EileenR: benzo lamictal gabapentin mess

[EileenR]

Hi. I'm very tired today so this is a hard push to make myself say hello and try to condense decades of hell into a few sentences that resemble a post not too long too read. Most of it will be voice texting. 

 

At first I thought this was about getting off benzos. That was 3 years ago. I had a psychotic event in public because I forgot to put my Ativan in my pill box for half the week.  4 cop cars handcuffs and a taser were involved... as I was on my way to the psychiatrist office bc I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me.. leaving another place totally unrelated to anything which was the place I went psycho in and actually they put themselves on lockdown because of me:-(

 

So  I go nuts when I figure out Wth has been happening to me for so many years. I chose to taper off my Remeron in 2 months and I switch from Ativan to too low Valium overnight (1.5 mg Ativan to 10 mg valium)  a little less than halfway through and because I held for so long I started trying to see why I wasn't stabilizing and Google some of the symptoms I was having. This brought Lamictal to the Forefront. I was on 400 mg and went down to 300 via a 6 month taper. 

 

I'm so tired today...ok so then I've been holding and trying to decide if I should finally restart my taper on the 6 mg of valium first or lower the Lamictal some more. A week ago I accidentally doubled only my Gabapentin.

By accident.

 

I was insanely graphically suicidal all day and borderline psychotic. Plenty of physical problems too. 

 

There was no disputing the kind of effect it had on me and since I have a lot of suicidal ideation especially since I was first put on Lamictal to begin with and that's why they smothered it with ativan...so when I felt a little bit better than next day I swallowed my sense of dread and Googled Gabapentin. I have been on this s*** for 15 years and I have had suicidal ideation...Ahem...a lot of that time and then they added Lamictal and then Ativan.

 

Although it was terrible day and a terrible experience and a short trip to Dante's seventh circle of hell the Silver Lining is I learned something, once again,  that's going to be pivotal in my recovery I just don't know how to apply it yet. That's where you guys come in

 

Okay my brain just fried out it's nap time. Honestly I was a nurse and I'm just like some of the brain injured people I took care of and I'm really sorry for this s*** introduction. 

 

I'm on valium 3 mg 2x daily, Lamictal 150 mg 2x daily,  Gabapentin 600 milligrams 3xa day (I just changed my twice a day gaba dosing to 3 times to split it up since it I learned it had a short half-life) Prilosec 10 mg ( just so there's that at least... The meds I take right now. 

 

I tend to make my Med mistakes in clusters and I made one yesterday that's affecting me today and making my brain worse than usual.

 

I have an excellent ptsd therapist, and a nurse practitioner who is "humoring" I'm very grateful for that but she's also been pretty negligent and I could have died twice because of her missing pancreatitis and other things like enough attention at all especially when I lost a hundred pounds and could barely walk anymore because I was wasting away on couch oblivious to anything besides Not killing myself.

 

(I digress that was during the beginning of the benzo taper. 2014_2015)

 

I also have seen a neurologist because of these types of bi symptoms I was having and just so I could say I'm seeing a neurologist  in case some nasty psychiatrist tries to get their hooks into me. It makes me sound more credible if I say I'm seeing a neurologist. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate that but he did agree my Lamictal dose was too high and he told my GP to taper me with 25 mg pills which he felt was ridiculous but thank God he did that much.

 

I mentioned those healthcare providers so that if I come on here crazy y'all don't have to worry I've got professionals on my side lol the therapist is really the only one that's worth a dang.

 

I will attend to things like a decent signature on another day and any replies I might get today I may not be able to respond to but rest assured...I am desperate for educated community outside of Facebook!!! Your words will not be wasted... I treasure all responses as long as they aren't mean and uncivilized and aren't pushing God down my throat or trying to sell me a supplement. I know how hard it is to give well-thought-out replies to people and you put your heart and soul into it when you're not at your best many times so I value your responses and I'm always going to come back and look at them and reply. The sensory flooding I get and how easily triggered I am into sensory overload and my inability to give a short edited concise answer is extremely difficult embarrassing and stressful to me. I have to be All or Nothing lately. And media blackouts seem to have been the best reduction in stress but that could because I'm trying to do everything on Facebook.

