xXShatteredXx: I will owe you the world if you can help. I have no where left to turn.

[xXShatteredXx]

Hello, I am going to try and summarize as short as possible at first and add details in the later paragraphs. I am mentally blah so I will try to make as much sense as I possibly can. If you can help or know the exactly what will work, I will owe you the world.

I will start just from the past few years. I had withdrawn from Zoloft and months later everything came back with a vengeance so I decided on my own to restart the drug. Everything was fine until a week later when I had one of my LSD flashback/panic attacks. (More severe than a standard panic attack.) That was enough to regret my decision and to trash the drug.

A few weeks later I became unable to walk because I was so dizzy, body jerking, and hallucinating. I was scared out of my mind. I then make it back to the doctor who tells me to restart the zoloft and to take xanax until it works. It was tough, but a couple of months later I felt like the drug was normal and regulated.

In 2016 I was doing better so cut back from 25 mg to taking it every other day which always seemed to work best for me. The doctor however didn’t like that and told me to take 12.5 each day instead. I shouldn’t have listened because I know better, but I did. I started swelling in my hands and feet after that. The doctor just blamed other things and kept saying it wasn’t the drug.

I kept becoming worse and worse physically and mentally. I caught a bad cold on top of my chronic sinus infection and everything went downhill from there. I was given a steroid shot to reduce my facial swelling, but it didn’t work. I kept becoming more anxious so I then decided I would increase my zoloft back to 25 mg in March and started Allergra. Again for about 5 days I felt fine, but was noticing that my arms and chest would flush slightly about 1.5 hours after taking it. I felt ok so didn’t think much of it.

 

On day 5 I was also taking an antibiotic I haven’t taken before even though I’ve taken others in the same drug family. On day 6 I took Zoloft and had sex. 1.5 hours later after taking it, I suddenly started to feel very hot and incoherant. I started getting white mosquite bite looking bumps and turned scary purple red all over my body. My heart felt like it was struggling. My fiance grabbed my purse so I could get my theromometer and check my temp. It was now at 101 and kept increasing so I immediately take tylenol. Scared it was an an allergy I also take benedryl. (Another serious mistake because it doesn’t react well to me.)

I call my doctor and explain as best as I can what is happening, I was very incoherant could barely speak, and he tells me to go to the ER. By the time I get there the tylenol has worked and my temp has went down and the flushing has stopped. He then gives me another steroid shot. (The nail in the coffin.) Within minutes of leaving the hospital I have the worst seizure type panic attacks of my life with my legs myclonic jerking and all.

I go back to the doctor next day and my heart rate is just staying steady at 150 while I’m still flushed with a temp and high blood pressure. The doctor gave me a EKG and tells me it’s just sinus tachycardia even though there is an extra beat present. He just tells me to go home and take more xanax. It hits me that I had the flushing prior to the antibiotic and then I know it was serotonin syndrome not an allergy and stop my tiny dose of zoloft and the allegra. (The doctor was insistent it wasn’t the zoloft, but there is no doubt to me it was.) So while all this is going on I cold turkey the meds.

I only get worse from there. So basically I was probably already in withdrawal, decided to increase, only to cold turkey a week later. For months I only get worse. I keep flushing, although not as severe, and being out of my mind. Screaming, crying, panic attacks, unable to even shower alone.

Because the flushing and high heart rate didn’t stop I insist on testing my cortisol like in cushing’s disease and for carcinoid syndrome. My cortisol and DHEA adrenaline hormone was high and elevated, but I don’t have cushings and serotonin levels were normal so now carcinoid syndrome. But the endocronologist pointed out other strange things like my right eye was now weak, tremors, and I had skin blanching/mottling. She was very concerned about those things and found I suddenly had colitis. My allergies are still severe after the withdrawal and I tried to take claritin and wound up in the hospital because my heart rate was high and again blood pressure plummeted.

