IanM: introduction

[Spideygsm]

IanM

 

I understand. The first time I haven’t felt utter hopelessness in 47 years was after I got through the majority of the Zyprexa withdrawals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a normal person but I honestly feel better. Drugs help some people including myself. However, many times, such as myself, people build up tolerances and the drugs quit working and I would feel worse taking the drugs than not. All the doctors do is either keep upping the dose which would make me feel over drugged or prescribe something more powerful.

 

I’ve been to the point of dispair and hopelessness to the point where I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get out of bed, watch tv, listen to music, eat, bath, work, nothing. Each time it was caused by mental health drugs (Benzodiazepines or Zyprexa).

 

I want to help people because there was nobody to help me. SA and the moderators have helped me tremendously. There are success stories of people getting off every type of drugs. People in the same boat as you. Read them. The people with the most problems were people like me who did a very rapid taper or people that quit cold turkey. There’s a third group of people who have difficulty and I think that the class you fall into. That’s people who start messing with doses of different medications at the same time. Your mind and body freak out because each drug affects different areas, receptors, and brain functions. That’s where you’re at right now. 

 

I can’t  tell you what to do. I’m not a Dr but can tell you what I would do if I were you based on my very long history with mental health drugs. I would stabilize. I would take all the medications at the dose prescribed (or the dose I was stable at) before I started messing with doses. It may take some time for the drugs to work and for your brain to readjust. Right now it sounds like it’s in a drug shock. Only then should you start tapering the dose on only 1 of the meds. From experience, if you taper Zyprexa, don’t kick up your Klonipin. It WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE. 

 

I’m not trying to scare you or induce evil thoughts. Please read other people’s topics including mine. Listen to the moderators. They do care. They basically work for free and have all been in the same situation as you and me. They know how to do this. Just stabilize first or expect a longer more difficult journey

[IanM]

1 hour ago, Spideygsm said:

IanM

 

I understand. The first time I haven’t felt utter hopelessness in 47 years was after I got through the majority of the Zyprexa withdrawals.

 

Thanks so much for this post, Spidey. It really helps.

 

What concerns me is that I'm taking far, far less of each drug than I was prescribed, and I have self-tapered them all over a fairly short time-frame, and I have done it without my psychiatrists 'permission'...he just says I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, and simply writes down my current doses. I'm a crappy patient.

 

Here's what my prescriptions say I should be taking, and was taking at some point:

 

Olanzapine (zyprexa): one 5mg tablet under the tongue 3 times a day as needed. (I am currently taking 2.5mg a day, but I don't recall how much I did take way back when I started on it).

 

Gabapentin: 1400mg/day, split into 3 doses. (I am currently taking 200mg a day).

 

Klonopin: one 0.25mg tablet twice daily, as required. (I currently take 0.0625mg twice daily, and I didn't take the full prescribed dose for longer than 5 days...I usually took half of that before reducing to an eighth of the prescribed dose).

 

Lamotrigine: 50mg per day. (I currently take 9.375mg per day...I only lasted 3 days at 50mg before realizing it was making me way worse).

 

Seeing it in writing now makes me think I may have really messed up my brain chemistry by reducing all these drugs over the course of just a few short months, but I absolutely do not want to go back up on any of them, mostly because I wouldn't even know which one is the 'right' one to increase.

 

Dire strates, no getting around it.

 

And yes, everyone here has been great, and I am grateful you/they are here and that this web site exists (but angry that it has to exist at all, as I'm sure many would agree).

 

Edit:

Moderators: does anyone know why signatures almost never show up for me?

[ChessieCat]

13 minutes ago, IanM said:

What concerns me is that I'm taking far, far less of each drug than I was prescribed, and I have self-tapered them all over a fairly short time-frame, and I have done it without my psychiatrists 'permission'...he just says I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, and simply writes down my current doses. I'm a crappy patient.

 

Even if he mightn't like what you are doing, at least he's "allowing" you to do it and you are still able to get your scripts.  We have members who have to be inventive about what they say/don't say to their doctor.  A few members' doctors have said they won't continue to prescribe their drug.

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

The thing to realise is that the medical professionals get their drug information from the pharmaceutical companies and the pharmaceutical companies' focus is on making $$$.  The pharmaceutical companies have coined the term "therapeutic dose" which is an arbitrary figure.  You might find that using the term "lowest effective dose" might help your psychiatrist to be more understanding.

[IanM]

39 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Even if he mightn't like what you are doing, at least he's "allowing" you to do it and you are still able to get your scripts.  We have members who have to be inventive about what they say/don't say to their doctor.  A few members' doctors have said they won't continue to prescribe their drug.

 

Hi CC,

Now that you've brought this issue to my attention, I need to be careful how I present to my pdoc, and what I tell him. I'm going to read the links you sent me shortly. One positive thing is that my pdoc works at/for my local hospital, and is not a private practitioner, so maybe that explains why he's so lenient with me. 

 

Definite tight rope that needs to be walked, and a stressor I sure don't need right now.

[IanM]

I REALLY think I need to take something right now... I don't think I can survive what's happening in my head.

 

I am probably being too much of a burden here, but I need to ask if anyone has any advice.

[Spideygsm]

1 hour ago, IanM said:

Olanzapine (zyprexa): one 5mg tablet under the tongue 3 times a day as needed. (I am currently taking 2.5mg a day, but I don't recall how much I did take way back when I started on it).

 

2.5 mg is a the dose level I hit and others hit when all hell broke lose during Zyprexa withdrawl. You’ve been all over the place on your Zyprexa dose. I’m gonna tell you like it is. It took me 3 months after my last dose until I began feeling any improvement at all. I can still feel withdrawals today 7 months later. 

 

Quote

 

Gabapentin: 1400mg/day, split into 3 doses. (I am currently taking 200mg a day)

 

The FDA approved use of Gabapentin is to treat neuropathic pain. An of oabel use is anxiety. I’m sure there’s more. There’s topics posted in SA about people having problems getting off Gabapentin. If I reduce my dose at all, 24 hours later I get intense anxiety and nervousness. 

 

Klonopin: one 0.25mg tablet twice daily, as required. (I currently take 0.0625mg twice daily, and I didn't take the full prescribed dose for longer than 5 days...I usually took half of that before reducing to an eighth of the prescribed dose).

 

I was one 0.25mg/day dose of Klonipin when my body went into intense withdrawals within 8 hours of taking my last dose. It happens to some people within days. It took me about 60 days to withdrawl CT from Klonipin. Lots of topics on SA about Benzodiazepin withdrawl stories. 

 

Quote

 

Lamotrigine: 50mg per day. (I currently take 9.375mg per day

 

I was taking 450mg/day for Bipolar Disorder (an off label use). Lamotrigine was approved by the FDA to control seizures. Please search people’s stories regarding Lamotrigin withdrawals on SA. I personally didn’t have to much problem getting off Lamotrigine. 

 

I cant even speculate what drug(s) are meshing you up. Probably all of them. (MOD NOTE:  Please read the preceding moderator posts - the mods are doing their best to assist Ian - this suggestion IS NOT recommended) We’re not supposed to make drug recommendations on SA. The only thing I can suggest is to go back to the level of all 4 drugs where you were stable before and stay there until you feel better. Only then start considering eliminating one drug at a time by a slow taper. 

 

Edited October 23, 2018 by ChessieCat
mod note

[ChessieCat]

Try to find ways to distract yourself.  Many members here have had times when they've just had to get through minute by minute.  Maybe keep telling yourself that you are DOING SOMETHING, you are helping your brain to stabilise by not taking something.

 

Check out these:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

There are Claire Weekes videos on YouTube.  Check them out.

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

[ChessieCat]

6 minutes ago, Spideygsm said:

I cant even speculate what drug(s) are meshing you up. Probably all of them. (MOD NOTE:  Please read the preceding moderator posts - the mods are doing their best to assist Ian) We’re not supposed to make drug recommendations on SA. The only thing I can suggest is to go back to the level of all 4 drugs where you were stable before and stay there until you feel better. Only then start considering eliminating one drug at a time by a slow taper. 

 

Ian, the mods are doing their best to help you get out of this mess that the doctors have got you into.  Please be patient and DO NOT take the advice of Spideygsm.

 

On 10/22/2018 at 9:02 AM, Shep said:

It's possible that spacing out your klonopin a bit more will help. And then reducing the lamotrigine, but let's get a couple of more days of the drug and symptoms journal first. 

 

Also, if possible, please try not to take a klonopin rescue dose. You mentioned "Prana Breathing" in an earlier post. The breathing techniques are excellent. Please also have a look at some other non-drug coping ideas that may help:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Hang in there. This does get better. 

