yogiem: scared, hopeless

[yogiem]

This is kind of long, but I think I needed the catharsis of it. I would appreciate any feedback or advice on how to survive this.

 

Things in my life were looking up toward the end of 2017. I was doing well in my job, I was on my own for the first time in years (had been living with my parents), I quit drinking, and I had some friends. 

 

I felt it was time to go off of my meds (Effexor 300mg). I’ve been on some form of AD for the majority of my life since I was 12. It’s made me wonder if I really even know who I am. It scared me to think about how these drugs had affected my developing brain. I wish I had found this website before then, but hindsight is always better than foresight, right?

 

I tapered down. Toward the end, I was splitting up a 75mg capsule into 8 doses. I still had brain jolts for 2-3 weeks when I went off of it completely. 

 

The first month or so I felt really good. Then I started getting anxious. Really anxious. Sleep has always been a bit of an escape for me, but I started waking up early with intense anxiety. It’s hard to move, but it doesn’t help anything to stay in bed. There’s no escaping it. I’ve tried meditation and exercise. When I’m in that intense place, there’s no way out that I’ve found. 

 

One of the hardest parts of it is that my brain is barely working. I’m in a fog at work. I’m really concerned that I’m not going to be able to get everything done that I need to. My current job has a pretty heavy workload. My boss has acknowledged that. I had to talk to her at one point about getting some help because I felt so overwhelmed.

 

There are days where everything feels overwhelming. Just showering feels like a mountain to climb. A conversation with someone? Nearly impossible. 

 

Thankfully there are days, maybe more like hours, where I experience relief. I had a really good evening a few days ago. I felt happy. I was able to talk to people. 

 

My relationships have really struggled. I’m so insecure about my ability to talk to people. It’s always been there, but it’s intensified. I don’t have anything interesting to say. My world right now for the most part is anxiety which leads to depression. I have a friend who’s really been there for me, but I get irritated with him really easily. I’m scared to be around him because I’m going to get upset and say something mean, then go into a spiral of self-hatred. 

 

My spiritual connection and my family is all that’s keeping me going. I’ve started going to church and to some twelve step meetings. It’s nice to be around other people where I don’t feel like there are any expectations of me. My family knows I’m struggling, but not the extent. It’s a relief to be able to go stay with them on the weekends sometimes and just relax.

 

I tried going back on the Effexor. I took 37.5mg for about a week. I don’t feel like I can go back on it which is scary. I was really needing some relief. My sleep was messed up and I just felt disconnected from everything. The hardest part was feeling like I was losing my spiritual connection. I’ve been suicidal for a little while, but things got really intense one night on the Effexor. I was actually scared that I might do something. That was the last day that I took it. 

 

I use canabis every now and then. Maybe once or twice a month. It brings some relief, but I think it may make the anxiety worse for the next week or so.

 

I don’t feel like I have a clear view of myself and my life. Have I always had these struggles, they were just medicated with the ADs and alcohol? Am I just finally dealing with stuff and don’t know how? I don’t see a future for myself and that’s scary. 

 

I’ve thought about seeing a psychiatrist again. This has all been on my own, but I don’t know if I want to mess with going back on meds—trying them out, dealing with the side effects, the cost, etc. I don’t know if I have the resilience to go through all of that either. So yeah, not sure where to turn. Trying to just take one day at a time, but some days that’s really f***ing hard.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Em.

 

You may or may not be relieved to hear that many members here have the same story.

 

You tapered a bit too fast, you have post-acute withdrawal syndrome. Do you have any Effexor left? There are little beads inside the capsule, correct?

 

You might take 10 beads right away. While this seems like an absurdly small amount to reinstate, what we've seen is that people with post-acute withdrawal are often hypersensitive to psychiatric drugs and a little goes a long way. That's why 37.5mg didn't feel right.

 

You'd take 10 beads a day regularly for some months, then go off very slowly, bead by bead. Please let us know how you're doing.