 

And I can be a valuable asset and wealth of information. I'm very insightful and although I do freak out a lot I always learn something pivotal for every experience and I will come back and share it. I'm also quick to apologize I'm not one of those people who can't admit when they're wrong I'm always open to new information and I've been at this long enough but I've learned what's okay and what's not okay for the most part unless I'm absolutely out of my mind because of some stupid mistake I made with my meds.

 

If you made it this far thank you so much and keep on keeping on, my mantra for today is I am stronger than my past. 

 

And it's ok to do nothing. I'm 300lb mud-suit tired. 

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[Shep]

Hi, Eileen.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

First, please read over this thread. 

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

Please add a signature.  Include drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements in the last 12-24 months. Also include supplements. This will help us give you the most accurate advice we can. 

• Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago) 
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016. 
• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
• This is a direct link to your signature:  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

I'm also going to ask that you get started on a symptoms and drug journal. Please post this for the next few days so we can get an idea of how your drugs are affecting you throughout the day. This is important in deciding which drug you want to taper first. 

 

Keep notes about your drug dosages and daily symptom pattern

 

Please use this thread to list your symptoms and to ask questions. 

 

 

[EileenR]

Ok I know I read all of it. I am going to do those things as soon as I can so I can participate. I just wanted to attempt some kind of intro. I will do diary and share within next few days 

I have to attempt to work tomorrow and I have to be successful and do it on my water is getting shut off on the 26th and my lights are getting shut off on the 27th and I'm drowning. I will be back to do these things cuz I feel they're very good idea and they are very helpful for all concerned. It's like touching hot fire to do almost anything but esp if it is a thinking thing a precise thing. I will try. If I don't manage to do it quickly enough I won't hold it against you if you kick me out. I'll be hurt but I'll know it's my fault not yours. I need the information you have in this board. 

I read much of the file that you pointed out to me already. I have a lot of suicidal ideation going on right now I'll try to do a really short sig with the meds. My brain injury n a blender. I hate talking or texting when like this. No filters it's exhausting bc I have trouble stopping I hate it.

I just came back to edit this and tell you that I suck I don't know how I'm supposed to turn my thoughts into something cohesive that I can do what you're asking me to do while my brain is in a blender... The daily diary... some days I can't get off the floor cuz all I'm doing is puking or fighting graphic flashbacks. I can't pick up my phone and do anything. I can barely tie my shoes. I just wanna research so I can figure out how to proceed so that I can think straight enough to do what you require. It can take me hours just to write a very simple list. IDK W I used to be smart I used to do 20 things at once I can't even tie my own damn shoes sometimes now. I'm very overwhelmed by the amount of things I'm expected to do so quickly as I just joined the site and I'm trying to get my bearings and steady myself. I'm scared you're going to throw me out before I can look at the files and learn what I need to do

[EileenR]

I don't see my sig?!  

 

Diary. A week ago I switched my gabapentin dosing division. From 2x day to 3x day. I was taking 600 at 9 am and then 1200 at night. I did not reduce at all. Just trying to space doses out is causing flare ups big mood swings, confusion, exhaustion, intense PTSD stuff, suicidal ideation, nausea, hot cold flashes, insomnia, hella bad tinnitus.

 

Today 

 

9am Valium 3 mg

         Lamictal 150

         Gabapentin 600

         Omeprazole 10mg

 

5 pm Gabapentin 600

          Omegas 1500

 

10pm Valium 3 mg

            Lamictal 150

            Gabapentin 600

 

Today was intense and complicated and I haven't eaten yet and it's 10 p.m. I have not showered in 3 or 4 days which really isnt close to my records of 2-3 weeks when really sick. 

