Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[neroli]

Well, this may be a turn in your symptoms, Rosetta!  I guess you'll see how it pans out over time but it would be lovely if this marks more CNS re-balancing.

 

Glad that the day before was a good one for you.  So pleased for you, what a great break after so much symptom challenge.

 

Wishing you the best

 

Neroli xx. 💜.

 

 

[Rabe]

On 3/27/2019 at 7:26 PM, Rosetta said:

Could this mean that my nervous system is getting closer to finding its balance?

I do believe that, Rosetta, I really do...as the shift seems to continue to move farther from mental to physical...at least I hope that is the case.  Love and hugs to you, Roetta!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rus, Neroli and Rabe.  It's so nice to see your comments.  I feel less alone.

 

I decided to avoid having electrolyte powder in my water before bed to see if the middle-of-the-night anxious wake ups would stop.  They did become less of a problem.  I can't be sure there is a connection, but I am glad they aren't as bad.  

 

The really intense cortisol spikes in the early mornings are not happening these days.  I do wake up anxious early, but it's much more mild.  At the time I need to get up I often feel more anxious.

 

I've been having very little dystonia like symptoms.  It lasts for only a while and then goes.  Usually it not very intense, and I can ignore it.

 

Thursday afternoon was easier than I expected.  The morning was hard, but going to the party was fine.  The anxiety wore off earlier.  Friday morning there was a breakfast for my daughter to get an award, and getting up early for that was not as terrible as. I expected.  However, when I had to help with art that day, I felt awful and irritable.   When I brought my daughter home from school I fell asleep for a while.  That's very unusual.  Later, we went to the park.

 

Today, I woke up feeling better than usual.  As the day wears on I feel the expected anxiety of caring for my daughter as she is so energetic and easily bored.  We watched a video about the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs, and we played with a puzzle of the United States.  Now we need to get lunch and go outside.  I'm glad I don't feel the need to isolate today.

 

 

[Gridley]

24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

The really intense cortisol spikes in the early mornings are not happening these days.

 

Like you, my cortisol spikes in the morning have faded.  A great relief.

 

Congratulations on getting outside.  

 

I have noticed a gradual improvement in your symptoms you post about.  Seems like healing is happening.

[RusTW]

Glad things are looking positive for you Rosetta. Hope this continues. 💫

[Rosetta]

I hope so, Gridley.  I have been hoping a Mod from this forum would say that to me.  Thank you for posting that.  It's tough to know I have more struggling ahead of me.  I am very tired, but I think it's good to feel impatient instesd of terrified and completely paralyzed.

 

Thanks, @RusTW.  I hope it continues, too.

 

The last couple of days have been quite bearable.  I can't live a normal life, and that is frustrating.  I'm very uncomfortable in so many different ways: physically, emotionally, situationally, I almost never feel clean, the temperature is almost always too cold or too hot for me, I am usually worried, etc.  It's a general feeling of unease and concern that I hope is going to fade with everything else.  I presume it will.  

 

I had a cortisol spike in the night which caused anxiety and nausea, but I woke up this morning feeling less anxiety.  There was some, but it wasn't at the cortisol level.  Of course, I didn't have to get up as it was Sunday.  The anxiety was worse later, and I took a mag bath.  Now we are supposed to go to my mother in law's.  I just don't feel like it.  I'm so uncomfortable, and she is an anxious person.  I wish we could avoid that today, but if I stay home alone I will feel worse.  I need to stay out of my own head and socialize and go for a walk.

 

[wantrelief]

10 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I think it's good to feel impatient instesd of terrified and completely paralyzed.

This sounds like a really good change, like you've seen positive changes and want more versus being in complete survival mode.  I am thinking about you, my friend.

[DMV64]

On 3/27/2019 at 8:26 PM, Rosetta said:

Could this mean that my nervous system is getting closer to finding its balance?

I think yes!! I am having a window today. We CAN heal. We CAN.

