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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

SomeoneIUsedToKnow: Blank mind, no thoughts, anhedonia - antipsychotics withdrawal

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Hello there. 

I‘m male, 22 years old and I‘m coming from Slovenia. This is my first post here and I really hope that someone might recognize this weird symptoms which I have since I‘ve been on antipsychotics and help me with how I might help myself. 

So here is a story about me: 

In January this year I‘ve been hospitalized in mental hospital, because I‘ve experienced cannabis/speed psychosis. I‘ve been using cannabis for 2 years and never had any problems with it. I‘ve never touched anything else except in January this year when someone I know convinced me that nothing can go wrong if I try speed. At first I didn’t want to do it but then I don‘t know why I did it. I took one hit or whatever it‘s called and it really wasn’t anything wrong that day but it all started in next days when I started to feel weird. I had delusions about being god-human, I thought that I can speak with others with my mind, I burned my money because I thought that this is some kind of curse, I thought that I have some kind of a chip in my head, I thought that I have HIV, I thought that my parents will die, etc., it was really scary all this together and it changed me totally.

 

My parents noticed that I have changed, so did I and so we went to a hospital, from where they send me to a psychiatry. I stayed there(I thought at first that I am in hell and that other patients there are sufferers too and I thought that staff are working for devil) for 20 days. They’ve put me on Zyprexa 15mg and Haldol 2mg. First few days I was okay, my delusions disappeared quickly but I started to feel horrible after two weeks on antipsychotics. I told to my psychiatrist there that I don’t feel well and that it’s hard for me to think. She told me that this is because I’m ill and that I need just rest and take my pills. Of course I believed at first even though I didn’t know what my illnes is and I was so confused because of this antipsychotics that I even didn’t know what should I ask her. Days were passing and I noticed that everything is harder and harder for me. In a hospital I was still able to walk normally, eat, sleep, talk with others and so on but then when I came home from hospital I just couldn’t do anything anymore. It was the most terrible time I’ve ever had in my whole life. I was so tired and weak that it was hard for me to stand up from my bed, to go a few meters to a kitchen, I was unable to sleep properly, I always had to move my body because every position that I’ve been in was so uncomfortable for me.

I was feeling like a zombie and even walked and looked like one. I was always complaining to my parents that I can’t take it anymore, I told my doctor about how I feel but no one was listening to me, I even told to my doctor that I feel very suicidal but all he said was that I can call him whenever I’ll feel like this and that he’ll try to help me but the problem was that I knew that antipsychotics were making me the way I was feeling and not some illness. I told this to my doctor too but all what I was hearing from him, my parents, psychiatrist was that it’s supposed to be like this.

 

Why the hell I’m supposed to feel like this? Well one day, I decided that I won’t take any antipsychotics anymore so when my mum gave it to me, I went to a toilet and I spilled it out of my mouth. I felt a little bit better after a few days but my parents found out what I’m doing so I was forced to take them in front of them and everything went to hell again. I felt like **** until March 31 when I decided that I’ll end everything together and so I wanted to kill myself but then I told my parents that I don’t really feel anymore to live and I want to go back to a psychiatry(I knew that they can not force me to take pills if I am not dangerous to myself or others). So I went back and I told them that I don’t want to take antipsychotics anymore and so they convinced me to try some other but every time, with every antipsychotics I felt like **** so I decided that I really won’t take any more. They said okay and that it’s my decision if I want to be psychotic and I said that I’ll rather live psychotic than like I’ve got no life. I stayed there for another few days and I started to feel better again and then they send me home again. I was on antipsychotics from 31st January to 20th April so that’s 2 months and 20 days. 

