neroli: is this benzo withdrawal, or other drugs interacting

[neroli]

1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

I hope you are feeling somewhat better as your day has progressed.  If not, hopefully tomorrow will be a better one, my friend. 💗

I did get to feel a bit better as the day went on - and tomorrow could be very different, I may be cheerier.  

 

So, concrete legs are now splayed out on my bed, I'll do a bit of Netflix (watching a British dark comedy called "Flowers" at the moment - it is weird but it makes me laugh at times).  Olivia Colman is in it and I really rate her as an actress, she was in Broadchurch if you got to see that.  Don't know if you get to see much Brit.. stuff.

 

Have a good afternoon/evening my friend.

 

Neroli 💜

[wantrelief]

Oh so happy to hear you did feel a bit better as your day went on, Neroli!  I hope you enjoyed watching your show.  I haven't heard of "Flowers"....I like weird so it sounds like something I might enjoy too.  I also like Olivia Colman (I did see Broadchurch) so another plus.  Thinking about you, WR.

 

 

[neroli]

@Rabe @wantrelief @Rosetta @Carmie

 

It's xmas day here.  I want to wish you all a good day, whatever you are doing.  May there be moments of calm and well-feeling for all of you.

 

Love and best wishes

 

Nerloi 💜

[ChessieCat]

18 minutes ago, neroli said:

 

It's xmas day here.

 

Of course, NZ beats Australia in the time zone!  Merry Christmas, it's 8.15 am here in Sydney.

[neroli]

Thank you, Chessiecat,  Yes I think we're two hours ahead! I hope you have a good day, too. 💜

[neroli]

hi @ChessieCat

 

I've been reading a bit of your back story (particularly because I noticed you'd mentioned slight Serotonin Toxicity and wanted to find out more about how it was diagnosed, it seems you figured that out for yourself).  Anyway, skipping up to the present you said this: "Before AD tapering I used to be able to join in some of the merriment even though I had to make an effort to do so but would usually enjoy it.  However, I am feeling anti social and don't plan on going to any Christmas functions.  I figure why put myself through something which stresses me."  

 

Exactly how it is for me.  I didn't go to any functions - the added stress of getting there (with weak wobbly legs), the noise and hubbub, the having to shout to have any kind of conversation (usually chit chat) and then foods I can't eat....just not worth the kickback I'd get.

 

Today, I did go to a friend's for lunch and loosened the tight grip I have on my diet a bit, sauces, dressings, ham (processed food), limoncello tiramisu (alcohol, though only a small amount), pavlova, sugar, sugar......Will see if there are any ramifications tomorrow.  Tonight I just feel a bit drained.  Good to be able to have a couple of hours of company.

 

Hope your day went well.

 

Neroli 💜

[neroli]

Just to record:

 

Xmas day, had a nice dinner with friends, managed three hours.  Ate sugary desserts and dressings and sauces that I didn't know what they were made of.  Felt a bit wobbly after all this (I eat really plain food normally) and in the evening I stayed up late watching Netflix, then had a big meltdown.  Didn't want to go to sleep because I dreaded waking up and facing all this stuff again.  Phoned Lifeline, they were really good at getting me to ground myself and be able to tell them what was going on.  Then I FB'd a friend, who understood the meltdown and that I'd be ok in the morning despite that late night.

 

Next day, I got up at the usual time (5.45) and after a shaky start, I had an extraordinarily calm day with quite a bit of activity, pottering around my house and garden.

 

Baffles me how I managed to have one of the calmest days for a very long time.  So, recording a good day.

[ChessieCat]

Sounds like you got a very good and understanding LifeLine support person.  There are many people who aren't going through AD WD who have difficulties coping over the Christmas period.

 

It was probably a combination of the food you ate and being overstimulated.  But you did really well.  You knew that you needed support and you took action to obtain it.  And you've survived it.  Good job!!!

 

For me, I had a really lovely Christmas Day but the fall out from it was heat exhaustion.  I went back to bed yesterday morning and slept for 3-3.5 hours even though I had slept the night before.

 

On 12/25/2018 at 5:55 PM, neroli said:

I noticed you'd mentioned slight Serotonin Toxicity and wanted to find out more about how it was diagnosed, it seems you figured that out for yourself

 

Yes, I started researching why I felt so awful.  I started off looking at side effects and realised that it was probably the Pristiq that was causing issues.  That was the reason I reduced from 100mg to 50mg.  Pristiq is only available in those doses and "shouldn't" be cut.  I don't know exactly how or when I found out about serotonin toxicity, but as my symptoms reduced as my dose got lower and I found out more then more pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place.  Some of the symptoms I had I didn't realise until they had reduced or gone that I had been feeling that way.  I met a lady recently who was taking 200mg Pristiq plus possibly another (maybe 2) psychiatric drug/s (one for sleep?) and I could tell straight away that she had serotonin toxicity.  I could see my previous self in her and how she was acting and talking.  I wrote it down for her and also SA website addy and told her to research it and ask her doctor about it.  I haven't had any contact with her since.  My big concern is that she has medication spellbinding and trusts her doctor.  However, I've done what I could and the rest is up to her.

[wantrelief]

Oh Neroli, I am so sorry you had such a rough night after your Christmas outing.  I am so glad you reached out and got the support you needed.  I completely understand your dreading waking up and going through all of this again.....this is all beyond difficult.  I am so relieved you had a good day after your bad night and you are feeling a bit better now.  I am thinking about you, my friend-in-arms.  

[Carmie]

Hi Neroli, 

 

Thanks for popping around to my thread. Just thought I’d pop over here and send you some hugs🤗🤗.

 

Hope you find some distractions to get you through the holiday period. Enjoy your knitting. Do you do any other crafts? 

 

Sending sunshine from sunny Queensland ☀️☀️☀️

[neroli]

1 hour ago, Carmie said:

Do you do any other crafts? 

Hello Carnie

 

I got an adult colouring book from a kind friend, so I spend some time doing that,  It's quite intricate, so it can be quite absorbing.  Otherwise I read if I can, and watch youtube videos of people giving buddhist talks on acceptance (I know these aren't crafts, but are ways I spend the time when I can do nothing else). 

 

 I made a comment on your thread about the sun!

 

Best

 

Neroli 💜

[Carmie]

Colouring in sounds fun Neroli, 

 

A friend of mine sent me two colouring books a few weeks back too, I think our friends know we’re big kids. She gave me nature ones, she knows me well. I have done lots of colouring in in the past. I’ve got a sore wrist at the moment though from all the years of non stop crocheting to help distract from withdrawals so I have to be careful not to use it too much. Probably RSI. I need to rest it lots now , hope it heals eventually. I’ve had it for a month or two. Probably not good spending too much time writing on here either.

 

Won’t be sending you any more sunshine, seeing you have plenty😄. Would you like some rain instead?☔️☔️☔️🤣 How about some cool weather ❄️❄️❄️?  Poor ChessieCat had to survive 41 degree weather today. 

 

Enjoy the rest of your day💚

[neroli]

3 minutes ago, Carmie said:

Poor ChessieCat had to survive 41 degree weather today. 

That would have me in a puddle in the floor!    We were at 21-23 ish and that was plenty.

 

About 19 degrees all year round would suit me,  You sunny bunnies!

 

Yes, rest up that wrist - can't have it spoiling the distractions.  I get a sore knuckle or two from knitting, so am making the most of it while I can.

 

💜

[Rosetta]

I'm so glad you had a good day after all that trouble.  What a nice surprise.  (((Neroli))) for the hard night.   I know what that's like.  

[neroli]

20 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

(((Neroli))) for the hard night.   I know what that's like.

Thanks for dropping in, Rosetta.  Yes, I know you know - your thread has documented many times when you have had such trouble.  Pleased to see that recently things have eased up.  Really great news for you.

 

Best of wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

On 12/26/2018 at 3:54 PM, ChessieCat said:

For me, I had a really lovely Christmas Day but the fall out from it was heat exhaustion.  I went back to bed yesterday morning and slept for 3-3.5 hours even though I had slept the night before.

