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Meaning through poetry (favorites, published)


manymoretodays

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  • Moderator

Link to poems written by members:  member's original poetry

 

 

I just had to share this one by Mary Oliver on grief:  From her book entitled:Thirst.

 

Heavy

 

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying

 

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Sure God

had His hand in this,

 

as well as friends.

Still, I was bent,

and my laughter,

as the poet said,

 

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel

(brave even among lions),

"It's not the weight you carry

 

but how you carry it-----

books, bricks, grief-----

it's all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

 

when you cannot, and would not,

put it down."

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

 

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

 

How I linger

to admire, admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind, and maybe

 

also troubled------

roses in the wind,

the sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?

Edited by manymoretodays
corrected link

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • 2 years later...

Hey everybody,

 

I've personally found poetry and metaphor to be an incredibly helpful ally in understanding and digesting the struggles of tapering. It has helped me transform things that seemed like they would haunt my life forever into something that I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced and transformed.

 

I'll start by sharing a few poems, and I would love it if you would share poems or metaphor that has helped you through these challenging times :)

 

Quote

Those who will not slip beneath

the still surface on the well of grief,

turning down through its black water

to the place we cannot breathe,

we will never know the source from which we drink,

the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering,

the small round coins, 

thrown by those who wished for

something else.

- David Whyte, The Well of Grief

 

 

Quote

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Bark

 

 

 

 

Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator

Oh me too NobodySpecial, as far as finding the use of poetry and metaphor incredibly healing.  And the transformation you mention as well.........I so agree.

 

And love, love, love Rumi, most especially "The Guest House".  There are some great ones in the Coleman Bark translation.  I may take a look today at my copy.

 

Do you write some poems or free form at all?  I find that very helpful as well.  And........drumroll...........we have a topic with some poetry written by members through the years. 

Also.......good, good.......on you starting this topic as I believe I posted some poetry by a published author in that thread.  I will try to move that poem here.  If I don't perfect the...... moving it quickly.......you may enjoy just reading the poem I posted there as well, it's on grief.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

 

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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Hey @manymoretodays,

 

Send me a link, maybe I'll become a quick fan of your work and share it here :)

Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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  • Moderator

Oh hey, I often just do it on paper.......the writing and more free from.  There are some other poems written by members that may speak to you though.  The other poetry section(stuff written by members, other than the one I mentioned) that we have going is here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/8697-poems/

 

 

Go ahead and give it a whirl........I think you'd enjoy doing some of your own.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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The danger has passed, The wrong's have been righted;

The Veteran’s are ignored, The soldier slighted.

 

We live in dismay, with our future's uncertain,

But to the VA, we feel like a burden.

 

Physically unable, mentally unstable,

We search for help, the doctor's not able.

 

We seek the help we might expect,

Just to be treated without respect.

 

We do our best to keep our anger in check, to control our rage.

If they knew what we're capable of, maybe their attitudes would change.

 

To these people, we may not be societies pillars,

what they need to keep in mind, I am a trained killer.

   

A warrior takes his own life, the only way to deal with the pain,

Doctors go to work the next day, without shame, without blame.

 

An American hero died, another veteran suicide, just a statistic,

Sometimes I wish, he'd have first went ballistic.

 

Taking out those that treated him bad, that got him started on these pills,

He knew he could take no more, this was it, the end gives him chills,

 

So he hangs from a rope, or a bullet through his brain,

He should have first made those people feel HIS life of pain.

 

The veteran is gone, the doctors live on, but I hope they learn to see,

Because the next crazy one they piss off just might be ME.

 

Trained to kill at an early age, we are without feeling, without remorse,

Silent, deadly, seek them out, give them no recourse.

 

But nothing would change, VA puts another one in their place,

Another moron handing out pills, as a doctor, a total disgrace.

 

It leaves those of us that are still here, living, fighting with all our will,

To keep seeking an answer, it only comes in the form of another pill…

 

We try the pills, because a prescription pad is the VA doctors only skill,

But when we try to sleep, we don't sleep, we just remember………...… still.

