Dabhob33: introduction

[powerback]

15 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

Thank you powerback

i appreciate your insights.  

Really like the idea of head phones in the morning.  You’re right.  I feel awful during the morning when the kids are screaming before school, etc.  

I can imagine the agony trying to get kids ready  ,there's so much confusion going on in the brain when we wake with going through this .

The first thing to do when your up is a pint of water ,dehydration is a nightmare ,it all adds up.i live with my partner and her mother and its a nightmare [sound women ] but we cant ask people to change there routine for us.if I could afford it I wouldn't live here.its  getting to be a joke .[I blame myself].

I also dunk my head in cold water for a while .

Keep practicing ways to ease your torment and we will get past it some day .

[AliG]

24 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

I am on the couch most days, with thoughts of suicide.   Not planning, but I never ever had before benzos and coming off ADs.  I listen to positive videos on YouTube all day.   When I doze off I awake in panic.

 

It's ok ~ I had them too. We all have ~  It's normal. Keep breathing. You just have to keep yourself alive. That's all that matters ...

[powerback]

34 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

Thank you Ali

My biggest symptoms have been anxiety (stomach and chest), worry, waking in panic  and rumination about tapering and things I haven’t been able to do since this started.  The burning has subsided a lot, but I’ve been isolating a lot and avoiding situations (aside from home life) where I get stressed out.  Although my homelife is big ball of stress.   

 

I am on the couch most days, with thoughts of suicide.   Not planning, but I never ever had before benzos and coming off ADs.  I listen to positive videos on YouTube all day.   When I doze off I awake in panic.  

 

D

Its probably better to avoid these situations when you can and manage your home stress as best you can .Sometimes isolation is a must .its nearly 3.30 pm here and ive only opened the curtains ,that's fine for today .

As A says SI is fairly common and your not alone in the pain of it ,today I will force myself out for a little walk and later I will make some food for a walk tomorrow because I see the sun will be out .when I'm cooking I'm distracted ,its great .

I'm worn out myself with positive videos ,sometimes it takes to much energy for me to listen so ile find a podcast of some kind.

 

[Dabhob33]

4/4/18

645 - woke - really agitated

Anxiety in stomach and chest

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops 

11 - took son to store to get soccer ball

12 - lunch / Lithium 450mg

1 - burning (ugh!) after coming back from store with son.   Feeling hopeless.  Very depressed.  

I feel worst in the morning and start to calm down into mid afternoon, but dread the next day.  Try not to ruminate.  

Anxiety in stomach and chest

5 - dinner - family went to outback.  I didn’t go. 

7 - car battery died - had to replace - very anxious

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/5/18 

5 - woke anxious and panicky, some burning and ruminating

 

[Dabhob33]

19 hours ago, AliG said:

 

It's ok ~ I had them too. We all have ~  It's normal. Keep breathing. You just have to keep yourself alive. That's all that matters ...

It’s unbearable.  The agitation is too much.  

[Dabhob33]

I’m dogged by the thought that I was on ADs for 28 yrs and I had a breakdown in Nov 2015 - before I even went on benzos - so I’ll be anxious, depressed after coming off the Valium.    It’s a constant wave of hopelessness as I sit through these symptoms - most troublesome right now are burning, depression, agitation/restlessness, fatigue and hopelessness.  And I want to be more engaged with my family, but then again I don’t.   But the guilt compounds as I pass on opportunities.  It’s warped.   I feel time is ticking on the “patience meter” on the home front.    I/they feel like I’m wallowing in this illness.     

 

[Dabhob33]

The sense of guilt is brutal.    My wife works from home so she sees me on the couch.  And I’m becoming more and more removed from outside activities (my own choice), hating to go out, but my interest in things is waning.   Even my favorite tv shows, sporting events, podcasts, etc   Losing interest.    I feel I’m creating new habits by staying home, detaching, etc.  

[Dabhob33]

Really in a comtemplative mood today.    It seems my thinking has become so negatively charged through this process.  It makes me wonder how it’s possible to ever get back to the positive.   Is it possible we protract withdrawals even further with our thinking?    I try so hard to remain positive, but always revert to the negative.    I see that negative rumination is a symptom.    Brutal.  

 

Good news:  I haven’t had to take doxylamine the last few days and have gotten 4-6 hours of sleep. Although a bit choppy.  

[Dabhob33]

4/5/18

5 - woke anxious and panicky, some burning and ruminating /325mg Tylenol 

Watched TV

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops 

Stomach and chest anxiety

Worried about taking Kids to practice later

12 - lunch / Lithium 450mg

Very agitated throughout the day / burning 

Things like TV shows and podcasts aren’t even keeping me calm.  I’m bored, but can’t focus on reading and positive activities.  Restless. 

5 - dinner / 10 drops

6 - son’s football practice

Verrrrrry restless sitting in my car.  

