Tao of the Brassmonkey

[Rosetta]

Thinking of you. I’m sorry about your sister in law.  I’m sure that having such a caring soul around will help both her and your wife.  They are lucky to have you.  Have a safe trip.

 

Rosetta

[Cocopuffz17]

Sorry to hear Brass. All the best to you in this difficult time. 

[Frogie]

So sorry to read this.

 

Sending thoughts, prayers and ((((((HUGS))))) to you, your wife and family.

[brassmonkey]

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and (((HUGS))), they are quite comforting.  

[Gridley]

My heart and prayers are with you, your wife and sister-in-law.  I can't think of another person who could bring more solace into this situation. 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Gridley

[Longroadhome]

It’s lovely that Monica has such strong support by her side.  

 

[brassmonkey]

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my making the jump to "0". It was a major accomplishment requiring a five and a half year taper. It has been a very eventful, exciting and at times stressful four years. I wouldn't have missed them for the world.

 

After congratulations, the first thing everyone is going to ask is "are you fully recovered?". 

 

To which I will have to answer, "I haven't got a clue", but I'm functioning well in society, generally feel well, am in good health according to my doctor, and all in all enjoying life. But I do forget things, have body aches and pains, have trouble finding my words in conversation, get tired easily nd the like. I honestly can't remember what I felt like physically and mentally all those years ago before I started taking the paxil. I do know I was in a condition that turning to psych drugs was a viable alternative. I'm very glad I did and really wish I hadn't.

 

Today marks 28 1/2 years since that all began. Having spent almost a third of my life involved with ADs it only make sense to say that they have had an affect on my life and body. In the beginning they seemed to be quite helpful.  That was followed by a period of helping me get through some really tough times by making me feel very little and then it all went south.  Regaining control of my life took a huge effort and a lot of pain both physically and mentally. At each step of the journey it came down to my doing what had to be done to get through. Even if they are no longer directly making changes to my body what they have changed in the past has directly placed me where I am today.

 

Last week I turned 68. I still think of myself as in my mid forties, but my body is letting me know otherwise. Are the things I'm experiencing the result of getting older or of the ware and tear of the drugs?  There really is no way of telling, and frankly I don't care. My current existence is the sum total of everything I have experienced in my life and when it comes down to it we have very little control over what has happened. We make choices based on the information available at the time and then work our way through the consequences. When one event is over, it becomes part of the past and is no longer directly related to the present or future, but is relegated to the storehouse of experiences that we draw from to make our decisions.

 

Moving on from the past is a very important part of personal growth and recovery from any trauma. At some point it is necessary to say "it's over and done with, time to move on".

[elbee]

Congrats Brass! 4 years drug-free is a huge milestone, WOW! ☺️ And happy belly button birthday too 😉 It's been clear to me in my recovery that there really is no going back to where I was . . . I can only move forward to a place I've not yet been. And if in that place I can find some peace, connection, purpose, and wholeness -- then perhaps I'm living well. Recovery is a journey, not a destination.

 

Best wishes on each new step forward you take 🙏❤️

 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

Congrats on 4 years post zero! 

[Frogie]

@brassmonkey

 

Congratulations on your four year anniversary!

 

And a very happy birthday to you as well😊

 

Frogie xx

[getofflex]

Brassmonkey you are an inspiration to me, and to many of us here.  You give me a lot of hope.  Thank you for all your contributions to this forum.  

[Moonpie]

Congratulations brassmonkey!  A true accomplishment you worked hard for.  Thank you for all the support and help you have given me since I have come to SA. 

I am 67 and I appreciate your sharing.  Especially, "We make choices based on the information available at the time and then work our way through the consequences. When one event is over, it becomes part of the past and is no longer directly related to the present or future, but is relegated to the storehouse of experiences that we draw from to make our decisions.

Moving on from the past is a very important part of personal growth and recovery from any trauma. At some point it is necessary to say "it's over and done with, time to move on".

Such wise advice and some I was badly needing!   

 

[Rosetta]

Ha! Ha! Well, more or less 4 years since my “jump to zero,” too — off a cliff.  So glad you were here for me.  

Congrats on a nice anniversary, Brassmonkey.

[mdwstrx]

Happy anniversary and congratulations! 

md

🌞

[Addax]

Finally caught up on your story.  I still have some poking around to do, but it is so heart warming to read how well you are at this point, so many years after your final dose. 
 

I am sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. I hope her experience is pain free and smooth. I send warm wishes to you, your wife, and her family.

