☼ Pluto: 1 year off Lexapro, 3 years off Xanax

[Pluto]

Good Day,

 

I wish I could say that my withdrawal symptoms from quitting Lexapro are the worst, but quitting Xanax takes that title. I have been off Xanax for two years and six months. The first day was the worst, the first year was the worst, and I am not feeling any Xanax issues now except waking up in a cold sweat every night since 2014. Anyway, I have not looked back or taken Xanax ever again. During that entire ordeal, I was still on Lexapro. I didn't quit it also because I didn't want to do too much at once. I finally quit Lexapro on the 25th of Dec 2016. 

 

Side note: To help me quit Xanax, I was put on Seroquel and Neurontin at rehab, and I gained 20kgs in 6 months which I am still trying to lose. I have lost half of it, but for some reason, my metabolism is no longer the same. I can't lose weight after rehab. I quit Seroquel cold turkey and tapered off Nuerontin. I took it for about six months and stopped when the weight piled on.

 

Back to why I am here: The first month after quitting Lexapro was alright. Just brain zaps and nothing else really. I thought, "Wow! Quitting these antidepressants is very easy! I should have done it earlier." I was basing my experience on Xanax, which is harder at the beginning and easier with time. I didn't expect things to begin falling apart later, and boy are they falling apart. Month two drug free was also not too bad, but it was filled with episodes of sadness. Month three became worse than month two, and I felt withdrawn and my lust for life started disappearing again. Month four was worse than month three and I felt myself losing more joy, being darker than I have ever been. Month five, my current situation, is a hot mess! My anxiety is back, my depression is back, and actually they are back and worse than ever. My obsessive thoughts are back. Oh, and my sexual urges are back, after years of thinking that I might be asexual. The problem is, my sexual urges are disconnected from my emotions, so as horny as I am, I still don't feel like having sex with my husband, and the whole thing is making me panic for several reasons. My insomnia is back. I am weepy and frustrated. My pessimism is back. I hate life right now. My face is braking out and for this last week, I have been unable to eat so I also feel awful due to that, I am sure. I could go on for days about how awful I feel right now. I have not left bed for a week!

 

I have made music though. Actually, I started having the urge and will to create music around month 3 of quitting. Before that, I though I would never make music again. So, there are pros and cons to this quitting, more cons than pros though, currently. 

 

I was thinking of going back on Lexapro when I happened on this website. I have now changed my mind. I thought I was just getting worse and worse until I end up committing suicide, however from the posts I have read, it gets better apparently, and none of my torture is unusual. I was suppose to start a family this year but now I have doubts. I would wait a year but I am 35 in three months so... 

 

I am taking, and have been for over a year, Magnesium (a high dose), Iron Fumarate (I have severe anemia), Vitamin C (a very high dose), Probiotics, L-Theanine, Vitamin B Complex and Vitamin B12 on top, 5HTP and Valerian, camomile tea when I have the strength to make it. 

 

Mood:  Very Blue. Like in the pic.

[Madeleine]

Welcome to the forum.   One of the moderators will hopefully be here to welcome you too.  Sorry to hear you are feeling so unwell now.  How long was your taper off Lexapro? 

[Pluto]

Welcome to the forum.   One of the moderators will hopefully be here to welcome you too.  Sorry to hear you are feeling so unwell now.  How long was your taper off Lexapro? 

Thank you for the warm welcome. 

 

I tapered off for about 8 months. A long time I think. I went from 40mg to 20mg for 2 months. Then I went to 10mg for 2 months. Then 5mg for another a month. Then lastly I did the escitalopram droplets and I took 8, 6, 4 drops on the remaining 3 months respectively. 

 

Maybe I should have stayed longer on it, but the brain zaps begun immediately and I was tired of having them. I thought quitting finally would relieve me. 

[mammaP]

Hi Pluto, welcome to SA.  Sadly it is quite common for withdrawal to rear it's ugly head some months after quitting. Even a year or more for a few people! 

 

You will find lots of encouragement here and many, many interesting topics that will help you through. 

After 5 months off there are no guarantees that reinstatement would help and could even make things worse because we often become very sensitive to drugs in withdrawal and react to them when we had been ok previously.  You will get through this and come out of it stronger than you ever thought possible!

 

Take a good look around, it's good to have you here 

[Pluto]

Hi Pluto, welcome to SA.  Sadly it is quite common for withdrawal to rear it's ugly head some months after quitting. Even a year or more for a few people! 

 

You will find lots of encouragement here and many, many interesting topics that will help you through. 

After 5 months off there are no guarantees that reinstatement would help and could even make things worse because we often become very sensitive to drugs in withdrawal and react to them when we had been ok previously.  You will get through this and come out of it stronger than you ever thought possible!

 

Take a good look around, it's good to have you here 

Thank you. <3 

[Pluto]

Dear Soldiers in the Fight Against Antidepressants and Benzos,

 

December 25th 2017 marked a year without any AD and just over 3 years without Xanax, and it seems to me that quitting Lexapro was tougher than quitting Xanax, probably because I was still on other medication when I quit Xanax. I can't say that 2017 was fun. In fact, it was one of the toughest years I have ever experienced, second only to the years following my sexual assault by 5 men when I was sixteen (I'm 35 now). 

 

I was so tempted to go back and just take the meds again. The temptation was made even harder by the fact that doctors were throwing these drugs at me all year, and each and every time I had to refuse profusely and tell them that I am not taking ADs anymore. *sigh* Doctors are very disappointing. We fear illicit drug dealers but we should fear the legal drug dealers more because we have been conditioned to accept their advice as infallible due to their qualifications, not considering the fact that they are either corrupt or ignorant of the drugs they dispense to us. Anyway... I digress.

