Jump to content
fefesmom

need some advice

Recommended Posts

fefesmom

Hi. Haven't been here in a while. Now just about five months free of Effexor and feeling pretty good physically. What is bugging me know are the same things that bugged me on the ad. For awhile I let myself live how I wanted to and was comfortable with but now I find myself doing a lot of shoulds. I went to a couple of online dating (I use that term very loosely) sites because some friends are doing it. It creates such anxiety for me that I want to cancel two "dates" I have made. Do you think it is okay for me to do that? I know you can't tell me what I should do but...I am not a very social person although people like me and I have some friends. I still/always find it hard to believe that I matter to people and that when we are not together that the relationship still exists. Hope this doesn't sound too nutty but it is how I feel. Do I listen to the anxiety about "dating" and not do it or do I go on these "dates" and try to learn more about myself and this reaction? Any ideas/impressions people have will be greatly appreciated. I try self=compassion as often as I remember to. I have stopped meditating - maybe I should go back to it even though my mind goes a mile a minute. Well, that's all for now. Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Jemima

Cancel the dates and don't let it bother you. I'm a person who's been tormented with "shoulds" so I understand what you're saying. The fewer obligations I have, the happier I am. Listen to your intuition - when in doubt, DON'T.

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Definitely do meditate again, and clear your mind so you can see what you want to do to help yourself, not "shoulds."

 

And don't do things that make you anxious! That's your mind and body telling you you don't want to do it. Figure out ways to improve your social life that are more attractive to you.

Share this post


Link to post
fefesmom

Thank you Jemima and Alto. I always thought anxiety meant I should do it anyway but I never believed that was really true. Thanks so much for your ideas and support. So glad you are there!! I really do know what I want to do and am finding some strength to act that way. I guess it is never to late to do things differently.

Share this post


Link to post
Jemima

If it feels wrong, don't do it. There is no requirement to mate. I've been married and divorced twice, and I don't in the least miss having a man in my life. Please don't feel pressured to do what our culture tells you to do. Popular opinion is mostly wrong.

 

I am grateful that I was of help. Thank you for posting.

Share this post


Link to post
spectio

Hi fefesmom, so glad to hear from you. It's sounds like you're doing a lot better than a couple of months ago and im so happy to hear that. Is there a way you can arrange this "date" so that it just involves a cup of coffee and a half hour visit. Seems like the first date is always the hardest one and because you've never met this person, you will be able to tell pretty fast if you want to spend any more time with him than that. I'm just thinking that a small change would not necessarily be a bad thing. I speak from being fairly house bound and really sick of the same old routine day after day. It would be a small amount of time you wouldn't be thinking of ad withdrawal. Wouldn't that be wonderful!

 

Be happy, fefesmom mom. You deserve it!

Share this post


Link to post
bruno2016

I too have used dating sites and you may be able to find someone who you are quite compatible with. It should lesson your anxiety a bit if you find someone with similar interests and someone you can get to know before you meet. You all can chat online for a month or so and get to know each other and this will make it much easier once you meet this person. The anxiety is always worse at the beginning, but will not last. It usually peeks right before the anxious event, but then subsides. One thing you may consider is putting in your profile that you are a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people or even anxious. This way you can find someone who is similar to you or at least will understand. Once the date is over, you should feel good because you accomplished something. I think that if you keep letting the anxiety control you, then it can get worse. This is the first thing they teach in therapy; mainly, it takes work to lesson the anxiety and doing exposures can be quite uncomfortable but will help in the long run. You could also consider taking a few GABA supplements or valerian root right before you go as a way to keep your body and mind calm.

 

I too have been off antidepressants for about five months. Seems like you are doing quite well for coming off effexor so fast. That drug is the worst in my opinion.

Share this post


Link to post
fefesmom

All of you have been so helpful to me. I have decided to cancel one date - I felt very anxious and uneasy about this man. There is one I am meeting Saturday and I feel okay about that. Then there are two others and I am going to take the advice to get to know them online for a while before even talking on the phone. I usually think I have to meet them right away to avoid any fantasies but maybe taking time will work better for me. I feel so much better thanks to all of you who have responded today. Thank you so very much. I did go off effexor very fast (cold turkey) and I agree it is a horrible drug that I don't believe I ever really needed; it was just easy for the *** therapist to suggest it and I did go along with it (for ten years on effexosr and five on other ads before that. But fortunately I am free of them now. BTW, I have lost about 10-15 pounds since I went off the ads without even trying. I had thought of myself as "eating disordered". Now I eat when I am hungry and haven't binged since I went off the ad. uite amazing. My clothes are too big but I am waiting to see how I do in the eating department before buying new clothes. I also eat much smaller amounts. I spent so much money on eating disorder books, workshops etc. and what it really took was getting off the ads. Well, sorry to ramble but thanks a million to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Internet dating is not for everyone. You really have to take it as a lark and not have any expectations about what will happen.

 

My friends sometimes pester me to do it but I took my turn in the barrel years ago. I know the game inside and out. And the stories they tell me just confirm everything I already know about it.

 

Don't feel you have to do it, fefes. The best way to meet someone is through mutually enjoyed activities. Join a book club or a walking club or something that builds from your interests.

Share this post


Link to post
fefesmom

Hi again alto, spectio, jemima and zepplin. Just want to thank you again for your advice. I feel so much better tonight than I did this a.m. Each of you offers your own advice and I can take what feels right for me from each of you and make it into a way for me to address this online dating world and my reactions to it. So I think I will sleep well tonight, thanks to your responses.

Share this post


Link to post
Barbarannamated

Hi Fefe,

Thought I'd chime in to agree with the others. Additional stressors/anxiety are tough to handle now. Be noncompliant! :-)

Share this post


Link to post
fefesmom

Hi. Back again. Just wanted to say thanks again. I went on a "date" Saturday; it was kind of dreadful. We didn't connect on any level: physical, emotional or mental.I did cancel the "date" I was supposed to have yesterday. Feel guilty about that but too bad. Have put my profiles on "hide" on one site and just deleted the other site. This scene is just not for me. I am dealing with the shoulds about it. I have always been kind of a loner, not in a bad sense but I am used to and comfortable being with myself. I have friends etc. etc. It has always been the shoulds that do me in and that I value your help contending with. I did talk with two friends about it tonight and they were very supportive and caring and understanding. So that's all for now.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy