☼ Elyssa143: Zoloft to Zyprexa

[RusTW]

Is it those depression and so only or do you get more symptoms.the sign I noticed I was w/d was severe itching nausea and anxiety at first now I get a cornucopia of symptoms.that was from CT of seroquel.hit me 3 weeks later.for sure you are healing.try to build a routine slowly it helps very much.how were you before the meds

[Rosetta]

Hi Elyssa,

 

I'm glad the SI is better.  It's completely due to WD.  You have to remember that when it comes.  It's going to go away forever someday, and you have to hang on until it does.  For me it's very uncommon now, and it goes away quickly enough that Im not afraid I will make an irreversible mistake.

 

Yes, the Zyprexa made everything worse.  I wish doctors knew that giving someone a different drug when the person is in early WD might severely irritate the nervous system and cause SI or worsen SI.  How I wish they knew the risk!!  I'm so sorry that happened to you, but if you are seeing improvements that is a really good sign.  You are going to be ok.  You have to hold on during that bad times, ok?

 

Rosetta

[RusTW]

I read a first few of your posts.Holy smokes you been through a lot. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that and then the withdrawals. I was talking to a girl tonight and she said when she was on Zoloft she had SI extremely bad during that time. I think you had quite a bit on your plate.plus the changes of the meds .I'm not surprised you crashed.I think you will be ok in time.we have to ride it out now until we are.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta thank you for commenting, it hasnt been easy. I am greatful I wasnt on the zyprexa long and tapered it vs another ct. Im sure it screwed me up even more I wish I hadnt have gone to the pysch ward but I wasnt sure I wouldnt do anything and the SI was horrible I was terrified.  I definitely see some improvements so it has to get better right? I see so many people get worse? But usually I see that when withdrawl doesnt hit till later, the depression is the worst but I do believe I have had some improvements in it. So im trying to hold onto that. I am healing if Im having some improvements right? Im so scared it will get worse. I could manage this without the absolutely horrific depression. Thanks for chiming in hope today is a better day for u!

[Elyssa143]

@RusTW im hoping ill be ok, ive been very scared I wont have the strength to make it through this, but the past few days Ive felt a bit stronger? Maybe things are changing and healing. I definitely see some little improvements so that has too be goood. I am greatful im so young and figuring this out now vs being on meds for years and a bunch and trying to do this later. Plus i wasnt ok on the zoloft either. So maybe the longer the meds are out of my system the better Ill heal. Hope you have a better day

[Elyssa143]

@RusTW how are you doing today?

[RusTW]

I wouldn't trip out that you went to the psych ward that much you did what you thought you had to do. Being in a place like that can elevate your fears and your withdrawal symptoms. Anesthetizing their patience is the way that they deal with symptoms. I think you were already in withdraw from The Zoloft and adding and subtracting the medications back and forth Just Amplified your withdraw plus it seemed like you had quite a bit of stress before even going on the meds. I had a lot of stress too prior to me going on my meds. I think the medications just smother the symptoms I think they're still there whatever we had before this and it just covers it up and then when we come off it's 10 times worse. And then being on the meds we became accustomed to that way of thinking and feeling so we lost touch with our natural self that we have to learn to find that person again or build a new person right now I think rediscovering ourselves is not an easy thing but in the future it'll benefit us

[RusTW]

I'm doing okay thanks for asking. I have some mild nausea and a little bit of a headache hopefully it won't amp up later. It's so hard to tell it could go either way. What are you doing today

[jonnypeters1234567]

I hope you see some improvement soon Elyssa

[Elyssa143]

@RusTW its so hard not to worry about that 😕 ughugh worst experience ever. I had ptsd from my prior withdrawal 9 years ago and now i have even more.  What a traumatizing experience this whole thing has been. Ive never ever been suicidal and i have such great things in life and a wonderful family and I cant enjoy any of it. Fighting suicidal ideations has been so freaking scary, those seem to be a bit better here lately im greatful for that. But the depression has been so deep its suffocating and literally feel like theres no way out, but the oast few days have been a tad better so maybe things are changing? Talk about being in hell! Im glad your doing ok today! I truly hope the rest of your tapers go well. Wish I would have known better now i know to never ever touch another pysch med in my life. Im really praying i make it through this, suicide is so scary and what ive been going through has been even scarier. Holy ****. Once im through ill be forever greatful.

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 thank you so much i think there might be some slight improvements im truly hoping it continues. How are you?

[jonnypeters1234567]

Not too bad. Its good you are seeing improvement. Im with you with the SI, it scares me so much.

