doesn't feel like it at times but you will recover.  And maybe after this wave you will feel a different level of recovery - that is my hope for you.

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Rosetta

Thank you for being there, @wantrelief.  Just when I need you.  I'm feeling a bit better after having some breakfast.  I may not have been eating enough lately.  My husband isn't eating because his stomach hurts after he eats.  He's been very sad and unhappy lately and stressed.  This is all taking a toll on him.  He tries to keep me fed.  I've have very little appetite lately.  He's struggling to feed me while he's not eating.  I'm trying to feed myself, but on the days I feel particularly bad, I eat the minimum.  So, maybe it's a blood sugar issue contributing to this.  It is so hard to keep up with just providing the basics.  We make sure our daughter has everything she needs and our needs come second.

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wantrelief

It could be a blood sugar issue.  I do find my symptoms are sometimes worse when I haven't eaten. One of my symptoms is that food is unappealing to me so I have to force myself to eat regularly, especially protein.  I am sorry about your husband....I worry about my partner too and how this is impacting him/us.  Sometimes all we can do is focus on the basics.....I feel like that is a lot of my life right now actually.  I am really glad you are feeling a little better and hope your day improves from here.

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brassmonkey

Hi Rosetta--I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now, but it will pass.  If you read back through your thread you'll see that there is a pattern of windows and waves that is quite strong.  The windows are good but the waves are very harsh. The things you're are writing right now are exactly the same as the ones you wrote during your last wave and the one before that and the one......  You've made it through the others just fine so there is every reason to believe that you will make it through this one too.  Work on trusting in yourself and your body,  you've been through this many times now so you can start to believe that you can do it again.  The secondary panic being added to the situation is only helping to make things feel worse.  This windows and waves pattern is going to keep up for a good long time because of the rapid taper.  As time passes it should start to calm a bit with the swings being milder and not so upsetting.

 

Please be kind to yourself, you're doing an excellent job of working your way through a very tricky and upsetting time.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brassmonkey 

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Rosetta

Thank you, @brassmonkeyIt's very hard right now to believe this will ever end.  I want to believe you are right.  I will heal someday, but I'm afraid the damage will be done.  

 

My husband probably has an ulcer.  My child keeps complaining that her stomach hurts when its time to do something she doesn't want to do.  The variety of foods she's willing to eat keeps getting smaller.  She avoids using the bathroom at school.  She doesn't want to be away from me.   She keeps trying to cheer me up.  She sees me cry over and over again.  I don't feel I have the ability to limit this damage.  I keep thinking there must be a way, there must be a silver lining or a way to turn all of this into a strength for her?  Is that possible?  If so, how?  When?  After I'm well?

 

One of the Mods said some time ago that I may start feeling better at the 2.5 year mark based on 1/2 the time a proper taper would have required.  She said this was a possible rule of thumb that could be applied.  Nine months away.  It's very hard to imagine that I can last that long and that I will ever feel safe again even if I do.  

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Cheeky

Rosetta I don’t respond much, as I’m

not the best writer, but 

want you to know that you will be okay. Don’t let the fear make you think otherwise. I admire your strength and your daughter will learn  so many valuable lessons from you , to never give up and to keep going.

 I’m sending you all my love xxxx

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Rosetta

Thank you, @Cheeky. That's so kind of you.  And it helped.  I'm feeling better tonight, but afraid to go to sleep.

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Cheeky
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you, @Cheeky. That's so kind of you.  And it helped.  I'm feeling better tonight, but afraid to go to sleep.

Don’t be afraid , tomorrow will be a better day. You must remember this will pass, ride out the wave.

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Sheera

Rosetta—your wave sounds similar to one I went through a few months ago. I am at 23 months right now. I felt the same panic and intense anxiety and thought the same thoughts. I thought it was never going to end. I have two children and felt so much guilt about them. My wave did lift and when it did I had the most beautiful window I’ve had since this experience began.  What you are going through right now is going to lead you to a calm and peace that you haven’t known in awhile. Hang in there—what really helped me during that time was reading Claire Weekes book. I had tried before but I don’t think I was ready. During that wave I really worked on what she suggests in her book. There are also audio of her talking and it was and still is very helpful to me. 

Big hugs to you—

Sheera

PS—my sleep has improved immensely since that wave. 