[yogiem]

Thank you for the suggestion. Sorry I didn’t get a notification of a reply and haven’t been on here in a while. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Monday (7/23). I was thinking about trying out Lexapro or something like that. I just don’t think I can keep doing this. Any thoughts or advice. How long would it take for the Effexor to help out. Or am I just broken now. Haha.

[ChessieCat]

Have you experienced any improvement/s since you posted 1 month ago?

 

What is your current symptom pattern?  

[Songbird]

Hi yogiem, after your many years on ADs, and having been off Effexor for months, there is high risk that reinstatement - or even starting another AD - may not work or may cause adverse reactions.  This is why we suggest reinstating very tiny doses. 

See:  About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

See: Adverse reactions: kindling

 

I am confused by your signature - were you taking both Celexa and Effexor from 2008 to 2017? 

You say you tapered Effexor over 2-3 months - what date did you stop the Effexor?  Please update your signature.

[Altostrata]

17 hours ago, yogiem said:

Thank you for the suggestion. Sorry I didn’t get a notification of a reply and haven’t been on here in a while. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Monday (7/23). I was thinking about trying out Lexapro or something like that. I just don’t think I can keep doing this. Any thoughts or advice. How long would it take for the Effexor to help out. Or am I just broken now. Haha.

 

Taking a few beads of Effexor might help you immediately, you'd have to see. If I were you, I'd take 5 beads right away. Let us know how you're doing.

 

It would have been better if you had done this in June, when you first posted here. At this point, 10 beads might be too much, your nervous system might have become more sensitized.

 

Please be very careful about taking anything. Withdrawal syndrome makes your nervous system hypersensitive to psychiatric drugs, supplements, sometimes even foods. Lexapro is a very strong SSRI; 0.5mg Prozac would be a better choice if you cannot get Effexor XR again.

 

What kind of effect do you get from Cerevive? It contains ingredients that might cause an adverse reaction.

[yogiem]

@Altostrata Thanks for your reply. I took the 10 beads this morning and I felt pretty good this afternoon and this evening. My head is starting to feel a little weird now, like stuff in there is waking up. I’ll try 5 beads tomorrow.

 

Okay, I’ll talk to the psychiatrist about the Prozac 0.5mg. I’m planning to try the super low dose of Effexor for a while first, but I might see if I can get a prescription for the Prozac to have as a backup. I’m not super excited about the visit. Guessing he’s not going to be helpful or knowledgeable about the withdrawal stuff, but hopefully he’ll prove me wronh. I seriously feel like it was some sort of divine intervention of sorts (maybe just my subconscious) that led my to check this before my appointment. I probably just would’ve taken whatever he gave me and ended up in a bad place again.

 

The Cerevive helps with anxiety, but I have been wondering if it’s also making me spaced out on tired. I took 2 extra the other day because I was feeling super anxious, and I was pretty useless after that. Maybe I’ll stop it and see how I feel. 

[yogiem]

Here’s an update.

 

Okay, I just got out of my psychiatrist appointment, and I’m frustrated and confused. It was hard just to be back there. Then he asked me what my primary care physician’s name was, and I just stared at him. I could not for the life of me think of it. Jon Watkins. I just remembered 30 minutes later. I broke down and told him that I’m scared my brain is broken. He told me it’s just the depression. I don’t know anymore.

He suggested Lexapro before I brought anything up. I told him about my fears about it due to sensitivity, and he just kind of blew it off. I asked him about the withdrawal stuff, and he said that withdrawal only lasts a few weeks. That this is recurrent depression. I left with a prescription for Prozac. He wants me to come back in 7 days. I set the appointment, but I’m not sure that I’ll go back. I left frustrated and upset. I realized how angry I am toward him for putting me on the meds in the first place, on such a high dose. That’s not really fair though, that’s just what he does. And I think that it helped at the time.