I then developed the worst PMDD ever. My hormones became awful. I have periods now with only clots when before on zoloft I barely had one. I also become severely depressed, clammy irrate, and cold. For the following year after zoloft my blood pressure is extremely low and my heart rate extremely high. I wake up everyday with a heart rate of 170+ with bad swelling in my eyes. Doctor just says take it more salt. I’m very scared and in pain, but because of all the added stress I can no longer leave my house or drive. I have been wasting away in hell not living.

Doctor made me go to a psych who wants me to start lexapro. Since lexapro commonly causes increased QT prolongation of the heart, I have zero desire to make my situation any worse. (Zoloft can also effect QT, but Lexapro is more commonly associated with it. )They forced me to try Ativan, Klonopin, and Valium which I didn’t feel comfortable with and they all made me worse. All three made my anxiety worse. I wanted the Xanax back, but when I took it I also reacted badly to it. My legs quivered violently for an hour followed by severe leg weakness/numbness/pain, dysphoria, tinnutis, weird clogged ears, extremely low heart rate, and blood pressure.

Every since I withdrew from the zoloft I have bad leg tremors and hand tremors. Very scary. I should also note I smoke so my blood pressure should never be low. I supposedly have asthma over night, but I keep asking them, “If my blood pressure is so low and I quit smoking, how low will my blood pressure get then??” No one will give me a straight and honest answer.

I am failing miserably and 100% dependent. I just don’t see a way out of this. I’ve thought about restarting the zoloft, but have extreme fear that I can become worse. At the same time I am not living. I stay home alone 24/7. How much should I restart? The very first time I withdrew 4 years ago wasn’t as bad because it was my first withdrawal and it was much slower. I just have to do something because I have colitis among other things and am so panicked that I have canceled all appointments. My anxiety is just to severe to go through a colonsocopy and to my other doctors right now.

I’ve given it 10 months and just have no more time left to lose.. The situation clearly isn’t going to get any better on its own. I should also say that I never had a good experience starting ssris. I am one who gets severe panic attacks before it kicks in worse. I have PTSD from where I was drugged with LSD so I have a huge med phobia. As of right now, I can’t even bring myself to take Tylenol for a headache. I have spent months trying to research a way to get better without ever putting the poison back in my body, but I see no other way at this point. 

I’m sure since SSRIs effect 5 ht receptors like LSD does that is the reason I have such bad reactions, but that is a different conversation all together.

Edited December 31, 2017 by Shep
added username to title

[xXShatteredXx]

* Sorry meant to say "no carcinoid sydrome" not now. And when I say restart I mean reinstate to stabilize and try to come off again in some months. I don't mean restart forever. 

[AliG]

Hi Shattered. I'm so glad that you found us and shared your story. It is intricate and complex : for now, I'm just going to ask you to fill in your full drug history and then we can slowly start to unravel some of this and come up with a management plan for you. 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

 

You will find a lot of information and support,here.

Welcome to S.A

Ali

[xXShatteredXx]

Hi thanks for responding! Not sure if you saw the signature that was already on there or not. I had it added already, but I updated it and made it bigger so it is easier to see and more detailed. Could I politely ask you to read my entire post before giving an answer (not just the signature)? One of my biggest concerns is how I was increasing my med dosage, had the reaction, and then suddenly stopped again. I think my biggest problem is having multiple exposure to withdrawal. I just don't know where to go from here.. I'm also 30 almost 31 y/o female if that makes any difference

[Kristine]

Hi Shattered, I just wanted to extend a warm welcome to SA.  I'm so sorry you are suffering so much...at least here you are among people who truly understand ☺️ Looking forward to getting to know you in this new year. K

[bhasski]

Hi xShattered,

What you said about heart rhythm and low blood pressure or asthma or being bed-bound, I and many others can relate.

On 12/31/2017 at 7:25 AM, xXShatteredXx said:

For the following year after zoloft my blood pressure is extremely low and my heart rate extremely high. I wake up everyday with a heart rate of 170+ with bad swelling in my eyes.

 

I struggled with extreme low BP and breathing issues and the allopathic doctors only keep saying my depression relapse or anxiety  .. Add beta blockers or another Antipsychotic or ssri ... For me, what helped slightly was Ayurveda.

 

I have more in my intro thread.

 

There are two approaches:  to get stable with some psychiatry med ..  here threads are like low dose lamotrigine.. 

And then taper slowly with alternative therapy.

 

 

Or keep trying with alternative medicine alone ( which I am doing).

 

Be assured, you will get better. Now your body and nervous system need time to heal. 

[xXShatteredXx]

15 hours ago, Kristine said:

Hi Shattered, I just wanted to extend a warm welcome to SA.  I'm so sorry you are suffering so much...at least here you are among people who truly understand ☺️ Looking forward to getting to know you in this new year. K

Thanks kristine! 

[xXShatteredXx]

14 hours ago, bhasski said:

Hi xShattered,

What you said about heart rhythm and low blood pressure or asthma or being bed-bound, I and many others can relate.

 

I struggled with extreme low BP and breathing issues and the allopathic doctors only keep saying my depression relapse or anxiety  .. Add beta blockers or another Antipsychotic or ssri ... For me, what helped slightly was Ayurveda.

 

I have more in my intro thread.

 

There are two approaches:  to get stable with some psychiatry med ..  here threads are like low dose lamotrigine.. 

And then taper slowly with alternative therapy.

 

 

Or keep trying with alternative medicine alone ( which I am doing).

 

Be assured, you will get better. Now your body and nervous system need time to heal. 

Hello. You've been off for a year right? Have you improved? I kind of know what Ayurveda is, but not the medicinal side. What supplements are used if any at all? If I take another drug I would probably just reinstate and taper zoloft again. I've never taken mood stabilizers like lamatical before. I'm not sure I want to add something new to the mix. I have a severe med/drug phobia so taking any new medicine is extremely difficult and usually impossible without sedation. I know that sounds crazy.. I can't do any antipsychotics because they are also antihistamines. Idk what it is about them that reacts badly with me, but it's severe like with steroids. Ironically I need antihistamines and steroids right now and can't do either one. I'm just backed into a corner is what it feels like. 

[Downbutnotout]

i Hope you can get some relief soon. 

[xXShatteredXx]

21 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

i Hope you can get some relief soon. 

Thank you!!

[manymoretodays]

19 hours ago, xXShatteredXx said:

Could I politely ask you to read my entire post before giving an answer (not just the signature)? One of my biggest concerns is how I was increasing my med dosage, had the reaction, and then suddenly stopped again. I think my biggest problem is having multiple exposure to withdrawal. I just don't know where to go from here.. I'm also 30 almost 31 y/o female if that makes any difference

 

17 hours ago, bhasski said:

There are two approaches:  to get stable with some psychiatry med ..  here threads are like low dose lamotrigine.. 

And then taper slowly with alternative therapy.

 

 

Or keep trying with alternative medicine alone ( which I am doing).

 

Hi xXShattered,

 

Welcome from me as well.  We are extremely busy here right now at survivingantidepressants.  And yes, I do see your signature now.  I strongly suggest that you use the kind of politeness that hopefully, you would use in the real world.  And show some patience with others, as well as with yourself right now, if that's possible.  I think that you may be able to find the kind of help you are looking for here.  A lot of new people wanting help and advice right now.......just like you.   We are staffed by volunteers only, and all of us have gone through some degree of what you describe,  and are all in some stage of withdrawal/healing.........and many of us are out there now working, and caring for others.

 

We do understand, to a point........your present state of mind.

 

We are not a site to discuss how to get stable with another psychiatric medication.  Some have benefited from judicious use of medications however for various conditions that resulted/or didn't result from medication use. 

 

All that being said.........I am still unclear on the timeline of all the awful consequences you have had from treatment, in your first post.  So you have been off Zoloft for one year now?   And are currently medication/drug free completely?   If so.......I'm not certain that any reinstatement is going to be helpful.   And please don't reinstate at all,  until we can point you towards some additional collected wisdom that you may want to consider going forward.  There are other sites for discussing the on and off nature/changing of medications/drugs........depressionforums.org or patientslikeme.com come to mind.