 

I became a lot better since when I stopped cold turkey but I have another problems now. I was talkative, smart, funny, etc. before my psychosis but now I can’t even think anymore as I did before. I feel like I have no thoughts in my head anymore and even if there appear any it seems like it’s all mixed up. I have always had really good train of thought, I was thinking about everything possible, I was creative, I’ve always had a lot of sense of humor but now... well I can’t think of anything... I’ve always cared about my friends, family, etc. but now I can’t anymore. I care still but not the way I used to. I was talking with everyone I know and even with people that I saw for the first time about everything, I didn’t have any problems but now everything is impossible for me. I can go out for a walk with my dog, I can play with him, I can cook, I can go to shower even 5 times a day if it’s necessary but I have no more passion about anything that I do. I always enjoyed in everything I did, I loved nature, I was always adoring everything and thought about how things work, how people act, why they act so, I loved music, I loved photographing nature and things but now everything is just strange.

 

I feel like I became dumb somehow and that I can’t really enjoy life as I used to. I always understood that complex texts like something scientific, law, etc. but now I hardly understand subtitles in the movie. When I read something it’s like: i don’t get meaning of it. It’s really horrible. I can’t even think about writing anymore, I just write and as you can see it’s all like mixed up, that’s because I can’t make good sentences anymore. Before all this it was everything easy for me, but now everything is so complicated. Can anyone relate to what I am going through or is it just me? I don’t want to live like this, it’s not like when I was on antipsychotics, I can at least walk, sleep, eat, go out,...but I really miss my old self, where I understood everything, learned anything I wanted to, enjoyed everything,...

I’m really kind of just blank all the time and just moving around without any thought in my head... Also I always had really sharp memory, but since my psychosis/antipsychotics I can’t even remember what day it is or what I’ve done yesterday... I can’t even make any small talks because I don’t know what to say... oh **** this post is really long now, sorry for that, I just want to know what the hell happened to me, is there anyone who can relate to what I’ve said? Do I have a brain damage? I feel like I have so...i don’t know what to do anymore:s I’ve read a lot of forums and it seems that a lot of people have this blank mind, no thoughts, bad memory, anhedonia, etc. symptoms but at least they make really good posts, mine is just so mixed up... help please... i dont want to be stupid:(

Edited by mammaP
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mammaP

Hi Someone, welcome to SA.  You reacted badly to a street drug and then you were given anti psychotics that you also reacted to. Your poor brain has been through a terrible experience and it will take time to recover.  Your nervous system controls everything in your body and is very unstable from the drugs. You need to take very good care of yourself and you will recover. It will take time but you will heal as long as you stay away from drugs, alcohol and stimulants like coffee and energy drinks. You need to take good care of yourself and allow your brain and nervous system to heal. Don't be impatient or angry with yourself, you made a mistake and will get through it. You will get your old self back and will feel again in time.   You will be wiser and will learn from that mistake. 

 

This link contains other links that explain withdrawal syndrome. Withdrawal and adverse reactions both harm the nervous system and the symptoms are the same. Knowing this will make it easier to deal with. 

Withdrawal syndrome

It is really good that you are feeling much better and able to function better now you are off the drugs, and everything else will improve too. Keep going out, keep seeing people, try to live as normal as possible without pushing too hard. Keep stress down if possible and have a good sleep routine, that is really important! 

Here you will find many helpful topics on symptoms and ways of dealing with them

links to important topics on symptoms

 

We ask all our members to fill in their signature with their drug and taper history, you can find how to do that here...  How to create a signature

 

Many people find that fish oil and magnesium help with symptoms

Magnesium

Fish oil

 

 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Hello there, it's me again. I forgot in the past that I've posted here so I'm really sorry because there was no reply from me. 

 

In the last year I almost(80%) recovered from withdtawal symptoms described above, but then I started smoking weed again and had a relapse of psychosis, on the March 10th and I was hospitalized again, where they AGAIN filled me up with this horrible antipsychotics called Zyprexa and Haldol. I was fine in the hospital, but when I came home from there, it all went down the way again. Pre-psychosis I was kind of motivated, did a lot of things, helped around the house, I could laugh, feel pleasure, etc. but after hospitalization this all dissapeared.

 

I was on Zyprexa 15mg from March 10th to around April 10th so this is cca. 30days and on Haldol (long lasting injection) from around March 24th till April 10th but because it's long lasting this means that it was in my body till around May 23th (my last injection was on April 10th, and it's half life is around 3-4 weeks so it's full life is around 6-8 weeks).

