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Noloft

Noloft: trying to take control of my life

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PoetJester

Hey again Noloft

 

i saw you were up here in Minnesota for a while.  Did you get to fish at all, while you were here?   Walleye fishing is our state past time with Minnesota's nickname being "The Land of 10,000 Lakes".  You basically, get married, find a job and take up fishing for Walleye.  i used to live in the Southeastern portion of the state in Wabasha which is small river-town on the Mississippi, and did a lot of shore fishing for striped bass, walleye, and smallmouth bass many years ago.  This was around 2002-2003.  The river around there besides having excellent shore-fishing, is also surrounded by huge bluffs and is a major nesting area for Bald Eagles.  Wabasha is also home to the National Eagle Center, which is a small museum devoted to eagles and that occasionally rehabilitates injured eagles.  

 

i had the fishing bug too growing up.  i didn't like school much as a kid, but fishing was always one thing i would look forward to.  When i was a child,  my grandmother had owned a cabin on a small lake in Western Wisconsin, about an hour away from Minneapolis where my family lived, that we would go for a couple weekends each summer.  those 3 day trips were the highlights for me every year- just anywhere that wasn't in the suburbs.  We never had a working boat at my grandmother's cabin so it was mostly just fishing off the dock for crappies and sunfish and the occasional bass or small northern pike, but still it was the one time a year where i would actually get up before sunrise in anticipation of going down to the dock and going fishing.  It was mostly crappies, that i would go after, with different colors of Mr. Twister lures. 

 

i haven't been fishing in about 10 years now, but when i stopped zoloft and zyprexa in 2014, and began having sleep problems, i started doing volunteer lake shore clean up (there's a 900 acre lake one block from my apartment complex) where i would spend a few hours each day picking trash out of nearby lakes and shorelines as a way of staying busy, since sitting in an apartment with insomnia and fatigue is pretty tormenting.  On these garbage picks, i began a collection of rapala floating lures and fishing bobbers that i would find in weed beds or along the shore.  My fishing bobber collection is pretty extensive now and with all the rapala lures, i end up cutting off the treble hooks from, and turning into key chains to give away to people i know.

 

anyways,    glad to see you are at least sleeping better even if the anhedonia is still a problem.  i think a lot of us have that disconnect or else a problem with sort of watching ourselves do things in wd as opposed to actually doing things.    

 

Poetjester   

 

Ps (if you ever find yourself up in MN again, you should probably try fishing up on Rainy Lake sometime.  it's on the Canada/Minnesota border and has some of the better scenic fishing in the state.  It's pretty famous for it's Walleye/Smallmouth Bass/Northern Pike fishing.  I went there twice on week long fishing trips to friend's cabins about 20 years ago.  Really beautiful place.  )

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Noloft

Yesterday and today have been very tough. I believe I am in a pretty severe wave of mental symptoms. Deep, deep depression the last two days, along withdark thoughts of what’s the point of continuing, suicidal ideation. My mind starts thinking about killing myself but I don’t want to die. I don’t understand why my mind starts going to these places. Some days I don’t have suicidal ideation at all and then other days it seems like my mind is a broken record and it’s the only thing going through my head. All  I could do was try to work and keep myself busy when this happens but I feel like a prisoner in my mind when this is going on and I can’t think of anything else due to blankness. It is very scary to feel like this and makes me  sometimes question whether or not I need to go back on medication, despite having a sense that it will be very bad to do so. This morning I woke up feeling this awful sense of rage and anger for no reason and I took it out on my poor mother who is just trying to help me the best way she can but I feel like the littlest thing sets me off when I am like this. She told me not to let my ocd get me stuck on how I’m feeling and I just blew up on her about how this isn’t my ocd and it’s impossible to not get stuck on how I’m feeling when it is engulfing me on a daily basis. I don’t want to be the person I am when this happens but I feel no control over any of this at all and trying to choose how I respond to people is often the last thing on my mind in any given situation. 

 

The only consolation I had today was a brief 20 minute period of motivation and calmness at work but that was it. I went from extreme rage, to anger, to “calmness” then back to feeling like a prisoner in my mind and panicked,   to severe depression and crying, then back to just baseline depression over the course of a day. All of this stuff feels like it is hitting me so fast, like one minute last year my life was fine and now I am in this black hole of dissociation, depression and other crazy mental symptoms.