 

 

It could be that the dental issues are making things seem worse at this time, especially if you are suffering from toothache and/or infection.  And the fear of going to the dentist would definitely not be helping.

 

 

[IanM]

28 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Try to find ways to distract yourself.  Many members here have had times when they've just had to get through minute by minute.  Maybe keep telling yourself that you are DOING SOMETHING, you are helping your brain to stabilise by not taking something.

 

Check out these:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

There are Claire Weekes videos on YouTube.  Check them out.

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

 

I am a master at distraction, but sometimes the 'thing' wrong in my head gets so bad that no amount of distraction helps. And perhaps amazingly, I would say that I am not anxious at all (at least as I know anxiety), as I am also very good at controlling anxiety 'naturally'...by practicing the 'techniques' outlined here:

 

http://mui-therapy.org/english/index.htm

 

Thank you for the links.

[Spideygsm]

26 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Ian, the mods are doing their best to help you get out of this mess that the doctors have got you into.  Please be patient and DO NOT take the advice of Spideygsm.

 

ChessieCat:

 

I agree. IanM should do anything but do what they’re doing now. Doing nothing made things worse for me. Walk, swim, anything. That’s what I learned worked best for me. I told this to IanM before.

 

I know we’re not supposed to give any medical advice or recommend drugs. My bad. I try to keep my mouth shut but sometimes it’s difficult. 

 

I’ll say no more. 

[IanM]

I need to report that the intensity of my brain dysfunction has decreased, and I'm out of severe crisis mode now, but I remain very guarded because it almost always worsens as the night progresses. I went to bed and wrote in my journal and 'watched' a comedy show, and the deep darkness lifted.

 

I wish I could cry, but it's unsafe for me to do.

 

Thank you all for your responses. 

[ChessieCat]

That's good to hear.  Thank you for letting us know.

[IanM]

I feel the need to disclose something about my drug situation that perhaps will shed a different light on the doctors that have been prescribing my drugs:

 

About 18 years ago I fell into a serious case of generalized anxiety disorder that was as extreme as such disorders can be. I went untreated for over a year before winding up in the psych hospital. But...I refused to take any of their drugs, and as a result, my stay there was the longest in the hospital's history -- 3 months, if I recall correctly. I did, however, let them electrocute my brain 6 times, something I deeply regret to this day. In the end, though, I relented to taking drugs, and the two that they chose were Olanzapine and gabapentin, 10mg and 2400mg, respectively. This drug combination got me out of the hospital, and basically put me to sleep for a month; within a month and a half, I was more or less 'reset'. I cold-turkeyed both drugs, without issues as far as I know, and I slowly but surely got back to my old self.

 

Fast-forward 16 years or so, and I have a mental breakdown that in no way resembled what happened to me years ago, and I found myself back in the hospital. Without going into the many and varied drugs that were tried and failed, they asked me what I thought I should try. My immediate response was to suggest the drugs that I knew worked for me all those years ago...Olanzapine and gabapentin. The doctors were happy to oblige.

 

The problem is, the two drugs did not work the same as they did before, OR I didn't give them enough time to work before CTing them again. So down the bumpy road I went of starting and stopping the drugs at various doses, with frequent trips to ER with what I now suspect were Olanzapine/gabapentin withdrawals.

 

So I am definitely partly to blame for my current predicament, by asking for the drugs, but not taking them 'as directed'. 

 

Just needed to get this off my chest, if for no other reason than writing it is a good distraction right now.

 

[powerback]

5 hours ago, IanM said:

I feel the need to disclose something about my drug situation that perhaps will shed a different light on the doctors that have been prescribing my drugs:

 

About 18 years ago I fell into a serious case of generalized anxiety disorder that was as extreme as such disorders can be. I went untreated for over a year before winding up in the psych hospital. But...I refused to take any of their drugs, and as a result, my stay there was the longest in the hospital's history -- 3 months, if I recall correctly. I did, however, let them electrocute my brain 6 times, something I deeply regret to this day. In the end, though, I relented to taking drugs, and the two that they chose were Olanzapine and gabapentin, 10mg and 2400mg, respectively. This drug combination got me out of the hospital, and basically put me to sleep for a month; within a month and a half, I was more or less 'reset'. I cold-turkeyed both drugs, without issues as far as I know, and I slowly but surely got back to my old self.