[Erell]

((((Hugs))))

[brassmonkey]

Here are some thoughts on sleep problems that I posted on another thread and thought I should post them here also:

 

Normal bodily cycles are fine for people with normal bodies. People experiencing ADWD are not in this category. Our bodies and all the systems/cycles in them have been chemically altered and are trying to return to center (normal). Until that happens all of our cycles will have a mind of their own.

 

Insomnia or sleep problems are one of the biggest concerns we get here. Lack of sleep and erratic sleep patterns cause members an undue amount of stress, which in turn causes more sleeplessness. During ADWD sleep becomes a catch as catch can proposition. The simple act of going to bed when tired can cause a person not to sleep. There are times, when struggling with sleep, that it is best to just lean back close your eyes and let it happen where ever your are. My recliner was the best friend I had. While working on the PC or watching television, if the urge hit I would just lay back and go for it. It didn't matter the time of day or what was going on because sleep was more important. When things settled then going to bed was no problem.

 

The idea of getting a solid 8 hours of sleep, "early to bed, early to rise" and the associated sleep problems it creates can be traced back to the late 1700's. The start of the "Industrial Revolution" is pinned to 1774. Life started to move from the natural cycles of farm life to the forced cycles of factory life. People were now forced to fit schedule and not do what was natural.

 

Research has shown that the natural sleep cycle is actually 4, 3, 4, 13. With the 13 sometimes being broken up with naps. The first 4 hours are triggered by the setting sun causing the body to release melatonin. A few hours later a person wakes up to check on the animals, make sure the "camp" is secure/safe, do some light house work, eat a snack and head back to sleep. Waking up again around dawn when the day begins.

 

However, for the safety of the "tribe" not all members kept this schedule. Some naturally would be awake during the dark hours to keep watch. They would then take their turn sleeping during the day. It is a quite natural pattern, but one that does not fit in the "industrial schedule". Many people who have this sleep pattern struggle with it daily as they try to fit in to society.

 

My wife and myself are two of these people. My natural pattern is 1:30am to 10am and hers is 5am to 1pm. It caused a great many problems when we were working jobs that started at 5 or 6am. Now that we are retired and can follow our natural patterns life is so much better.

 

It is much better for a person to find their natural cycle, what ever it is, than to try and force themselves into the artificial cycle imposed on us by society. It is hard to do and maintain employment, but there are often options. If a person is "at leisure" (unemployed) during ADWD it is to their advantage to learn and work with their natural sleep cycle than to try and force things into what we are told to be the norm.

[Miyan]

@brassmonkey 

I had full sleep in taper than post taper.

Full sleep means If I go to bed I will wake in the next morning.

But in Post taper If I go to bed I will awake at midnight then I get some sleep then awake. I hate this pattern.

Some nights I'm anxious to go to bed.

Note. But one thing Whatever I sleep I get Sleep deprivation in the next morning.

[brassmonkey]

On another thread a member asked how much I have recovered since I jumped to "0". I though it would be a good to repost my answer here.

 

That is really a tough question to answer. I was drugged for a total of 23 years and went through a lot of major life experiences in that time. It is quite difficult to remember small details of how I felt before hand. In general I'm doing quite fine. I am very active but tire easily. My concentration isn't what I think it should be, but all my life I've carried my "paper brain" so I could remember things. I've always had trouble finding my words in conversation, so no change there. I'm able to feel a full range of emotions, but often don't really care. Life can be quite difficult, but the more you see of it the less it bothers you.

 

For the most part I'm in a much better place mentally than I was before hand. But I will chalk that up to many years of maturing, studying spirituality and learning about/experiencing life. It's been 28 years since I first took Paxil. In that time I've been through a lot. Two careers, making, losing and remaking a lot of money, making and losing a lot of friends. Traveling the world and being confined to my house. Even without the experience of taking and withdrawing from Paxil there is no way that I could possibly be the same person I was when this all started.

 

Physically I'm the same way. I couldn't possibly attempt to do the things I use to do. I no longer have the strength and flexibility and would injure myself quite badly if I tried. I not happy about the condition I'm in, but I still run circles around friends 15 years younger than myself and do almost anything I set out to do.

 

So there really is no way to say "I'm 95% recovered". I do know that things are still improving since I jumped to "0" several years ago, and probably will for a while. But I'm getting older and that has it's adverse effects. It comes down to "I'm where I should be, given all the things I done and been through". With that I am content, and contentment is the key to life.