 

I went through it all in 2017. I travelled all over the world, seeing beautiful islands, going to beautiful places, being with the most wonderful man in the world, but derived no pleasure from anything. It was an apathetic year, and apathy is worse than pain sometimes, although logically you would think otherwise. Then, 8 months after all this emptiness, I fell pregnant, and only now, in January 2018, I am starting to feel a bit more joy peering through the cracks of my grey, dreary and lifeless soul. 

 

I can't say that quitting is beneficial right now, but I can say that I have seen an improvement a little. For example, 5 months after quitting, everything came back, anxiety, insomnia, depression, and disatisfaction, all expressing itself though apathy. Then the slump lasted for another few months until I got pregnant, and then I became slightly more upbeat, less fatigued and more present. Then in November I started to feel again, crying for the first time, laughing for the first time, libido up for the first time (only a little), and basically being bombarded by being human. 

 

Now, it is more of experiencing ups and downs than total darkness. So, it is improving. 

 

I had to stop taking supplements since I became pregnant, and I struggled with sleep a lot at first, then it got better,  and now it is back to weird sleeping patterns but I sleep enough at least. Maybe the hormone surge of pregnancy is helping, but I definitely am better off than before. 

 

I just wanted to share this with the forum because I wouldn't have even dared to venture into quitting and sticking to it without this community. Also, I want to convey the fact that it gets easier but it is not an easy, quick path. I have come to terms that this journey is probably going to take me 10 years to see the true light of day judging by my progress, but as long as it improves, I am willing to slug though it.

 

Thank you, and Happy New Year to Everyone. 

Edited January 5, 2018 by scallywag
update title with member's username

[RealMe]

2 hours ago, Pluto said:

 

December 25th 2017 marked a year without any AD and just over 3 years without Xanax, and it seems to me that quitting Lexapro was tougher than quitting Xanax, probably because I was still on other medication when I quit Xanax. I can't say that 2017 was fun. In fact, it was one of the toughest years I have ever experienced, second only to the years following my sexual assault by 5 men when I was sixteen (I'm 35 now). 

 

Dear Pluto,

Congratulations on your expected bundle of joy!  I remember feeling a lot better when I was pregnant.  That was a time when I wasn't on meds--a very, very long time ago.  I guess there were some good hormones and attitudes then.  And I applaud you for breaking free of Xanax and Lexapro for a whole year.  Amazing and excellent.  It gives me hope that maybe I can do it with fluoxetine.  Now that you are back in touch with this SA community, you will be reminded of how truly awful it is to be hooked on so-called AD's that don't help and take away your humanity.   I hope you continue to improve and "slug through" the journey.   Keep us posted.

Very best wishes,

RealMe

[LexAnger]

grow, beautiful update with great insight! 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience ! I'm so glad you are seeing some light in this darkest tunnel. You are very strong knowing how tough it is as a co- lex victim being off for 3 months now. Your streghth and determination will carry you all the way out of the tunnel!

 

sending speedy healing vibes to you way out to full recovery!

 

lex

[nz11]

Pluto a gentle reminder its only one intro thread per person.

That is the rule of the site.

Its a good one as it means everyones story is contained in their very own thread and not scattered all over the place in pieces.

 

Keep those updates coming.

thanks

nz11

[Pluto]

4 hours ago, RealMe said:

Dear Pluto,

Congratulations on your expected bundle of joy!  I remember feeling a lot better when I was pregnant.  That was a time when I wasn't on meds--a very, very long time ago.  I guess there were some good hormones and attitudes then.  And I applaud you for breaking free of Xanax and Lexapro for a whole year.  Amazing and excellent.  It gives me hope that maybe I can do it with fluoxetine.  Now that you are back in touch with this SA community, you will be reminded of how truly awful it is to be hooked on so-called AD's that don't help and take away your humanity.   I hope you continue to improve and "slug through" the journey.   Keep us posted.

Very best wishes,

RealMe

Thank you so much! After reading your post, I see that you are weaning off ever so nicely off Fluoxetine. Soon it will be behind you. Good luck with that, and I also see you're taking Magnesium, Fish Oil and Vitamin D. Magnesium saved my life. It is a miracle element that we take for granted. 

[Pluto]

17 hours ago, LexAnger said:

grow, beautiful update with great insight! 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience ! I'm so glad you are seeing some light in this darkest tunnel. You are very strong knowing how tough it is as a co- lex victim being off for 3 months now. Your streghth and determination will carry you all the way out of the tunnel!

 

sending speedy healing vibes to you way out to full recovery!

 

lex

Thank you Lex, and I wish you all the strength in the world for your journey also. It might not be as tough as mine, or it might be tougher, but one thing remains, the burden does get lighter with time. 

[Payola]

On 1/3/2018 at 7:22 AM, Pluto said:

I was so tempted to go back and just take the meds again. The temptation was made even harder by the fact that doctors were throwing these drugs at me all year, and each and every time I had to refuse profusely and tell them that I am not taking ADs anymore. *sigh* Doctors are very disappointing. We fear illicit drug dealers but we should fear the legal drug dealers more because we have been conditioned to accept their advice as infallible due to their qualifications, not considering the fact that they are either corrupt or ignorant of the drugs they dispense to us.