 

On the signature:  if you wouldn't mind going back and adding some months and days(if recalled) to your more recent medications, especially those in the last year or two.  Honest, that will help us to help you.  You might consider leaving out the LSD experience altogether as it's in your first paragraph.  Possibly you could expand your initial post.......just quote it or parts of it to elaborate.  This page is your journal/introduction where you can elaborate, ask questions, and record your progress for the long haul.

 

Meantime, you can always use your search engine to find discussions here on many different topics.......just put in the topic followed by survivingantidepressants.com.

 

And don't hesitate to go to our Read this First, Tapering section, as well as Symptoms and Self Care.......in the Forum list, on the Home page, especially reading some of the top pinned topics.

 

It does indeed sound like you have experienced withdrawal........before you knew what that was.  And possibly some kindling as well.  And haven't been the kindest to yourself, your body, your mind, and spirit.  You ARE off to a good start in your understanding.  Patience.  And you are wondering where to go from here?  Correct?

 

Truly.......Best,  Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

 

manymoretodays

Edited January 2, 2018 by manymoretodays
elaboration!

[xXShatteredXx]

12 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

 

 

Hi xXShattered,

 

Welcome from me as well.  We are extremely busy here right now at survivingantidepressants.  And yes, I do see your signature now.  I strongly suggest that you use the kind of politeness that hopefully, you would use in the real world.  And show some patience with others, as well as with yourself right now, if that's possible. 

Hello and thank you for responding! I truly apologize if you felt I was being rude or impatient because I'm really not. I mentioned about the signature because I know the font is super small and I have seen on other threads people talking about the pages not displaying properly on a mobile device and some tablets so I wasn't sure if it could actually be seen or not because I was told to add it when it was already there.

I mentioned about reading the entire thing also because I saw on some other threads that said some people sometimes like to just read signatures and not paragraphs in a post. Which is perfectly ok, but there were some differences here that were a bit different from the standard posts and I just wanted it to be thorough. I am thankful for any answer at all so I certainly would not treat someone rudely intentionally so I am truly sorry if it seemed that way.
I tried to update the signature with some months, but it is a bit blurry. I think in October 2016 I went from 25 mg of Zoloft to 12.5 mg. I began having problems that I didn't attribute to the withdrawal then my anxiety and my physical being became worse so in March I tried to increase back up. That's when I got the serotonin type reaction and immediately quite the drug that day forward. After about 5 days, I did try and take another 12.5 mg because I was a wreck, but started having stranger things so then I quit completely again few days later. That was in March so it's been around 9 months or so I have been completely off. 

In the past, if I had a reaction I would stop, be in withdrawal, and restart. I've went through this already a few times and I think that's what has made this time worse. Worried I might have even fried my brain. So I'm kind of backed into a corner not knowing which route to take. I currently have other health issues going on that I'm unable to treat because I can't function well enough to go to the doctor and go through with procedures. I was trying to just wait things out, but I have ran out of time. At the same time I obviously don't want to risk making my condition any worse than it already is so that's what led me to finally post on here. 

Hopefully, that makes sense. I have to keep correcting, but I sometimes am not focusing well enough to type correctly what it is I actually mean

 

[manymoretodays]

Okay xS.  Do try and stay away the best you can from catastrophic thinking and topics.  Now I am on my droid and unable to do much with puncuation or rechecking of your sig.  It does sound like you experienced serotonin syndrome.  Did your prescriber or the ER confirm this with/for you?  That would be a great start......if you could gather records.  Are you in some kind of therapy at this point....CBT or other?  Just for safety purposes.....do you have other healthy, responsible people that you live with or can call on?  That could help get you to appointments for some of your immediate physical concerns?    Perhaps if you also get some of this on paper it will help you when you go to an appointment.....to be clear and listened to.  And yes....most often you can expect a full or near full recovery.  Given time, patience, kind comfort and support.......as well as furthering your knowledge and coping strategies.  Hang in there as we sometimes say.  It gets better.  Best.  mmt

Edited January 2, 2018 by manymoretodays

[bhasski]

5 hours ago, xXShatteredXx said:

Hello. You've been off for a year right? Have you improved? I kind of know what Ayurveda is, but not the medicinal side. What supplements are used if any at all?