 

                                                                         Author unknown  (2018)

Edited by manymoretodays
boxed empasis disturbing

12 years on Lexapro started at 10mg and went to 20mg after 2 years. This was the beginning of treatment for PTSD, ANXIETY ATTACKS AND MAJOR DEPRESSION DISORDER.

After Lexapro, these are the cocktails of the next 4 years, in order, but length of use could be off a little. But the last 3-5 months were the worst.

There were so many combinations that they overlapped each other at times, mixing them together, which made the side effects even worse.

When I could no longer handle the side effects of any given drug, the V.A. would discontinue it and just replace it with something else. It's all just a blur now.....

Gabapentin 300mg with Escitalopram 20mg for about three years. During this time, they tried adding Hydroxyzine 50mg, Trazadone 50mg, and Bupropion 150mg at different times. Side effects usually were fatigue, nausea, dry mouth, anxiety, throbbing headaches, morning "hangovers" and worsening of depression

From August 2017 to October 2017, Gabapentin 400mg, Escitalopram 10mg, PLUS Citalaopram 40mg  and Proprananol 10mg was ADDED to the mix.

My blood pressure had dropped dangerously low, heart rate one night dropped to 33 BPM. During this time, I had become a zombie. Sometimes not even able to hold my head up without wanting to pass out. Standing and walking became dangerous because of dizziness. So Gabapentin,  Escitalopram and Proprananol were TAKEN OUT of the mix.

Next cocktail: Citalopram 40mg with Prazosin 2mg, Mirtazapine 15mg and Bupropion 150mg. The Mitazapine caused the worst "hangover" yet and I quit taking it. But  I continued everything else until I saw yet ANOTHER new psychiatrist. The new concoction was the last straw. Sertraline 100mg, Bupropion 150mg and Prazosin 1mg. I took this 1/4/18 to 2/7/18 and quit Cold Turkey. I am now paying for that bad decision with Discontinuation Syndrome and feel worse than I ever thought possible. 

 

 

 

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Thanks for the link @manymoretodays,

 

I'll give it a shot :)

 

I do write essays / short letters, I guess that's similar to poetry? I write each day, and have a backlog of probably 2 - 300 + now!

Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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  • 2 years later...
  • Moderator

   From arbor.  This was very nice.  And let's add to these poetry threads, for inspiration, understanding, expression, and comfort!  Thanks arbor!

On 10/12/2020 at 11:40 AM, arbor said:

After hearing that Louise Gluck had won the Nobel Prize for Literature, I found this poem about recovery on the BBC

 

Do you know what I was, how I lived?  You know
what despair is; then
winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,
earth suppressing me. I didn't expect
to waken again, to feel
in damp earth my body
able to respond again, remembering
after so long how to open again
in the cold light
of earliest spring--

afraid, yes, but among you again
crying yes risk joy

in the raw wind of the new world.
 
End
 
I look forward to us all reclaiming our health again....

 

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • 11 months later...
  • Moderator

OMG, can't believe I found this place - was just about to create a thread on poetry. This one spoke to me over the summer - in fact it sustained me for months. It reminds me of all the time we are spending in limbo while healing (or that's how I feel often). 

 

Rising, Jean Binta Breeze having some summers gone dug out that old tree stump that darkened my garden having waited without planting (for it was impossible then to choose the growth) having lost the dream but not the art of healing having released the roots of pain into content I now stir the skies

Edited by Onmyway

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

If you would like to get a response from me directly please type @Onmyway some place in your message so I get notified of your post. I am not able to follow all of the threads all the time.

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, 

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 10/6/2015 at 12:03 PM, manymoretodays said:

Heavy

 

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying

 

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Sure God

had His hand in this,

 

as well as friends.

Still, I was bent,

and my laughter,

as the poet said,

 

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel

(brave even among lions),

"It's not the weight you carry

 

but how you carry it-----

books, bricks, grief-----

it's all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

 

when you cannot, and would not,

put it down."

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

 

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

 

How I linger

to admire, admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind, and maybe

 

also troubled------

roses in the wind,

the sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?