All of my childhood and high school life i read about how these drugs effect you and how the majority of people are not helped, but just given a crutch that slowly consumes you. General doctors are not only extremely ignorant but i dont believe most know or care what they are really doing. pushing drugs on assumptions are not only what they are trained to do but what they believe is the right thing.

 

I hope to be as strong as you and quit lexapro, but i feel like i cant help but replace one thing for another. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and i dont feel like its real, or that my body and thoughts truly are either. At this time in my life i feel so lost, and its not that i want to be told what to do or set on the paths put in front of us but at the moment i dont see the point. If i had a choice i would have chosen not to be brought into this world, but everyday like you i hope for things to be better in some way.

 

Thank you for sharing, made me feel not so alone.

 

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Payola. Please start an Introductions topic for yourself so we can get to know you.

[Pluto]

On 05/01/2018 at 5:14 AM, Payola said:

All of my childhood and high school life i read about how these drugs effect you and how the majority of people are not helped, but just given a crutch that slowly consumes you. General doctors are not only extremely ignorant but i dont believe most know or care what they are really doing. pushing drugs on assumptions are not only what they are trained to do but what they believe is the right thing.

 

I hope to be as strong as you and quit lexapro, but i feel like i cant help but replace one thing for another. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and i dont feel like its real, or that my body and thoughts truly are either. At this time in my life i feel so lost, and its not that i want to be told what to do or set on the paths put in front of us but at the moment i dont see the point. If i had a choice i would have chosen not to be brought into this world, but everyday like you i hope for things to be better in some way.

 

Thank you for sharing, made me feel not so alone.

 

 

Hello Payola,

 

I can not pretend to not know that feeling of hopelessness that you feel right now. I have been through it so many times, and at times, I was even consumed by it, being unable to see a way out. It is a lonely, frightening and dark mind space to be, and quitting the drugs exacerbates it, making it much worse before it gets better. You can quit too, however, you need so much support, so plan it carefully, and wean off it over a long time. I weaned off it over an entire year and I did it in very small increments. It won't be easy to work, and to function at first, and that light at the end of the tunnel will be nowhere to be found until much later. 

 

I am not trying to discourage you to quit. I am merely showing you that you are not being weak, or that you are not defeated. You are a normal victim of these drugs, and it is chemistry, not will or strength of mind. 

 

So, stick around here, read testimonials, and take advice from those who are doing it, and you will find a solution to quit when you are ready mentally to do so. I wish you luck. I wish you hope. I wish you comfort. 

 

Pluto

[Pluto]

Hi nz11

 

Oh, I was supposed to post my update on my original into thread? 

 

I didn't know. My apologies. I didn't know so thank you for letting me know. 

Edited January 10, 2018 by scallywag
deleted quote of immediately previous post for readability

[scallywag]

Pluto, I've moved your post/question to your original introduction topic. SA "rules" are different from other sites. We request that people post questions and updates in ONE introduction topic so that all your information, questions and answers are in one place.

 

To find your way back to this topic:

1. You may way want to follow this topic so that you get notifications when someone posts in your thread.  Click the gray "Follow this topic" button. A dialog box appears:  select one of the notify options, then click follow this topic in the dialog box. You can then get back to it by clicking on the Activity tab (just below the site logo at the top), then on "My Activity Streams", then "Content I follow".
2. Setting this web page as a bookmark or favorite in your browser will help you navigate back to it.

[rapunzel2]

Hello, Pluto! Nice to hear from somebody who got pregnant while in withdrawal and seems actually a little better! I want to become pregnant, too. Is this your first child? Congratulations!

[Pluto]

On 10/01/2018 at 4:47 PM, scallywag said:

Pluto, I've moved your post/question to your original introduction topic. SA "rules" are different from other sites. We request that people post questions and updates in ONE introduction topic so that all your information, questions and answers are in one place.

 

To find your way back to this topic:

1. You may way want to follow this topic so that you get notifications when someone posts in your thread.  Click the gray "Follow this topic" button. A dialog box appears:  select one of the notify options, then click follow this topic in the dialog box. You can then get back to it by clicking on the Activity tab (just below the site logo at the top), then on "My Activity Streams", then "Content I follow".
2. Setting this web page as a bookmark or favorite in your browser will help you navigate back to it.

Thank you.

 

I will follow this post for sure. I was confused there for a sec. 

[Pluto]

On 11/01/2018 at 5:58 PM, rapunzel2 said:

Hello, Pluto! Nice to hear from somebody who got pregnant while in withdrawal and seems actually a little better! I want to become pregnant, too. Is this your first child? Congratulations!

Hi rapunzel2

 

Thank you :).

 

As much as I feel better generally, I still have really bad days, or bad weeks. This is my first pregnancy. I am currently so stressed due to family issues (I don't get along with my sister) and my mom going to an old age home, that I am triggered, so I am experiencing anxiety and I am very weepy for the last month, but I am trying to find ways to cope. They say there is a rise and fall, ups and downs, as you improve and currently I am down in the dumps, however, I do experience more ups than before. 

[Pluto]

Bad news everyone. Oh, and hello...

 

I’m so unhappy with the fact that I might have to go back onto antidepressants. My baby is born. She is healthy and beautiful. I love her and I was so happy with my new life as a mom. Yes, “was”... 

 

Today I have been crying all day due to suicidal ideation. I cry because I like the thought of killing myself but I hate what it would mean for the baby. I was triggered by a fight I had with her dad last night and it has been downhill ever since. It’s 5 weeks after the baby is born, which is when postpartum depression usually kicks in apparently. I’m also breastfeeding and I don’t know how meds will affect the baby. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this except my husband who responded by telling me about how bad his day was. I guess he doesn’t care that I’m fantasizing about slitting my wrists. 

