Nickie

[Nickie]

Bad bad bad. I am going through hell.

 

My symptoms are so bad especially in the morning. I was crying this morning with my husband in front of my two little ones, and I felt suicidal.

 

There is so much agitation there too. I yelled at my 14 month old yesterday because he had been crying for 45 minutes and nothing would console him. So he was lying on the floor tugging on my legs, as he does, crying, and everything I did to help him just made him cry more and so I yelled at him. I lost it and I don't like yelling at babies. I have no tolerance for stress right now.

 

I'm just so darn scared because I have unknowingly done so much damage to my system over the past number of years and what I am dealing with is almost unbearable and I have no idea how long this will take to clear up.

 

I can't go to the hospital because they'll pump me full of drugs.

I can't go back on meds because my system is sssoooooo messed up and I can't tolerate anything right now.

I feel like I'm barely hanging on here.

 

I can't do this for years.

Yet there is so much damage that I think it possibly will.

I'm trying to take it a day at a time but it's hard to do when I'm barely holding on.

 

Right now since I've been on meds for so long I have no idea who I am and how much of what I'm dealing with is me and how much is withdrawal. I hellishly obsess about this all day.

 

I'm hoping my next update will be better.

I wish there was somewhere I could go where I felt safe but I have two little ones to care for and a hospital would just pump me full of drugs that my body can't tolerate now. I feel trapped and scared and crazy.

[Karma]

Nickie,

 

Right now you just have to live one moment at a time. Don't worry about trying to live with feeling awful for years - you just have to live with it for this moment.

 

You are having neuro-emotions and you are experiencing a wave. It won't last - keep telling yourself that.

 

Regarding your children is it possible that you can get someone to help you? Maybe a neighbor or a relative who can watch them and give you a few hours break here and there? Just a thought. I know you love them and it takes patience to deal with them when they cannot be consoled. It is understandable that you don't have the patience to deal with fussy little ones. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

 

This won't last, but unfortunately the only way to get relief is to give it time.

 

Sending healing love and light to you,

Karma

[ajnjj]

Nickie,

 

About your eating, I really think you should try the juicing .... It will help to reboot your digestive systme especially if you can do it for a few weeks. You will get all the nutrients you need from the fruits and vegetables.

 

Also, I have read that the meditation helps with aggravation and rage. Have you tried that?

 

I am sure you have tried everything.... Just hoping for a better day for you.....

[Skyler]

There is so much agitation there too. I yelled at my 14 month old yesterday because he had been crying for 45 minutes and nothing would console him. So he was lying on the floor tugging on my legs, as he does, crying, and everything I did to help him just made him cry more and so I yelled at him. I lost it and I don't like yelling at babies. I have no tolerance for stress right now..

 

Hi Nickie... sorry to hear you are having such a horrendous time. I agree with Karma, you need respite help. Relatives or friends would be great, but if they cannot offer enough support, do you have funds to hire someone to come in for a few hours at a time.. daily would be great, but at least once a week? In the event you are not sure where to go to set this up, how is your local senior center for outreach? Another thought, if you trust enough, would be to contact a women's center.

 

You need to have time reserved for yourself. It would be easier to maintain your equanimity if you knew there was an island of peace, wherein you could have a break. ~S

[Nickie]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I wish I could contribute more to this site, but just can't right now. I can't use the computer due to intense photosensitivity (doing this on my phone) and I just can't find much other time.

 

I do have some help in the evenings as my husband works usually until 10pm 6 days a week and so we've had someone come in for a few hours four of those days. She is helping me get through this (although she doesnt know about it-I hide it as best I can).

 

Hoping for better days.

[Skyler]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I wish I could contribute more to this site, but just can't right now. I can't use the computer due to intense photosensitivity (doing this on my phone) and I just can't find much other time.

 

I do have some help in the evenings as my husband works usually until 10pm 6 days a week and so we've had someone come in for a few hours four of those days. She is helping me get through this (although she doesnt know about it-I hide it as best I can).

 

Hoping for better days.

 

Nickie.. have you considered getting a computer anti-glare screen? You can find listings for them online.