 

I can't remember one min to next and big mood changes. Staying home bc my interactions w people go so badly.

 

I'm going to try to work tomorrow (cleaning vacation condo for new property manager... Terrifying since I've lost 75% of my customers over the past few years I've had to just start trying to work and doing it till they fire me) so I probably won't have it in me to come and answer anything till Sunday 

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EileenR]

I'm so sorry I'm already annoying and I know you can tell there's something far worse wrong with me than just these medications.. please please please don't hurt me too bad when you throw me out I just hurting so bad and scared of being not capable or good enough I mean how are you able to do this? 

I feel like I have Alzheimers and somebody's asking me to write my Memoirs LOL

[Shep]

Thanks for the additional information.  I'm going to ask for some more information. Please do your best to answer. There's no time limit on this, Eileen. If you're not up to posting now, then wait until tomorrow. We'll still be here. 

 

You mentioned being on Remeron and Ativan in your first post, so it looks like you've been through some rapid changes with additional "helper" meds added in. 

 

Questions:

 

1. What date did you cross over from Ativan to Valium? You went from 1.5 mg Ativan to 10 mg Valium. 1 mg of Ativan equals 10 mg of Valium, so your crossover was too low (as you wisely noted in your first post).

 

2. What drug cocktail you were on when you were last stable? Were you on Ativan at the time, along with Remeron? Do you remember the dose where you were last stable? 

 

It's possible you may benefit from a slight updose of Valium, however, it's important to know the answer to these two questions before recommending this. 

[EileenR]

First let me say it is extremely hard for me to type. And communiicate effectively in general. Im not woryring about typos bc this is challenging enough plus if I remain in the group Id like to see when Im having more trouble than usual with it or improvements (i doubt that for awhile  )

.
I have to check myself if Im questioned bc Ive become defensiive in some of my positions but need to UNDERSTAND WE CANT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER WITHOUT TIME. And its my fault for becoming so frustrated with being judged by...but i try hard youll see. I have BPD or Emotional Dysregulation disorder which for me is from reallt sever early childhood stuff. Cptsd for sure. therapists have wanted to help me write a book. i used to want to but not anymore. Asif I could even begin in state im in lol

I have a problem with that Iwanna tell you 49 years of history with 30+ yearss of that been screwwed upby misdiagnnoses inappropriate medications and trauma piled on trauma. I wanna tell you all my insights and personal knowledge and stories and be overwhelming. I want you to like me and i wanna help as much as i wanna save my own self. <3

I may know english LOL but if I'm on my phone I'm voicetexting....my manicky stream of cnsciousness writing acan be problematic plus memory limitations ...its why i disappear for awhile. its all or nothing.

If some of the ADMIN editing includes typos plz try to leave mine there when not too confusing so I can track this particular symptom...but by all means do what you have tto. 
.
If I'm trying to type, like now, its just as bad for different reasons...including physically and coordination really bad...and just being in general a bad typist and   bc its more of a multitasking thing for my brain I guess.Esp typing bc i go back and forth to add aftrthoughts too...lol 

I have a hard time maintainiing a straight line in conversations, and dont mean to forget stuff but I do. Zero facial recognition zero name zero most everything that helps me remeber people. But I try and this is very scary to reach out to you when its such a challenging form of commnication for me. also both my arms are messed up nd i next to app a vocice text app for my laptop

Please KNOW THIS ABOUT ME:

I will NEVER go into a psychiaric hospital willingly. I will evade that at alllllll costsLOL< or ANY hospital if possible. Please dont bother suggesting...I do have emmeergency plan i follow when suicidal with support peopel that babysit me. I have to leave my home and go to theirs I HATE IT so ive only dont it a couple times but the fat that im alive means its working.. I refudse to ever try to kill myself againafain. My daughters wwere undeserved blessings given to me by the universe and although they are grown and one is in japan and the other in orgeon (im in florida yuck) I can not forget i owe the universe a debt. I also have other vague very personal spiritual reasons to never try again bc of how much i loved my dtr and mom and feel if karma is real and i do kms id be perpetuating a very sad cycle. I have almost broken this horrible cycle...Im almost ther...ya know? Cant mess it up..

I will NEVER updose. Neverrrrrrr

I WILL NOT ADD MEDS OR TRY FAD-ISH SUPPLEMENTS or diets.....I already have a limited diet and quite obsessive, to the point of occasional bouts of paranoia induced anorexia LMAO. Monsanto FDA Pharma etc hater but im past the phase of preaching...I try not to get into that bc its energy i dont have.

 

I'M SEVERELY KINDLED. Way too much yanked on and off history.

I was a nurse in several fields, much of it incl drugging the hell outta people  .i was soooooo disillusioned...just a glorified drug pusher in most cases...not florence nightinggae.  including tampa jails...big as prisons...dcfs for residential and day tx kids, children OMG IM A PART OF THE DRUGGING( working on that) kids and end of life severely sick children at home as well as more typical temp nursing in some really horrible places. I havent worked as a nurse since 1999.

On top of my past I have seen stuff that i cant unsee bc of being in healthcare system.....and veterinary too.  

Ifeel I have now found the beginning of the descent which is GABAPENTIN. II ignored researching that. didnt wanna know just went lalalala bc hands full with benzo and lamictalhich I talk aaabout after i try to start some kind of diary.after i answer ur questions in separate post. 
(thank you for recognizing I do learn from my mistakes, i try any way and i shouldve known better about that ativan dose....the thing is my brain is so retarded (not using it in deragatory way im using it in a medical sense bc ugh cognitively impaired is two words lol) it wasnt until i was going over pharmacy records...i didnt realize id been taking more of the rescue doses than i realized  It was allowed on script to take prns but i never did for longest time...it was interdose withdrawal but i didnt know.at the time.

see the shaking? and diffficulty typiing...my arms are done already, both have ijurys then the slight tremor and . Im waiting oneplacement phone today...mine keeps shutting off and freezing at the most inopotune moments.

I also have a long history and extensive knowledge and my actual awakening to some of the root causes of my failure to be stable. 
Im gettign tired i better hop to it and answer ur questions now
 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EileenR]

OMG sorry bout that last monstrous reply^^^ but evidently this next one is too.

 

I'm kind of surprised my arms lasted that long on laptop. I'm on the phone mostly voice texting now and I'll try to be succinct in my answers. Hope it doesn't crash or freeze.

 

To help myself I'm c&p ur Q's

 

"You mentioned being on Remeron and Ativan in your first post, so it looks like you've been through some rapid changes with additional "helper" meds added in. "

 

No helper meds added in after I became benzo aware in 2013 bc of a bad incident due to me forgetting to put Ativan in four of my pill boxes for 4 days.

 

I was actually a very difficult patient starting about 15 years ago as far as not being willing to add or try meds of any sort for psych or medical because I had a long history of medications since 12 yoand all of them gave me side effects that made me crazier or almost killed me.

 

I've been told and still get told I dictate my own treatment and I'm non-compliant. Not true I just want to be the MVP on my own team and I want doctors to look at my history instead of being know-it-alls.

 

Gabapentin prescribed in 2003-ish  as adjunct to depakote and for severe nerve damage in my right arm that got crippled in a car wreck.

 

Lamictal added after depakote gave me pancreatitis and liver problems but that was only after they tried several antipsychotics ads and other crap that made me psychotic or suicidal I'm lucky I didn't kill somebody or succeed on myself (but I did try to kill myself during that year of yanked on and off stuff like ability Zoloft and every single other thing under the sun.

 

Ativan also Re added then 

 

Then Remeron re added

 

All this over 15 + years ago

 

Tried to taper off Ativan in 2010 very slowly on my own just because I hated it but not because I knew a damn thing about what I was doing.

8 months later I was in severe protracted withdrawal but not Aware of that. Tried to kms and got put in a very bad psychiatric hospital that is a very long story and I've been on the Gabapentin Lamictal and Ativan since then

Until 2014 when I began tapers. Remeron first. 

Then Ativan to Valium 

 

 

Questions:

 

1. What date did you cross over from Ativan to Valium? You went from 1.5 mg Ativan to 10 mg Valium. 1 mg of Ativan equals 10 mg of Valium, so your crossover was too low (as you wisely noted in your first post).

 

Thank you... Too bad I got wise after I did it 😂

 

12.5mg Remeron taper early 2014 over 2 month.

 

Then around June 2014 switched from 1mg Ativan (that's what I thought I was taking because I just was so out of it, I thought I was just taking maybe a PRN once a week)  to 10mg  Valium way too fast and wrong equivalent 

 

Because I wasn't aware of the fact that I was taking a .5 PRN almost every day the last 2 months my mother had died. My better late than never best friend who was gonna help me. 

 

2. What drug cocktail you were on when you were last stable? Were you on Ativan at the time, along with Remeron? Do you remember the dose where you were last stable? 

 

Remeron made me compulsively helplessly binge eat until I was a size 22/24. 

 

After about 6 months into benzo Valium Ashton method taper I got anorexic and so messed up I lost 100 lbs I was a size 10 mid 2015. nothing but Skin and Bones.

 

now I'm a size 14-16 a little healthier too.

 

No I don't remember being stable except for brief periods when I wasn't on psych meds. In hindsight. 

 

Howis it some of us can go through this for years and never realize what the real tragedy is. Because you do have a messed-up childhood and you do have PTSD or whatever maladaptive behaviors. Drug cocktails don't always fix that.

 

My ultimate goal is not necessarily to get off of Everything but i just have to see how it goes.

 

My GP has seen my windows when I suddenly and functioning at a better level and then it's time for me to do another taper. My family has witnessed it I witnessed it you know how you become a Believer and just start knowing things. Unfortunately I didn't research the Gabapentin until recently because I accidentally doubled it one day while I was trying to change the dosing regimen. 

 

I was so suicidal it took my breath away for about 8 hours I saw blood I saw blood blood blood lots of flashbacks massive intrusive thoughts graphic horrible just insane so I researched gabapentin and realize some of my aggressive behavior started right around the time they first prescribed it right around 9/11 2001...by October I was stabbing myself with scissors and wanting to hurt my kid in my dog not like me at all. 

Doctors called it progression of my bipolar disorder. Dumbasses

 

(and I quit self-harming  when I was 16!!! Decades ago!!! And I was never stabbing myself because I wanted to stab someone else,...that is the gabapentin.

 

It's increase my suicidal stuff really bad for all these years being humiliated and ashamed and hated by people. And learning to hide in the house and be a agoraphobic. It's ruined half my daughter's life I'm lucky she still loves me and sees through all the pharmaceutical b*******. 

In fact at the age of 11 or 12 she said mom that Seroquel is while you're turning into a monster that made me a lot worse that was before the Gabapentin or after I can't remember and I'm voice texting and I can't I can't do this anymore. I think I reached my end of being even mildly capable.

 

In spring 2014 I tapered and dcd Remeron 12.5

 

In June 2014 (Immediately after the Remeron dc, dumb dumb dumb) I did Ativan to Valium switch. 

 

I stayed on 10 mg for almost a year as I slowly died LOL.

 

Then stabilized mostly gained back some weight and over a period of months in 2016. Down to 6 mg.

 

I held for a long time bc the symptoms I were having were extremely disabling and scary sensory flooding to its degree I never had before where I couldn't even cope with wearing sunglasses inside with all the windows blacked out and earplugs in and other Lamictal type issues that I did not think of right away until I stumbled across the concept of brakes and gas. I researched the Lamictal saw a neurologist and in mid 2017 till now reduce my Lamictal to 300 mg.

 

I've been holding for 3 or 4 months now. because I didn't know where to start next. As usual my suicidal ideation is always lingering and some varying degree. I already mentioned how I took the Gabapentin twice. That was the next lightbulb moment did some research now I'm really pissed off but at least I know all three meds have some major adjustments or even discontinuations. The whole reason I want off benzos is because I'm tired of doctors yanking me off cold turkey and that should never happen again so I need to get off wow I have a Doctor Who's humoring me and let me do what she thinks is a ridiculously slow micro taper since 2014 LMAO and then I bring in the Lamictal issues and now I've got to approach her with the Gabapentin issues. Fingers crossed she continues to be helpful.

 

My therapist is in complete agreement and I see her at least once a week. 

 

She's watched me deteriorate when I do a taper and then watched me finally reach stabilization and be a little bit better than I was before but then that means it's time to do another cut.

 

I never expected it to get all complicated I just thought I'd get off the benzos and things would be peachy. And how would I think that when I know what I know about psychiatric medicine inside and out. How could I be so slow and dumb oh wait it's cuz I was on three mine I mean medications plus I smoke medical marijuana and I'm usually very sleep-deprived. I believe I should have never been on the stimulating Gabapentin an Lamictal or Zoloft or any of that s*** ever in the first place and the benzo was smothering all the side effects just enough that I could be functional for a few years and then it all backfired.

 

I don't think I can handle any more today but just so you know I had to readjust the Gabapentin dose division to where I take 600 in the morning 300 in the afternoon and 1200 at night.

 

Ive settled on that w input from a family member that reminds me every morning to take my meds and reminds me every night to take my meds and I take a picture of what I'm taking so I don't get confused and she'll say yes those are right and I'll agree yes they're right and then I'll mention what's gone wrong and she helps me remember WTF is going on. 

 

Thatis getting me by without being suicidal aggressive or to physically ill although I'm throwing up at least once a day and it's amazing the types of symptoms I'm having just from changing the dose around but now that I know the half life is short I figured out taking a whole one in the middle of the day was a very bad idea that was evident pretty quickly. For 3 days in a row I had extremely hellish afternoons hysterical crying confused graphic flashbacks and suicidal ideation and I will not take my night meds early so that would have been the only thing you know getting the Valium in is when I start to feel better again. But because my dose is fluctuating because I've changed how I'm taking it I'm getting really physically ill in the morning again and throwing up and dizzy and grouchy. 

 

I prefer missing a dose to doubling one that's for sure I'd rather be grouchy pukey sweaty and have diarrhea and a headache and ringing ears and be suicidal and seeing myself blow my brains out over and over again or some horrible flashback from my past.

 

After April 10th I want to be prepared to start tapering this Gabapentin down before I decide what to do next in order to lower the suicidal ideation and anxiety and pressured speech.

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EileenR]

I'll try again tomorrow and I'll try to do it earlier my best time of day is 10:30 to about 1 that was horrible I'll try again tomorrow and maybe it'll look like a normal person did it.

 

For sure after the 10th I know when I start tapering this Gabapentin after I learn as much from you as I can about this polydrug combination...

I do believe it's going to be hard but I am really positive it's going to reduce my suicidal ideation and anxiety in the end and make the other tapers easier to get on with. 

 

The problem is I can already tell the Redux dose change is causing my arm to hurt and I don't usually have arm pain even though it's mangled. 

So I may have to learn to live with more pain physically if the Gabapentin has been helping that and I have to quit taking it that's going to suck but that's the way it goes.