 

This depression came out out of nowhere. I was on cloud 9 then BOOM, here I am, sobbing all day trying to reason with myself about staying alive for the baby. I’m crying as I type this. Maybe I’m exaggerating and this is a result of sleep deprivation? I haven’t slept well in 5 weeks and last night I was more up then usual due to rage (yes, rage) from the fight with my husband. 

 

Anyway, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should tell my doctor immediately or just give it a couple of days. I just don’t know. The last time I felt like this was after I got raped 20 years ago. I have not felt the desire to end my life ever since until now. I guess my hormones are wonky from giving birth. 

 

This is just an update. I hope to have a happier one soon. I really don’t want to go back to antidepressants. It’s been 1 year and 6 months. How do I go back after so much work has been done? It was not easy. To go back would make me feel awful because it just throws all the work I’ve done down the drain. 

 

Anyway... 

 

Later. 

[ChessieCat]

3 hours ago, Pluto said:

I guess my hormones are wonky from giving birth. 

 

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

 

I think this is precisely what is going on.  You've also listed in your post other issues that are going on.  These all contribute to how you feel.  I got something worthwhile from a book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner.

 

It's just a feeling and feelings change.  I've found that trying to see what might be contributing is helpful because then you realise that it is temporary.  For example, am I sick, tired, hungry, etc?  I think it's also helpful to admit to yourself that yes, I am feeling this way at this time.  It is a fact, and it is understandable that you can feel this way.  You then need to remind yourself that it will pass.

 

My suggestion would be to phone a help line if you are feeling desperate.  They will not prescribe pills!  They will provide support and allow you to get your thoughts out of your head which can end up festering if not given an outlet.  Men want to fix things, and when they can't they feel helpless and they respond in ways which seem heartless to us, but it's because they don't know what to do.

[Pluto]

12 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

 

I think this is precisely what is going on.  You've also listed in your post other issues that are going on.  These all contribute to how you feel.  I got something worthwhile from a book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner.

 

It's just a feeling and feelings change.  I've found that trying to see what might be contributing is helpful because then you realise that it is temporary.  For example, am I sick, tired, hungry, etc?  I think it's also helpful to admit to yourself that yes, I am feeling this way at this time.  It is a fact, and it is understandable that you can feel this way.  You then need to remind yourself that it will pass.

 

My suggestion would be to phone a help line if you are feeling desperate.  They will not prescribe pills!  They will provide support and allow you to get your thoughts out of your head which can end up festering if not given an outlet.  Men want to fix things, and when they can't they feel helpless and they respond in ways which seem heartless to us, but it's because they don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for replying. Thank you also for affirming that this shall pass because I’m really hoping it does. I managed to get 4 hrs uninterrupted sleep yesterday by mistake (husband passed out so didn’t give me baby for the night shift) and due to that, I feel much better. I was so afraid and feeling a bit better is giving me so much hope. 

 

I will I’ll call the suicide helpline. Just to talk and hopefully to get tips on how to manage this issue when I get hit by it again. 

 

Thank you again. I really appreciate your response. 💖

[MamaCat]

Congratulations on your baby girl!!! ❤️ 

 

Your post really resonates with me, as someone who has gone through ppd 2x. I experienced emotions ranging the whole gamut during both those times and they all did improve. I had dark feelings I'd never felt before and it was scary. Newborns are delicious and precious and wonderful but they are HARD! Breastfeeding is HARD! Kudos to you for keeping it up, I regretfully stopped both times in less than a week because I was an absolute disaster who probably would've benefited from inpatient care. The sleep deprivation and interruption are brutal and as your babies sleep improves over time, it will help you as well. I want you to know that I don't have those scary feelings anymore, my biggest struggle is trying to get off the ad's because life is *good*. 

 

Things that were helpful to me during that time were finding ways to get uninterrupted windows of sleep, reaching out and getting support from family, and talking to a therapist. I was blessed to have my father and mother in law able to help so much during those times and they continue to help me today when I'm having a tough day. I felt incredible isolation and even something as simple as having someone with you during the day (other than the baby) can be helpful.  Don't be afraid to recruit support and ask for help. If you have trouble with that (as I did), tell your husband you need help and work on a plan together. If all else fails, turn on the TV, the radio, anything just so you know you are not alone.

 

Please reach out and call someone if you find yourself having overwhelming, scary, or suicidal thoughts. Whether a hotline or a friend or family member. My best friend also went through this and as painful as it was it revisit those places, I was so happy to sit and talk to her when she was having her worst times. You are not alone and this is not forever. ❤️ 

 

 

 

 

[Poulesportive]

Pluto I can relate to so much of what your wrote. My pregnancy and the 8 months I spent breastfeeding were the only times in my adult life that I was not on an AD, and I white knuckled it through the whole way, was a hot mess while pregnant (emotionally speaking - I took care of myself physically), my family was even more of a hot mess (oldest stepdaughter furious that I was pregnant and resenting the idea of a new baby in the family), and I had to stop breastfeeding in order to go back on ADs, since everyone said that's what was best for my out of control depression.

 

If only I had had this site. I might have had to back on an AD anyway, simply because the CT then pregnancy hormones....then pregnancy hormones going away....was too much transition for my brain. But I would have gone back at a much lower dose. And would have tapered (if only I had known what that was), and dealt with diet/supplements. Anyway - my daughter switched effortlessly from breastmilk to formula and never fussed or even seemed to notice. And she's a very healthy, happy eight year old now.

 

As they say, "happy mom, happy baby." You absolutely must take the very best care of yourself. With this website and the collective wisdom of everyone on here - you've got this. Do what you need to do to get well! 

[Pluto]

15 hours ago, MamaCat said:

Congratulations on your baby girl!!! ❤️ 

 

Your post really resonates with me, as someone who has gone through ppd 2x. I experienced emotions ranging the whole gamut during both those times and they all did improve. I had dark feelings I'd never felt before and it was scary. Newborns are delicious and precious and wonderful but they are HARD! Breastfeeding is HARD! Kudos to you for keeping it up, I regretfully stopped both times in less than a week because I was an absolute disaster who probably would've benefited from inpatient care. The sleep deprivation and interruption are brutal and as your babies sleep improves over time, it will help you as well. I want you to know that I don't have those scary feelings anymore, my biggest struggle is trying to get off the ad's because life is *good*. 

 

Things that were helpful to me during that time were finding ways to get uninterrupted windows of sleep, reaching out and getting support from family, and talking to a therapist. I was blessed to have my father and mother in law able to help so much during those times and they continue to help me today when I'm having a tough day. I felt incredible isolation and even something as simple as having someone with you during the day (other than the baby) can be helpful.  Don't be afraid to recruit support and ask for help. If you have trouble with that (as I did), tell your husband you need help and work on a plan together. If all else fails, turn on the TV, the radio, anything just so you know you are not alone.

 

Please reach out and call someone if you find yourself having overwhelming, scary, or suicidal thoughts. Whether a hotline or a friend or family member. My best friend also went through this and as painful as it was it revisit those places, I was so happy to sit and talk to her when she was having her worst times. You are not alone and this is not forever. ❤️ 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much these replies are helping. I am very grateful. To hear your testimonies of having these feelings go away is a massive help. I was able to get some sleep and it did help. I just need 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep to be ok and I had not been getting that when I posted this. I will try my best to practice better self care and ask my husband to help somehow. I really need a plan because I can’t have this happen again or often. It really scared me. Thank you for sharing with me. I will do your suggestions. It doesn’t help that I am on a foreign country and none of my family and friends here so I will put on the tv to feel less alone. 💖

[Pluto]

14 hours ago, Poulesportive said:

Pluto I can relate to so much of what your wrote. My pregnancy and the 8 months I spent breastfeeding were the only times in my adult life that I was not on an AD, and I white knuckled it through the whole way, was a hot mess while pregnant (emotionally speaking - I took care of myself physically), my family was even more of a hot mess (oldest stepdaughter furious that I was pregnant and resenting the idea of a new baby in the family), and I had to stop breastfeeding in order to go back on ADs, since everyone said that's what was best for my out of control depression.

 

If only I had had this site. I might have had to back on an AD anyway, simply because the CT then pregnancy hormones....then pregnancy hormones going away....was too much transition for my brain. But I would have gone back at a much lower dose. And would have tapered (if only I had known what that was), and dealt with diet/supplements. Anyway - my daughter switched effortlessly from breastmilk to formula and never fussed or even seemed to notice. And she's a very healthy, happy eight year old now.

 

As they say, "happy mom, happy baby." You absolutely must take the very best care of yourself. With this website and the collective wisdom of everyone on here - you've got this. Do what you need to do to get well! 

Thank you for sharing and it is great to hear that you were able to come out well on the other side. Currently I am just watching myself. If it gets to a point where I can not truly go on or grit my teeth through it, then sure, I will have to go back on ADs but I would really hate to. 

 

I’m curious whether I can take some supplements while breastfeeding. If you have any resources for me about that to read and research, I would appreciate it. I will make ADs my last resort. 

 

Thank you again. 

[MamaCat]

Pluto, I'm sorry you are going through this without friends and family close to help. I can't imagine how difficult that might be. I would turn the TV on at all hours of the day, I remember watching a lot of Seinfeld re-runs. I know at least where I am, there are breastfeeding (la leche I believe and they are like, everywhere! lol) and new mom support groups or even meet-ups that might be helpful. I wonder if you asked your ob if they could make a recommendation? Also, I'm sure your ob could make a recommendation for a counselor/therapist you could talk to, whom might also be able to put you in touch with helpful resources.

 

The decision to go back on AD's is tough, especially when you have been through so much trying to get off them. Whatever decision you end up making, try not to make it under duress. I want to second, happy mom, happy baby. Be as kind to yourself as possible right now.

 

I hope today is better for you!  

[Poulesportive]

On 6/30/2018 at 2:03 PM, Pluto said:

I’m curious whether I can take some supplements while breastfeeding. If you have any resources for me about that to read and research, I would appreciate it. I will make ADs my last resort. 

 

Pluto I have no medical training and think you should check with your doctor to be sure, but I do see that breastfeeding women are sharing about their experiences taking magnesium supplements for depression and anxiety on the Facebook group "Magnesium Advocacy Group," which I am a new member of. I don't follow the whole "root cause protocol," recommended on this group, as it seems complicated, but I just take Magnesium glycinate (200 mg a day or 400 mg a day if I'm stressed) and find it makes a HUGE difference for anxiety. If you do a search on Facebook, you will pull up more than one "Magnesium Advocacy Group." Choose the one that has more than 154,000 members and ask to join. Once you are a member, you can also join the subgroup "Mag~nificent Mommies" which is for breastfeeding moms taking supplements. I found out about the MAG group from my other Facebook group Cymbalta Hurts Worse, which is specifically for people tapering from Cymbalta. 