 

And now I’m feeling more confused than ever. Why do I trust you guys over him? I am super depressed, so why don’t I just try the Lexapro. Because I’m scared of what it’s going to do to me. Scared that it won’t work. I don’t know who to trust or what to think. Just needed to get this out.

[Altostrata]

Perhaps your common sense tells you that the symptoms you experience are from withdrawal and completely unlike "depression."

 

This site exists because people have experiences just like yours (or worse). The dosage adjustments we suggest here are recommended in your drug package insert. When it comes to tapering and withdrawal, psychiatrists usually don't even know about that.

 

If you don't like that psychiatrist, you don't have to go back to him. They don't have any special juju. You don't need a psychiatrist to prescribe these drugs, any doctor can prescribe them. If you have a good relationship with your GP, he might be able to refill your prescriptions.

 

At 5 or 10 beads a dose, a prescription for Effexor will go a long way.

 

 

[DrugfreeProf]

Yogiem, what your doctor told you is classic, and wrong--it's pretty much the exact same spiel every other sufferer on this site hears when they report to the doctor the horrific symptoms that are having after stopping AD that the doctor prescribed.  Remember, to the medical profession everything looks like a disease--so it must be a "return of your original condition"--it couldn't be a result of the treatment, the psych med.!  Such advice also is dangerous, in my opinion, because it typically leads the person in WD to do another go-round on the psych drug merry go round. In the meantime, while you are having withdrawal symptoms from the prior drug--Effexor is a particularly nasty one to get off--you might end up with start-up side-effects from any new drug you are prescribed--on TOP of the risk of your sensitized brain and CNS having an adverse reaction to the new drug. . You got advice from the mods to try .5 of Prozac, which, aside from reinstating a tiny dose of Effexor, might save you from what could be a hard protracted WD from Effexor.

My daughter tried a small reinstatement of Lexapro several months after discontinuing it, for about a month, and it not only did NOT help her WD symptoms, it likely caused limbic kindling and sent her into a downward spiral.  Of course, every person's pattern in WD is different, and what happens to one person doesn't happen to everybod.  In any event, IF a reinstatement of Effexor would work, it might be worth a try.  I am sure there are a lot of people here who wish they were still within the relatively short window when reinstatement tends to work!

The reason to trust this spot over your doctor is because this site contains the wisdom of thousands of people like you who have suffered similar symptoms after coming off an antidepressant, plus the knowledge accumulated by the moderators who themselves are going off or have gone off these drugs. The doctors, on the other hand, know only what the drug companies tell them.

I know you are in a very rough spot, as are most of the people on this board, so at least here you have company and people who understand what you are going through and know the truth about these drugs.

[yogiem]

I do believe it is withdrawal, and I also think that I’m pretty depressed right now. So I feel like I’m in a catch-22 situation. I do honestly trust you guys more than him because you have experienced it. And I didn’t really expect much more than that from him honestly because that’s what he knows. That’s what he was trained to do. I have tons of Effexor. 

 

I usually tend to be a little counterculture anyway, but it’s still hard not to follow the crowd. It’s hard when I’m depressed and everyone around me is telling me to try going back on the mess. And honestly I want to. I want to be able to take a pill and make all this better. I just don’t think that’s an option at this point. 

 

So where is the hope? Any success stories on here? I could use something to hold onto.

 

I really appreciate the support. 

[Gridley]

Google "Surviving Antidepressants Effexor success stories"

[yogiem]

Thank you!

 

Anyone have any thoughts/experience with CBD oil?

[yogiem]

Update. 

 

I’ve been taking the 5 beads of Effexor for the past 3 days and cut down the Cerevive to only one capsule. Right now my brain feels like it’s on fire. Maybe that’s a little extreme. It’s a burning sensation though. I had this yesterday too. 

 

I’m exhausted. I think I overdid it on Monday because I was feeling good. I dragged through yesterday. Had a long day of work, teaching yoga and therapy appointment. I called in to work today, which isn't something I do. Trying to just take it easy today. I feel like there’s a lot that I need to do, but I also think I really need the rest. 

[yogiem]

Had a window yesterday. It was so nice. I did a meditation outside before bed that was just beautiful. The breeze was kissing my skin and playing with my hair. When I went back inside to get ready for bed, I was surprised by what I saw in the mirror. I looked peaceful and happy. So different from that downtrodden person I’ve been lately. Grateful for that. 

 

Started crashing this afternoon. Made it til 5 o’clock at work. Dragged myself to the grocery store. It’s like everything is in slow motion. My head is in a fog. Stopped by a chapel on my way home. Where I like to go for a little peace. I’m really afraid right now. I was on a high dose of Effexor for a long time and now know that I went off of it way too quickly. I’m hoping my brain is strong enough to handle this. 

[manymoretodays]

On 7/24/2018 at 12:03 PM, yogiem said:

Anyone have any thoughts/experience with CBD oil

 

Hi yogiem,

Here's what we've got collected that includes members experiences and comments on CBD oil:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/5030-cannabis-marijuana-thc-or-cbd-to-ease-withdrawal-symptoms/?tab=comment

The only 2 supplements that we endorse fully are magnesium and omega 3 fish oil.

I'll leave you the links for those topics as well.  It's always best to just try one new supplement at a time however.  And start low.  Our nervous systems are really fragile during withdrawal.

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids, fish oil

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

You might consider trying ^ before considering something like CBD oil. 

 

Try and stay consistent with the beads of Effexor that you are taking now.   Have you been taking the 5 beads since the 22nd of July.......10 days now?

It sounds like it may be helping from your description.  You ARE getting some brief windows.

12 hours ago, yogiem said:

Had a window yesterday. It was so nice. I did a meditation outside before bed that was just beautiful. The breeze was kissing my skin and playing with my hair. When I went back inside to get ready for bed, I was surprised by what I saw in the mirror. I looked peaceful and happy. So different from that downtrodden person I’ve been lately. Grateful for that. 

 

Started crashing this afternoon. Made it til 5 o’clock at work. Dragged myself to the grocery store. It’s like everything is in slow motion. My head is in a fog. Stopped by a chapel on my way home. Where I like to go for a little peace. I’m really afraid right now. I was on a high dose of Effexor for a long time and now know that I went off of it way too quickly. I’m hoping my brain is strong enough to handle this. 

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

Edited August 1, 2018 by manymoretodays
bolded ?

[manymoretodays]

......And are you doing feeling better/worse overall with W/D symptoms since reinstating the 5 beads? 

Here's another link for you with a list of all the varieties of withdrawal symptoms seen, just so you can familiarize yourself a bit.

Dr. Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist post

 

Hoping the fears are settling and you are coping okay today.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

[yogiem]

Thank you @manymoretodays for your reply. I’ve been taking magnesium and cod liver oil for a couple of months now. I started seeing a functional medicine doctor who suggested them. 

 

I’ve been taking 10 beads of Effexor since Friday. I’m bad about consistency, I know. I just start to feel desperate and my reaction is to take something to change how I feel. I’m going to stick with the 10 beads though. Just filled up a bunch of capsules last night. It’s so tedious! Haha. Meditative in a way though. I think that that has helped a lot. My symptoms have definitely decreased, and I don’t feel so out of control. There’s still a lot to deal with. A lot of the underlying stuff that led me to antidepressants and what I feel like is stunted development as a result from being on them during development years. But I feel more capable of doing that with the symptoms lessened. 

 

Thank you so much for your support. I hate that others are going through this too, but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. 