 

I again felt like **** on this medications, and this is the reason why I quitted them so quickly. I was laying again for whole days, doing nothing, just went to smoke cigarettes and to eat and back to couch where I stayed all day. Now I feel kind of a little better but not really much... when I was on medications I had terrible akathisia, had breathing problems, one day even my heart and breathing stopped for a while so yeah, you can imagine how it was... nightmare.

 

Now I have like extreme anhedonia, I can't really enjoy things like I used to, I feel no pleasure from anything, nothing is interesting,... I also have a blank mind a lot and I kind of really hate life now. Everyday when I wake up I can't wait for the end of the day so I can go back to sleep and all I keep thinking about is about suicide and how I'll do it but then again I remember that I recovered once and I can recover again, but I really don't want to be in this state for a long time. 

 

I'm also taking Wellbutrin XR 300 for about a month but I don't think that I feel any effect from it :S 

 

I also ordered myself a pack of fish oil and magnesium and in the future I'll also order some CBD oil as this I think helped me the first time, I hope it'll help me again this time. 

 

Is there anyone else who experienced this horrible anhedonia, loss of interest in anything, blank mind etc.? If yes, please say something, will it get better? Will I enjoy life again? Or have I wrecked my life and my brain all the way? Is there anything else I should take beside this fish oil and magnesium? 

 

That's all for now, I don't know what else to say. Thanks for reading and for replies

 

Edited by ChessieCat
removed/reworded obscenities

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Altostrata

I'm very sorry you're back on drugs again.

 

"Horrible anhedonia, loss of interest in anything, blank mind etc." are common side effects of Haldol and olanzapine. They indicate the dosages you're taking are too high. You should confer with your doctors about reducing your dosage of these high-risk drugs to the lowest effective level.

 

Otherwise, you know how to taper. I strongly advise you to reduce your drugs very cautiously so you don't end up back in the hospital. Also, you know now where smoking weed gets you, so unless you want to spend stretches of your life on psychiatric drugs, you'll have to avoid doing things that get you hospitalized.

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Thanks for your reply Altrostata.

As you said, now I know where smoking weed gets me. 

But I already stopped with antipsychotics as I mentioned with Zyprexa around April 24th and with Haldol around May 23th - cold turkey... first time it was worse with symptoms, now the worst symptom is this anhedonia which is more severe than the first time and that I can't think straight... I barely put all this together. :S

I really hope that this gets better as soon as possible because it's really horrible... For whole days I don't know what to do, what to talk, it's like I just exist without any reason to exist... nothing is pleasurable anymore... Ahh... I hate this hell...

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Hello, it's me again... 

 

I just want to say that my anhedonia is still pretty much the same as it was, I still don't know what to do through days so I just lay in couch all days, my mind is still pretty f***** up... I don't know, I don't want to continue like this...

 

Today is 104th day (14 weeks 6 days) since my last injection and by my calculations there should be somewhere around 3,125% of this sh*tty Haldol left in my body, maybe this is why I still feel like **** and don't know what to do most of the days... This changed me so much, I just want my old self back... I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore, my memory is poor(I'm forgetting what I was thinking a few seconds ago), my vision is blurry in one eye, I can't fall asleep till 1am, I can't take a nap at daytime... My symptoms are pretty much the same as negative symptoms in schizophrenia but I know that they started when I started Haldol so this is what is causing them... 

 

I wish I didn't allow this Haldol when I was in hospital but yeah it is what it is... I hate this going so slow, this f****** drug kicked in so fast but it takes so long to quit my body... Does anyone have any clue how long it's going to take for me to recover? Because I'm really tired of this, I hate being like this, I don't know how can be anyone satisfied with this altered state of mind for years because it's not liveable, it's pure hell... I'm so pissed... I want to go back to this stupid psychopathic sadistic psychiatrist and force her to try her own medicine and then watch how her life falls apart like mine did and from alot of other people too...

 

I can now clearly understand why so many of people diagnosed with some type of schizophrenia kill themselves... I'm not diagnosed with this but yeah probably those who are, are not as much disabled because of the illnes but because of this hell pills and then they are told that it's mental illnes that it's causing them such negative symptoms and people become desperate and then commit suicide... I never even thought that this state of mind exists, but now I have to live it and nobody cares because no one in my life went through this and they just think that I'm lazy because I don't do anything and have no motivation to even do anything... This pills/injections should not exist, they should never be invented... I don't know what to do anymore, I drink a lot of water to eliminate this drug out of my system but I don't feel any improvement at all... Is this really going to take so long? It's like I became retarded, emotionless, unmotivated piece of **** and all this because of that Haldol and Zyprexa... If I knew that there is another/new life after this I'd already kill myself... I don't care about anything anymore and if this doesn't get better in month or two I'll just finish it, there is no point in living like this... It's not life, it's torture... 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Hello again, dear friends here on Surviving Antidepressants. 

 

I came back for a little update. I don't know how should I begin, but yeah I'll try somehow. 

Today it's 180 days (5 months and 27days) since my last injection of Haloperidol and I'm still feeling horrible, but not as horrible as I was feeling in the past so this is... something. I still can't laugh or feel any emotions BUT there was a day or maybe 2 days, when I felt really good and I could actually talk with my mom, it wasn't something serious that we've talked about but at least it was something. Also in the past I was unable to do anything and I was just laying on the couch, now at least I don't just lay and do nothing, but I watch TV instead(I literally watched almost every movie hahah), then go and make some coffee, wash dishes etc.

 

I also started to go out and buy myself tobacco and maybe some snacks. And I also watch youtube videos a lot, but nothing really useful because I still feel pretty much like I don't want to do anything(I don't have motivation), most of the time I just watch some animals, cartoons, recipes, etc.

 

Yesterday I also started to listen to some binaural beats with 7.83Hz frequency, as it's claimed to be our natural frequency and maybe my brain needs something like this idk. but I can try if it really helps anything. 

 

And because I'm all about herbs and traditional medicine, I've also found some informations on the internet about curcumin and it's benefits on the brain and the body so I started to make some black tea with it, who knows, maybe it'll help me a little bit more with my "weird condition". 

 

According to my calculations, there is still around 0.39% - 0.195% of this horrible Haloperidol Injection, maybe more, maybe less as not everyone's body is the same so yeah it's just a calculation but it explains how much time it's needed for drugs like this to leave the body. 

 

As for my blurry vision, it is gone, thanks god for this as it was really annoying, it still comes back sometimes but it's also not as bad as it was and it tipically just goes away after a few minutes. 

 

Another annoying thing is that I still have this terrible anhedonia, problems with concetration, memory problems and that I'm so unproductive right now because I think a lot about times of who I used to be and I'm not a single bit the same as I was before this psychiatric nightmare. I lost ALL of my friends because of this, I've lost a GF because of this, I've lost my beautiful peaceful life because of this. I've lost everything just because of one thing and it makes me really sad and angry about it.

 

It also makes me angry that this psychiatrist gave me the same pills for the second time even though she knew what they did to me first time when I was taking them and even though she knew that I almost killed myself because of this, she gave me the exact same mix of antipsychotics. It's like she knew what they did to me for the first time and she wanted to make me feel like this one more time. Sadistic if you ask me, I think that she really enjoys it when she f*** people's minds up. She never had my respect and never will have, but that's not the way how psychiatrists should work, it's f****** up people's brains and that's not moral in any way. Also recently one of my old friends died in that hospital, the doctors said that it was because he got some infection but honestly I believe that it has to do something with antipsychotics because he was also on a mix of them and on high doses, and now all they're doing is protecting themselves. 

 

Well, that's all I wanted to say, I know it's a long post but I tried to keep it short with everything but then again, I'm trying to train my brain as much as possible so this is another reason why I typed so much.

 

Thanks for reading and have a nice day and if you're in the same boat as I am, no matter if it's AD's or AP's I wish that we'll all heal/recover and have a beautiful life once again. 

 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Hello, it's me again.

I just wanted to say that it's been 202 days/6 months 19 days since my last Haldol long lasting injection and nothing really changed.