Beautiful. Love Mary Oliver. Her words are so grounding, healing.

3/27/2020 12.5-25mg of Trazodone

6/28/2021 Cold Turkey Trazodone 

7/21-9/21  - Trazodone 25mg PRN

9/25/2021 Magnesium glycinate 200mg

10/21 -12/1/2021- Magnesium glycinate 250mg - worked briefly

11/24/2021 - 18mg Trazodone - planning taper

12/1/2021 - 7.7mg Trazodone - less side effects

1/17/2022-2/3/2022 Mag Malate 200mg - could not sense an effect

2/4/2022- 2/8/2022 Mag Carbonate 1/2 teaspoon - chill affect - constipation and stomach cramps

 

Current medications: 7.7MG Trazodone, Atomoxetine 10mg 2009 - present, Dexilant 0mg (yay!)

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I'm not very well-versed (ha) in poetry, but I really love this one by Wendy Cope, all about appreciating the small things:

 

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist.

 

Wendy Cope, The Orange
 

Exact dates/dosage to come - currently waiting to get access to my full medical history

2017 Sertraline / Zoloft 50mg

2017-2021 Paroxetine / Paxil ?mg

April? 2021 Switched back to Sertraline / Zoloft 50mg with terrible taper advice from GP (skipping doses), awful WD

July? 2021 Sertraline / Zoloft increased to 100mg because of intense intrusive thoughts

Looking to start tapering before the end of 2021

***

Currently also taking:

Antispasmodics (for IBS)

Probiotics

Vitamin D3 (2000IU)

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  • 5 months later...

So happy and thankful to find this thread <3

 

I would like to share a poem by Gregory Orr. It speaks to me of loss, acceptance, and healing. I find myself returning to it again and again. 

 

Untitled (This is what was bequeathed us)

 

This is what was bequeathed us:

This earth the beloved left

And, leaving,

Left to us.

 

No other world

But this one:

Willows and the river

And the factory

With its black smokestacks.

 

No other shore, only this bank

On which the living gather.

 

No meaning but what we find here.

No purpose but what we make.

 

That, and the beloved’s clear instructions:

Turn me into song; sing me awake. 

 

 

- Gregory Orr

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Here is another favorite. Perhaps it could be encouraging as a kind of recovery rallying cry. 

 

*

 

won’t you celebrate with me 

BY LUCILLE CLIFTON

 

won't you celebrate with me

what i have shaped into

a kind of life? i had no model.

born in babylon

both nonwhite and woman

what did i see to be except myself?

i made it up

here on this bridge between

starshine and clay,

my one hand holding tight

my other hand; come celebrate

with me that everyday

something has tried to kill me

and has failed.

 

*

 

Copied from  https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50974/wont-you-celebrate-with-me  where one can also listen to an audio recording of poet Lucille Clifton's reading. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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MATINS by Louise Gluck 

 

You want to know how I spend my time?
I walk the front lawn, pretending
to be weeding. You ought to know
I'm never weeding, on my knees, pulling
clumps of clover from the flower beds: in fact
I'm looking for courage, for some evidence
my life will change, though
it takes forever, checking
each clump for the symbolic
leaf, and soon the summer is ending, already
the leaves turning, always the sick trees
going first, the dying turning
brilliant yellow, while a few dark birds perform
their curfew of music. You want to see my hands?
As empty now as at the first note.
Or was the point always
to continue without a sign?

 

 

These lines really speak to me: 

'I'm looking for courage, for some evidence

my life will change...

or was the point always

to continue without a sign?'

September 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a placebo dose; thought withdrawals would pass in a few weeks. 

November 2021 - January 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as my body reacted adversely to re-introduction of SSRIs. this was a very awful period, was still trying to go to work and uni, eventually had to move back in with family and give all that up. the worst I have ever felt in my life was during this period.

