☼ lad101: will I ever heal from these symptoms?

[lad101]

hey, i have been experiencing some really bad distress lately. i was put on lexapro 10mg in april 2017 for depression at 18 years old. after one month i experienced the all familiar sexual dysfunction, but since it seemed to give me some relief, i continued to take it, as this was also a stressfull part of my life, with exams during my final school year. after 6-7 months on lexapro i decided i have had enough and quit the medication cold turkey. my immediate withdrawals werent so bad. i felt a sense of light headedness during the day which only lasted about 2 seconds each time, paired with restlessness. it lasted for about a month until it was over. i got on remeron 2 months later and only stayed on it for about 2,5 months before i tapered it over a period of 4 weeks with no symptoms really. 

 

now its close to over 8 months since i quit lexapro and i still have some form of sexual function. i cant get erect through thoughts and images, and need physical stimulation either by me or my girlfriend. when im erect i also have very little senseitvity in my penis. at best its a slight ticklish feeling on the penis head. my erections are sometimes hard, but also vanish quickly, though i have had some recent success with the use of cockrings for harder and long lasting erections.

 

my other major symptom is emotional numbness. at the moment i can feel anxiety, sadness through periods of crying, which mostly is triggered by the thought that this is gonna be permanent, and i will never have a fucntion body and brain again. i can still laugh and smile, but it all feels sort of fake and artifical. i havent experienced joy that could be with my for days and get me through several days at the time since i started this medication. the feelings of happiness i get is only in my thoughts, as in i know i should be happy about something, but i dont feel it in my body, just my mind, i dont get a body high from emotions to put it another way. after i started meditating during my remeron taper was about the same time i started seeing my current gf, and i could feel some form of sexual energy going through me parts of the day, and during meditation. it didnt even have to be fully sexual, just her sitting on my lap or w/e, and i would start to get horny and get a small erection going for a bit. it calmed me down in the moment because i already knew about pssd and feared the worst, however that has since dissappered, and hasnt returned for a couple of months.

 

im really looking for answers as my GP and psychiatrist dont believe this really exist, or it is a result of depression. i know for a fact i am not depressed, becuase i rememeber the day i woke up with depression as a day with a gray feeling in chest, sort of where i would get that infaction feel when you crush on someone. that feeling is not present now, and i feel that its just the emotions lacking at this point. for my symptoms i just did a bloodcheck for hormones like test to see if those are the causes for genital numbness, but i doubt it.

 

im writing this short story because im really getting worried that my life will never be like it used to. i will never experience happiness from talking to someone or seeing them again, i will never feel pleasure from sex, which has been pretty barren since i got together with my gf, we only managed it two times. im either not erect enough or losing it just as im inserting the penis, but my psychiatrist says its just mental, which it might very well be to a certain extent. im honestly just looking for some reassurense from someone that this will be over at some point. im hoping it wont 3-5 years like many success stories i read, but if thats the case, so be it. im will be happy if i will get back to normal at some point before my mid to late twenties, becasue i honestly dont think i can go on like this forever, this is just torture. the worst and most raging part about my AD journey was that my doctor assured me that lexapro was "neutral" in his word, and side effects were minor, and i took it because of me being in a vunerable posistion and needing some relief, but now i think im in this for the long run, or the rest of my life, but thats not really an option. i just feel tricked and scammed down to the worst level, even tho i can barely feel anything, i can feel so much anger towards that GP.

 

i dont know how this story reads, because english isnt my native language, but im just looking if anyone can tell me this will be okay and that in years i can write my complete success story, though i dont know what to expect in the coming months or years.

please excuse any silly mistakes, this was written in a hurry and i just want some feedback to hopefully calm my mind. 

[Petunia]

Welcome lad101,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, unfortunately its not uncommon for withdrawal symptoms, including PSSD, to last for quite a long time after the drug has been stopped.

 

The good news is that you will recover eventually, I can't tell you how long it will take though. The best thing to do is to get on with your life for now, the best you can, try not to focus on what you can't do, but put your energy into the things you can do, your good feelings and function will come back when they are ready to.

 

Here a some topics related to your symptoms:

 

Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation, emotional numbness - Symptoms ...

PSSD Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Many people find  fish oil and magnesium helpful, see King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) andMagnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker

 

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

 

Petunia

 

[Daisy]

Off subject, Ladd1, but your post was beautifully written and to the point.

Daisy

[lad101]

hey again, i think i have some positive news, maybe you guys can confirm if its going in the right direction. my girlfriend and me seem to finally have figured out this sex thing and we make it work on the regular without much problems, or no problems at all actually. when it comes to sensation its still a bit weak, but i can definitely feel friction to a certain extent, but the lack of proper friction might be because of the condoms, but she is thinking about going on birth controll so ill be sure to post back whats it like with condoms. i still have trouble reaching orgasm, as in the feeling that goes through your entire body, but its not my biggest concern atm because sex still feels good and i feel i know for a fact im not completly ruined down there, thank god. 