 

 

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Rosetta

Thank you @Cheeky and @Sheera

 

Sheera, that's very reassuring.  I used to feel so much more positive in between waves.  Not this time.  Maybe I see that you are right.  

 

Cheeky, thanks for reminding me.  Each time a big wave hits, I'm so afraid of going back to months of Hell, but it might not be that way.

 

Last night was similar to the night before - a large cortisol spike in the middle around midnight, and a huge spike this morning.  Same nausea and feeling of having been poisoned, but I ate breakfast anyway.  Fortunately, it was school day, and I managed to get my daughter out the door without losing my cool.  My husband didn't sleep at all last night until very early this morning.  I'm worried about him.  I'm going to distract this morning until the sick feeling and anxiety wear off.

 

Tomorrow is my volunteer day in my daughter's class.  I hope I can get through it.

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Sheera

@rosetta Yes you will make it. You have made it when you have felt even worse than this. I know what you mean when you say you used to be more positive between waves. After so long I think this wears on us. I read somewhere on here that others go through the same thing about this time. I just keep trusting that they are right.  

 

It is hard to be a parent at the same time we are going through this. It def adds another level of stress but I am hopeful my children see me as an example. When times get tough we do the best we can and look to those we love to support us unconditionally. When your daughter is older you can explain to her all of this and she will understand how tough and resilient you are. This too shall pass. More hugs. 

 

Sheera

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Rosetta

Thank you, Sheera.  Having a child through this is very hard.  Thanks for your encouragement.

 

Today, once the anxiety wore off, the pain was mostly physical -- a headache most of the day and then a wicked headache.  I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the library.  I walked there and back.  That made me feel better.  I helped her read a book at home which gave me the wicked headache.  It was my left eye that was so painful.  I tried to not look at my daughter's book except when she needed help with a word, but that didn't help.  Then, I had to lie down in a dark room.  I just ate dinner and had electrolytes.  It's time for bed.  My husband doesn't want to me take 1/2 a Unisom.  He's afraid that caused this wave.  I doubt it, but I'll try to go to sleep without it.

 

Time for some magnesium and bed.

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Rosetta

The anxiety continues.  Today it's been worse than yesterday.  The headache went away yesterday evening.  I took my daughter to the zoo after school because I needed the sunshine and the walk.  We had a nice time, and I felt very comfortable.  We saw two native hummingbirds up close.  They were bright, shimmery green.

 

I slept fairly well, and I didn't wake up with a headache either.  There were three strong cortisol spikes.  After each one my body becomes very hot.   I had forgotten that that happens. It took a while for my body to cool down.  I felt nauseous, too.  The last one was right before getting up.  That one was the worst.  I have the black out shade drawn, the door closed, the eye pillow on -- everything -- nothing stops these cortisol spikes.  The feeling of dread and impending doom stays with me for hours.  

 

This morning, I didn't go to the school.  I didn't go Monday morning either, but yesterday, I had to volunteer.  That was hard.  I was supposed to watch over the kids who don't get their work done on their own.  It was awful.  The kids didn't listen.  They talked to each other and couldn't stay focused.  I had a headache that extended throughout my jaw by the time I left.   It really makes me wonder how my child learns anything in that classroom, but she does.  

 

We have parent teacher conferences tomorrow.  I had no idea I would be going through irrational anxiety for my child's early elementary years.  I have been anxious and having cortisol spikes since she was about 4.  A lot about her education and progress frustrates me, but she does handle most things better than the kids I was tasked with helping yesterday.  This is despite being one of the younger kids in class.  So, I suppose it's good for me that I am in the classroom to see how the kids who have trouble learning are different from my daughter.

 

I need to pick her up in 45 minutes.  I really want to stay home, but I can't.  I'm not sure what to do today after school.  We have an hour before she goes to piano with her father.  I suppose I can handle being at home for an hour.  Thursday and Friday there is no school.  I'm very, very nervous about this.  I have much more anxiety when she's home.  That makes me so very sad.  It's easier if I take her somewhere.  So, I need to figure out what to do for the next 4 days.

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Rabe

Sorry to hear your anxiety and spikes are back Rosetta!  I am glad you took care f yourself and stayed home...you had been doing a lot which is so greta.  I know that it si so hard to have the waves of any size return, but I do see such forward movement with you all the time!  You are so wise and such an inspiration!  Grateful to call you my friend!! Hugs!!💜

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