 

Very glad to hear you have some help, that' great. As for contributing.. it's narratives from people like you that have kept me from suffering to the same degree. So far I'm one of the more fortunate ones who found out in time, and so long as the Ps and Qs are minded will keep out of serious trouble. So far, pretty good. Thanks to you.

 

Be well, and hug a kid today.

[Nikki]

Nickie...I feel for you. When it is just us, it's still bad, but when responsible for our youngsters it's worse. That in itself brings on anxiety. I admire your courage and tenacity for coping this long. You are a strong woman. Glad that you have such a nice husband.

 

You are in the throes of WD. The longest I was able to tolerate WD was (2) years and then I opted to take a tricyclic. I had reached my breaking point. I did not have a life. I just had WD.

 

Like you, the line blurred when I asked myself was it all WD or was I just having my original symptoms ~ or ~ both. It was more WD. WD frightened me so much it brought on anxiety & depression even more. Vicious cycle.

 

When my daughter was a youngster, Paxil was removed from the shelves. I was taking Paxil CR (time release). It was a mess and I was becoming less & less able to function without crying all the time or having panic attacks.

 

My best friend said "you have a daughter to take care of (I was newly divorced), you need to call the doctor and have him prescribe something else so you can function. It was Lexapro. I regret the day I took Lexapro, but it seemed like the only viable solution then. It did work and I got back on my feet. It only worked for about year.

 

If I knew then, what I know now (famous last words) I would have opted for a tricyclic like Imipramine instead of another ssri. Getting off Imipramine, for me, was the easiest drug in terms of WD of the drugs I did take. There is WD, but it was nothing like an ssri WD.

 

I am not encouraging you to take more meds. I am sharing my personal experiences. And of course with drugs, it is always 'hindsight.'

 

Have you considered using a benzo - periodically to help you over the anxiety. They are highly

addictive and can actually exacerbate or cause a rebounding depression, so I don't know if it would truly help.

I have Xanax in my house. I rarely use it, but in an emergency it is there. I think I take an 1/8 of a mg. Again this is my story/situation.

 

When I read about people suffering like this it really hits home. Been there and feel for you.

 

Hugs and hope you come out of this quickly:) Keep posting, it helps...

[Altostrata]

Nickie, if you're sensitive to the computer light, you're probably sensitive to other light, too. Please try wearing sunglasses a lot of the time, even indoors at the computer.

[shebop]

It's likely because when you eat, your body releases hormones to aid appetite and digestion. This normal activity upsets a hypersensitive nervous system.

 

Not sure what to do -- try eating slowly? Eat only fresh foods, no additives, no preservatives, they can cause a reaction, too.

 

Avoiding additives and preservatives is really wonderful advice. I tried a diet caffeinated soda a couple weeks ago because I wanted to give myself a little "treat." I had cut out all artificial sweeteners and caffeine from my diet several months prior to this. I didn't even drink half a can but maybe 15 or so minutes later...BAM! The brain fog, inattentiveness, and anxiety shot through the roof! I couldn't believe how dramatic is was! It's been one of the few times that I've been able to definitely pinpoint the cause of a reaction.

[Nickie]

So things were bad, and then they got worse. Cognitively, emotionally, and physically.

 

My cognitive abilities are very very poor right now, I can't access much in the way of processed thought. I am experiencing some muscle pain that resembles flu-like symptoms. I don't have the energy right now to go into the emotional stuff, but the dp/dr got BAD lately and my agitation, and anxiety have been terrible, as has periods of awful Anhedonia. Thing is I feel like I'm losing track of my symptoms and what they are because I am so perpetually swamped with them and because I am forgetting what normal is/was.

 

I just lament when I see how quickly my little guys are growing, and I can't enjoy them the way I would like and it is such a precious time. I just keep thinking that I really don't want to be giving this precious time of my life and that of my little guys to this.

 

However, I know there are far worse things, and I am so grateful for what I have and the time I can spend with my family even if I'm not fully "here" with them, and I just try to let the symptoms roll off me and ignore them and eke out what joy I can out of each situation. But darn, sometimes it all just gets the better of me.