 

What drug were you on 9 years ago?

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 i just read your story howhow scary that your still having such a hard time this far out this has already been such hell for me :(. I was on ativan a month after giving birth then 3 years later zoloft for a year and lamictal for 6 months during that time and then 3 years off and zoloft for 13 months lowest dose and then poly drugged in the pysch ward for a few days.  Ugh im so scared

[jonnypeters1234567]

Its inevitable that healing will take place

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 im so scared about getting worse the depression has already been life threatening. Are u on any other meds? 

[jonnypeters1234567]

no, just dont push yourself too much. I think i did too much in my first year. I was taking strong b vitamins that masked all the physical symptons and most of the depression. I had to stop taking them, so i think it has made things alot worse during my wave. I was also on alot longer than you

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 but I was on zoloft 3 years ago too but only for a year. Im just so scared. I stopped taking everything except for my thyroid meds. Did you have severe depression in the beginning? Are u doing better now? Are u able to work or function? I have a family and im so scared as it is 

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 i know we all heal but Im barely hanging on most days as it is I cant do this for years I have a family

[jonnypeters1234567]

i know what you mean.  How long did you hold you reinstatement for?

 

[Elyssa143]

The reinstatement made me worse. 3 weeks and i went inpatient 

[RusTW]

 when you cold turkey your Ativan how many milligrams were you taking how long were you on it and how long were your withdrawals.

[Elyssa143]

@RusTW 1mg x3 a day. For a month.  Withdrawls lasted 3 years until i went on zoloft for anxiety i had no idea that antidepressants were just as bad :/. But i had alot of streas those 3 years 

[RusTW]

3 years wow.3mg is a lot to CT. I cold turkey 1 mg of Ativan and after one week of extreme body pain insomnia and anxiety I ended up in the ER room I thought I was dying I reinstated. My withdraws seem pretty easy after I tapered for 2 months. I'm curious now that maybe the Zyprexa 10 mg dose was just covering up the withdrawals from the Ativan. I had this scary thing just as I would just start falling asleep I would have like a choking spell or like a gag reflex it was really weird that's why I got off the Ativan. I had to take this Zyprexa to help me sleep though because of that reflex feeling. After being off the Ativan for about a month the whole thing just disappeared so I know it was a Ativan

[Elyssa143]

@waves12 I read your thread. How are you doing now? Are you off valium?

[Hopetobefree]

Hi Elyssa,

I can identify with your story in particular about those horrible benzo's and going through the hell of CT clonazapam withdrawal which led me to being put on Lexapro, valium and Lamictal to get some minimal relief! Im really sorry that you've gone through this iatrogenic mental pain for so long its been about 4 and half years since I felt normal and I feel despair that it could be many years before I get my old self back again especially since Ive still yet to get off the Lamictal. We are about the same time frame in our AD withdrawal journey I got off mid Feb this year so ill continue to follow your progress. Feel free to message me about anything. Take care, Hope

[waves12]

On 8/3/2018 at 9:35 PM, Elyssa143 said:

@waves12 I read your thread. How are you doing now? Are you off valium?

Hi yes am off everything now the last 25 months. I had valium a couple of times in the early months of AD withdrawal but nothing now. I have a very dark depression which I have been in from almost the start of all this and it just won't lift. It is my main and worst symptom remaining if it would go I would be doing much better.

How are you doing today?

[Elyssa143]

@waves12 im sorry your struggling with that its my worst symptom too but it comes in waves. Do you have windows and waves or has yours been constant? How long were u on valium? And the antidepressant? Did u ct the valium? When did the depression start? 

[waves12]

Just now, Elyssa143 said:

@waves12 im sorry your struggling with that its my worst symptom too but it comes in waves. Do you have windows and waves or has yours been constant? How long were u on valium? And the antidepressant? Did u ct the valium? When did the depression start? 

I had a few windows on and off but hardly a window this last two months just an odd bearable day here and there. The depression has been present for the whole 25 months, since med free of everything, and seems to be getting darker the last few months which is quite scarey:(

I was on 2 to 5 mg of valium once a day for 10 years not every day but several days a week and reduced down over a few months. I CT from the AD 25 months ago and was on 60mg duloxitine at time of quitting but had been on others prior to that so probably had been on an AD for just over 20 years. I wasn't aware of the tapering until 7 or 8 months out and found this site too late so have stayed off hoping to heal. It's s tough journey for sure.