 

Fast-forward 16 years or so, and I have a mental breakdown that in no way resembled what happened to me years ago, and I found myself back in the hospital. Without going into the many and varied drugs that were tried and failed, they asked me what I thought I should try. My immediate response was to suggest the drugs that I knew worked for me all those years ago...Olanzapine and gabapentin. The doctors were happy to oblige.

 

The problem is, the two drugs did not work the same as they did before, OR I didn't give them enough time to work before CTing them again. So down the bumpy road I went of starting and stopping the drugs at various doses, with frequent trips to ER with what I now suspect were Olanzapine/gabapentin withdrawals.

 

So I am definitely partly to blame for my current predicament, by asking for the drugs, but not taking them 'as directed'. 

 

Just needed to get this off my chest, if for no other reason than writing it is a good distraction right now.

 

Hi Ian ,I respect your candor ,I wouldn't put a huge amount of self blame on yourself ,try and nurture your pain and illness as you would with a sick child.

I suffer from extreme anxiety but ive no choice but to learn new ways to control it .

Im in a place were im trying to accept some responsibility for my lifestyle that could of contributed to it being much worse .I sometimes get angry but I need to understand it and being no were near a psch doctor is a must for the next year.

One said a few weeks ago ive got frontal lobe damage and it put me into a panic for days.I challenged him on this ,these people are throwing out seroius accusations with evidence .

 

My major distraction is nutrition and diet ,our system is up ended with this process so anything to relax our system is good but o respect  this talk mite iritate you in such a bad state.

Trust the mods and yourself ,in thr darkest times watch your favorite comedy shows .

Be safe and take care.

[IanM]

Thanks, powerback. I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety...that can be very hard to cope with. And you're certainly right that staying away from psych doctors is a wise thing to do.

 

When I had GAD all those years ago, I too focused on diet and nutrition, which put me in a good place physical health-wise once I got out of the hospital and started to really heal.

 

If I may ask, how does your anxiety manifest itself? Is in in your head, in your body, or a combination of both?

[powerback]

3 hours ago, IanM said:

Thanks, powerback. I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety...that can be very hard to cope with. And you're certainly right that staying away from psych doctors is a wise thing to do.

 

When I had GAD all those years ago, I too focused on diet and nutrition, which put me in a good place physical health-wise once I got out of the hospital and started to really heal.

 

If I may ask, how does your anxiety manifest itself? Is in in your head, in your body, or a combination of both?

Anxiety in every definition Ian ,I wasn't even aware I had it until I gave up alcohol ,serious self medication going on there for years .Looking back as a kid I was very self conscious .Im becoming much more knowledgeable on the subject ,I've no choice its my nemesis .I get over excited also ,witch needs the same mindfulness approach as worry or over thinking .

I can see now why I never did well in school,it can make someone seem stupid or slow [apologies for these disparaging words ,nothing else comes to mind ] in the sense the HPA axis gets shut down because the brain is fighting an anxiety fire  rather than absorbing information and learning . I need to grieve for this kid that struggled rather than judge and criticise it ,like what teachers and authority figures did back then .

My father has it but he hasn't a clue what it is so I feel sorry for him once I understood it . 

Phew thanks Ian ,got some pain of my chest lol.

I hope your well .keep at it ,wel get there some day .

[Altostrata]

14 hours ago, IanM said:

I need to report that the intensity of my brain dysfunction has decreased, and I'm out of severe crisis mode now, but I remain very guarded because it almost always worsens as the night progresses. I went to bed and wrote in my journal and 'watched' a comedy show, and the deep darkness lifted.

 

I wish I could cry, but it's unsafe for me to do.

 

Thank you all for your responses. 

 

What has been your drug schedule and symptom pattern for the last 24 hours? This is essential.

[IanM]

18 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

What has been your drug schedule and symptom pattern for the last 24 hours? This is essential.

 

I will be posting my daily journal info soon, but it will look almost identical to the day before. In a nutshell, drugs at 8am and 5pm, with brain dysfunction waxing and waning throughout the day. 

[Altostrata]

Did you move the Klonopin?

 

Ian, we need to clarify your objectives here. This is a site for going off drugs. It's not our mission to resolve polypharmacy and get people comfortable on drug cocktails, or to recommend additional drugs.

 

You seem very much inclined to seek additional drugs for the "brain dysfunction" rather than minimize your drug burden. What is it you want to do?