 

On this website, SA, I found a link to the wholistic psychiatrist Dr. Kelly Brogan's website: https://kellybroganmd.com/about/bio/.  I have read much of the free information available on Dr. Brogan's website and have followed many of the nutrition suggestions. While I don't think there is any info there specific to breastfeeding, it is a wonderful free resource for info on how to address depression through nutrition and supplements (among other things). 

 

I sobbed in the office of my lactation consultant when I was making the decision to go back on ADs and end breastfeeding. If only I'd known that my 8 month old could care less about breast milk and was happy to take formula, it would have been a less excruciating decision. I think you are incredibly brave to be staying off ADs, and I really feel for you and the situation you are in. I hope you are able to keep posting on this site and using it as a resource whichever decision you end up taking. Please take very good care of yourself - you deserve to feel joy every day in your first year as a new mom!

 

 

[Bee5]

Pluto, I went through severe postnatal depression. One thing I don't regret is stopping breastfeeding; I was fighting to stay alive every day, and by removing the added pressure of breastfeeding, it certainly did lighten the load. Do not feel like you have to breastfeed, or do anything that stresses you out in this fragile time. There is nothing more scary than suicidal ideation, and if going back on ADs removes the suicidal ideation, then in my opinion it is worth going back on ADs. Please keep us posted, we are here to listen and to be a sounding board.

[Pluto]

On 7/4/2018 at 3:58 AM, Poulesportive said:

Pluto I have no medical training and think you should check with your doctor to be sure, but I do see that breastfeeding women are sharing about their experiences taking magnesium supplements for depression and anxiety on the Facebook group "Magnesium Advocacy Group," which I am a new member of. I don't follow the whole "root cause protocol," recommended on this group, as it seems complicated, but I just take Magnesium glycinate (200 mg a day or 400 mg a day if I'm stressed) and find it makes a HUGE difference for anxiety. If you do a search on Facebook, you will pull up more than one "Magnesium Advocacy Group." Choose the one that has more than 154,000 members and ask to join. Once you are a member, you can also join the subgroup "Mag~nificent Mommies" which is for breastfeeding moms taking supplements. I found out about the MAG group from my other Facebook group Cymbalta Hurts Worse, which is specifically for people tapering from Cymbalta. 

 

On this website, SA, I found a link to the wholistic psychiatrist Dr. Kelly Brogan's website: https://kellybroganmd.com/about/bio/.  I have read much of the free information available on Dr. Brogan's website and have followed many of the nutrition suggestions. While I don't think there is any info there specific to breastfeeding, it is a wonderful free resource for info on how to address depression through nutrition and supplements (among other things). 

 

I sobbed in the office of my lactation consultant when I was making the decision to go back on ADs and end breastfeeding. If only I'd known that my 8 month old could care less about breast milk and was happy to take formula, it would have been a less excruciating decision. I think you are incredibly brave to be staying off ADs, and I really feel for you and the situation you are in. I hope you are able to keep posting on this site and using it as a resource whichever decision you end up taking. Please take very good care of yourself - you deserve to feel joy every day in your first year as a new mom!

 

 

Thank you for the very useful feedback. I type this as th baby is napping. I was able to pinpoint what was triggering the suicidal ideation and depression and it was lack of sleep. So, since posting, I have been trying my best to sleep more. I have since not had as bad a dip as that day but I still struggle. I do take Magnesium. I took it before my pregnancy and during. It is something I take every night to help with sleep. Unfortunately I deactivated Facebook (don’t judge me 😂) and I’m not sure if I can access it without it logging me in. I will find out and have a look at the groups if they are open groups. 

 

I also started taking fish oils since the suicidal thoughts day. I am wondering if I can take things like L-Theanine and that sort of thing. I will have to do research. 

 

To to be honest, the breastfeeding pressure is from outside influences than myself. I was bottle fed and I’m fine (well... hmmm... am I fine? Lol) I feel people around here would judge me especially my husband’s mother and his brother who has a breastfed kid. However, if it is a matter of life and death, I will choose being judged. 

 

I will research more. Thank you for the resources and thank you for sharing your experience. 💖

 

 

[Pluto]

On 7/1/2018 at 12:38 AM, MamaCat said:

Pluto, I'm sorry you are going through this without friends and family close to help. I can't imagine how difficult that might be. I would turn the TV on at all hours of the day, I remember watching a lot of Seinfeld re-runs. I know at least where I am, there are breastfeeding (la leche I believe and they are like, everywhere! lol) and new mom support groups or even meet-ups that might be helpful. I wonder if you asked your ob if they could make a recommendation? Also, I'm sure your ob could make a recommendation for a counselor/therapist you could talk to, whom might also be able to put you in touch with helpful resources.

 

The decision to go back on AD's is tough, especially when you have been through so much trying to get off them. Whatever decision you end up making, try not to make it under duress. I want to second, happy mom, happy baby. Be as kind to yourself as possible right now.

 

I hope today is better for you!  

Thank you MamaCat. Yeah, ADs did so much damage to me which I was finally starting to fix, to go back seems like self-hate. The only hope is that I had suicidal thoughts for one day and it has not occurred since that day. Maybe sobbing all day helped. Maybe sleeping more helped. Maybe taking stronger Omega 3s helped. I don’t know. I’m taking it one day at a time and really putting ADs as my last resort. 

 

I’ve been watching comedy series. I started watching one called Schitt’s Creek. I’ll be watching Grace and Frankie after that. Basically I Google “best comedy series” and start watching. It helps. Thank you. 