7 - went to a benzo support group.   Lots of horror stories.   Triggered me.  Even the success stories talking about how long it will take  and how painful and suicidal they felt.   I don’t think I’ll  be going back.  

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/6/18 

5 - woke feeling doomed.  Another day of dread. 

[Dabhob33]

4 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

4/5/18

5 - woke anxious and panicky, some burning and ruminating /325mg Tylenol 

Watched TV

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops 

Stomach and chest anxiety

Worried about taking Kids to practice later

12 - lunch / Lithium 450mg

Very agitated throughout the day / burning 

Things like TV shows and podcasts aren’t even keeping me calm.  I’m bored, but can’t focus on reading and positive activities.  Restless. 

5 - dinner / 10 drops

6 - son’s football practice

Verrrrrry restless sitting in my car.  

7 - went to a benzo support group.   Lots of horror stories.   Triggered me.  Even the success stories talking about how long it will take  and how painful and suicidal they felt.   I don’t think I’ll  be going back.  

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/6/18 

5 - woke feeling doomed.  Another day of dread. 

I feel like I’m getting worse.  My thinking, physical pain, hopelessness. Even suicidal.    I have all the literature and numbers.   But there’s nothing they can do for the burning.   If I go to the hospital they’ll just put me on more meds.   I’m in a corner.  Torture. 

[powerback]

44 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

I feel like I’m getting worse.  My thinking, physical pain, hopelessness. Even suicidal.    I have all the literature and numbers.   But there’s nothing they can do for the burning.   If I go to the hospital they’ll just put me on more meds.   I’m in a corner.  Torture. 

D I'm your twin ,my walk home from the dentist just now was filled with triggers , I felt like an alien that descended onto a different planet  .its a cruel joke .hope you can find some distraction.

[Dabhob33]

7 hours ago, powerback said:

D I'm your twin ,my walk home from the dentist just now was filled with triggers , I felt like an alien that descended onto a different planet  .its a cruel joke .hope you can find some distraction.

Apppreciate you listening P

 

hope you’re able to get some peace.  

[Dabhob33]

4/6/18

5 - woke feeling doomed.  Another day of dread.   

Can’t get thoughts of horror of benzo wd out of my head. 

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops 

Stomach and chest anxiety!!!!!

Burning big time

12 - lunch / Lithium 450mg

Feeling suicidal - very unemotional thinking about it.  Do I go to the hospital.   Have all the numbers and literature.  

Wife and in laws moved furniture around the house.   I sat on couch.   

2 - Tylenol - 325mg

5 - dinner 

6 - went to pick up daughter at my parents.   She was there for 3 days.  Nice break.   I went - good sign and felt pretty good. 

7 - didn’t go to weekly men’s group

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/7/18 

4 - woke feeling doomed. 

Up for day

[Dabhob33]

My body and head has been burning the whole day!   Anxiety in my chest.  Nothing has changed re medicine/supplements.  

[Dabhob33]

On 4/6/2018 at 12:53 PM, powerback said:

D I'm your twin ,my walk home from the dentist just now was filled with triggers , I felt like an alien that descended onto a different planet  .its a cruel joke .hope you can find some distraction.

Apppreciate you listening P

 

hope you’re able to get some peace.  

[Dabhob33]

4/7/18

4 - woke up for the day

Tried numerous times to drift off - wake in panic each time until 630

8 - eye drops / omega 3 / 5mg valium

9 - breakfast

12 - lunch - lithium 450mg

1 - Kids went swimming with my wife.  I stayed home.  

Felt depressed about pain of taper and wd

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/8/18 

215 - woke up burning.  Sliver of doxy

Didn’t fall back to sleep.  

430 - 325mg Tylenol

Up for day

 

[JanCarol]

On 4/3/2018 at 12:50 AM, Dabhob33 said:

I don’t feel I’m stabilizing at all.   Stay the course?  Up dose?

 

Hey D - 

 

You are less than a month from your last drop.

 

Let go of the "it will be forever" thoughts.  I know they are there - we all have them.  It's normal, but it's also a lie.

 

It will pass. But you have to give it time.

 

You're not due for a change until later in April.  You may have to hold again, because you adjusted the benzo within a month of dropping the lithium.

I'm glad to hear that you've made friends with Claire Weekes.  Just keep in mind that she was in the 70's!  She is no longer with us, and a few of her ideas (like take a benzo to smooth the edges) are a bit outdated.  But her core ideas are golden.

 

On 4/4/2018 at 9:53 PM, powerback said:

I have ear protection ear muffs for when I wake because any noise from others and I'm like a  crabby dog 

 

OH WOW @powerback.  I was looking at a fellow with autism riding on the train with a big set of noise cancelling headphones on.  I don't know if there was music playing for him or not - but - I've been so sensitive to sound, too.  Dogs barking, trains, traffic, helicopters, and I could get a cortisol spike.  The thing is, if I block those things out - I have to block out birdsong, and rain, and good sounds, too.

