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manymoretodays

Meaning through poetry (favorites, published)

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manymoretodays

Link to poems written by members:  member's original poetry

 

 

I just had to share this one by Mary Oliver on grief:  From her book entitled:Thirst.

 

Heavy

 

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying

 

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Sure God

had His hand in this,

 

as well as friends.

Still, I was bent,

and my laughter,

as the poet said,

 

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel

(brave even among lions),

"It's not the weight you carry

 

but how you carry it-----

books, bricks, grief-----

it's all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

 

when you cannot, and would not,

put it down."

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

 

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

 

How I linger

to admire, admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind, and maybe

 

also troubled------

roses in the wind,

the sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?

Edited by manymoretodays
corrected link

Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic  2016 December 9- completely off all medications!!!!!

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= 1800 mg/day. Magnesium complex, orally, diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C, D3, and E.  B12, melatonin tapered to 1mg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=400 mcg plus daily spinach. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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NobodySpecial

Hey everybody,

 

I've personally found poetry and metaphor to be an incredibly helpful ally in understanding and digesting the struggles of tapering. It has helped me transform things that seemed like they would haunt my life forever into something that I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced and transformed.

 

I'll start by sharing a few poems, and I would love it if you would share poems or metaphor that has helped you through these challenging times :)

 

Quote

Those who will not slip beneath

the still surface on the well of grief,

turning down through its black water

to the place we cannot breathe,

we will never know the source from which we drink,

the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering,

the small round coins, 

thrown by those who wished for

something else.

- David Whyte, The Well of Grief

 

 

Quote

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Bark

 

 

 

 


Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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manymoretodays

Oh me too NobodySpecial, as far as finding the use of poetry and metaphor incredibly healing.  And the transformation you mention as well.........I so agree.

 

And love, love, love Rumi, most especially "The Guest House".  There are some great ones in the Coleman Bark translation.  I may take a look today at my copy.

 

Do you write some poems or free form at all?  I find that very helpful as well.  And........drumroll...........we have a topic with some poetry written by members through the years. 

Also.......good, good.......on you starting this topic as I believe I posted some poetry by a published author in that thread.  I will try to move that poem here.  If I don't perfect the...... moving it quickly.......you may enjoy just reading the poem I posted there as well, it's on grief.

 

Best, Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

 


Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic  2016 December 9- completely off all medications!!!!!

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= 1800 mg/day. Magnesium complex, orally, diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C, D3, and E.  B12, melatonin tapered to 1mg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=400 mcg plus daily spinach. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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NobodySpecial

Hey @manymoretodays,

 

Send me a link, maybe I'll become a quick fan of your work and share it here :)


Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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manymoretodays

Oh hey, I often just do it on paper.......the writing and more free from.  There are some other poems written by members that may speak to you though.  The other poetry section(stuff written by members, other than the one I mentioned) that we have going is here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/8697-poems/

 

 

Go ahead and give it a whirl........I think you'd enjoy doing some of your own.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt


Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic  2016 December 9- completely off all medications!!!!!

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= 1800 mg/day. Magnesium complex, orally, diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C, D3, and E.  B12, melatonin tapered to 1mg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=400 mcg plus daily spinach. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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MadMike

The danger has passed, The wrong's have been righted;

The Veteran’s are ignored, The soldier slighted.

 

We live in dismay, with our future's uncertain,

But to the VA, we feel like a burden.

 

Physically unable, mentally unstable,

We search for help, the doctor's not able.

 

We seek the help we might expect,

Just to be treated without respect.

 

We do our best to keep our anger in check, to control our rage.

If they knew what we're capable of, maybe their attitudes would change.

 

To these people, we may not be societies pillars,

what they need to keep in mind, I am a trained killer.

   

A warrior takes his own life, the only way to deal with the pain,

Doctors go to work the next day, without shame, without blame.

 

An American hero died, another veteran suicide, just a statistic,

Sometimes I wish, he'd have first went ballistic.

 

Taking out those that treated him bad, that got him started on these pills,

He knew he could take no more, this was it, the end gives him chills,

 

So he hangs from a rope, or a bullet through his brain,

He should have first made those people feel HIS life of pain.

 

The veteran is gone, the doctors live on, but I hope they learn to see,

Because the next crazy one they piss off just might be ME.

 

Trained to kill at an early age, we are without feeling, without remorse,

Silent, deadly, seek them out, give them no recourse.

 

But nothing would change, VA puts another one in their place,

Another moron handing out pills, as a doctor, a total disgrace.

 

It leaves those of us that are still here, living, fighting with all our will,

To keep seeking an answer, it only comes in the form of another pill…

 

We try the pills, because a prescription pad is the VA doctors only skill,

But when we try to sleep, we don't sleep, we just remember………...… still.