[Elyssa143]

@waves12 this is definitely a tough journey. How long did you taper the valium? Did you have Akathisia? Has the depression ever let up? Were you functioning in the beginning? Im so scared I see people getting worse mymy depression has already been suicidal.  Not sure what will happen if it gets worse again. What were you on antidepressants for in the first place? Are u able to function on a daily basis. Has anything improved for u? Hope today is better 

[Rosetta]

HI, Elyssa,

 

I have spent a lot of time worrying about what is going to happen.  I did what you are doing -- trying to find out what other people experienced at month X or month Y.  Worrying about my symptoms coming back and getting worse.  Trying to work out whether my AD would cause a worse WD than someone else's AD.  Whether because I took ADs a long time would mean I'd have WD longer.  Whether the high dose would mean I was going to be sick forever. And on and on.

 

What I learned is that none of those factors have any effect on what will happen to us in WD.  Each person has a different WD journey, and what happened in the past has very little effect on the present or the future.  It's what you are doing now that matters.  You can do things to calm your nervous system at times (and at other times you can't find the energy or the presence of mind to do those things.)

 

At some point, I discovered that by avoiding reading about other people's WD, I was able to stay more calm.  I stopped reading the news, too, and that helped.  I went for walks.  I think the walks helped more than anything, but the combination of avoiding things that upset me and the walks was probably the best.  I take magnesium, too.

 

From my perspective, you might be making your fear worse by reading about other people's troubles with WD.  Your own hormones -- adrenaline, etc. -- can irritate your NS.  So, maybe reading something that makes that hormone release is a good thing to avoid.  It has been for me.

 

You did not take benzos.  So, I would avoid the threads of people who did for a while and see if you I feel better. There's just no reason to read about people with Akathisia if you don't have it.  For what it's worth, I suspect that one has to take ADs a long time or at high doses to get "tardive Akathisia" (which is Akathisia that occurs "later" rather than as a result of a particular dose of a drug.).  I'm one of those people, unfortunately, but I took 150 mg of Zoloft for 3 years!!  I'm sorry you ever experienced akathisia, and I'm really glad it stopped when you stopped the drug.  That seems to be the case for most people.  I got Akathisia due to WD which is different somehow.  I know that, for me, reading about symptoms I don't have will upsets me, irritates my nervous system and increases my symptoms.  I have to be careful what I read and when.  

 

Also, I think that for most people whose symptoms get a lot worse there is something that severely irritates the nervous system after WD begins.  For me, it was probably the exercise -- jogging.  It could have been Unisom, too.  The menstrual hormones bother me quite a bit, but not like the exercise did.  For many people the doctor prescribes a new medicine or a dentist gives an adrenaline based anesthetic.  For some even food ingredients cause problems.  Many people try an elimination diet and swear that gluten or msg affects WD to a great degree.  Each person has different sensitivities and what hurts one doesn't hurt the other.  This is why SA recommends only magnesium and fish oil.  Those two have the fewest reactions from people in WD.

 

The worry about the SI getting me and making me wonder if I'll survive -- that is over.  I know I'm going to make it.  Even if I have SI these days my thoughts turn to defiance of the SI. "No, SI will not take me down.  I won't let it.  What can I do to distract until it's gone?"  You will get there.  You can keep thinking of your family, and that's exactly the right thing to do.  I never wanted to transfer my problems to them by offing myself.  I kept that thought it my head as much as possible --"protect them from this WD, this SI, by staying alive."  It was good to think that way when I didn't care about myself.  Caring about them got me through.  

 

People get through without families, too.  I think the will to live is very strong and it takes a lot to lessen it enough for a mistake to actually occur.  For me, the feeling of SI is a horrible, horrible feeling all by itself even without the fear that it will actually result in a terrible mistake.  That's something people who have not felt it do not understand.  They don't know how to support us through it.  Instead, they immediately jump to how to restrain us or prevent us from taking action.  Listening to us and holding us -- soothing us -- that is the key.  That makes SI go away, but instead people do things that make it worse. They scare us, they restrain us, they get angry with us because they are scared.  Fear makes SI worse.  You have to find a way to dial down the fear -- to soothe -- to feel safe.  We can't tell anyone about SI because we know they will react in a way that makes it worse and yet we need to talk about it and get help to soothe ourselves.  I think hotlines work for some people.

 

Another thing you will eventually come to learn is that WD is not like a cold -- there is no progression of symptoms that are in the same order for everyone.  Some people have the depression badly and others don't have too much of it.  It's kind of absurd that depression was the reason I took ADs, but now, I have depression for short periods only.  Hours even.  It's the anxiety that lasts and lasts for me.  Anxiety was never a big problem for me before I took Celexa.  I had normal manageable anxiety before.  Then. celexa caused anxiety, and the doctor just increased the dose!!  I don't believe that if WD hits later then depression is worse or longer lasting.  I doubt that's the case.