 

Its 2 years almost. 

I got little better but still don't enjoy, else I am usually ill-tempered now. 

Lost my sense of politeness.. I do feel, but accepted the things to some extent.

 

In ayurveda,  I used  ashwangandha. Preparations - saraswitarishta , arjunarishta for months. That gave some benefit.

 

Things that made things worse:

sarpagandha (its for sleep, but it also lowers down BP.. which was a problem)

 

Also bacopa monnieri and curcumin (haldi).

 

I also took tablets preparations Manasmitravatakam by kotakkal for 3 months alone later. 

 

All the things help slowly.

 

SA here recomends omega3 and magnesium. 

I stopped taking them directly but take walnuts and dry fruits for the supply.

 

And yes its better than what was thrown at.

[xXShatteredXx]

On 1/1/2018 at 11:35 PM, manymoretodays said:

Okay xS.  Do try and stay away the best you can from catastrophic thinking and topics.  Now I am on my droid and unable to do much with puncuation or rechecking of your sig.  It does sound like you experienced serotonin syndrome.  Did your prescriber or the ER confirm this with/for you?  That would be a great start......if you could gather records.  Are you in some kind of therapy at this point....CBT or other?  Just for safety purposes.....do you have other healthy, responsible people that you live with or can call on?  


No, he didn't and that's my fault because when it happened I assumed it was an allergy and called my dr and told him that. When I got to the er the I told the dr there that my dr sent me there because of an allergy so he didn't actually check me out. There was an hour to two hour gap before seeing the Er dr so by the time he saw me the tylenol and stuff worked so I was no longer red just a bit disoriented and gave me predisone. The er dr put hidden in my file that my reaction was just "anxiety." Very insulting, but I've seen that dr before and he isn't very good. He's actually laughed in my face before.. 

When I thought about how it happened after with the minor flushing days before and the increase in body temp I put two and two together, but my dr won't listen or have it. He keeps saying it was just the antibiotic and won't listen when I tell him I had the flushing days leading up to it prior to the antibiotic. He actually wrote me zoloft again last week hassling me to take it so I stop "worrying" about whatever the hell is going on with me physically. It's kind of like he refuses to help me at all until I agree to take that stuff again which I haven't. I'm up in limbo on how to proceed. 

If reinstating would help at all to taper again I would certainly try. I don't see it now, but I thought you mentioned kindling somewhere? That's one thing I did consider also because everytime I restart I have weird sensations like skin burning, severe anxiety, ect. I am alone probably 80% of the time and sent my son to live with his grandparents temporarily because I am incapable at the moment. I could taxi to the doctor, but there is no way I can do things like coloscopy prep, dental work, or sinus surgery in this state. All I can do is stay on lockdown at home.. I've just got to do something to be able to climb out of the dark abyss. 

My primary sent me to the community help center for therapy and a psych, but it hasn't done much good. The psychiatrist also won't acknowledge my previous Zoloft reaction and one of the diagnoses was "hypochondria" because of that. He won't listen to a single word a say, just keeps saying I am very "sick" with anxiety and need to be on max doses of meds. I tried to take the xanax again and it affected me in a completely different way in the past and he wouldn't listen at all. Said it was just "my anxiety" that burnt me out that day. They've all just turned their backs until I agree to "try" more meds. The therapist even said himself that he's never seen a case of anxiety so severe before except when the lady had another health problem and thinks that there is something up that goes beyond anxiety. Which I think is due to the damage and withdrawal zoloft has done to me. 

I'm to the point I may have serious issues if I can't get out and get these other issues taken care of because I am completely debilitated. 

I don't understand what you mean here. Do you mean edit the initial post?  "You might consider leaving out the LSD experience altogether as it's in your first paragraph.  Possibly you could expand your initial post.......just quote it or parts of it to elaborate.  This page is your journal/introduction where you can elaborate, ask questions, and record your progress for the long haul."