 

                                                                         Author unknown  (2018)

Edited by manymoretodays
boxed empasis disturbing

12 years on Lexapro started at 10mg and went to 20mg after 2 years. This was the beginning of treatment for PTSD, ANXIETY ATTACKS AND MAJOR DEPRESSION DISORDER.

After Lexapro, these are the cocktails of the next 4 years, in order, but length of use could be off a little. But the last 3-5 months were the worst.

There were so many combinations that they overlapped each other at times, mixing them together, which made the side effects even worse.

When I could no longer handle the side effects of any given drug, the V.A. would discontinue it and just replace it with something else. It's all just a blur now.....

Gabapentin 300mg with Escitalopram 20mg for about three years. During this time, they tried adding Hydroxyzine 50mg, Trazadone 50mg, and Bupropion 150mg at different times. Side effects usually were fatigue, nausea, dry mouth, anxiety, throbbing headaches, morning "hangovers" and worsening of depression

From August 2017 to October 2017, Gabapentin 400mg, Escitalopram 10mg, PLUS Citalaopram 40mg  and Proprananol 10mg was ADDED to the mix.

My blood pressure had dropped dangerously low, heart rate one night dropped to 33 BPM. During this time, I had become a zombie. Sometimes not even able to hold my head up without wanting to pass out. Standing and walking became dangerous because of dizziness. So Gabapentin,  Escitalopram and Proprananol were TAKEN OUT of the mix.

Next cocktail: Citalopram 40mg with Prazosin 2mg, Mirtazapine 15mg and Bupropion 150mg. The Mitazapine caused the worst "hangover" yet and I quit taking it. But  I continued everything else until I saw yet ANOTHER new psychiatrist. The new concoction was the last straw. Sertraline 100mg, Bupropion 150mg and Prazosin 1mg. I took this 1/4/18 to 2/7/18 and quit Cold Turkey. I am now paying for that bad decision with Discontinuation Syndrome and feel worse than I ever thought possible. 

 

 

 

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NobodySpecial

Thanks for the link @manymoretodays,

 

I'll give it a shot :)

 

I do write essays / short letters, I guess that's similar to poetry? I write each day, and have a backlog of probably 2 - 300 + now!


Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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manymoretodays

   From arbor.  This was very nice.  And let's add to these poetry threads, for inspiration, understanding, expression, and comfort!  Thanks arbor!

On 10/12/2020 at 11:40 AM, arbor said:

After hearing that Louise Gluck had won the Nobel Prize for Literature, I found this poem about recovery on the BBC

 

Do you know what I was, how I lived?  You know
what despair is; then
winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,
earth suppressing me. I didn't expect
to waken again, to feel
in damp earth my body
able to respond again, remembering
after so long how to open again
in the cold light
of earliest spring--

afraid, yes, but among you again
crying yes risk joy

in the raw wind of the new world.
 
End
 
I look forward to us all reclaiming our health again....

 


Started with psycho meds circa 1988 I think 27 or 28 total.

AD's, antpsychotics, antiseizure mood stabilizers. Lithium, lamictal ,benzos, and stimulants. Some med. for narcolepsy once(Provigil,) Gabapentin........probably more.  Ask me?......I probably was on it.  Haphazard W/D's by Dr. recommend or uneducated self.

10/2014- off Lexapro--had been on highest dose 10 mg. then 5 mg. for a couple of years, went from 5 mg. to 3 mg. liquid and then CT in hospital(voluntary).  I got out of the hospital on a combination of low dose adderal salts x1/day and trileptal 150mg. x2/day.

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!

 

3/21/2016---I did some unwise updosing of trileptal/oxcarbazepine with some stressful stuff......doubled the above dose x2 during this last wave but began liquifying again and on approximately 68mg. starting today.  11/12//2016 24 mg. oxcarbazepine  12/9/2016 off oxcarbazepine/trileptal!!!! :) optimistic  2016 December 9- completely off all medications!!!!!

Omega3's,EPA +DHA= 1800 mg/day. Magnesium complex, orally, diluted in a liter of H2O(that I can shake up.....it usually dissolves more completely as the water gets down to room temperature) and/or Epsom salt baths prn.   Vit. C, D3, and E.  B12, melatonin tapered to 1mg., and bioidentical hormones sublingually.  Trace mineral drops.  L-lysine.  L-methylfolate=400 mcg plus daily spinach. Totally ready for a good long window to hit soon and getting better strings of full days and partial days along the way.  Definite improvement overall since I first arrived on the SA survivor ship.  Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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