 

There is really no pattern at all that I can see except Windows and waves, of course, but what happens in each wave is very inconsistent across people.  That said, there is a person here whose experience is tracking closely with mine.  Even so, I think that's not going to mean anything to the majority of people.  I suspect it has something to do with our age and the effect that WD and female hormones create as they interact.  She's also old enough to go through the change. 

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Peace, Rosetta

[Elyssa143]

@Rosetta Thank you so much for taking so much time to write me such a thoughtful message. I really appreciate it. Im terrified today. I actually uninstalled my facebook, I cant handle it. I cant handle the suicides, usually Im really good at finding a reason as to what makes me different. But today I just cant. I dont want to die. I dont want to not be here. I never understood suicide until going through, how much pain can one person endure. I do understand that benzo withdrawl is very different I went through it and made it theough but this is a different withdrawal, the depression i have experienced going through this has been unbearable and terrifying. Suicidal and scary. My brain has told me death is the only way and I wont make it. As im sure these are all intrusive thoughts but its so scary. Especially to be in the midst of the depression and have nothing matter :(. II want to be in control I want to have the control over my brain! I have had some improvements actually a few and thats even more terrifying. I cant go backwards.  Even when im "ok" im terrified, stuck in a state of fear. I know you know the feeling. Im not trying to sound selfish, as I know everyone here is dealing with some sort of suffering. Im just so scared. Im constantly trying to find some rhyme or reason to this and ask others about their symptoms but everyone is sooooo different. And I guess that makes my anxiety even worse. I want an answer. Some sort of reassurance that Ill be ok, that ill make it through this. And i guess there isnt any but just getting through each day. Im greatful for the support i have as so many dont have that. Im definitely better than I was 5 weeks ago. But im terrified that wont last. But maybe it will, maybe Im healing already.  Thank you for being there for me. I hope your feeling better today🙏💓

[Rosetta]

My brain told me the same thing.  It's not true.  I don't think our bodies and brains have any way to deal with this particular disorder.  Normally, there's a way for the brain to warn us before we hurt ourselves such as if we get too close to a fire.  This is a condition that isn't natural, and there's no game plan for it.  There's just fear.  Yes, you need to find rhyme or reason.  You need an answer.  The answer is time, but that doesn't make the fear go away.  So, your brain says "Look for the answer again."  Over and over and over.  

 

For me the answer was distraction.  Not that it works all the time and there are always ways for distraction to go wrong -- a book seemed innocuous but my brain found a way to make it scary, for instance.  Walking through a place where things are going on around me helps except when something scary happens.  Walking in a quiet place would seem to be the opposite of scary, but then it's too quiet, and my mind wanders to scary things.  

 

I'm glad you want to live -- that's all you need to make it through.  It's going to be scary until it's very uncomfortable until it's just uncomfortable until it's slightly uncomfortable and so on.  Just hold on to that desire to live and remember that this is temporary.  You will have a happy life again if you just stay alive long enough to heal.  Simple but not easy.

[jonnypeters1234567]

How are you?

[RusTW]

How's it going?

[bheb]

Great, great advice from Rosetta. I'm also someone with delayed onset (from dose decrease then updose) akathisia. I also suspect Unisom in my case -- perfect storm of drug changes, dietary changes, and stress. Even after trying to calm all of those disruptions, the akathisia and agitation holds on tightly. It will take time to undo it, and time passes with distraction. But as Rosetta said -- you don't need to concern yourself with these worries

 

On 8/5/2018 at 2:01 PM, Rosetta said:

From my perspective, you might be making your fear worse by reading about other people's troubles with WD.  Your own hormones -- adrenaline, etc. -- can irritate your NS.  So, maybe reading something that makes that hormone release is a good thing to avoid.  It has been for me.

 

Reading about the experiences of others can do a lot of unexpected harm -- and you  won't know it until you're 10 pages into someone's thread and your heart rate is up and muscles are tense. Normal healthy people can read a sad or scary story, react, then calm themselves down immediately. But in our sensitive state these stresses seem to get "stuck" on occasion and can truly exacerbate our symptoms. Empathizing and supporting others through drug reactions and withdrawals is a positive thing, don't get me wrong, but you have to find a balance.

[Elyssa143]

@jonnypeters1234567 Im doing ok hanging in there, nervous about getting worse but really trying to focus on where I am right now. I know there are people who gradually get better and yet I can only focus on the negative.  How are u?