IanM: introduction

[IanM]

4 hours ago, Shep said:

 

I wish there was an easier answer, but I would be very hesitant to risk an updose at this point. 

Could you please tell me what the risks might be?

[Altostrata]

@Shep thanks for your post.

 

Ian, we are not going to support a benzo updose for you. If you updose the benzo, I will ban you. Your situation is complicated enough as it is without additional benzo side effects.

 

DO NOT MAKE ME TELL YOU THIS AGAIN.

 

I find it very disrespectful that after promising to post only your daily drug and symptom notes, you have the nerve to argue about privileges you attribute to other people.

 

You should realize that you are terrible at self-medicating. You've gotten yourself into this. You're not going to get out of it without growing some self-discipline. Don't post again today unless it's your daily drug and symptom notes.

 

No arguing.

[sunnylou]

Yes the burning from Gabapentin WD went with movement but when still especially propped up against pillows on the bed it would be very intense. When I jumped back up to my normal 900mg from 300mg the burning took 6 weeks to stop. All my nerve pain which is what it was prescribed for came back as well but just the same disappeared again in 6weeks.

[sunnylou]

I realise you have a lot to work on but just to say, as I noticed you said you would be willing to do a quick taper off Gabapentin, that I seriously under estimated Gabapentin. I have some experience of tapering, including benzos a few years ago but this was something else. So like all the other medications it is best to taper slowly and safely. Something I should have known already! Hopefully you will soon be on your way to a slow and steady taper plan.

[IanM]

I am mere hours away from taking my life. I can't go to the hospital because they will just send me home, same as they did last time, telling me there's nothing they can do for me. And they would just put me on more drugs anyway.

The suffering is unbearable.

Can someone please talk to me.

[Spideygsm]

IanM

 

I don’t know where you’re from. Call or chat in this Crisis Line:

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

I’m  speaking from experience. If you go to the emergency room and tell them you’re suicidal, you’ll be admitted without question. 

 

Contact the Crisis Line and they’ll help. I don’t think anybody in SA are expert enough to talk you through this. Get professional help

 

Good luck

[Altostrata]

Ian, you need to get face-to-face psychotherapy help for your constant catastrophizing. If you are feeling suicidal, contact a crisis line, as Spidey said, or go to the hospital.

 

We're only an online forum, we cannot help you with emergencies.

 

You haven't supplied your daily symptom notes. We need to see the effect of the change in olanzapine dosing. Olanzapine is probably your main problem.

 

If you're arguing you must take more Klonopin because you're desperate, you may need to check into an addiction center, we can't help you here.

[India]

 Ian, Sorry to hear you are going through this hell! Try to imagine/visualise this passing and use of the crisis lines, they can be great to get you through. I also find trying to stay in the moment helpful. Projecting ahead can cause more anguish. Remember many have gone before you and come out the other side. One step at a time. I found it helpful to watch these. Also, try listening to DrClaire Weekes that really helped in my darkest hours. Also, mindfulness meditations on youtube. It is horrible to be dealing with such distress. I've found my ability to function so reduced also.

 

[IanM]

Just a quick post to say that I'm still alive, and that after two trips to psychiatric emergency, I am home and now on a different, and I would argue worse, drug regime. On the first day of my first admission to hospital, they pulled me off all my drugs (2.5mg olanzapine, 1.25mg clonazapam, 200mg gabapentin and 6.25mg lamotrigine) and put me on 2mg of ativan. I was discharged after 7 days, and after being home for maybe a couple of weeks, I went completely tilt in the middle of the night and had to be taken back to emerg via ambulance (complete with police escort), wherein I asked for a dose of olanzapine. The olanzapine made all the insanity go away. But they refused to prescribe it, saying there was no way stopping 2.5mg of olanzapine could cause what happened to me. They sent me home again the same day, but with a prescription for tapering the ativan over 2 months...I have no control over this.

I have put myself back on 1.25mg of olanzapine (from a supply I had left over) and am sleeping again, 4 hours, with anxiety upon waking.