@ChessieCat Hope you are feeling better !  Take care!💜

[Rabe]

Hi Neroli....wanted to tell you I am thinking about you and hoping your walk went ok! 💜

[neroli]

Hello @Rabe

 

Thank you for dropping in,  I did go for a walk - about 1 hour 10 minutes.  Possibly a bit too long but managed to have a good chat with my friend.  Legs like rocks after.

 

Today, not too bad legs-wise and have had a friend come to visit.  Practiced focusing on our interaction, not my symptoms (it's been a weeing, hungry, anxiety, fatigue day).

 

Hope you've had a good day and feel rested after the big outing.  I'll pop over to your thread at some point.

 

Best

 

Neroli 💜

[Carmie]

Hi Neroli, 

 

Just wanted to pop by and say I’m glad that you’ve been having nice times with friends. It’s so important to have mutually encouraging friendships. We get encouragement from them, and when we encourage them it also makes us happy. 

 

You did quite a long walk with the leg problems you have. I hope you’ve recovered a little from that. 

 

Sending hugs across the ocean from Australia to New Zealand🤗

[Rosetta]

Happy New Year, Neroli!

[neroli]

A note:

 

Trying to taper over to a vape from tobacco.  Seems it will be a long process, have had more disturbed sleep and anxiety since starting a mixed vape/tobacco taper - about 5 vapes a day.  Think it will have to be one vape a day from now and slowly increase vapes/decrease tobacco.

 

Shows how sensitive the system is.

[Rabe]

Im glad you had such a nice walk Neroli...wow!  That was long...and your legs made it and you had a nice chat!  Lovely!!!!  Happy for you!!
 

Oh yes...do take your time with the tobacco...you wouldn't want to affect the other too much huh?  Take care of you Neroli!  Blessings and hugs!!💜

[Rabe]

Hi Neroli...just wondered how things went today...know you had a walk date.  Just thinking about you across the water....hoping you are doing ok!!!💜

[neroli]

we're playing SA tag - I just posted on your thread!

[wantrelief]

Hello friend-in-arms,

 

Thank you for popping by my thread....I really appreciate your message. I thought I'd come by your thread to respond and say hello.  It sounds like you've been coping really well with your distractions and even getting out for some walks.....that is wonderful, Neroli!

 

I am holding until my next cut which won't be for another week.  So far so good as I haven't noticed any worsening of symptoms.  I know I should just be grateful for that but the day-to-day remains difficult.  It is so hard not to get worn down by all of this.  I don't write much as I just feel like a broken record.  Sigh.

 

I am thinking about you and hope your last days of vacation/retreat! go well.

 

I am grateful for your friendship,

WR

[Rabe]

@wantrelief 

12 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

I don't write much as I just feel like a broken record.  Sigh.

I wanted to tell you that I dont think you sound like a broken record at all WR.  You are dealing with so much yet are such a bright light to all of us!  Happy to read this drop has gone ok so far!  I am so grateful!!!  Hope it continues!  Take care of you WR!  Sending hugs!!💜

[Rabe]

Just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you today, Neroli, and hope the day at work went ok.  💜

[neroli]

2 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I am holding until my next cut which won't be for another week.  So far so good as I haven't noticed any worsening of symptoms

Hello my friend, nice to hear from you.

 

Good that there hasn't been any worsening in symptoms so far, it can be so challenging to make the drops, especially if baseline is wobbly anyway.  So, let's hope it's more or less an even keel until the next drop.

 

2 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I know I should just be grateful for that but the day-to-day remains difficult.  It is so hard not to get worn down by all of this.  I don't write much as I just feel like a broken record.  Sigh.

Ah, well, we all know this so well, d-to-d, fatigued by the constancy of the effects - it is tough to keep our heads above water at many times.  

 

My tactic at present has been to watch videos of people whose lives have been flipped over by back injuries, strokes, etc..to remind myself that s**t happens to all sorts of people.  I do get angry that this drug injury  has happened to the degree it has to me (ie. life-changing) and I feel it should never have happened.  If I go too far down that road, I know that the anger inflames the symptoms and rattles me so that any depression, that may be there caused by the drugs I am now on, is amplified.  So I have to rescue myself from that little pit.  And put it in the box of s**t happens.  That's as close to acceptance as I can get at the moment.

 

This morning, I happened to get  talking to an older woman who was parked next to me and she told me she was going in to town to meet her lifelong friend, who, at the age of 50,  had an operation that went wrong and she has been left with constant pain and paralysis.  One doesn't have to go far to hear of the suffering of others.

 

On a good day, the anger could fuel more letter writing to health authorities telling them of the harms the drugs have done but for the past two weeks I've put that aside purposely to get on with having a retreat.  (There's been a heck of a lot of knitting, colouring, some walking, some dozing, some meditating, lots of watching of "spiritual" and "how people have coped with life-changing events" videos, listening to things that soothe my soul, a bit of piano playing).  I have survived two weeks of being at home, which is great because I SO wasn't looking forward to the holiday, fearing the isolation. And of course there has been the contact and support of lovely people like you and the others on this site.

 

I almost don't want to go back to work.....will my legs hold up, will I cope with the stress etc???, even though I do want to see my colleagues.  One step at a time...slide back into it as gently as I can.......I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to perform and now it is a real training to soften that habit.

 

Oh, and please, please feel at liberty to come over and bring your broken record to my thread.  We all need a place to let some of the icky stuff out at times.

 

So, just to note my broken record - today has been ok-ish, legs up at about 7, anxiety up, the hollow hungry feeling and weeing is back (haven't had it for a week or so).  Sigh.

 

Will have to keep my fan on tonight as the temperature is up to 18 degrees C overnight and that really affects my sleep.

 

Keep on being you, Wantrelief.  And thank you for your friendship.

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

[neroli]

2 hours ago, Rabe said:

Just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you today, Neroli, and hope the day at work went ok.  💜

Dear Rabe

 

Thank you so much for thinking of me and for the good wishes for the first day at work.  Unfortunately, it is still Saturday here, so I won't have the pleasure of getting back Into commuting and work until Monday.

 

Today has been ok.  I had a rather extraordinary thought yesterday about my legs, they do feel weak and wobbly, yet they haven't completely collapsed as yet, and I thought "ok, so I don't like the feeling of lead legs but maybe I don't need to worry about them collapsing".  It gave me a bit of a different perspective.  So, even though I had the leaden feeling, I didn't experience so much dread going to get my groceries first thing.  I almost felt confident.

 

Then, as it is too hot to walk outside by 10am, I had the brilliant idea that I could go to the gym instead and do 15 mins. on the rowing machine (gently). And then this afternoon I went to the wool shop and stood without walking sticks for about half an hour sorting out wool and patterns.  Now, that is a lot of going out for me and I haven't been to the gym for two years.  Bit of fallout this afternoon, raised anxiety, legs ramped up, very tired. But still, I got out a bit more this one time.

 

Vaping has turned out to be an issue - threw my system a bit, disturbed sleep/increased anxiety.  So, either that goes on the back burner, or I introduce it very gradually over a number of months.

 

I hope your day has been ok.

 

Warm wishes

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

I always forget the time difference...and I also thought, for some reason, that you were going back to work this week. Dah for me!!  I'm way glad however that I was wrong and that you have had 2 whole weeks at home honing up on all sorts of older and newer activities.  I think it is wonderful!!

I started back at the Y for awhile and found that after a few days my symptoms were worse and my electrolytes and pretty much everything went out the window...sor for now I have stopped that though I was thinking of perhaps trying tomorrow.  I have some lighter weights here and my yoga...gentler.  I always got to the Y saying Im only going to do this much...but it feels so good at the time...but not at some point later.  I think I will put my membership on hold.  Hate to pay when not using.