 

I know mine is a pretty serious case because of the repeated damage that was done, so I'm bracing myself and trying to pace myself that this will likely take some time.

 

Oh and I'm closing in on the end of eight months, I figured out that I will have been off all meds since Sept 21, 2011.

 

Over the last few days, I have had some times where I'm feeling a little more myself, usually in the afternoons. I'm hoping this is a good sign. I'm worried about another wave, though. Yikes this one has been horrendous. I'm staying strong though, and will just keep going until I'm better.

 

Cheers and best wishes to all of you.

[Altostrata]

Oh, so sorry it's so rocky for you.

 

Are your bad waves correlated with your cycle?

 

Have you tried Epsom salt baths? They contain magnesium, which is calming, and they're relaxing. You may have to start with a low amount to see how sensitive you are to it.

[Nikki]

Nickie when I was tapering Lexapro I had a terrible time with my intestnal track. Our digestsive track goes thru hell along with our poor brains/mind/emotions.

 

As soon as I ate, problems would begin. I considered it anxiety because that is what it felt like. Many times I would puke and I had to run to the bathroom (at my job).

 

I no longer eat Chinese Food, Mexican Food and a few other things because the thought of it takes me back to tapering and how ill I would become.

 

Keep your foods simple and bland. This will eventually pass.

 

When you feel depressed or anxious write to one of us or post to all of us. Drink plenty of water. Try the magnesium bath like Alto suggests to people. Drinkig the liquid form of Magnesium settled my stomach.

 

And the oldest rememdy for a nervous stomach is Baking Soda dissolved in room temp water. Sip it. It really settles the digestive track.

 

Hoping your feel better Nikki

[Nickie]

Hi all,

 

Thank you for your posts and encouragement.

 

Things seemed to improve a bit. The dp/dr and thick black fog confusion hell seems to have passed, thank heavens!!!!!!! I seem better able to handle my emotions a bit better too.

 

Unfortunately, yesterday I took a major turn for the worse. My dp/dr fog seems to have morphed into extreme anxiety which is mind blowingly awful at times. I'm also getting these hellish waves of hopelessness and despair that come and go in intensity. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and have had an absolutely unbelievably awful morning, and I just held onto my husband crying and begging him to help me.

 

Right now my anxiety and hopelessness revolve often around my extreme hypersensitivity, particularly with food. I have a crazy reaction to the mere ingestion of food, still, and I haven't yet found a food to which I do not react. It's not nausea, I wish it was. It's this agitated shaking heart pounding dizzy craziness every time I eat and it is very distressing. It seemed to be changing a little for a while, I could eat some sugar free cereal in the morning and it didn't seem as bad as before, but then yesterday is was bad again. I'm losing weight because I'm scared to eat... Unfortunately the chicken broth idea didn't work, I reacted to it, and I can't do juicing because the sugar in fruit sends my symptoms through the roof.

 

I'm hoping this latest dip is because of premenstrual stuff, hormonal changes wreak havoc on me these days.

 

When did people with extreme hypersensitivity start to notice some changes?

 

I'm at the start of my ninth month off now.

Hoping for improvement. If only I didn't have to eat.....

[tezza]

Nickie, bless your heart...all I know to say is I hope you improve soon, too. You, indeed, are a very strong woman. {{{Hugs}}}

 

Love,

Tezza

[Nickie]

Please help, I would appreciate any input.

 

Things took a bit of a positive turn for a few days about a month ago.

 

Then three weeks ago, my body literally went crazy. I woke up one morning in a state of panic unlike anything I've ever experienced. It wouldn't calm down, and the INTENSE feeling in my mind and body intensified.

 

I was being pumped with so many stress hormones that I literally went crazy. We went to the ER and I was going crazy, and became severely suicidal and was telling my husband that I wasn't going to make it.

 

They released me from the hospital that night. For days afterward, I was getting what I came to call 'surges' ,,,all through my body I was getting surges of what felt like burning cold electricity...this lasted for days, and my mind went crazy and I basically didn't sleep. I was suicidal, and honestly didn't think I was going to make it. My mom and husband would walk with me around the neighbourhood just to keep me going. I lost weight because tne stress was so severe and so insane, I basically didn't eat.