[manymoretodays]

Ian,

What we need to see,

is this kind of drug and symptom journal:

6 a.m. Woke and vomited
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Had diarrhea
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Stomachache
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Headache got worse
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke with headache

(this is just a sample ^)

Note the day.  Time on the left.  Drugs by name, dosages, symptoms on the right.  A bit more specific than drugs at 8am and 5pm, and brain dysfunction waxing and waning throughout the day.  Yet, keep it simple too.  Pick a good time of day, and give it your best try.

I mean I get it......how hard it can be to do the very simple.

Here's the link too:  Drug and symptom journal

You reported a moment last night.......of the darkness lifting!  Yay!

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Some will just do a rating scale, say for anxiety on a scale of 1-10, 1 could be for very low-almost non existent, and then 10 for out of this world freaking out. 

Just like that.

Edited October 23, 2018 by manymoretodays

[IanM]

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Did you move the Klonopin?

 

Ian, we need to clarify your objectives here. This is a site for going off drugs. It's not our mission to resolve polypharmacy and get people comfortable on drug cocktails, or to recommend additional drugs.

 

You seem very much inclined to seek additional drugs for the "brain dysfunction" rather than minimize your drug burden. What is it you want to do?

 

I absolutely want off all my drugs, as may be evident by the wild variation of olanzapine in my signature. I don't deny having a strong urge to up-medicate one or more of my current drugs (not something 'new', which I guess is what my post implied) sometimes because the 'thing' in my mind is so horrendous I feel I need to do something other than ruminating about suicide.

 

I moved the klonopin to 6pm instead of 5pm. I will move it to 7pm tonight, then 8pm tomorrow.

 

[Altostrata]

1 minute ago, IanM said:

I moved the klonopin to 6pm instead of 5pm. I will move it to 7pm tonight, then 8pm tomorrow.

 

So something did change.

 

Ian, your "brain dysfunction" is adverse effects of the drugs. Adding drugs is not going to help.

 

Keep reminding yourself that gradually, you will feel better as you take these drugs in a more rational manner and at lower dosages.

[IanM]

Daily journal for Oct. 22, 2018:

 

8am - 2.5mg olanzapine, 100mg gabapentin, 0.0625mg klonopin. Brain dysfunction, DP/DR, bleak.

9:30am - breakfast.

- whole morning spent on the couch or in bed.

- brain dysfunction continues. Afraid of how my thought processes are working.

1pm - light lunch.

1:30pm - tooth ache, took one tylenol.

- whole afternoon spent on couch, surviving brain dysfunction.

2:40pm - brain dysfunction begins to get really bad. Deep, dark blackness. Very frightening.

- brain dysfunction waxes and wanes, but mostly so awful it's unbearable. Holed up in bedroom just barely surviving.

~4:30pm - brain dysfunction lifts enough to allow me to return to couch.

5pm - 9.375mg lamotrigine, 100mg gabapentin.

6pm - 0.0625mg klonopin. Working towards 8pm.

6:15pm - dinner.

- evening spent on couch, wife watching netflix, I can't watch due to fear of it, so put on headphones and watch british comedy. Brain dysfunction waxes and wanes, but does not become disasterous.

9:30pm - in bed, watch british comedy.

1am - asleep.

5:30am - awake to anxiety/cortisol rush. Stays with me until 7am, lessens when I move to couch. Go back to bed at 9am, close my eyes, and within 10 minutes the whole-body anxiety returns. I stew in it for an hour...it cripples me. Get back up and move to couch.

[IanM]

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

So something did change.

 

Ian, your "brain dysfunction" is adverse effects of the drugs. Adding drugs is not going to help.

 

Keep reminding yourself that gradually, you will feel better as you take these drugs in a more rational manner and at lower dosages.

 

The move of the klonopin was done after my brain got really bad, so not related. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of this.

 

I think I just need time to stabilize on a consistent dose of all 4 of my drugs. But as Spidey said elsewhere, I may not stabilize, and that is frightening.

[manymoretodays]

Good job Ian.  On the drug and symptoms journal.   I see you did one yesterday too.

Are you able to view signatures yet?  You can't view them when using a phone device.  

[IanM]

17 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

Ian,

What we need to see,

is this kind of drug and symptom journal:

6 a.m. Woke and vomited
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Had diarrhea
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Stomachache
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Headache got worse
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke with headache

(this is just a sample ^)

Note the day.  Time on the left.  Drugs by name, dosages, symptoms on the right.  A bit more specific than drugs at 8am and 5pm, and brain dysfunction waxing and waning throughout the day.  Yet, keep it simple too.  Pick a good time of day, and give it your best try.