 

I am trying to be strong but it is very difficult on days like these. 

 

I do do not know how I am working and socializing though all of this and maintaining my friendships through all of this. I must believe deep down that this is just a phase of my life and not the rest of it because I constantly question why I keep going on like this and coming up short with answers. Yet I am still here. 

 

I am am hoping tomorrow will bring some reprieve from this maelstrom of pain and torment. I constantly have thoughts that if one more bad thing shows up that’ll be it and I will call it-sort of catastrophizing in a way and my mind expecting things to get worse. 

 

How does one one recover their mind from all this? How will I ever be the person I once was? Will that ever even happen....

 

so frustrated today. 

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SkyBlue
45 minutes ago, Noloft said:

Yesterday and today have been very tough. I believe I am in a pretty severe wave of mental symptoms. 

 

 

Hi Zoloft,

 

Yes, it sounds like you are in a bad wave. I'm sorry to hear that. And you are still here, existing. That is what is important.

 

Make sure you have resources if it becomes a crisis situation. I deal with withdrawal-induced suicidality on an extremely regular basis--it's not *me* that's feeling that way, but the brain is so riddled at that point that it's hard to separate it and it feels really real. During that time, I have to rely on others (if I'm able to reach out) who promise me that I'll get better. Honestly, I don't tell many people that I'm having SI, just that I'm feeling very very low and need help. Keep some numbers handy, like the 741-741 crisis text line. There is a whole thread on these resources here on SA. 

 

How does one recover? Well, we do recover. Very slowly. 

 

Does your mom understand withdrawal, or know a bit about what you're going through (and that it's bc of Zoloft etc)? I've found that it helps for family to know this, so that they understand what might be going on.

Of course, it's not an excuse to treat people badly, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about (temporary) neurological damage that can make people act in uncharacteristic ways. 

 

It's beyond frustrating, and I totally feel your pain. We all understand, here. Hang in there. Reach out as needed, take care of yourself, and keep posting here. 

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Noloft

Sky,

 

i dont think i can I put what I am experiencing in words! I try to explain to my mother what is happening to me. She is the only one who is really willing to consider this may be due to the drugs and not entirely my mental health issues. Even then I don’t think she truly understands the nature of what I am going through. In my rant this morning I tried to explain how awful it feels to feel like a stranger in your mind and body, that depression does not cause oneself to lose their sense of identity, that drugs do that. But at the same time, having to deal with my original illness (OCD) which is off the rails right now due to the withdrawal and dissociation. To feel like a walking body without a soul and all that is left is the obsessive part of my brain which I can’t quiet down due to anhedonia and emotional numbness.  

 

On  top of that, I am working 25-30 hours a week despite not really feeling well enough to do that. My therapist who my parents sent me to says I won’t get well doing nothing and that I need to contribute to society. I know I do, but I also know that my body and mind have taken a huge hit and I sometimes think no stress is the route to healing. At the same time, I am not so well off that I cannot work—my brain fog is not so bad anymore and my recall is well enough to the point where I can get through my normal tasks relatively efficiently, I just don’t want to do them and find it purposeless right now due to anhedonia. 

 

I should mention I am culpable in all of this to an extent as part of what I am going thru is marijuana related. A degree of my dissociation is a result of a bad pot experience similar to the one oskcajga had (if you are familiar with his partial success story). However I do not think this would have happened to me had I not been in withdrawal. I had smoked pot for a long time and despite it making me a bit more anxious and giving me a bit of a racing heart beat for a while, it never caused me to have such an intense period of fear and dissociation which I am still stuck in and fear I will be in for a very long time. 

 

I don’t have a lot of emotional support from my brothers. My youngest brother is 16 and I do not want to burden him with this at such a young age. My mom told me he  often asks her  “what is wrong with Chris” because he has seen me so unstable and knows what I was like before. It kind of breaks my heart and I don’t want him to worry about me too much at such an impressionable age so I try to keep what is going on with me away from him as much as possible and when I am with him I try to enjoy myself as much as possible and act normal as much as I can. I take him fishing a lot because we are a family of fisherman and it is something we always enjoyed doing together. 

 

My other brother is 24 and just moved to Austin. He has his own problems with ocd, depression and depersonalization but he has had all of these his whole life. He tells me he never had an identity or ego or sense of self. He seems much happier than I am. I expect this is a case of you don’t know what you could have had if you never had it. In my case, I had my struggles but also had a sense of self, emotional connection and an identity but it has dissolved throughout all of this and I basically have no more personality and am confused about how to act.

 

he also does not have PSSD and anhedonia. and has a healthy sex life. I am 26, never have had a relationship or a sexual encounter because I never had much of a sex drive, but at least I had the capability for sexual interaction. Now I don’t and fear Ill never know what life’s greatest pleasure feels like. This I could live with, if I didn’t have anything else to deal with I could accept this, but the fact I cannot feel anything at all towards anything or anyone makes it unbearable sometimes and my only escape is work because it keeps my mind occupied. Not even fishing can get me going and that was like heroin for me my whole life. 

 

my dad has no clue what this is like. He thinks I am just depressed and obsessive (to be fair, i am both of these things right now)  and blindly listens to doctors and flat out told me he has no regrets putting me on medication because doctors recommended it to him and that I am not a doctor and I need to trust them. I don’t know how I could ever trust a psychiatrist after what I have been through and am going through. I love my dad but he has never been very good with connecting emotionally but he has provided me with a great life (paying for education, lots of family trips and other opportunities which I would like to get back to enjoying).

 

My family is very dysfunctional on an emotional level and always has been. A few years ago, my mother and I would get into extreme arguments over her perception of my drinking problem and my late sleeping patterns. She yells about everything. It has been better now since I have become so ill. I think she feels a sense of guilt for putting me on medication and is doing her best to help me. Our relationship for the most part is much better now, but it only happened at the expense of my mental and physical health. She is trying her best to be supportive and to push me to keep living my life. She’s my alarm clock. Most mornings the despair is so bad I cannot get out of bed myself, until I hear her coming as I know she will be upset if I don’t get moving—deep down I know I need to get up and eat but it’s hard to find the strength when you feel insane. Sometimes I think I may have cptsd or something from the years of dysfunction I have put up with. 

 

I get my emotional support from my close friend Chad, who has struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. He is open to my ideas about meds despite him being on them and he believes that withdrawal does exist and doctors are ignorant to the difficulty of coming off of medications. So he listens to my rants about what I am going through mentally and physically. He also tells me it will get better, that I am not doomed to a life of misery. I try to believe him but it is hard. He said for 8 years he lived with no emotions and never thought he would recover (meds helped him get his emotions back on track, but for me they took them away). 

 

Sorry for the Long answer for such a short question.

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Fighter33

Noloft, did you CT the Zoloft? Did I miss your medication history? 

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Fighter33

Also, I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation recently. I understand what you’re going through and I want you to know you are not alone and all of us will get thru this someday! I do really believe life is transient and we will find relief and feel better again. Though, I sometimes wonder if things don’t get much better in the future months I might have to try reinstating because the suicidal ideation is hard to deal with. I believe all of our stories are different but we will all persevere one way or another. And when we do find relief we will appreciate it on a whole other level and I’m excited and looking forward to that day. 

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Noloft

Fighter33,

 

i agree with you I believe that once life returns to being somewhat normal and my brain goes back to having run of the mill ocd and not severe depression, dissociation that I will never take another day of my life for granted ever again. 

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Noloft

Today was weird. 

 

Woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. Felt like I was exhausted. Made it from bed to couch and just laid there for a few hours.  I felt physically and mentally drained yet my

mind continued to race and kind of felt like I was half awake and half asleep. I had wanted to go into the office this morning and catch up on some things but it just wasn’t in the cards. I assume I felt this way after being in the Everglades yesterday afternoon bass fishing for a few hours with a friend must have taken a toll on me physically. 

 

I finally  had to get off the couch and so something because the pain of just sitting with my mind right now is sometimes unbearable. I just have this instinctual feeing now that I need to busy somehow, that I can’t be alone with my head. I felt this way when I got home yesterday-just a general sense of fear of being alone with my mind. 