 

I have no idea where I am heading, but it goes without saying I am frightened.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear you're still alive, Ian. What do you want from this site?

[Tanha]

On 10/22/2018 at 3:12 AM, IanM said:

There is another disturbing and distressing aspect to my 'illness' that I have not seen anyone mention anywhere, and that is an inability to watch anything on TV, or read almost anything on the internet or in books. When I attempt to do these things, I get the most irrational fear washing over my brain, and my brain goes into almost full meltdown. As always, I can't properly describe what happens, but it's terrifying (and that's not hyperbole).

 

I have a select few shows I can watch in reasonable safety, namely British comedy panel shows, and only a single web site I can read (other than this one) that is about virtual reality (a subject/hobby I love, but can no longer participate in, other than reading about it).

 

Also, I absolutely cannot listen to music...it also sends my brain into a tail-spin.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Hi ianM,

 

yes, I can relate to this. 

 

I am so glad you mention this.

 

i do not take olanzapine but quetiapine which is similar.

 

all you said is absolutely impossible to do for me for exact the same reasons. 

 

I thought akathisia is giving me a specific anxiety and restlessness and I have brainfog, too. 

I cannot watch a single show on tv. No music either.

 

bad stuff.

 

how are you today?

[Aquarius]

I can relate to this as well if you read some of the success stories there are some that state in the early days of withdrawal they could not read listen to music or watch certain programmes on tv i think it is fairly common as we are in a such sensitised state you are not alone

[Tanha]

2 hours ago, Aquarius said:

I can relate to this as well if you read some of the success stories there are some that state in the early days of withdrawal they could not read listen to music or watch certain programmes on tv i think it is fairly common as we are in a such sensitised state you are not alone

Thank you for sharing Aquarius.

it is so important to find distraction but this is not easy. no good for people with depression.

[Spideygsm]

The thing that worked best for me and still works is any type of exercise. Get out and walk, swim, lift weights, run, bike, anything. I like swimming. It takes my mind off everything, activates the the endorphins that helps the brain heal, and even after finishing I get 2-3 hour of feeling much better.

 

I know it's hard. You have to force yourself to do it. Do you want to speed up the recovery, do you want 2-4 hours of relief. Force yourself to get out and do something. Sitting in the house thinking about how bad you feel does nothing but make things work. 

 

I'm not a quitter. I started my Zyprexa taper last December and took my last dose this past March. I'm actually having really bad sleep problems right now. My insomnia came back like it was during withdrawals. However, never going back to what I was on before. I'm going to start withdrawing from Trazodone next. It's not helping and the sleep hangover feeling sucks.

 

Hang in there

[India]

I wonder what happened to Ian?

[IanM]

Hello everyone. I am back again and still very unwell, unfortunately. I will keep this post brief.

 

I read over all of my intro posts and I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour. My sincere apologies to everyone. 

 

A lot has happened to me since I last posted many months ago, but I'm sadly not in a mental state to outline it all right at the moment. Maybe I can manage it sometime in the future, or report it in dribs and drabs.

 

I hope you are all doing well and/or improving.

[Altostrata]

Understood, Ian. How are you doing now?

[IanM]

Hi Altostrata. I wish I had something good to report, but sadly I don't. Minute by minute survival.

Thanks.

[Altostrata]

What are your symptoms? Are you still taking Klonopin? If so, how often?

[IanM]

A deep, black anger/depression, severe head pressure and pain.

 

About 10 months ago, I had to go to emergency due to total collapse from months of continual rage with akathesia. I told them I was certain it was caused by olanzapine and klonopin. The doctor was angry at me, and cold-turkeyed me from all drugs (olanz, K and gabapentin).

 

I then agreed to 10 rounds of ECT, with 50mg seroquel added in. I coped for several months after ECT, but still very ill, then started a too-rapid taper of seroquel. I am currently on 18.75mg seroquel, after tapering down from 50 over 3 months. Intensity of head symptoms are beyond survivable, but I am still alive. 