[Pluto]

2 hours ago, Bee5 said:

Pluto, I went through severe postnatal depression. One thing I don't regret is stopping breastfeeding; I was fighting to stay alive every day, and by removing the added pressure of breastfeeding, it certainly did lighten the load. Do not feel like you have to breastfeed, or do anything that stresses you out in this fragile time. There is nothing more scary than suicidal ideation, and if going back on ADs removes the suicidal ideation, then in my opinion it is worth going back on ADs. Please keep us posted, we are here to listen and to be a sounding board.

Thank you for your reply. Before getting pregnant I felt neither positively nor negatively towards breastfeeding. Now that I am doing it, I find it such a lovely experience but not at first, mind you. At first, it was horrid. I really wanted to quit but I listened to everyone saying it gets better by week 6. They were right. It’s only 6 weeks (not very long to be honest). 

 

Anyway, it does add stress but from my imagination, bottlefeeding seems more stressful what with making bottles, cleaning bottles, and buying formula etc. I honestly think/thought that breastfeeding is more convenient. Hmmm... (thinking). 

 

I’ll see. Thus far, the frightening suicide ideation hasn’t occurred since the day I posted this. Let me see how long I can go without it. I do know for sure that lack of sleep drives even people who do not have a history of anxiety and depression, so I imagine it affects me more. Since committing to sleeping more, since that day, I’ve been better. Hopefully the lesson was to sleep more, not to go back on ADs. ADs scare me so much now. Getting off them made me feel worse than what got me on them. I really don’t want to do that again (quit ADs again) so if I go on them again, I will have to repeat that experience which took so much joy away from my life. I have not experienced anything worse than quitting ADs because unlike Benzos, ADs mess with your brain more and longer. But, truth be told, all these drugs are tough to quit. 

 

Anyway, I digress. My apologies. Thank you for the encouragement though. If I stop breastfeeding I will definitely know that it does not do anything negative to the baby. It will just be me missing it. 

[Poulesportive]

On 7/6/2018 at 3:47 AM, Pluto said:

Thank you for the very useful feedback. I type this as th baby is napping. I was able to pinpoint what was triggering the suicidal ideation and depression and it was lack of sleep. So, since posting, I have been trying my best to sleep more. I have since not had as bad a dip as that day but I still struggle. 

 

 

Hi Pluto! I was so glad to read your news that the symptom of suicidal ideation hasn't returned since you started to get more sleep!  In my opinion, that symptom is not one you should ever have to endure again and should be fought with every resource. I think of myself as someone with a genetic vulnerability to depression and anxiety, which requires that I prioritize getting enough sleep - even if I have to cancel activities in order to get it, even if it makes other people cross or causes them disappointment. Happy mom, happy 8 year old

 

So glad to hear that you ditched Facebook! That sounds wise. There is so much info on this website, I could read for months! I have also been reading about functional medicine and there is an institute that refers doctors in Switzerland who are certified in FM: https://www.ifm.org/.  I've seen this referred on my FB groups. Presumably it is expensive to work with a doctor in functional medicine but is recommended for treating difficult conditions (like depression that won't go away) by getting to root causes, rather than covering symptoms over with a drug. I'm not going this route for now because I'm focused on eliminating gluten.

 

Since you already do magnesium, have you thought about or tried eliminating gluten? Dr. Brogan recommends it for depression symptoms and I am in the process of eliminating it. Even greatly reducing it has helped my mood. Apparently it has helped others with serious mood disorders: https://kellybroganmd.com/vital-mind-stories-trudys-journey-suicidal-joyful/?utm_source=Kelly+Brogan+MD+Newsletter&amp;utm_campaign=65cf0c4e08-June+Recap&amp;utm_medium=email&amp;utm_term=0_d0f977a8c5-65cf0c4e08-124091573

 

I have heard of L-Theanine, but don't know much about it. How much magnesium are you taking? I take either 200 or 400 mg a day (usually 200) of magnesium glycinate, as I'd read that the glycinate form was easiest on the stomach (it is). However I have read that women should take as much as 600 mg/day, and that it should be taken in smaller doses several times a day, with meals, to allow for maximum absorption. I have also heard that absorbing magnesium through the skin (as with epsom salt baths and applying magnesium oil) allows your body to absorb more of it than you get when it's processed through the digestive tract.

 

One other quick thought: someone on your thread recommended finding a breastfeeding support group locally. This is a really excellent idea, IMO. I would never have made it 8 months breastfeeding without my breastfeeding support group. It is truly inspiring to hear how other women are overcoming all sorts of medical difficulties while breastfeeding - empathizing with others is a huge positive antidote to the isolation that can come with being a new mom. 

 

For what it's worth - wishing you a good night's sleep tonight! 

 

 

[Pluto]

On 7/9/2018 at 2:33 PM, Poulesportive said:

Hi Pluto! I was so glad to read your news that the symptom of suicidal ideation hasn't returned since you started to get more sleep!  In my opinion, that symptom is not one you should ever have to endure again and should be fought with every resource. I think of myself as someone with a genetic vulnerability to depression and anxiety, which requires that I prioritize getting enough sleep - even if I have to cancel activities in order to get it, even if it makes other people cross or causes them disappointment. Happy mom, happy 8 year old

 

So glad to hear that you ditched Facebook! That sounds wise. There is so much info on this website, I could read for months! I have also been reading about functional medicine and there is an institute that refers doctors in Switzerland who are certified in FM: https://www.ifm.org/.  I've seen this referred on my FB groups. Presumably it is expensive to work with a doctor in functional medicine but is recommended for treating difficult conditions (like depression that won't go away) by getting to root causes, rather than covering symptoms over with a drug. I'm not going this route for now because I'm focused on eliminating gluten.