January 14th 2022: 0mg SSRI

Currently: 10mg amitriptyline, magnesium glycinate, omega 3s, vitamins C, D, B12, B6, occasional melatonin + L-theanine

At the end of my suffering, there was a door (Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris)

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@eileen1111

Thank you! Love it. Excellent choice xx

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Ariel I was also thinking of posting this poem by Anne Sexton for the line 'Your courage was a small coal / that you kept swallowing' ❤️ 

September 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a placebo dose; thought withdrawals would pass in a few weeks. 

November 2021 - January 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as my body reacted adversely to re-introduction of SSRIs. this was a very awful period, was still trying to go to work and uni, eventually had to move back in with family and give all that up. the worst I have ever felt in my life was during this period.

January 14th 2022: 0mg SSRI

Currently: 10mg amitriptyline, magnesium glycinate, omega 3s, vitamins C, D, B12, B6, occasional melatonin + L-theanine

At the end of my suffering, there was a door (Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris)

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@eileen1111

Ah... Beautiful. 

 

" ...

if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed. 

... "

 

Post it!

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@eileen1111

Btw, speaking of Anne Sexton... I grew up adoring the confessional poets and mourning/glamorizing their deaths. Ever since I've had my eyes opened (and my heart ripped out and my brain trampled) to the reality of psychopharmacological harm, I can't help but wonder how many artists' suicides can be traced to iatrogenic damage. Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath, just to name a few prominent examples, had both undergone commitment to mental hospitals and psychiatric drug treatment. When I was younger I viewed their stories as part of this whole quasi-romantic narrative of brilliance burning too bright for this world, yada yada yada supernova goes boom. Surviving adolescence largely disabused me of such tedious idea(liza)tion, though our culture loves to perpetuate objectification of the tortured genius. (We are obsessed with some version of the alleged averred inevitable suffering and spectacular unraveling of an extraordinarily creative mind. The neurodivergent/neuroatypical are too often other-ed/dehumanized/outcast/undermined -- implicitly or overtly -- be it via exploitation/commodification or bogus psychiatric diagnosis or social alienation/marginalization or all of the above. Society just doesn't really know what to do with such outliers -- especially if they are not for sale -- while simultaneously being convinced that if nothing can be done with them, something must be done about them. But I digress.) Today all I can think about is whether they were in withdrawal or otherwise under the destructive influence of adverse/side effects of prescription medication! 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

@Ariel I think about this as well - the romanticisation of the 'tortured artist genius poet' figure downplays the potential role of psychiatric 'treatments' which most likely worsened their conditions aka the 'tortured' part is inflicted on them by the pathologisation of neurodivergence..... but perhaps this isn't the thread to discuss it in haha

September 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a placebo dose; thought withdrawals would pass in a few weeks. 

November 2021 - January 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as my body reacted adversely to re-introduction of SSRIs. this was a very awful period, was still trying to go to work and uni, eventually had to move back in with family and give all that up. the worst I have ever felt in my life was during this period.

January 14th 2022: 0mg SSRI

Currently: 10mg amitriptyline, magnesium glycinate, omega 3s, vitamins C, D, B12, B6, occasional melatonin + L-theanine

At the end of my suffering, there was a door (Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris)

Link to comment
Posted (edited)

Kindness

 

Naomi Shihab Nye - 1952-

 

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

 

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

 

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

 

From Words Under the Words: Selected Poems. Copyright © 1995 by Naomi Shihab Nye. Reprinted with the permission of the author.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
Resized font

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

@arbor

 

 

Praise the Rain

BY JOY HARJO

 

Praise the rain; the seagull dive

The curl of plant, the raven talk—

Praise the hurt, the house slack

The stand of trees, the dignity—

Praise the dark, the moon cradle

The sky fall, the bear sleep—

Praise the mist, the warrior name

The earth eclipse, the fired leap—

Praise the backwards, upward sky

The baby cry, the spirit food—

Praise canoe, the fish rush

The hole for frog, the upside-down—

Praise the day, the cloud cup

The mind flat, forget it all—

 

Praise crazy. Praise sad.

Praise the path on which we're led.

Praise the roads on earth and water.

Praise the eater and the eaten.

Praise beginnings; praise the end.

Praise the song and praise the singer.