 

🙏🏻✨

[manymoretodays]

21 hours ago, yogiem said:

I’ve been taking 10 beads of Effexor since Friday. I’m bad about consistency, I know. I just start to feel desperate and my reaction is to take something to change how I feel. I’m going to stick with the 10 beads though. Just filled up a bunch of capsules last night. It’s so tedious! Haha. Meditative in a way though. I think that that has helped a lot. My symptoms have definitely decreased, and I don’t feel so out of control. There’s still a lot to deal with. A lot of the underlying stuff that led me to antidepressants and what I feel like is stunted development as a result from being on them during development years. But I feel more capable of doing that with the symptoms lessened. 

 

 

Hi yogiem,

Yes...... definitely try for consistency of dosage.  And thank you for letting us know.   I was wondering if maybe your sweet spot might come somewhere between the 5 and 10 beads? 

I'm familiar with the desperation, unfortunately........most of us are.  And yes.......it takes awhile for most of us to stop reaching for and looking for a magical solution in a pill(or supplement of some kind).........that frankly, I don't think exists.  So don't beat yourself up mentally over it.  I'm glad you found your way here.

 

Keep in mind that it is probably going to take 4 days to a week for this new dose change to fully register.  So........good, good........that 5 or 6 days into it...... you haven't gotten worse.........maybe the 10 beads will prove to be the place where you can sit and stabilize on for a bit.   Try, try to be consistent UNLESS you are feeling for sure that the reinstatement updose IS clearly causing adverse effects(something outside of normal withdrawal symptoms).

 

Please try and update your signature as well, briefly.........with your recent reinstatements.  Date, dose(or beads).  That will help us help you.

........and are you keeping records at all on a daily basis?  This can be really helpful for both you as well as us.  Here are a couple links that may guide you in doing this.

dailydrugandsymptomlog

this one ^ especially is helpful in a concise form, when you are still trying to get to some stability of withdrawal, prior to further tapering.  I think this is where you are at now.  I'm really feeling hopeful that your mini reinstatement is going to help.........even with the time lag since your nearly C/T.

Journaling

and then this one ^ to use for more of a therapeutic effect for yourself.

 

I still keep a regular calendar, the old fashioned kind going.........with the boxes for days...........and just note situational as well as change in habits, that almost always do prove to be tell tale in why I am feeling the way I am.......I'll even color code sometimes.  It's just a good way, for me, even now post zero...........to track how I'm managing and learn what is important to keep in my active toolbox going forward.......it even helps tell me when I might need to try something new(non drug coping wise) or add back something that I've neglected doing again.........something that WAS working.

 

I'm glad you are getting some moments at present.........of peace and serenity.  And it sounds like you have some skills already in your toolbox that you've found to help you manage.  This is a great thing.

Please keep us updated.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

Edited August 3, 2018 by manymoretodays

[yogiem]

Thanks so much for your help @manymoretodays. I’m trying to update my signature, but I couldn’t get the link from the intro page to work. I sent an email though to try to figure it out.

 

I haven’t been keeping up with my symptoms daily, but I will start. That’s good advice. I do journal. That helps a lot with things.

 

Thanks again, hope you’re well.

[manymoretodays]

Give this a try:  creating or updating a signature

You'll find the link there to account settings as well.

We recently had a URL change to it.

I also just updated the other link(in the please start a topic about yourself).......thanks for letting us know.  So that one should work for you too now.

 

Alternately........select your user name top right of the screen and go to account settings to edit your signature.  You'll see a signature option on the left.

Edited August 6, 2018 by manymoretodays
gobbly **** around signature :-)

[yogiem]

You’re so helpful @manymoretodays. Thank you!

[yogiem]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their help, especially @Altostrata. I’ve been taking the 10 beads of Effexor for a couple of weeks now, and I’m feeling so much better. I’m starting to feel like myself again, which I haven’t all year.  I was so scared, and seriously thought I was going crazy. Things got so intense during that week of taking the 37.5 mg, that I really didn’t know if I was strong enough to make it. So thank you for your support, your advice, and for this site.

[Altostrata]

Yay! You're welcome, yogiem. Please let us know how you're doing.

[Carmie]

Hi yogiem, 

 

How are you doing?💚