 

Sleep pattern is bad: alternating nights of 1 hour sleep, then maybe 4-5 hours. Nights where I have more sleep result in substantially worse head symptoms the following day...troubling to say the least.

And napping/waking up from napping is so horrific I don't allow myself to do it. Basically, afraid to sleep, afraid to be awake.

 

 

[IanM]

I should note also that in the last 9 months, I've undergone 3 rounds of antibiotics (keflex) for sinus and throat infections, as well as a single dose of ciprofloxacin for a prostate biopsy (a procedure I barely made it through due to severe agorophobia, and have cancelled two MRIs due to same, so prostate cancer still looms over me. Biopsy was negative, but only 30% meaningful according to the doctor.).

[Spideygsm]

Hey IanM,

 

How’s it going? I haven’t been on SA too much lately. I’m on one drug. Trazodone. I want to get off but don’t have the energy right now. My withdrawal symptoms from Olanzopine are gone. Totally worth the 1-1/2 year torture. Last year I spent almost 3 months in the mental hospital. They tried putting me on medications but I refused. I spent 3 weeks on lock-down then the VA sent me to intensive inpatient counseling program. It really helped helped me.

 

I told you in the past it’s difficult to get off Olanzapine and Klonipin. Those are really the only two drugs for me that took everything I had in me to stop taking. I will stop Trazodon soon. 
 

I know Altostrata asked you what you were taking. I’d be interested to know. 
 

Have you ever tried psychotherapy? I was always a sceptic but it really works.
 

Regards 

[Altostrata]

Ian, what times of day do you take Seroquel? What effect does it have on you?

[IanM]

Alto:

For seroquel, I take 6.25mg at 7am, 1pm and 7pm. 

 

I really have no idea what effect it has on me, but when I've reduced it (typically by 6.25mg), my symptoms intensify or morph into something new and more unbearable.

 

The only other things I take are magnesium glycinate and fish oil, always at bedtime, and then sporadically throughout the day, for what it's worth. I don't think they offer any benefit, other than placebo (which is not nothing).

 

[Spideygsm]

3 hours ago, IanM said:

A deep, black anger/depression, severe head pressure and pain.

 

About 10 months ago, I had to go to emergency due to total collapse from months of continual rage with akathesia. I told them I was certain it was caused by olanzapine and klonopin. The doctor was angry at me, and cold-turkeyed me from all drugs (olanz, K and gabapentin).

 

I then agreed to 10 rounds of ECT, with 50mg seroquel added in. I coped for several months after ECT, but still very ill, then started a too-rapid taper of seroquel. I am currently on 18.75mg seroquel, after tapering down from 50 over 3 months. Intensity of head symptoms are beyond survivable, but I am still alive. 

 

Sleep pattern is bad: alternating nights of 1 hour sleep, then maybe 4-5 hours. Nights where I have more sleep result in substantially worse head symptoms the following day...troubling to say the least.

And napping/waking up from napping is so horrific I don't allow myself to do it. Basically, afraid to sleep, afraid to be awake.

 

 

IanM,

 

I've had  70 rounds of ECT’s. They’re a modern lobotomy. You can always refuse to take new medications. Seroquel can be just as bad as Olanzapine. I took Seroquel years ago. Made me feel too sedated. I took it at bedtime so I was less spacey during the day. 
 

I’m not a doctor and don’t understand anything but what I’ve experienced. For a very small group of people, they do need drugs to live such as schizophrenia. I just think anti-psychotics and benzodiazepines are way over prescribed to people who should never be on drugs in the first place. Then the person ends up getting hooked on these dangerous drugs, and end up with way more problems associated with the side effects. 
 

Be strong Ian. A psychologist helps. I still see one every week. 

[IanM]

8 minutes ago, Spideygsm said:

IanM,

 

I've had  70 rounds of ECT’s. They’re a modern lobotomy. You can always refuse to take new medications. Seroquel can be just as bad as Olanzapine. I took Seroquel years ago. Made me feel too sedated. I took it at bedtime so I was less spacey during the day. 
 