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The last couple of days have been quite bearable.

 

Oh, I do so hope this continues.  And improves.  Like Gridley said, he seems to be seeing some overall improvement from your updates.

 

🙏

 

Neroli xx 💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m so glad you’ve had some improvement. I hope you coped okay with the visit to your mother in law’s place. I hope you’ve managed to get out for some walks too, sending hugs🤗

[Rabe]

I have and would continue to say the same Rosetta....you are healing.  There just are shifts going on....changes...and what you write is quite different from even January.  SO happy that it is really happening for you though Im sure not as quickly or clearly as you would wish for.  Always in my thoughts!  Love nd hugs to you my friend!!💜

[RusTW]

Hello Rosetta hoping your doing good. 

Russ 

[Rosetta]

Thank you all for stopping by!  It's so nice to have people who care AND understand.  

 

I have been up and down, up and down the last few days.  One morning, I had two cortisol spikes in a row, but the sick feeling wore off and the day went ok regardless. 

 

During some of the recent evenings I have been anxious before bed and feeling that Akathisia feeling in my legs.  One night, I couldn't sleep, and I felt manic.  I was having recurring obsessive (really very obsessive) thoughts about getting my house in order.  I looked online for furniture for hours.  The next day, Friday, was a day I had to cry after my daughter went to school.  Then I went to help with art at 10:00 anyway.  It wasn't easy, but I wasn't as irritable as I was last Friday.  Then, I didn't feel very bad afterward, but I forgot that I had driven the car, and I walked home.  I didn't realize this until it was time to pick her up!!

 

It's been very hard to go to the school for volunteering Tuesday and Friday, but I have done it.  Most mornings I wake up in fear or worry or both before light, but one day I felt nearly neutral when I woke up.  One morning at the time I needed to get up I felt I could have slept in if I didn't have an obligation.  One morning I woke up quite nervous, and I started to cry while trying to get my daughter ready.  Another day, I cried after she was at school (that was Friday).

 

I stayed home on Sunday instead of going to my MIL's, on Tuesday I stayed home instesd of going to gymnastics, and the next day I didn't go to music.  In afternoons I feel tired, not anxious, but extremely tired and lethargic.  I haven't been able to actually nap until today (and it wasn't pleasant).  Friday I helped my husband in the yard both before and after school. He's trying to put up solar panels.  (This is very unusual for me.  Having the interest at the same time as a  lack of anxiety such that I can help him with something physical is rare.)

 

Overall, I'm functioning at a minimal level, and sometimes I feel nearly normal but not quite for a few hours.  Sometimes, I think I'm at withdrawal normal.  I am feeling less beaten down, discouraged and worn out than I did recently.  I'm having enough good hours to keep from getting depressed, I suppose.  I'm not sure that WD normal ever lasts for more than a day or two for me.  Maybe that's because I CT'd.

 

Today I got up, showered, ate breakfast and went to look at a sofa.  I was quite nervous, but I did that alone.  I wanted to cancel.  On the way home I felt slightly manic, and I missed about three turns, but I didn't get lost.  Then, I helped my husband in the yard for quite a while.  I fell asleep on the couch for a while, but I woke up scared.

 

I really dislike the manic feeling, but I suppose that's a part of healing, too.  It's different from anxiety, but when I try to describe it it sounds like anxiety mixed with having too much interest in fixing a problem.  Normally anxiety paralyzes me, and I try to curl up and distract.  The manic feeling makes me want to search for a solution to my anxiety.  That's how I found the sofa.  Now I have to follow through and get it here as well as get rid of the old one.  The idea of having to do that fills me with dread and anxiety.  

 

I'm sorry I can't visit threads right now.  I'm trying to keep up with your progress/stories, but I can't write anything at the moment.

@wantrelief @Rabe @DMV64 @RusTW @Carmie @neroli

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Totally understand that you aren't able to visit other people's threads at the moment - it gets us like that some times.  There are times when I'm too fatigued to bother with anything much at all, can barely drag myself up to get something to eat.  So I get it.