 

whats weird is this whole ordeal these last week to two weeks began after a period of three days where i was majorly unstable, especially during nighttime. i think it was mostly connected to me stressing about my life never getting back to the same plain after the ssri use. after the three days i was much much calmer without the use of any medication. now these unstable days consisted of a lot of anger towards the GP that gave me this and essentially tricked me into taking it under the guise of no lasting side effects, and im gonna be honest it was pretty extreme. i feel like the feelings i had of anger and despair during those times are akin to those who commit suicide on an impulse from depression, with say a gunshot to the head, instead of planning it for a long time. but im gonna be clear that i was a long way from that "level" of despair, but i was kinda in the early stages, but then again this is just me trying to communciate my feelings as best as i can, so i cant really speak with certainty, as i have never been so "low" myself.

now when it comes to my libido and sexual feelings, this week i have felt an ever so slight return of the sexual energy i spoke of in my original post. i can feel my erection forming while having sexual thoughts, and me watching my girlfriend from afar, not touching her, just watching her also made me aroused to a certain extent, which was not possible say a month or so ago. 

 

personally i also feel im a bit more smiley when talking to strangers during my days, and i also took my braces off just yesterday so it feels more welcoming to smile i guess. but i have question for all those who read my post aswell. i have been having a bit trouble becoming sleepy since i quit remeron. i have no trouble falling asleep at nighttime, it just takes about an hour, which has almost always been the case with me. its just i dont ever get tired it seems, so i asked my doctor for some melatonin to get me in the bedtime mode. im curious if someone knows if this has any negative impact on my recovery at all, or if its safe to take, because the last thing i want now is to go back to zero. 

 

other than my recovery im currently looking for a job which has proven very hard. sent out tons of applications, but no interviews ever, just the generic "we thank you for your appliaction blah blah blah, we had many other candidates blah blah blah, and we went with someone else". but im guessing this is just a numbers game, and im gonna up the amount of jobs i reply tommrow and through next week. 

[lad101]

forgot to mention that my emotinall numbness feels sort of unchanged, but im not really sure, im gonna have to give it some more time to come to a conclusion. i also havent smoke cannabis in over three weeks, so im not sure if this is a contributing factor or not, but im having no cravings this last week for anything mind altering really, so i guess its a plus.

[Daisy]

Good to know things are better for you right now. Hang on to that and remember them on a not so great day.

Daisy🌻

[lad101]

im having a small window atm i think, some stuff down there has started to work a bit better and i think i have regained some sensetivity. i can get aroused from thoughts to a certain degree, tho i cant take it all the way. 

 

im gonna start using this site as a log for my progress, as i have found that reading all of these stories and comments just make me anxious and depressed.

[Clatterbust]

hey lad101,

 

how are you doing?

[lad101]

hey man, sorry for a late response. things have been going really well actually. it seems most if not all symptoms have dissappeared,. i have since taken up school to finish the last subjects i need for the norwegian equivalent of a highschool diploma.  it went really well this fall, i just need to focus on my two german exams this spring and then im going to folk school. 

 

now im gonna be honest, i know for a fact my sexual sympompts have passed. im just a regular 20 year old guy at this point, no trouble down stairs as it should be. i have been working at a gas station for 8 months or so now so all social anxiety with strangers have vansished. still have some when it comes to people i see on the regular, like classmates and such, but its always been like that for me, and i know it just takes time for me to be comforable. now back when i was on ssris and remeron i had a big cannabis problem. of course i didnt see it myself, and i could quit anytime i wanted. it was all lies i told myself obviously. now that im going to school and working i dont feel any need to partake like i used to. im guessing its because of all the responsobilites. i moved out in late summer and im still living alone. 

 

all these self crippling thoughts i remember i had a year ago have all dissappered. it feels like i cracked this code of sorts. after meditating 20-30 mins every day for 7 months i became really good at just cutting the stem of any negative thought that i knew could spiral downwords. now im not quite sure about the emotinal numbness still. its hard for me to tell because at this point in my life i kinda put most of the social aspect of life on hold until i get that diploma. i still talk to friends and stuff but i dont really partake in bigger gatherings. i dont really like alcohol since i have had the opportunity to try a lot of different things becuase of the ciricles i was a part of earlier in my life. it boils down to me not feeling like i get anything out from it, the expereience of drinking alchohol that is. im feeling like im missing out a bit, but i know its gonna help me in the long run i guess. 

 

sorry if there are any obvious spelling mistakes, i just couldnt be bothered to spellcheck. 

[Carmie]

Hi lad, 

 

Thanks for checking in. Great to hear you’re doing so well. 💚

[Carmie]

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!