 

Praise the rain; it brings more rain.

Praise the rain; it brings more rain.

 

 

Joy Harjo, "Praise the Rain" from Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings.  Copyright © 2015 by Joy Harjo.

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

 

The Empty Glass

BY LOUISE GLÜCK

 

I asked for much; I received much.

I asked for much; I received little, I received

next to nothing.

 

And between? A few umbrellas opened indoors.

A pair of shoes by mistake on the kitchen table.

 

O wrong, wrong—it was my nature. I was

hard-hearted, remote. I was

selfish, rigid to the point of tyranny.

 

But I was always that person, even in early childhood.

Small, dark-haired, dreaded by the other children.

I never changed. Inside the glass, the abstract

tide of fortune turned

from high to low overnight.

 

Was it the sea? Responding, maybe,

to celestial force? To be safe,

I prayed. I tried to be a better person.

Soon it seemed to me that what began as terror

and matured into moral narcissism

might have become in fact

actual human growth. Maybe

this is what my friends meant, taking my hand,

telling me they understood

the abuse, the incredible **** I accepted,

implying (so I once thought) I was a little sick

to give so much for so little.

Whereas they meant I was good (clasping my hand intensely)—

a good friend and person, not a creature of pathos.

 

I was not pathetic! I was writ large,

like a queen or a saint.

 

Well, it all makes for interesting conjecture.

And it occurs to me that what is crucial is to believe

in effort, to believe some good will come of simply trying,

a good completely untainted by the corrupt initiating impulse

to persuade or seduce—

 

What are we without this?

Whirling in the dark universe,

alone, afraid, unable to influence fate—

 

What do we have really?

Sad tricks with ladders and shoes,

tricks with salt, impurely motivated recurring

attempts to build character.

What do we have to appease the great forces?

 

And I think in the end this was the question

that destroyed Agamemnon, there on the beach,

the Greek ships at the ready, the sea

invisible beyond the serene harbor, the future

lethal, unstable: he was a fool, thinking

it could be controlled. He should have said

I have nothing, I am at your mercy.

 

 

“The Empty Glass” from The Seven Ages by Louise Glück.  Copyright © 2001 by Louise Glück.  

 

 

Edited by Ariel

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Be Quick 

 

I've no companion

bar a shadow

pointing backwards.

 

Dear life, don't ghost me yet!
Find me a home

through stumbling rain.

 

(by Denise Riley)

 

 

September 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a placebo dose; thought withdrawals would pass in a few weeks. 

November 2021 - January 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as my body reacted adversely to re-introduction of SSRIs. this was a very awful period, was still trying to go to work and uni, eventually had to move back in with family and give all that up. the worst I have ever felt in my life was during this period.

January 14th 2022: 0mg SSRI

Currently: 10mg amitriptyline, magnesium glycinate, omega 3s, vitamins C, D, B12, B6, occasional melatonin + L-theanine

At the end of my suffering, there was a door (Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris)

Link to comment

Revolutionary letter #1

 

I have just realized that the stakes are myself
I have no other
ransom money, nothing to break or barter but my life
my spirit measured out, in bits, spread over
the roulette table, I recoup what I can
nothing else to shove under the nose of the maitre de jeu
nothing to thrust out the window, no white flag
this flesh all I have to offer, to make the play with
this immediate head, what it comes up with, my move
as we slither over this go board, stepping always
(we hope) between the lines

 

(by Diane di Prima)

September 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a placebo dose; thought withdrawals would pass in a few weeks. 

November 2021 - January 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as my body reacted adversely to re-introduction of SSRIs. this was a very awful period, was still trying to go to work and uni, eventually had to move back in with family and give all that up. the worst I have ever felt in my life was during this period.

January 14th 2022: 0mg SSRI

Currently: 10mg amitriptyline, magnesium glycinate, omega 3s, vitamins C, D, B12, B6, occasional melatonin + L-theanine

At the end of my suffering, there was a door (Louise Gluck, The Wild Iris)

Link to comment

This Is the Time to Be Slow

 

This is the time to be slow,

Lie low to the wall

Until the bitter weather passes.