 

It's kind of like antidepressants - in order to numb the bad feelings, we have to numb the good ones, too.

 

So for now, I'm not using the ear muffs, but I've thought about it!  (a train just went by, I don't like it, but I'm okay.)

 

On 4/5/2018 at 7:49 PM, Dabhob33 said:

It’s unbearable.  The agitation is too much

 

Have you learned about akathisia?  Having a name for it, and knowing that it's a common side effect of antidepressant and benzo withdrawal - won't lessen the pain, but it might help you cope with it better.
Akathisia vs. Restlessness & Agitatation

 

also

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6217-burning-skin/

 

It will get better. These symptoms show that your body is trying to heal.  You may need to step aside and let it, instead of fighting the symptoms.

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you are going.  I'm sorry it's rough right now, please stay still, don't try a lot of stuff right now, take it as easy as is humanly possible.  (see my signature!)

Be gentle on yourself, even when it feels like nobody else is.

 

And keep writing.

 

I hope you see the sun today.

 

 

[Dabhob33]

19 minutes ago, JanCarol said:

 

Hey D - 

 

You are less than a month from your last drop.

 

Let go of the "it will be forever" thoughts.  I know they are there - we all have them.  It's normal, but it's also a lie.

 

It will pass. But you have to give it time.

 

You're not due for a change until later in April.  You may have to hold again, because you adjusted the benzo within a month of dropping the lithium.

I'm glad to hear that you've made friends with Claire Weekes.  Just keep in mind that she was in the 70's!  She is no longer with us, and a few of her ideas (like take a benzo to smooth the edges) are a bit outdated.  But her core ideas are golden.

 

 

OH WOW @powerback.  I was looking at a fellow with autism riding on the train with a big set of noise cancelling headphones on.  I don't know if there was music playing for him or not - but - I've been so sensitive to sound, too.  Dogs barking, trains, traffic, helicopters, and I could get a cortisol spike.  The thing is, if I block those things out - I have to block out birdsong, and rain, and good sounds, too.

 

It's kind of like antidepressants - in order to numb the bad feelings, we have to numb the good ones, too.

 

So for now, I'm not using the ear muffs, but I've thought about it!  (a train just went by, I don't like it, but I'm okay.)

 

 

Have you learned about akathisia?  Having a name for it, and knowing that it's a common side effect of antidepressant and benzo withdrawal - won't lessen the pain, but it might help you cope with it better.
Akathisia vs. Restlessness & Agitatation

 

also

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6217-burning-skin/

 

It will get better. These symptoms show that your body is trying to heal.  You may need to step aside and let it, instead of fighting the symptoms.

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you are going.  I'm sorry it's rough right now, please stay still, don't try a lot of stuff right now, take it as easy as is humanly possible.  (see my signature!)

Be gentle on yourself, even when it feels like nobody else is.

 

And keep writing.

 

I hope you see the sun today.

 

 

Hi JanCarol

thank you.  What do you mean by that I’m not due for a change until late April?

[Dabhob33]

4/9/18 

230 - woke up 

Listened to meditation 

6 - never went back to sleep since 230

8 - breakfast / 5 mg Valium / eye drops 

Lay on couch / panic / anxiety in chest

Cancelled psychiatrist appt

So uncomfortable in my skin

12 - lunch / 450mg Lithium

Burning skin and agitated 

230 - 325mg Tylenol 

Anxiety in chest

6 - dinner

8 - lithium 225mg

11 - sleep / 5.5mg valium  

4/9/18 

345 - woke up - burning - subsided after an hour

Up for rest of night

[BAT]

Hello.  

 

I was just wondering what do you take the Tylenol for?

[Dabhob33]

Hi BAT

i take for headache and burning sensations. 

[BAT]

1 hour ago, Dabhob33 said:

Hi BAT

i take for headache and burning sensations. 

 

Do you get headaches everyday?

Does the Tylenol help with them?

[Dabhob33]

I do get them daily.   Don’t always take.  Not sure if it helps or they would subside on own. Perhaps hoping it would help with burning.  

[Dabhob33]

I have a migraine.  Do I take a Tylenol?    I was questioned earlier for taking.  I’m so freaked out about taking things, the burning, the damage I’ve done to my brain.  I just pace around the house.  I don’t think it’s akathisia, but just ruminating mind.  

[BAT]

I have headaches all the time and I can't get myself to take anything.  These medicines have made me nervous about all medicines. I hope that changes really soon.  Have you tried anything else for your headaches like peppermint oil, ice? Just things I have seen people mention.  

 

Also curious, how does Tylenol help with the burning?

[Dabhob33]

The burning eventually subsides.  Has a lot to do with stress.  The smallest thingd set me off.  But I think it helps.  Do you get body burning?