I mean I get it......how hard it can be to do the very simple.

Here's the link too:  Drug and symptom journal

You reported a moment last night.......of the darkness lifting!  Yay!

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Some will just do a rating scale, say for anxiety on a scale of 1-10, 1 could be for very low-almost non existent, and then 10 for out of this world freaking out. 

Just like that.

 

I have done two such journal entries in here already...one yesterday and one just now.

 

I am certain they will not show any meaningful patterns. My brain dysfunction waxes and wanes independent of drug doses.

[manymoretodays]

Keep them coming in that format.  The journals.  As you make changes each day.

Try, try to stay in the now.......today........each moment.  What becomes frightening is moving into future tripping thoughts.  No need.  Just today.

Try and trust us and this process.  Now.

Something is wonky.....our posts are coming through weird......with the timing.  And I'm signing off here, now.

Have the best day possible.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[IanM]

11 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

Are you able to view signatures yet?  You can't view them when using a phone device.  

 

I am using a phone, so that is unfortunate.

[Spideygsm]

IanM

 

I’m disengaging from this topic because you’re taking everything I say as gospel. I told you I’m not an expert. I only say what I think might help you. Listen to Altostrata and the Moderators. They’re here to help you and provide moral support. 

 

I just share my many experiences. They more drugs I’ve gotten off of, the better I feel. I can tell you there’s natural was to combat withdrawls from drugs. FOR ME, exercise has been the key. I forced myself even on the verge of taking my life to do something that made me feel better. It’s hard. However, there is no measure of the benefits. Once the endorphines are naturally activated, I feel much better. I felt pretty lousy this morning before I went swimming. Now I feel pretty good and relaxed. I’ll probably get another 3 hours of relief before symptoms reappear. However, that’s 4 hours out of my day feeling normal to me. It’s tough. I live in very little sleep, have difficulty going outside in public, and I hate people. It’s way better FOR ME to force myself to do this everyday than sit home thinking what a piece of s***t I am and how bad I feel. It ends up giving me 4 hours of being comfortable. When I start feeling bad again, I do something else. It takes work and effort. 

 

Whether it takes you a day, week, month, or year, it’s worth it to get off drugs. Especially Benzodiazepines and ZYPREXA. 2 of the worst. Altostrata said it best. Hang in there and eventually the withdrawals will slowly subside. Everybody is different. 

 

Good luck and be strong. 

[IanM]

7 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

Keep them coming in that format.  The journals.  As you make changes each day.

 

I will not be making any changes for a bit... I'm just going to try to stabilize.

 

I will definitely be seeking advice about where to start tapering...the sooner the better.

[IanM]

3 minutes ago, Spideygsm said:

IanM

 

I’m disengaging from this topic because you’re taking everything I say as gospel.

 

I don't think I have done any such thing, but I understand if you disengage. Conflict is the last thing I need right now.

[manymoretodays]

4 minutes ago, IanM said:

 

I will not be making any changes for a bit... I'm just going to try to stabilize.

 

I will definitely be seeking advice about where to start tapering...the sooner the better.

 

I'm back.  For a moment.  Give us a daily journal entry anyway......okay.  That's what guides us in giving any advice, suggestions, on tapering.

Best.

[manymoretodays]

34 minutes ago, IanM said:

 

I absolutely want off all my drugs, as may be evident by the wild variation of olanzapine in my signature. I don't deny having a strong urge to up-medicate one or more of my current drugs (not something 'new', which I guess is what my post implied) sometimes because the 'thing' in my mind is so horrendous I feel I need to do something other than ruminating about suicide.

 

I moved the klonopin to 6pm instead of 5pm. I will move it to 7pm tonight, then 8pm tomorrow. 

 

 

34 minutes ago, IanM said:

Daily journal for Oct. 22, 2018:

 

8am - 2.5mg olanzapine, 100mg gabapentin, 0.0625mg klonopin. Brain dysfunction, DP/DR, bleak.

9:30am - breakfast.

- whole morning spent on the couch or in bed.

- brain dysfunction continues. Afraid of how my thought processes are working.

1pm - light lunch.

1:30pm - tooth ache, took one tylenol.

- whole afternoon spent on couch, surviving brain dysfunction.

2:40pm - brain dysfunction begins to get really bad. Deep, dark blackness. Very frightening.