 

I feel awful every day, just waiting for things to improve but nothing is happening. I can't imagine to live like this forever but also I can't imagine that things will get better.

 

Every day is the same for me, I usually wake up at 2-3PM and go to sleep at 3-6AM so my sleep schedule is pretty much ***** up too. During the day I usually don't do anything, first - because I cannot think at all and second - I don't have any motivation to do anything. I also don't talk with anyone, I just can't, even if I try to, I have nothing on my mind, when someone asks me anything I usually just say yes or no and that's it. I really miss days when I used to be normal, when I talked almost all the time. It feels like my brain is dead. I can't really read or watch anything because my brain just don't work anymore, I can't remember anything and it's killing me.

 

Honestly I just want to die, I can't do this forever. If I only had a chance to go back in time and change some things. Why the hell I allowed this sh*tty medications twice, when I saw the first time what they did to me. I was so ******* stupid, now I'm even stupider thanks to this stupid medications. 😢 

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India
On 8/7/2018 at 1:09 AM, SomeoneIUsedToKnow said:

Can anyone relate to what I am going through or is it just me?

No it’s not just you. I have many of these symptoms relating to cognitivity and lack of vibrancy of mind. I have had a few waves but I am like a zombie . I’ve lost my creative mind also.

However, I believe it’s possible to heal.

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India
On 10/7/2019 at 9:49 PM, SomeoneIUsedToKnow said:

I lost ALL of my friends because of this, I've lost a GF because of this, I've lost my beautiful peaceful life because of this. I've lost everything just because of one thing and it makes me really sad and angry about it.

Something I’ve learnt in life:

The human spirit is strong but drugs are stronger.

 

It is always possible to rebuild your life . 

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India
33 minutes ago, SomeoneIUsedToKnow said:

Honestly I just want to die, I can't do this forever. If I only had a chance to go back in time and change some things. Why the hell I allowed this sh*tty medications twice, when I saw the first time what they did to me. I was so ******* stupid, now I'm even stupider thanks to this stupid medications. 😢 

In the Vedic tradition they say Samsara is when we “repeat cycles until we learn”. Sometimes despite knowing we repeat. Habits, behaviours, they are all hard to change. Sometimes we need to revisit the darkness to know it’s ready to shed. 

There is Native American chief who says that there are many kinds of death in life. 

You are suffering and it is hard and i’m Sure everyone on this board has felt like this but you don’t know you won’t heal. The likelihood is that we will all heal just as those who’ve gone before us have. It’s just a god damn hell ride but there’s a life force in all of us.

Be strong and hold on. 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow
7 minutes ago, India said:

In the Vedic tradition they say Samsara is when we “repeat cycles until we learn”. Sometimes despite knowing we repeat. Habits, behaviours, they are all hard to change. Sometimes we need to revisit the darkness to know it’s ready to shed. 

There is Native American chief who says that there are many kinds of death in life. 

You are suffering and it is hard and i’m Sure everyone on this board has felt like this but you don’t know you won’t heal. The likelihood is that we will all heal just as those who’ve gone before us have. It’s just a god damn hell ride but there’s a life force in all of us.

Be strong and hold on. 

Thank you very much for all of your replies, I really hope that there'll be some better days but now I just can't imagine they'll be.

I used to know a lot of quotes like you mentioned too but now I don't know any single one anymore... I just really miss my old self... It's really a god damn hell ride :s

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India
3 minutes ago, SomeoneIUsedToKnow said:

used to know a lot of quotes like you mentioned too but now I don't know any single one anymore... I just really miss my old self... It's really a god damn hell ride :s

I couldn’t even speak in sentences for 4 months. I couldn’t understand what ppl were saying. I couldn’t remember basic nouns .  I couldn’t read 2 words. I couldn’t remember anything. I couldn’t recognise anyone’s faces. I couldn’t recognise streets i’d Walked down for ten years. I told everyone my brain had been stolen by aliens. Couldn’t pack a suitcase due to executive functioning. The tv just sounded terrifying. I couldn’t stand even the noise of someone speaking next to me and had to wear earplugs. I am slowly recovering things.. it will come. 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow
1 hour ago, India said:

@SomeoneIUsedToKnow How are you?