 

I like the sound of some the symptoms easing a bit - eg. waking up nearly neutral - so I hope these little breaks from the drag of it all continue and give you glimpses of relief.

 

From your post, it looks like you've achieved quite a bit amid the symptoms.  You're a real trooper.

 

Wishing you lots of good wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, neroli.  There's too much pressure on me right now.  Easter and my daughter's birthday are two weeks apart this year. I didn't have a party for her last year, but she has more friends now, and she wants one very badly.  Maybe my period is coming, but every little problem seems enormous to me.

 

I melted down last night and twice today.  Each time I have cried and cried and felt so completely overwhelmed.  I thought I was ok tonight, but I went to put in a load of laundry and found the liquid detergent had fallen.  The lid broke allowing a lot of soap to spill all over the floor in front of the dryer.  I cannot handle anything right now.  I need the world to stop.

[wantrelief]

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, Rosetta, but you are going to be ok.  You are amazing for everything you do.  Lots of hugs, WR.

[thecowisback]

i'm sure your daughter will understand if you forego the party, or maybe just invite a couple of friends round for a birthday tea. we always did that with ours - they never had a party as i could never cope with the stress of it all. 

[Rosetta]

I hope so, @wantrelief.  Today was much better than last night.  This is crazy.  Completely crazy.

 

Thanks for your advice, @thecowisback.  My husband all ready told her she could have a small party.  She's an only child, and she's so lonely.  We have a park across the street, but I have to make an appointment -- a play date -- in order for her to have playtime.  I really have to give her the chance to play with some friends on her birthday this year.  Nothing elaborate.  It will be ok, but I was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday.

 

I'm trying not to be discouraged.  This up and down and its effect on my family really makes me angry.  I was wishing I could cause this kind of misery to someone who is responsible for all of this!!!

[Rabe]

On 4/6/2019 at 9:59 PM, Rosetta said:

Overall, I'm functioning at a minimal level, and sometimes I feel nearly normal but not quite for a few hours.  Sometimes, I think I'm at withdrawal normal.  I am feeling less beaten down, discouraged and worn out than I did recently.  I'm having enough good hours to keep from getting depressed, I suppose.  I'm not sure that WD normal ever lasts for more than a day or two for me.  Maybe that's because I CT'd.

Hi Rosetta...SO nice to hear this, especially the feeling nearly normal!  Exciting things happening!

Hooray for you on the couch!!!  WOW!  THAT is really impressive and exciting and such a huge step for you!!  Gosh that is great!

Understand not being able to go to threads...sometiems it is too much to even come to the site, others just posting a note is all we can do, and others we can do more....can only give and do what you have...cant give 20$ if you only have 10...but somehow it always seems you are giving more.  You are a true gift Rosetta.  Glad you are taking care of you!  And happy you could get out and work in the yard!  

So many good things happening!  Love and hugs to you my dear friend!!💜

[neroli]

On 4/8/2019 at 3:12 PM, Rosetta said:

I melted down last night and twice today.  Each time I have cried and cried and felt so completely overwhelmed

 

Hi Rosetta

 

I had a melt down on Monday.  Same feelings as you.  The laundry incident would have given me a big wobble, too, I just can't handle anything going off course very well and mopping up the detergent would have clobbered me.

 

I'm glad you felt better today. And yes it is crazy.  You are doing so well to deal with this craziness the best that you can, which you are.

 

Oh, I've often wished drug company execs., PDocs and GPs were given these drugs to take for say a year and then CTd off.  Then many of them would "get it" and hopefully be more careful and caring.  As a community of humans we are truly bizarre (I'm including myself in that).

 

Hoping you get some more settled times.  And that your daughter's birthday goes well.  I admire you for caring for a child midst all this.  I don't think I could care for a hamster!