 

Try, as best you can, not to let

The wire brush of doubt 

Scrape from your heart 

All sense of yourself 

And your hesitant light.

 

If you remain generous,

Time will come good; 

And you will find your feet

Again on fresh pastures of promise,

Where the air will be kind 

And blushed with beginning. 

 

John O’Donohue

 

Edited by ChessieCat
edited as per member's request

Sep 2011 - March 2012 citalopram 50mg

March 2012 - Apr 2012 tapered 50mg citalopram down too fast 

Sep 2013 - Oct 2016 citalopram 30mg 
Oct 2016 - Jan 2017 tapered citalopram 30mg down too fast

Reinstated citalopram 30mg in April 2017

Added mirtazapine 15mg in June 2017  

Jan 2021 - July 2021 tapered citalopram 30mg down too fast

July 2021 - Nov 2021 tapered mirtazapine 15mg down too fast 

Reinstated mirtazapine 15mg in Dec 2021 + Reinstated citalopram 10mg in Feb 2022

FOUND SURVIVING ANTIDEPRESSANTS 

Waiting to stabilise and will then attempt tapering with 2.5% reductions

 

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Trust the Author

 

I dropped a glass the other day. It slipped right out of my hand, hit the wood floor, and shattered. As I bent down to pick up the broken pieces, I knelt amongst the fractured remains of the glass and I became overwhelmed. I leaned against a nearby cabinet and many suppressed emotions found their escape through my tears.

I have been living through a season of shattering. My life, once so reliable, secure, and predictable, was broken into pieces. All that I once knew so well, I no longer recognized. Like a gardener in autumn, God has cut back things in my life that overgrew their space, became dormant, or no longer produced healthy growth.

He was breaking me down, and it was painful.

Unlike the glass, however, God did not scoop up the pieces and throw me away. No! He took the pieces and he lovingly began to fasten them back together again. I am not who I was before and I am not yet fully mended, but I know he is working and rebuilding me. Piece-by-piece he is collecting me and not abandoning me.

My life may not look like I thought it would, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t working. It doesn’t mean God isn’t good.

If you are living in a “shattering” season, just know your story isn’t over. I know you see the scattered remains on the floor and wonder how you will ever be made whole again—this is where we must trust God’s timing and God’s way.

It is tempting to want to fix everything yourself, but I beg you to resist. His plan is ALWAYS better than ours. A book is never written in one version. It must be edited, re-edited, and edited again.; rewrite after rewrite until it is finished, until it is as good as it can be.

Let the Author and the Finisher of our faith continue to write your story. Let the Creator keep creating. Let the Potter keep molding. Let the Artist keep drawing. It may look broken to you, but God sees endless possibilities; clay ready to be shaped and molded, a blank canvas for his masterpiece, and an empty page for him to compose your story.

 

You will be whole again.

Chlo❤

•Celexa 40mg 1999-2021•COVID August 2021•Celexa stopped working•Zoloft 100mg Sept21'-Oct21'•Zoloft did not work •Lexapro10mg Oct21'-Nov21'

•Lexapro did not work

•Lexapro 5mg Nov21'-1/17/22 switched to Lexapro liquid form 5mg-1/18/22•4.75mg 1/19 •4.5mg 1/25•4.25mg 2/1•4.0mg 2/8

•3.75mg 3/28•3.5mg 5/23

•3.25mg 5/30•3.0mg 6/19

•2.75mg 6/26•2.5mg 7/10•2.45mg 7/18•2.40mg 7/25• 2.35mg 8/1-current

•Mirtazapine 15mg @ night Nov 2021-current•Omeprazol 40mg am 2017-2/6/22•Omeprazol 30mg am 2/13•20mg am 2/14/22-current •Atorvastatin 20mg pm

•Magnesium Glycinate 400mg

•C•Omega3•D3•Probiotic 

•Treatment resistant for Anxiety, Panic disorder, & Depression.

I don't know much, but 3 things I do. There is a God. His word is true. Stay close to Him and He will bring you through. Amen🙏

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