 

Made it it to work around 1 today and wasn’t pretty productive despite feeling like my mind and soul were somewhere else completely. Got ALOT done and made sure to congratulate myself when I locked up. This wasn’t inspire of having intrusive thoughts about not being able to take this anymore etc. etc. I am trying to let those thoughts be there and sometimes, sarcastically agree with them to lessen their power. If I weren’t so dissociated I don’t think I would be able to handle the sheer volume of these intrusions. 

 

Told myself I was proud of myself for even going to work with all of this going on with me and that most regular people wouldn’t be able to even think about that. 

 

Made it home and my kid brother had a bunch of friends over and I hung out with them for a bit, played a bit of beer pong (didn’t drink any lol) Plagued by instructive thoughts of every nature this whole time, but felt a little less dissociated and numb. Was able to watch the panthers game. Hockey was one of my passions before the shock of all this started and now when I watch it I usually feel less into it and less like it’s a part of me. However tonight I found myself screaming and yelling at the tv actually into the game though I still felt like I wasn’t “feeling” the emotions behind it. It was nice to see that the interest is still there though. I was debating whether or not I would watch and ultimately made the decision that I should, because I feel I need to expose myself to these things or give my emotions the chance to kick back online, maybe eventually they will click. I did feel a bit upset when they lost in OT, rather than apathetic about it so that must be progress. During the game though my mind just get al over the place—not truly watching the game but somewhat removed. 

 

I felt a little overwhelmed by the amount of people in the house. I also had some strange physical stuff going on while engaged in the hockey game—weird fatigue like feelings, like too drained to emotionally get into it. This prompted a lot of comparison like intrusive thoughts about what I used to feel like when watching hockey, how I used to feel engaged and passionate etc. I am hoping these thoughts are not a result of my ocd but weather withdrawal related and if they are ocd, then they will lessen in intensity as withdrawal becomes easier. I hope this happens.

 

it is strange how I can go from the deepest despair to feeling somewhat betterish within a few hours. Not one of my kid brothers friends would have suspected anything was going on with me, but inside I feel turmoil. 

 

I am somewhat afraid that what I am experiencing isn’t only withdrawal and that my nervous system is too weak to recover. I wasn’t the healthiest person to begin with, and this whole process started for me after an acute stressful period of my life which included a bad experience from weed. Sometimes I feel the traumatic nature of everything that happened to me before withdrawal has set my nervous sysyrem up for a smaller chance of recovery, since it wasn’t all that strong in the first place. Not to mention the more I look back the more I feel my nervous system was destabilized for a very long time (since the first change I tried in 2011) and that I basically doomed myself by counting to use drugs and alcohol after stabilizing after that change. I never paid much attention to my body but now that I look back I can see it was under a lot of stress during my drug using days, coupled by the stress of my anxiety disorder. I feel like the collapse I had last year was bound to happen eventually, but I get frustrated at how I handled it and basically made my myself worse by making med changes and such. 

 

This is is all the rotisserie and what not and maybe it’s just the nature of withdrawal causing me to second guess everything and distorting my past memories. I don’t know. I guess time will tell. I’m gonna keep holding on and hope that I physically do not get worse than where I am because if that happens I may need to try reinstatement.

 

 

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India
On 8/1/2018 at 5:58 AM, Noloft said:

Within a week of tapering from 200mg to 150mg and tapering on to another drug, I began experiencing strange symptoms, which, according to my "doctor" have nothing to do with the medication: complete emotional numbness (I struggle with this already due to depression but it is so so much worse now), a deep disconnection from my identity, ego, self, and external environment, random bouts of visual problems, severe memory loss, cognitive issues and fogginess--I feel like I am walking unconsciously, with the only thoughts I am having are intrusive, detached thoughts that don't make sense to me, along with bouts of suicidal ideation and severe and uncontrollable mood swings, an inability to think, reason, rationalize or plan ahead, a lack of spontaneous thoughts, soul crushing anhedonia, akathisia, tremors, numb crying spells with no feeling of sadness underneath, feeling like I am losing my mind, severe depersonalization and derealization, severe insomnia, muscle and joint pain, back pain, complete loss of sexual functioning, generally not feeling alive or like a human being, unable to connect to my environment, friends or family.

This is extremely common and a symptom of withdrawal. This has been confirmed to me here and the counsellor at the bristol tranquilliser project here in the U.K. He says he hears it everyday. No less scary but it helped me to contextualize and feel less alone.