Hey, well I'm not really good, still feeling the same as I felt... I don't know, I'm pretty sure that I won't heal because that's too much of damage by these pills & injections even though I wasn't long on them... When I was recovering from Haldol & Zyprexa last year it was so much different, I was feeling better week to week, now I'm just stuck in this... This is pure hell... How about you? 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

Also I have a question about something... When I was first time on antipsychotics my right hand(palm side) became some kind of red, but not whole palm, just the part under the pinky finger... And it stayed that way until this year when I started taking these antipsychotics again, but this year the same part on my left hand/palm became red... Now I have almost symmetrical redness on my palms and I'm pretty sure that this is a symptom of brain damage but I can't find anything about this on google, all I could find is that this could be called "palmar erythema" but I found nothing related to antipsychotics... Can anyone tell me anything about this? Anyone have this?

I went to my doctor for this like 2 months ago and all he did was just prescribed me some hand cream which I tried and it did nothing... I also asked him why I have this and he just said "Well, this is because of these pills.", then I told him that I'm not taking those pills anymore and he just sat there, not knowing what to say next... I mean... Okay! Wow! WTH?! 

So please, If anyone have some similar symptom please, tell me about it because my doc have no idea of what is he doing, I'm asking myself if even any doctor has any idea of what they're doing.. All they care about is their paycheck obviously... 

 

Also, here is the example of what I'm talking about, it kind of looks like this: palmar-erythema.jpg

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow

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Hell

Hey Someone, I am really sorry for your symptoms and I hope things get better for you. One good thing is that you can sleep at least, most people who stop antipsychotics have trouble with insomnia. 

 

Even tho tappering is the right way to go, you did the right thing by recognising how bad the meds are and stopping. 

 

I wish you good luck and I hope your symptoms improve. 

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow
4 minutes ago, Hell said:

Hey Someone, I am really sorry for your symptoms and I hope things get better for you. One good thing is that you can sleep at least, most people who stop antipsychotics have trouble with insomnia. 

 

Even tho tappering is the right way to go, you did the right thing by recognising how bad the meds are and stopping. 

 

I wish you good luck and I hope your symptoms improve. 

 

Thank you for your reply Hell.

 

Yeah, it's a good thing that I can sleep but the thing is that I can't sleep when I want to so I also have some kind of insomnia... I can only fall asleep around 4-5am now and then sleep until 2-3pm, if I try to wake up around 11-12am I just can't... 

 

But it was worse the first time for sure, I hardly fell asleep and then I would wake up several times and when I would finally wake up I just couldn't feel that I sleeped at all... 

 

Maybe I'm sleeping so "good" and for such a long time because the drug is still in my system (Haldol long lasting injection), it has a half life of 21days but I've found some calculators online which calculated that the drug will stay in my body for 273 days, I'm pretty close now by the way, 273rd day will be on January 8th 2019... So yeah the drug is kind of self-tapering and maybe this explains a lot of why I'm feeling the way I feel.. 

This is one of the calculators which I'm using, it also has a nice graph: https://observablehq.com/@henryaj/drug-plasma-level-calculator

 

I wish you good luck too and thank you for replying once again. 

 

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ToGoodForYou

You feel good now?

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow
47 minutes ago, ToGoodForYou said:

You feel good now?

Hey, not really.
But I do feel a little bit better and I am also more active than I was back then, but still it's nothing compared to who I was before all this bull*hit. I just hope it's going to get better, otherwise there's no point in living like this. I hate every moment of my life right now, but I used to love it more than anything. I don't think it's ever going to be the same or better, I just want it to be livable, that's all, but I doubt.
Have a nice day. 

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ToGoodForYou

Hows you libido? Any issues in that department?

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SomeoneIUsedToKnow
4 hours ago, ToGoodForYou said:

Hows you libido? Any issues in that department?

I had issues with my libido yes, but it came back slowly. I don't have any issues with that anymore. 

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