- brain dysfunction waxes and wanes, but mostly so awful it's unbearable. Holed up in bedroom just barely surviving.

~4:30pm - brain dysfunction lifts enough to allow me to return to couch.

5pm - 9.375mg lamotrigine, 100mg gabapentin.

6pm - 0.0625mg klonopin. Working towards 8pm.

6:15pm - dinner.

- evening spent on couch, wife watching netflix, I can't watch due to fear of it, so put on headphones and watch british comedy. Brain dysfunction waxes and wanes, but does not become disasterous.

9:30pm - in bed, watch british comedy.

1am - asleep.

5:30am - awake to anxiety/cortisol rush. Stays with me until 7am, lessens when I move to couch. Go back to bed at 9am, close my eyes, and within 10 minutes the whole-body anxiety returns. I stew in it for an hour...it cripples me. Get back up and move to couch.

 

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Spideygsm said:

IanM

 

I’m disengaging from this topic because you’re taking everything I say as gospel. I told you I’m not an expert. I only say what I think might help you. Listen to Altostrata and the Moderators. They’re here to help you and provide moral support. 

 

I just share my many experiences. They more drugs I’ve gotten off of, the better I feel. I can tell you there’s natural was to combat withdrawls from drugs. FOR ME, exercise has been the key. I forced myself even on the verge of taking my life to do something that made me feel better. It’s hard. However, there is no measure of the benefits. Once the endorphines are naturally activated, I feel much better. I felt pretty lousy this morning before I went swimming. Now I feel pretty good and relaxed. I’ll probably get another 3 hours of relief before symptoms reappear. However, that’s 4 hours out of my day feeling normal to me. It’s tough. I live in very little sleep, have difficulty going outside in public, and I hate people. It’s way better FOR ME to force myself to do this everyday than sit home thinking what a piece of s***t I am and how bad I feel. It ends up giving me 4 hours of being comfortable. When I start feeling bad again, I do something else. It takes work and effort. 

 

Whether it takes you a day, week, month, or year, it’s worth it to get off drugs. Especially Benzodiazepines and ZYPREXA. 2 of the worst. Altostrata said it best. Hang in there and eventually the withdrawals will slowly subside. Everybody is different. 

 

Good luck and be strong. 

This touched my heart Spideygsm ,its funny how we think of ourselves like this ,I actually had a day of feeling nice and respectful of myself ,I dressed nicely and went to the shops to buy winter clothes ,all under extreme tiredness .you wouldn't know to look at me how sick and tired I was .as you said spidey it lasted a while .

Take care .

[powerback]

1 hour ago, IanM said:

 

I absolutely want off all my drugs, as may be evident by the wild variation of olanzapine in my signature. I don't deny having a strong urge to up-medicate one or more of my current drugs (not something 'new', which I guess is what my post implied) sometimes because the 'thing' in my mind is so horrendous I feel I need to do something other than ruminating about suicide.

 

I moved the klonopin to 6pm instead of 5pm. I will move it to 7pm tonight, then 8pm tomorrow.

 

I've texted the Samaritans before Ian ,it filled and entertained what was going on at the time .get a healthy tool kit[symptoms and selfcare section ]  together .do anything but entertain suicide thinking .

Put your trust in others and fellow sufferers,[I know the last club we want to members of ] .

Everybody is routing for each other on this site and judgement is the last thing on anyone's mind . 

Don't let guilt or shame near your thinking .

You say you like comedy panel shows ,comedians irritate me lately but 8 months ago I was in tears laughing at norm McDonald for weeks  ,hes a Canadian also as yourself .I loved when you was on youtube but he's gone and got himself on Netflix .

Take care and be safe. 

[IanM]

I am slipping down again, and am getting terrified. The downturn has started 4 hours earlier than yesterday. I don't know what is causing this, but it's intolerable. It's gotta be the lamotrigine, as this constant battle in my mind began shortly after starting that drug some three months ago. 

 

I'm seriously considering doing a rapid taper off the drug, perhaps over the course of 10 days. I've been on 9.375mg since October 8, previously at 12.5mg for 2.5 months. If I halve that for 10 days, then discontinue it, maybe I'll get relief from this madness. I can't feel any worse than where I know I'm heading right now, so what's the difference?

 

I've read several stories elsewhere that indicate getting off this drug is easy, comparatively. 

 

Will you guys still offer me support if I do this against your usual recommendations?