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India
On 10/4/2018 at 3:45 AM, Noloft said:

On  top of that, I am working 25-30 hours a week despite not really feeling well enough to do that. My therapist who my parents sent me to says I won’t get well doing nothing and that I need to contribute to society. I

This therapist lacks compassion. Have you heard of person centred therapy? Really worth looking into. You need a therapist that understands the gravity of what you are experiencing. Just a suggestion. It might not be for you. 

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India
On 8/1/2018 at 5:58 AM, Noloft said:

Within a week of tapering from 200mg to 150mg and tapering on to another drug, I began experiencing strange symptoms, which, according to my "doctor" have nothing to do with the medication: complete emotional numbness (I struggle with this already due to depression but it is so so much worse now), a deep disconnection from my identity, ego, self, and external environment, random bouts of visual problems, severe memory loss, cognitive issues and fogginess--I feel like I am walking unconsciously, with the only thoughts I am having are intrusive, detached thoughts that don't make sense to me, along with bouts of suicidal ideation and severe and uncontrollable mood swings, an inability to think, reason, rationalize or plan ahead, a lack of spontaneous thoughts, soul crushing anhedonia, akathisia, tremors, numb crying spells with no feeling of sadness underneath, feeling like I am losing my mind, severe depersonalization and derealization, severe insomnia, muscle and joint pain, back pain, complete loss of sexual functioning, generally not feeling alive or like a human being, unable to connect to my environment, friends or family.

This is extremely common and a symptom of withdrawal. This has been confirmed to me here and the counsellor at the bristol tranquilliser project here in the U.K. He says he hears it everyday. No less scary but it helped me to contextualize and feel less alone.

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India
11 hours ago, Noloft said:

 

I am somewhat afraid that what I am experiencing isn’t only withdrawal and that my nervous system is too weak to recover. I wasn’t the healthiest person to begin with, and this whole process started for me after an acute stressful period of my life which included a bad experience from weed. Sometimes I feel the traumatic nature of everything that happened to me before withdrawal has set my nervous sysyrem up for a smaller chance of recovery, since it wasn’t all that strong in the first place. Not to mention the more I look back the more I feel my nervous system was destabilized for a very long time (since the first change I tried in 2011) and that I basically doomed myself by counting to use drugs and alcohol after stabilizing after that change. I never paid much attention to my body but now that I look back I can see it was under a lot of stress during my drug using days, coupled by the stress of my anxiety disorder. I feel like the collapse I had last year was bound to happen eventually, but I get frustrated at how I handled it and basically made my myself worse by making med changes and such. 

I often feel like this but remind myself of the human potential for recovery. I know myself of people who have defied  medical convention. Also, the placebo and nocebo effect. In dark moments, I try to hold onto this and the quote " the body is intelligent beyond measure".  I'm no neuroscientist but there is a difference between structural and functional brain damage and damage is a loose term. Anyone else  on here who can ?

I know a friend who is into the book 'The brain that changes itself'. I too am experiencing exactly what you describe.... memory issues and also the identity issues that have come with derealisation/dp. I am so slowed.      

I'm sorry you were medicated young. I personally think that children under 18 should not be medicated . Sometimes I try to imagine myself as a warrior, still against the wind. I try to tell myself I will not let it beat me (I have concurring conditions.. of course you cannot separate mind and body). In the u.k. there is this expression 'keep calm and carry on'. It originated during the second world war, it's remained , a tribute to British stoicism. I use it sometimes as an affirmation to myself in times of distress.

I personally believe all mental illness is just a response to trauma. Have you heard of the cep ?I'll put a link in a post bellow. They have lots of encouraging interviews on vimeo, about 40 follow the trail.

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Noloft

Today was ok and I can remember what I did today (this was something I was previously unable to do, recall seems to be getting stronger). I spent some time bass fishing in the everglades, caught some good ones. Spent some time with a friend I met in therapy and caught up with him and discussed what is going on in our lives, and how we have both decided acceptance is the way forward. I also focused on letting go today. Not worrying so much about what goes on in my mind, distancing myself from what thoughts I have and realizing they are not me. I focused a bit on radical acceptance of my condition and doing so sort of felt a little lighter. When in the throws of mental anguish I do not think there is any way out other than acceptance. You cannot fight something intangible and irrational as it will feed on that. This is something I have learned in the last few days.  I know I am traumatized by all of this. I know for a fact I have severe withdrawal symptoms. But I am getting better at telling myself I can heal and the  mind and body can heal, that I have hope for getting better. 