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Hi xXShattered,

 

So you were 14 or 15 when you were given LSD, and had no panic or anxiety prior to that?  And then a long lasting case of it(panic/fear/anxiety) from I guess what I can only term a "very bad trip"?  And then off and on mostly SSRI's since then.......as well as buspar and Xanax.  Most recently(in the past year) was Zoloft, Allegra, steroids, antibiotics, Ativan, Valium, and Klonopin.

 

As far as leaving the LSD off your signature........perhaps just replace it with "traumatic experience".  Here are the usual instructions for creating a signature:

 

 •    Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
 •    A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
 •    Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
 •    Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
 •    Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.

 

 

What were the bad reactions to the Benzo's(Ativan, Valium, Klonopin)?  Were the reactions worse while taking the medications or after stopping them?

 

Here is our general topic on withdrawal syndrome and what it is. 

 

 

Try and read the top couple of topics there when you are at your best as well as the topic below.  Again, please do not get dismayed or think the worst case will be you.   Sorry, I didn't link that one better above.

 

This is at the end of the list in the link above, and is also an important one to look at and understand.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1160-how-psychiatric-drugs-remodel-your-brain/

 

I'll get you some more links, as I can find them on kindling, hypersensitivities post psych. medications, as well as some of our stuff on how to talk to your Dr. and will respond further to last post ASAP.

 

Best,

mmt

 

 

[manymoretodays]

Hi Shattered,

 

Sorry for such a delay in getting back to you.  I'm a turtle sometimes, I'll admit it.  And so hope you are seeing a glimmer of that one.......hope.

 

This is a good explanation of ideas around kindling and hypersensitivities:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/6175-limbic-kindling-hardwiring-the-brain-for-hypersensitivit

 

As far as talking with your doctor.........it does indeed sound like you are in a very tough spot right now. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/2746-what-should-i-expect-from-my-doctor-about-withdrawal-

 

Any hope of finding your own practitioner to help with both the physical and anxiety issues?  Some one in the alternative/complementary world?

 

I am also wondering how you are doing the last couple of days.  Has there been any abatement in the extreme anxiety so that you can get out?  Are you able to take care of getting some supplies once in awhile, eating, getting some rest,  at least occasional hygiene?  I'm not looking for perfection just good enough.  What does your 20% consist of as far as not being alone?  I am hoping some kind comfort and possibly help with some of the more basic needs right now. 

 

As far as waiting a bit longer to do a colonoscopy or have sinus surgery..........it's possible that may turn out to be in your favor.   I know that the attitude shift can be tough to do, when feeling basically shattered, but you have really got to give it your all now and not give in to the ideas of "fried brain", etc.  I've personally seen so many come back and have a really good recovery from non prescription drugs and alcohol usages.   As well as from the psychiatric medications/drugs.

 

On 1/3/2018 at 6:27 PM, xXShatteredXx said:

My primary sent me to the community help center for therapy and a psych, but it hasn't done much good. The psychiatrist also won't acknowledge my previous Zoloft reaction and one of the diagnoses was "hypochondria" because of that. He won't listen to a single word a say, just keeps saying I am very "sick" with anxiety and need to be on max doses of meds. I tried to take the xanax again and it affected me in a completely different way in the past and he wouldn't listen at all. Said it was just "my anxiety" that burnt me out that day. They've all just turned their backs until I agree to "try" more meds. The therapist even said himself that he's never seen a case of anxiety so severe before except when the lady had another health problem and thinks that there is something up that goes beyond anxiety. Which I think is due to the damage and withdrawal zoloft has done to me. 

I'm to the point I may have serious issues if I can't get out and get these other issues taken care of because I am completely debilitated. 

 

The therapist may have never seen any of us in W/D.  I wouldn't let the therapist define your course of healing.  Think "temporary damage" and progress not perfection.

 

Do try and check on in again soon.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

 

manymoretodays

 

Edited January 7, 2018 by manymoretodays