deejay: 34 years old recovery in process

[deejay]

Moderator note: link to benzo thread - deejay: benzo salad

 

I was taking Zoloft 200mg for 12 years since I was 22 years old (now 34) I did an extremely foolish thing by stopping cold turkey for 4 months in Oct 2017.

 

For the first 3 months I was ok, low mood but ok but the 4 month spiralled out of control very quickly. By the end I was having all these tremors, crying all day and looking back now I knew something was terribly wrong, It wasn't just re-occurrence of depression, it was my brain crying out for help.

 

March 3rd 2018 I took my regular 200g dose and I felt really good again. Zoloft has always been like that for me, instant, regardless what the dr's say.

 

Anyway I thought everything was going to be fine again because I felt like the last 4 months never happened and I was back to normal, that's how good I felt but was I wrong. something happened to me the next day which has changed my life for ever. A little under 24 hours after taking the first dose I started to feel abit funny, very hard to describe, like a feeling it was wearing off but very strange and I did not feel too good at all. I didn't pay too much attention to it and went on the laptop roughly an hour later and then something happened to me.

 

All of a sudden my head went all funny and my heart started pounding out of my chest, it was that bad my whole body was to the point of convulsing to the rapid beat. Then all of a sudden this extremely terribly chemically burning feeling came over my whole body and I could not sit still. it was extremely painful. All of a sudden anxiety shot through the roof like never before and this feeling of absolute terror came over me. I ended up in the E.D where they gave me Valium and sent me home where I went to bed at 11pm.

 

Woke up the following morning at 4am with a sleep disturbance to all these voices in my head but I couldn't make out what they were saying and heard someone calling my name, I thought I was going mad. Little did I realize that this was the point my life had been ruined for ever. For the last 3 months I have been going through hell on earth.

 

The Zoloft no longer works anymore and my mind/body has been left in absolute ruin. Something happened to my brain on the 3rd and it has damaged my sleep, my eye sight has been severely affected, my hearing has been affected and that's just the start. I have been on a cocktail of sleeping tablets and benzo's but nothing will help me. It has gotten to the point where I am in physical pain 24 hours a day. Burning, stabbing pains, numbness, pins and needles, constant sweats, chills, nerve pain.

 

The anxiety is debilitating, I cannot sit still, I am in a state of panic all the time and absolutely terrified to sleep because of all the horrific nightmares and the nocturnal panic attacks. That's just the physical side, mentally I am hallucinating all the time and am now on 250mg Seroquel/day. My mind has been turned to absolute mush. I don't take drugs or drink but my face looks like it has gained an extra 20 years in the last 3 months with the severe black bags under my eyes. I cannot do anything anymore,

 

I relied on the Zoloft for so long, and now that it no longer works i just cannot function. Suicidal thoughts are with me every day. How could I have done this to my self, I wish I could take back the last 7 months and not have gone off them cold turkey. My life has been ruined for ever. I have been talking to the Psych and he cannot understand what has happened to me, he said going off the Zoloft wouldn't have caused all this but I know it has. My whole life flashed before my eyes every single day, a life that i know is now gone forever. I have come completely detatched and it is horrible.

 

my family are trying to support me the best way they can but they don't realize what's happened. I am only 34 years old and now I am going to be a complete vegetable for the rest of my life. More physical symptoms include loss in co-ordination, memory loss, confusion, I see these white vertical and horizontal lines, dark patches, patches of light, palinopsia affects with my vision change. I thought my will power was stronger than the medication, but my brain thought otherwise. I should have done an extremely low taper over 1-2 years and none of this would have happened. 

Edited June 13, 2018 by Shep
added paragraph spacing (Altostrata), added link to benzo thread (Shep)

[deejay]

I know something has happened to my brain, it was like my mind/body went into complete shock the day this all happed. I had an MRI done and it showed up white patches

[deejay]

I also suffer terrible sleep hallucinations, close my eyes and these images/dreams come when I know im awake. I have also been suffering sleep paralysis where I wake up and can't open my eyes and someties can't move y whole body for about a minute.

 

During the day I pray all day long for the Lord to reverse the damage.

 

All these horrible thoughts all the time, when I try falling asleep and waking I;m uncontrollably talking all this jibberish

 

I have scrambled my brain and ruined my life for ever

[deejay]

I loved Zoloft and the way it used to make me feel that's why I became addicted to it. the very first time I took it 12 years ago, 25mg, I took it at night. The following morning I felt like a whole new person, so incredibly happy, so much energy I felt so good.

 

the Doctor's don't beleave that this happened and how it was instant but it's true.