 

Since you already do magnesium, have you thought about or tried eliminating gluten? Dr. Brogan recommends it for depression symptoms and I am in the process of eliminating it. Even greatly reducing it has helped my mood. Apparently it has helped others with serious mood disorders: https://kellybroganmd.com/vital-mind-stories-trudys-journey-suicidal-joyful/?utm_source=Kelly+Brogan+MD+Newsletter&amp;utm_campaign=65cf0c4e08-June+Recap&amp;utm_medium=email&amp;utm_term=0_d0f977a8c5-65cf0c4e08-124091573

 

I have heard of L-Theanine, but don't know much about it. How much magnesium are you taking? I take either 200 or 400 mg a day (usually 200) of magnesium glycinate, as I'd read that the glycinate form was easiest on the stomach (it is). However I have read that women should take as much as 600 mg/day, and that it should be taken in smaller doses several times a day, with meals, to allow for maximum absorption. I have also heard that absorbing magnesium through the skin (as with epsom salt baths and applying magnesium oil) allows your body to absorb more of it than you get when it's processed through the digestive tract.

 

One other quick thought: someone on your thread recommended finding a breastfeeding support group locally. This is a really excellent idea, IMO. I would never have made it 8 months breastfeeding without my breastfeeding support group. It is truly inspiring to hear how other women are overcoming all sorts of medical difficulties while breastfeeding - empathizing with others is a huge positive antidote to the isolation that can come with being a new mom. 

 

For what it's worth - wishing you a good night's sleep tonight! 

 

 

Hi Poulesportive

 

Thank you again for the wonderful informative response. I take Magnesium Citrate-Malate 135mg x 6 a day and I take it in one go at night to help me sleep. From what you have written, I should spread that out through out the day. I didn't know that it absorbs better that way. I have no idea whether this is a good form of magnesium, to be honest. I will have to check and see. The reason the dose is so high is because I am also taking Iron Fumarate to increase my Ferritin, and the magnesium plus Vitamic C help m avoid constipation. Low iron stores and low iron is contributing to a lot anxiety and depression so I am trying to fix that too. 

 

I will look into the functional medicine link. If it is in Switzerland, I hope there are practitioners near me. 

 

As for the breastfeeding group... I am always very discouraged to join groups here because most times, they speak Swiss German and I am never understand anything that is being said, however I will have a look. I might be lucky.

 

As for gluten. For a long time I was gluten free. I started going back on gluten because things got very overwhelming and preparing gluten free meals became difficult. I must say that I know one person who benefited from quitting gluten. I am currently off dairy for the baby's benefit. If I go off gluten and dairy, things might get really uncomfortable for me so I will have to do it gradually over a long time to achieve something. However, I can cut down as I have done it before. Maybe going off a little will help a little.

 

I wish you also a good state of mind and peace and joy.

[Ripley66]

I had my baby in November 2017. I had severe postpartum depression. I tried white knuckling it at first and ended up in the ER convinced I was dying I fell so ill. I think the first 6 months you have to really monitor your symptoms...if youre eating well and sleeping than emotions may be situational which is soooo normal with a baby. But if you stop eating and become restless and start having panic attacks be so careful. That is how it started for me and I had to be hospitalized and put on antipsychotics as I was not eating or sleeping. I couldnt take care of myself. Hormones are very complex. One thing I suggest postpartum is Estrosmart to keep your first year postpartum hormones from spiralling which can trigger mental illness. After one year youre out of the postpartum danger zone and can typically rest easy! 

[Poulesportive]

On 7/15/2018 at 5:31 AM, Pluto said:

The reason the dose is so high is because I am also taking Iron Fumarate to increase my Ferritin, and the magnesium plus Vitamic C help m avoid constipation. Low iron stores and low iron is contributing to a lot anxiety and depression so I am trying to fix that too. 

 

Hi Pluto, 

 

Quick note to say that I'm sorry to hear that the local breastfeeding support groups near you speak a different language! I actually am no longer a part of any parenting support group since I quit drinking alcohol in 2017 and joined AA. I only have time for one group The total absence of alcohol has meant that I very rarely if ever get depressed any more - especially since I feel so supported going to the AA meetings near me (the ones I like - some AA groups are quite weird IMO and I avoid those).

 

That leaves me with just the anxiety, insomnia, and digestive issues to manage, which really are not that bad at this point unless I try to reduce my Cymbalta dose too quickly. Unfortunately I have to go very slow or all hell breaks loose.

 

Wanted to mention that for reasons that are beyond me, the Magnesium Advocacy Group/Root Cause Protocol people say that the one of the best things to do to get magnesium to work for you is to stop taking iron supplements! This is true whether you are using magnesium to treat depression or any other ailment, see: https://therootcauseprotocol.com/ and also http://gotmag.org/.  Needless to say I don't have any sort of medical degree, but the same people who are advocating high magnesium diets & magnesium supplements to combat any chronic, inflammation-related disease are also saying that high iron levels are toxic: http://gotmag.org/category/iron-toxicity/page/2/

 

Whether this is a credible source of info I don't know, but I do know that my life is noticeably better taking a magnesium supplement so I do use the MAG website from time to time as a reference.

 

For what it's worth! How is your depression now? Is it any better? Wishing you lots of really good sleep - that's so hard to get with an infant!