 

I am not sure if I am in the windows and waves pattern yet. I do not think my anhedonia and depersonalization are going to lift for a very long time. Same with PSSD and the numb body feeling.

 

I have noticed certain strange symptoms have disappeared, then returned, then disappeared again, sometimes within days, sometimes within hours. 

 

Another thing I am working on is not waiting for things to get better to live my life. Things are awful right now but despite how bad they are, I have been dealt this deck and I have to live with it, and I will live with it until it goes away. I have to believe it will go away eventually. But while it is here I will continue to fish, to hunt, to watch hockey and to work (fatigue permitting).

 

Something I have been focusing on is the the nature of change and how change is inevitable--nothing can ever stay the same forever. This resonated with me alot today. I do not believe any of this damage can be permanent. It just cannot be. 

 

 

I have begun to use EFT at night before bed in addition to my deep breathing exercises, I am hoping this can help aid my nervous system out of hell and into purgatory.

 

 

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India
On 10/8/2018 at 6:30 AM, Noloft said:

 I know I am traumatized by all of this. I know for a fact I have severe withdrawal symptoms. But I am getting better at telling myself I can heal and the  mind and body can heal, that I have hope for getting better. 

You are doing amazingly. Keep going. I am learning so much from everyone here! Their amazing courage.

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Noloft

Today I got hit by a massive wave of my physical and mental symptoms after pushing myself to go fishing with a friend in a tournament. I fished for 8 hours and walked 6.5 miles while fishing in the Florida heat. 

 

This was a hard day for me. Harder than usual. At least, while I am at work, I can stay relatively focused and distracted from the extent of my anhedonia and chemically induced emotional pain. 

 

Having OCD, this is incredibly difficult to do while trying to engage in the activity I used to be passionate about and built my identity around. 

 

While the fatigue was not as noticeable while fishing, the emotional numbness and anhedonia were there. I was in a decent mood most of the day with my friend--not ecstatic but not super depressed. However, when I was fighting the biggest fish I hooked today, I just couldn't focus on the actual fight as I was so caught up in how emotionally numb I felt while fighting it. I started searching for a hint of emotion or life--looking for an adrenaline kick or something but nothing was there just zombie mode and this triggered my OCD even more. Towards the end of the day I felt I was starting to slow down stamina wise but also I felt more obsessional and thoughts like "what's the point" and stuff started running through my head. My mind started comparing my current experience with my past experience in these tournaments--how in the past I didn't want to STOP fishing before the tournament ended like today, how I looked forward to going to the weigh in instead of dreading it, etc. I know this is also my OCD but it is purely obsessional and I struggle handling this because it makes me feel like I can never get back to the way I was before. 

 

I ended up skipping the weigh in and heading home early and as soon as I started to drive home the overwhelming sense of exhaustion just flooded over me. As soon as I got home I laid down for a bit. My buddy texted me and said he was going to the gun range and I noticed that I kind of wanted to go with, despite how crummy I was feeling. I guess this is progress? Wanting to do something? I don't know. In any case, deep down I knew it would be best for me to rest and not push anymore as I already knew I had pushed too hard. I tried to sleep but felt stuck in this lucid awake/sleep like state where I started having really strange thoughts that terrified me. I felt exhausted, fatigued, unable to breathe, numb but also afraid and panicky, and just totally crazy. After trying to sleep didn't work I got out of bed but I started coughing hysterically and could not breathe well at all. I got incredibly flustered and the intrusive suicidal thoughts began. When it gets this bad I forget that I need to float through this and NOT give in to the despair, but when you are so deep in the throws of it it seems impossible some times. I get stuck on the notion that I am going to be suffering for a very long time with no end in sight, and that I am never going to have the life I had back, and that health is something I will never know. I don't know how I could possibly be healthy again with my mind and body so incredibly broken right now. I am tired of withdrawal and OCD being the only thing on my mind, I miss when I had other things going on in my head, I miss my good emotions and my identity. I do not know how my life could have been going so well just a year ago and now I am reduced to this shell of a human being. I want to say I am living for myself but I am really not sure. Sometimes when I see my kid brother I think how devastated he would be to lose me, and then I think about how messed up it is to be even having that thought in the first place, when I should be out enjoying life with him.