 

Now that this happy feeling is gone, and all this other terrible stuff is happening to me, it has driven me to the point of madness

[deejay]

Regarding y eye sight.. It's like I'm seeing things in 3D ! I went to have them tested but nothing abnormal showed up but there is a deffinate change and it upsets me so incredibly much. Told the Doctors but they pretty much laughed at me.

 

I have read stories about permanent vision change.

 

Sometimes when I stare at the brick wall in my bedroom, my whole visual field sees the one brown brick colour, terrified me when it first happened. Was literally like I went blind. Looked away and could see again.

[deejay]

I have a partner and 3 little beautiful kids, I have been on the disability pension for the last 7 years but had great intention of making something better of my self. But now.... all my hopes and dreams are gone and the life I once had is becoming more of a distant memory as each day passes.

 

It's not so much the depression evan though depression is still terrible, it's the anxiety of knowing what has happened to me and knowing that no medication can fix it.

[deejay]

If anyone here is a Christian who beleaves in Jesus, I would truly welcome your prayers because that is all I have. I am living minute to minute

 

It's literally like I have early onset alzeimers/dementia, that's the way I feel.

 

 

[deejay]

I would honestly have rathered lost both my legs and be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life instead of losing my mind.

 

Every single thing I look at send me to panic because it is a constant reminder of how things will never ever be the same again,

 

I am losing track of time, hardly ever know what day it is, have hardly driven in 3 months because of my eyes and can't evan leave the house.

 

Please someone tell me there is some glimmer of hope for me

[deejay]

Mum keeps telling me that the chemicals in my brain just need to evan back out, I want to beleave her but I know my brain has been damaged. I know the brain creates new pathways from trauma/damage but every day is worst than the last.

 

I have been back on Zoloft 200mg for 3 months now, plus mirtazapine 30mg for the last week much to my dismay, only to try and sleep because the Doctor won't give me any more Xanax but I still wake 20 times plus every night, tossing and turning because of the extreme anxiety pains/feeling.

 

 

[deejay]

I no longer get any peace anymore, my days consist of luying in bed not being able to sit still, the anxiety pains/thoughts are so severe all I want to do is die

[deejay]

I am not making any of this up, it is actually worse than what it sounds.

 

I have heard 3 "explosions" inside my head apart from the other hallucinations, also gunshot type sounds which jolt my whole body.

 

I googled and found "Exploding head syndrome" which is something caused by brain damage. I have also read that these sleep hallucinations come from damage to the brain as well.

[deejay]

I know I don't have skitzophrenia or anything like that as nothing like this has ever, ever happened before in my life. I evan told the Doctor, hey did I just have a skitzophrenic break. I know all this was caused by the abrupt stoppage

[Altostrata]

Welcome, deejay.

 

I am sorry you have gone through this. You may or may not be relieved to know we see stories like yours quite frequently.

 

16 hours ago, deejay said:

March 3rd 2018 I took my regular 200g dose and I felt really good again. Zoloft has always been like that for me, instant, regardless what the dr's say. 

 

Anyway I thought everything was going to be fine again because I felt like the last 4 months never happened and I was back to normal, that's how good I felt but was I wrong. something happened to me the next day which has changed my life for ever. A little under 24 hours after taking the first dose I started to feel abit funny,

 

The reason you have had problems with your regular 200mg dose of Zoloft is because the dosage was TOO HIGH. We always advise reinstatement at a low dose. Yours is a classic case of too much Zoloft.

 

When you go on and off drugs -- cold turkey being a terrible shock to your nervous system -- your nervous system becomes more sensitive. In reinstatement, 10mg Zoloft might have done as much as 200mg did years ago, at least to stop withdrawal symptoms. When your nervous system is sensitized, it may react badly to high doses of any drug, including benzodiazepines and anti-psychotics such as quetiapine.

 

In order to figure out your best course right now, please list what time of day you take your drugs and their dosages. Also, to help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature

[Madeleine]

16 hours ago, deejay said:

If anyone here is a Christian who beleaves in Jesus, I would truly welcome your prayers because that is all I have. I am living minute to minute

 

It's literally like I have early onset alzeimers/dementia, that's the way I feel.

 

 

I will pray for you.  Your life is not ruined. This is a temporary blip. It's painful, and it's difficult right now, but you WILL get better.  I was also on Zoloft and got off (though not a cold turkey) then when I had a lot of stress in my life, I  went to the hospital where they reinstated me onto 200 mg, and just like in your case, the high dose made me extremely anxious and I could not sit still and my brain felt like if it was in an anxious meltdown.