 

warmest wishes

 

Neroli xxx 💜

 

 

[thecowisback]

are there any after school groups your daughter could join? our kids used to go to scouts and dance classes when they were younger as we live in a remote spot with very few kids where we live. i was always worried they'd be lonely so used to spend most evenings in the  week ferrying them to and from different classes and they made some good friends there. 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just popping around to say I hope you’re coping okay, sending hugs🤗

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...I dont know how I posted and missed your posts that came after the one I wrote about.  

Im sorry you had such difficult days.  It is so hard to feel less than what want to be.  All I know is that you have done and keep doing so much for your family and your daughter in spite of all you are dealing with.  They cant possibly understand...especially your daughter...but I believe some day she will and she will be amazed, as I have been, at all you did do inspite of your struggling with the med WD.  

I sometimes think the younger ones adapt better....they know only what is.  She knows you love her and are there for you.  You will have the party i the park or wherever feels right for you and I believe it will be lovely.  

On 4/8/2019 at 9:04 PM, Rosetta said:

This up and down and its effect on my family really makes me angry.

I so understand this..and my heart hurts for you.  I truly feel it is the hardest part of it all.

Love and hugs to you Rosetta! 💜

[Rosetta]

@thecowisback Thank you.  We have her in gymnastics, and that helps.  It's hard to have too many commitments with this condition.  She needs unstructured play.  Yesterday we had two birthday parties.  Exhausting for me, but good for her.  

 

Thanks for for your well wishes @Rabe @Carmie @wantrelief

 

Journal:

This last week was hard.  My husband says I have been going in and out of waves every few hours for days.  My last post on April 7th was on a Sunday.  My period started yesterday.

 

This week I helped my husband put up solar panels on a frame he built earlier, ordered birthday gifts, went to my daughter's gymnastics, went to her open house and book fair, and arranged for the delivery of the couch.  I tore down parts of a rotting fence and tried to gather things to go to the dump with the old couch.  Activity-wise that is a lot for me.  I had at least one or two crying spells before Thursday.

 

Thursday was very hard.  We had to pack things in bins and move them out of the way so that the couch had room.  I cried and cried Thursday night.  I was so overwhelmed.  

 

Friday we finished the bin work, swept and mopped the floor, and went to the bank.  Then we had breakfast and went to pay for the couch.  The delivery went smoothly much to my surprise.  The junk hauler was a bit of a jerk, but he took the couch and most of the other stuff.  We think he was planning to recycle the couch which is wonderful even if we felt it was a goner.  He left the huge cardboard pieces that encased the solar panel rails, and it will be hard for us to get rid of them.  Disappointing.

 

Friday night we watched a movie in our new, clean, clutter free living room!!  It was amazing!  I felt better when I woke up in the morning on Saturday knowing that there was one room that was neat.  Today the same.  At least I have that one room.

 

Yesterday were the two birthday parties, and I was tired at bedtime, but it was good for my daughter to have activities.  I'm very achy, and I have had some dystonia-like symptoms off and on for the past week.  My hormones continue to affect that symptom.  The right side toes, leg, hip, arm, chest, back, neck, jaw and temple are tense.  I'm not having the intense pain in both shoulders and my neck like I had last month.  My joints ache -- knees, hips, elbows.  No headache except for the right temple is threatening to start hurting.  

 

My hair has stopped falling out.  I may have mentioned that before, but it really has finally stopped.  That symptom started in 2006 or 2007.  

 

It's hard to believe that I have been dealing with ill effects of SSRIs now for over a decade.  It was 2006 when I started skipping doses because I felt better for a few days if I did that.  I had no idea that I was risking destabilization by doing so, but my hair falling out was something that was noticed by other people as well as myself.  I suspect that it's been at least 12 years that I have been suffering some sort of dysautonomia.  I didn't notice how bad it was before my meds were switched from Celexa to Zoloft, but my husband did.  The switch was bad in 2011, but the CT in 2016 was 1000 times worse.