[getofflex]

What a wonderful post @brassmonkey.  It sounds like you have strong acceptance of life on life's terms.  I can relate to what you said about how you can no longer do the things you used to do, but a lot of that is due to age.  I'm the same way.  Perhaps we don't have 100% recovery from the drug and WD, but the difficulty of going through WD gives us deeper things we could not otherwise have gained, like inner strength, wisdom, patience, compassion.  It's a tradeoff, but a good one. 

[brassmonkey]

When I was studying screen writing back in film school we were taught the concept that "there is the movie you imagine, the movie you write and the movie that is produced. It is the same for life. There is the life you imagine, the life you strive for and the life you actually live. The expectations created by the first two greatly color your acceptance of the actual event. Disappointment and frustration are the products of unfulfilled expectations.

 

We all want to be "in control" of our lives but there are just too many factors that "just aren't up to us".  Striving for what we want is a good/necessary thing, but we have to balance it with acceptance of what we actually experience. Life is about determining what is truly important to us and doing what ever is necessary to achieve and maintain it.

 

Going through ADWD is a trial by fire that will show us what is truly important. In it's way it removes things down to the very basics and lets us rebuild from the ground up with the understanding of what is actually important in our lives. We can lose many friends in the process, but because we lost them it proves that they were not that important. The ones that stuck around are the ones to cherish. The same with family members, jobs, housing, pretty much any aspect of our lives. If it made it through it is a keeper. If not, it didn't matter.

 

The process also shows us our true beliefs, values and emotions. Because each one will be rocked to it's very core. It is a very painful process to get through, but we have been left with no choice. If our lives are to continue we have to do what ever is necessary to to make it happen. We imagine our recovery/new life, we do what is necessary to make it happen and cherish the second chance we have been given.

[Marsha]

@brassmonkeythank you for these valuable insights. 

[gentlehermione]

@brassmonkey some very profound words of wisdom - thank you 🥰

[brassmonkey]

I posted this else where on the forum and thought I should repost it here.

 

Trusting that your body knows what needs to be done to heal and will do it naturally is one of the hardest parts of doing this. The amount of trust that we have to have is amazing and the ability to accept what happens and move through it, even if it isn't what we had planned, is equally so. We have all been taught to think things  through and do what we think is best, but sometimes our logic gets the best of us. We can think too much and see too many sides of the coin.

 

To me ADWD is proof that nature is in control despite what we think. In most cases we have to get out of the way and let it happen. We may want a specific outcome by next weekend, but the choice isn't ours. If our body wants to heal in that direction by them it may happen, but usually it needs to do something else, which it knows is more important for the healing process. It doesn't really care what our weekend plans are, but rather knows what it needs to do to heal.

 

Giving up that control is very hard because we think about the problem too much.

[getofflex]

@brassmonkeythis is profound wisdom.  I will share the link to this to some of our newer members who are still trying to fix their WD with drugs.  

[Heath]

@brassmonkey agreed great wisdom!

this is especially worse being the provider for your family and being In adwd. We run around try to control what will happen this coming  weekend per say. The need for control and expectation being a provider with responsibilities makes withdrawal worse and withdrawal makes anxiety worse (need for control). It’s like they feed each other. Practice Practice!

[brassmonkey]

Monica and I will be going back on the road starting in November.  As usual we will be experiencing limited internet access during our travels. Between now and leaving we have a number of large projects to tie up and a lot of preparations to make, so I will be greatly reducing my time spent here for the foreseeable future.

[brassmonkey]

As I mentioned last month Monica and I are going back on the road starting this afternoon. We will have very limited internet availability, so my checking in here will be on a catch-as-catch-can basis.

[brassmonkey]

I'm beginning to not like the New Year's season. Large Kidney Stone a couple of years ago and now just got out of the hospital from a suspected stroke. It wasn't one, they took a lot of pictures of my brain, proof positive that I have one, and found nothing wrong. General conclusion from the neurologist was "classic migraine". I don't really agree and neither does the opthomoligist. (I still hate this spell checker) He says Machler degradation, but I need some more tests. Any way it's going to take some time and sorting out to get to the bottom of it all. So, my attention will be elsewhere. Having a small wave of visual symptoms ATM so need to take a break.

[Heath]

Sorry to hear the troubles you are having. There’s got to be a way we can skip around the holiday season 👍.

hang in there and take care of yourself!