I know what you are going through.  You will stabilize. You will get better.  It's important not to panic. When you panic and catastrophize and have negative thoughts in which you think that this will last for ever, what happens is that your negative thoughts ramp up your nervous system.  As a result, you feel even more anxious. If you react to that anxiety with more worry, in other words, if you you worry because you are anxious, that makes you feel even more anxious.  It's a cycle that keeps ramping up.  

What you need to do is to call all that you can to calm yourself: listen to calming music, say affirming positive things to yourself, etc. 
Ask God to help you, and then have faith that He will.  Do not be impatient.  It will take time, but you definitely will get better. 

Thinking and praying for you.

M.
 

[LexAnger]

Omg, I am so shocked hearing your horrible suffering!  I just want to send my empathy and prayer.

i had the gunshot and head explosion during taperin off and reaction to lexapro. Very frightening!

 

stay strong and hang in, you are not alone. hope the mods can help once you provide all your meds history.

 

lex

 

 

[deejay]

Thank you for your kind replies.

 

Something did happen to me though on the 3rd march. It was no panic attack, what I am experiencing now are panic attacks.

 

It was like my insides were full of sand paper, to describe the chemical burning feeling better. This horrible feeling lasted a good 4-5 days 24/7 and then came in waves, then eventually subsided in roughly a week and a half. My heart was pounding for a good 2-3 hours when it 1st happened. About 4 days later my vision changed, concentration went, short term memory went funny. 

 

I am truly wanting to beleave that I will get better. This is not just the run of the mill going off AD's and feeling crap, this is so much more. I was tricked by the Dr onto going on Seroquel, I had never heard of it and my knowledge of drugs before all of this was little to none. I told him I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and he said this would be better over Tamezepam or other Benzo's. I had no idea it was an anti-psychotic, he didn't tell me on the day and that was 2 months ago. 

 

 

[deejay]

My thoughts are everywhere, hallucinations still. Mum bought me these calming cd's to listen to but they make me evan more upset.

[deejay]

I am sleep deprived like never before, averaging 1-3 hours for the last 3 months. If I had of taken a photo of my face on the 2nd march and then now you would think I was an entirely different person, some kind of heroin addict. I can't go anywhere due to the way I;m feeling and the way I look

[deejay]

altostrata 

 

Has anyone here ever experienced a visual change? 

 

I am constantly talking to myself under my breath which I cannot control during the day, I try my very best to block everything but I can't anymore. When people are talking I am uncontrollably saying a lot of what there saying also under my breath. I seriously beleave I have given myself brain damage.

 

The feeling of detachment is horrible and it's like i'm losing touch of reality.

 

Every morning when I wake up I have this horrible burning across my arms and chest and a lot during the day, this is a different feeling to the first week this all happened. I get all these random stabbing pains all over my body and in my head. Dizzy nearly all day.

 

Minutes are turning into hours, hours into days. 3 months have gone by since all this started and I can barely account for any of it

 

 

[deejay]

When I'm luying in bed I'ts getting to the point where I hear sounds and wondering if they are real or in my head and sometimes abit during the day. The local mental health hospital didn't want to know about it, they thought I was just some loon who went of his meds and feeling sad. I am very fearful of being admitted into another one in the city because If I don't respond to drugs they will want to zap my head through ECT

[deejay]

Zoloft was truly like the miracle wonder happy drug. Working instant within 10 minutes when taken in the morning. No one beleaves me how it was instant from day 1 but it was. I knew how incredibly bad I was feeling the last week leading up to the 3rd March. Took the 200mg on the 3rd and within 10-15 minutes my whole brain changed from wanting to kill myself to ontop of the world and worry free

 

[ChessieCat]

Hi deejay,

 

Much of what you are describing has been experienced by other SA members.  There are many topics discussing these issues.  You can use the site search or use a search engine and include survivingantidepressants.org in your search string.

 

It can be very frightening, but the more you can understand it the less scary it can be, which means you don't add panic into the mix.  SA recommends learning and using Non-drug techniques to cope

 

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Sleep Hypnosis, Guided Meditations, Calming Videos

 

Vision symptoms: floaters, snow, blurred, dimmed vision etc

 

derealization-or-depersonalization

 

 

And about hearing noises.  I've experienced this myself.  Whenever the fan was on I could hear people chatting on the radio.  Here is someone else's experience:

 

On 12/4/2015 at 2:41 AM, apace41 said:

Temporal Lobe  These lobes are on the side of your brain on each side near your ear. It makes up the whole left and ride side of your brain.  This is where auditory information is processed, including hearnig itself, but also the "Meaning" of what we are hearing, as well as part of speech and language, emotion, and buncha other stuff.  In early recovery, someone was talking to me and I couldn't tell you what they said past the first sentence.  My auditory processing was ALL messed up.  I couldn't picture what a person was saying to me in real time - and by the time I caught up to them, I was lost and they were talking about something else! Also - When I was laying there in bed, I could "hear" things that weren't there in the noise of my box fan. I'd hear the fan blowing -but I also "heard" like sickening circus music. I believe this is because there is noise coming into my ear - but my brain cannot adequately "prune" what it is hearing at differnet frequecies because there is not enough GABA to inhibit it to create something meaninful.  There was all this "noise" and my brain was just firing off glutamate.  So instead of actually "processing" the noise - it was firing off ideas about what it was hearing - and they were ALL wrong.  I would be hearing what sounded like circus music - and at the same time, my poor brain was looking through my hippocampus to find all the memories I ever had of being at the circus - and then I'm reliving those memories- and at the same time, my amygdala is getting fired upon - so I'm in fear. So I'm a quivering mess of a person laying in the bed hearing and seeing things and remembering times in my childhood and scared to pieces.  Seriously? Yes - I felt crazy. But not in my MIND.  It was my BRAIN.  It's the BRAIN.  And it's normal. The structures in the brain are "obligated" to work this way.

 

[LexAnger]

In my opinion, the super fast effectiveness of the initial Zoloft is a sign that your system is very sensitive to these type of drugs or in particular Zoloft.  After your system is sensitized by these  drugs, the original response can be totally different

 

[deejay]

All I want to happen is this, stay on the 200mg and everything to go back to normal and get off everything else. Stay this way for perhaps a year or until everything has completely returned to normal. THEN do an extremely extremely low taper over 2-3 years but I think that time has long gone.

[Madeleine]

Hang in there.  Nothing has  "long gone."   You will stabilize on a dose,  and then will stabilize and will feel better.  

Your looks will come back. You are young and you will recuperate from this.

It would be good if you put your dose history in your signature (click on your name in the top right hand side of the page, then go to account settings and signature.)   Mention how much of the zoloft you were taking, when you got off it, etc. when you reinstated, and if you are still taking seroquel, write when you started it, how much, if you stopped and when.  (Take a look at other people's signature to get an idea of what to write.)  When you include your signature, people will be able to provide you with more accurate guidance based on your medication history.

Hang in there. It will take a bit of time, but everything will be okay.   You will be stronger, healthier and wiser than you had been before this all happened.  Have faith in your recovery. 

Madeline

[deejay]

I did not know how to do the sig thanks Madeline.

 

I must confess something else. I took an OD of x35-40 100mg tablets between the 17th-20th Oct last year. Not to die but for a feeling of courage as it gave me a feeling of euphoria. I did this to be able to confront 2 people in my life about curtain issues, which I beleave led to my depression in the first place.

 

At first I felt really good but then stumbling around a lot and scared I was going to die. The night of the 20th OCT 2017 something happened, I felt so incredibly amazing for about 4 hours, i'm talking complete and utter bliss. Then later on that night terrible, complete sadness and crying. Woke up the next morning feeling awesome again. This is when I stopped cold turkey 

 

So basically an absolute complete high on the Zoloft to absolute cessation for 4 months.

 

I know it very easy for people to say don't blame yourself, but it is extremely extremely hard not to when you know that if you hadn't of done these 2 very stupid reckless things, none of this would have happened.

 

 

More hallucinations during the day include

 

Someone asking me a question, I know what I'm about to say but here the response in my head first

If I say a word to my self, I will here another completely unrelated word and/or sentence.

 

I try to say positive stuff to myself but I either here something negative or I involuntarily say something bad under my breath which I cannot control. I don't beleave this is an anxiety thing, or the involuntarily talking being some sort of coping mechanism, something has gone terribly wrong in my brain

 

It is just so hard to calm down when I have all these horrible physical symptoms 24/7, my eyes and the worry their never going to be normal again, the hallucinations and the worry of them. I am so incredibly terrified to have a nap during the day, evan though I' so tired, for the reason I know I won't be able to have peaceful sleep, knowing I will fall asleep then wake after 10min in absolute terror with my chest and insides shaking and trembling, the worry of the nightmares, the worry about the sleep hallucinations, the worry about the nonsensical talk which I involuntarily do when trying to fall asleep, the images in my head when I close my eyes etc...