[wantrelief]

Wow, Rosetta....you have been accomplishing so much!!  You are truly healing, my friend.  I know it is slow going but it is happening!

[thecowisback]

well done!!!! you need a well earned rest now 💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, you two.  Lots of aches and pains today.  Had a mag bath.  Did very little else today.  Reading causes more dystonia -- again -- for the hundredth time.  Very tiresome.  But the emotional stuff is fine today.  So, I'm grateful.

[Rabe]

Oh Rosetta how excited you must be!  I am so happy to read all this.  Love and hugs to you dear friend.  💜

[Rabe]

SO happy to read all that Rosetta!!  How exciting!!!💜

[RusTW]

Hi Rosetta glad your getting small improvements. 

Russ

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Such a lot of activity - and you have cleared the lounge room and got a new couch. That's amazing - good going.

 

much love

 

Neroli 💜

[SkyBlue]

Hi Rosetta,

 

Thanks again for stopping by my thread and for your kind words. ❤️

Yes, mag baths are great, aren't they?

I also find that some magnesium "oil" (not really oil, just liquid) mixed with lotion helps my wd-induced restless legs at night. 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m so excited to hear about your clean, clutter free living room. What an amazing accomplishment for you. Yay!!!!

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

Hi everyone.  I've been posting less and doing less frequent updates because my daughter is home for Spring Break.  I've been having daily symptoms, but overall I'm ok.  

 

Having the new couch in a different room than the kitchen has been nice.  I feel less stressed when I'm sitting down, and it's comfortable for all of us.  So, we sit on it together and watch movies.  There's no clutter in the room, and although I know the room where the couch used to be is still needing work, I can sit here without looking at the clutter.

 

This is a point in my cycle when the anxiety is lower.  Getting up and getting out of the house has been so much easier this week.  On. Thursday, I took my daughter to a "museum" where kids play with a friend, and we left the house at 9:25.  Today, we went to an Easter egg hunt, and left at 10:00.  Both times, I was able to get going without much anxiety and no meltdown.  Also, I went to gymnastics on Tuesday afternoon and out to dinner.

 

My ability to think has been very good.  I gathered up some toys to give away, and I cleaned out the refrigerator which are both things I couldn't do because I couldn't think straight.  I'm concerned that I'm simply enjoying a good time in my cycle that is coinciding with Spring Break, and that it will alL disappear quickly when my hormones change, of course.  

--Making decisions and

--weighing pros and cons has been easier and

--letting go of things that might be useful has been easier.  I don't feel as overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

-- I havent gone into panic mode the way I did when I couldn't sort things out in my mind.

-- Also, I don't feel as grossed out by the dirt -- at least not to the point that I couldn't clean it.

 

These are OCD issues that began years ago when I was taking Celexa, intensified when I switched to Zoloft and then went through the roof upon CT.  I really wish doctors knew that increases in symptoms and new symptoms indicate that medication should not be increased!! Or changed!!  They think the opposite is true.  Although my medication was switched due to my baby being born, I see many people say their doctors switched their meds or increased the dose in response to an increase in symptoms.  The longer I experience this iatrogenic illness the more convinced I am that psych drugs cause harm and never actually help anyone.  Any placebo effect wears off and then negative consequences occur.  

 

Physically, I've been feeling better -- less tired, no exhaustion or lethargy, much less pain and stiffness. I still have dystonia off and on -- at least once every two days -- but it resolves within hours usually.  I'm still having my period.  I think the dystonia is connected to the hormones that fluctuate throughout the month.  Just writing this is causing tenseness and Parenthesia in my right side -- temple, eye, cheek, jaw, neck, chest, bicep, forearm, fingers, hip, thigh, calf, foot and toes.  There are time when I read and write that I don't feel this effect.

 

Nightly wake ups continue, sometimes with overheating, rarely with sweating, always with worries and insomnia, but the intensity of the worries and insomnia is somewhat less.  Sometimes there's a jolt of anxiety, but always I'm aware of being awakened suddenly and feeling the need to protect the myself.  I think this is a milder form of cortisol awakening.  I often start to feel very sad, or very angry, or both not long after I wake up.

 

I'm very worried right now that I have cancer, but odd changes in my skin have been happening throughout this experience.  Bumps grow and then disappear.  Most of my large freckles that were there for many years -- since teenage hood or young adulthood -- have peeled off -- literally peeled off -- and not reappeared.  It's as if the growth of my skin cells went into overdrive for a while.  I've had so many odd, recurring itches in the same spots over and over again.  I assume this is akin to Parenthesia.  I'm having a recurrent itch with a bump nearby, and the bump itches sometimes, too.  I don't want to go to the doctor.  I have no faith in them, but I suppose if it is cancer I should at least try in order to catch it early.  I'm just afraid of being put through a lot of stuff that's unnecessary and then being told it nothing when in fact it is.

 

Yesterday, I had a lot of energy.  I cleaned the refrigerator.  That took about 2 hours.  Then, I went through something I bought on eBay to be sure that all the parts were there.  Almost 600 pieces. That took 4 or 5 hours.  Crazy.   I had some brain fog from being tired, and kept having to count over abd over again.  I call that a manic day.  I was tired after cleaning the refrigerator, but I had to check this item in order to send it back if it wasn't complete.  Then I spent 4-5 hours completely immersed.

 

Overall, a very positive update, but I keep thinking how crushed I will be when my hormones shift and the next wave comes.  It's hard for me ignore the fact that this isn't over.  The last wave was pretty bad.  Every time I feel a surge in symptoms I get worried the next wave is here.  

[FarmGirlWorks]

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

My ability to think has been very good.  I gathered up some toys to give away, and I cleaned out the refrigerator which are both things I couldn't do because I couldn't think straight.  I'm concerned that I'm simply enjoying a good time in my cycle that is coinciding with Spring Break, and that it will alL disappear quickly when my hormones change, of course.  

--Making decisions and

--weighing pros and cons has been easier and

--letting go of things that might be useful has been easier.  I don't feel as overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

-- I havent gone into panic mode the way I did when I couldn't sort things out in my mind.

-- Also, I don't feel as grossed out by the dirt -- at least not to the point that I couldn't clean it.

This is awesome news, @Rosetta. I still struggle with the weighing pros/cons and feeling overwhelmed by possibilities.

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I'm very worried right now that I have cancer, but odd changes in my skin have been happening throughout this experience.  Bumps grow and then disappear.  

Interesting you have that too. I suddenly got a protruding mole and then it fell off in a few weeks (I did have a doctor check it out though as I was mildly concerned). Hadn't thought about the fluctuating skin but that is true too. WD is a stupid ride.

[Rosetta]

Thanks @FarmGirlWorks

 

I'm back to Akathisia.  Last night was awful after going to bed.  My daughter woke me up 4-5 times because she was so excited about Easter.  Eventually, I was so overstimulated that I felt SI.  I did fall sleep later.  Then I was awake in the night as usual, worrying.  My daughter woke up at 6:00.  I blame the cat.  I've been up ever since.  I'm feeling pretty bad both physically and mentally.  My face hurts as if all the muscles are tense along with my jaw and neck.  It' was more equally distributed but writing this has made it stronger on the right side.  

 

We are planning to go my MIL's and then tomorrow I have a play date scheduled.  I felt good when I planned it, and there is no school.  So, it's better to have a play date than not.  Tuesday the grind of school wake up, homework, and reading every day starts again.  I can't overstate how much I resent the fact that I am going through ADWD in an age when first and second graders have nightly math and reading homework.  I would think that was insane if I wasn't sick, but this is ridiculous.  

 

I dont know.  All I can do is hope that there will come a day when I am off of this roller coaster.