[92sharks]

@brassmonkeyI'm so sorry to hear about your recent hospitalization. @LarrySposted to me today and it is the first time I've been on AD in a couple of months (too triggering at the moment). I think it was meant to be as I wouldn't have read your post otherwise. On Dec17 I experienced 3 tias (mini-strokes with no lasting effects). ER visit with MRI and CT scan. Neg for infarct or bleed thank goodness. But my primary care MD says something happened and is very kind to be running several tests to look for the source of the vascular event, if possible. I understand we may never know the source, but I am glad to be looking for blockages/source of emboli to possibly prevent a recurrence or worse. I also understand we are all different and your experience or event may be very different than mine. I just want you to be persistent in asking for tests and the care you want. Be a squeaky wheel until you feel heard. You can be nice and assertive AND get what you want. I sense that you feel "blown off" by your neurologist. I completely understand. If your neurologist isn't taking your symptoms seriously, go through your primary care MD and say why. If you are continuing to have symptoms, please contact your physician. I felt completely left out in the wind upon leaving the ER. They concluded I didn't have an active bleed or infarct, and just said "well, follow up with your primary care MD on Monday". I didn't even talk to a physician upon leaving the ER. 😳 I felt very uncared for, unimportant, and left to my own devices. What happened was quite traumatic and certainly SOMETHING happened. But on Monday, it was clear that my primary care was on top of things and isn't just shrugging it off. Best of luck to you and I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I've not enjoyed feeling mortal and not able to take my health for granted. 🥴🤷🏼‍♀️ I much prefer the opposite. 

[brassmonkey]

@92sharks thank you for the information and talking about your experience. The TIAS could be a possibility, I'll look into that. I have a follow up with my PCP scheduled for thursday. Will be getting referrals for different neuros and opthos. She is pretty proactive and quite concerned so I'll keep after things. Also, my wonderful wife won't let it rest until we get some answers.

 

Did you happen to have a lot of intense visual impairment? That's been my primary symptom.

[manymoretodays]

5 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

I don't really agree and neither does the opthomoligist. (I still hate this spell checker) He says Machler degradation, but I need some more tests.

 

Oh brassmonkey, such a bummer.  Are you still on the road too??!!

Eeks.

Do you mean Macular degeneration.  I think the opthamologist would be key on that, if so.

And headaches too.  Ugh.

 

I. am. sending. healing. thoughts. vibes.

And yes, this is getting old I'm sure, not you, but the New Year's situation and onset of health concerns.

Not fun.

 

Anyway....so best to you.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

[LarryS]

I want to sympathize with what you are going through.  It is scary, and answers seem to be inadequate.  I relate because my wife gets multiple migrain's per month.  She gets spirals in the eyes and recently her vision went dark for a short time in addition to the bad headache which often send her to bed to rest.  The ophthalmologist said it could have been a small blood clot passing through the eye.  A scary thought.  No cure was offered.

Hope your ophthalmologist can give you a better answer and help.

[Longroadhome]

Thinking of you Brass you must be very concerned. 
This is a hard blow after successfully getting through WD. 
I hope through investigation it does turn out to be classic migraine.
Please keep us updated as you’re a very important part of the family here on SA.
In the meantime take good care of yourself.  
 

[92sharks]

@brassmonkey I had no visual impairment. I had slurred speech for about 20 sec in 3 different episodes over a 30 min period, with tingling in 2 fingers on one hand during one of the episodes. Those were my only symptoms. I was questioned about migraines during my follow up with my primary care MD. I have no history of migraines. I think migraines could be one possible cause of your experience, but I would certainly want to rule out via testing several other possibilities that could cause similar symptoms. I know with my experience it is possible that there will be no conclusive evidence found as to why my events occurred. I can accept that. What I wouldn't want to accept is a diagnosis that we don't know what caused them as an explanation without further testing. I want definitive evidence that there is not a vascular blockage somewhere with micro emboli breaking off. I've had an initial MRI and CT that were neg. I've had an MRA (magnetic resonance arteriogram-looking at the vasculature in the brain) and have not gotten results yet. I believe I will be getting a doppler study of my carotid arteries, and possibly a cardiovascular consult. A new Neuro consult appointment for me isn't available until May. 😳 I am also in NorCal. I'm glad that your primary care MD is concerned. She can order the tests for a work up. I'm also glad your wife is assertive. I think I said in my last post, if you're still having symptoms, do not hesitate to let your primary know. I am happy to talk further or PM if you wish. Happy New Year to you!