 

Btw after that hellish day where I called my cousin screaming and crying I scared her have to death and we both agreed that dang maybe we should look at the Gabapentin. I bet she's in Illinois and I'm in Florida and she has just had surgery on her spine and her husband just had arm surgery so she's got her own issues plus she has mental health issues and she actually didn't take Ativan because of me and she also was very careful about the Gabapentin because of me I've helped a lot of people buy them watching me destroy myself LOL

 

I didn't used to have this kind of understanding and validation but finally at least I do cuz I know a lot of people don't. I'm 49 I have a lot of life to grieve but I also have a lot of blessings. 

 

I don't have enough support but some is better than none

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EileenR]

Med food symptom  Diary today:

 

Woke up sweaty nauseous shaky at 7 am.butok otherwise mentally except usual cognitive stuff and mild anxiety.l Stayed in bed took meds at 9 got up about 930 

Lamotrigine 150

Gabapentin 600

Omeprazole 10mg 

Valium 3mg

 

Its 430 I forgot midday dose at 3 Getting ready to take midday gabapentin dose of 300mg 

 

Currently cold sweats ears ringing and anxiety but I think the anxiety is related to being embarrassed about how much I have posted right here and just holding my phone can make me anxious the laptop definitely spikes my anxiety sometimes I think the rays are doing something to me I am very sensitive to certain types of light but you know what you can only take paranoia so far.

 

Had 1/3 caff coffee w sugar/milk around 10am

2 cups and a tiny bit of mmj for nausea and anxiety and bc it's a problem.

I smoke cigs too. 

I haven't eaten or drank water yet. 

 

I haven't showered or brushed my teeth or hair but I changed my shirt and  shorts. I've been outside and a bunch of housework and this forum.

 

It's actually been a very good day comparative Lee speaking I'm miles away from it being where I need to be to be functional but it could be so much worse any day I'm not suicidal or shaking with anxiety is a good day I don't care if I'm on the floor puking all day I probably said that half a dozen times. I wanted to read some files in this group but I'm done for now and the next time I come back I'll try harder.

 

At 9 or 10pm I take

150 mg Lamictal

900 mg Gabapentin

3mg Valium

 

And mmj indica or no sleep gonna happen.

 

And by the way marijuana can definitely cause withdrawal symptoms if you quit using it when you're a long-term user. Trust me on that it makes me mad when people say it's not addictive it changes your Gaba receptors it's highly addictive. 

 

 

It'sthe least scary of my meds in my opinion though. 

I'll  make myself eat right now since I never eat during the day this is a good reminder and drink some water and probably lay down for 20 minutes. 

 

Last night I have to make sure last night what ate is recorded. After midnight I'm starving. It's a bad cycle habit. 

I ate HORRIBLE food I'm ashamed to say. 

 

My Cravings have changed since I rearranged the Gabapentin dose as well. 

 

I never ever eat fast food I got McDonald's and I ate a half a bag of organic jelly beans because I avoid food coloring like the plague. I also ate a bar of dark chocolate w almonds and a handful of dried apricots...a cannot believe I ate McDonald's normally just the thought of eating that would give me a panic attack it makes me disgusted anyway tonight I'm having fish and broccoli. 

 

In fact maybe I'll make it right now and have dinner at a normal time like normal people do. 

 

My eating habits are absolutely atrocious as you will see if I do a diary everyday I should probably say what I ate the night before right at the beginning. 

 

I also need to track what time I'm actually going to bed and how many hours of sleep I'm getting. 

 

I honestly don't know what time I actually laid down in my bed to sleep.

 

sometimes wake up with my face on the coffee table. 

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[EileenR]

I'm writing it on paper the way I just read in the instructions with an example LOL 

 

tomorrowI'll definitely do better.

 

 on bad days I'll just try to take a picture of what I wrote down.

 

I'll also tackle that sig line.

 

I think this is going to be a great place for me to minimize the number of mistakes I'm making in this journey lol

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
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[Shep]

13 hours ago, EileenR said:

Questions:

 

1. What date did you cross over from Ativan to Valium? You went from 1.5 mg Ativan to 10 mg Valium. 1 mg of Ativan equals 10 mg of Valium, so your crossover was too low (as you wisely noted in your first post).

 

Thank you... Too bad I got wise after I did it 😂

 

12.5mg Remeron taper early 2014 over 2 month.

 

Then around June 2014 switched from 1mg Ativan (that's what I thought I was taking because I just was so out of it, I thought I was just taking maybe a PRN once a week)  to 10mg  Valium way too fast and wrong equivalent 

 

Because I wasn't aware of the fact that I was taking a .5 PRN almost every day the last 2 months my mother had died. My better late than never best friend who was gonna help me. 

 

2. What drug cocktail you were on when you were last stable? Were you on Ativan at the time, along with Remeron? Do you remember the dose where you were last stable? 

 

Remeron made me compulsively helplessly binge eat until I was a size 22/24. 

 

After about 6 months into benzo Valium Ashton method taper I got anorexic and so messed up I lost 100 lbs I was a size 10 mid 2015. nothing but Skin and Bones.

 

now I'm a size 14-16 a little healthier too.

 

No I don't remember being stable except for brief periods when I wasn't on psych meds. In hindsight. 

 

Thanks for this information, Eileen. It's very helpful. 

 

Since your benzo crossover was in 2014, that's too far in the past to be able to correct with an updose. And since you weren't stable back then, then that's another reason an updose most likely won't help. 

 

There may be some timing changes that may help, but we'll need more information first. 

 

Two requests:

 

1. Please re-do your signature. Leave out the narrative "I can't do this. It keeps being too long. I'm screaming inside." The signature needs to be short and to the point so that moderators can quickly access what drugs you've been on in the past and what you are currently taking.

 

• For current drugs - the name of the drug, the date you started taking it, and the dose
• For previous drugs - the name of the drug, the start and stop date, and the dose.
• Any drugs and supplements prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years. 
• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses. 
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
• Also list your supplements and the mmj indica you are taking

 

2. Do your drugs make you sleepy? Do you feel sedated in the morning when you take Lamotrigine, Gabapentin, and Valium? 

 

 

 

Edited March 30, 2018 by Shep
added information

[DMV64]

Hi Eileen!

Welcome and thanks for your posts. It is always helpful to me to know I am not alone, especially sometimes feeling suicidal. And just generally FOGGED.

This is a great place with a lot of knowledge!

-D

[EileenR]

I think I am too messed up to do this group. I may have to come back and try when I get a window instead of doing it when my brain is on fire.  

 

I really like the admin edit for meds. Thank you.

 

It was a hard day and I hurt myself badly in more ways than one trying to work .

I needed the money but I'm crippled now and my section 8 housing inspection is on Wednesday. 

I'm doing an epic face plant over here.

I can't control communication and I think this is beyond my ability. 

Joining the group I may have to wait till I have a window and my brain is working a little bit again. 

That could be tomorrow or it could be 2 weeks or a year. I'm not ignoring you I just can't even write a list without it taking 3 days LOL I quit for a while now I think on everything I just quit I'm going to go in my cave. I'll stabilize eventually. 

I'll talk to my therapist about whether trying to do this is beyond my reach or not. I see her Wednesday afternoon.

Everybody have a happy Easter

[EileenR]

Hey DMV 64

On 3/30/2018 at 8:38 AM, DMV64 said:

Hi Eileen!

Welcome and thanks for your posts. It is always helpful to me to know I am not alone, especially sometimes feeling suicidal. And just generally FOGGED.

This is a great place with a lot of knowledge!

-D

Hi! 

I'm not used to using this kind of forum

Thank you for saying hi. I got to say the best thing about today is that I'm not suicidal I should be grateful for that so exhausting LOL so I'll stop crying now. 

I just I'm looking forward to having a day that I can actually get started in here and participate.