 

 

 

I do not know how diet and time and omega 3s can fix this. How can these things repair my mind and body? How can I get stronger if I cannot endure exercise? I feel like a 90 year old man in a 26 year old body.

 

I know I am incredibly early on in this process but I can sometimes get very disheartened. I thought today would be better, that I would have the stamina to engage in day of fishing and not crash after. I thought maybe the emotional numbing would lift a little today and I would feel a bit reconnected with myself. 

 

 

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Noloft

Making a note for myself that the day after fatigue from a full day of fishing is not as bad today as it was last time, I do not feel as absolutely terrible as I did last time. Also my casting arm is much less sore despite having done a lot of casting.  

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Noloft

I have some questions about windows and waves

 

I understand that everyone has a different story and a different case and that everyone's path to healing will be different. What I am confused about is the nature of windows and waves and what I have seen on here.

 

I am early on into this but I have not noticed any windows of any emotional/psychological symptom lift, save for ONE night when I was watching a hockey game with my brother and I felt a bit more into the game, not apathetic about it, I could feel the sensations I would feel in my body before withdrawal when I got aroused by a situation (a great hit, a huge save etc.) Other than that, there has been no let up to any of my other psychological or emotional symptoms (suicidal ideation, detached and strange thought patterns I don't recognize as my own, feeling cut off, severe DP, anhedonia, emotional anesthesia, hundreds of daily intrusive thoughts, etc.) My mood lifts and stabilizes once in a while but more often than not I am still severely screwed up mentally and emotionally.

 

I have noticed improvements some improvements in my physical symptoms. For example, the severe back pain and muscle pain has been gone for a few months, but it has been replaced with a numb body feeling. Sometimes, my vision seems more normal like I remember it but most of the time it still seems "off" and sensitive to light etc. Some nights, I get better sleep than other nights, but never any consistency. The severe fatigue and exhaustion has improved a bit, but overall I am still exhausted most of the time. My PSSD has gradually improved from feeling like I had a traumatic brain injury that destroyed my sexual functioning completely, toward a noticeable shift in return of some functionality, but nowhere near close to normal. I have not had the severe allergic like reactions I was having a few months ago, but now different things are happening with my body instead. I was suffering from severe nocturia for a few weeks, which has gotten better, but now I have frequent urination in the mornings instead of throughout the night. 

 

Is it a good sign for my physical symptoms that things are changing, even though they don't feel like they are improving? I assume that stagnation is not as good of a sign as change, but that is just my take. 

 

I do get concerned that my mental and emotional symptoms do not seem to be improving much. Do mental and emotional  symptoms tend to improve later down the line into withdrawal or is it always an individual case by case basis in terms of healing? Have any of the mods or experienced posters noticed any similar tendencies in how people heal?

 

How can I identify if I am in a window if things barely seem to be changing, or are changing so subtly that I can barely notice them and are often being replaced with something else? Is this the norm--gradual, subtle changes? Or do windows tend to be this amazing lift in symptoms in which you feel like yourself again for a bit, which then fades into a wave again? Do windows get better the longer you have been off the medications, ie, more and more symptoms lift during a window 3 years down the line than opposed to what was happening only six months out?

 

Sorry for the barrage of questions I am just trying to wrap my head around all of this.

 

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AwareButStruggling

I think these windows and waves are so hard to predict. I think it all depends. I have noticed some minor improvements in me, which is being a bit more involved in people and things like me, but the fears have gone through the roof, and the fear itself had made it impossible for me to gauge the improvement with other symptoms. It is only when the fear dies down a bit (maybe ever for 2-4 hours a day) that I start noticing some small improvement in focus, memory, caring, attention span, etc. etc. 

 

I have heard of people having full-on windows for days or even weeks on end while some barely get them over. It is just so frustrating at times. I was sure hoping that I would start seeing some tangible improvements as my doses got lower, but I'd only seen fairly small ones. Or perhaps, it's all gone for so long that it hard to be realistic at this point. 

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