Gaebbi: reinstatement gone wrong?

[Erell]

Hi Gaebbi

 

I totally understand your despair, this process can be so rough! 

I can't give you advices or anything about Prozac because I don't have knowledge. 

 

However, I know I believe everybody here telling us that it Will pass eventually! In the mean time, what we can do best is try To find distractions. What are yours?

 

Warmest wishes

[Gaebbi]

So, update #2

like I said, I experienced horrible depression today. At 11:12 am it was gone. In a second. From 100 to nearly zero.

after lunch I went outside with my parents for a few hours. For all the time my head felt like exploding. All my nerves firing and no stopping or calming. Felt like every second I could fall into a seizure.

Got better after about 3 hours.. then an hour ago my best friend visited me and it hit again.. the horrible feeling of pure terror. Don‘t know how to describe it. I can‘t cry while it happens, all I want is to die. It starts with a shiver down my entire body, then I feel like everything is lost and I am lost. It‘s the worst symptom of all and the reason I landed in the hospital.. hopefully it was the last time it happened..

[Erell]

Hi Gaebbi

 

Oh, how I understand! Terror is an awful symptom, and my worst. Everytime I Feel this terrible terror, I'm sure I'm going To be crazy, with no possible comeback. 

 

But Guess what? I don't..and eventually terror disappear. You're not going To live your entire life with this sens of terror.

 

But in the mean time, you need To find what kind of strategy you can have To cope. For example,  I watch silly vidéos on YouTube, or try To do sudoku.

These tools doesn't stop the terror, but there are a strategy To try To distract from the terror and the feeling of going crazy. What are yours ?

 

Thinking of you Gaebbi, take care!

[Gaebbi]

There is nothing that can distract me, the symptoms are too severe..

I didn‘t sleep for a second last night. I took 50mg seroquel and still couldn‘t sleep, though I was tired as hell. My thoughts were racing and it felt like a thousand nightmares Running through my head everytime I nearly fell asleep.

I‘m miserable since yesterday and there seems to be no hope of getting better. If anything, my symptoms get worse. The only thing I want to do is die.

 

Please, does anybody know if this gets better soon? Does anybody know if the prozac will start working later and makes me feel at least a bit better?

today is day 9 on prozac and I‘m so unbelievably miserable.. I know it has a long halftime, but I thought to get some effects after a week, but I didn‘t and that‘s making me feel so desperated

[manymoretodays]

Hi Gaebbi,

Day 10 since CT Lexapro.

Day 9 of Prozac-  Holding now for 3 days at 10 mg.  And I think you are best to just keep on HOLDING on this dose.

Seroquel 25 mg or 50 mg for ?(number of) nights.  I understand that you may have skipped doses once or twice on this.

 

So.....the Seroquel is not really helping with knocking you out anymore.  Why bother?

 

You're desperate again, you say, because of your expectations that you might be completely symptom free by a day, or a week.  That's probably unrealistic Gaebbi.  I hate to break this news to you Gaebbi.  You are coping with some really typical symptoms, that many here are dealing with too.  Did you calm again after your last spike in symptoms?    Maybe you even got a nap in......

 

Yes, the Prozac will offer you some mild relief of your WD symptoms.  Maybe it already has, it sounds like it.   Probably not a complete turn around to zero WD symptoms though. 

I don't know how long you are staying in more intense services of psychiatric care.  Were you thinking 2 weeks total?  Which means that you will really need to find some non-drug coping now, and try not to keep freaking out.  Sometimes I found the awful down feelings and tears, to be a great relief from the other.

 

A simple tool is to be, a bit more selective with the words you use to yourself and others.  Especially your doctors.

2 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

I‘m miserable since yesterday and there seems to be no hope of getting better. If anything, my symptoms get worse. The only thing I want to do is die.

This ^ could be altered to:  "I have had a really tough 24 hours now.  Before this though, I had some nice visits with my Mom and friend, got some walking in, and..........(fill in the blank with some positives).  I need to develop some skills now......in the way of non- drug coping that might help shift me from these infernal thoughts of dying.  I think I slept well the night before last.  I know I will keep improving.  I already have had some notable improvements."

It's pretty amazing, what most of us live through, in WD.  Consider yourself in some kind of learning trajectory now.........imagine where you might be at in 6 months to a year, as far as wisdom and experience goes for getting through tough times.  It never hurts to write a list of 10 positives, make it a gratitude list, daily.

 

Sleep is going to be really important going forward.  Can you begin to look at some of the tips offered here?:

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

 

And here's one of my favorites- some quick qigong practice-  Haola-  all is well and getting better.

 

 

You're doing fine Gaebbi.

Best,  L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

You got this Gaebbi.  You might need to lower your expectations, in order to take full account of your performance, improvements to date.  Think in terms of just today.  Take full advantage of your break from any responsibility.   Have you made any new friends in your environment now?  Even those short term, chance meetings, and talking to others who are just trying to begin to get better, can really help.

 

Edited October 2, 2019 by manymoretodays

[Gaebbi]

Hey manymoretodays,

I know that there is no fast healing. But the problem is, that I get worse every day. There hasn‘t been a symptom free time for 3 days now. And I‘m always on a peak of the symptoms. 
i don‘t know how long I will stay in the hospital, but it will take a while. Maybe two weeks, maybe 6 months. I won‘t leave as long as I‘m not better.

Right now I‘m panicking. Feels like I‘m in a nightmare. Can‘t even talk to people or my friends because it makes it worse sadly..

[Gaebbi]

Update #3

I think I‘m getting a bit of relief..

The last two days I didn‘t have Depressions or terror, but a bit more panic and Dr/Dp.

Right now I‘m shaking internally but it‘s ok..

when my symptoms are really bad I‘m getting 25mg of Atosil (promethazin) which seems to help a lot. I won‘t take the quetiapin any longer, because I noticed that it makes my thoughts go crazy!

 

today I spoke to the chief doctor of the hole hospital (higher position than the doc I spoke to before) and he wanted me to go up to 20mgs Prozac.

 

And I‘m proud of myself, because I told him I will stay at 10mgs!

I‘m just hoping that there won‘t be a heavy setback in the following days..

 

I‘m having an operation in my knee on oktober 16th and I really hope that I‘m good enough until then..

 

I will keep you updated! Thanks for all your help!

[Sassenach]

22 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

And I‘m proud of myself, because I told him I will stay at 10mgs!

You should be.

Right decision.

 

Sassenach

[Gaebbi]

Update #4

well, there is the big wave again sadly..

at first the day started well with about 1 hour of a nearly symptom free window.. I hope that‘s a sign of healing.. but then it hit me, another wave of terrible anxiety with high desperation. Until now it‘s not getting better. 25mgs of atosil didn‘t help and I didn‘t want to take more than that. It‘s not the anxiety that‘s the hard part. It‘s my thoughts and the desperation that is, and sadly no drug can change that.

I‘m rating my symptoms in a range from 1 (mild) to ten (severe) throughout the day, then take the average of that at the end of the day and put it in a diagram to see if I‘m healing. Started doing so on sept. 24th and will end when I‘m better. Could be interesting.

 

next update coming tomorrow. See ya!

[Gaebbi]

Update #5

the depression seems to be gone which is a big relief for me. Sadly panic and fear / terror and Dr/Dp are much worse than before, but for me that‘s easier to handle. Didn‘t take any Atosil today, and I don‘t think I will in the following days. Also my doc doesn‘t want me to increase the fluoxetine dosage anymore.

Yesterday there was a short window again, I think about two hours long.

some of the therapies seem to work. Today I had relaxation therapy and afterwards my Derealisation was nearly gone for about 30 minutes. Also I‘m meditating 2-3 times a day, which seems to help a bit.

 

Not much more to say, but of course I‘ll keep you updated!

[Erell]

14 hours ago, Gaebbi said:

, but for me that‘s easier to handle. 

 

So happy To read this, this is huge! 

Also is your 2hours Window yesterday  : enjoy the relief!

 

We stay strong 😙

[manymoretodays]

Hi Gaebbi!

What have you for update #6? 

2 weeks now!  Since the cold switch to Prozac and off of Lexapro.

( nice job on your signature too)

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[Gaebbi]

Hey @ all

So, update #6

it‘s a constant up and down. Most times it gets worse in the evening.

luckily there are more frequent windows and they get longer every day. Was feeling reliefed until a few hours ago, when one of the worst waves happened. First felt intensely like going crazy and now it feels like I could get a seizure every second. Like my head is extremely overloaded, but I know it won‘t happen. Or at least, I hope so. 
It could be that this time the symptoms were triggered. Another guy in the hospital who is also sleeping in my room experienced a psychotic episode and started to scream. It was exactly this moment my symptoms started. Could be coincidence, could be not, who knows.

I just hope to get better soon. My operation was moved to a later date in about a month, which was definitely a good decision!

 

I‘ll keep you updated!

many greetings to all of you!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

 

today I got an EEG examination. Doesn‘t seem like much, but to me that‘s huge. When my symptoms are severe and my head is so fully loaded and heated, I‘m always scared of experiencing a seizure. Of course, it never happened.

now that fear won‘t be as strong anymore. While my brain streams were measured the nurse held a flashing light right before my closed eyes with different frequences to provoke a seizure, and even if it was extremely uncomfortable and I got a panic attack, I‘m happy now since the doctor told me I‘m having a super healthy brain and the streams look very normal. So at least I can say, that fear is (nearly) gone!

Yesterday was the first day without olanzepam for sleeping (took it about a week but told the doc I don‘t want to take it anymore), and the night was rough. I could get a bit of sleep but I was waking up quite often and had very vivid dreams. But at least I don’t take anything else than the fluoxetin now!

Also today the symptoms were harsh but manageable. The wave yesterday evening was one of the biggest I ever had, and of course that takes time to heal (and forget).

So far with today.

greetings to all!

[manymoretodays]

Oh Gaebbi,

This is not sounding good.   Do you mean olanzapine?  It used to have a brand name of Zyprexa.  And it is an awful drug.   

Medscape and Drugs.com are 2 sites where you can look up and read about medications BEFORE you agree to take them.

To search here.....just use your main browser.......google or whatever..........type in survivingantidepressants.org and then the subject of interest(medication, symptom, whatever)

There is a oxazepam as well, which is a benzodiazepine.

 

They attempted to induce a seizure in you?!!!  Perhaps next they'll convince you that you need electroshock therapy??!!!

Sounds like you have a bunch of smooth talking doctors, who are experimenting on you.  I mean I'm sorry......any well meaning doctors out there, I'm a bit jaded at this point. 

Are you really doing that bad that they have to keep throwing the arsenal of drugs at you?  You need recovery time........for WD. 

Might be a bit now, until you recoup from the week of whatever you just took.

 

Do you have any options outside of "in psychiatry" now?

I'd be finding out how I manage to get out of there, right about now, if it were me.

Is the German forum up and going at all now?

 

Oh Gaebs!!!

Love, peace, healing, and recovery,

mmt

Holding you close, in my prayers

 

 

Edited October 11, 2019 by manymoretodays
gawk, spelling

[Gaebbi]

Hey manymoretodays,

 

sorry but you got this wrong!

first of all, I took the Olanzapine because I needed to. I was NEVER forced to take any medicine / drug and I never will be. It‘s all voluntarily!! And yes, i meant olanzapine, not oxazepam. The doctors won‘t give me benzos, even if I wanted to!

My symptoms were too intense and I couldn‘t sleep a second long, and the olanzapine really helped very much. I know I can‘t take it for too long, that‘s why I stopped yesterday. I just hope that one week wasn‘t enough to get dependent, but I really needed it sadly!

And secondly, an EEG is a normal examination here in Germany (and the rest of the world) to see if one has an epilepsy. Pretty standard.

I said it completely wrong, which is also because my english is a bit limited. They didn‘t want to trigger an seizure! But while doing the test they have to record the brain streams while my eyes are being exposed to flickering light, to see if I maybe COULD get an seizure in my lifetime!

it was just a test to exclude me having epilepsy! And also, it was voluntarily. I knew I would be reliefed to know I won‘t get a seizure in my withdrawal!
You can look it up here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electroencephalography

don‘t be too scared. The doctors and nurses are treating me well 😉
 

I also get psychotherapy and that really helps me. I know it won‘t do anything against my withdrawal symptoms, but it CAN do something against how i experience them. Also my psychotherapist reads everything that I‘m writing here and also thinks that the drugs are my problem, and not an underlying panic / depression condition. Feels good to talk to somebody that really tries to understand the problem!

 

Also I can get in and out the hospital as I want. I don‘t get forced to anything!

But I’m feeling safer to sleep here, so if I have some horrible symptoms at night, I can talk to a nurse or anybody. It helps!

 

so far with today. Hope I will get more sleep tonight!

[manymoretodays]

I know Gaebbi.  It's all voluntary.  Nothing forced.  I've understood that.

Yes.  They do EEG's and MRI's in the U.S. too.     

 

I really don't like olanzapine.

 

Hope you get a few good days soon. 

I'm continuing out more than in for a little while.  Sometimes this all gets to me.  Much compassion for you now.  You've got a couple followers here, and there is not much I can do, or could have done differently, with my suggestions.  I certainly don't wish to upset you further.  And this just happens to me, from time to time.  The need to break away for a bit, from the site and all.  So.......not due to you Gaebbi.  Not at all.  That's nice you can come and go at will too, while "in psychiatry". 

 

I'll check your introduction when I'm back.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

update #7

Im desperate again. I‘m in a horrible wave for 10 hours now and there seems to be no end in sight.

It started as i was waking up tonight with some digestive problems and nausea. Shortly after I had dizziness, panic, fear, perception problems and a crying spell.

Does anybody know if that could be because I‘m off the Olanzapine? I took 5mgs in the evening for exactly 8 days and cold turkeyed last wednesday.

or is it just a normal wave? I just don‘t know. I never had digestive problems or nausea before and I know that it could be withdrawal symptoms from olanzapine. But is 8 days really enough to get me dependent?

 

thanks in advance..

[Gaebbi]

Also my bloodpressure was measured today in the morning and evening, and it was definitely too high (161:98). May explain the dizziness and headache..

[manymoretodays]

Hi Gaebbi,

Unlikely, on your being dependent on olanzapine.   Glad you quit that one.  A little bump in symptoms is to be expected after going on and off quetiapine, then the antihistamine, and most recently the olanzapine.   Yes......I understand you often feel desperate and need reassurance.  You'll no doubt, see your psychotherapist and doctor tomorrow?

 

Interesting on the blood pressure.  And hopefully that will normalize again soon.  Probably autonomic nervous system dys-regulation and all the stress that your body is still going through now.

 

How about some Epsom salt baths.  Or even just a nice warm bath.  Is that possible?  Without a whole lot of hoopla, while "in psychiatry"?

They can be really relaxing.  And may bring your blood pressure down to boot!  Make you sleepy and relax.  I don't think that 2 handfuls(of Epsom salts) in a nice warm bath would do you any harm whatsoever. 

 

We only recommend 2 supplements here to help with WD symptoms.  And then, only try one at a time,  and I would recommend that you might try some Epsom salts, if possible, now.......Epsom salts are Magnesium Sulfate.  Very relaxing.  Again if you just start with a little in a tub of nice warm water, that might help you relax a bit, when needed.  It might be unrealistic while "in psychiatry" in Germany........but I thought I would suggest.

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

And I'll point you towards non-drug coping, as that link is back on page one again.......

Non-drug techniques to cope with symptoms

 

first post, once you read down, will take you to a whole indexed list of things.

 

And then you might try some easy body positions, yoga stuff, to help:

https://beyondmeds.com/2011/02/20/copingpain/legwall/

https://beyondmeds.com/2011/02/20/copingpain/legsagainstwall/

https://beyondmeds.com/2011/08/23/yogarelax/

 

And okay.  Back to my break.  You'll get there Gaebbi.......to some stability.  Soon.

Anyway, try some relaxation, and then see where the blood pressure is after that.  Hoping it levels back to normal limits for you.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2019 by manymoretodays

[Gaebbi]

Hey Manymoretodays,

I‘m really happy to see you haven‘t left me

and I‘m sorry if my symptoms / story etc may trigger some symptoms in you. Take your time if you need to!

yes I will see the doctor tomorrow! The psychotherapist I will see the day after tomorrow.

 

so, my headache was getting more and more intense, on one side of my head and forehead and I felt a pressure behind my right eye. 
I think it could be that this is „just“ a migraine. I already had one years back, so of course that wasn‘t my first guess. But the headache and nausea are pretty common symptoms. Also the Extremely high appetite I had yesterday. And I know that stress can be a trigger. And boy. I think you can guess my stress level the last weeks!

 

Glad to hear that I‘m most likely not dependent on olanzapine or quetiapine. I won‘t take any other pill that interferes with my brain chemistry ever again. I promise you! I will wait until I‘m fine with the prozac, then taper it extremely carefully over years and that‘s it. That will end this chapter of my life. Still a long way to go though..

 

thanks for your relaxation tips! Taking a bath sadly is not possible in the hospital, but I get to my parent‘s home on the weekends and I will try to do so!

Also tomorrow I have an hour of relaxation therapy, which is a mixture of guided meditation and progressive muscle relaxation. Last week it helped a lot!

 

I checked my blood pressure again few minutes ago. It went down to 147:91. still a bit high but way better. I really don‘t want to take pills against high blood pressure in my age!

 

thanks for your help, manymoretodays! As soon as this is all over I will fly to the US and give you a long hug

let‘s just hope I can get more sleep today and my next update will be a positive one.

have a good day!

[Gaebbi]

Oh and also on the supplements:

 

I tried both.

first fish oil: I experienced horrible symptoms while taking it. Don‘t know if it was too much, but the experience led me to never touch it again. Although I know my body may need it since I‘m a vegetarian.

 

magnesium: took it for a while (magnesium citrate) but after 2 weeks or so I felt like I was back in Benzo wd. Could be coincidence, but afterwards I read that it can trigger a benzo wd setback and so I‘ll also never touch it again. 

 

The only supplements I need now are time, strength to never touch any drug again and my family and friends.

The good thing is that I‘m pretty young compared to most others on this forum, which may hopefully result in a faster recovery, even without supplements.

 

that‘s it for today. Greetings!

[Gaebbi]

Hey all,

update #8

sadly I‘m not as good as I thought I would be. One of my biggest problems are the nights. Without the Olanzapine I‘m having nightmares and in my dreams I‘m feeling my symptoms much stronger than when I‘m awake. Woke up with depression today which is still lasting till now.. also when I went to music therapy I had the feeling of getting insane, like becoming a psychosis. Had to leave the therapy right at the beginning and went out for a long walk, which calmed me a bit.

My thoughts going crazy is a symptom that‘s pretty harsh for me. And it‘s pretty hard to tell myself that it will get over. In the moment it happens it feels like it‘s never going to be better.

 

I‘m definitely worse than when I took the Olanzapine. But I‘ll stay strong. I won‘t touch this sh*t again! Since its halftime is pretty long and my last dosage was 6 days ago, I guess my symptoms are at a peak now, maybe going on for a few days. Who knows. It only can get better..

yesterday there was a pretty long window. For about 5 hours. Seems like a good sign that I‘m on the right way..

 

so far with today. Next update tomorrow or the day after, let‘s see.

greetings to all of you!

[Gaebbi]

Hey,

so, update #9

It‘s worse than yesterday. Horrible depression throughout the day. Helplessness, desperation, feeling of being lost..
I hope it‘s still from the olanzapine (last dose 7 days ago) and it‘s just a peak in symptoms which will hopefully go away soon..

Maybe someone knows what to expect? It‘s hard telling myself I will get better, when I feel like it‘s getting worse..

It‘s hard to see my mother cry when she sees I‘m miserable.. I only want it to end.. knowing there is nothing I can do is so hard to accept..

I‘m sorry, I just am not able to wright something positive right now.

so far with today

 

[PoetJester]

Hi Gaebbi

 

I was on olanzapine for 15 years.  The nausea you experienced after stopping the drug is pretty normal.  My living room carpeting is covered in vomit stains from when i stopped the drug in 2014 (i was also on zoloft at the time).  There are a couple of other apartments that i lived in in the past where i did quite a bit of vomiting as well when i stopped the olanzapine/zoloft combination.  

 

I also had the thousand nightmares running through my head every time i laid down, too.  It went on a long time for me.  My body was so exhausted that i would instantly start dreaming when i closed my eyes and it was always nightmarish visions and then i would have to pull myself awake even though i was exhausted.  It's called hypnagogia.   It's hell.  

 

i would be proud of yourself for however you can cope with the symptoms from the pills.  Once our bodies are compromised by these drugs, it's whatever you can do to survive.  I had to start taking meds again about three years after stopping the olanzapine and zoloft.  I still wasn't sleeping well and had the vivid, crazy dreams almost every night, and l also found out i had intestinal worms, but doctors in the U.S. don't believe that humans get them, except in Africa or third world countries so i have been going untreated for over two years.  Untreated, with a belly full of worms and the smell of feces coming from my stomach and lungs which is probably a partial stomach blockage caused by the worms and nightmares all the time.   It's been misery. 

 

 I have been taking amitriptyline the past severeal months.  I don't like the drug, but i am sleeping a little better and functioning somewhat.  Before that i was slumped over my laptop many days due to the extreme fatigue from not sleeping.   In the summer's it was terrible because my apartment would become extremely hot with direct sunlight coming in my sliding glass patio doors and i was on the third floor.   Since i had worms in my stomach, i felt like a dog abandoned in a kennel. 

 

While all of this was going on, i had a elderly next-door neighbor in my apartment complex who i was taking care of because he was senile (he had knocked on my door one day without pants or underwear on, trying to hand me a phone because someone had called him wanting to know if i wanted any kittens).  At one point he was driving around in his old mini-van with severely rotten hamburger meat that had been in the back of his van in 90 F heat for almost a week while he drove to parks to find people to 'minister' to about Christ.    I ended up having to cook for him and take out his trash and do laundry for him, because he was also nearly incapable of walking (he had palsy in his legs),  people used to see him crawling on his hands and knees down our street.   it was insanity.

 

 I also had an alcoholic living directly below me, who kept leaving me anonymous letters the past three years, slipped under my door or unaddressed in my mailbox,  about getting a shave and a haircut and a job.  he was 65 years old and an alcoholic and had just gotten out of the country workhouse for his 4th drunk driving charge, and also driving with stolen license plates and a suspended driver's license.  Our apartment management didn't really care.  Some of the letters were really nasty, about having "my brains fried through ECT" or calling me a "caveman" and a "worthless piece of **** of a human being."  

 

It's been a hard time.  Especially with withdrawal and bad sleep.  Sorry, if this post seems a bit crazy, but don't lose hope.  

 

Poetjester (Derek)

[Gaebbi]

Hey Derek,

I know it may sound like I‘m a bad human being at first, but it helps me to see that there are people that are worse than me. Just because I see that those people made it through the horrible time and are still alive and better now. That shows me that someday I will be better.

 

I found a really good article in this forum:

https://npanth.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/phases-of-ssri-withdrawal/

 

it‘s the first article I read where I felt understood. The symptom‘s are not manageable. We can‘t control them. But someday it will get better, after the brain finds stability.

 

Also interesting fact that it‘s not the concentration of serotonin but more the stability that‘s important. Good to know, so I won‘t increase the dosage of the fluoxetin in hope that I will get better. Maybe I would have planned that in my desperation in the next days.

 

I just hope that soon I will reach a point, where my symptoms are still severe but I can handle them. That‘s definitely not the case yet, but maybe in a month or so. Until then I have to force myself to stand every symptom I have.

 

I think I will show this article to the doctors tomorrow.

Derek, I‘m sorry that I‘m only talking about myself and don‘t go into your story too far. I‘m wishing you the very best for the future and I‘m thankful that you‘re trying to give me hope. I‘m so happy over everything that anybody writes in this topic. It distracts me a lot!

 

best wishes,

Gäbbi

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey, update #10.

I‘m miserable.. I‘m feeling so much worse than I did the last 2 weeks. All joy I ever had seems to be gone. I‘m not able to imagine the feeling of happiness anymore. Every memory I have feels horrible to me.

I just had a wave of a horrible feeling, like I‘ve lost all control and my emotions go as bad as they can. I‘m so exhausted, I need to sleep but it‘s not possible and I‘m so scared of having extreme nightmares.

I don‘t know if I can make it any longer. I don‘t know how I made it until now.

I don‘t know when I‘ll be better.
I need help but I know there is none.

This is absolute hell.

 

[Gaebbi]

I‘m sorry but this is just not manageable for me. This is really an emergency, if this holds on any longer I might end my life. Is there anything I can do? I mean really anything. Going back to lexapro? Taking olanzapine again? Everything is better than suicide!

 The fluoxetine doesn‘t seem to help, my symptoms are as severe as they were before.

[PoetJester]

Gaebbi

 

Thank you for the encouraging reply to my post.   For a second when i read it, i thought you had wrote "I am so over everything anyone writes in my thread."  I didn't see the "happy" at first.  Try to hold on over there.  I have the losing my mind feeling too, I've had it in dreams where i go crazy and lose my mind.  It's horrible. 

 

i have weird yawns, too, due to the chest tightness from the sleep deprivation, where i don't even sound like myself anymore when i yawn.   The only thing that helped me was the magnesium powder drink, Natural Calm.  I don't know if you've tried that at all.  It only worked one night for me and was amazing while it lasted-  it was like i was my normal self- i could yawn and stretch and be at ease again after a year of torment, but it only lasted one night for me, and the next night just gave me diarrhea.   

 

I know they say don't smoke or drink coffee in wd, but i mostly smoke and drink coffee anyways.  That's about all there is to do.   I live alone and don't have friends and there's not much of anything close to a community or social activities where i live, so i don't know what else to do (I told you what my neighbor were like in the other post.) I just play youtube music videos or songs every night.    I am discovering a lot of new music this way (i didn't have a computer or internet service until a few years ago and was not connected to social media at all.  No cell phone, either.)    

 

This is misery, and i honestly don't feel like being here half the time, but there is other stuff going on in the world outside of wd, its not all symptoms, which is what drives me mad about this site.  I mentioned my neighbors in the previous post, and i didn't even go into all of it (the downstairs drunk was cranking his huge surround sound tv at full volume every night from 8pm-1am to the point that my apartment felt like a movie theatre balcony.  This was my first year of withdrawal.  I had complained to apartment management and was told it was a "young deaf girl" that lived below me that needed her t.v. loud to hear it.  After about 8 or 9 months of listening to someone elses t.v. shows through my floor while i barely slept, i went and complained again to the manager.  this time it was "oh, that's Michael.  I'll tell him to turn it down."   Late last year the tv came on again for a night while i was nauseous and had headaches and i pounded on my neighbors door and my neighbor came to the door with earplugs in and a malicious grin on his face and said to me "oh, i can't hear you, i must be deaf."     I went to the manager again who told me she "wasnt' sure if he (my neighbor) was deaf or not, as i have never actually spoken to him."  This after telling me she would have my neighbor turn down his television.

 

When i called my clinic after finding the worms (i had eaten raw pumpkin seeds which have a chemical in them that paralyzes adult worms) i talked to an on-call nurse who told me that i "hadn't actually seen worms, but the seeds 'unraveling').  i had ground up the seeds beforehand in a blender, so that totally crazy, like something you would hear in grade school.  My doctor now, tells me that it's "impossible" that i have worms, because i "would be all skin and bones.  they would eat you up from the inside out"  which again is total nonsense.  If you google tapeworms and pot bellies (my belly's not super huge), the first several listings tell about how pot bellies in cats and dogs can be a sign of tapeworm infection.

 

My own family basically betrayed and then abandoned me (i am the oldest child by many years) and are in the process of handing down family powers to my youngest sibling (my youngest brother.  i think based on the fact that his hair is blonder than mine.)  It's kind of a long story, but my younger siblings dont' return my texts for help with basic needs (like bringing my bike in to be repaired or getting a new couch. Which doesn't sound like much, but i don't drive and i sleep on my couch which is totally worn out at this point.  they even leave me hanging on rides to doctors) but instead go through my mother and father first who live 1500 miles away before i receive replies.  My parents ignore texts if they know they are in the wrong.  When i was vomiting for a day last year and asked  this younger brother for a ride to the doctors, i got a text saying "Sorry, bro. Busy." and then another text to send him pics of my vomit "what does it (my vomit) look like?"    I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's and then talked about in the third person at the table by my brother-in-law.  They're idiots.

 

I dont know if you had a chance to look at any of my profile or not, but i mostly spend my time going to golf courses on my bike and picking balls and selling them online (it mostly goes towards tobacco and supplements)

 

Anyways, hopefully this makes good reading.  It's late over here, but i saw your last posts and just wanted to send you something to read.  

 

Derek

[Erell]

Hello Gaebbi

 

I know how bad it feels, I really do. And I'm sorry you're having so rough times.

 

On 10/10/2019 at 6:38 PM, Gaebbi said:

 

luckily there are more frequent windows and they get longer every day. 

 

It means it is possible Gaebbi! ❤

 

I can't give you advices about your meds, I'm not knowledgable enough. But I hope someone Will be able To.

 

In the mean time, hang in there Gaebbi, one day you Will get  better!

[Gaebbi]

Please somebody help me. I don‘t want to kill myself! I will take olanzapine again, this is the only thing that helped me in the last weeks. I know that I will get the next dependence, but still better than suicide! I‘m in a state that is absolutely not manageable for 9 hours now. I can‘t do this any longer!

[Altostrata]

Gaebbi, you're still in the hospital, is that correct?

 

I've read back over your entire topic, going back to August 2018. Aspects that I believe are important:

 

- You started out with escilatopram withdrawal syndrome, starting in April 2018, from tapering too fast.

 

- Your symptom pattern has followed the typical The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization , where severe waves of symptoms gradually lessen.

 

-  BUT you panic and change your drugs all the time, not allowing your nervous system to settle down with one consistent regimen. Since you've been posting here, you're always changing something.

 

- You went into the hospital voluntarily and vowed to follow their advice, but you've been trying to follow a combination of the hospital's advice and suggestions you find here, but been inconsistent throughout.

 

You cannot play off advice you get here versus advice you're getting from the doctors in the hospital. You need to figure out one drug regimen and stick to it.

 

I can't even follow what your recent olanzapine history is, what other drugs you were taking while you were taking olanzapine, or why you would occasionally add quetiapine to the mix.

 

Since you're in the hospital AND you decided to take olanzapine AND you felt better on olanzapine, I don't understand why you suddenly quit taking it. (It could be 1mg is as beneficial to you as 5mg.)

 

It seems to me that because you've been inconsistent and impulsive in your drug regimen, you've gone from a fairly ordinary case of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome to a complex psychiatric condition requiring inpatient treatment.

 

If I were you, I'd settle down and stop dramatizing your situation, or with your doctors' help, you'll end up with some extreme psychiatric diagnosis and be on unnecessary psychiatric drugs forever.

 

What exactly are you taking now, at what dosages and what times of day?

 

[Gaebbi]

Hey Altostrata,

thank you for your reply!

I know that I‘m so bad because I changed so much.. I‘m taking 10mg fluoxetin in the morning and I took olanzapin 5mg in the evening from oktober 3d - 10th, and today, and probably in the following days. Quetiapine I‘m taking 25-50mg when I‘m not able to sleep. I‘ve taken it about 10 times now I‘d say.

I was way better in the 8 days when I took the olanzapine. And I hope that I will get better again after taking it today, but so far it doesn‘t seem to help again.

I guess the best would be to stick to 5mg olanzapine in the evening and 10mg fluoxetin in the morning and just wait?

thanks in advance!

[Altostrata]

If I were you, I would not take the occasional quetiapine, that makes no sense if you want your nervous system to stabilize. You'll have occasional sleeplessness, try to stay calm and let your nervous system find its balance.

 

1 hour ago, Gaebbi said:

I guess the best would be to stick to 5mg olanzapine in the evening and 10mg fluoxetin in the morning and just wait?

 

I can't tell the future, but I know you have to be consistent in order to see what a drug regimen would do. Please keep daily symptom notes relative to this drug schedule.

[Gaebbi]

Thank you very much.

It‘s ok to not take Quetiapine anymore. The olanzapine is enough to keep me from suicide. But only taking fluoxetine without the help from olanzapine is really not possible for me, and I think you can understand that. Yesterday I was only lying in bed the whole day and starring at the wall. Couldn‘t do anything. That‘s not possible for me to stand any longer, that‘s why I really need to go on taking the olanzapine, even if I will get the next dependence. Everything is better than suicide. I just hope to gain stability in a few months.. 

[Gaebbi]

Oh and there were 2 reasons why I quit the olanzapine.
- I was hungry all day, eating about 4000-5000 calories every day.

- I didn‘t want to get the next dependence

 

but in the end it‘s better than suicide..