[Dabhob33]

Feeling suicidal.   Burning skin sensation / agitation is too much.   Pain is agonizing.  

[bheb]

Hey dabhob. I have similar symptoms -- pacing, burning, agitation. I know how quickly they can drive you to dark places. Are you keeping yourself as distracted as possible?

[Dabhob33]

Hi bheb 

thank you

 

honestly, I’m not active at all. Couchbound. 

[bheb]

Does sitting longer make the agitation worse for you?

[Dabhob33]

Actually no 

[Dabhob33]

4/10/18 

345 - woke up burning - subsided after an hour 

6 - never went back to sleep since 345

8 - breakfast / 5 mg Valium / eye drops 

10 - Helped install window in daughter’s room - I was shaking from nerves.  Tight throat.  

11 - Lay on couch / panic / anxiety in chest

Have to take son to football practice at 6pm - dwelling on that - nervous

Still so uncomfortable/agitated 

Anxiety in chest

12 - lunch / 450mg Lithium

Burning skin and agitated 

5 - Tylenol 325mg

Suicidal thoughts

6 - dinner - son football practice - sat in car   

8 - lithium 225mg

11 - sleep / 5.5mg valium  

4/11/18 

1 - woke up - burning - pacing - out of my mind - woke up wife - suicidal - she ignored mex w / doxylamine 25mg and Tylenol 325mg 

Up for night 

 

[Dabhob33]

4/11/18 

1 - woke up - burning - pacing - out of my mind - woke up wife / doxylamine 25mg and Tylenol 325mg 

Up for night 

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops / breakfast 

Incredibly anxious

9 - left home to stay with my parents (30 minutes away). Wife not happy. 

12 - lithium 450mg

Burning / thinking of going to mental health facility 

Horrible day.   Wish I could say it’s getting better.    When is some peace coming?

Anxiety in chest and belly.  Burning. 

L******* talked to my parents

7 - dinner

8 - lithium 225mg

930 - 25mg doxylamine

10 - sleep / 5.5mg valium  

4/11/18 

5 - woke - choppy sleep

Edited April 30, 2018 by JanCarol
proper name removed for privacy

[powerback]

21 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

4/10/18 

345 - woke up burning - subsided after an hour 

6 - never went back to sleep since 345

8 - breakfast / 5 mg Valium / eye drops 

10 - Helped install window in daughter’s room - I was shaking from nerves.  Tight throat.  

11 - Lay on couch / panic / anxiety in chest

Have to take son to football practice at 6pm - dwelling on that - nervous

Still so uncomfortable/agitated 

Anxiety in chest

12 - lunch / 450mg Lithium

Burning skin and agitated 

5 - Tylenol 325mg

Suicidal thoughts

6 - dinner - son football practice - sat in car   

8 - lithium 225mg

11 - sleep / 5.5mg valium  

4/11/18 

1 - woke up - burning - pacing - out of my mind - woke up wife - suicidal - she ignored mex w / doxylamine 25mg and Tylenol 325mg 

Up for night 

 

Hi D ,you might need to start looking at this Tylenol your taking ,it can go paradoxical on you and create more problems than it solves ,I get it I really do ,it mite be working as a placebo effect rather than actually helping .By no means a judgement ,just playing devils advocate .   

I've had bad suicidal thoughts myself .kudos for even driving to the football practice .

Take care .

[Dabhob33]

A couple things:

 

- I notice I get more anxious an hour after I take each 5mg dose of valium.   

 

- i received a scathing text from my mother in law stating how I need to be a better father and husband.  Illness has taken too much of my attention.   Am I being too soft?  Should I be pushing more? Life is on hold right now.   My wife is taking on a ton and I feel really bad about it.  The guilt is brutal, as is the pain of the wd.  

 

I want off the valium! I’m not stabilizing at all.  

 

 

[powerback]

21 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

A couple things:

 

- I notice I get more anxious an hour after I take each 5mg dose of valium.   

 

- i received a scathing text from my mother in law stating how I need to be a better father and husband.  Illness has taken too much of my attention.   Am I being too soft?  Should I be pushing more? Life is on hold right now.   My wife is taking on a ton and I feel really bad about it.  The guilt is brutal, as is the pain of the wd.  

 

I want off the valium! I’m not stabilizing at all.  

 

 

You don't need that D ,this is the problem of withdrawal ,society feel it necessary to make the situation more stressful, maybe she could help rather than judge .

What we go through will show how thinly vailed peoples sympathy and understanding is .An aunt of my partner looked straight trough me the other day.it cut through me like a knife  ,she's a snob and its starting to get out because its gone on so long for me .I cant snap and make things worse .I know for a fact if I was in her company while she had alcohol on board she would let me know what she thinks of me .I will avoid this interaction at all cost .

Take care D