 

I bet it felt great to get out more and have legs do ok...reassuring huh?  What fun to be able to sort through the wool and patterns.  I used to knit ... but always put it on the shelf when I couldn't do the arm holes and things.  So I turned to needlepoint.  But now I cant see it as well...some of the small canvases.  So I have to remember to look at the canvas size before buying.  

My daughter would like a blanket for her daughter and I thought I would try to get to the fabric store and see what I could find...she loves bunnies (bun buns) and satin backing so I thought if I could find bunnies and satin I would go for it.  

 

You know, I wondered about that vaping, though I admire your tenacity!  If it is causes issues perhaps going slower might be enough...or perhaps put it on back burner for now for your sake.  You have so much to deal with already...one thing at at time.....or a few which you are already doing. 

 

Have a good day Neroli!  SO good to know you are there over the pond...I am grateful for our friendship and all it holds.  Blessings and hugs!!💜

 

 

[Rabe]

Just hoping your day is going ok for you Neroli!! Thinking about you!💜

[neroli]

Hello @Rabe

 

Thank you for your thoughts.  I've been for a walk and am now waiting to eat my lunch.  I eat at a regular schedule, so that I can space out the time and look forward to the times I can eat.  Guess that's not the case for you as eating is so difficult for you.

 

Have to admit I'm nervous and trying to control anxiety about going back to work tomorrow.  I can only do what I can do.  Will try to just keep calm for the rest of the day.

 

Just emailed my Dr for a new prescription - how I hate having to have these drugs.

 

Hope your day is going ok.

 

Much love

 

Neroli 💜

[wantrelief]

Hi Neroli,

 

It is only natural you would be anxious about going back to work tomorrow.  You were nervous about how your break would go and it sounds like, overall, it went quite well, so I suspect the same for your going back to work.

 

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night despite the heat.

 

17 hours ago, neroli said:

Oh, and please, please feel at liberty to come over and bring your broken record to my thread.  We all need a place to let some of the icky stuff out at times

Thank you very much for this, my friend. 

 

Thinking about you and wishing you the best for today and tomorrow,

WR

[Rabe]

I always do better if there is nothing on the calendar that I HAVE to do...probably my anticipatory anxiety....probably??😂 Definitely! 🙄

I know you have posted about being nervous going back to work in the past and you have done well when you do.  Hope that is the case tomorrow.  You did so well on your break with your legs and the walks and all...tuck those in your pocket as reminders!☺️

I am with you on the res and meds and all....will be nice to be done with them one day.  Hope you are doing ok in the staying calm part.

Yeah...I wish I could do better with the eating.  I have been eating a bit of other things lately and it has been ok, probably cause haven't tapered in while...that always sends things into a tailspin and that is what upsets me the most...the electrolytes going crazy and not being able to eat. oh well...

You take care Neroli...sending you hugs across the pond!!💜

[neroli]

1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

It is only natural you would be anxious about going back to work tomorrow.  You were nervous about how your break would go and it sounds like, overall, it went quite well, so I suspect the same for your going back to work.

Oh, thank you Wantrelief.  Seems I'm nervous about just about everything!  It's true, it's not just my legs, there is anxiety which is due to the damage and now, I suspect, the drugs I'm on (benzo. maybe in particular).

 

Yep, one of this days again when I'm sick of all this. How many years it's going to take and not feeling good all the way through. (Negative thoughts, I know).

 

I did sleep, I kept the fan on all night.

 

Thank you, friend, for your support.  So good to have you  there.

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

[neroli]

35 minutes ago, Rabe said:

I always do better if there is nothing on the calendar that I HAVE to do...probably my anticipatory anxiety....probably??😂 Definitely! 

Thank you Rabe.  That's right, it is probably anticipatory anxiety.  When I'm working I have it every weekend.

 

I'm always going on about my legs, eh?  

 

I've just done an Autogenic "meditation" to one that's on YouTube and have dozed through most of it.  That's taken care of one hour of not angsting.  And my neighbour has just phoned so I've been able to talk to her about it.  

 

Thank you for popping in with your supportive words.

 

Much love

 

Neroli 💜