I’m not a doctor and don’t understand anything but what I’ve experienced. For a very small group of people, they do need drugs to live such as schizophrenia. I just think anti-psychotics and benzodiazepines are way over prescribed to people who should never be on drugs in the first place. Then the person ends up getting hooked on these dangerous drugs, and end up with way more problems associated with the side effects. 
 

Be strong Ian. A psychologist helps. I still see one every week. 

 

Thanks, Spidey. I'm far too unwell to do therapy right now. I can barely use the washroom because it instills a sort of satanic fear in me (not exaggerating), let alone go outside for anything but emergencies (my wife drives, I keep my head down).

 

 

[IanM]

I have read several articles about a possible link between fish oil (omega-3s) and prostate cancer. It makes me wonder if my high PSA numbers are related.

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, IanM said:

I have read several articles about a possible link between fish oil (omega-3s) and prostate cancer. It makes me wonder if my high PSA numbers are related.

 

Very doubtful. Can you get a less distressing test for prostate cancer, such as ultrasound instead of MRI?

 

What are your head symptoms? Are they worse at any particular times of day? Overall, how have your symptoms changed in the last 6 months?

 

Why are you taking Seroquel in divided doses?

[IanM]

3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

Very doubtful. Can you get a less distressing test for prostate cancer, such as ultrasound instead of MRI?

 

What are your head symptoms? Are they worse at any particular times of day? Overall, how have your symptoms changed in the last 6 months?

 

Why are you taking Seroquel in divided doses?

 

I've had an ultrasound as part of a biopsy, showed enlargement but nothing else remarkable.

 

My head symptoms are difficult to describe succinctly, and I have yet to read other peoples' symptoms that cover all mine. I'll start with the usual things that cycle from day to day: black depression, strong mental agitation/anxiety (hard to describe), complete anhedonia that makes even simple bodily functions/care difficult (washroom/showers), DP/DR, skull pressure so strong I sometimes bang my head with my hands in an effort to make it stop, frequent dibilitating headaches, painful sinuses, all my teeth hurt, ears ache and pop (but doctor says there's no infection), and probably other things I'm forgetting.

 

The real bad thing, though, is a deep, awful anger that is not tied to any thoughts or external stressors. It is with me continually at various degrees of severity, but always at least a 5/10, with 10 being the worst. It wakes me every night, no matter if I get one hour sleep or four, it's the reason I wake up.

There's more, but I think the above paints a pretty good picture.

 

The symptoms wax and wane though out the day, but 4pm is what I call 'the witching hour' because invariably the symptoms get much worse around then, and worsen as the night progresses.

 

These symptoms have gotten progressively worse since my ECT about 9 months ago (after a 3-month, post-ECT spell that was more survivable).

 

I will say that I have had three 'windows' in the last nine months (more like shattered windows, but windows nonetheless) where I was able to go outside by myself for short walks. These windows lasted about 8-10 days.

 

And finally, I take the seroquel in divided doses in an effort to prevent inter-dose withdrawals, and at 7pm at the latest because I am wanting to get sleep with less drug in my head. I was taking it all at bedtime for months, but my sleep was still bad, or worse, than it is now.

 

Sorry about too many words...and thanks for the reply.

 

[RusTW]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

 

Very doubtful. Can you get a less distressing test for prostate cancer, such as ultrasound instead of MRI?

 

What are your head symptoms? Are they worse at any particular times of day? Overall, how have your symptoms changed in the last 6 months?

 

Why are you taking Seroquel in divided doses?

Get a MRI for prostate. It's the only gold standard. I have prostate cancer and my PSA was 2.8.low grade cancer though.It took forever for them to find it.

How is your sleep?

[IanM]

6 minutes ago, RusTW said:

Get a MRI for prostate. It's the only gold standard. I have prostate cancer and my PSA was 2.8.low grade cancer though.It took forever for them to find it.

How is your sleep?