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Here are the instructions Instructions:  Withdrawal History Signature

[deejay]

I want to get off the Seroquel because it is doing nothing to ease the hallucinations, gives me a horrible dry mouth like never before, and I think is contributing to my muscle/limb flinches/convulsions . I know I don't have skitzophrenia or any other psychotic illness, but I do have extremely severe psychotic symptoms but I know they were only brought on by the Zoloft messing with my brain..

 

I do beleave I have suffered a mental break though, whether it be Psychosis I don't know. The Psych said discontinuation syndrome, but he also cannot understand why the Zoloft no longer works.

 

I was completely sane the 22 years prior to taking Zoloft, the 12 years I was on Zoloft but now, the only way to describe it is if someone has taken my brain and placed it into a meat grinder.

[ChessieCat]

4 minutes ago, deejay said:

The Psych said discontinuation syndrome, but he also cannot understand why the Zoloft no longer works.

 

Antidepressant Tolerance Withdrawal or "Poop Out"

[deejay]

I have not been on any other drugs in my life prior to the 3rd March this year apart from Zoloft, Panadol for migraines and anti-biotics when sick in child hood

[deejay]

Feeling really horrible right now, the stabbing pains going through my chest, up through my right arm, throat and neck are really really bad. The tightness in chest and burning arms are also just as bad today. That and the nerve feeling running through my head and left arm/hand, can feel my pulse beating through neck and hands, extreme pressure behind eyes, dizziness and light headedness. Severe depersonalization from roughly 11am this morning. This is what I put up with day and night, sometimes it's less intense and sometimes it's a lot worse

 

I just took 1/4 Lorazapam to try and calm down. I really want to take 1mg in morning, 1mg arvo and 1mg before bed or be put onto Clonazepam because the anxiety is debilitating.

 

But I know that evan if the Dr were to prescribe me 3-4mg lorazepam or however much clozazepam  I will become addicted to that also and that will become another life long battle. 

 

This is all getting far too much for me I truly need a miracle. My mindset has reverted back to a 5 year old child scared out of his wits. If I had of known that this poison would have done this to me I never would have gone on it 12 years ago.

Edited June 9, 2018 by deejay
added to it

[deejay]

I pray nearly all day every day for a miracle. All I want is to go back in time to October last year and not have done what I did. I took life for granted, never really looking after myself, punishing myself a lot throughout life mentally and physically, I just kept pushing myself and pushing myself until I finally pushed my self over the edge. and now that lifes  been taken away from me I am in absolute terror.

[AussieShell]

Hi deejay,

 

I understand your pain and will be praying for you. My horrendous journey with these medications for many years led me to the Lord. I had a terrible time with Zoloft after taking it for many years too and know the pain you are in. You are right about the Clonazepam - they gave me the 'benzo blues' and I was in great despair. When I had extreme symptoms like you are describing they gave me a short course of Zyprexa (1 week). It makes you want to eat the fridge while you are on it but it stopped the mood side of it (it is an antipsychotic). Not that I would suggest to add meds etc, I think at the moment you probably have too many things going on. Are you still taking the Seroquel? Have you also recently started Mirtazipine? And are you taking herbs too or was that last year...I am a bit confused by the dates in your signature?

 

I had really bad anxiety stopping Seroquel quickly and it made me over the place but I was getting severe dizziness as it was lowering my blood pressure. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to not muck around with too many different things at the same time...I have done this too and it never goes well. We can get really impatient but as some wise people told me on here when I was in a really terrible, terrible place that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing (as in a hold). I can relate to being on Zoloft a long time and thinking it was ok and then just experiencing worse and worse mental health...Unfortunately the things they did to 'fix' the problem just made things worse overall. Most of the psychiatrists don't recognise this or underestimate the distress discontinuation can cause (which is why there timeframes for stopping are completely unrealistic). And if there is problems they just add more and more meds when that is actually the last thing your poor brain needs.

 

Anyway, I am really glad you found us here - you are not alone.

[deejay]

I have never been one to seek attention, put my life all over facebook or forums such as these or asking for help but the state I am in now..

 

yes still taking seroqual and the herbs but they are not doing a thing. I don't know if you get withdrawals from the herb pills? 

[AussieShell]

I totally understand. This group is here to help you. It is the only place I was able to find when I was at my worst that understood and could give advice.

 

Do you know what sort of herbs they are? With your system as sensitive as it is you need to be careful with anything like that...even herbal things can be powerful and impact you in ways you may not expect.

[deejay]

If my eye sight hadn't of gone, the hallucinations, bad thoughts etc.. were not in my head and all I was suffering from was withdrawal symptoms then I could cope but it is all just too much