 

There's more to the story, but I can't write it all now. Thank God things have improved a bit, but I am now in a chronically anxious state, and I can hardly stand anything... movement, light, sound, etc. It seems to be improving bit by bit, but I am really struggling and terrified.

 

Why did my body wait 9 months to unleash this? Is this just the official beginning of my withdrawal experience? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I am SO scared, and I just keep thinking about the possibility of this being years and years. It is ssooo bad right now, and Im really scared.

 

help

[Nickie]

also, I am not able to really care for my kids right now... my mom and nanny have had to take over. I barely recognize my life.

[Barbarannamated]

Nickie,

 

That sounds awful. What did the ER do for you?

 

I'm so glad you had support with you.

 

You're the 2nd person to post today with a bad recurrence (Anniej also). It certainly sounds like it could be a bad wave that hit you hard, but others can better address that. I'm on the "other extreme" with crushing fatigue.

 

I hope you continue to stabilize.

 

Hugs.

Barb

[Nikki]

Nickie

 

So sorry that you are going thru this. I have not taken Wellbutrin. I have read many posts over time about people like us getting slammed at the nine month mark.

It's actually very common.

 

I can certainly understand all of your fears. You were terrified. When we have kids we tend to worry more. So glad your Mom, husband and a nanny are there to help you out.

 

Did they give you anything in the ER to counteract the anxiety. Some people refer to the adrenaline release as adrenaline dumps. It does feel like an electrical fire.

It can feed off of itself and bring on more dumps/bangs.

 

Believe me, you are not alone in having to go to the ER. WD will do that.

 

ASk your doctor about propanol for anxiety. It's safe. Magnesium powder which is mixed in ice tea of juice was helpful for me for anxiety.

 

Sending some prayers your way...

 

(((hugs)))

[Barbarannamated]

Thumbs up to propanolol. An oft-overlooked help for occasional anxiety. I used to think badly of it - "beta blocker blahs"- but I now believe it's far safer than the alternatives.

[GiaK]

propranolol has saved my butt many times, but it too should be used very carefully and judiciously...

 

on the benzo boards there are many people who've found themselves in withdrawal hell with propranolol...and for those of us that are hyper-sensitive it's a real risk...

 

I've never used it more than once a day in a sort of PRN fashion...I found that tolerance began almost immediately...so that I could take 10 mg the first day, but the second I would need 20 and so on...

 

so for me the max I use it is once every 24 hours and for no more than 4 days at a time...and it's sometimes run into some odd paradoxical stuff as well...

 

I still use it on occasion but am working on not needing it, I don't like to because it's clear it's messing with me...that said, the symptoms I treat are nasty and severe and using it is better than not...

 

it makes me nauseas and dizzy too.

 

sigh.

[Nikki]

Nickie...

 

Hydroxyzine is the element in antihistamines which stops anxiety. Non addictive.

It give me a hang over so I don't use it. My daughter can use it.

 

GiaK I didn't know about buildling a tolerance to it.

 

It really does work, by Nickie I use it periodcially. I was told to take it as needed. It can aid sleep.

 

I/we all know what how agonizing the chronic anxiety can be like.

 

Hang in there

[alexjuice]

Hang in there Nickie.

 

These phases for me have not lasted. I've been in the er 3 times in the last 2 yrs. I've had intense rush of fear, anxiety, uncertainty and the resulting hopelessness and exhaustion.

 

These periods have always passed. I've found that symptoms might remain but my feelings, or my neurological activity causing extreme feeling states, do not last.

 

I would bet anything that your current state will not last either. It is still real -- that which is happening in your body -- but you will find relief.

 

Hang in. Know it for what it is.

 

Alex

[Altostrata]

Nickie, it's been a long time. How are you doing?

[ChessieCat]

For anyone reading this topic, I have been tapering Pristiq using compounded capsules with slow release formula.

 

tips-for-tapering-off-pristiq-desvenlafaxine