 

Hi RusTW,

 

I have canceled two MRIs because I am terrified to leave the house, and more terrified to be in a hospital and the MRI machine. I can't man up, I am non-functional.

 

I actually don't care if I have cancer. The distressing part is I wouldn't be able to leave the house to treat it.

 

My PSA was 9, last time it was checked. Takes all my strength to get blood tests, sets me back days from distress of being out.

 

My sleep alternates days between 1 hour and maybe 3-4, sometimes 5. The nights I get more, the worse my day is, by a long shot. Troubling, to say the least.

 

[Spideygsm]

Sounds exactly like the Olanzapine withdrawls I had that lasted about 3 months after my last dose. The lessened at the 3 month mark but there’d come and go for about 1-1/2 years. 
 

You’ve self medicated (started-stopped drugs, changed you dose) so many times, I think your brain doesn’t know what to do. 

I told you in the past, you’ve gotta muster everything you have and get outside. Even if it’s just for a walk. 

[RusTW]

14 hours ago, IanM said:

 

Hi RusTW,

 

I have canceled two MRIs because I am terrified to leave the house, and more terrified to be in a hospital and the MRI machine. I can't man up, I am non-functional.

 

I actually don't care if I have cancer. The distressing part is I wouldn't be able to leave the house to treat it.

 

My PSA was 9, last time it was checked. Takes all my strength to get blood tests, sets me back days from distress of being out.

 

My sleep alternates days between 1 hour and maybe 3-4, sometimes 5. The nights I get more, the worse my day is, by a long shot. Troubling, to say the least.

 

I understand that.You will overcome this gradually. A 9 psa is high.get the mri.

I have most of those symptoms you have explained. I'm on seroquel as well .37.5

Your sleep is like mine also.my body is tough though.im used to this ****.

Maybe try to move slowly to 1 dose before bed.broken up I assume it's not effective. 

Getting out will help the symptoms. Start slow.move those toxins out. Those drugs stagnate in your body and shape it.

[Altostrata]

I am sorry you were sent for ECT. Have you had a possible sinus infection investigated?

 

Quote

Drug history: various SSRIs (all of which made me much worse)

 

How did these make you worse? What was your original complaint?

 

What is your sleep pattern?

[IanM]

24 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

I am sorry you were sent for ECT. Have you had a possible sinus infection investigated?

 

 

How did these make you worse? What was your original complaint?

 

What is your sleep pattern?

 

ECT damaged my sinuses, but pdoc won't acknowledge it (even though another ECT patient that was there with me also complained about messed up sinuses). Half way through the 10-course ECT treatment, I started to get a river of mucus pouring down my throat. I had to carry a spit pot with me at all times or I'd drown in my own mucus. Thankfully, the mucus river subsided to a slow trickle after about 4 months.

 

I have never had sinus issues before ECT, basically wasn't aware I even had sinuses in 56 years, if that makes sense. I've had three sinus infections after ECT, two of which I took antibiotics for, the third, ointment in my nose. Also got strep throat on a separate occasion.

 

Antidepressants ramped up my anxiety to crazy levels, made me very dizzy, and generally feel 'strange'.

Original complaint: full mental collapse, loss of control over my thoughts. Basically, intrusive, irrational scary thoughts that I had no control over. I still have this.

 

As for sleep, I alternate nights: one night, 1 hour sleep, with deep anger or rage the rest of the night. The next night, maybe 3-5 hours sleep, also with anger/rage the remainder of the night. Rinse and repeat. Curiously, the nights where I get 1 hour sleep, my day is more survivable, symptom-wise.

 

[Altostrata]

Antibiotics can trigger waves of anxiety, etc.  too.

 

1 hour ago, IanM said:

As for sleep, I alternate nights: one night, 1 hour sleep, with deep anger or rage the rest of the night. The next night, maybe 3-5 hours sleep, also with anger/rage the remainder of the night. Rinse and repeat. Curiously, the nights where I get 1 hour sleep, my day is more survivable, symptom-wise.

 

How long has this pattern been going on? What is your sleep schedule?